I gave up on our 3 mths of marriage

[lambshanks]

NOLEM:

Your decision is correct. As you said, too many 3 months were spent in anticipation of a (pardon me) damned situation changing for the better.

Wives cannot tolerate mummies' boy. If your man cannot stand up against his overbearing mother hen for pecking needlessly on you - then he is not worth it staying in it for. You have an amazing degree of patience. My harry potter vein was twitching as i ran through your post. And by your patience already described here, if your hb is blind to witness it then by now then there's really no recovery of blindness. Or if he knows but is too weak to put up a defence and have his side stand down, you will be put down forever. Your part in his family is reduced to nothing more than a physical presence which is used to do nothing more than to feed the bitterness in her being.

Treating a future DIL and then DIL is bad enough, but to don her uncouth cape and brandish it right to your parent's faces .... no child should stand that. As for your hb, have him make himself an improvised spine for gods sake. he has obviously no clue about couple/family dynamics enough to make you feel treasured.

NOW - just imagine if you stayed on and have kids... good god will your decision ever have a chance to factor in? names/schools/food/method of upbringing/values... you will Rue the day your child is brought up by them thinking it is Right to put his/her own mother down. A spoilt son who is not your son... enough said.

You made the right choice and stick by it. By now nothing is going to change because if there was a dimmest hope at all before, you would not have created this post. Before every light at the end of the tunnel there is more darkness. And you have walked a length way commendable enough to put down any doubts that YOU TRIED.

You've taken the first step to snuff out the darkness. Congratulations.

 

[lambshanks]

Agreed. The HB should always be the one to take it up with their own side and manage. Agreed that women expect their hb to protect them from overbearing in-laws and yes, they have their own way and take some time to do it. But Nolem here is married for some time, been dating for such a long time before then. Was there an effort to change before? Did Nolem ever feel protected before? Did she feel the effort coming from hb to try?

For all you ladies out there, what business has it to do with the in-laws how you as a grown up spend time with you hb? Sorry man but from what I read seems the whole family stood up there and took turns with the vows.

I think its rubbish because of the numerous examples here just for her to shove her bloody jade ching dynasty ring up Nolem and HB's noses... the part about the vacation... cook or not, wash or not... are you kidding me? Lying when they are out, NOT being able to let them know what they are doing/where they are. Reporting endless when you are adults already.

Mates, inmates get more freedom out in the Yard.

I think what's driving Nolem nuts as well is not just the extreme way they are controlled and treated but the mundane and trivial nature of the ways (seemingly infinite) that she chooses to butt in.

When a leopard seal catches a penguin at sea, he takes a chunk in the neck and shakes it till it snaps. For a wife and hb under such stress of (for real) NOT able to lead a normal couple life, there's a lot of shaking they need to go through...

His family is important to him, yes, but you gauge how important you are to him as well. And Nolen, I am interested also what your own parents make of all this. Do they know the extent of how they are interfering? YEs they don't wanna butt in too much for fear of affecting the already -I-have-no-words-for- r'ship with his family but if they realllllly knew (which i don't think they do) they probably would not sit back and have you suffer them.

 

[nolem]

Lamb :
"he has obviously no clue about couple/family dynamics enough to make you feel treasured. "...."I am interested also what your own parents make of all this"


Hb always sees himself as the role of 'son' and feel extremely guilty whenever MIL somes out with harsh words. I kept telling him that family nucleaus changes after a person gets married, spouse have to come first, this is how a family is run! I just cant get this concept into him. Pls tell me how to convince him? How to drill this into him w/o him mistaken and keep thinking i hv hidden agenda to brainwash him to think this manner due to my own 'self-centerness'? Isnt it how family dynamics works, after a person gets married, he/she to place priority for spouse? This is what my own father taught me. My dad even tells me that after married, all bank accounts should be converted to joint a/c and change beneficiary to our insurances to spouse till we hv kids then apportion to children accordingly. However, my dad's advise was made in good faith not realising hb doesnt play his role as husband in the correct/expected manner likewise in the first place.


