I gave up on our 3 mths of marriage

[nolem]

my hb sms me this after reading this thread "u're pointing fingers at MIL, what hv u done. If nobody gives in, i'll be the one at losing end. Do u know i suffered as well? so can i assume u dun love me as well?"

i think i hv concluded my decision for Annul after that affirmation. He can never know what woman wants. Maybe i didnt love him either, i've prob mistaken the feeling i had for him as love. Not that i realise its not, i think i hv no more reason to tolerate too.

 

[nolem]

Amongst other things, the major thing i cant accept till date, is hb telling me lies in attempt to cover up MIL and SIL. I hate the idea that his lies to me were all for them. If not, he would had been truthful to this r/ship

With a r/ship started off with lies, i think there is no longer trust and i get suspicious whenever he tells me things relating to them. I cant tell which is true and which was made up.

 

[flowerygal]

Fight for your true happiness...

I think you have already made your stand to your hus and if he does not stand by you, it is not worth it to continue. Marriage is a risk, some guys will change for the better, some simply got worse. It seems like he loves his family more than u (although sandwiched btw). In order to survive, you have to oblige to your inlaws despite how unreasonable, otherwise, cant live in harmony.

Guess you are feeling quite fed up with this kind of inlaws similar to mine. Hus so extremely "filial". But it is depressing to give up everything all because of MIL. Hope your hus do something to pull you back into his arms again.

 

[inspectorate]

In a nutshell, you married a man who is ball- less. Leave him

 

[garmains]

It seems to me that it all from a single side of story. Sounds more like a TV drama. I think is still premature for those giving a judgment call too soon without listening from another side of story. While she has all the time to type such a long essay, it does not describe what she has done to fulfill her role as a DIL. What has she done as a DIL to better communicate to PILs? Why not make this time useful by finding amicable solutions to solve the problem than harping on it.

Her story also does not describe if she has exhaust all possible solutions before calling it quits.

Her usage of the word “selfish” SIL leaves much to be desired. Did she find out the real intend of the SIL actions? Is her SIL deliberate intend to cause suffering to her own brother or unknowingly causes it? Did she have a face to face talk to her SIL or just pure assumptions? Why didn’t she clarify with her SIL? Why call people names when the fact has not been clarified?

I also think that her hubby would not sit there and do nothing. Probably her hubby has done something so that she agrees to marry him despite all these. Give credit when due, lady.


You mention that you need a week break. Are you expecting your hubby to call since you say it is a week break? Aren’t you contradicting yourself?


The story also describes incidents during her dating days, and till this moment, still feels sore about it. Seems to me that she has lots of emotional baggage to carry around and it is getting heavier each day due to the virtuous circle.


By writing such story, it is predictive what will be the outcome of other people comments. To people out there, please air your views with some social responsibility. U might break up a family.

What she needs to do is to forgive. Forgiveness is not reconciliation! In fact, there's a drastic difference between the two. Reconciliation is an acceptance of and a submission to a person's behavior while continuing the relationship under those circumstances. Therefore, I am not at all suggesting that you accept your family's behavior and condone its continuance while condemning yourself to a life of unhappiness. I'm suggesting that you remove yourself from their behavior and release the resentment and anger you're harboring towards them. Think about it for a moment! If you can't forgive them, how in lord's name are you going to move on with your life? You can't! The angrier you become over their dysfunctional act, the more you will be tempted to punish them for it! There's and ancient Chinese saying; "Before seeking revenge first dig two graves!" When you harbor anger and resentment towards another are you hurting them or are you hurting yourself? Forgiveness is defined as giving up or ceasing a resentment of an offender. So, I am not at all suggesting that you reconcile with anyone, but I am suggesting that you forgive them! However, you need to understand that you are forgiving them for you and not for them. One may even ask "how could I reconcile with someone that has inflicted such horrific, emotional pain upon me?" The answer is you can't, if you want to be happy. Remember, you should not forgive the act, but you should forgive the person. The more you harbor these feelings the more emotional distress you will experience in your life, which increases the odds you'll reach for some other compulsion to relieve it. In this case, airing your problem in public and wanting people to empathise with you.

