Unreasonable Dowry

[cactus_79]

I'm quite in a dilemna, Cynthia.
Cos I know I have the earning power to relieve hb's financial burden. I feel sorry that he works so hard every day. But I also know him... if he stops work and I work, his ego will be very very bruised.
The ideal is for me to continuing working but if it robs me of a happy marriage, then I'd have to stop.
I guess I know I need to take it easy at work, and put family and hb first in my life. But it's not easy for me to do so, esp if I've always been earning more than hb. And I've only worked for 4 years.... not very long. Feel a bit sad leaving my job.

 

[cactus_79]

Anyway,it's not as if I have a choice now. Just have to take things as they come. Be a happy bride, then go for a relaxing honeymoon.

Come back, and deal with it. Luckily we dun have any loans except for hb's mega study loan to pay off...

 

[monkie]

i am not so sure why you need to leave your job..unlikely its retrenchment right?

i know how you feel gal...if I am not wrong..its you used to have a staisfying job that give you sense of imporatance, and suddenly when u wake up in the morning, you find u have a whole day by yourself.

you wish to earn money to ease hb's financial burden but find that you are unable to do so.

all these..can be quite a thin line between staying positive and also at the same time taking time to adjust to your new lifestyle.

when is your AD? is it in October 07? maybe you can actively looking for a job now, attend interviews...and hopefully you will be able to start work after your AD. i think its too early to be a housewife now until all loans has been cleared.

assume your hubby is earning $6k now, so just find any job of $2k is not hard. but really have to manage your expectations of a sudden pay cut. BUT i think the feeling of earning less is still better than not earning a single cent at all. at least there is some self worth. for me, i can be real depress if i am out of job.

then while u working for this company, find a love nest...after you stablise with your love nest..then hunt for a career that you really wants...take one step at a time.

 

[monkie]

also catus,
while you are going to earn lesser than hubby, can also have some positive impacts to your hubby ego. think every guy loves to earn more money than his wife.

 

[cactus_79]

Hi Cynthia,

I'm working for Department A in a company. Boss of Department B came to me 2 months ago to ask me to join his department. He promised me alot of things. I said okay. He asked me to talk to my boss in Department A first for permission. I spoke to my boss. He was okay with my change of department. Then recently, I was told HR and Accounts could not approve Department B's budget for additional manpower. By this time, Department A already employed another person to take over my job. I dun have a choice but to leave... It's not retrenchment but similar to it.

I don't feel I have the energy to start looking for jobs now with AD and honeymoon - we're doing F&E so it takes alot of planning. I can't be sure what job I'm looking for actually. That's the thing that bugs me the most. I dun know what I want...

By the way, Hb's study loan takes 11 years more to clear.... not so easy to clear.

 

[cactus_79]

From this incident with my job, I know I married the right guy. ALl this while, my hb has been great. He keeps telling me not to worry about money matters and that we are not in the red. He also tells me he didn't marry me to generate $ for him and that he will support me for as long as I want him to. I feel like i"m the luckiest gal on earth.

 

[monkie]

yap...yap catus..everything happened for a purpose..at least you know something for sure "for rich or poor..till death do us part".

since u not sure wat u want, then take this opportunity to rest. perhpas while planning for HM, you will get inspiration of what you wan in future?

start a business in advisory, service? change to a job that is related to your interest/hobby?

ur hubby study loan marchiam like my HDB loan...

 

[cactus_79]

I'm toying with the idea of teaching music. I've a teaching qualification. The only problem is teaching will have to be on weekends and weekday evenings - cos kids go to school during the day. Have to think about it although it's quite $ generating. Beginners start at $100/month for a 45 minute session/4 times a week. I feel comfortable to teach up to Grade 6. I've teaching experience as I taught when I was waiting to enter university. I continued teaching some students even after I entered university too. See how first. Need to just get weddng dinner and honeymoon out of the way then decide what to do!

 

[monkie]

hmm..interesting!!
look forward to see u in wedding gowns.
you have pictures? welcome to email me at [email protected] or u have multiply??

 

[cactus_79]

We didn't do photoshoot... so no photos! Will send them to you after the wedding lah.

I dun have multiply.

 

[decent_gal]

thanks rosewhite..same to u too..cheers

 

[sparkless]

Hi cactus,

I would say take it easy on job finding. Enjoy your wedding preparation, your wedding. Enjoy your honeymoon.

I am teaching music too, but not as a full time job. A side line for me. It is true most kids are only free during weekends and evenings. A handful takes the morning or afternoon lessons.

Also, you may want to consider teaching in international school. You follow their school hours and have long summer holidays too. So your lesson may start from 2pm to 7pm, around this timing.