The worst thing which breaks my heart is, last week when he smsed me to tell abt his quarrel with MIL, he ended with a sentance saying he is feeling v down, hope that some accident happen to him and lay in hospital so everyone will break the bitterness with him. Initially i thought he was depressed cos i left him for the week, but i realised its more likely due to his sour r/ship with MIL. I was having contradicting feelings. One hand i hv sympathy for him being in such misery state which MIL induce into him (which i can understand cos i heard MIL's super harsh words b4), but on the other hand i felt miserable that he felt down bcos of MIL ignoring him, not me!!! I shall give him the benefit of doubt to make myself less upset.

I told him off that how could he left me alone for a week w/o feeling something amiss and not even called. (yes, though i told him i need time for a break but he really left me alone, no calls/ no smses: this proves he didnt had urgency to mend this rough patch asap?? or even try to please me with flowers etc??). Then MIL's quarrel made him "feel-like-dying" and hope come accident happen to him.. Gosh!!!! i cant write further........ this is killing me now...

 

[ribenagr8s]

(yes, though i told him i need time for a break but he really left me alone, no calls/ no smses: this proves he didnt had urgency to mend this rough patch asap?? or even try to please me with flowers etc??).


I think you are really high maintenance. You expect alot from the other party. Would he be thinking why you nei send a card over?

 

[nolem]

Some of u asked why did i chose to stick with hb after 4 years and who do i see in him.

Answer : i admire him as a person in other ways. He as a single person, is much desired. But when MIL comes into the picture, situation is turned. As much as i cant see eye-to-eye on the mother-child r/ship, i kinda hv sympathy for him. Imagine a grown man of strong built on the outside getting threatened all his life by his mother? What kind of mother would constantly throughout the years induce such fear to her own child?

I was touched when hb told me abt his feelings back in our dating days. He said he felt as if he were a dog of his mother. MIL only ensure he gets food and water to keep him alife but deny him of other desired freedom nor care about his emotional well-being. He pictured himself tied to a lash inside a house, peeping through the window and envy other dogs playing at the field outside with their doting owner. He says he felt MIL kept a dog to guard her house (her old age??), kept the dog alive and made the dog indebted to herbcos she gave it life and kept alive. True enuff, whenever hb tried to talk sense into the unreasonable mum, she will say things like "i cook for u and brought u up, i am yr mother and so i hv the right to know everything i demand to know, u cannot defy me!"

I told hb, if she is not willing to self-sacrifice (like all mothers) to go thru some hardship (which mother doesnt?)in bringing up her own kids, they why choose to hv children in the first place? U mean she wants to give birth but not willing to raise them? Now she complaints and wants the child to be indebted to her! I am convinced MIL wanted children purely to guard her old age and she had already paved the way and planned to educate her son in such manner since birth using the 'emotionally and psychologically inhumane' method.

How can any man who is such filial having strong family orientation be not life-partner material? I think i stood by his side cos i wanted to help him get out of his misery as well.

I think we need professional help fm counsellor.

 

[tomasulu]

exactly. nolem, until you get out of this i-i-i me-me-me stage, you won't move things forward. ok, so we have established that your mil is a monster and that your husband is weak. what are you going to do that will help improve the situation? if all you want is a collective pat on the back so you can divorce your husband with a clear conscience, you have it. many here have said that's what you should do. otoh, if you want to work things out, you have to work this together WITH your husband. this constant whinging, woe-is-me attitude and finger pointing won't help one teeny bit.

 

[nolem]

ribenagr8s : i jus thought any partner would had done whatsoever he/she could to salvage the situation asap, esp when its already on the rocks? Sending flowers was jus an example to cheer someone. U mean sending loved ones flowers = high maintenance?

 

[autumni76]

I understand how you are feeling, gal.
You HB feeling down coz of his mum, not coz of r/s not working well with you.

There're several issues in this whole thingy.

I can't tell you much what psychology part would say, becoz every case is diff, since every individual's personality is diff.

what i would do, if i were you ---- is to speak to counsellor BY YOURSELF first. To see what you can deduce from it. Dno't wait for him. Then go for coujselling together with HB. The counsellor will help with pre-planning as far as possible on how to help the prob resolve and marriage work out.

When MIL threaten to commit suicide, call her or speak to her immediately with a HIGHLY concerned tone, and let her know that I'm calling the police to SAFEGUARD her life.
And really CALL.
They will refer the case to counselling centres who will then do follow ups (maybe even do home visits).

I'm not working in this line though (just studied to upgrade myself and purely through interest).

