Devastated....Failed Marriage


_bb

New Member
all you need is time.. time heals all wounds..
happy.gif
 
Can anyone tell me what he meant that he needs time to piece all things together slowly? and he needs time to clear his mind although he claimed he ends his affair with the other woman but wanted to stay as friends with her.
 

_bb

New Member
blur: u refering to ur hubby..? (sry if i mixed up the wrong TS abt e 2nd affairs thread)

i guess ur hubby is refering to that he needs time to piece all the 'broken bits'.. those that had happened..

prolly he is unable to accept the fact of what is happening right now..

ask him go fly kite la.. why still friend with her!
 

_bb

New Member
'go fly kite' is my term of saying ask him go n die =X

ermm whether to stick or leave ur hubby, im not in any position to comment.. u shld ask urself what u want....

although there is a saying that leopard will never change it spots but I'm a person who don't believe in this saying.. because a person can change if he/she willing to..
 

mitlancer75

New Member
Dun be afraid to cry.. like my wife used to say, a emotional person who is not afriad to cry and share his emotion recovers faster (tats me). The one who keep eveything to herself and try to act strong in front of everyone recovers slower (tats her)...

Its definately worked.
 
I am this person whom is sharing my emotions and got support from several forummers here n my close friends n church friends n my immediate sister too.. i think i am recovering a bit faster. hopefully i can recover fully by end of this year n can stand n walk away with my head high up above the ground and be at peace with myself.

Today i can sense that i myself no longer angry towards this jennifer.
 
a leopard can change its spots.
some guys married ladies in the commercial body trade before and lead a pretty peaceful marriage life.
 
i doubt it.. the husband never changed at all for 7 yrs.. chasing n wooing my friends with the offer cash for sex till on that fateful nite on 7/9/11, my suspicious were confirmed with my friend's true account with the evidences from their iphone and msn conversations. Then I rushed home n immediately bashed the husband up.

do u think a leopard can change its spot?? I will believe only if the sun can rise from the west to east.
 

_bb

New Member
blur, as mentioned previously. a person can change if he/she wants to or willing to change.

hang on there ok? its never easy to deal with such blow that hurt our fragile hearts however i believe one day u will be fine.
 
BB< it is really hard to say since he said he lost feelings for me two or so years ago and he started playing n became emotionally involved with the other woman.. the other woman even brought him to her family n even went out together for family events with the other woman children and parents. what does this say abt him?

this is something not like affair but too deeply involved. He invested a lot in this relationship with her for 2 yrs or more or less.
 

_bb

New Member
blur, if thats is e case and what he did is hurting u badly, i urge u to do something to protect ur that fragile heart of urs..

are u a chinese? if yes i hope u understand e meaning of 人是犯贱的.

perhaps a day where u are truly gone from his life, then ur hubby will start to notice u and realised your good. only then he will regret.
 

simpleman

Active Member

perhaps a day where u are truly gone from his life, then ur hubby will start to notice u and realised your good. only then he will regret.


Is there joy to be derived when other people regret? Why such mentality? You can choose to be happy today and not wait till the day when the other party realize how good you are and regret. Make a difference to your life today. Rather than waste time hoping.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Who does a leopard change its spots?








By moving to another spot.

So don't be so uptight about things. There is no absolute in this world. Things can change for the better only if we want to.
 
SM

I received an sms from my hubby that at times he does regret going on affair with her n yes he did so much for her for the past years, yet she is so self-centred towards him and wont help him out when he is in serious trouble recently with those ppl chasing him for their money back. And i also refused to help him too for i wanted to protect myself but yet ended up being harassed by one debtor of his although no fault of mine. This debtor demanded for her $ back and vowed to seek revenge on my husband n told me she wont let me off just cos i have a kid. I was so stressed mentally that i broke down n cried in front of my church counsellor. I told her that i wanted to go home earlier n she was shocked. For few times i did have the thoughts of going home earlier but they discouraged me from thinking of going home earlier. In the end, i finally gave in n paid for his debt to this debtor and she thanked me. So hurted..

I cannot simply understand why this other woman is so selfish not to help my husband-her lover out a bit. He did a lot of wrongs just for helping her a lot n spending on her shoppings yet why she always ask for money from him n yet kept pushing him away when she was with her husband n kids. why cannot she just take my husband n kick her husband aside. She is a mother as well as a wife, why cannot she put herself in my shoes too?
 
I really dun understand why she is so selfish to want my hubby for his money when he has truly nothing in his name. no credit card, no car, etc and yet want her own husband to walk with her and grow old together. Now my husband is sick-got prolong cough and yet she dun bother to care for him.

Hmm yes i did think of walking out on him after few weeks, to be exactly 3 weeks from the night i discovered his affair. And he asked me to give us time to calm down n think thru. I had calmed down after some times. For my own safety, i cannot always live in fear for those loansharks to come after me since my husband chose to run away from them but does come home to sleep.
 

simpleman

Active Member
blur,

I think you should not be wasting time on wondering about why this and that. Her behaviour is none of your concern. Whatever you know about her (whether true or not) is immaterial.

