I gave up on our 3 mths of marriage

[nolem]

Lolliepop: "the worst part was the part whereby the hubby didn't even have the guts to go against his mom when he was not allowed to stay by her side when she was sick. damn, too much, isn't it? "

And i really thot i was being petty over it, now that i got assurance fm fellow female counterparts, i think i was not wrong to expect my hubby to be by my sick bay. That nite, my hb kept telling me "dun force me..." and i didnt... bcos i know, i will be well alive cos i wun drink posion or slash my wrist, but if he offend MIL, i dunno what hell she will give hb. I also pity hb. But at expense of getting myself hurt to the core

 

[dizonne]

u r not wrong....hubbies are supposed to take care of their other half when she is sick, or down, or wateva...im sure u wld do it for him too...

e onli ting i can sae is tat u luv hubby too much..tats y u are willing to put up wif all these for him...even at e xpense of hurting urself, u still put him in 1st place...its his loss for not noticing tat and treasuring u...

 

[tan33a]

yaaaaa... goodness.. i think u're very patient already leh nolem.. God.. i dunno what i'll do if i were you. maybe i'll most probably flare up or whatever.. crazy lor.. tsk tsk..

 

[shirleypoise]

XiaoKeAi, did you tell your htb? what's his response? Is he willing to ride thru all storms for & with u?

 

[tan33a]

XiaoKeAi,

i think u should let ur hubby read this thread.. say "darling ah, you see, this girl, so poor thing.. if i were her ah.. i'll definitely walk out already lor!!!" hehe.. well, could possibly work..

 

[nolem]

XiaoKeAi (dizonne) : my MIL also interrogate and pass totally not-meaningful comments which only hurt r/ships whenever hb tells her our activities (cos she wanted him to report). she also says "why need to prepare so many things for wedding meh?" why must we do this, do that. as if we asked her to help. its my own wedding, my own $ and business.

after marriage, she does the same. when we go out and kenna interrogation, hb tells her we going new hse / see furniture, she also comes 'why every week need to go new house, so many things to do there meh' ... 'last week already went shopping for lights, why must go again, jus buy anyone can liao, lights all the same'

I am frustrated that she can never stop airing her dissatisfaction against us going out. its our personal time and $. Why must she splash cold water everytime as if we were totally dumb. As if we too free to go new house nothing to do, jus sit and let mosquito sting.

i told hb, next time she ask 'why come back so late' again, jus tell her we got nothing to do mah, so sat at void deck till late to kill time, late late then come home. GOSH!!!

 

[dizonne]

i told him to read tis thread le lor....
n he tell mi mi mum whe got like tat..haizz...everitime i comment abt his mum, he will automatically jump to her defense...

n if i were to ask him to shift out, its equivalent to asking him to choose between his parents n me...and he will choose his parents..coz he saes tat his parents brought him up..wifout them, he wun be whe he is now...

n if i wan b wif him, i got to tolerate them...e onli ting he can promise me is tat tings will get better...but after lking at nolem's case, i seriously doubt it will get betta...

 

[dizonne]

nolem,
i havent married alreadi bth PIL interoogate everiting lor...even our nuptial room oso we cant decide wat to put there...zzz....haizz...
tats y i sae our fate veri similar...

but, i will not sae tat my FMIL is reali bad la...there are still occasions when she's nice to me...bt then these outbreaks of hers is enuff to undo all e gd she has done....

 

[canbear]

nolem,

As they often say in the Chinese culture here, When a perosn marry, it's not just to the spouse but his/her whole family. While I disagree strongly that it should be the case, yours is a very typical example of what is happening.

Your MIL is simply unreasonable and thinking too much about things, to the point of being super paranoid. Some may blame your husband, but I think it's your MIL that is the main culprit here. He is partly to be blamed but not entirely due to his difficult position.

Yes, your hb should protect you in such an instance, but I guess he's far too attached to his own mother.

I still think you should back out from such a marriage. Your husband should remain single if he wants to add his paranoid mother or unreaonable family to his married life. Or he should find another woman who can endure all these nonsense. Which I doubt any sensible woman will do.

My sympathies with u really. Take time to sit down and see how you can best handle this situation. Maybe confide in your family and close friends.

(For me, I'd say leave it now before your MIL drives you crazy. It's love you are after in a marriage. Not constant torment, anger and sadness. But I'm an outsider. Your family and friends will know your situation a lot better.)

 

[nolem]

Xiaokeai : i hope u seriously consider first. Mine is a classic real life example which u mentioned is v close to yrs. I dun think i am able to patch back my r/ship cos i am deeply hurt and injured in this lone battle. U r different, u still hv time to withdraw. Dun worry abt the deposits for banquet, invitations sent etc... this was my mistake that tied me down, also i didnt want to disappoint my hb.

Now i'm starting to question myself whether i entered this marriage bcos of love or bcos i wanted to win MIL and prove to her that even she intentionally plan to make my hb stuck with the flat, we can still buy a pte apartment and eventually get married.

 

[dizonne]

mi thinking is kinda similar to u leh...

partly, i oso dun wan to lose to her...all e more she dun like mi and tink tat im not gd enuff for her son, all e more i shld show her how gd i am n prove to her tat her son didnt make a wrong choice....

oso, i dun wan to giv up on tis relationship juz coz of his stupid family..its juz not fair to us lor..we went through so much to be together..n now tat we finally reached tis stage, i cant juz giv up like tat...

i guess this is wat is holding mi back ba...deposits for other stuffs dun reali matter...all $$ onli..can earn back later....