The call will serve as a form of support. BUT you've got to stand up firm and strong. Why only you? Because your HB is what I would condemn as 'useless' in this case.
He's too absorbed into his own tragic life. It's not going to be easy for him to jump out of it (if he's been telling lies just to pacify you. That means he still dare not take out that first step).

And he has GOT to stay away from his mother, until he gets out of the cycle. Phone calls, maybe, but not too frequently nor more than 10 minutes each session.

I'm not a control freak. Like you, I've my ups and downs in my marriage.

But, the marriage turned better for me, coz my HB was willing to wake up from his own world and he spent more time in this family, rather than with his mum.

Sorry to say, but my personality is harsh. Till to date, for near to 3 years, I have not stepped into their house after those unreasonable treatments my HB gave me. "You don't know how to discipline your precious son. Ya lah. Other ppl's children all grass. Only your children are diamonds" I would say such things right into her face. She was boiling mad. But you should see the way they treated me.
But after my HB changed for the better, I do encourage him to go back often to visit them.

Be prepared to have your HB blaming his depression on you. Mine did. And i digged out his upbringing history, throw back at him, that nobody taught him how to cope with stress? So not my fault.


But really, I had to stand very firm and be very strong.
You MUST keep telling youself "I MUST be strong. I must NOT fall."
Imagine yourself as a sturdy strong tree who will not fall.

What to do? When the guys are useless?

your HB should be MILLION times thankful, that I am not you, that his wife's personality is so accomodating and has been trying her best to fulfill her duties.

If he still doesn't know how to appreciate you, really, and you're so tired and feel it's just not going to work, then leave while you still can.

Neighbours are just a bunch of people who crossed our path at times.
Don't be bothered by them. Anything when said about neighbours, talk yourself into dismissing them from your mind.

"(yes, though i told him i need time for a break but he really left me alone, no calls/ no smses: this proves he didnt had urgency to mend this rough patch asap?? or even try to please me with flowers etc??). "

I think he simply doesn't understand you, propbably doesn't even understand women.

Oh yes - i may be very harsh, but at least i achieved what i wanted, and, now i'm learning to tone down, soften and be gentle. This yr, the idea of visiting my PIL during CNY also came into my mind.
But my HB felt I've been working too much and needed a good sleep, so he didn't want me to go. And he stayed home to accompany me too.

 

[nolem]

Sunflower: yr suggestion to call police sounds workable. I didnt know they'll refer such suicidal case to the counselling centres who will then do follow ups. Prob this is the only way to get MIL counselled.

I really hope hb is following this thread after last Fri. I hope that afer reading the feedback of 'general public' on the issues we have, he'll stop thinking that i was selfish to want to change the current situation to 'my own benefit' or i am finding fault with MIL like most DILs.

 

[dizonne]

hihi...

mi htb's mum juz told me tis..."with ur sort of character, its a wonder ur marriage will work out.."
is she implying tat she doesnt wan us to get married???
i reali getting more n more stressed...i duno hw to handle e situation animore....
tink i'll suffer from pre-wedding depression sooner or later...i onli managed to hav 6 meals for e WHOLE of last week leh...
haizzz...
wat shld i do?? im reali lost...

 

[lost_in_space]

Hi nolem,

I also experienced some unhappy experiences with my MIL after we rom.. many things surfaced during the 2 years of wedding preparation.. there are times when I want to divorce but after serious thoughts.. what is our wedding vow? why separate because of MIL? a bit pointless.. my MIL said harsh words to me before.. but ultimately.. why am I so upset abt those words? It's because she is someone to me.. that's why I will cry.. complain to others.. she is also scared that after wedding, her son will not listen to her anymore.. get jealous.. but as a DIL, just do ur part to take care of her (accompany her for morning breakfast, to market, talk to her, learn things from her) I believe one day.. u will see light as me too.. hugs* stay on..

to nolem's hubby, I really hope that you can stand firm, not asking u to be unfilial.. but to learn to take care and most imptly, to protect ur wife from harm.. cos she is the person who will accompany u till the end of ur life.. cherish her when u still have the chance.. =)

 

[lost_in_space]

xiaokeai, prove to her that both of u know how to work out ur marriage.. fyi, my MIL also mentioned to me that "if like tat, might as well don't get married in the 1st place" - after we already married for months..

why she said things like that? because she never think before she speak.. don't blame her.. old ppl not educated.. just concentrate on ur wedding preparation and be a happy bride.. =)

 

[dizonne]

hi lost..

i koe she's one who speak without tinking...i can forgive her...bt e hurt is still there..i cant forget...

i tink too mani tings have happened which i chose to ignore coz of mi luv for him...n now, im suffering....

i duno if i shld continue wif tis guy who keeps letting me down time and again...n i duno if i can trust him to protect n take care of mi all mi life ma..when he cant even protect mi against his family...haizzz...