In conclusion, harboring resentment causes great harm to you and very little if any to the perpetrators! So, forgive for you, not for them! And, drop that baggage and kick it to the curb. It happened in the past! Leave it where it belongs, in the past!


In seeking to end this relationship, it does both parties no good. It is just a lose lose suitation.

 

[powder]

nolem,

just do it and dun ever look back... your hubby have a decent amount of chance to control the situation... os it's either the prince is weak or the dowager is too strong... regardless, u'll be spending your time in the cold-palace, so might as well leave the country...

 

[zolyn]

Nolem, your hubby sms you, is because he care about this marriage. But on the same time he has to be filial to his mother..

If you really has make up your decision of annul, just proceed. Your own parents & silbings will be stand by your side. You will not be alone. Most important you has to be happy. Life is only one time.

** Normally in such situation, i will try to "quan he, bu quan li" But after seeing the beginning thread till now, it seemed like you have to let go, in order to find your smile back..

Health is most important, so must take good care of it. Good health will able to proceed on the long journery of life.

 

[thommy]

"my hb sms me this after reading this thread "u're pointing fingers at MIL, what hv u done. If nobody gives in, i'll be the one at losing end. Do u know i suffered as well? so can i assume u dun love me as well?"

based on what her hubby smsed her above, I dun think he cares abt their marriage, it's more of questioning her intent on creating this thread here. Till now he's still expecting his wife to give in always cos there's NO WAY that his mother will give in first. How do u expect her to continue with him then? Marriage does not work one way only, it takes two hands to clap. Up to now he's still portraying himself as a victim BUT what he doesn't realise is that the harm done to his wife is far greater than what's dished out to him. He has also forgotten that he willingly agreed to be a 'free labourer', so why the rant now? Don't blame others when u urself wanna do it, it only makes u look bad.

Just curious, how does he know u created a thread here Nolem? he's a member here as well?

 

[zolyn]

If he not care about this marriage, he dont even bother about this thread.. He will just let Nolem go. Why he still spending his time sms to Nolem??

But i very sure, he will never let go his mother.. He is a very filial person.

 

[thommy]

He only smsed her upon reading this thread and not out of his own free will. What does this tell u abt him then?

 

[nolem]

garmains's posts are expectly what my hb emailed to me. ...Blaming me for causing myself distress bcos i cant let go of the baggage.I think this is no justice bcos till date, MIL is still practicing her controlling freak attitude towards us. Etc,

MIL : what time u coming home
HB: at night lor (obviously)
MIL: (will persist to continue to dig at it) "WHAT TIME!!!!!"
HB: how wld i know? till i finish my activity outisde i'll come back.
MIL : Dun tell me time meaning night is it?

U get what i mean? Why must it be such a taxing chore to get out opf the house, small things like that she hv to add pressure to us. For at least i felt extremely uncomfortable. She jus hv to let out some steam which i dunno why she had them.

As for calling SIL 'selfish'. Isnt it all witten on the the face already? Do i need to wait till she cause physical harm to me then get convinced?
There was one incident where we went for a 'family trip' and SIL called hv the following day to scold, BIL too. reason: hb didnt help her carry pram when SIL and BIL cant cope with their own kids. Why shld we be responsible to be ever obliging towards helping her resolve her won family issue? Isnt SIL carrying babbage as well? Its jus 2 kids, she has a maid as helper already, still not enuff. Whatever she felt had been inconvenient to gher, she puts the blame for others not helping her. I dun get it. maybe i never will

 

[nolem]

thomas, i gave this thread link to hb, told him that if after he eads it but still dun know why i am am feeling this way, i think its time i give up.

True enuff, he came emailing me many links to articles telling pple abt forgiveness, excess baggage etc. The things he said are what (garmains) wrote and i'm starting to suspect.

