Unreasonable Dowry

chillipadi25

New Member
stepford - aiyah actually I also not so positive one lar………but if don’t be, how to give each other encouragement on such a big event? Right or not? Heheehe I believe I will have more problems than u - grandad is in hospital and things are not looking so well, so if he is really GONE, not sure wedding how...aiyah anyway lots of things to worry about. Lately, i am trying to learn this - walk till the head of the bridge and things will turn out right...so sometimes have to encourage urself a bit and try to be more positive on things out look. The more positive u are, the better things will come along the way. If ur hubby is really that busy, never mind lor get ur sisters, friends or colleagues to involve in the preparation lor. If not u can share happenings with the forum-ers too ..
 


afcai

New Member
Hi Apuppy,
Same goes to me during my marriage last yr, both side of the parents also duno much abt guo da li so we everything also do away with it.

it is not too late to discuss the wedding during the food tasting. for me, I did it 2 mths before my AD loh during food tasting. most of my customs we do away with it cos we wanted to make it as simple as possible.

the gay's family side need to return part of the pin jin to the guy. it depends if the guy's family mind what the gal asked for. maybe u can ask yr future hubby to ask his parents. yr request is quite few liao, mine is more than yrs.

try to keep it as simple as possible anyway, wedding is just a day only but marriage is a life time.
 

alya

New Member
is it ok if the girl's mum just ask for

1. bride price of 3888
2. wedding cakes

that means i have to tell my FPIL that my parents would want 3888 and they have to say, give 6888 and my parents would return.
My mum tells me the money she gets is so that she buys jewellery for me?

my parents are not asking for tables for the banquet as FH and I are paying out of our own and keeping all red packets.

Is it unreasonable to ask for 3888?
 

afcai

New Member
Hi Iys,
maybe u can ask yr hubby to be abt it.will his parents mind? some in law do mind though they still give in. they will 'gossip' and wondering why the gal's family asked for so much.
 

haywiregirl

New Member
I think is very reasonable. we are giving 8888, just told my mum that we will give this amount, told her to take any amt she wants but I doubt she will.but really hope she will take at least 3888.

lys, is up to her to use the money, for angpow or gifts or she can keep it. For my mum, she already prepare jewellery for all daughters(we have 4 siblings)to give when we got married. Mum already gave me a gold chain 2 days before my ROM, she still keeps some for my big day, guess most mum are doing that.

you don't tell your FPIL, is to say it when they asked. if they give more than 3888 on that day(normally they will), your mum is to take whatever amt she wants and return the balance. I heard that dowry is to be prepared by hubby, in the past, normally the head of the house(means hubby's dad) pay for dowry, that's why in the past they always think they buy a bride over and bully. By right, dowry should be pay by hubby, not FPIL/PIL.

For our case, his parents are not and also can't ask for table, they don't have relatives at all. hubby and I will be paying for everything.
 

alya

New Member
my FH and FPIL are not locals. They are from Holland and basically they actually do not believe in all our Asian practice. FH is worried that his parents may have a misconception about my family.
my parents are very easy going and they told me it is not a problem. I think when my parents want the bride price, it is mainly a FOr Face reason.
I told mum to just take what she wants. She said she won't take much, more of a token, probably 1688 or 888.
 

haywiregirl

New Member
alya, def you guys are coming out for a dinner to discuss about this, normally all paiseh paiseh won't mention, if your FPIL never mention anything about the dowry, you guys better don't mention, unless they bring it out if not guy's side normally will say your parents money minded and may or may not cause unhappiness. just hope they know/aware of this pinjin thingy and give a token, but then if they give very little, no choice to take little cos def need to "return" some.

My sis's friend hubby and family also from holland, chinese and they did all the chinese stuff(standard). Some are like that, even local sgporean, they think they are christian then they also "forgot" about all these custom. actually is a ceremony, depends how (we) youngsters want it. either way, you can straight a way give your mum a 1688 or 888, like i mentioned before, this money should be fork out by your hubby, not FPIL, so it has got nothing to do with them.
 

aacz

New Member
I'm getting married probably next June. ROMing only in Dec. Bf n I haven't figured the place for our dinner yet but we'll have to book the place soon.

We're thinking of a restaurant (Bliss EXPO maybe), but our current problem is that there's no place for the drunk groom to rest at night. Yet we feel hotel is a little extravagant coz we're thinking of paying for all the expenses from house to marriage. Any advice?
 