 

[nolem]

David: i feel my hb is not exactly a mummy's boy cos he will not defend her when i complain abt her misdeeds. Rather, i feel hb is being threatened by MIL. He says MIL is extremely hot/bad tempered, even FIL scared of her. Even hb describe MIL like a tyrant of the family and she say one is one, anyone who oppose her (even when she is wrong) will 'die a terrible death'. Prob this is the reason i still hung on the r/ship despite shattering inside of me. The only comfort is hb thinks likewise same as me, but its his mum whom he can never defy.

I dunno what exactly MIL done before bcos its their family affair, verbal abuse and emotional blackmail i guess... Hb says MIL controls FIL, make decisions for family based on her own preference (totally no autonomy for others / zero democracy), controls FIL money when PIL runs the business together.

I think MIL is jus an overly unreasonable person. But somehow, dunno where she earned good karma from to hv a considerate FIL and non-defying children.
But it had made my hb so fear of her

 

[canbear]

Oh sorry nolem, maybe i didn't get the whole picture yet.

So in your case, your hb has less to be blamed then. It's because he is tied to respecting his mother?

But what does he think about your wanting a separation? Do you both still love each other?

There is one solution I can think now. That is for you and hb to move out here and work overseas for an indefinite time. It usually does the trick, but it means having to redesign your whole life. Depending on how you see. Or do you rather end the relationship? Either way, it's a big issue for you.

 

[nolem]

David,

as much as he feels his mum is not bahaving appropriately, remaining silent and feeding her with whatever info she wants is not going to resolve the problem. By keeping silent or pacifying MIL's infinity demand for power, its making our couple life on the rocks. He allow to nurture his mother like that.

When i told him that he shld jus flare up on her etc tell her she cant keep bullying pple. Hb says then MIL will threaten to die and run away fm home again. Someone pls advise how to handle such a mother? I've told hb to jus ignore her calls or turn deaf ear when she interrogate, not asking him to quarrel with MIL, he also doesnt take my suggestion. Then SIl comes calling to scold hb for being rude etc etc. Prob is , SIL and MIL v close. MIL helps her with grocery shopping, go market buy food deliver to her house etc pampers her like as if SIL were an unmarried teen. SIL needs MIL to take care of her kids and with all these 'advantages' fm her maiden side, she sure help MIL and stand on her side.

i've actually looked out ofr overseas job last yr and convinced that its the only way out, i've even made plans to join my close fren who's already there. But soon after, we got our new condo, so it was put aside.

 

[dizonne]

nolem,
ask ur frend if still can go ova ma??
if can, then u shld consider going ova..condo can juz rent out..

 

[nolem]

as much as i pity hb for having such a mother, i cant accept his submissive towards her.

maybe that's why i had developed to be v impatient towards hb and sometimes throw temper at him as well, since he is only afraid of those who behave tyrant like MIL character?? I know its not healthy but its the only way i can vent.

 

[jo_chua]

My fren has a similar case and things worked out after they shifted out. He fought for it to shift out and now my gf is not really on talking terms with her MIL even with the grandson.. but they still go back for dinner weekly..

I believe it is how much ur hubby wants to be with U and things can be worked out. If he doesnt realise that he has to stand up for his own happiness and his future with U.. He never will.. If he really loves U and really want to spend the rest of the life with U.. He will not juz let it go..

Filial piety is important but being a mummy's boy is different. Talk to ur hubby again if U really still want the r/s.. However, if u feel U have talked enough.. Then I believe U know what to do.. Either way, U can pop champagne liao..

Learn to forgive in another way.. A way to release urself from those stressful scenes.. Pointless to make urself upset and ended up creating more damages to ur health..

Cheer up!

 

[baby_lonblue]

usually in drama or movies when someone threaten to die or leave home etc cos the other party wun listened to them, it always show that it will work when the other being threaten party say:" then u go and die lor, please know yourself that you are already an old enough adult to be responsible for your own action "

to give up a potential loving relationship is really kindda pity

there is only 1 person that can change the whole situation and it is your hubby to see if he is willing to take the harsh way to challenge his mum , not you , not anyone else

If u are very sure and convinced that your hubby wun change, cut loss and leave ,,.....

 

[nolem]

baby: i told him also, but MIL is so super duper extremely harsh that he wun take chance. Cos its a life afterall, what if her unintended threats accidentally happen? He will be guilty for life and family hates him for life. I also dun want to force him in case MIL becomes crazy and really jump, then how?

MIL already 60+ and grandma of 2, still so childish.

Hb hv to be pulled by the nose bcos she is such. This is so unfair.

 

[tomasulu]

nolem, a lifetime of (bad) habits don't go away in a blink. despite your mil's behavior, the family has come to an equilibrium of sort. they have learned to adjust because they have to. it is harder on you because you got thrust right into the family dynamics. and as an outsider, you don't see why you have to tolerate what you considered to be unreasonable behavior. remember this though, your husband didn't have that luxury of choice growing up in that environment.

if garmains is your husband, i think there is a good chance you two can work things out. you and your mil won't be bosom buddies but an uneasy coexistence is certainly within reach. you and your husband must be willing to work together on this though. if you go down that route, don't expect things to change overnight. i'd suggest you start by establishing some ground rules... set small targets to get things back on track. say he has to turn off the hp when you two are out on us-time. and you'll in turn try to be respectful to his family.

