Unreasonable Dowry


New Member
The nieces and nephews no need to serve tea,but u may want them to have a handshake with you and ur hubby...During my wedding,we have a handshake with my cousins....

However,both u and ur hubby need to serve tea to the elder siblings....

Jia Zhuang is given by the female side while Pin Jin is given by the male sidee.....
My aunties,granny,and my parents all contribute to my JIA ZHUANG.....
Pin Jin was contributed by my hubby as my Mum-in-law has passed away before our wedding.

AS for the APs,U have to discuss whether both u and ur hubbyt gg to keep it or either of your parents will keep it.....
We kept all the APs,except for my parent side,my mum took the APs from the female side guests.....I think thos is rather reasonable,considering the fact that she has taken care of me all the while....


New Member
Thanks Hayashi!

Yup its true tt the ger side should keep the APs for taking care of the bride. How abt the guy side's parents won't they feel unfair not having to keep while the ger side gets to keep it?

U and ur hubby paid for the banquet? If yes, shouldn't the couple use the AP to cover the banquet cost?

I juz like to find out more b4 discussing with them so as to prevent misunderstanding and tt will affect relationship after marriage


New Member
Can Jia Zhuang be given as cash because my mum did ask me what i want from my uncles & aunties I told her I dun wear gold so might as well give me "ang pow" except for my grandma she has prepare a gold pendant for me and the rest of my counsins.

My mum already bght me a watch and dad bght me a pair of earrings...so all these consider as Jia Zhuang right? When do they officially give to us izzit during the tea-ceremony because I know my parents will be giving me an "ang pow" during the tea-ceremony?


New Member
Cutie & Virgo, I'm a cantonese bride, just got married a week ago.

According to my understanding, Jia zhuang are given by bride's parents to the bride. It includes cash/jewellery as well. My parents gave me cash as jia zhuang and only took 400 out of the 1288 pin jin my PIL gave. But my mum very kind, she gave me $200 out of the $400 she took for me to buy any miscenllenous things we need for the wedding and house.

As for whether bride's side take angbao from the tables at the wedding, its really up to your parents. We told both sides' parents to return us all the angbaos since we are paying for the banquet ourselves. Our parents are understanding and agreed. Well...they sure don't want to see their children in debt because of the wedding banquet.

My parents still gave us angpow even they have already givn me a sum for jia zhuang.

Hope it helps.


New Member
Another point to add. Brides' parents not taking alot of pin jin from groom's side does not mean that the bride is cheap. I think ultimately, parents want us to be happy. Why get unhappy over a few hundred or a few thousand dollars and affect your children's wedding. Is that so impt as compared to your children's happiness?


New Member

I don't know how u see the situation of your parents or your in-laws taking the APs....For my case,My parent didn't take alot of the pin jing from my hubby,(FYI,my hubby is the one who pay for everything,from the banquet to the bridal package even for my SDJ).
Therefore,i had let my parents took the APs collection....
Luckily for us,our APs are more than enough to cover for our wedding banquets and even our bridal package.

APs are just small issue,if your parents want to keep them,then just let them have it...But,on the other hand,if u need the APs to cover up for ur expenses,then its better to have a discussion with both side of the parents...


New Member

You mean our parents will take part of the money from the pin jin and give to us as jia zhuang izzit ?

For my parents case I told them to take the pin jin as we are not giving tables. Already told my FIL that we will be paing by card and they nd to give us all the ang pow to settle the banquet but the problem is he can't give me an estimate no. who he is inviting so having a bit of prob here.


New Member

Your mum may or may not take part of the pin jin as the jia zhuang to give to you......She may give you jewellery or cash as a jia zhuang....
It's okie if your FIL can't give u the estimated no. of tables.....Just tell him to pass you all the APs collected for the night.....So you can use them to pay for your banquet...
Why should there be a problem here???


New Member
Thanks Scrumpee

I remember seeing u in other thread...either Golden Horse or Grand Copthorne?