0phelia

New Member
Hi Aacz,
Was just wondering if it is custom and a must for the groom to be drunk? I thought its the brothers who will drink on his behalf? If you find that there is no place for a drunk groom to rest.. maybe you would like to get bakups to drink on his behalf =) just my 2 cents
 

kayemoss

New Member
Was reading some of the threads posted in this forum...

Anyone or your friends have this type of request from your parents?

I came from a traditional Cantonese ie conservative family. My mother told me that she will pay for my banquet (my fren's tables only) and she gets to keep the ang bao collected from my frens. She insisted that I should not have an angbao box.

Anyone has this experience before? Sometimes, I felt that she s being unreasonable but yet, she has given me alot of things..... Sigh.... Wedding is really all $$$
sad.gif
 

aacz

New Member
Hi Ophelia,
Hee not too sure abt how his friends would be, but once in a lifetime, dun think he'll be let off that easily
proud.gif
 

elias29

New Member
I also need advices wat are the dowry to ask from the guy's side leh. My parents dunno abt such things.

Other than cakes & no. of tables, we still need to ask for an auspicious $ figure which we need to return abit. But if for hokkien family, what other things should we also ask for? Any canned foods, etc??
 

emeraldbride

New Member
After reading the above stories, it really open my eyes. Guess sharing all these valuable information is really good. Prepares me for the future.
Me planning AD in 2009 but I reckon all the expenses will be borne by me n FH. FH's parents are quite old and dad is no longer working (stroke) and mom is only a cleaner..Don't think they will have savings. But PIL is quite good, now they asking us to buy liquor to keep as and when we go overseas for holidays..to be used for dinner..hehehe..
But for those other things that supposed to give my mom, I want to give her the best of everything. I've seen how hard my mom bring all of us up, the hardship she went through to make sure all of us have what others have. Though I paid myself thru college, this shuld not be the measurement. I even bought a property for my parents (shared among siblings) and all expenses will be borne by us.. to show our respect.
As for PIL, I will also treat them nice but my FH will treat them extra nicer lar..cos ownn parents mah.. hehe..
I only hope that some of the sad incidents mentioned above will not happen.. me n FH now is actually saving up for wedding.. so by 2009 we will be more or less prepared (unless inflation..haha)
 
I have the same problem.
Initially, my mum agreed to our wedding. Suddenly, 1 day she said we better think twice cos she thinks we are financially unstable.

Turn out that she is unhappy that we ask the AP money back from her. She expected my FH & his family to pay for everything, from the wedding to our new house. RIDICULOUS lor!!

My FH's parents are old and retired, so he prefer to let them keep their savings and we paid for the wedding.

My mum was super unhappy, even said "They tink they dont have to pay a single cent to get a DIL ah?" Wah!!!! After hearing this I felt like a goods for sale!!!
sad.gif
where got mother like that 1??

Initially, I told her I intend to hold a small wedding max only 16 tables. In the end, she requested for 6 tables!!!! My FH's side total including his family & friends 5 tables and my mum is requesting for 6 tables just for our relatives & her friends!!

Aiyo.... After calculating, we decided that we will make a loss..... At first, we are thinking of using the AP money to cover but now that she doesnt want to return us, sure lost like mad......

Besides requesting for 6 tables, she also wanted Pin Jin. found out from friends that if mother requested for tables, then PJ can give a few hundreds only. But it seems like my mum expected more. She said that "Who knows they only give me a a few hundred for the pin jin!" With this statement, I presume she expects thousands!!! Wa. want tables & still want thousands o dollars.... she has forgotten that my FH is the only 1 paying for everything leh.... I ask her how much she wanted for the PJ.... Guess what she said? "If I state a amount, he sure cant afford!!" Aiyo, daughter for sale ah!!!

My mum has always been super money minded... but I have never expected her to treat her daughter like that too.... sigh ToT

My mum also said that as she doesnt have any other children (I am the only child). If she has, she can get more from 'the other child'. Aiyo, I really feel like I am the daughter for sales..... sigh

All these make me so frustrated in the end I decided not to hold the banquet!! Just ROM.... so disappointed
sad.gif


Wedding is suppose to be a happy thing, why does it seems like it is daughter for sale instead??
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi...sometimes it could be for "face value" since you are only child. Sometimes, mothers talk to other "aunties" and these "aunties" will brag about what their SILs gave their daughters and them... so your mom may also want "ammo" to brag back. It's very natural.
 

friends78

New Member
Hi Angela

I also understand fully too. My mum also wanted pin jin and tables too. My PIL gave a few hundreds dollars of pin jin cos they already bought gold, roast pig and my mum also wanted 5 tables. Knowing my mother's 'pattern', my hubby and I decide to slot our OWN money in the angbao to make it a few thousands lor. However, my mum still complained that the pin jin is very little. Sigh....... Cannot please everybody wan lah...
 