 

[lost_in_space]

u will learn to forget abt it.. i went thru the suffering.. just take that she anyhow say.. 1 ear in, next ear out..

as for ur guy.. give him some time.. he will learn to protect u.. just like my hubby..
after this stage, ur r/s will be stronger..

 

[nolem]

lost : i've already fake ignorance to MIL when i hear her say those stuff. Even on my wedding tea ceremony, i allowed her to pin the damn flower on my head even though i knew the intention and meaning of it. I think i had been very tolerable towards her always. Maybe she just wants to push me til my limits.

4 years to my hb is sufficient? I hope he take me serious this time cos i will not want to continue this marraige if he does not ensure MIL stop bugging us.

 

[nolem]

xiaokeai: my MIL confronted me and tell me 'What is past is past, just wipe away and start all over....". on the following nite i retuned to sleep over after i nursed myself back to health alone with my mum at maiden place.

MIL expects me to forgive n forget all her disdeeds but continued to carry on her control freak behaviour onto us. Its easier said than done. How can the bully expect the victim to forgive n forget when she does not even want to stop the bullying?

i hope that u can bear my real-life experience and decide whether to carry on with yr marriage with a man whom cant protect the gal and with a terrible MIL. I'm all regrets but its too late

 

[dizonne]

nolem,

i was caught in a similar situation too...THere was once she accused me of seducing her husband, and wanted to drag me out of e house...Though bf was there, he neva helped mi..instead, he helped to drag me out of the house...

REASON?? coz he said tat though his mum accused me, i shouldnt have retorted back to her...zzzz...

and his mum went around telling everione hw horrid i was n hw i was 'kicked' out of her hse....a few daes later, she called me and apologise and asked me to forgive n forget...which was wat i did...

wat i didnt koe was tat she didnt bother to tell all her relatives e whole scenario, nor did she bother to clarify aniting...From then all, ALL his relatives lk at me with those 'one-kind' look. One of his cousin whom i koe even aked me tis...u still got face to go back their hse after wat happen??

when i heard tat, i reali felt so low and cheap lor...n i cant go ard telling everione tat i came back coz she apologised...so im sandwiched, yet again...

 

[nolem]

xiaokeai: yes i went back, bcos i am now officially married. the more i cant put my hb in diff position.

what's worse, she went to complain to my hb that i didnt show concern abt her. MIL says that i merely greeted her and walk straight into bedroom and stayed in there, didnt want to come out to the hall. That when i see her when we go home, i didnt 'show concern' abt asking her cos i didnt asked her whether she ate dinner or not? why so late still not goen to bed? etc. I totally freaked out!!! What on earth she wants out of me? First she comes with the voodoo red flower, then talked behind my bad to ask hb must not listen to wife me, then called my mum to scold when i merely went maiden home to recuperate fm discharge fm hospital, then she demand that i go back to sleep. Despite being so angry and upset with her and i still went back to Zzz, she still so arrogant and expect me to ask those stupid superficial 'words of concern'.

I told hb, its too much to ask from me to even try to strike a conversation with her after all i experienced. Its as if she liked me and was upset that i gave her cold shoulder and not accompany her to chat or watch tv in the hall? Since she had already laid her cards on the table after she done those misdeeds, what does she expects from me??? How she expect me to treat her nice sincerely when she continues to do harm to my r/ship??? I think i've given into her enuff by not confronting her against those stuff and kept quiet all the while.

 

[nolem]

xiaokeai : May i know how old are u? i would advise that u shld continue dating to understand yr bf better else find another man. Dun jump into marriage if family planning/age is not a concern.

