I gave up on our 3 mths of marriage

[shirleypoise]

Haven been into this thread for some time and is surprised that my post was misunderstood.

Just wanna clarify my post on 20/3/09 that when I say " a man is to leave his family and cling to his wife" I did not say that he has to leave his parents physically. The Bible def din teach that.

 

[sadistger]

This thread is so busy! I'm stuck in my marriage, duno to move on or leave! My PILs sux! & my hubby nv spare a thot 4 me!

 

[texasholdem]

if your PILs sux, what are you going to do about them? kill them then

 

[bellethel]

Alvin,
That's mean to say that but I like it.Muahaha... If I can, n no conscious prick, I'd hope my MIL is dead man. Because of her my marriage sucks.

Angel,
We are in e same shoes. My hubby expects me to love his unreasonable mother. Now on e verge of divorce cos of third party, it should be a relief but moving on hurts.

 

[natasha22]

the child will always be the extension of the parents.. be a good example so that the child will look upon you too. and never lose hope..sometimes we became to anxious that we lose hope.. unlike Susan boyle this new sensation on the internet..btw they have this contest on her giving free face spa http://sg.88db.com/sg/Discussion/Discussion_reply.page/88DB_Interact/?DiscID=37309
its a marriage anyways u should work things out..and remember if u fall ..stand up again..both parties in the marriage are always fallible....

 

[60secs]

the child will always be the extension of the parents.. be a good example so that the child will look upon you too. and never lose hope..sometimes we became to anxious that we lose hope.. unlike Susan boyle this new sensation on the internet..btw they have this contest on her giving free face spa http://i_want_to_infect_your_PC_with_virus.com
its a marriage anyways u should work things out..and remember if u fall ..stand up again..both parties in the marriage are always fallible....

 

[alcifertoh]

If that happens, just go for a spa.

 

[bellethel]

Damn lame to see the spa advertisment everywhere.

SIgh, kids. Poor innocent victims to the acts of their irresponsible parents like me. Ppl like me who wished to have a second chance in life than to go back to unhappiness.

 

[sadistger]

its diffi to maintain a r/s if only 1 party try hard...
i tink i tired v hard... but my hubby nv feels he is in the wrong or put in enuff effort...im sick of it...

 

[liping08]

Hi Nolem,

Having a marriage is going into another phase of your life. This phase of life is not going to be easy unless you put in some effort into 'managing' it. The reason why both of u got married is because u love one another, deeply. ALWAYS remember this crucial point.

From my point of view, your MIL acts, etc the red flower during tea ceremony, is total NONSENSE. Since she feel that tt stupid flower can make her DIL listen to her, let her be. I believe u should noe tt her tricks will not work on u, so, dun get affected by her acts of stupidity. Yes, her intention of doing such a thing is not pardonable, but her itention has also reflected how naive and lame she is.

Secondly, your hubby has already taken the step of moving out regardless of wad your MIL does. This is something which you should appreciate and cherish. Moving out is the best option for your marriage, but making the decision is not easy as well because he is sandwiched btween the two most important woman in his life. Hence, if he ever ask u to visit ur PIL wif him, just go along with him for his sake. Show him that for the sake of the relationship, u r willing sacrifice abit of ur pride to go back n visit ur in-laws.

Well, dun lose hope so easily..Things will turn for the better. Just cheer up, stay positive and love your hubby even more than yesterday!

Good luck!

 

[bellethel]

Hipohipi,
From ur colleagues story, I kinda feel on my own marriage. But I dunno how good is good enough anymore. We visit our PILs every weekend. But every wk my MIL got her nonsense to her baby. Even to the extend of causing my baby sick a few times le. My MIL is really difficult, I tried to give in, n she humiliate me in e public to the relatives. She knows that in the house she does that, my hubby hears it, she kanna. So she does it during family gathering, when my hubby toks to his cousins etc, she'd tell e relatives how I "mistreat" my hubby which wasnt true and the relatives all came and say me. I think they viewed me as a very bad wife and DIL.

Sometimes I think yah, she only left with few yrs, juz bear with it. But the defensive side of me will remind me, wat if she outlived me?

The family always like to tell me, U know in ancient times, the DIL have to abide to everything the PILs do. But I wanna rebuke, in e past, the DIL stays home n serve the PILs which I already did by helping them with e housework last time even when I was pregnant. And I had to go out n work. And my MIL expects me to give her allowances from my work. This doesnt apply in e past. The past DILs nv had to go out n work. And in the past the PILs will nv expect the DIL to go for abortion becos they worried that hubby's side of financial will not be as free as possible for them anymore.

 

[nolem]

It's been our third week since we moved out. So far life have been a breeze which i never experienced such freedom and totally stress-free life with my hubby since the day we been together. No more phone calls to hurry us home, no more interrogation of our outside activities etc.

Of course, MIL saga does not end so fast and easy i guess and u bet! Given MIL being her usual self of creating obstacles for us, problems does not stop here. Guess what, she went to find a property agent to search for a resale unit at her block. She told my hb to rent out our new condo (which we barely stayed a month). She says since we die die hv to move out (and we did) then she will find a unit of CLOSE proximity to her hse and wants us to move back. Hb ignored totally. I think he is sick of her nonsense as well ba. When FIL told me abt it, i replied that it was our initial intention 2 yrs ago to buy a resale unit of walking distance, it was MIL who object and insist we stay under same roof. Now then MIL sings praises of staying closeby, says if dun stay together, then stay close is good bla bla bla... Oh well, MIL sure does know how to sway her words according to direction of the wind i.e. whichever is to her own advantage and liking.