Back to this unreasonable dowry topic, after reading the various posts on how some parents can be demanding, it just made me realised that i have very understanding and accomodating parents. I told them no wedding banquet for me, they agreed. And my reason is just that the whole wedding banquet is a very troublesome affair. And there's no objection from the guy's side too.

Really thankful...

 

[cactus_79]

Thanks for your encouragement and your advice, twin fairy!

 

[mixue79]

Hi ladies & gentleman, I'm pretty new here so need some guidance.

After reading thru all ur discussions on the forum, I realise that there are certainly alot of details to take note of during wedding preparations.

My FIL asked me to check with my Dad whether he wants a dinner or buffet and how many tables. Dad told me that he mustn't be the one making the decision, he said he will leave it to my FIL & FH and he will respect their decision. Sigh....it's like a ping pong game. Wish Dad is more decisive.

Guess my FH & I will hv to discuss with his parents and come to a common decision ourselves.

Can anyone tell me what are the common stuffs and quantity that the bride's parents will ask for GDL? (I'm a Teochew bride and my FH is Cantonese.)

Thanks

 

[monkie]

personally i think wedding reception decision should lies between you and your fiance and not parents or in laws.

as for how many tables, have depend on your budget and also what is your expectations. do you want a grand one or just a personal one?

teo chew normally will ask for Si Dian Jin.

 

[mixue79]

Hi Cynthia,

Thanks for the advice. My FH and I will try to respect both sides parents' decision whenever possible. Tat's why we consulted them.

Cheers

 

[decent_gal]

Hi Twin Fairy you really very fortunate to have an understanding parents and in law...really envy you

 

[sparkless]

Haa katherine...

There's no banquet but my mum expects our church weddng reception to be grand, very good buffet catering. our current church doesnt have the space to allow big scale reception.

we also dunno what to do... haa

 

[feelinglucky]

hi, i've just found this website by luck.

Although i'm a chinese born aussie and am married, i'm not married to an asian and by choice we didn't have any chinese traditions throughout our wedding.
My brother is about to get married in the next couple of months. His future mother in law (hakka from malaysia) has requested a suckling pig.
I'm wondering if the tradition is to give the pig on the actual wedding day or if it can be given prior to the actual day. My day would prefer to give it prior to make life easier for everyone on the actual wedding day.

Oh, please excuse my ignorance but what's pinjin?

Thanks!

 

[princessxiaomei]

Hello~
Hmm.. first, i didn't know what bride and groom are not allowed to be present during GDL.. nobody mentioned to me before. Even the shifu who gave us dates never mentioned that.. he only told us which "animal" clashes with us on that GDL day.. and we have auspicious timing to follow to do all the distributions of GDL items...

Sigh. my in laws and parents 1st time having marriage for their kids so they don't know many things.. when my mum spoke to in law about pinjin all those.. everything is like anything anything anything.. pinjin amount also anything.. then tables she take 6 including red table.. then the APs collected she will give to us to pay for the dinner.. but in FIL says no such things as give us back!! and we got scolding from FIL after that when back home.. he says me & hb anyhow do planning.. saying nobody does that.. those 6 tables collect de APs are for my parents not for them to give us... he not updated!!! Urgh!!

Then later MIL ask us to go buy si dian jin as i am teochew bride.. but say say say only... also don't know is it hb going to pay for it... every single thing also paid by us... i only know my mum says when we go and buy those bed sheets, teapots, claim from her the money.. it is supposed to be paid by bride's family.. anyway i think no matter who pay for what, i will get the cheapest and best price. No need to be expensive!

I just hope in laws will help to pay for some... even though i know HB dont want to get any from them... at least if they come out some can help to lighten hb and my burden mah...

 

[candyprincess]

im a bit skeptical abt the items for guo da li and the pin jin... my fh says to leave it to his mum but i have this nagging feeling that shldnt really go a great job at it... not only that, we may even have to pay for it... i jus feel like doin it myself because i really feel i cnt trust her leh... but Fh insists to leave it to her... sian... dn nw she like putting words into my mouth to his elder sis... say i told her sell flat then use the money to put into our flat... WTH! i said no such thing okie!! FH wans them to live with us.. i told her u sell dn move in with us... ur money u keep n save... we pay ourselves... duno wad sai she go tell the sis dn the sis come say my fh n indirectly me.... damn pek ok! fh told me next time dun tok abt this to his mum dn i said its okie i wun talk to her at all. full stop! total BS lor!

 

[scareycat44]

A happy event should not end up so unhappy.
Luckily my parents very easy going, not so traditional.

 

[coco_nut]

is this normal?

30 boxes of cakes for gdl
"big" roasted pig (subjective)
12 cans of pig trotters
$6000 pin jing
$2000 nappy money

 

[Cheerojess]

$6000!!

Actually I'm also puzzled by the ping jing. What's the "nice" yet practical amount to give?