elovechat

New Member
i m very against wedding. always wanted to have travel wedding. but hubby being the eldest son, prefers to have chinese wedding. my PIL hvn't talk to my father abt pin jin and sia pin. mum passed away, so father won't be so stingy. already pre-empt hubby that if my father were to ask for 10 tables, just give to him. if my father were to ask to keep ang bao, just let him. hubby seems ok with it as i've been living alone for the last 7 years before getting married. it's kind of pay-back time. in fact, we have decided it'll be a loss. he's prepared to spend $20k on me and i dun hv to fork out a single cent.

he being a teochew, naturally i'll suffer coz the auspicious time is 5am. he negotiated till 1pm. he told his mum off as she wanted us to get married in the wee hours. juz cross my fingers that my AD will turn out well. hubby knows my bad and fiery temper, he'll try to make things easy for me. i can't ask for more. if not, once i open my mouth, someone will get it from me. heh heh ...
 
that's y i told my FH, besides the amount he giving for pin jin, i will add in another 1000 or so into it. hopefully my mum wont complain or think it is too little...
sad.gif


my mum being a cantonese also expect a roast pig. anyway, if she wanted xi bing, i have decided that i will share the cost w my FH. Sometimes feel so paiseh that my mum is asking for so many things... sigh
 

hazuki

New Member
hi all, juz a small announcement to make: tribute to my mom...

because of my wedding we quarrelled many times regarding the tables n pin jing required. my mom asked for 3888... she gave me the impression that she wanted 10 tables (the amount of relatives I have). therefore I tot we'll definately have no $$ to go 4 honeymoon this way.
But this afternoon, my FH and I went home to confirm the above items, she said to me softly: I dun need tables... OMG> at that point, i was like so guilty i quarrelled wif her... so wanted to hug her n apologise...
I really hope that everything will work out for all brides n mothers out there. Hope my mom will forgive me for being so rude to her previously...
 

babyfifi

New Member
Hello everyone,

My parents will be meeting my FH's parents soon. They will have to discuss things like pin jin/pin li and dowry. Do you all know what to include?

I am Cantonese, my FH is Teochew. My FH & I will be paying for everything ourselves but thankfully, my Mum is rather flexible in all these things cos she dun know much.
 

poohchim

New Member
Hi emeraldbride,

Some hotels usually do not allow duty free wines for wedding. Take this into consideration if you are buying wines to keep for wedding dinner @ hotels.
 

witch

New Member
My parents are expecting Pin Jin and around 8 tables from my hubby's side. For the 8 tables, all the ang pows will be given to my parents even though hubby is paying for the whole banquet. Is this reasonable?
 

heat

New Member
Dear Ashley,
If that 8 tables is supposed to be for your parents, then maybe it is a formality to give your parents for the 8 tables... then your parents would decide whether to keep the money..
 

haywiregirl

New Member
ashley, I think is quite okay to give them 8 tables. I presume your GDL is around the corner, then your parents may not take much cash from the pinjin if they want to keep the ang pow money. I heard that some will take from both side then ended up unhappy. So if you think you wanna let them keep the money from the pinjin then you can give more. If you give less in the pinjin then be prepared that your ang pow money for that 8 table will be kept by them.

For my case, hubby gave SGD8888 to my parents and my mum returned SGD6888, during the tea ceremony, angpow was given to us using that SGD2000. We paid for the dinner and my parents didn't keep any ang pow too. It really depends on individual family.
 

rosewhite

New Member
Hi gals,

happened to read the posts by woman & angela that your put more $ into the pingjin during the GDL..but me abit curious that wouldnt the guy's side parents know? wiould there be a chance to put extra cash into the angbaos coz thought all these are prepared by the guy's parents? What if the bride's side returned the amt more than what was given?

btw, during the GDL, who are the ppl who bring the pingjin & pingli to the bride's hse? Would the couple be ard? And the returned of the GDL are done on the same day too?
 

kayemoss

New Member
Rosewhite, during the GDL. The bride and groom are not supposed to see each other.