Then hb had been going back for dinner for past 3 weeks, once a week. When it happens, i go back to my mum's place visit my pets or had frens dinner appt. I am sure that MIL sure gossip and criticize me that i intentionally not want to visit her. Well, i guess since hb didnt confront me abt it, i also dun care what she says or feel. Anyway i told hb that if she asked, jus tell MIL that he himself also didnt accompany me to my maiden hse, so its fair, not as if he goes home with me but i dont. I guess after so much unhappiness with MIL, hubby knows its better for me and MIL not to meet when not necessary. He shld know my tolerace against MIL had met the ceiling.

Anyway, i feel, if MIL comes out with her nonsense or confront me or calls my mother to scold (over her not happy of me not going back to visit her). I guess then i shall not hold back anymore, just bluntly rebut her that and if we really quarrel and "1Si 4Po 3Lian" then it might be better? i will tell her at her face that if she keep finding trouble, then in future she will not even dream of staying with me ever (if FIL pass away). If she continues to be such tyrant i will not welcome her to my house.


Then suddenly i had this idea. When hb goes her hse for dinner, i will keep calling hb on his mobile and ask him what time he coming home and tell him to purposely say 'i am downstairs waiting for cab already' infront of MIL. Then that MIL sure bark at him and complain why i keep chasing and hurrying hb to go home, sure say i am petty over hb visiting own mother etc etc. Then hb can tell her "Isnt this wat u had been doing all the years i was dating? Calling me non-stop and such? Now i know how it feels to be affected by such behaviour". But of couse, hb must be co-operative to do this act. Only then will MIL gets a taste of her own medicin. But i guess hb will not want to educate his mum like that, he will feel MIL might end up yelling at him for being rude.. well well.... Till when will MIL wake up her idea???

 

[nolem]

ytd noon my PIL came over cos they fetch my hb home. Then my parents were also here at my place. MIL made a comment... "Just now my frens n neighbours saw (hb), they said he lost weight, asked if i heart pain or not".

At the first instance, i knew that comment was meant for me to hear, to indirectly say that i had somewhat caused my hb to suffer and that's why he lost weight? The look on the face of MIL, she seems proud that her prediction that her son will suffer bcos of eating her home-cooked food was 'true'.....

Then i thought, hb isnt looking skinny or till all bones, what's the 'Heart pain or not" all about? This phrase sounded as if my hb became under-weight. My hb is of a muscular frame and now he is just become more lean. If is not as if he is now all bones which can make a mother feel 'heart-pain'.... Then way MIL continues that not only the neighbours had made that observation, even SIL also comments that hb had lost weight, bla bla bla. It sounded as if my hb became under-weight and mal-nutrition under my care. Lucky thing is i do cook dinner almost everyday. So MIL got no more arguements, else she sure will say hb lost weight cos eat unhealthy food outside.

After she left, i feedback to hb that if she always want to make such scarcastic and not meaningful remarks, i do not welcome her to my hse! Then hb says he did told her that previously he had put on some weight and he was an intentional diet to loose those excess 3kg or so. e is now back to ideal weight.

Anyway, i ignore MIL totally during the time she was at my hse, i jus sat with my family at the hall while PIL and hb talked at the dining table. I saw her glanced at me few times, peeping, i know she feels that i am treating 'transparent' and will soon phone hb to complain abt my 'attitude'. Then last nite, i told hb that if she really does comment abt me not talking to her, then ask her why did she start with those scarcastic remarks then?

 

[questy]

Hi nolem,
I think u can rest the case since ur hubby is already on ur side. U can stop all the remarks abt his mum since u r treating her as transparent. If u kept on commenting abt ur mil with ur hubby, he's really getting the same shit from his mum and wife. U hv more loving words to say to ur hubby rgt???

I envy u to hv a hubby who is brave to defend u. Just be gracious and start ur wonderful life in peace. Be a nice wife to ur hubby to show ur gratitude for his effort for giving him some peace, he dun need another 'mother' rgt?

I knw it's difficult, but dun act on every word ur monster-in-law said, cos u'll be falling into her trap. Just treat her as a stupid and no-mannered-mad woman, dun need to lower ur status to jump at her stupid comments.....

Wishing u a wonderful life.....

 

[clipperjunk]

that's right, keep the gripes about the mil to a minimum...though you may be justified, too much whining about his mother can be off putting to him and slowly turn the tide against you..you now have a good thing going, don't screw it...best wishes..

 

[nolem]

yes, but sometimes hearing such nasty remarks make me angry and unhappy. I need to feedback to hb before MIL comes after him to complain abt me. Then he will be able to see the picture and knows i am the victim, instead of believing his mother's complains abt me. He has to know his mother is not right before MIL brain-washes him.

 

[questy]

Ur hubby already knw u are suffering thus he's willing to move out with u, men are not very stupid, they have eyes to see. Show ur hubby u are more "Da Fang", complaining to ur hubby will only prove that u are as shallow as ur MIL.

Just tell ur hubby not to tell u anything ur mil said cos u are not interested to knw at all. He can choose to listen to his mother, but he's intelligent to choose what to believe or digression to see for himself. Only talk abt mil if he wants any clarifications.

Pls treasure ur hubby, at least he has the guts to stand against his mum, and appreciate him dearly by giving him some peace....

We must all learn to be blind, deaf and mute....... "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil".......

 

[jugem]

nolem,

I really salute you! So patience la!!!

 

[jinnous]

Whoa.....I just managed to flipped thru the whole thread. My heart goes out to u nolem for going thru that.