 

[nolem]

I am contemplating whether or not to "severe ties with MIL" as this seems to be the only way out to terminate her bullying and control freak towards us. Whether shld i totally ignore her when i go back to Zzz and she sees me and she comes barking again abt me going back maiden hse, i just throw it at her regarding her recent comments abt us not cooking/washing clothes. I just say that she is accusing me and saying that i'm not performing my role as wife. That she is poking her nose too much into our couplehood. What is she unhappy abt with me? Then if are not on good/talking terms, i will not have to commit meself to go back for dinners etc after we move out.

Above sounds extreme, but i dun hv any solutions...

 

[dizonne]

i totali understand wat u mean..

haha..i told mi htb..im nt e pretentious sort lor...i dun c y i muz ask ur mum whether she eat le ma everidae, or buy tings for her, or ask her y she still havent sleep...if im genuinely concern, i will automatically ask...bt u cant xpect mi to show concern juz for e sake of showing...tat is too petentious for mi....

i oso ask him all e time...i duno wat they want...here i am, trying mi best to juggle mi work, mi htb, and his family, but no matter wat i do or hw hard i try, they are neva satisfied...

If i dun sweep or mop e floor, im lazy...if i mop or sweep his room, she either sae not clean, or y i neva do e rest of e hse...then when i do le, she complain not clean la, i got no heart to do la, etc...

haizz...i oso duno wat to sae...
all i koe is i can neva satisfy them...haizz...

im 26...

 

[dizonne]

i also wanna do xtreme tings like u...bt then, mi htb will be e one to suffer....

i guess its mi character ba...alwaes tinking about hw others will feel.n end up, i neglect mi own fellings...

this is hw i landed miself in all these shit...haizz..

 

[lost_in_space]

nolem,

I can understand abt the voodoo flower thingy.. actually it's a teochew practice... just let her be.. cos put the flower is only a show for the relatives to see (that u as a DIL will listen to her), but do u really listen to her? haha..

also.. bear in mind that whatever you do at his house.. will reflect on ur parents.. so always think before u act..

I believe that when u and ur hubby move out, things will get better..

 

[lost_in_space]

I also did thought of sever ties with MIL.. but who will suffer in the end? ur hubby.. and u will also be very unhappy.. learn to let ur hatred go.. don't keep it inside ur heart.. and I believe ur parents will feel heartpain to see u in such a state..

I had been thru this stage.. that time when i just think abt it.. my tears will just come out and worst.. in office.. affecting my work and health too..

 

[nolem]

lost: same here, those things jus kept ringing in my ears.

as much as i tried to let go, MIL's behaviour is constant and continued. I'm always reminded of it....

i will not be bothered whether MIL will trace my attitude towards her related to my upbringing or not. In the first place she was unreasonable enough to call my mum to scold jus bcos i went back to maiden hse to stay (which was an agreement between me and hb that weekdays i stay at maiden hse occassionally as i hv my dear pets whom i have to care for and hb already told her abt it). Everytihing that i do wheich is not pleasing to her, she will say my mum dun teach her daughter, be it justified or not. Anyway, hb accounts MIL's confrontation towards my mum is bcos she was guilty conscious that she thought i intentionally went home bcos i was angry with her.

 

[nolem]

lost : i know the red flower thing is a custom, but who practice it nowadays? Its an old tradition which is discontinued bcos it brings along ill feelings. Bcos its an act which reflects MIL's desire to control and suppress DIL. In this modern times, i had not seen or heard any of my frens or relatives doing this. Only seen in old time drama, back in dun know which dynasty!!

 

[joey04]

Hi Nolem, I've read thro the thread and feel like my heart had gone thro a rollar coaster ride. I believe you did try to work your marriage out and your limits and tolerance has exceeded. I only have one advise for you, follow your heart and make a decision. Dont look back to your pasts and don't let that ever haunt you. I think you deserve better treatment than all these.

 

[autumni76]

actually, i quite like traditional cultures. but NOT the 'man is master of house', 'man is biggest in the family' ' You as a girl, married into my family, not I as a man married into your family' those type of stupid talks/thinkings.

traditional cultures like those i see in HK/taiwan marriage website. Like use red umbrella, throw fan out of bridal car etc. Those that seems fun, yet won't hurt a marriage sort.