Anyway, since he claims its only one sided story and i am all to blame for self-inflicting distress upon myself over 'tirval' matters, then ok, i admit i am jus a pertty woman. I dun wish to debate with him. Jus take it that i was in the wrong all the while by not having a big heart for forgiving/ forgetting MIL telling my hubby not to listen to wife, for MIL intruding my privacy by entering my bedroom during my absence, for MIL's scarcastic remarks, for MIL's theory that daughters are married into the guy family and she has rights to control me as well. Ok i admit i was too narrow minded........................

 

[advy]

Hi Ching,

I fully aware of your situation as your story is definitely the same as mine n this doesn't happen solely in a drama. I fully symphatise with you.
Having said dat, maybe you can on your private message so dat i can pm you my email address. I hope i could be of help coz guess it's silly to break up due to family members. Do not allow them to control you, tell them firmly of what you think, if need be, do go for a counseling. As you have already gone for a marriage vows, do standstill with this marriage, talk to your hubby what you think and try to salvage this marriage.

I also went for a break up as your story is sooooo similar to mine, too much interference from the fierce sister, house matter (hubby also a co-owner of the flat with the mum) ,hubby is too filial, dun say anything to defend me, etc. But luckily he stood firm at the end and asked the mum to take out his name. Having married for 3 months now, i would say it is a disaster..haha...coz men and women are just too different and we both have different habits and lifestyle. A couple of times , i want to give it up, but having thought of what we had gone thru, etc, i decided to stay on n surprisingly , my mil whom i reasoned with (i can be quite fierce and strongheaded), was v supportive and i noe all along she's quite wise, just dat i can't stand the sis' interference (like not allowing us to renovate our room tho i had agreed to stay with her)- my mil has a "soft" ears u c..Now, our r/s is getting betta n betta, i invited her for dinner, chat with her over the phone or goes to her home to visit her and talk bad abt his son..haha... Like u , i wanted to give up too coz i feel there are a lot of probs caused by his family members, however i still think it's silly if you allow his family members to be the cause of break up. My advice is do not be influenced by others who advise you to break up,only you noe your situation well, outsiders won't know wat you have gone thru , cool down and try to analyse the pros n cons, talk to the hubby n ask him wat he is going to do with his 'control freak' mum , go for counseling with only 2 of u , then the whole family, i m lucky coz we are a Catholic family so we all went for counseling and try to talk to your mil, why she's doing it, maybe u guys spend too much time together, left her behind, so maybe you shud try to let her join your outing, give her the sense of security that you are not 'taking' his son from her .. at the end, decision is still yours. Hope you can think it over..

 

[nolem]

i am saddened that hb wrote to me that i am writing this thread to get pple to support me and gain sympathy. I am really HURT!!!!

I jus wanted an avenue to let off all those accumulating inside of me.

I am not bringing 'baggage' stop telling me i shld forget the past when those things are still done at present!!! and this is the reason i am getting depressed. How can hb expect me to forgive n forget the unhappiness MIL had brought and hb turn blind to it and satisfy answers to the MIL's interrogation?

I told him that when i heard MIL told him not to listen to wife, i was already upset. I expect him to reply to her like 'she's my wife and its my marraige to run, how can i ignore my spouse whom will grow old and care for me for life?' I broke into tears when i heard his reply was 'ok lah ok lah...' jus to pacify her.. I think this is self-explanatory to how i feel

 

[flyingstar]

nolem, sorry to say, I think your husband cannot and never will stand up for himself or for you.

i agree with forgiveness but i always stand by this... "i can forgive, but i cannot forget". There's one thing about forgiving once, twice...but not everytime. And I do believe if something hurts you badly or affects you a lot, it's almost impossible to forget. It's the same about tolerance. There's a limit to everything.

Nolem, i guess you have hit your limit, unfortunately this occurs after marriage which makes things more messy.