I'm lucky that my hubby and I got our own flat when we got married. That time my hubby told me his mum said even if we can be very "sui-he", there will also be conflicts if we stayed together.

My SIL was a little "unfortunate".... My mum can be overbearing sometimes but my bro loves my SIL more. And knows how to handle my mum. Sometimes my mum complains to me bout my SIL but I always stand on my SIL's side (NVM, she packed up EVERYTHING in my wardrobe for me to bring back to my new hse 3 days after my wedding, nothing was left over, not even a tee. My room was converted immediately to my nephew's room).

Funny I talked to my SIL more than I talked to my own bro. And I'm heartened that things have become a little easier between them though there has been some instances when it comes to my 2 little nephews. My pa is still around so things are not so bad....

Chinese customs suck....keke....especially those customs which seeked to belittle DILs. My mum did something too...keke....I also told her off... haha.... when I got married, my mum also told me that I must step on my hubby's foot so that he will listen to me.....haha.... God knows who came out with all these stupid customs.....

 

[little_ms_naughty]

after reading the thread, my heart goes out to nolem too..

My MIL is also a difficult person. I'm not sure if all MIL(s) nowa days are like that..

Here is my story:

our ROM was last year & it was totally spoilt by MIL.. Her face, was black, throughout the whole ceremony & nobody knows what happened @ all.. No one had provoked her @ all..

The minute she stepped into the restaurant where the ROM was held, her face changed.. She had this i-not-happy face out of a sudden..

And now, all my pics are destroyed because everyone else was smiling except her.. I got a shock when i collected my ROM pics after getting ot developed... It was, i would say, a disaster!!!!

No one could tell me or explain why her sudden change of attitude...

Then last week, i found out, over a casual chat with him, that MIL was actually unhappy that my parents were the ones welcoming the guest @ the enterance..

I cannot understand, whats the big deal of my parents welcoming the guests since MIL was late..

Almost all the guest has arrived & even the JP arrived before us..

I was @ the bridal studio dressing up & dolling up.. Then hubby told me that we had to go fetch his mum & god-ma from his god-ma house in chinatown, before headiing to the restaurant, which was also in chinatown, because the old folks don't know the way there.

So, after dolling up @ the BS located in Tanjong Pagar, we WALKED to Chinatown...

The sun was burning hot, & i could feel my makeup melting.. Plus, i was in heels.. Though not very high heels, but imagine having to wear a ROM dress (mine is evening gown) & walking from TP to Chinatown under the sun @ 2+pm in the afternoon..

No joke ok!! I tell u.. Its no joke lor.. By the time, i got there, i was sweating like mad..

As if that waas not bad enough..

MIL had to give the i-not-happy face when my mom approached her to invite her to sit over @ the main table.. i think she intentionally sat over @ the other table.

And know what?? She ignored my mom!!! My mom walked over & asked my hb to bring her over instead, & in the end, she came, with that black face..

Anyway, hb finally told me last week that she was unhappy thst my parents were the ones welcoming the guests, when she was supposed to be the one doing so!!!

She say its like machiam my hubby marry into our family like that..

I mean, whats the diff?? Why can't my parents welcome the guests since they were already there???

Like i've mentioned. Everyone else was there already & they were already there, waiting for our arrival.

Then, eversince then, she started picking more on me.. Like when i permed my hair, she said i was untidy... Then, when i rebonded my hair end of last year, she say i like to waste $$..

Ladt week, she birthday+mother's day lunch with her @ Mahatten Fish Market.. I tried smiling & talking to her. But, i either got least response, or none @ all..

We went to the toilet together, & i held the door for her. I even prompted her the next available cubicle, while i waited for the next one..

Then, i had to head home coz my sister was hospitalised, & just discharged on that day & i wanted to pay her a visit.

I went home happily, only to find out later from hb that MIL commented that i had no manners!!

I asked hb what did i do wrong again this time round, & his reply was:

you didn't wish her happy birthday..

Seriously, i really don't know how & what i can do, to please her..

I cried myself to sleep that night, & my youngest sis was so shocked to see me cry out of a sudden..

The biggest problem now is, after our customary next yr, i had to move into his home while waiting for our own home, which will be ready in another 3 yrs or so..

My hb is now sleeping in the living room.. His brother sleeps in one, & uses the other to store all his comics, toys..

He told me few days back that he will be bringing MIL to stay with us after our flat is ready..

His brother, doesn't work @ all..

I don't know just how long more i can hold on..

I'm still holding on now becoz i love hb so much..

I will try my best to accomodate/tolerate all the nonsense that is coming from MIL & his brother..

But i really don't know when i'll burst..

 

[flyingstar]

wow, that's a long post!

I'm quite surprised that your MIL is behaving like this towards you. Was she like this before you married your hb?

I think for your customary, make sure your MIL reaches the venue early enough to welcome all the guests...I think in a way your MIL was not happy that she was one of the last to arrive, and have to leave all the welcoming of guests to your mom...like very "no face" as a host.

In the first place maybe your hb should have known and arranged transport for MIL to go over to the ROM venue first, while you doll up at your BS. Then at least she won't be late and face black. But this should have been settled by your hb also...unfortunately he did not anticipate. You wouldn't have known that your MIL is so particular about such things. Btw, did he say anything about your ROM photos?

Have you attended marriage preparation course with your hb? maybe it's time you both do so. At least it gives you a chance to talk things through with your husband, in a course setting...and it will not seem like you are whining to your hb.