Nolem, you said "i hope that u can bear my real-life experience and decide whether to carry on with yr marriage with a man whom cant protect the gal and with a terrible MIL. I'm all regrets but its too late".
Actually, it's NOT too late. Even if you annul the marriage and get another suitor, there's at least a chance of having a happier life.

Your HB is just like those hamsters i saw in the farmart - forever running in the wheel - a cycle. Pacify you for awhile, then back to square one, then repeats...

xiao-ke-ai, i would have walked out of the r/s if i were you.
In the first place, i don't believe i marry a guy to do housework for him. And anyway, i don't have that amount of time either. I'll rather get a maid.
Maybe they're treating you as a free maid. Pardon me for being crude.

There was this idiotc fellow, who just have to criticise on everything i do, and from my hair, all the way down to my toes. ALL NEGATIVE criticism.
Ended up, i was very depressed, very unhappy. He felt he's too good for me, maybe. But actually, if i were to compare, i'm probably better than him in terms of earning power. He's only an ITE holder, while I was going to get a degree in future (and he told me not to get a degree. hahha. )

So of coz, we spilt. And I was sooo much happier after that.
2 yrs later, met my HB.
Of coz, our marriage later on got lots of ups and downs. BUT, i think he's probaly the only one who can tolerate my nonsense also. hahah.
and me the only one who can tolerate his nonsense.

nolem, maybe you wanna doublecheck with police station?

 

[nolem]

sunflower:
i am also not in acceptance towards 'traditions' which cause harm than good. I am open to practice the traditionas etc the red umbrella, but when MIL tried to pin the red flower and pressed my head real hard (which she denied), i think its an action that displays her intention and desire to control pple and was naive to think that by putting the flower on my head i will be 'scared of her' as per that is believed in old folklore.

hb told me last nite that MIL asked him to buy a resale flat at his place and rent out our new condo. I felt it was a very selfish request. In the first place when we started house hunting 2 yrs ago at MIL's area, she was the one who object every unit we viewed and insist all resale units are bad, we can only stay together. Then after she knows that she has no control towards hb (cos we went ahead to buy private unit), now she wants us to move back, as if the resale units now are v attractive. Now she tries to deny us of staying at our new place.But hb says he's not going to listen to her, so i am comforted that this is his first step towards salvaging our marriage.

Lets wait and see if MIL will really move into our new place uninvited. Then we hv to crack our heads to find solution again.

I think calling police is a good suggestion. At least she knows there are consequences for her actions. Hopefully she gets fined etc for her acting. Besides that, how else can we arrange for counseller's house visit?

 

[autumni76]

My MIL didn't put the red flower over my head. She placed a stalk of leaves over my head.
Those types where taoist used to ward evil, sprinkle water type.

I was like... huh??? Am I an evil or what.

But she never ask me to kneel down. Neither did we need to kneel down when we serve the tea.
(My father did that though. He said Hokkien must do that. I was boiling mad for that)

Probably because she went to those fortune teller before, and they told her something like i'm a stronger character than my HB. So must do that to thumb me down.

But no leh. Ended up, I thumbed all their nonsense down.

If they don't give me any nonsense, I will love them 10 times more. And be the best DIL in the world.
If I'm given nonsense, then sorry, I'm not those traditional women who will gulp down the torture, be it mentally, emotionally or physically.

My mother didn't bring me up to have me abused in any form.
That's what I always tell myself.
And one day, even if she were to come to and end of her journey in world planet, she's still my precious mother.

When I first got married, I really ran to my maiden house almost thrice every week, whether to stay overnight or what.
Until my father puts a stop to it.

Then i got used to staying at my new house but still view my mum as most important person in the world.
However, after last Dec, I've come to understand, that, my HB is most mportant. Because, he's the one that's going to be with me for the rest of my life.

Now that my parents are old, they only have enough energy to look after each other. And need extra help from me and my sibling in time to come.

But though I recognise my HB is the top prioty in my life now, my principle of NOT getting any emotional/mental/physical abuse still stands very firmly. And it'll remain as my principle till eh day i die.

 

[autumni76]

nolem,

don't be bothered by her whatsoever request.
Just make sure, you DON'T acede to her request.
And NEVER give her the house key.

another way? hm.. unless counsellor willing to fake as a friend to come to your house and chit chat wit her. Then gradually change her mind. Which might take years also.