Great to hear tt ur AD is finally over after all the preparation...any AD photo to share? I'm sure the experience was great ya!


New Member

Definitely there will be a problem if he tell me that he needs 40 tables and at the end of the day I only have 30+ tables occupied then i am going to incur huge loss especially that was wat happen to my hubby's brother when he got married. They loose quite a lot as most of the tables were not fully occupied and left with many empty tables.

Good planning means we expect RSVP and try to confirm as accurate no. of attendees but not to the extend that so many people did not turn up because he dun send invitation cards but using phonecall to invite his frens in this case hw can we estimate the no. ....so i nd to sit down with him be a bit more thick-skin and sit down with him to do all this u noe sometimes older generation people can be a bit stubborn so i am not sure what situation i will end up to....


New Member
Hi all..
Just asking, u guys ever heard/ going to do this? During tea ceremony, after the couple ahs served all the elders, next will be all the younger kids and cousins offer tea to the couple and the couple have to *sigh* give them ang bao.. Do we really have to do it?
And.. When the brides mum's get the dowry, how many of ur mum's give some money back and is there a standard amount for dowry?


New Member
hi mcblur, are you sure the wedding couple has to give angpow too? i thought they shouldbe GETTING the angpows because its their big day! oh oh, i don't know about this and im not preparing any red packets for tea ceremony man!


New Member

i thk its better to standby some dun have to be a lot probably between $4-$8 as u wish because you won't noe wat is going to happen on the AD and if it happens and we did not prepare anythg its going to be very embarassing. However i dun thk that will really happen unless u have many siblings but just estimate hw many counsins or kids will be ard in case those elderly just kapo and ask them to serve tea to us....


New Member
From what I know from my wedding, if your mother is not asking for any tables, the dowry money she can take all. But if she intends to ask for tables (that's the no. of tables where she take angpow from lah), then she will normally put it back.

e.g. My in-laws placed over $2k for my dowry, my mum only took $200 (shocked the hell out of my in-laws ;p). So instead my in-laws gave 10 tables to my parents (cos they know they neither afford it nor my relatives who are attending are able to give much angpow).

As for tea ceremony, it is quite standard that people give very little. Can be $2 also. Because it's just a "yi shi" thing, cos remember they are attending ur DINNER at night too leh. Elders (meaning ur parents and above) normally feel oblige to get u some jewellery. If not, most will just give a simple angpow.

Does this helps?


New Member
okie virgo,

U have to tell your FIL the number of tables dat he can allocate to his guests...So,he has to arrange himself who are the guests that he want to invite....
On the AD,if there is a few unoccupied table,wat u can do is ask someone to be in charge of your tables...And before the dinner commence,those tables which are full,try to take 1 or 2 persons out(maybe your close relatives) from those tables,and seat on those unoccupied tables..At least,you will not be left with empty tables...
Anyway,this should be the last thing u need to worry about all your wedding day....No matter how stressful,must still enjoy yourself on this day....OKIE!!!

Sand Sand,
During my tea ceremony,What my hubby and I did was just a handshake with my cousins...However,when my hubby came to fetch me in the morning,he did give all my cousins APs(My consins are all younger than me)
There is no standard amount that your mum is obligated to take ....My mum just took 10% from my hubby...
As what Virgo has mentioned.....Still better to prepare some APs
Hi All Brides To Be

Something that I have in mind to share with you...

Pin Jin - I think it's reasonable for Bride's parents to take the pin jin as they raise you up and shelter you with love and care over the years. Usually Pin Jin sum is $1,888. Bride's parents keep $1k, return $888 for good luck.

Dinner Tables - Bride's parents will usually request for 8 tables as "8" is a good no. meaning "fa".

Ang Pao - Bride's parents get to keep these 8 tables ang paos.