That's my point of view, but it's up to you to think of the solution. Think of the solution to this problem, rather than just dwell and keep thinking you got to tolerate. We are all humans here, and I believe you also have a limit. Tolerating is a solution, but is it the best way out? You decide.

 

[little_ms_naughty]

flying star:

before our ROM, i already knew that she was very naggy & unappreciative, as in when i buy her gifts on occassions like mother's day, x'mas & her birthday, she'll always comment things like eee i dun like to eat this, eee this one not nice, this & that..

But i thought all elders will say they don't like this dun like that but deep in the heart, she very happy one.. But i guess i was wrong..

As for the ROM transport thingy, we have overlooked on that part coz we were so busy preparing this, arranging that.. So we kinda missed out on that..

Actually his godma knows the way there. But becoz he was afraid that she might lose her way or what (fyi, his godma is like 70 yrs old, but very healthy) so he suggested to go over to pick them up since it was on the way by cab..

But we realised that there were 6 of us, (myself hb, a close cousin of mine, MIL, his godma & his mum's sister who came all the way from malaysia to attend the ROM.

So taking cab is out of the question.

When MIL saw me, the first thing she said was:your ROM dress so ugly.. Then she looked @ hb & asked him y he choose a mandarin collar suit??

then hb told her that he wanted to go with my mandarin collar dress. then she just kept quiet..

abt the photos, hb also agree that that its not nice due to his mum's i-not-happy-face.

We've already arranged for pre-martital couselling which is scheduled to start next jan..

hb himself knows that MIL is making things difficult for me & he even thanked me for being so tolerant..

He told me:

i know its hard on you to be on the same frequency with my mom.. But if you believe & press on, you'll see light one day...

seriously, i hope the day comes soon, coz other than tolerating, i really dunno what i can do to please her.. i'm at my wits end..

i think i've already done whatever i can, & avoid doing whatever that might piss her off.. i've squeezed dry my brain juice to think of ways & means..

its a nightmare meeting her, coz i won't know what remarks will i get again each time i go over..

i always believe that its never a one way thing if the r/s needs to be improved between us.. If she doesn't bother to put in efforts in improving things, we'll get nowhere..

2 years down the road, nothing is going to change..

The only thing i can do?? Tolerate & cut down seeing her so often..

even so, she can ask hb why i so rude. so long nvr visit her..

 

[crystal_cloud]

hahaha littlemsnaughty,
i was like you couple of months back and now both my htb and i have given up.

we both felt out of sight, out of mind..on mother's day, we did buy her gift..but mine was worse lo...just that i have learn to ignore..

xi guan cheng zi ran..realy not gona let her bother me..so likewise for you..just ignore it..until the day u have to meet her again then think about her..if not, pls dun let her face fill up in your head during work or leisure hours!!

life is short!!

 

[crystal_cloud]

And now, all my pics are destroyed because everyone else was smiling except her >>>>>>>>>>>>

my htb did comment on this on our upcoming actual day wedding..i jus told him, never mind lah,, if videographer capture, can always 'cut' it off, if photographer capture ,then dun develope lo.

y so bother about it? u cannot make her smile ma..BUT u can ignore the pix and just make way to diminish that thought...emmm worse to worse, just despise for awhile and forget!!

 

[crystal_cloud]

The biggest problem now is, after our customary next yr, i had to move into his home while waiting for our own home, which will be ready in another 3 yrs or so..
>>>>>> guess wat, this also happen to us one year ago..like as bad as your incident on wat has happened between your r/s with your mil and i.. to make things worse, while we are preparing for actual day customary, she even tell us over a dinner we intitated to talk about marriage, that she wans us to rent a room rather than stay in her house..all thse my htb and i also accept ..it was amazing how we walked down the rough patch..until now.


as for photos she appear to be unhappy during your rom, just ignore it...
my htb was also worrying about this..one day as he was driving, he said in worried face wat if his mom showed a black face through out tea ceremony and banquet..i said, well lets ignore it..coz it's our big day, it's never gona be reversible again...so , if realli captured her black face by photographer, i will NOT develope those pix...mayb develope and pass her. but i wlil not place in my album, as for videographer, if capture her black face, i will 'cut' it away..haha

htb also agree..well we cannot control her black face, but we can deal with the aftermath..emmm at least for our little console..

 

[jinnous]

I think it's how the son handle his mum bah?

My bro tells off my mum sometimes (cuz she can get quite "wu li qu nao" sometimes). I'm not saying your HTBs should scold their mums but probably try talking to her? It helps if you have support from your HTB's family. My mum listens to my bro. Even my hubby says my bro is like the "head" of the family.

I'm contented that my bro and SIL stay together with our parents and when they move, they will bring my parents along with them. I know my SIL longs to have her own home....... its every woman's dream...well, I know it's mine.

 

[little_ms_naughty]

pinkcloud:

i need to master that i-don't care skill man.. The only thing i can think of, is avoid seeing her as much as i can to minimise the conflicts or whatever you call it..

can siam jiu siam... haha!! but birthday+mothers day, no reason to siam!!

like my hubby says, as long as i hang on & persist, we'll see light..

so we can only hope to see that light soon..

little poppets:

talking to her doesn not seem to help.. lao ren jia you zi ji de yi tao xiang fa.. so no use lah.. she doesn't think what she does is hurtful...

take for example, hb wanted to cut his hair a few days back.. but dunno why his mum told him not to cut this week, & he really didn't cut, just to please her lor..

been telling hb that his hair already quite long & its time to get it trimmed the next day.. he even asked me what kind of hairstyle do i think suit him coz we wanted a brand new hairstyle..

told him a few styles, but in the end he decided not to cut his hair, just to please his mum..

so do u think that talking to her will make any difference??

i think just let it be bah.. i can only siam siam siam lor..

thats the best i can do!!