 

[advy]

Woo.. this thread moving v fast.. Nolem, I can arrange for you for counseling if you need to , but both of you must go together, if not , you can do separately. I really hope that your hubby can listen with an open mind especially when he's not a Christian, try to digest what the priest says, i really hope you can make this marriage work especially now that you have the condo already and not staying with your MIL. I was treated v badly by the SIL as well , I fought back by reasoning with them, i wrote letter since the SIL is v fierce, but still didn't work out, so I decided to give up, dat s before the marriage, I have the choice not to dig my own grave marrying to such family and have this kinda SIL , however it was only till my hubby forced the mum to take out his name n assured me dat he d protect me , then i soften and decided to give him another chance.. Btw, I am the person that Macch told u that she has a GF with a similar prob like u.. ya.. dats is me..hehe.. Most importantly, you must tell them your standpoint, reason with them, don't just keep quiet, you must let them know how u feel about the whole thing. I fought back as I want them to noe dat i m not a weakling and if you think I can be bullied, then you have chosen the wrong target.haha.. dats my point , n luckily things get alright , my advice is you need to 'da hao' your MIL as well, show her some concerns, shows her dat u re not stealing his son,etc, this is wat i m doing, like if he wans to fetch his mum or accompany his mum, i never complained n let him have sometime alone with his mum as well. If need be, bring her out in your outing as well, let her noe wat your activities are , so hopefully she won't keep ask u all , where r u ? wat time coming back,etc,etc.. It's really not ez, i fully understand, but since you hve gone thru this far, do give it a careful thoughts, go for counseling and if really things doesn't work out, then try to have some breathing space as both of u are still in the state of anger , your hubby might wonder 'why my wife is not so understanding'. you will wonder 'why my hubby can't defend me',etc..so the break up of more than 3 months for me is a good breathing space for both of us to noe if we really want to continue, maybe you can find his sincerity when u guys give each other a breathing space.. .

 

[dizonne]

hi advy,
may i koe what counselling u are toking abt?? Possible to help me arrange one for my bf and i? I oso dun wan tings to turn out like this.

 

[advy]

Nolem, i had tried to send you a private message, but it's not on, can you on it , so that i can give you my email address n phone no ? We can meet up as well. I hope i can be of help as I fully understand how u feel coz your case is really similar as my case. Trust me, when u noe my prob, you would feel this is such a common prob n it's really not the end of the world.. or till have to go thru divorce... there must be a solution to this. .Trust me

Or if not, can you PM me instead your phone no ? I can call you tonight

Dun make a rash decision dat you might regret in the future, try to calm down and think it over

 

[icesugar]

XiaoKeAi,

Think thru ur marriage carefully, if ur situation is really like this, then i guess it's time to reconsider ur marriage plans... dun walk into it like Nolem did, only to suffer in the end...

Nolem: Do u still love ur hubby? tat's very important to know... if u still love him deeply, there might b chance to work things out, but if there's no more love, den any obstacles will seem big... I agree with tomasulu tat mayb u can set small targets, one bite at a time, to slowly get things on track... this is after all a family practice, thus it will not change overnight, it really takes time...

i think mayb u can talk to ur MIL, as in tell her, u r not there to snatch her son away, in fact, u hope to live amicably with them, but u hope to have some privacy cos afterall, both of u r husband n wife already, doesn't she wan a grandchild? tell her u respect her as ur MIL, u hope u can live well together with her juz like mother n daughter, in this marriage, it's not her losing a son, but it's gaining a daughter... U wish to love her like a mother and not always have such strained relationship...

Actually, this seems abit like the show "Wo3 De4 Ye3 Man2 Nai3 Nai1"

Do u think this will work with her? or she wun even listen to u?

 

[advy]

Hi dizonne, it's a counselling from our priest, his family is a catholic so more or less they d listen to the priest more open mindedly,and also, i d suggest you to go for a marriage preparation course as well,it's a good bonding and it's the time where you can talk to your hubby heart to heart. We went to a Catholic Engagement Encounter Course where we learnt from the other married couple, listen wat the priest says , most common family problems,etc,etc. . it's a good bonding for you and your hubby , btw, i hv PM you my no. Feel free to call me if you need someone to talk to and I will talk to my priest if you really need his help. Just dun bottle up your feelings.. Think it over carefully but dun go ahead just because of the wedding expenses either, it's not healthy, we too had to forgo our hotel deposit but hubby dat time was v mad at the sister and asked her to pay for the whole banquet, it's really an expensive lesson for her to pay for by breaking up us . But now, things are quite allright with the whole family. Maybe it's just me, I try to forgive n forget , coz my motto is , do not hate a person , lest u d remember him/her for life dats y i refrain from being petty and hate a person no matter how bad the other party treats me. I shall let God judge them .. not up to us to judge on those who are bad to us either..