The GDL stuff will be returned on the same day. Usally the ppl who bring the pingjin and pingli are the relatives from the guy side, the ILs are not to come also.
 

rosewhite

New Member
Hi kaye..
thx.. so the couple shouldnt be around at all huh, didnt know that, blur me. In this case, really wander how woman & angela manage to put in the xtra $ into the pingjin angbao? Sometimes very headache.. if give too little, bride's side will not be too happy. if grooms side give too muvh ,like bride's side greedy, In laws wont be happy also, haha. :p
 

mrsyap

New Member
Sigh.. my mum says anything anything anything.. first time her child getting married so she like don't know much and my mum really not greedy type. FIL say nevermind, feel free to say what mum wants. Everything like anything anything... then hubby and i headache.. hopefully they really not so fussy and demanding to each other..
 

dorymiki

New Member
Kaye,
Serious ah??? Both FH and i were around when GDL is carried out hahahaha...

Mrs Yap,
Seems like we are in the same situation...
My parents also everything said anything to my FIL so my FIL gave an amount he deem appropriate including the usual oranges, candles and si dian jing...
 

rosewhite

New Member
Hi mrs yap & DoryMiki,
same boat here.. my mum also say everything anything for GDL.. but really dont know what her anything means.. she says is all up to us & inlaws. Sometimes, without a "hint" is abit difficult to capture what our mum requirements are.

Btw, how many tables are your giving to mum?
 

kayemoss

New Member
Dory, yup... Not supposed to meet. I was being sent out of the house to buy stuff. I can only go back home when my hubby and his sis left.

The best part is all the GDL stuff, i cannot eat! My Mum and auntie cant tell me y.. but they say for my own good... So all the cakes and stuff, i cant eat!
 

blur_queenie

New Member
Sigh, feeling very down now. Had my meet parent session on sat and now facing displeasure from both side family. Mum insisted on PJ and 5 tables and angpao for her to keep even though we pay for banquet. The amount she return is depending on how "nice" the FH family are. Initially I told her that u ask for PJ or Tables only but in the end she felt that it's a must to ask both cos it's tradition that guy must pay for her side. Told her many times that we will be paying for the dinner and she was hoping mad y must i pay for the banquet. Secondly, FH family insisted that either PJ or tables to be given according to their custom, not both. But they gave in in the end unwillingly. Mum was also upset on their request of just PJ and tables, she felt that it's too "cheap skate" and also we got to follow the FH custom like angpao for chicken and Bamboo, basin, spiton, slippers etc. My mum didnt even request for roast pig (me being cantonese) and she was screaming at me why didnt they buy for us instead. And poor me got sandwich in between just becos she never mentioned during the dinner. My mum even want to do away with the basin,slippers thingy cos it's so old fashion to her but his side insisted on having it. Sigh, now both sides are unhappy over each family custom. I do know there is no right or wrong answer to it, but are the requests reasonable?
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi Jojo,

To your mom, she is marrying off a daughter. It doesn't matter ethat you and your husband are paying. I

have also heard that PJ and tables are separate. Not sure why your FH famils insist only either and not both...


I have heard that bride's family will give FH stuff (my parents will be buying and not giving AP though).

Usually the guy's family will offer to give roast pig. If the guy's family doesn't give, it suggests that the bride is not a virgin.

I think even if it is old fashioned to do the basin and slippers thingy, still must do... cos it is custom right?

Don't blame yourself too much.and don't get too stressed. Just leave it to both sides' parents to sort things out. Try not to interfere. If you try to interfere, your parents may squeeze blood out of you cos you are their daughter and they know your temprement. That wll put you in a very tough posisiton before your FH family. Just take the position that both sides' parents deal with each other directly. That's what my husband and I are doing now!
 

heat

New Member
hi cactus... the roast pig thingy is cantonese right? By the way my FW is a teochew but they demand PJ $6k + 6 tables + 4Golds... izzit consider high?
 

heat

New Member
oh that is actually a hint from my FW parents that, in initial case they want PJ6k return half but want all the money from 6 tables... then i commented a bit troublesome to make a separate Angbao box.. so FMIL suggest to let us keep the angbaos from the 6 tables but will not return back any PJ... hmm is it normal?
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi armando,

yeah.. the roast pig thingy stemmed from cantonese roots. like si dian jing from teochew roots. But the roast pig thingy has greater significance than the si dian jing. So most of the people around me, non-cantonese, will still be offered roast pig by the guy's side. The bride's family don't even need to ask for roast pig...

I don't know what is market rate ..a ctually it shoudn't be market rate right? It depends on what the guy's family is able to give and the worth of the bride in her family's eyes...

In my case, the PJ has not been discussed between my parents nad ILs. My ILs just told my parents they will be giving them PJ. MY parents said okay.Like that, less embarressment and trouble for me and my husband.