 

[jinnous]

Hmmm.....just find it weird lor. I mean there is to a certain extent that you listen to your mum. And cutting hair is such a minor thing leh. It's your lives lor. No doubt his mum gave birth to your HTB, but having to listen to his mum on minuete things just smack like mummy's boy leh.

No offense leh. I listen to my mum but only to an extent leh. My mum super old-fashioned type. But I dyed my hair, pierced 5 ear-holes and wear low-cut tops to weddings lor. I'm only left wif tattoo and belly piercing... haha.... she's always nagging when she sees me like tat, and trust me some of the words aren't nice to hear.

Shouldn't your guy be more firm? It's his future we are talking about lor.

 

[little_ms_naughty]

little poppets:

i think hb just wants her to stop nagging & nagging..

the other time, hb also wanted to cut his hair like a few days b4 we went to KL, his mum told him not to cut in s'pore.. go KL cut cheaper. so, there he goes.. he went KL cut..

the mum can nagg whole day long.. really..

you know, last week, we went for manhatten fish market for lunch to celebrate her bday cum mother's day..

after we finished the meal, she needed to wash her hand..

then she lamented why there isn't any basin for hand wash in the restaurant.. she say:

now even kopithiam also have basin liao.. they should also install a hand wash basin here..

i looked @ hb, he looked @ me.. speechless..

 

[jinnous]

Haha.....

Probably u guys shd say restaurant mah, reastaurant very clean one not like kopitiam mah.

But again it depends lah. I have nvr met your HTB's mum so I dunno. But we know how to handle my mum. Even my hubby oso. I tell him he go anywhere, so long he buys milk and white chocolates for my mum she happy liao. Maybe u guys try to understand and work from there?

 

[little_ms_naughty]

thats y i say, can siam jiu siam..

less meeting, less conflict..

I'm still trying to master the skill of handling her.. wish me luck ok..

 

[jinnous]

The art of handling old ppl is to humour them. Like my mum likes to be "po-lo-so"....

Good luck gal!

 

[crystal_cloud]

littlemsnaughty

i need to master that i-don't care skill man
>> it's hard now since you have just encountered the nonsense. i was too as ranting as you on forums when i just received her attitute a year ago..it lasted a year till now..(still on going)
but im all exhausted liao..after you have rant out in forums for some months, u will feel immuned to all nonsense, gradually your mind learns to accept wat has happened or wat revolves around you...and gradually you will feel better and able to stop thinking of her! it's true..give yourself some time...accept the situation.

becoz the mom used to behave like your mil, always create another new issue on meeting up, (like your issue on you din greet her happy birthday even though it's evident u have put in great efforts), it has added alot of stress on me.. i was falling into depression and gone to a GP for medicine..when the GP asked me wat is the problem troubling me, i even teared while relating..i cannot control, i feel unfair, sad, stress, ruined in rs and angry..it's a mixture of feelings...the doc advised me to let go and frens also took great efforts to console me , to forget about her, to instill the words into me "out of sight, out of mind" and gradually i recovered.
Just dun let it bother you..you never know when you wil be seeping into depression...

If you think about her, you feel unhappy, you feel unhappy, you will not be as lively and bubbly when u meet your husband, and then any little thing can become sensitive, tones exchanged mayb less enthusiastic and gradually it will ruin your r/s before you can see light!

just let me tell you, there is no reason y you like someone, there is no reason y you hated someone...when u hated someone, any reason CAN be a reason to justify it...so dun bother y she dun like you!
like my hubby says, as long as i hang on & persist, we'll see light>>>>>>>>>>
that's wat my hhtb said before too...
to be honest, his mom also gave us quite alot of stress on our r/s..we have some quarels on her issues too...and it's really bad i remembered. like u, i will cry myself to sleep ...my family is aware of wats going on as i told them about it. all i wana say is, along the way of accomodating nonsense or watever stuffs from your mil, dont let it ruin your r.s...it's just not worth it.
like mine, we quarel for months on and off whenever we talk about his mom...though he is supportive of me, at times, i cant help but rant to him on his mom's nonsense and it led us to arguments.... graudally , like now, i stopped talking about his mom..coz we both dont wana let her ruin our r.s or our mood.
we only talk about her, when there is a dinner that day, intiated by his dad...or there is an occasion like mother's day coming..even so, we only exchanged short sentences of wat to get for her...bascially it's just external relations with her from me and my htb..we dun go anything further to inner emotions with her...she likes people to respect her, fine, we buy her gift on mother's day... but to be honesst, even my htb dun feel close to his mom...how will i , an external party feel close to her? my htb detest her quite a bit...as he always mention that his mom is not motherly at all..compared to other people's mom he has seen (his dad carries the roles of his mom like housework, calling kids to go home for dinner, wash dish, bring income back etc)

 

[crystal_cloud]

anyway, dun let her affect your mood.

u think of her> u emotional/ dampen mood> become not as happy> appear not happy, not as bubbly as before > tone also die down> sensitive in mind> any discussion can easily spur up into an argument between u and your hubby....

definitely not worth it.

she might be feeling sore on losin a son and keeping herself on guard..it always happen.

just take a step back and relax...

tell youself, dun expect anything from her, dun expect any good gestures from her, dun expect her to be thankful to you for any thing u do to her.

when u dun expect, u wun be dissappointed.

u know wat? i always pray to god to be with me during every occasion if im meeting with her...i always pray to keep my mind calm, strong and peaceful and let the occasion run thru smoothly without any nonsense from her. it always work

 

[little_ms_naughty]

pink cloud:

thanks for the advices.. (=

the only difference here between ur hub & my hub is, my hb grew up in a single parent family.. i think this adds to the reason y she is like that now..