Your problem is with your hb. Be very clear and focus about this. If your hb is giving you all sorts of reasons and telling how how that women is not helping him.. that what more is there to talk about?

Focus your attention on your lives. If you want want ask question, it should be about your hb.. and not about other women. Your hb is the only one you can influence, not the other women. Get your focus right. You are really wasting your time and energy on something that you have absolutely no control.

But really your hb is bullshitting you big time. If he wants to break with her - there is no half-measure. You can't be friends with lover if you want to break up and be with you wife. At least not immediately. The 1st golden rule of an affair break-up is 100% breakup with no contacts - email, sms, phone calls, etc etc etc.. At least until it is 100% broken and 100% reconcile with family. Friendship in the future may be possible but what is the point of such a friendship?

If someone is telling you he wants to break-up (and go back to wife) and still wants to be friend with lover - this is 100% bullshitting you. You can't have your cake and eat it.

You can only give him 1 option. Either 100% breakup - no contact - or you leave it. take it or leave it. There is no half-measure. No such thing as take time or worry about someone will commit suicide and such. If he says he needs more time, ask for specific time. And in the mean time you don't want anything to do with him. Ask him to get lost and sort his relationship out before coming back to you.
 
Yes he asked for 6 months break and still want to come home n care for us. Yet ask me to leave him alone to think thru on what he wants for himself.

And he is starting to quieten down but still remain friends with her due to a bit feelings for her after she chose to end the affair with him but yet wants to remain friends with him too. I dunno if he really guilty or not.

Right now she keeps smsing him and informed him abt her dad passing away last sun. And i also came to know abt her dad passing away thru another common friend of mine. this other woman n i have common friends in fact but not my husband. My husband and i dun hv any common friends at all.

so what shall i do since he still comes home daily and still send us to my mum place everytime kid with us or otherwise no sending me to work.. sigh. Shoudl I pretend everything is fine btw us? my friend said that it is common that most couples wont talk or sit down n chat or eat together but yet she found my case so unique that we could sms or chat or eat together.. sigh..
 

simpleman

Active Member
Blur,

I have said. When people in affairs want to break-up and still want to be friends - this is 100% bullshit. It is not possible, at least not immediately.

And if this is the scenario - they both want to be friends, sms, talk - then in effect they are just prolonging the affair (at least emotionally).

There cannot be half-measure.

But there are 2 approaches. Plan A is for you still to let him be him as he wishes to be - stil l come home daily, etc etc.. and you still be nice to him, pretend nothing is happening and everything is normally.. and hopefully in a couple of months he will be back completely with you. But you have to be prepard that this may not work out.. the most you can try this is 6 months and you have to be very strong and pretend to be ok and happy and be supportive towards him. Make him feel love again. It is not easy.

The other alternative is to ask him NOT to come home at ALL unless he agrees to condition:

a) 100% break-up. No SMS, phone calls (change phone no), email facebook, MSN with the other woman. No half measure. Even change job if possible.

b) Be 100% committed to the family.

If he cannot agree 100% to the condition, consider the relationship over - divorce on the cards.

He will feel the pain and will be forced into action. Either he gives up the family or he gives up the woman - no half-measure.

You should try Plan A for a while.. till you cannot take it.. then you try Plan B.
 

_bb

New Member
blur, leave your hubby. i agreed with sm wor.. i know is not easy but.. ur hubby sounded he wanna have e best of both worlds
sad.gif
 

_bb

New Member
exactly! your hubby wanna have the best of both world. Show him that you are a woman who doesn't like to share the husband with other females.
 
Ok guys, now things get complicated and I need some proper advise. My lawyer is kindda incapable of giving right advise and ask me file and file but not giving me a clearer picture. They just want to make money to some extend.

I was about to file 2 days ago until my lawyer postponed till early next week. This is what the situation in a nutshell is:

I am going to file, and she was notified by me. I told her that I am filing based on "Unreasonable Behaviour" and "3rd Party" involved which I will be puting that guy's name and details on paper. However, she sort of panick and her first message to me was, can I not file on the grounds of the 3rd Party? I begin to see some motive when she asked this and then following which, she said: "If I don't agree how?". To put it simply, she may fight this case if I file based on 3rd Party.

Essentially filing is inevitable at this stage, am I going to be fair and file based on grounds that both can't get along and cook up some stories or based on actual fact that I did caught her in the hotel? I do not have a PI nor a receipt proving that he and she is in the hotel nor pictures. Only SMS/Whatsapp conversation but that may relate to a intrusion of privacy and this app that I installed may have reasonable doubt if used in Court and the fact that I saw her coming down from the hotel. the hotel requires key card to gain excess up or down the premises... Quite obvious that she checked in.

Essentially, I am not prepared to fight this and just want to get it over and done with but when I hear that the way she discuss about the filing, she wants to fight the case and I cannot simply just be off-guard. I have began to be wary of things and I think it is ridiculous.