 

[dingdingding]

hi ladies,

just wanna rant my frustrations here...

my hub comes from single parent, so he bought his previous house with his mum... now tat we have a new house, his mum is also staying with us plus his stepfather

firstly, his mum and stepfather has totally no savings of their own. although his stepfather works, his entire salary he gives to his mum to gamble. she is those type of people with no planning for future and consideration for others even her own son. she never ask if my husband has enough to pay for housing loan (last time took bank loan), and if he had money to do up wedding banquet or buy house furnitures etc.

the reason why she doesn't ask or 'care' about my husband is because she doesn't want him to question her back her gambling habits. so it is like 'u dun bother me i dun bother u' kind of relationship she wants to have with her own son. and she still dare to always claim that she owe her son 'debts' because she give birth to him and also she cares for him a lot etc

All these is so untrue because even my husband says that she is those type who got money can disappear from the house from morning to wee hours to gamble and only come back house to sleep and only when she gamble until that month allowance is gone then she will stay at home and pretend to be a good mother by calling my husband if he wants to come home for dinner, but she doesn't cook... at most she cooks 2 simple meals per week and she thinks her cooking is the best because when my husband and i cook, she will sneak around the kitchen to see how we cook and make comments and will also check upon us after our cooking and rearrange everything and clean up everything again to show us that we do not know how to cook and maintain the kitchen, and when i go back to the room she will take her food and add more soya sauce saying to my husband that what i have cooked got no flavour at all (i happened to walk into the kitchen when she said that and she looked sheepish immediately)

what is more irrating is that she likes to check on our stuff in our room as well. she will rearrange our personal belongings to her own liking, inside wardrobes, drawers, cabinets, table top items, gadgets, etc. my husband also mentioned that his coin box money is missing sometimes

there is totally no privacy because everything is under her scrutinization whenever she is not gambling!

she is so much of a control freak that even after i hung up the clothes to dry she will rearrange everything again. and no matter how clean we have wash the dishes, she will check them immediately we walk out of the kitchen, to the extend of refilling the water jug with water after every cup of water that we drank!!!

sometimes even when we are cooking very simple things like barley water or green bean soup, she will also want to take over from there and insist that we do not know how to cook.

basically she gives no room for my husband and i to move into the new phase of 'growing up' and growing in marriage

but at the same time, she always tell my husband that he has no one else to depend upon except himself and should provide financially to the family although he is already paying thousand plus for the housing, car, some house items, etc. all she wanted when she said that is to squeeze some money from husband to support her gambling hobby and also comparing that other people son can give their mothers so much and why couldnt he. my husband has always tell me that he feels that his mother is not understanding enough as a mother and she doesn't think back how she has never provided to him much since young because of gambling and running from debts and he only has a proper house when he started working and bought his own house and paid with his own money. and when he sold his house the mother still want to have a share in it making stupid claims that she has contributed a few times to the housing earlier when my husband cpf was running low at a point of time. twice when he sold the house, his mother wanted money for gambling. she doesn't calculate in that her own son needed money to renovate the new house and buy new furniture and electrical appliances all because she claims that this is spoilt and that is spoilt, new house must have this thing new and that thing new, etc

sometimes when my husband and i communicated in mix english-chinese, she will think that she knows what we are talking about and interrupt us, usually when we talk about money and she tinks that i complain to my husband that i have to contribute to the household and she will say something like my money will surely get it back, which makes my husband and i very irritated by her bossiness

the most recent time was when my husband and i were discussing about the future housing payment since economy is so bad now(because we are both self-employed and contribute to our own cpf), we were thinking which is better to pay for the housing should our savings run low. whether by cash or cpf because cpf still must spilt into medisave and special account so must contribute even more in order for ordinary account to have the same amount to the housing loan than cash, so his mother interrupt again and say if cpf not enought just need to take a few hundred cash each month to top up for the housing. this is such a stupid statement because unlike employees, our cpf is not contributed by company but by ourself with our own money, it is like left pocket is our money and right pocket is also our money, so cpf is like our cash as well, if we have not enough cpf money that could mean that for that particular month we did not have enough cash to contribute to our cpf and so how to have extra cash. anyway explain to her many times and she still can say it is the same and cpf will sure have money as long as company contribute cpf. she doesn't understand 'company' now is 'us' because self-employed. but all these frustrations is because she thinks she is very smart and wants to have a say in everything and she also wants to 'reassure' us so that we won't ask her to cut her gambling and contribute to the household instead.

we both felt that she is very selfish, doesnt care about the family or if we will have enough money for the family as a whole because they dont have savings to cover themself for old-age medical also, and also she doesn't care that her own son is 30++ already and will want to have own children someday

 

[autumni76]

I've read when I was studying psychology, that a tyrant personality is created because of an inconsistence disciplinary upbringing.
A famous example of such person is Hitler.

There's no cure as the personality is already shaped. Unless the person himself/herself is willing to change.

nolem, since your MIL is very happy about making everyone obey her, I doubt she will change.

So, it's up to nolem's hubby to break free from this problem IF he wants this marriage to work.

Anyway, from the way i read it, i feel, the whole problem lies in the HB.
It's unlikely to change others. But he should know where his priorty/responsibilites lies - to protect his family = his wife.

Obviously, he has failed his duties.