Based on the current situation, seems that your husband really expects you to tolerate and forgive your in-laws with no limits. He is suffering, but he has the power to end it by standing up to his own mother and sis.

However the only control you have to end all these is to end this marriage. Since he's not able to do anything, you have no choice already.

 

[sillywoman]

nolem, u chose to marry him despite the fact that u knw very clearly ur hb is a mother's boy! u r the one who make the decision to marry him so u must love him enough to bear with all those craps throughout the years.

u r probably tired & no energy to fight back currently! yes u need a break but to me it shld b a break free frm his family! u mention u 2 bought an apt why dnt just move out & start off a new family of ur own?

It is nvr easy to stay with in-laws & since there are so many issues & u r so unhappy abt what's happening daily then i tink the best way is to live on ur own. u 2 can go back for visit everyday or every wkend which ever works for u! To me the less meeting there is the less fights & unhappiness there will be!

So hve a gd talk with ur hb (try to come out with a solution than fighting with him) i believe u also dnt wan to end this marriage if not u will hve left him long ago! Try to calm urself down & talk to him & see if he is willing to move out with u (of cos without in-law)!

Lastly if u tink u hve enough of all these craps & is willing to let this marriage go without any regrets then do what is best for urself! Just be sure u r ready!!!

gd luck & all the best!

 

[pasir_ris_beach]

Nolem

Ok ok now the last question is hmmm... let's assume u might hv annulled the marriage in future, what shall your hub do if his mother pass on some day? and his sister's kid might hv grow up by then n might not need your hub's help so much.. Does his mum also want your hubby to die together n follow her to the afterlife?

 

[nolem]

Blur,
to yr question, i ever told hb that MIL is selfish in her thinking and never would i thot someone who claim to be traditional and son is v impt for her would do this. She wants her son to be at her side till she dies, care of her everyday. For as long as she lives, she wants security that she is well taken care off. She doesnt seem to care if son finds a life partner who will take care of him when he himself grows old and MIL not around.

Well, on yr second Q, after the SIL kids grow up, and if hb still remains single, financed for the house and in future when hb not 'around' aready, all his CPF+ savings+ property goes to next kin (SIL family, since PIL by then always now around). SIL/BIL can pop champgne! MIL no need them to take care and at end of day can get brother's inheritance!


Blur: Abt the afterlife concept, i think so leh.... if there is a spell for it, i'm sure she will cast it on hb.

 

[pasir_ris_beach]

then too bad, cant help it.

u assess your marriage n decide for yourself n your hubby.

 

[nolem]

advy: yr church provides counselling? where else can i seek counselling? i am not christian.

my PM is on

 

[zolyn]

Nolem,

Do you watch the TCS8 9pm "Housewifes on holiday"? Your MIL, is very simliar to the Ann's MIL in the show..

If you really let go this marriage, then before you go , you should give a good scolding to your MIL and SIL. Since you will not be related to them anymore..

 

[koikoi]

if u still love your hubby and not willing to give up without trying, then give ur hubby a chance to prove his love for u lor...
but u need to set a time for it...

From your post, can see that u still love your hubby alot but angry with him for not standing in your shoes...

everyone is selfish... now, stop harping on the MIL, SIL etc... Talk to your hubby again...
If he is trying to work all these out, then set a time frame for it... when the time is up, u have to decide and stand firm...

maybe one last try but dun drag it too long...
the longer u drag, the more u are unable to give up...

 

[nolem]

koi: i do not want to give him chance to prove himself, dun want to get more upset when the result is not what i expected.

hb will never see that MIL/SIL are selfish cos he is Mr Niceguy. As we know, the woman behind Mr Niceguy is not easy and i am calling it quits. I'm not a saint, i'm jus a woman who needs love n protection.

i think its not fair for him to throw in my face that i am feeling depressed cos i carry bagggage when all those nonsense was not put to a stop even after marriage and he still expects me to compromise.