 

[Cheerojess]

My mom asked for $6888 for the ping jing )"

 

[Princessillness]

My dad asked for $8888 but with no tables. He don't care about "traditional wedding", but isnt ping jin part of the "tradition".

 

[Cheerojess]

U try to negotiate w him. My mom asked for 6888 coz my sis didn't had any wedding dinner or lunch. But she returned 3888. Usually parents will return half of what they ask for

 

[Princessillness]

My dad plan to return $1000 and use some to buy gold for btb and gtb. But we rather not want such expensive gold cox' we can't find $8888 :x

 

[purlip33]

My mum not asking any amt depend wat my htb giv, they will take a portion. But they took 4 tables and 8 boxes of cakes.

 

[leemei04140414]

My mum ask for 4 tables n no pin jin. She say as long as we are happy. She also took out 16k fr her savings to tide me thru

 

[xueyu]

my mom's asking for 6k, and about 5 tables for relatives. But she says the ang pao for these tables return to us
is that ok? or too much?

 

[Babypeg]

My mum asked for 6 tables but intends to give all the angbao to htb. Didn't request anything for pinjin, my mum says don't want to make them feel like selling daughter leh.


Using SingaporeBrides app

 

[Cheerojess]

Leemei! Ur mom is very nice!!!!!

 

[faithmiffy]

My mom did not ask for any tables nor pin jin during meet e parents my on laws and mom talk only about what cakeshop they wanna use or size of roast pig etc.. nothing about money was mentioned.

 

[Cheerojess]

my mom's asking for 6k, and about 5 tables for relatives. But she says the ang pao for these tables return to us
is that ok? or too much?

I think it's reasonable. You're lucky ur parents not taking the ang baos

 

[bearine]

My parents didnt ask for anything, so on her behalf, I ask for $1888, and return $888. My htb say I anyhow, ask too much.

 

[Cheerojess]

My parents didnt ask for anything, so on her behalf, I ask for $1888, and return $888. My htb say I anyhow, ask too much.

Hahaha!!! Depends on ur htb financial background ba. The pinjing is like an appreciation that your parents brought you up till so big kind. If ur parents nv ask for anything it actually make ur life so much easier

 

[etlt]

My thought is, my parent shouldn't use their era's practice and ask for such high amount of pin Jing . My htb already gave me a solitaire ( which my dad didn't give to my mum)! How can I have the cheek to ask for more pin Jing? We are splitting the banquet expenses, it makes no sense for my htb to give afew tables away. These days, banquet in the hotel is so expensive. Unlike restaurants, might still cover or make some. But hotel is no way. Hope our parent understand this.
Bridal and hotel banquet is enough headache for me. I really dislike guo da li. This is the part where we have to spend the most, just for the sake of showing off to the relatives.
I wish I can do away with the guo da li.

 

[BerryDreamy]

My thought is, my parent shouldn't use their era's practice and ask for such high amount of pin Jing . My htb already gave me a solitaire ( which my dad didn't give to my mum)! How can I have the cheek to ask for more pin Jing? We are splitting the banquet expenses, it makes no sense for my htb to give afew tables away. These days, banquet in the hotel is so expensive. Unlike restaurants, might still cover or make some. But hotel is no way. Hope our parent understand this.
Bridal and hotel banquet is enough headache for me. I really dislike guo da li. This is the part where we have to spend the most, just for the sake of showing off to the relatives.
I wish I can do away with the guo da li.

Totally agree!!!

As for me, I felt that we did not ask a single cent from our parents to pay for any expenses on the wedding. And the only request is only to be happy and attend the banquet, be the witness of our Solemnization and some co-ordination with the relatives, tats all...

My mum din even know the traditions and mix abit here and there... I really felt they just want to follow the traditions blindly and the sake for doing it


Using SingaporeBrides app

 

[DTa]

Totally agree!!!

As for me, I felt that we did not ask a single cent from our parents to pay for any expenses on the wedding. And the only request is only to be happy and attend the banquet, be the witness of our Solemnization and some co-ordination with the relatives, tats all...

My mum din even know the traditions and mix abit here and there... I really felt they just want to follow the traditions blindly and the sake for doing it


Using SingaporeBrides app

My parents are quite modern - they didn't follow any tradition when they got married. Merely just ROM and simple dinner. So my parents also quite 'cincai', say we don't have to follow traditions (which we don't even know the background of these actions).

But my inlaws are another case. I feel that they are trying to follow blindly... mixing hokkien, teochew and cantonese traditions together. They don't even know why they buy or do certain things. If I can elope, I would! To save on all the trouble of having a big dinner, having to trouble my friends to help prepare and have so many things to do on that day. My husband and I will be paying for the entire affair on our own, but yet my inlaws are requesting for more tables for their friends, even more than what the number of tables for my husband's friends and my friends.