I think traditionally, a bit of PJ must still be returned lah...
happy.gif
 

rosewhite

New Member
Hi JoJo, dont be do upset k.. hope things will work out well for you.
happy.gif


Hi girls, so suckling pig is a must huh? I thought is only for cantonese initially, didnt know there is a reason.. btw, how much is a suckling pig? where to get too?
 

cactus_79

New Member
hi rosewhite, I think it's quite a must. It's probably more important in terms of significance than SDJ. People I know had the pigs even though they are not cantonese. The only one who didn't have a pig (guy's side didn't offer, gal's side didn't have the "face" to ask) was when the gal was already pregnant before marriage.
 

kayemoss

New Member
Roasted pigs are a must for Cantonese & Hainanese whereas for other dialects like Teochew & Hokkien, they used Pig trotters instead!

I think the roasted pig are not cheap, it costs around $300-$500 depending on the weight. Usually, for Cantonese it is a must and to be delivered on the AD. The bride side will return, the head & the bottom part of the roasted pig, and in the middle, a pair of pants with an ang bao to the groom side.

Jojo, dun feel so sad abt the pinjin etc.. I think most ppl will think my parents are greedy when they hear the amount of pinjin and tables they asked. But to me, no amount of pinjin and tables can compensate for my parents' upbringing of me.

My parents asked for $8888 pinjin, 10 tables, roasted pig and misc stuff (traditional stuff). My in laws non the better, they asked for alot of ridiculous things in return. Tell u ladies the story if u re interested.

At the end of the day, the amount of pinjin that my parents asked rite... They spent it on me and stuff for my hubby.. So, its all even out!

So, i guess must communicate with the parents. I m sure all our parents dun want us to be unhappy and broke at the end of the day!
happy.gif
 

witch

New Member
When is the right time for both families to discuss pin jin, dowry, etc? will 1 month before the wedding be too late?
 

heat

New Member
hi ashley..
I think 1 month before the wedding is too late... to me that is the time where i can hear from the in-laws if the numbers of tables can be finalised... and oso if there are SDJ involved... time are needed to purchase them...
 

kayemoss

New Member
Ashley, the discussion is better to be done earlier.

Coz 1 mth is too rush as u need to get the GDL done like 1-2 weeks before the actual day.
 

mesmeric_viper

New Member
Hi Rosewhite, I got contact from my jie mei who just gotten married. The stall is at Chinatown market (beside outram park MRT). You can just call the stall 順記 (shun4 ji4) at 62225490 to place order. On the day of collection, you can call them when you reach the carpark and they will bring the roast pig to the carpark to meet you.

Jojo, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Its tough but dont let this affect your entire preparation. Kaye is right it all boils down to communication. Jia you ok!
 

rosewhite

New Member
Hi cactus thx for the advices on suckling pig.
MV, thank u so much for sharing the contacts..
very helpful of you gals!!
happy.gif

btw, we couple cant eat the suckling pig rite?hee :p

Sorry gals, me still abit confused now, if i got it correctly, the bride cant be around during the GDL ( meaning hide in the room isit?) then how abt the hubby? I read some posts say that hubby & relatives will do the GDL on the day & hubby is to give angbaos to other bride's family members..but some posts say couples not to be around GDL? Me confused.

Then SDJ is given during GDL, then AD MIL wear for us during tea ceremomy? So we keep it for that few weeks 1st?

What abt jia zhuang? Nowadays still have this customery? This is for bride's mom to buy as gift for daughter rite? When would this be given? Bride need to wear at tea ceremony too?
 


cactus_79

New Member
hi rosewhite,

I think we can eat the suckling pig but it's very VERY oily!! The bride's family needs to chop the pig up, and keep only the body.Return the rest of the guy's side. It's up to our parents what they want to do with the body.

I'm not sure if my husband and I would be around for GDL. Cos my p arents are not very traditional and my ILs are very easy going. Both sides just close one eye to things which are not important to them. No one told us anything about GDL cannot have bride or bride and groom there... although I think traditionally, bride and groom shouldn't be there.. need to ask the more experienced forumers here.

In my case, the SDJ will be given to me during GDL. Then my parents will return some gifts and will give me and my husbnand stuff.. all send to my IL's place. The SDJ will follow everything back. Then my IL will give me the SDJ again during tea ceremony.

Jia Zhuang may not be just jewelry. It is a collective term for the bride's parents to give bride something. My parents will be giving me cash, clothes, jewelry, and traditional stuff like basin, bed sheets, pillows, etc, household items, and give my husband gifts of clothes, watch, etc.

I plan to wear the SDJ with my Kua. As for the jewerly from my parents, I will wear when I leave my home in the wedding dress. ALso will wear the jiazhuang and SDJ during wedding dinner.
 

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