Guo Da Li - Follow according to your dialects tradition. I know it's a must to give 2 long feng zu. Usually both parents will meet and discuss before the Guo Dao Li. Brides & Grooms, you can help each other to fend off ridiculous requests from your own parents. I have heard from my frenz that his sister future MIL request for Bin Tang Hu Lu which is quite impossible to get in SG. In the end, they search the whole SG but still failed to find it. Left with no choice, they used ang pao to replace it.

Tea ceremony - Budget constraint... give $4 each to your cousins especially if you have a lots of cousins. Amount up to individual preferences.

Not forgetting that you still might need to give your bridal car driver, photographer and makeup artist ang paos for yi shi yi shi. Perhaps can give a sum of $18, $28, etc whichever you think is right or give according to their services.

As for your jie mei, usually groom will give $28 each. Depending on individual preferences. 4 Jie Mei and Xiong Di is more than enough and will add up to $224. If you have more jie mei and xiong di, prepare more ang paos.

I'm not rich but we will be paying for all our wedding costs, from Pin Jin to wedding dinner.

My parents are not taking any ang paos from the 8 tables, we will give them more pin jin. E.g. 8Tables X $$700/table cost=$5,600. To get a good no., we will give $6,888 (which include the usual pin jin $1k). Will ask them to keep $6k, return $888 for good luck.

They will in turn use this pin jin for your jia zhuang and tea ceremony. Perhaps you can get back at least $2k+ or so.

If you do not have much budget for wedding dinner, choose venues which you can afford. E.g. per table cost $600-$700. Do a calculation before you decide on the nos. of tables you can afford.

At least you can cover back the 8 tables money from your frenz but you will usually incur losses on your relatives side; Don't be surprised, I have relatives giving $40 and it's from a couple. So plus minus shouldn't be much.

Note: State clearly on your invitation cards who to invite. It can be, Mr & Mrs Billy or Paul & Partner. Some people will simply bring the whole family there. Hence, always call personally 2 weeks before your wedding to confirm their attendance.

Do attend wedding shows in hotels as they tend to give more perks when you sign up with them during the wedding shows.


New Member
does anyone still read this thread?

i just had my guo da li. feeling a little down and decided to pen here. been coming here for tips but never really used it myself before.

here goes nothing!

but unfortunately it was not enjoyable at all. so much so that i had to hide in my room to avoid my relatives.

well, my MIL told me that since i'm cantonese and si dian jin is not a cantonese culture, i should get a piece of jewellery for the guo da li and another 2 for the tea ceremony.

i bought what i liked but in the end my mom thot it was too small and was too no face in front of the relatives. i really didnt think that was impt.

but what horrified me was, my MIL actually gave a 3 digit ping jin! i thot that was really very very little! i'm not a money grabber... dont get me wrong. but i guess i had in mind what ppl normally give for ping jin and was surprised my MIL's fall short by sooooo much!

my mom felt really embarrassed in front of the relatives coz not only was the diamond earrings small, the ping jin was darn little too!

i was glad my mom took everything and only returned a little as yi shi.

i really think my MIL doesnt know the "market rate" coz she is very westernised. perhaps she thinks yi si can liao. not realising that this guo da li is very impt in chinese culture and of course to my mom.

my mom is not a calculative woman but i really can understand why she felt that my MIL is a little too stingy.

my mom told me before that she will just take a little of the ping jin regardless what amt my MIL gave. i think she never thot MIL will give so little! and she even told me she didnt know how much to return to my MIL coz it was so little!

haiz. i think my mom is hurt that my MIL thinks so little of the tradition and of me (she equals ping jin to how much MIL values me).

i cant deny it has somewhat affected me and of course i know it's all very wayang so no need to take it too heart.... how much MIL gives really isnt impt. but somehow it still affected me.

i dunno how to face my san gu liu pou relatives. and worse thing is, my IL's are quite rich lor. i cant imagine what my relatives will think and say!

haiz why did this have to happen to me?

anyone has such an experience?

i hope the relationship between mom and MIL will not be effected after this experience.