In additional, she cited 2 years unofficial seperation or just file a 3-4 years official seperation. In my mind, I rather just call it quits. I had enough and my work is slightly affected.

Or should I just leave it status quo and then file in the near future based on both can't get along?

Any kind advise here?

P/s: Recommendation on proper lawyers? Those I find really CMI... Charging me 3k to 4k for consented case still cannot give me good advise.
 

simpleman

Active Member
In the circumstances it is difficult to file based on "unreasonable behaviour" or "adultery" unless you have hard evidence by PI.

You may not like it but the best is to have an official separation (like signing a Deed of Separation) if both agreeable. then to file for divorce 3 years later based on separation for three years (both agreed). This will be as painless as it can be. You can start to have a new life right away and she too.

The actual reason 3 years later when you file - the lawyer can advise - should be something along the line of inconciliable differences and that the marriage has broken down irretrievably.

this is the best because you will take time to heal and in the mean-time you can have a great time and starting on a new life. In 3 years, the divorce is just a formality - painless and then after that you can get married again.
 
SM, which means if I file seperation, or like you said signing of Deed of Seperation, do I have to write anything or any statement? Can you briefly explain the process in general?

Correct me if I am wrong, filing seperation does not require reasons? and after 3 years, when file for divorce the reason can be based on seperation?

And what do you mean by start a new life immediately? During this 3 years, it also can be possible that she may engage PI to me and even plan her strategies to fight the case against me, this is not impossible because I personally went through it when my own parents file for seperation of 4 years following which after fighting the case and spent more than $14k and 5 years later, the case finally rest.... It was ridiculous.
 

simpleman

Active Member
You lawyer can draft a deed of separation for you - a couple of hundreds... but you have to make sure that both (you and agree) are agreeable to sign.

Yes. No reason for separation. Just to live different lives. No interfering with each other business. Also can mention about asset, money, etc etc and if have children can also mention.

Then after 3 years, just file for divorce.

Of course there are many people who don't sign deed of separation.. but just divorce after 3 years of separation. In fact some only separate for a shorter period of time but as long as wife/hb agrees is 3 years, who is to say it is not?

The best is to discuss with her. If it is freedom that she wants - she will readily agree. Unless it is others like money and such. Then you have to find a middle ground.

What is there to fight if it is not for money or children?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
SM is right.

By the way, you cannot file for separation like you can for divorce. Separation is not a legal procedure. You can agree to separate and record the items in your agreement with a lawyer in a deed of separation.
 
Yes, Deed of Separation or DOS in short is legal binding agreement mutually consented and listed by both parties and signed in the presence of a solicitor. Rather different from Juridical Separation and it's pointless for me. Divorce will only see more fights and cost involved.

She has just agreed by the way to this. Hence 3 years separation and there after either parties can petition to the Court for a divorce with the grounds of broken marriage and separated for 3 years. The Deed of Separation can be cited as a reason for divorce.

This is the route I am going at least I can sleep better for the days to come. Monday will be doing it. I simply had enough and still kind not to file based on Unreasonable Behavior due to 3rd Party...

It is time I do what I want instead of betting on blackjack without seeing the cards.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Deed of separation is not a legal binding agreement. It is a private written agreement between a couple who agree to live separate lives prior to divorce, and you sign the agreement in the presence of a solicitor.

Separation is still separation whether DOS is present or absent. Separation is still separation even if one party disagrees.

While it takes two people to build a relationship and to agree to marry, It only takes one person to call it quits.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"I simply had enough and still kind not to file based on Unreasonable Behavior due to 3rd Party... "

Don't see this as an act of kindness.....what is stopping you could be the fact that you yourself are not ready to deal with a divorce now. This is ok. Separation is a normal prelude to divorce.
 
Nah, I had enough totally. Calling it the end.

Deed of Separation may be used in Court if dispute arised from the filing of divorce at the later stage. It is meant to protect either party should there be any disputes or arguements arising within the DOS period.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Your lawyer is fleecing you. change to another one.

It is just a piece of documents - a couple of pages.

and just needed to be signed.. not complicated court procedures..
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
$2.5K was all I paid for my entire divorce proceedings. But that happened four years ago and with inflation over the past few years, it should be more costly now.

Not trying to discourage you from doing a DOS but you need to be aware that you may still end up feeling frustrated and dejected in the long process especially when you can't reach an agreement. Just remember this, with or without a DOS the separation would still be effective as long as you truly live a separate life from the wife.
 

_bb

New Member
hais...

marriage costs a bomb (bridal gowns packages, photoshoot, rings, AD n etc)

divorcing oso cost a bomb
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no wonder lesser pple are willing to marry nowadays..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Car cost a bomb and is worth just the scrap value in 10 yrs but I don't see how it is decreasing in numbers.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Hard to quantify in such generic terms. Ask Tiger Woods if his marriage or divorce costed him a bomb. We don't stop at just finance figures as well.

When one is enjoying the process or wanting it so badly, its money well spent. It becomes costly when we don't really believe, being forced into or see the value in it. When one can't wait to get married or divorced, its worth every cent.
 

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