To Nolem's husband
"Now she tries to deny us of staying at our new place.But hb says he's not going to listen to her, so i am comforted that this is his first step towards salvaging our marriage. "

Way to go!!! Excellent! Be the strong pillar for your family, ah boy!!
Yeah! (You'll be called a man after you succeeded. Now, just call 'ah boy'.)

 

[tomasulu]

sun_flower, you are da bomb. respect. btw, are you cantonese?

 

[autumni76]

huh? wat bomb?
no. I'm a hokkien. My dad is, so naturally i should be right?

my mum's hakka (Ke jia). By right, hakka women are most bearable to all nonsense in life.

But then, too bad.

I guess it's true that people said children look up and take their FATHER as the role model.
That's what i see in most cases.

Want to know how the person is like? Look at the father. Applicable to both ladies and gentlemen.

But then, learning from mothers is a diff stage of life loh.

btw, my father's a tyrant. Temper just as bad. Only diff is, he doesn't do commit suicide threats. He doesn't hurl verbal abuse. He'll just throw a plate onto your face if things are not ahppy for him.

it's been quite a few years for me to get to the 'gentle mind' stage. haha..

 

[dizonne]

sun,
u sure abt e children similar to FATHER part??

my bf's dad is a MCP and 'flirt' leh...He is e sort who will sae "Im e man of the house. You muz listen to me", etc sort of nonsense, and demand peepz to serve him lunch, etc...n hor, he oso got mistress outside...

hmmm....tinking abt it, mi htb seems to be similar in some waes leh....will he become exactly like his dad??

btw, mi FMIL is hainanese....

 

[autumni76]

nolem, have you ever tot about 'feng shui' before?

not being superstitious.
But, feng shui does have some scientific theory in it.

it will help alter lots of things. Like - how to block undesirable people from living in your house.
how to have money rolling into your house etc.

I've just learnt during the CNY, that things like 'cannot put scissors and knives into same shelf' coz will cause lots of fightings/quarrels in the house.
My friend re-organise her drawer and after that, no more quarrels in the house.
(This one, she went to eh sembawang temple. Took bus 962 to go there).

I feel, while human must do their part, perhaps fate/deity/supernatural will help support abit here and there too.

 

[autumni76]

quite sure.

those chinese saying, sometimes do have their logic and history mah.
"got such father, got such son"
"tiger father won't have a doggy son"

like father like son.

but really, the father's upbringing plays a VERY big role in the child's life.

Could study how the in-laws were brought up.

xiaokeai, you're only 26?
So young! Why want to tie yourself down with someone who doesn't support you, who treats you like dirt?

Don't you think you deserve to be loved and pampered? Then only it'll be a joy to love that person back too.

 

[tomasulu]

ok the hypothesis concerning cantonese chicks is officially dead. along with pointing at the moon and peeing at ants.

like the chinese saying goes, for one to be a beater, someone has to be the beatee. it is really a round-about way of saying opposite attracts. your marriage works not because you are fierce, but because your husband is willing to accept his place/role in the family. it is of course ironic that you are advising nolem to resist her mum in law's treatment, while you behave similarly towards your husband and in laws. and the feng shui thingie, don't even get me started.

just saying.

 

[dizonne]

i've been having confrontations ova alot of issues this few daes wif him....

yesterday, his parents even gav mi e key to the new house...actuali i was pretty upset tat i didnt get any keys...not sure if he has aniting to do wif tis...

bt this few daes, he's been treating mi real nice...and i can tel that he doesnt want to lose me...bt then, im equally afraid tat he will go back to his old waes once i giv in to him....

real big headache sia...

 

[nolem]

I still cant get over the damn flower incident. It just keep reminding me how evil she is.

I could still vividly remember the sight of her excitement when she stood up from the chair. Her 'evil smile' on her face as she raise her arm to pin the flower, the feeling of her hand pressing my head over n over, the pain on my scalp as she keep pinning in and out of my hairdo, the longer than usual duration she took to get the flower on my head for abt 20-30 secs.

I cant convince myself of her explanations. That it was purely for auspicious sake, she keep using the black hair pins stuck in and out of my head cos she cant see clearly due to long-sightness and pressing my head cos i was too 'tall' and she cant reach. I am so upset now as i'm typing now. After the tea ceremony, my jie-meis who witnessed the scene, tried to comfort me telling that MIL jus jus a naive old woman who's jus overly superstitious.