New Member
sorry. just needed to let out more steam...

i think i'm quite a frugal and prudent person by nature.

so this wedding preparations i have been trying to save money and not be too extravagant. if A works as well as B and is cheaper i will buy A even tho B is nicer.

but after this experience i suddenly feel i dun need to save money for my IL's. why should i? they can afford it anyway.

am i very mean?


New Member
Hi chosenone,

You sound dispirited and put off by your MIL. Well, we're not their daughters so they don't really take into considerations of how the other party feels. When money is concerned, it's always better to lay it out in the open. Like my mother, she told my bf how much she's expecting so she won't get a rude shock. I've also checked with him how much he intends to give and told him elderly pple do see the amount of pinjin given as the somewhat equal of how much you value the gal.

I find it quite ironical that your MIL doesn't know the custom well but she knows that si dian jin comes from the cantonese culture. From the way I see it, she's trying to do things to her advantage.

Ya, I don't think you should save money for your ILs. If need be, give something to yisi yisi too.

I know what you mean when you say you can't face your relatives bcos of the meagre amount given. Basically, I know my relatives are like that so I won't be very affected. The most important thing is: will you blame your husband after the marriage? Will you use this episode to bear grudge agst him? If you might, talk to him abt it. Let him know you think it's too little.


New Member
thanks ashley for your reply.

in fact until today i still felt a little affected about it.

i thot of speaking to my FH. but i know he wont see it from my point of view. i did hint that my relatives are shocked by how small the diamond was. coz i didnt know then that the ping jin was so little and that was actually the reason why my mom was upset. but honestly, i chose it so i cant blame his mom. so i think now he thinks my relatives are very meano. haiz. i wished i handled the situation better.

i feel if i were to explain why my mom was shocked he will take it negatively. as in he will think my mom is very materialistic. he wont see it as the ping jin = how much his mom values me in the eyes of my mom.

haiz. i dunno. i hope to tell my mom later not to be too bothered by what the relatives say coz it's not within her control. my MIL should be the one feeling embarrassed! and it really doesnt matter whether she is really stingy or not or if she will bully me or not coz i dont depend on her for anything.

ashley, i wont deny i hold a grudge against my FH. i dunno why too. maybe it's just so natural to displace my disappointment.

i wish i did sound him out prior to the guo da li instead of assuming they know. i guess i wont be able to turn back time and there will always only be ONE guo da li and this bad experience can never be salvaged.

i just wish time will pass quickly and ppl will soon forget this episode.

arghhhh... ='(


New Member
Hi chosenone,
did both families sit down for discussion before the guo da li? what to expect in pin jin etc?


New Member
Hi chosenone,

i can understand how u feel lor...dun be pek chek anymore..treat it as an experience lor...Din your MIl ask your hb to ask you how much pingjin your mum wants?

My MIL does lor...and the shocking thing is , my mum ask for $8k!!...scary rite...i am so embarrassed to face my MIL whenever i go to their hse lor..haiz...but heard from my hb that his mum tinks $8k id too much lor, but as a form of respect, my mil will give lor...

SO now my probnlem is, how much is my mum going to return to my mil..haiz...i really bery scare she might just return a few hundred only lor..haiz...

Guess in one wat or another , all brides and grooms will face this problem lor..


tink both side should sit down to discuss lor...as for me, my MIL ask my mum to write down those pingli she wants, and she access lor... if she tink too much, she will deduct lor...my mum made some noise when her 6 cans of abalone becomes 3 cans..haiz...


New Member
haiz... no one asked what my mom wanted and my mom just assumes they know.

the worse thing is my mom had no intention of keeping anything. she just wants to observe customs and didnt expect to lose face. you know what i mean la. =( then when she saw the ping jin so little... in a fit of anger she swiped everything. in a way... i happy she did that la. hahaha. dunno why. maybe spiteful ba.

anyway... it's over liao. i must think of a way to shut the aunties up...