And if he says things like 'forgiving'.
Well, in order to forgive, the misdeed could have happened in the PAST only. NOT ONGOING.

Just like vegetarians who take vows to break the cycle of karma - If they stop eating meat, they will gradually decrease the bad karma.
If they don't take vows and continue to take meat, no matter how much of good deeds they do, the bad karma will keep pouring in.

Therefore, if you really want to end this marriage, just go ahead. I almost never ever encourage people to give up their marriage. Mostly, I will talk them into giving it a 2nd chance.
But, rather to be a happy single, than to suffer like this forever - with a husband who only obeys because he is afraid of his own mother (whatever he may be afraid of, wel, ultimately, he's still afraid, isn't he?)

And I believe I am exercising social responsibility by doing abit of counselling VERY early in the morning at near to 2am, so that this lady will not succumb to depression nor, like her MIL, have the negative thinking of ending her life.
btw, according to research, most people who say/threaten they will end their life, almost NEVER commit suicide. But of coz, they might do it just to spite someone, or in a fit of anger (which, i feel they themselves should be responsible for their own actions - who ask them to be so stupid anyway? )

To nolem's husband," For your wife to forgive, yuo must first of all, ensure that all mistreatments are STOPPED with immediate effect. There's no need to give any timeframe, because it will then never happen - JUST STOP NOW. If it can't be stop, don't talk to your wife about forgiving."

Just like a glass of water - if you keep pouring water into it, do you think all the water can be contained? Of coz not - it will overflow.
So how do you expect nolem to forgive when the mistreatments are ongoing?

And, forgiving takes time, mind you.

We are in the modern times now. NOT those ancient times whereby women have to obey everything, be it reasonable or unreasonable.

And I always believe that, our (referring to girls') parents bring us up, not to severe ties with us, nor have us ill-treated.
Therefore, even after marriage, a weekly dinner at the maiden house is a MUST and a daily communication is also a MUST.
If our parents did not go through hardship to bring us up, those fellows who are our life partners might have to marry a tree!!!

Having said all these, I wonder if nolem's husband would find a solution after reading up all the postings.

 

[grace011280]

Nolem, actually in short, if u had enuff and u know u cant take it anymore, and if u know that ur hubby is the kind that wont stand up for u(which i think he is becuz i also suspect he is the garmain and seems like till now he still think he is the victim expecting u to give in becuz his mum wont, and want u to give in juz to make things easier that kind of feeling, is he treasuring the marriage or juz wanted a better life for himself oni?), I think u should know wat to do already..

 

[zolyn]

XiaoKeAi,

Never rush into thing, since you have already face the same problem as Nolem. You have already ask your future hubby to look into this thread, and his reaction towards this thread is very clear to you.

Nolem,

You should settle your annulment before any baby come. Any dispute between adults, kids is the most innocent party.

 

[olpsn]

Sun_flower

"btw, according to research, most people who say/threaten they will end their life, almost NEVER commit suicide. But of coz, they might do it just to spite someone, or in a fit of anger (which, i feel they themselves should be responsible for their own actions - who ask them to be so stupid anyway? )"

- from SOS website (http://www.samaritans.org.sg/index1.html) "Research has shown that out of any ten persons who kill do themselves, eight would have given definite warnings of their suicidal intentions."

I'm surprised that the research you've read is different from what the professionals have found out.

 

[nolem]

My hb and i had a heart to heart talk on fri, he told me a lot of things, that he had quarelled with his mum and told her off about the misdeeds she done. he claims that he didnt sit there and do nothing. he says he didnt defend me infront of MIL cos he doesnt want MIL to perceie me worse or even confront me directly. he says its his family affairs and he will handle his mum himself. i take it with pinch of salt and keep my fingers crossed it was true. he told me that he jus had a quarrel with MIL since monday and they are not on talking terms now.

after a long discussion, he sent me home. he asked if he could stay overnight that day. i was so surprised cos as i mentioned b4, MIL had set her instruction that 'son cannot stay over DILs house.. never' and hb had been faithfully following this command. i know its becos he had 'fallen out' with MIL and wants a place to escape???

anyway, i would like to share what the incident of hb's quarrel with MIL. its the most ridiculous thing that i heard. Here it goes.... a week before i lett to stay over my mum's place, PIL went on a one week holiday trip. they returned on Monday, the day i moved back to maiden's place, she confronted hb over dinner. She asked if hb cooked dinner during her absence and hb told her only once. she was very angry for watsoever reason and insisted that hb was telling lies. hb defended and asked her to check the packet of noodles that 2 portions were missing plus some dumplings. She insisted he was lying and scolded him in a harsh tone. Hb felt as upset that she keep insisting that he was lying and MIL's loud harsh tone was overbearing. So a quarrel broke out between them. FIL asked hb to apologise to MIL for making her angry.

I cant find any logic to MIL's behaviour, what has whether we cooked or not got to do with her? Its not as if hb asked MIL to buy extra food cos we cooking and in the end we didnt. its not as if any frozed food in the freezer gone bad. i really cant understand. its our own freedom to decide whether we cook or eat out. Why did she come bombarding hb abt it? If we didnt cooked, how has it harmed or caused inconvenience her? totally no relation! She even scolded hb and insisted he didnt wash all his laundry. Hb replied her that the laundry she saw was for past 2 days' which were not economical to put into a single wash in the washing machine. MIL says "u didnt wash yr clothes at all!!...." luckily hb had the pile of folded clothes in the study room and he showed to her and told her off 'these were my clean laundry, who says i didnt wash any AT ALL?" MIL goes on scolding, grumbling etc over us not cooking dinner...

