Devastated....Failed Marriage

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italianosportivo

Member
Blur, take some time off to cool the both of yourself. It is very very difficult but you guys need to really reflect. Trust me, being together and try to resolve some times may affect how you perceive what should or should not do, believe or don't believe, right or wrong. Think seperately, calmly and more importantly, find yourself first and this applies to both of you.

Never leave the marriage because of hate. It's more painful. Why and what will also hurt you more. Find yourself, open the heart and be the one forgiving the person. 2 wrong doesn't make one right and remember in my first few post, "to err is human, to forgive is devine". You are irrationale now and he made a mistake, if both don't take a step back and think, both are trying to force each other out of the same door... will this give happiness? No. You too ain't perfect, you make mistakes too and when the situation is turned, you would also want the other party to forgive you and move on and not dwell on it like what happened to me for past few years of my marriage. It becomes a ticking time bomb.

Love yourself, your kid and your husband but I guess you both really need time to think properly. Don't make the same mistake as I did.
 


A

arsenal_84

Member
mr Zidane, at least you can congratulate yourself for getting out of a pointless situation in your 1st rs.
bravo for making a decent decision in an indecent time.
i too, got out of the ktv scene after three sessions, never look back since then.
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
To the guys out there... Don't do things that you regret during the spur of moment to satisfy the immediate pleasure but not a long term happiness or to fill the broken side of the heart and emotions. I too have been asked to drink for past few days at KTV and stuff... But sorry, I stayed at home to do some soul searching...

I am always a faithful person, sentimental and will always be like this, regardless how much my other half has done wrong. You may regret it one day if your new other half finds out or you decide to forgive your ex or even yourself.

Make the right choices, be good and love yourself. Do the right thing and respect yourself. There is love in the world, just that you need to open your heart to find it and not the easy way out.

Cheers.
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
Zidane, it took Thomas Edison 6,000 times to find out how to make the light bulb don't work but only 1 time to make it work. It was a lifetime of commitment for him to make sure that he keeps trying to succeed.

We cannot give up because of 1, 2 or many failed relationships. It only makes us stronger and more importantly, better. When the day comes you found the right one, isn't it a lifetime of love and smiles?

Don't forget, we must take risk, always take calculated risk and that's inbuilt in us. In a way a leap of faith. If not, we would still be caveman today if humans are not risk takers. Caveman took the risk to explore the world and walk out of dark to find light. That's us...
 
P

pasir_ris_beach

Member
torn guy i wish i could heed your advice but i really cannot think properly right now on what shall i do. Last night he asked me if okay to attend the K2 graduation for our boy together as he wanted to witness this important event of his son together with me.
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
Blur, slowly... Take a step at a time. Give yourself some space first and think. I do not have a kid but I myself came from a broken family. Regardless of the 2 of you, you son is the most important and a priority. Make sure he doesn't get hurt. You got to hold it there and I am proud of you, as a mother. It isn't easy to hold your emotions, think straight and also take care of your son.

Pray and get some enlightment and I will for you and believe some who are here. You got to give time, what is few days and weeks or even months of space compared to a lifetime of joy and love if everything is on the right track.

Take care, we are here to support and encourage each other. I ain't feeling good, but sure better than the past few days.

Smile, force yourself to smile...and be persistant on it. And slowly, your smile will be natural and will perk you and your son up.

P/s: Don't fly...you yourself take baby steps. Tell your hubby let's take some space to think but don't affect your son. In a way, the space may mean don't discuss things first, argue or even quarrel, just be normal, everything calm first. Once you found yourself and straighten your thoughts, then talk to each other. This is easier. But never, never put a timeline for this... Just be natural ya.
happy.gif


Take care.
 
S

susanna_low

New Member
Junkie, u also like this song? I like 3 versions too, v nice n nvr failed to touch my heart whenever I heard it (^_^)

Blur, sorry to kpo abit, is this ur 2nd marriage? If I nvr rem wrongly, u annul on the 1st one?
 