New Member
Newbbi79-good that ur mum ask for so much. tt time my mil ask hw much my mum want. my mum say 'sui yi jiu hao'. in the end my MIL oni give $500, wow tt's really very sui yi. in the end my mum oni took $200. sianz. think i'm the cheapest bride. if ur in-laws can afford, dun hv to 'xing tong' and save for them. who knows hw would they treat u in the future.


New Member
Hi Chosenone...

Dun get bogged down by these tinks...which u may ultimately find em insignificant later in life...

Im a cantonese too...during my weddin...I had no guo da li (my pil did not even mention abt it)...tis translates to no gifts...as i was the oni daughter...i made known my expectation of pin jin to my hb...he paid outa his own pocket to my dad...fm begining to the end...i rec'd oni a $18 ang pow fm my pil...durin the tea ceremony...no any pows fm my pil nor siblings in law for the dinner too...was rather displeased abt the whole tink...

however...im glad i found a gd hb (up to now at least)...my mil is nice in other ways...brewed soup for us...cooked dinner for us when we r bac...never ask me to help wif hsework...etc...

so hope tat u wil focus on yr wedding...u wil always rem it...n yr life wif yr hb...tis may jus b one of the many annoyin tinks which may make their way into yr lives as a couple...as u settle down into yr new life ahead...

Congratz...n b happie!!!


New Member

my experience is almost the same as u. u see my mil is paying for the whole dinner and my mum being nice, told her tt she'll be giving her share of the ang pows for the tables to my mil. But who knows, not only the pin jin my mil gave so little, even the jewellery is very tiny and thin. tt time i really feel like digging a hole and hide. the gold tt my mum gave is much more than hers..!!

nt tt i wanna bear grudge but till today i still cant forget this episode. esp when i sees the jewelley she gave me.


New Member

haiz..seems like your mil also same as chosenone 's mil lor..haiz...

actually, along i am very scare of getting married, scare mil bery nasty and fussy...and scare kana torture lor..cos my mum used to tell me, last time my grandma, her mil, used to ill treat her...made her wake up early in the morning to make breakfast, do all the hsework etc...haiz...

U are rite when u said no need to tink for our pil one lor..nv knows if next time they will ill-treat us anot hor...hehe..so now must take watever they give or buy, if not, next time no chance liao =)..hehe...bery bad hior..

hehe...lucky your mum took everything lor..so now they still got contact?meaning do u all celebrate mother's day btw the 2 families together etc?or go to your new hse for dinner together etc...


New Member

ya, who knows this may be the LAST time ur pil will buy u nice jewellery or even red packet. even if u give birth, they will only buy anklets or bb gifts.

for me, i dun arrange my parents and pil to sit together for any gatherings after my dinner. guess my mum also kinda upset over the pin jin.


New Member

ya lor...i fully support you...hehe..

but so far, my PIl are still quite nice lor..wat my mum requested for the pingjin and the pingli, they agreed lor...so guess , have to wait til GDL then know lor... I hope everything will be ok lor...dun wan to be caught in btw them...

my mum also upset cos she wanted 6 cans of abalone, but my inlaw only give 3cans...so i told her, the other 3 cans, hb and i will buy for her durning CNY lor.. =).


New Member

ya lor...i fully support you...hehe..

but so far, my PIl are still quite nice lor..wat my mum requested for the pingjin and the pingli, they agreed lor...so guess , have to wait til GDL then know lor... I hope everything will be ok lor...dun wan to be caught in btw them...

my mum also upset cos she wanted 6 cans of abalone, but my inlaw only give 3cans...so i told her, the other 3 cans, hb and i will buy for her durning CNY lor.. =).


New Member
Hi Newbbi79,
if u are the only daughter,this may explain why yr mum is like that. hmm how come got abalone for guo da li? maybe yr mum take those money and intended to give it to you during yr wedding day?


New Member

dUn fret, watever will be will be. ask ur mum dun be bother over 3 cans of abalone since most of ur requests are acceded by ur PIL.

when is ur GDL..??


New Member
Hi Gers

Juz wanna find out what is the amount considered reasonable to ask for for pin jin if the PIL is not paying for the banquet?