 

[tomasulu]

i don't have a lot of sympathy for you since you married this guy knowing what you know. you were already in your late 20s so we can't attribute it to the folly of youth. and you were with him 4 whole years so it was not ignorance either. what were you thinking? if anything else, your husband should feel like he married the wrong person. you tolerated the situation before marriage and now you can't. you changed, not him.

having said that and since your husband is reading this... dude, it is about time you grow up and be the man of the family. take care of your wife because there ain't many as dumb as she was to marry you. if she kicks your sorry ass to the kerb, you better start to learn vietnamese. or thai. or be prepared to stay single the rest of your life.

btw, is your mum cantonese?

 

[dizonne]

hi nolem,

i can totalli understand wat u are going through...Coz im in e same situation as you..in fact, i tink worse...haha...

There are many a times when i feel tat i juzt cant tolerate animore, and feel like calling quits...but i hesitated..Coz i koe tat i stil luv him, and i believe he still luvs me..

Sometimes, we got to understand tings from the other point of view. Being brought up in this type of family, mayb ur hubby could be just used to it le...So he cant reali understand y we are kicking up such a big fuss...This is the same for my HTB.

i rem an incident when his mum called mi a slut and accused me of seducing his father...zzz..n he didnt stand up for mi at all...bt i still forgave him...

Sometimes, its not that HB dun wan to do aniting...bt he duno how to do..Yes, they are his parents and he has to tok to them..bt then is it worth sacrificing your relationship because of them?? they wun be e ones to accompany u 2 throughout your lives...

so once you find someone tat you reali luv, dun giv up...Proof to them that their son didnt make e wrong choice...

Love has alot of power to make people do tings that they will neva imagine doing...

Ultimately, its still your choice..

 

[greyarea]

if garmains=nolem's hubby, so what are you expecting your wife to do??? to obey your mum and close both eyes and ears? sacrifice all so that hubby can continue to be the filial son and overly doting brother and be hang by the nose????? you mean subjecting herself your mum's and sis's whims means loving you??? do you like your MIL to call your wife everytime both of you dating outside?? do you like to be tracked and asked to hurry home by your MIL everytime you're outside with your wife? you mean you're so saint that you can for 100 times tolerate this?

please lah.. if you want your wife to do treat to your mother or your sister nicer, first you need to stand up for yourself and do something which give her security and at least make her feel she's also one of your priorities.. how can you expect your wife to take all the nonsense and swallow everything when you dun even know how to protect her? you dun make her feel good, how can she have the heart to make your mother and sister feel good..

not saying you cannot be filial, not saying you cannot be a good brother, but you need to know the limit, you need to know when to draw the line.. for your own happiness, pls stand up for yourself for once..else you'll grow old and unhappy and all you do is fullfilling your mother and sister happiness. dude, you need to find a balance.. you're way off balance now!dun be a "yes, mum" man.. be a man who knows how to reason..

 

[sheezh]

What has being cantonese got to do with this..??

 

[canbear]

I sympathize with you, nolem....

This is one extreme case of a MIL I've heard of. I suppose there are a lot of WEIRD Chinese customs and behaviors (if you are brought up in a more liberal and Westernised culture) still practiced by the older Chinese folks. Eg: Pinning of the red flower. Sounds voodoo to me. And a lot of other practices...

Serious mental conditions aside, I think your MIL is paranoid. Probably she was brought up in a very strict environment that moulded her to be the way she is today.

You wrote a very lengthy post so I can see that you are very affected by your present situation indeed. And why not? I didn't read all, but from what I gathered, it seems you decided to go with the marriage while ignoring the difficult circumstances surrounding you. That is the danger.

Some women do this cos they are afraid to face reality. As in, they think the situation will improve, or somehow it will be tolerable later. Most of the time it can only be the same, if not worse. Others are afraid they can't find another guy if they let go of the relationship. Some ignore the warning signals simply cos they are too lazy to deal with them.