S

susanna_low

New Member
Blur, Nt relevant but i read up ur post many yrs ago while preparing for my marriage and if I'm nt wrong, u hv ur wedding on pasir ris beach with balloons ? U sounds really happy and carefree then..

And after the yrs, I nvr sense much happiness fr there...perhaps the road ahead will be bumpy, however it's
time to pick urself up n to find the smile in u again..
 
infojunkie

infojunkie

Active Member
yes susanna, i like all 3 korean ver... in my playlist from last x'mas till mid jul
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absolutely dig the drama too... it has mass appeal... brilliant dialogues from a brilliant script writer
happy.gif
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
Anyway...I feel fresh today (a tad tired tho). I smiled a bit more and I finally managed to get some sleep yesterday. Not hiding the fact that hope still lingers but hatred and to know why and what is slowly flowing away. And my colleagues ask why my eyes are so puffy and I said could be infection...lol. Really puffy and dry...

A better man I will be ya...
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I will definitely pass this on, in a way of encouragement to others. Speak your mind and heart here. Am here to lend a hand, a shoulder and listening ears...always.

Have a good morning to all!
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
Ok, too much sorrows here...bit of a joke but there is a lesson to learn here:

1st year students of a University were attending their 1st anatomy class. They all gathered around the surgery table with a real dead dog. The Professor started class by telling two important qualities as a Doctor. The 1st is that NEVER BE DISGUSTED FOR ANYTHING ABOUT BODY, e.g. He inserted his finger in dog's mouth & on drawing back tasted it in his own mouth.

Then he said them to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes. But eventually everyone inserted their fingers in dog's mouth & then tasted it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said: The most important 2nd quality is OBSERVATION, I inserted my Middle finger but tasted the Index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

Moral : Life is tough but it’s *a lot tougher* when you are *not paying attention*
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
Another one to perk the day up!

* I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Cheque books.

* The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

* What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

* What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

* Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

*Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

* Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

* Q: What's the diff between mother & wife? A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

* Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
Haven't been used to watching movie alone or with friends for a long time... Gotta watch Johnny English soon, may watch it alone. Lol... I love movies!

Ok, I talk too much..
happy.gif
 
S

simpleman

Active Member
torn guy,

I feel the best approach, given the circumstances and her wanting of freedom - is to let her go. Just separate - lead separate life. Have a deed of separation if she is agreeable. Ask her to move out. Give her freedom.

And this may be the only way to save the marriage or to confirm that it is gone. With the current situation, anything you do is just going to prolong your agony and suffering. It will just delay everything.

By separating from her, your recovery will be much much faster... yes, more intense pain in the near future but you will be much much better in a couple of months.

Time is one of the most wonderful healing agents. The other is your mind.

I know it is still early days. The wound is still raw. But you got to start somewhere.

Don't have to talk about divorce now. Just separate and she will know that you can't have her cake and eat it. She too has to face up to the consequence of her actions. She wants freedom but it means there is no safe habour for her at home.
 
S

simpleman

Active Member
Watching movies alone is really fine. I do it on a random basis.

But for the "Johnny English" movie, I will be enjoying it with my daughters.
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
Simpleman, she has already moved out since that incident. I don't really want to talk about why and what so just leave it as that. I have already forgiven and move on. There is no point in harbouring more thoughts of why, what, hatred and blame which is still the ultimate cause of the pain. Forgive and move on is what I think the best for me now, at least in my context because end of the day, I am also at fault for neglected her, ignored her when she was shouting for me (metaphor)... I too make mistake.

As for the divorce, I am still going through with it. Just that I am clearing my mind in these 2 weeks to properly, calmly and fairly file the papers like in my email to her.

Savage or not, hope or not is not important. Time to do what I think is right, but at least my communications to her expressing my thoughts on whatever it is, there is still love. Whether she listens, fake or provide lip service, my sane state of mind is to just do what I need to do, say what I need to say. I do it with an open heart, a forgiving heart. Same thing goes to charity, after so many cases of charity gone bad, are you saying you going to stop giving charity and volunteer work? Or you give with an open heart?

To each his/her own. You may not be wrong but I think we deal with different situation on a case by case basis and, people can change, for the better or worst, it will. We can't simply label all man or woman are the same.