I tried to brush that incident aside but it keep haunting me. What makes me more angry is after knowing that she tried to cover up her own misdeed. Nobody asked / confronted her abt the flower incident. It was her own guilty conscious that she went to initiate to approach hb to ask him to tell/explain to me all those reasons of hers. That was after she tells hb not to listen to wife that she brought up the flower incident. Still insisit no hidden agenda!

 

[nolem]

sunflower:
yes i do believe in fengshui. I even thought of finding a fortune teller to advise how to ward off 'undesirable' persons in my marriage. But i hv no contacts or recommendation.

 

[tomasulu]

master or uncle tomasulu. online consultation using home-made cards. 30-day money back guarantee.

pm now!

 

[lynyong]

hi, it's very common MIL behaved tis way to their DIL.

In their thinking, you stole their son. You stole the care, love, attention and etc.

Just imagine when someone stole your things, and how you behave, then you will be able to understand why they behave in this manner.

I have been staying with my MIL for 16 yrs. Not easy, I went thru' with tears and fears.

Be strong if you still care for your marriage. Everything has a solution, find it, try it and solve it like what i did.

 

[autumni76]

tomasulu,

i think, you got me wrong.
like i said before, all the little detais, only people involved will know.
tat's why, outsiders can only listen, give advise. The final decision still lies in the hands of people involved.

And no. It's not because i'm fierce. But my character is Stronger.
And because my HB woke up to realise the priorty he needs to work on.
Before that, i too shed lots of tears and angered.
With people who give unreasonable treatments, i find, this is one of teh best methods to curb.
I've tried other ways. Don't work, or take soooo long, then one minor mistake only, everything back to square one.

So, don't assume you know my matters well, just by reading from the surface word.

 

[nolem]

sunflower : after my encounter with MIL, it had gradually built my character stronger over the years. Even my frens whom are not aware of the incidents comment that they realised that i've changed.

I believe in this motto 'What doesnt kill me, makes me stronger'

 

[autumni76]

"'What doesnt kill me, makes me stronger'"

True.
Maybe, your MIL is sent by deity to strengthen your character. I mean, if looking at the whole thing in a positive light.

 

[crystal_cloud]

Hi nolem,

guess u are also in somewhat similar situation as me and flying star..

>> Basically, she is just like a dowager / tyrant of the family, even FIL scared of her. Hb tells me that everyone gives into her bcos anyone who does not obey her, she will become havoc and hell will break in the house. For the sake of peace, everyone give into her, not knowing that they are nurturing a bad habit.

haiz..no choice..she is his mom..have to accept..

 

[crystal_cloud]

my hb sms me this after reading this thread "u're pointing fingers at MIL, what hv u done. If nobody gives in, i'll be the one at losing end. Do u know i suffered as well? so can i assume u dun love me as well?" >>> i cannot imagine that u have really married an ASSHOLE!

even till this stage, he can still blame you and mistake you for 'blaming' his mom instead of 'stating out the facts'..
he can EVEN feel for his mom when reading such negative posts of his mom, standing up for her for sms-ing that crude msg to you!

it's not worth.. 5 years? 10 years? how long can u tolerate?!

i hope he is reading this!

 

[crystal_cloud]

mrs fong to be,

It was written in the Bible that when a man marrys a woman, he is to leave his family and cling to his wife. Man n wife form a family nucleus, both parents are out of this nucleus. Filial or not, if he cannot stand by you at all times, the marriage will only suffer (unless u r really long-suffering). It does sound like he is only interested in you gg thru bad times for him and not vice versa. >>>> bible has this chapter? they teaches this too? which chapter?

 

[nolem]

can someone provide me the Bible extract on the family nucleus concept? internet link would be helpful as well. i would like to show to my hb.

thanks

 

[jolinr]

Ladies,

I am not a pastor, nor am i a bible teacher
But i think the scripture doesn't imply in this way.
It is mentioned in Genesis that "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh"
The scripture implies that once man reaches his marriage age, he is to marry a woman and form a nucleas family with the woman that he married, but it doens't mean that they really have to physically move from their parents or so.
Then how about those christians who stay with their parents? are they against the teaching from bible then? No, right?

You got to read the whole text, can not "duan zhang qu yi".