It's too late to turn back the clock. All I an say is, if indeed it makes you feel tormented, yes, you should be separated asap from your hb. Just for the record, I would if I were in your shoes. I can't stand all the nonsensical paranoia. I wonder how you could tolerate them for so long! Just reading it makes me feel nauseous man!

Just curious though.... How did you meet your hb and what did you see in him that made you feel you loved him? And besides the silly flower episode, how was the general flow of your wedding preparation and the actual day itself?

 

[the_giving_tree]

Nolem, the warning signs are all there during your courtship days that your hubby is a mama's boy and that both his mum and sister are control freaks. If he's not prepared to break free from the clutches of his mum's and sister's control, he will have to spend the rest of his life single and miserable because I don't think any decent human can live with it.

We may not be able to choose our parents but we can choose how we respond to our parents' unreasonable demands.

Side track a bit. I have a male friend who hails from another country. He is an only child whose mother is widowed. He has a couple of steady girlfriends over the years but chooses not to marry because he knows both his wife and his mum will never get along if he ever gets married and his wife has to live with his mum. He has no intention to move out and live on his own because he said his mum will get very lonely. He made his choice. He lives with it. At least he is upfront about it and his girlfriends are fully aware that their relationship will take them nowhere as far as marriage is concerned.

 

[shirleypoise]

Could tell that u r just looking for an avenue to vent your frustration and not looking for answers to your predicament cuz you already have a solution in mind.

From your story, I have a hinge that your MIL may not like you as her DIL. And I have as much suspicious as you do that garmains is your hb.

It was written in the Bible that when a man marrys a woman, he is to leave his family and cling to his wife. Man n wife form a family nucleus, both parents are out of this nucleus. Filial or not, if he cannot stand by you at all times, the marriage will only suffer (unless u r really long-suffering). It does sound like he is only interested in you gg thru bad times for him and not vice versa.

I would think that in your situation you only have 4 alternatives:
1) find opportunity to speak with your MIL about how her interferance is affecting your marriage. Ask her if she wants to see you two end up in a divorce. Most mums will want wats best for their children thus if she say "yes" u have an answer.
2) move out with him (he will have to stand up to his mum for sure)
3) go for marriage counselling together. If you can't let him see your point of view, a 3rd party will. No need to go for church counselling since you are not a christian. Family Service Centres will do. Look up internet for the one nearest to you. Even if you do decide to leave him after the sessions, at least he knows you've tried.
4) leave him

But before you make further move, think really hard: do you want to leave him?

Even though u r feeling all the frustration, when you speak to your hb, please refrain from using words that you use on your MIL n SIL (eg selfish) cuz you r referring to his family. You won't like it if he uses the same words on your family. You dun have to go there to make that point to him.

 

[icesugar]

Hi Nolem,

After reading thru this long long thread, may I know if in the first place, did the MIL agree to the both of u dating? Is there something u had done or said that have offended her even during ur dating days tat's why she's nv happy with u, thus asking ur hubby not to listen to u?

I feel tat about putting the red flower, it's really mean... ur MIL might as well go find a jiang4 tou2 and cast on u, to make sure u listen to her every command...

But i do agree with the others that think both of u shld move out n lead a life of ur own... it's really a pity that only after 3 months of marriage and you have to annul it... not worth...
Since u have a place of ur own, juz move out... despite all the disagreements that the MIL might have, since u have a place, move out... if after moving out, things still do not get better, den consider the annulment... at least u have tried ur best and there will not b any regrets...

 

[the_giving_tree]

I think it's a bad move to ask nolem to approach her MIL. Her MIL would surely not tell her in the face that yes, she hopes her son will divorce her (nolem) because that would surely cast hersef in a bad light! Worse, god knows how she would use this "confrontation" to her advantage and play the "victim". As such, it's better that he remains single.

The onus now is on her husband to deal with his mum and sister and put a stop to all their nonsense. Even if he were to remarry again, his new wife will face the same s**** as long as he continues to live under the control of these 2 women in his life.

 

[simpleman]

nolem,

Seriously, the problem lies with your HB.. yes MIL can be irritating and SIL demanding.. but who allowed them to be so?