Above said are without prejudice. Thanks.
 
S

simpleman

Active Member
torn guy,

I can see that you are pretty sensible.

To let go of someone we love is one of the greatest thing that we can do.

As i said, time is the best healing agent. And with an open mind, you may be surprise that youre "failed marriage" can bring you other wonderful things.

But frankly speaking, at your stage you don't have to talk about divorce yet. Yes, divorce may be the eventuality but just let nature take its course. Of course if you feel like divorcing now - go ahead.
 
S

susanna_low

New Member
junkie, I am now going craze catching up on the drama..and everywhere in Taipei, I heard this song and its theme songs fr the drama, luv it to bits ^-^

Torn, u sounds like a homely guy. Don't always cope at home, it's good to pick up your life once again. I'm 1 of those who really enjoy spending time alone swimming, window shopping and eating in a restaurant while flipping magazines/newspaper and recently, I've picked up some new hobbies too. The key point is to plan and find something to do.

If you don't like sleazy places, you can actually find some nice n relaxing places to chill with your friends instead.
 
infojunkie

infojunkie

Active Member
I

italianosportivo

Member
Ok guys...I did something stupid today. Really stupid. But let's not talk about it. Time to move on.

Ting, I will from now on...I will.

Facebook just created!
happy.gif
Those that wish to add me just drop me a msg. Gotta start new life somewhere ya... Cheers!
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
But come to think of it, now the dog with me, I need to be responsible... Can't be out whole day if you get what I mean. She has got to eat, clean and walk her. So some times just got to plan...
 
P

pasir_ris_beach

Member
torn guy, i dun think u need to get whacked lah....

update a bit.. seem things "back to normal" but the other husband still hang on to the other lover. and the husband still afraid of me whacking him . Somehow i feel quite tired now. gonna be a walking zombie...
 
S

susanna_low

New Member
junkie, Tks for sharing!
u saw tt part on when he's jailed and he saw the drunkard wearing the same bling suit too!
I laughed like hell on the parts he turned into a sissy, like him ever since the jin san soon show ^-^ luv the magical theme in the show.

Torn, I reckon the stupid part is something tt gotta to do with ur ex.. :p

Haha yeah..I think u gotta re-adjust your lifestyle, bring him along still can..

Blur, who's the other husband?
 
S

susanna_low

New Member
It takes time, my dear..tt's y i say, it's impt to find activities to occupy urself..

It will definitely gets better as each day goes by.
 
P

pasir_ris_beach

Member
ting yi. it is my husband lah. and the husband is actually afraid of me beating him up too hard. I admit i lost my coolness when i beat the daylight out of him upon discovering the husband's unfaithfulness combined with my suspicions. He begged me not to beat or whack him as he is now fearful of me. At least for now we had a frank talk recently n i m going to see the counseller for the marriage woes after work today.

Dun think he will stop the game with his lover. i do not understand what he meant when he said he wont leave me for her/marry her in the end but insist on wanting to care for me n kid. and just dont bother him too much. i still dont know what he actually wants now. he still remain with her n support her .. funny rite... the husband of mine is actually supporting the other woman, her own children n the other woman's husband too! omg... he told me he actually pity her so that is why he stays with her.. he said that i m much better than her in term of everything, for eg, financial, family support, job, etc n yet can remain humble while she is struggling to make ends meet n support the whole family n husband so that is the reason she still with my hubby for financial support. for eg, u give me sex n i give u money and whatever u want for a good life. and yes feeling involved too.
 