New Member

personal opinion, if u thk ur PIL finacially is ok then u shd ask for a 4-figure sum.
u dun have to bother if PIL is paying for ur banquet or not afterall this is the price they are gonna buy u over to their family.


New Member
hi girls

after hearing all these i dont feel so bad. hee. so many ppl same boat *hugz*

you know cantonese la...m ust have roast pig. my FH asked me a couple of days ago what size. piglet can or not coz difficult to carry ma.

wah. i nearly died. in my mind i was thinking... jewellery small, ang pao small... now pig also small small! i think i need a very big hole to hide lor!

ok la to be fair, the jewellery i chose it so no complaints.

just hope that the wedding chop chop come chop chop go...

newbie... me not married yet so no... no such family gatherings. and i dont intend to either. such things should be exclusive right? hee.


must consider alot of other factors. your parents taking tables? what about angpaos? if both no... then can ask for more... if both also take then i think better dont ask for too much. just yi si yi si can liao.

either that or ask your parents how much they intend to keep. if 888... then it doesnt matter how much PIL give right? give 6888 also keep 888... 2888 also keep 888. =)


New Member

then insist on the roast pig. anyway its nt ur FH gonna carry it to ur place. sure got his brothers to help him ma.

tt time when i saw the pin jin and the jewellery tt my pil bought, i also almost faint. u know la, on AD we need to show all our relative and friends wat jewellery our parents and pil gave. so i juz told everyone the thin thin one is from my mil.. then everyone will be like "huh, ur pil gave so stingy one ahh" haha

dun worry too much, juz be a happy bride.


New Member
hi all, i was reading this thread this afternoon and was really taken aback by how much unhappiness that could arise from the dowry process.

perhaps i would like to share my thots coming from a guy perspective.

my AD is sometime coming up and we are scheduling a parents meeting session to discuss the wedding stuff.

subtly, we have a list of items that are requested by my gf's mum.

initially, my gf and i could not understand why her mum is requesting for so many things, namely high pin jin + quite a few tables. the ang pow will be kept by her mum and my cost for all those tables amt a substantial amt and on top of that, i have to fork out the high pin jin as well.

both my gf and i were quite resistant to these requests as i do not wish to carry a debt created by our wedding as i am not rich and am paying my own way through for the entire wedding.

however, after reading these postings, i realise this is relatively normal and the possible unhappiness/embarrassment that my gf may face if i chose not to meet those requests.

money may be impt but i guess we tend to lose sight of the overall pic of having a wedding as a happy occasion.

hence i decided that it is more impt not to win the battle of not acceding to my MIL request but winning the eventual war of having a happy wife and a happy MIL.

although i will end up with a debt, i can only hope that my MIL will empathise with me and return some portion of the ang pow money to me.


New Member
hi rider

that's very sweet of you.

hope that everything will go on well. i think it is very true that money IS a very big issue when it comes to wedding.

however, if you look at it from another point of view, money can be earned back. so yea. it's worth investing if it makes everyone happy.

anyway pingjin your MIL is supposed to return a portion to you. hope she returns a bigger portion! =) then you will be a happy groom too. hee.

btw, i bought my mom a .4ct pendant just to shut my relatives up at the dinner. all the adults are sitting at the VIP table ma. hope it goes well!

if it makes my mom happy i guess it's only right to do so. and thank God for installments! hahahaha..

good luck everyone!


New Member
I juz came across this thread.. & it's quite scary reading all the stories abt GDL, pin jin & jia zhuang here... i'm getting married in 07' & planning for house in 06'.. till now i havent sounded my mum how much she wants & will be keeping... cuz I'm calculating our budget for house, reno & wedding... we are very young & $$$ can really be a very big problem to us... so my hubby now very stress up with our savings & we are often unhappy when we discuss $$ issues..

guess we have a lot of things to plan ahead...