Another thing is, we actually seldom quarrel.. But when we do, its always the mom that cause the quarrel..

i remember, we started having heated arguements barely 2 months after the ROM, & we even thought of divorce or annulling the ROM, whatever you call it..

i think i'll have to live with his mum, for as long as i live.. so, i just need to get used to it & turn a deaf ear on her naggings..

Initially, we already agreed to rent a room after marriage.. But my dad went & asked him about after marriage plans, dad actually ruined everything that we've planned for ourselves..

he said renting a room was not cheap, & suggested that we shd just stay @ hb home to try out first.. If cannot, then move out lor..

i don't understand this theory actually.. why did my dad suggest such a stupid move?? but i know dad had meant good.. he even wanted to help us renovate the room for us, like how he renovated my BIL room for the wedding..

i relented & told him i could stay @ his home first to try out..

Now hb is trying to instill the thot of having to bring his mom & a useless brother (pardon me to call his bro useless, becoz he is a able bodied person, yet very lazy to work, & all he does is staying @ home & playing computer games) over to stay with us when the new flat is ready..

then i thought to myself, then y did we need to apply for the house in the first place?? why waste $$..?? might as well stay @ his current home right?? why all the hassle??

what happens if baby is on the way?? the brother takes one room.. the mum takes another.. we take the main room, & where is the baby going to sleep then???

there are so many uncertainties & questions running thru my mind right now.. i'm quite vexed up, coz he told me that he didn't want to be unfilial son, leaving the mom @ home..

if staying away from mum=unfilial, there are zillions of people out there who are unfilial liao lor..

anyway, i haven't agreed to this, & i think i'll never agree to it..

i'm not being bad.. but.. i think we need some personal space..

we can always go back for dinner as & when we want & can.. thats the best i can do..

i will nvr give in on the mum moving in with us...

 

[crystal_cloud]

Initially, we already agreed to rent a room after marriage.. But my dad went & asked him about after marriage plans, dad actually ruined everything that we've planned for ourselves..

he said renting a room was not cheap, & suggested that we shd just stay @ hb home to try out first.. If cannot, then move out lor..

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> emm this is wat im doing now, renting a room after marriage..already source a room already..intially my htb was abit 50-50 on renting and staying with his mom while our house is ready..but his mom suggested in pissed tone to us..so we accepted..i told my mom about it too..and of coz my mom is sad..sad that her daughter like "kena chased out of house" ..old people always have such thinking..and hence your dad might have same sentiments too..he dun wan to see his own daughter spending extra money renting a room.

but we are the people involved..so we know best the situation...sometimes, living together will create more misunderstandings, let alone now already have some...so we young couples, alway turn to the easiest way, ie..stay separately (aka avoid) thru renting room/ buying own house.

1) your hubby must stand on same side as you..
2) you 2 must come to compromise, even before u rom..but now is too late. so wat u can do is realli have to face your husband and talk things out
3) worse to worse, stay in SAME BLOCK, but not SAME UNIT...it makes a hell lot of diff. i feel this is the best way.

 

[little_ms_naughty]

actually we talked abt the renting of room before the ROM & agreed upon already.. But since we're still staying apart from each other, (some couples stays together once ROM-ed like my cousin & a friend of mine)we decided that we shd start looking for rooms like 1 or 2 mths before our customary..

we've already applied a flat in punggol & is waiting for HDB to reply to us..

hope we get some good news..

 

[flyingstar]

pink_cloud, when u rent your room, who will be your flat mates?

i'm trying to "persuade" my bf to rent a place to stay after wedding also. but he is adamant that renting is waste money, even if rent must rent whole unit, cannot just rent 1 room, because he don't want to stay with any other people.

littlemsnaughty, i think u should tell your hb that his mom still has his brother, so she's not alone totally and your hb is not unfilial. not as if his mom is all alone right? and since you and hb can afford, getting another flat is good what, 2 person per flat rather than 4 person squeeze into 1 unit.

try to use logic to reason out with your hb...guys are always logical...learnt that from mars and venus book...haha. so use that to talk to him.

and also, maybe bring forward your pre-marital counselling...me and my bf intend to do it later half of this year...and our wedding is only going to be end next year. but i thought of going through the course earlier...so that I have enough time to prepare myself for the marriage...mentally and emotionally especially.

i still feel that there are a thousand things i need to thrash out with my bf. Haha. and also handling in-law relationships...his mom is okay (for now) because I know how to handle her, but it's his Bro and SIL that's really frustrating me. so i hope going for the course can make me "see open" also la.

 

[crystal_cloud]

HIHI FLYINGSTAR,
y do you wana rent a room? having same problem as me?

if not i feel renting room also kinda waste money..mine is normal room with aircon, 600 ..but i have checked market it's around this price...somemore for 2 pax is considered reasonable already.

mine has the tenant and her husband..both around 40 years old, no kids..so only 4 of us..quite ok lah, anyway only temporary until my house ready..stil can grit my teeth and hang on lah..not that bad...at most hide in room lo

personally feel renting whole unit is of coz a number one choice but have to see our own financial capabilities and other commitments lo..wedding already so much costs, really dont have much to fork out...stil must buy wedding bed...another exp..

actually my guy is quite nice in the sense that he understands renting room is ex and not 'worth'. and he rather pay the small token to my family for staying over rather than renting..so actually initially he dont mind staying with me and my family for time being..just that when we discussed, we realised it's not very nice to break the news to his folks that he is staying at my house and after marriage also stay in my house..worried another 'typhoon' will occur after his mom know...he insists on speaking the truth if his folks asked where we renting and i insist on telling a white lie..in thge end, think better not lo..anyway also not nice for me to appear in my house after my wedding...

we have decided last resort if anythin happens between us and landlord then we will move to my house lo..