Hb tells me he guessed MIL's reaction was bcos she was expecting something. She expects us to suffer and feel helpless during her absence. MIL expects us to ccok and then screw up something??etc and then will appreciate her for cooking dinners for hb everyday?? Hb says MIL must had hoped that during her absence, we wil be handicapped that we prayed that she came back early etc. Now that after MIL returned and noticed life goes on normal for hb, she was angry and wants to find something to start a fight. since i cant think of any possible reason for her behaviour, i think hb was right??? How on earth she expects 2 grown adults to not survive when she not around? MIL thinks she is indespensible and got angry when she realised she's not!

Why her reaction like above?????

 

[nolem]

Advy, i've turned on my PM

i am not christian but i had attended convent schoolfor 10 years and i am open to other religion's teachings. my hb will be open as well.


i hope we can get some help on advise on how hb should behave in his new family nucleus and stop feeling gulity or bad when he goes against the unreasonable MIL and makes me upset at my expense. we hope to get some guidance on dealing with our own emotions when dealing with MIL and how to handle such a MIL.

 

[grace011280]

hey nolem, wat u 2 think is correct. I think ur MIL wans to see that u 2 feel that she is important around the house and when she sees that its not that case, she got angry and pick a fight. Another thing is i think she wans to prove to ur HUBBY to see if she is not around, u as a DIL got do housework anot. Thats y she keep asking he cooked anot. Actually i think she meant that question whether u cooked and washed laundry anot to show ur hubby that when the mum is not doing, see whether ur wife will do it for u anot lidat...

This is wat i feel when i see wat u mentioned above. But nolem, its great that ur HB finally stand on its own. Its a good sign of ur marriage. At least he didnt keep quiet anymore. What he said is quite true in some ways too. He couldnt help u to talk back to his mum in front of u becuz this would make his mum lose face. Cuz no matter wat they are the elders.. so muz give some face and talk to them behind when u not around.. This is also gd. If not all quarrel together not very nice also ma..

And u said he go ur house stay over, maybe u dun think of the negative part lor. AT least now he did stand on his own and do things against his mum's will now to stay over at ur place. This is also a big step for him isnt it? Muz appreciate already.. =)

 

[autumni76]

olpsn,

from my readings, it stated that people who would really commit suicide are those who plan and go about DOING things, NOT TALKING about it.

nolem, good to know your hubby is standing up and protecting you.
THEN, i would say it is a marriage worth fighting for.

err. the MIL last blown up matter, maybe i'm wrong, but it does sound like she might be concerned the young ones (meaning, you all) never eat properly, don't know how to look after yourself. Just that, she doesn't know how to express her concerns in a correct manner.
I've seen people like that.

and when your HB says wanna stay overnight at your place, what i read is that, he might be taking a first step to show to his mother that he's going to stand up for himself. NOT coz he quarrelled with his mum.

and yes - you both MUST have consistent counselling. Keep going to counselling until even until your 2nd kid is born. Coz, along the way, you're going to fall down many times. A counsellor can offer you advise.

 

[miloice]

one thing that is overlooked mostly. things that we do to protect your partners are often not broadcasted. we do them not for appreciation or recognition but simply in the best interest of both parents and spouse.

often, wife is expecting husband to stand up and confront and scold his mum. for me, i have a simple rule. never handle your spouse parents. no matter how ridiculous it is. let the spouse do it. and dun expect a big fight or something. i always take it offline. one to one without spouse. my wife used to think i was overly protective to my mum too. like my previous gf. but i proved that i am not a mummys boy but simply know better how to manage and influence my mum. there is no need for big fights. instead, many hours and days of constant reassurance then feedback and reasoning.. my mum character will not change. but there could be ways to reason with.

in the same way, your husband may have better ways to deal with his mum. dun expect instant results. observe over time if things are indeed working. nothing to really lose. if it works good, else call it quits.

 

[nolem]

Milo: Agree that the husband shld be the one handling MIL. I was upset with hb bcos the couple-decisions he made was the result of MIL priority and rejecting me. Etc, when he insist of going home that time i was discharged from hospital and was very sick. I knew he would had stayed over to care for me if MIL were not around. Cos he needs to call home to tell MIL if he not stays out and MIL will give him a trashing, for watsoever reason, as if he was a kid. So, to spare his ears fm suffering, he usually follows her wishes. But this is affecting me.


I also dun expect hb to scold his mum infront of me, anyway MIL will not direct those remarks at my face, its usually when she's alone with hbthat she say those stuff, but its loud enough for me to hear and i think its intentional. Since me and MIL are not face-to-face, i wld expect hb to rebut MIL on her scarastic remarks and nonsense, instead of jus 'ok ok ok... ' to pacify her. This happens even if its pver the phone. U get wat i mean, he goes to the extend of having to tell lies to MIL in order to pacify her. Then i told hb, that he's so used to telling lies on his whereabouts without winking his eye, this gives me no confidence to trust his words and will also hv doubts when he tells me his whereabouts, cos its habitual to him. I dun understand why he cant tell MIL that we're in the middle of our dinner, instead of telling her we're on the way home already? Why cant he tell MIL off that we're doing our own stuff, why she get so bothered abt wat time we go home. I hope he could jus say 'reception not good here, hello, hello.....' then hang up on her, dun pick up when she calls again.