New Member
hi i am new here... i am cantonese and so is he. however his parents very untraditional but mine is. tat creates a lot of conflict between both of us already coz he thinks my folks are supersitious. i dun wan to make him think my family taking advantage of him and his family.

so far the scenerio is my folks wan 10 tables, my mum has not compiled the exact list of items she wans: some item confirmed though- cakes, suckling pig, dowry. i m not even sure if my parents wl return the ang bao for 10 tables to us,

i am in a dilemna, we are paying for everything. my FIL wl only hv 2 tables and my folks wan 10 tables, not including the rest of the items... shall i tell my folks to let me keep the ang baos? my FH kept pressing me to check on my folks demands... i am like a sandwich between them! HELP!


New Member
Hi Ice Goh,
my pt of view that Pin Jin is Dowry. Usually the bride's dowry shall be sent to the bridegroom's family before the wedding day which is known as Guo Da Li. usually falls within a week or 2 week before the AD.

Sometimes the dowry will be brought by the bride's escorts. A traditional dowry normally consists of valuable items such as jewels, embroidered beddings, some sweet stuffs, oranges and sum of token $$ fr groom's parents , ang pows and cakes etc.the brides parents will then return part of $$ pin jin to the groom and some oranges and ang pows.


New Member
ermz.. a bit the mah fan hor.. me headache ah... dunno wat they want... hubby dun want to ask leh.. nobody wan to make the 1st move..


New Member
SO, when to give dowry and pin jin? which comes first?Nowadays, nobody display their pinjin during the banquet already. I guess, most important is not to have a lot of bad debts, still a long way to go after wedding. Wedding is only the beginning to marriage. My FH wants to give me 4 gold coins that is worth $500 each. I thought its quite good as i already have too much jewellery which i find it rather unneccessary.

Anyone can share with me what is the procedure of GDL and dowry?



New Member
Hi casandra,
me also got wedding conflict with mum cos a lot of things can be unneccesary but my ah ma (paternal side) want this and that. suckling pig, basin, 'tan pau'(in hokkien - small toilet)etc...

might as well use ang bow to replace those things and is more practical mah. do ask clearly what they want to avoid wedding conflict.


New Member
Hi snowy,
normally, the dowry and pin jin is either 1 or 2 week before the wedding date. for me, we choose the good date by flipping those tear calendar. our one is 2 weeks before our wedding day and on the bride's side, the bride and parents went to distribute cake and invitation card to relatives.

yup, where got ppls display pinjin and this will attract theft. maybe photos can be replaced. we do take some shots of it. yup, I agreed with you that wedding is only a day but marriage is a life time commitment. it is like an investment.

yup, do receive a lot of jewellary, I prefer receiving $$ instead, more practical.:p:p

for my procedure of how GDL and dowry works:
1) Groom's parents and bride 's parents together with the couple sit down to have a meal. (for our case, we use food tasting as the dinner)

2) Groom's parents will ask what bride 's side requirement. Groom will also in turn to ask again after the meeting.

3) Choose the good date 1 or 2 weeks before the wedding date and sent those items to bride's hse.
we do see the timing to set over, meaning, good timing cum good date.

4) for our case, the groom came together with his sister to take the items to bride's parent hse.

5) Bride's parents will accept the pin jin and return some of the $$ plus some oranges and ang pow for sister, brother and uncle.

6) Departure of groom and bride and bride 's parents will go and distribute the cake cum invitation card.

for us, I also distributed the cake to my neighbours and col.

do fee free to queries as I am the experience batch. will try my best to ans fr my pt of view and experience.


New Member
I just had my AD on oct05. Came across this thread, and feel like pouring out what I feel for my AD.

My hubby is not really that close to his mum(his dad not ard anymore) cos since young his parents divorced so he is living with his grandma and aunt. And also my hubby is a divorcee. His previous wedding is very grand with 2 weeks honey moon in states!

We are not that well off, still got debts to pay but since we are together for more than 8 years and we are not young anymore so we just went ahead with the wedding preparation without any savings!