 

[leemei04140414]

Leemei! Ur mom is very nice!!!!!

Yes. If my mother didnt help me, I think we will be in deep shit. Marriage is crazy exp and if our family still ask for pin jin, its going to weight down on us. After all, the tradition for now is usually that the couple will share out the cost and it no longer fall on the groom's family.

 

[Babypeg]

At first I also thought that doing guo da li is kind of bo Liao, but on second thought if we think in the deeper way that is probably the way my parent share the joy with us and they have the chances being in touch with the relatives through this event too. My mum says wedding dinner the guest just come and go won't really have the chances for more talks. I guess that's how a wedding will puts people together via both traditional and modern practices. So somehow I will try to make my parent happy with how they think the guo da li should be done.


Enjoying the journey of love

 

[BerryDreamy]

At first I also thought that doing guo da li is kind of bo Liao, but on second thought if we think in the deeper way that is probably the way my parent share the joy with us and they have the chances being in touch with the relatives through this event too. My mum says wedding dinner the guest just come and go won't really have the chances for more talks. I guess that's how a wedding will puts people together via both traditional and modern practices. So somehow I will try to make my parent happy with how they think the guo da li should be done.


Enjoying the journey of love

Thats provided they are giving the 喜餅to relatives...which i agree..

For my case is for my mum collies only which i find it duh -_-


Using SingaporeBrides app

 

[bunnyleo]

I fully understand how disappointing it is when my mum request this n tat for my wedding. I just can't help but envy those whereby parents can help on their children marriage n not ask for more.

I'm getting married Jan next yr, n HSE oso coming Aug next yr, everything oso need money. I try hunting my mum tat we are on tight budget, where everything oso crash next year, n my FH family is not gg to help him too. I feel like digging a hole to hide when both family meet up to talk abt the dowry. If only I have a understanding family, n even my sister keep expecting more from us.. I was like WTH!!! (

 

[eiko]

Actually in the modern era, parents should try to be more understanding towards their children. 1 table already costs more than $1k, seriously if need to give 10 tables I think will be in debt!

 

[Joey3]

My mum asking

10k includes nappy Ang bao. Not taking tables. Isit ok?

I have not discussed with my htb.

 

[C&S]

My mum asking

10k includes nappy Ang bao. Not taking tables. Isit ok?

I have not discussed with my htb.

Hi.. can I ask what is nappy ang bao? Different from pin jin? Btw, I m also giving 10k pin jin.. my parents get to invite as many ppl as they like but ang bao back to us to cover some of the banquet expenses..

 

[Jehvy]

Sigh, I don't get it how a wedding that should be a happy event made so unhappy about money issues.

I'm not sure if my FIL will be giving up back the angbaos they collected knowing that we will be forking out banquet cost, hopefully they will. My SO feels that it is disrespectful to ask them regarding the angbaos, I'm frustrated over it but what can I do but to keep my fingers crossed.

I asked my parents if they could return all the angbaos to us so we can offset the wedding banquet cost, they are agreeable but upset over it, we had arguments. They reasoned that they were planning to use the money collected as angbaos to buy me nice "jia zhuang" and new furnitures in my new home which I told them I don't really need now. I just need to pay off my banquet first. Thus, my mom suggested she can give us back the angbao money collected for the banquet preferably if she gets some "ping jin" from my FIL. - like just $2000 (after paying a portion back to my FIL) and use it to pay for my "jia zhuang" and expenses like the wedding lunch cost and GDL stuff cost.

Is that reasonable? My mother is just traditional - I know they have no intention to earn from the wedding. I also don't want my FIL to think my parents are gold diggers asking for "pin jin" and thinking that my parents have the intention to keep the angbao money. Sigh.

 

[Jehvy]

Take it easy lah. It's a norm to have such arguments before the wedding as everyone would have their expectations. Its just a part and parcel of things

Thank you for the advice, I just have to control my temper. I get annoyed and frustrated rather easily especially when simple things are made complicated because of different expectations and no one seems to want to compromise.

 

[Jehvy]

I can emphatize with you. I have gone through it myself The most amusing thing is almost every couple you ask will say the same thing. That arguments are the most frequent when planning for a wedding (besides renovation). hehe

Indeed. But I guess I have more disagreements with my FIL and my own parents rather than my own btb, thus I feel more frustrated. My btb and I are most of the time in the same frequency about what we want for the wedding and our flat but we are made to change our plans and follow what my FIL wants, it becomes annoying. I feel helpless too because when my btb goes against his mother, he gets humiliated and put down by her. I accepted what my FIL wants because I don't want my btb to be troubled but I can truly feel happy about it and I unintentionally take out on my btb, I said words that hurt him and I feel sorry after I did.