Like what i say, hb tells me he confronted MIL while i was away, but given his habit of letting his 'ears rest' fm MIL's scoldings, i am having doubts whether he really did, or jus another lie to pacify me??


Anyway, this weekend we were at our new place tidying. Hb says after the cold war with MIL since Monday, he started to pack his stuff and wants to move over asap. So, since Fri nite, was the first time MIL stopped her constant callings, we had first night of peace. This continues Sat thru Sun and was the first time in 4 years we've enjoyed such peace and no-pressure leaving the house nor have to go thru the painful procedure of her interrogation. Basically, with the cold war, MIL jus left hb alone. I felt so released. The weekend passed in total calmness.

Somehow i jus hope the cold war continues till we move out.... I dun think that she is 'concerned with the young' that she started the fight. I think she jus wants to poke her nose into all our affairs, be it concerns her or not, and lastly, find fault at it, like what she always does.

I've arranged for counselling at family centre next week. My hb propose to go pre-marrital counselling instead. But i felt ours is a case study with specific problem, pre-martial counselling is too broad.

 

[nolem]

btw, i would like to mention that MIL confronted to me one-to-one just before my wedding. She told me that after wedding, we are not supposed to move out to stay even if we got the keys to our hse. She says we have to stay with her for few months cos if frens n relatives knows, she feel she no-face. That she feels no-face when pple know her son/dil not staying with her.

When i went maiden hse to stay after my discharge fm hospital to rest, she came to confron me as well. She called my mum to say my mum does not teach her daughter proper rules, say i cant go maiden home without telling her. Said that i was disrespectful and rude, even though hb did tell her abt it already. Then when i went over MIL place to stay few days later, she told me that neighbours her DIL (me). Said neighbours mention to her didnt see me for few days and she say she had to resort to tell lies to them that i goes to work early morning and comes home v late, dat's why didnt see me. The way she puts it across, was blaming me for letting her go thru mocking fm neighbours. The following week, i did my part to stay over everday to pacify her. Everytime i left the house or return back, all the neighbours' doors were closed. How on earth are those neighbours so free to monitor whether i stayed over or not? Anyway, they stayed in a new estate and were not v close to neighbours as well. The neighbours are yound couples and were not home most of the time as well. I think its jus a big fat lie to scold me.

 

[nolem]

Whats more riduculous, MIL says i have to obtain permission or report to her, when i want to go maiden home stay or not coming home for dinner. She says hb tells her is not counted, i have to tell her personally else i no respect for her. See how she wants to control me?????

i told her that she calls hb to ask if he going home for dinner, his answer is already the representation of ours and hb always tell her its for both of us. Then she says, even if hb tells her, its her son's respect towards her. I have to tell her seperately, call her after she puts down on phone with hb. I feel its an ultimate control freak behaviour.

I mean, who is she to control me like that when my hb can give me all the freedom i want? I married my hb, not her. And i felt as if MIL was hb's wife whom he listens more to .

 

[sgbabydoll]

Nolem, the key person is not husband, not your MIL. Forget about her and her antics for a while and try to work on the marriage with your husband.

 

[nolem]

i feel after hb goes back to talking terms with MIL, all the issues will re-surface again. I feel his change in behaviour is just temporary, will be back to square one when their cold war ends.

I'm quite sure next time MIL calls, he will revert to the same old pacifying tatics and we're heading nowhere.

 

[nolem]

Sunflower:
can u pls advise how to deal with pple who always threathen with death and induce guilt in others since u studied psychology?

Everytime hb disobeys or talk back to her a bit, she will say all sorts of stuff that arent pleasant to the ear. Those words that old pple say will start to roll. Etc 'now u grow up can fly already, did u forget how much hardship i experienced to bring u up and this is how u treat me....' 'go ahead and go out, i know u will eventually abandon me'... 'if i've known u are so rebellious, i would not had given birth to u' (she calls hb is rebellious, even though he was so submissive!)

U are right to say that our (female) own parents also went through hardship to bring us up, which parent doesnt in those days when life was hard. I also disagree that going thru hardship is valid excuse for MIL to instill such unreasonable and control on hb and me when my own parents dun.

She keep thinking we move out = abandon her so she doesnt allow us to move anywhere. Previously we went to view neighbouring blocks but she disallow us to buy, find fault with every unit. she says, she allow us to move, only if its within the same block and must be corner high floor. She claims she's doing it for 'our own good', worry us buy a lousy unit, but isnt it finding excuse for herself?

Problem is, FIL still around and her own daughter pops by her place every other day and she calls her children everyday. How can make her overcome her paranoid thinking that hb is abandoning her? I am so worried she will come uninvited to my new condo and demand to stay over and create a scene. If so, is it reasonable to ask the security guard not to let her in?

Is there anyway we can get counselling for her? She sure refuse to go see counsellor nor admit she needs one.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Nolem, is it foreknowledge that you have or just preconceived ideas that your husband will not change for good?