It has been ingrained in them for so long. the expectations are there.. as all the while your HB allowed them to behave like that. You think that behaviour will change after marriage? Yes it is possible to change, but it has to come from your hb.

You can try to put the blame on MIL/SIL but the person that is going to solve all the problem is your HB.. those behaviours of MIL/SIL will only change when your HB decides to change.. else..

So, you are right. If HB thinks he is the one suffering (who isnt't) and won't do anything to tell off his sister and to communicate with his mother.. there won't be any solution. You are better out.

 

[simpleman]

You think moving out can solve the problem?

Firstly, will MIL allow that to happen. She may threaten suicide?

Secondly, if she calls non-stop.. and hb allows her .. still no end..

Maybe an oversea posting will help..

 

[thommy]

"ur MIL might as well go find a jiang4 tou2 and cast on u, to make sure u listen to her every command..."

dun be surprised if she has really done that...going by the extremes she's oredi gone to now. Is the thought of this scary? YES it is

nolem, if everything u've told us here is the truth, then I guess it's best to move on. No point waiting for your hubby to change and stand up for you cos he obviously won't. He's too weak to even stand up for himself, so how to stand up for u? Just feel sorry for u that u had to endure all these nonsense from all of them...the only mistake u made was hoping that marriage would change him and improve the situation...obviously this din happen.

And if ur hubby is reading this, I just wanna tell u that u really bring shame to us men. Letting women lead u by the nose all the time and failing to even take care/protect ur wife, esp when she needed u by her side most. I hope u stay single for the rest of ur life after this, dun drag another innocent girl down with u again, one is bad enough. Take it that ur wedding vows were literally thrown out of ur window on the very first day u guys got married.

 

[tan33a]

i think the worst part was the part whereby the hubby didn't even have the guts to go against his mom when he was not allowed to stay by her side when she was sick. damn, too much, isn't it?

it's 21st century.. still got such a mama's boy.. T.T. very sad, right? Nolem, i feel for you, girl. be strong, yea?

I think you've made the right decision..

 

[nolem]

Grey area: These are exact same sentiments. Regarding the phone calls, whenever my mum calls me, he'll then say 'see, yr mum also calls' But hey, my mum calls me to ask abt things etc, and she NEVER track our whereabouts nor hurry us home. I feel angry that hb insist if MIL cannot call him, then my mum also cant call me, must be fair

 

[zolyn]

Nolem,
Your hubby is caring towards his mom more than you. Then you should tell him to sleep next to his mom. Stay away for your bed.

You are working right? So i believe you have the ability to support your own living. Nowsaday, women is more independent than before. Be brave, move a step forward, you will see light sparks.

 

[thommy]

There's a difference between filial piety and blind submission. In Nolem's hubby's case, I would think it's the latter.

 

[dizonne]

nolem,
ur hubby exactly like my HTB...haizz...reading ur story reali sets mi mind tinking abt alot of tings...i dun wan to c miself in a situation like urs...

Having 2nd tots if i should continue with my wedding...

 

[nolem]

Mrs Ong : u wrote "It was written in the Bible that when a man marrys a woman, he is to leave his family and cling to his wife. Man n wife form a family nucleus, both parents are out of this nucleus."

Although i had never read any bible, i had actually explain this 'family nucleus' theory to hb. I told him exactly like what u mentioned. Also, if his uncle/aunty keep imposing on FIL at expense of MIL, does he as a son feels its proper? Likewise, i dun want my children to think why daddy always help aunty run errands and must wake up in middle of night to chauffer her around liek no taxi existed.

Btw, SIL is ELDER sis!!!! not as if she was younger which could have been more acceptable.

SUGAR: i asked hb before, why in his late 20s and never had one single gf brought home, why MIL NEVER asked abt it nor hurry him to settle down. Now i know the answer, cos MIL cant accept any other lady in the house or share her son, that's why she's perfectly ok that son stays single. More security for her.