 

[green_tranquility]

Flying_star,
I think renting a place is worth the $$ because it prevents us from having conflicts with inlaw side when all stay in the same house. Hehe maybe you can tell your hubby that the $$ will buy him peace, help him avoid being stuck between wife and mother As the inlaws' house belong to inlaws afterall, they have the right to expect us to follow their house rules/living habits. With a more amiable relationship with our hubbies' family, our relationship with hubbies will also be more blissful.

Pink,
My room is $600 with no aircon leh. You are getting a better deal than me Trust me, the amount of conflicts will reduce once the wedding is over. Just persever for a few more months gal! I'm glad to see you more kan kai and less troubled now

 

[crystal_cloud]

hehe green, coz mayb it has been such a long time..since you seen my posts a year ago till now..

this morning my htb stil tell me he feel not blessed in marriage and he felt she is controlling our happiness in the sense that she did not participate in wedding prep and when he asked her how many frens she inviting so we can tidy up the guest list, she said, she has no frens..

other than that, my guy also said, he felt she did not relate our wedding dates to her side of relatives..so like no one is well informed kinda.
he looked abit sulky..so i told him, we can always call them and inform..anyway it's also a form of respect..and i told him again, never be affected by her actions or watever...i dun wan us to be sulky over her...no matter wat, the areas she did not covered for her role, i will make sure we overcome it.

he said, he wana be on good terms back to her..try to reconcile..coz he cannot bring himself to talk to her..said, in a sense he is also avoiding..like see her face also noting to say...and also, he fear if he say someting wrong, will spur up her anger and will end up quareling in house again and blow it big (again)

i asked y he wana reconcile..he said he wana ask her about the si dian jin for me..i said no need...if she wans to give she give, dun wan i also dun even wana talk about it..he said he felt it's not fair to me..i said, for wat? since wana ask then have ...or even ask also dun have? wat for i want...i told him, this is only to show a token of appreciation to DIL..if not, i also dun wana take already constantly hear her talk about how she spend money on me and yet i blah blah blah...heard from my guy's sis in law, she only gave her a very very thin bracelet worth about 150..

anyway, i really not eyeing on the thought at all manz..i tell myself, i always have my aunties and mom's blessings and who knows i will also have some jewellery from my own relatives...wat for i eye on her miserable token

wat i ought to do, i will..like on mother's day, i insist on buying a gift for her, and during dinner time, i asked my guy to pass to her, not me..i dun wan her to feel im trying to saka to her infront of her son..

i duno to be angry or to be happy she is not inviting..anyway i remembered i only said "har, ok lo" to my guy..i did not even probe further..

cant be bothered..really

no use to argue or debate or talk sense or to ask why..just let her have her way, watever she wants, so long as she is not living with me in my flat can liao..hehe

im also surprised to see myself geting more use to her now..like her presense, her black face, her attitute, her non-spoken words shown on her face. immuned liao

on the other hand i thought that if i reali bother about it, then the episode will never end...now at least it can end at my end...out of sight out of mind..that's wat one of my fren instill in me.
and i felt it really makes sense.

really exhausted and feel it's really not worth my attention or emotions on her..i will just act a smiley face and immune face infront of her nowadays during dinner..many times, my face is 'normal' and 'no expressions'..just eat and go

emm for room me and htb are both abit regretful on geting the room without toilet attached..feel abit uneasy..luckily stil got aircon..we will never make do without aircon..

green, so u also rented a room ah? when your house ready har?

 

[green_tranquility]

Hdb has started my flat's construction, so it'll probably be ready by 3 years.

My hb and I feel happy with each other in our marriage and in oyr rented room so far hehe.

 

[flyingstar]

green and pink_cloud...

Yes!! thinking of renting a room to buy my peace, because I can foresee there will be more problems in time to come. A lot of issues with my bf's mom, and the bro and SIL family...

Basically they treat the house like a storeroom for their kids...they have like 7 cars/motorcycles for the sons and the toys for is 2 large heaps on the floor. Then they have moved out of the house 2 years ago but they continue to buy things and put at the house. Best thing is that they have their own flat already but they did not move in, they stay at somewhere else. Their stuffs are still in the original place when they got married.

And most likely they will still continue to be like that la, and then sometimes when those children are here, they mess up the whole house and cause my bf's mom to nag and nag...at me and my bf.

So I rather move out...anyway his mom sometimes nice to me, sometimes not so...she likes to criticise me de...once while eating dinner with my bf and his younger bro...i was talking to his younger bro also got scolded by her lo...say that i should not talk when eating. When she eats she can talk lo, I eat i cannot talk. Don't make sense right...

then also like to harp on the fact that i dunno how to speak her dialect...say my mom never teach me la...blah blah...she even told my mom that when they met up for the 1st time! luckily, my mom does not take offense to her words and even talk to her nicely.

i know everything i do will be subjected to her scrutiny la, but the best is she always "say" me, but when my bf's SIL does the exact same thing, she doesn't "say" her one. Happened so many times...sometimes she not happy she will still blame it on me and my bf..even simple things like when the SIL take the waterbottle and never put it back, she will scold my bf and me for not putting it back...but we never even see it!