Since you already have come this far and even prepared to lose him, why not just give it your best shots ever to work something out with him? You can keep analysing and speculating but that won't change a thing for you.

 

[nolem]

I'm jus worried that after hb's cold war with MIL and when i resume my r/ship with him, he'll soon forget his promises and we hv to go through the painful cycle once more. It isnt the first time, during our dating, whenever i felt sick n tired of those nonsense and propose to end our r/ship, he will rebel against those controlling acts of his mum and situation improves, but its always temporary.

Now that we've become a married couple, i'm not sure shld i get him another chance on this account? I hope he will treasure our r/ship as much as i did and knows that i've indeed been through a lot bcos of him. I wonder if he ever knows....

 

[sgbabydoll]

Well, you can't control his thoughts and actions. You can only do your part and hopefully, it will spur him on to do the right things. But I feel compelled to warn you that change does not happen overnight. If you want to see him changed, honestly, you have to be VERY patient and persevering. Got to manage your own expectations and limits too.

 

[nolem]

4 years already and i think i've reached my max.
I hope he reads this es, Sunflower's earlier post

 

[rjwedding]

hi.. after reading for so long.. i feel alot for u too... it's already pretty difficult to maintain a r/s between 2 different people.. somemore got so many interfering factors.. what i'm facing now not as bad as yours, but also have a demanding MIL.. have been listening to her from our wedding prep till now planning to get our own house.. my hb will always says listen to her.. I also just give in lor.. cos I know i chosen this hb and his family.. me n my hb have been together for close to 10 years before getting married last year.. and I've seen my MIL's temper for many years too.. i just try to tolerate lor.. luckily my MIL is working shift.. so sometimes I don't get to see her so often.. that will reduce my conflicts with her too..

as a DIL, we too have to give our respect to our PIL.. we have to listen to them.. but of course if too unreasonable, got to say it out.. this is what I do.. like recently my MIL don't agreed on us getting our own flat at punggol area because she said the feng shui master said punggol not good for my hb.. but we reason out with her.. finally she give it and we are going to choose our unit soon.. think communication is really very important in a r/s.. be it between u n ur hb.. between ur in-laws too.. i also agreed that hb should be the one talking/reasoning out with his parents.. but sometimes I realised our hb really don't dare to say no to his parents.. so what i normally do is when we have meals together with his parents, we will discuss it over the table.. with me n my hb around.. i try not to let my hb fight the war with his mum alone, cos I know he will not win.. but overall i didn't managed to maintain a good r/s with my MIL till now...

you really have to be patient for these kind of matters.. it's really not easy for someone that have been in such living condition for years to change so fast.. it takes time.. somemore got to oppose his mum.. it really takes alot of courage for him and time for him to do so... u are not fighting this by yourself.. have a good talk with ur hb.. give him another chance to show u that he really cares and will protect u..

i really hope will have a good ending for you.. do take care!!

 

[miloice]

nolem, i'm not speaking only about your situation. When I read what you said about things your husband did offline with his mum, I kind of agree. I see it many times that women that want their man to be that knight to rescue her. Often, it doesn't happen like this and they got disappointed. The spouse's part to manage parents and spouse happens alot in the background than they realized. There is no point to dig into alot of the details on the things spoken as it will only dig worms to hurt feelings and cause more unhappiness than anything.

The job of the middleman isn't a tape recorder. Its way more diplomatic. And because it happens in the background, often, it is the unheard and unappreciated part. Realize its a tough thing to manage in between. No one speak nice words in times of frustrations and anger. Only an idiot will broadcast them for both parent and spouse. And trust me, I have heard and seen such idiots.

 

[flyingstar]

nolem, you know, i suddenly has this mad thought, maybe your hb should also start threatening back to his mom that he will also commit suicide, then maybe his mom will be scared and not blackmail both of you again.

Of course this is just a mad thought. As a responsible adult you should not be resorting to this.

Anyway, you said that your hb has done this cycle of being rebellious when you want out of the r/s during your dating days, but revert back to old habits once your r/s is okay. Have you and your hb ever do a proper "debrief" over your r/s after things are better between the 2 of you?

This is like, to find out what things happened and how to prevent the same situation from happening. I often do that with my bf, especially when it comes to his mom also. Usually we quarrel over his mom but later on we also come to an agreement on how to solve the problem the next time his mom does the same thing.

Of course my bf was co-operative in wanting to solve the problem too. I think you and your hb need to sit down and really think of how you are going to solve this issue. It will always stick around until the 2 of you really want to solve it.

Anyway, i think you and your hb is moving out right? why not move out and then see how things goes. if nothing changes still then i guess you really got to put an end to all these.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"4 years already and i think i've reached my max."

But did you just realise that it's been four years and no real improvement? No, right? It's either you leave for good now or stay on and work something out. Either way it is still a bullet for you to bite as there is no easy way out.

 

[thommy]

"I'm quite sure next time MIL calls, he will revert to the same old pacifying tatics and we're heading nowhere."

u already have ur answer nolem from the above statement u made.

"4 years already and i think i've reached my max."

If he had wanted to change, he would have done so long ago, no need to wait until 4yrs later then change. Honestly, I don't think he will change for you also. You should know better than us nolem, the answer is in your head. Go with it.