When we started dating, she will give us black face and openly express her dissatisfaction when we leave the house to go outise for dinner. She will tell me in the face 'outside food not good, i so tired still cook for u all, never complain, but u all still chose to go out and eat... bla bla... as if going out to harmed her.

who?me? : she is teochew. But insist to practice such mean customs for the red-flower which ruin good r/ships. customs that enhance r/ships such as 4 dian gold, she dun want to give, citing only cantonese give DILs, she's not. But eventually after hb told her noadays ALL CHINESE give 4Dian gold, she told hb to buy, giving him a low budget which i could not even find a decent set in goldsmith shop. I was even embarrassed when the goldsmith aunty commented that my budget was low , given e high gold prices, can only choose v plain stuff. I tried to save hb's face, jus told aunty that its my own prefrence to like pain n simple small small jewel.

 

[nolem]

XiaoKeAi : my advise is to terminate the wedding preps if there are still time. I was kinda pressured to go into marriage after we bot the condo. I thot since he commited the new hse for my sake, i shld marry him, keeping the faith he will continue to do things for my sake. It clearly didnt happen. I regret now cos its more messy to get out of a marriage.

Nearing to my wedding date, i had doubts after MIL/SIL pattern comes out again E.g SIL will snatch to use the PIL car to go airport fetch her hubby instead of letting us use car to run errands for our upcoming wedding. We didnt go Seletar for my photoshoot as we intended cos SIL demand to use the car and we didnt hv chance to check out the place. Which is more impt? fetch own hubby fm airport (as if there is no cab and fare is <$15 or brother's wedding preps) I dun label her selfish for no reason.

 

[nolem]

Fauth: my own parents had warned me. Said the same to me, not to drink any water which MIL gives to me, in fear that she cast blackmagic on me. They also feel a woman who does such extremes is capable of anything. Blinded by deisre to possess and control.

 

[dizonne]

I have a strong feeling that his parents dun wan me to marry him. Y? Coz everytime we have appointments to see PG, VG, or BS, they alwaes make alot of noise..and nag at us for keep seeing wedding tings, sae we spend unnecessary $$..haizz..too mani tings happen to list down...

im in a dilema now miself...duno wat to do oso...

kinda lost faith in marriage le...

 

[dizonne]

u still can tell ur parents..i dun even dare to tell them..coz i dun wan them to worry for mi...smtimes, reali feel so lost and alone....

 

[tan33a]

XiaoKeAi,

not that i pouring cold water ya.. but if ur case is similar to nolem.. do u think u still wanna go ahead with the wedding..? i mean..if u're not so sure yet.. just postpone first, instead of calling it off.. to give yourself more time to think..

 

[nolem]

David : "And besides the silly flower episode, how was the general flow of your wedding preparation and the actual day itself?"

On my wedding day, after the red flower episode, i was so angry n upset. MIL went to complaint to hb, says i intentionally didnt talk to her that nite at banquet too, said i ignored her and i was disrespectful. I told hb, yes, indeed i was intentional, bcos i was so angry and sad, how can i possibly act happy and thank her for the 'auspicious' flower??? Btw, during banquet, which couple got time to sit down at table to talk to parents? Wasnt she aware couple had to go around the ballroom for toasting, prep march-ins, gown change etc?

And she says i am disrespectful.... now that i type this as i recall, blood starts to boil

 

[thommy]

xiaokeai: think wisely. diff btw u and nolem is that u can still step out w/o getting urself in a messy situation but nolem can't. dun follow in her footsteps in thinking that he will change after marriage, that's the mistake she made earlier.

 

[dizonne]

yaya...they alwaes sae we disrespectful..bt they neva tink abt whether they deseve our respect in e 1st place ma....

y shld we respect a person who doesnt respect us...

 

[dizonne]

frankly speaking, now im so overwhelmed with e renos, mi maid issue, marriage preps tat i cant tink straight le...

tink im going mad soon...