His mother never come out with anything!! Never even ask whther got $ to pay for the banquet or stuff! Bought me 2 gold bangles as requested by my mum( cost abt 300 for both!)

On AD, during tea ceremony, she give me a necklace with fish pendant, she try to wear for me and push my head down, luckily I know that she will come out with all this nonsense so I just keep my head high stiffly and tell my hubby can help your mum anot

As for my mum, with abit dissappointment to say that she also did not get involve much, she keep telling us that no money, do no money one, chin chye do can already, hold banquet at restuarant la... very hurt at times.. the hurt still raw cos my sis's wedding she did get involve very much. She only ask for 4 tables for my wedding say that just invite close relatives, invite so many, suffer one is her cos she will need to follow alot(u invite ppl, next time ppl will invite u) whereas for my sis, she ask for 12 tables! Even our relative from Ipoh also here ok!

Pin Jin she only get 88bucks from my hubby (she knows that all the money we come out one) I feel that I m so cheap! haha. even my SIL disturb my hubby that I so cheap then why wait until now then marry me. I mean I am glad that my mum thinks about us thats why never take so much but still...

In short, alot of isssues involve, I don't think I have a happy wedding.. Even till now near to 3 months of my AD, I still feel like crying when I think about it...


New Member
Hi Gals

Some of u ve it 'bad' but in e end hope u dun hold 'dat' feeling into yr marriage cos is not good to start of like dat.

for me my AD also over liao but before dat me n hubby would arranged for eat out session for both familes (10pax include us) so we can get to know abt each other.
so now PIL knows my mother very tradition type :p

even before GDL my mom hinted dat e pin jin $$$ can't be 'lose' face type of amt cos my auntie asked from her SIL for '$6K' (n my auntie also told my mom she wanted to come n help her 'count'... argh!!!)
but my mom pai say dun want to 'ask' for it so i ve to act as e go-between n hint hubby for it.

so in e end my mum got e following for GDL
1. $6888 (which she took $2k)
2. 20 boxes of cakes
3. 40 canes of pig troller
4. 4 dian jin (which MIL pays only $2k while hubby $1.8K)
5. 10 tables (which mum rtns all) but we still lose $5K for e dinner.

for tea cerno
my mum bought me 2 sets of 4 dian jin for ja shuang(gold n white) n 1 thich gold necklace with pendant n 1 thick gold bracelet (very na kan type) so no ang bao given
FIL gave each of us $600 n MIL gave hubby $28 n me a thick gold necklace with pendent

i think all is down to communication lah, cos if u looked at wat my mom asked for u may think she asked for alot but when u factored in e stuffs dat she did n rtn, then she ended up paying more than wat she took initially. n PIL gave alot too during e wedding.

but mom did said dat dun assume they know, hint or tell them so there won't be much surprises on e day itself.

also when i try to book 'roasted pig' for my wedding, i got trouble cos e uncle said end last yr to this ye, they r experiencing shortage in pigs so do take note.

FYI my mom gave us 1K for housewarming n PIL none so i think in e end she gave us back e pin jin $$$ liao.


New Member
hI afcai,

If i read you correctly, the Pin Jin or GDL is to be done few weeks before wedding and the dowry to be given by mother on the AD. correct?

Actually, i think i am very lucky cos my parents and in-laws very easy going type. My father always tell me that he would not want $ from me. Whatever, i earn, i should keep it. My in-laws want to give my FH and me quite a big sum of $ for our wedding which i told my FH that we will pay them back slowly. But, quite touched to know their gesture as they know tt there is so much to be paid.

For me, no roast pig or 4 dian jin is fine. I rather have $, can pay off renovation cost or future cost. I am a simple girl, since 21 yr old, my mum has been buying me lots of jewellery and i am very happy with my engagement ring and wedding band. So, do not think i have any more space for more jewellery..ahah.

The rest of you, do not be upset, most importantly is how your husband treats you and if this love will last. The rest are just superficial.