Her bias-ness is very obvious, most of the time i feel like a 2nd class PR at his house la. My bf wants me to move in after we marry, but I really worry lo...it can only be worse, because now not married his mom already criticise me, married already sure scold me more...whether is it reasonable or unreasonable de.

so i see that you girls stay outside on your own, have your own peace and harmony...i always think the money spent is worth it. better that 600 bucks spent to buy peace especially at the start of marriage, rather than to live in fear/tears/unhappiness at the start of marriage.

unfortunately my BTO also ready only in 2012...my bf suddenly feel like getting married (if you recall i was fretting that he didn't want to get married...ironical isn't it?), and he wants us to marry next year...so no choice, we got to find some place to stay.

his alternative plan is to get married, and then i slowly move in with him...but this is like really the very very last resort ba...

 

[green_tranquility]

Flyingstar,

I think every household has some ground rules. For example, at my parents' house, everyone must wash feet and shower immediately upon stepping into the house. If one never perform those 2 actions, one will be ordered to sit on the floor and cannot touch the sofa and chairs at all LOL! There are other unusual rules too. I think my hubby will "Li2 Jia1 Cu1 Zhou3"/run away in fear after staying at my parents' house for a few days haha.

If you worry about adapting to the ground rules of your bf's house, I will advise you to rent a room after your wedding. Remember your inlaws, SIL and BIL have to adjust to your new presence similarly to how you have to adjust to their presences if you are going to stay with them. There are challenges for both inlaw side and you.

Since we are working in the day time, we will only be at home at night. The few hours in the night always pass very quickly one!

Besides the peace advantage, we will have less house chores to do hehe because we only need to clean up 1 room.

I will advise you to rent a room that's near both your workplaces. Transport costs maybe cut by $200 per month for both of you, further aided by the fact that he doesn't need to send you home anymore after the dates hehe. So your rental expense in a way is actually $600-200=$400.

Above are just my humble opinions. It's up to you and bf to make the final decision.

 

[green_tranquility]

Flyingstar,

"my bf suddenly feel like getting married (if you recall i was fretting that he didn't want to get married...ironical isn't it?), and he wants us to marry next year...so no choice, we got to find some place to stay. "

Well I'm not surprised. Commitment to marriage is a big step for men because it will lead to more responsibilities for them. It's natural that your bf needs some time to consider about it and then make a decision.

 

[flyingstar]

Green,

I respect the house rules if it applies to everyone. but I guess there will be some others who get preferential treatment.

My bf's house also the same...reach home must wash the foot immediately de. heh. I don't mind though, in fact after that when I reach my own home I also do that. It's a good habit to have.

All these aside, I just cannot stand the fact that while the SIL and Bro can do everything they like with no problems, and me and bf get scolded on their behalf whenever they do something wrong. -_-

then my bf will "scold" his mom back. I don't like this type of confrontations lo...because I always think that his mom is indirectly blaming me for all the actions from my bf. maybe i think too much la, but all these thinking also very unhealthy. i rather be out of sight, out of mind.

so i need to "psycho" my bf to shift out still. hehe.

 

[green_tranquility]

In reality, life is never fair. Some parents treat their own kids differently, some bosses treat their subordinates differently etc.

I never expect my inlaws to treat me the same way as my SILs lor becos I'm afterall an outsider. I don't bother to compare their treatments towards them and me, why make myself miserable over things I can't control? I rather spend the time on my life doing more constructive things

Yeah out of sight, out of mind

 

[green_tranquility]

Try to focus on the more positive things of your marriage, e.g. honeymoon. Once one gets a negative mindset, one will see everything around her in dark light and find her life miserable.

 

[flyingstar]

yup...some parents treat their own kids differently...it's like what's happening to my bf's family. my bf is the middle child and least favoured, his mom tends to ignore him. but my bf still got a lot of filial piety la, he always do a lot of things for his mom...buy her stuffs...and this is the quality that i really like about my bf lo...i also think that man who treat parents good will treat wife good. heh.

i thought, SIL is also marry into the family ma, she's as much an outsider as i am...but i'm wrong la...so i must learn to "kan kai" on this. Still trying my best!!

anyway, you are right, no point dwelling. my mindset got positive and negative sides...it's a lot better now after me and bf talk it through. but i would still insist on marriage preparation course for us to learn more about each other and our expectations.

 

[nolem]

Thanks for those who posted their views on my MIL saga. If not for reading all your third-party's point-of-view, my hb will never realise that i had been victimized by MIL. The comfort is that he is aware that what his mum had done were unacceptable, not that i was being petty or sensitive, over-reacting etc.

Its been 3 months since we moved out and he doesnt pressure me to go back with him and i didnt for a single time. Even when MIL came to our new house, she could not contain her sarcastic comments and say unpleasant things infront of my parents as well. A recent example was when she made a statement infront of me and my family members ... " when he (my hb) went home, our neighbours saw him and asked me (MIL)...whoa, yr he seems to hv lost weight, u see liao heart-pain or not..." I was just fumed. We all know the hidden meaning behind this kind of comment. On one hand she talks behind my back for not visitng her, not respecting her, but she keeps making scarcastic remarks when i was around. What's the point of insisting i hv to h dinner with her then? To prove she is superior and i hv to follow her demands? Well, i hv a mind of my own, even though she thought she put the stupid red flower she will be able to 'control' me, i've proven her wrong. Sometimes i feel i will intentionally not do the things she wants to let her see how it backfires on her