P

pasir_ris_beach

Member
I dun really pity the other woman cos she deserved a lousy husband n chose to prosititue herself for more money to support her ex husband's children. i wonder how she as a mother teach her children with right values. Frankly i lost respect for this kind of woman cos she fucked outside while married with two children. She brings disgrace to the motherhood.
 
infojunkie

infojunkie

Active Member
"tt part on when he's jailed and he saw the drunkard wearing the same bling suit..."

best part of it all - the drunk's name is "Hyun Bin"

1787380.jpg

입구ì—ì„œ 현빈 means "Hyun Bin at the entrance"

reaction from the real mccoy: http://www.kdramachoa.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/HyunBinSecretNight1.jpg
lol.gif


ref: http://www.dramabeans.com/2010/12/secret-garden-episode-9/

and yeah, i like him since sam-soon days, he belongs to the rare breed of young korean actors who can actually act and handle emmotion ranges from tender to violent passion... another one that comes to mind is Jo In-sung... gotta be very selective when it comes to viewing korean/japanese trendy dramas...

ah-oh think i talk too much.. time to stop :X
 
A

arsenal_84

Member
well blur, you don't need to pity her since girls throughout the world never really pity each other.
perhaps you have no idea to what extent a mother will do, in order to give her kids a decent life.
while jobs are aplenty in sg, how many of these jobs really pay well ?
don't forget the govt in some ways, are also indirectly increasing competition for jobs among locals by importing FTs.

somehow i feel your hubby is deeply involved with her to an extent that he prefer pay and develop feelings for her rather than a simple pay and no feelings situation with a FL.
 
P

pasir_ris_beach

Member
i dun think so cos i know this gal since many years ago. she was a bitch whom broke up several couples and even a few marriage too. this gal is not a good gal and dumped her children with her father n friends jsut to party n find sex outside. many of her peers knew she has a very tainted record that they steered clear of her and even protected their other halves.. Not only that, she even approaches her female friends for their husband or boyfriend's contact no... what do u think. why she want her friends' husbands/boyfriend contact no? what is her motive? For we dont know.. and now she targetted my hubby n successfully got him. Oh Lord, have mercy on my soul. She aproached one of my close friend n pestered her to bring her husband along so that she could make friend with her husband.. can anyone tell me what is her purpose?
 
P

pasir_ris_beach

Member
Right now i asked my church friends to rally ard me for support and i understand that the road ahead will be most hard n it will be much more difficult to be normal. I really sad that my husband lost his sense of direction n his faith is not stable..... but i need to try my very best to be calm n prepare for the worst.
 
A

arsenal_84

Member
then i guess she's just a whore by nature who prefer to take the fastest method of earning money, always networking for clients.
your husband should just treat her the way she deserved to be treated like a FL, pay and forget.
however, i do sincerely hope she used the money to better the lives of her children.

and what's up with the KC ?
seems to me, he's like an emotionally weak fellow.
 
P

pasir_ris_beach

Member
KC??? u knew my husband?

yes she used the dirty money for herself first, her own needs then children welfare.

initially he did treat her as a plaything till he heard her sad sobs bullshit stories that he started developing feelings for her.. she is very good at making sobs stories one.

he kept saying male rabbits are like taht, not faithful... oh come on who does he think i am ?? 4 or 5 year old gal? Oh please he can have the courage to overcome the temptations and remember his faith but he did not . he allowed himself to be led by the small head.

I tried very very best to help him alot till now i am physically n mentally exhausted. yet i want to continue caring n love n stand by him.
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
Guys... I don't think we should be judgemental for now and point fingers.

Blur, do what you have to do. Like myself, it is easy to see a other's flaws but never our own. No one is perfect and some how or rather, am very sure that either party or both may have taken each other for granted and/or neglect at some point of marriage. What you need to do is to be calm. Sort your emotions first, then think properly what could have been done to prevent all these from happening. It took 2 hands to clap.

By thinking about this incident, it will not help. It just fuels your anger and hurt. When all is calm, do some reflection and then see what are the ways and avenues to bring this marriage back. Don't think for yourself only but also your little one. Although I may not have kids, but I came from a broken and abusive family when I was young. I had to go through the stage of choosing which side I am taking and trust me, being the kid myself, it somehow left me a fear and really not good for upbringing.

Remember we are not perfect. Look for ways to see past the flaws of others, reflect on oneself and first step is not blame, but to see if savaging this marriage is possible.

Like myself, am still emo about it. But I need time to sort myself too... Not an easy road but we just have to take it easy on ourselves. Haha, my appetite still bad till now.
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
Who is not desperate in nature? Who never had fantasies and harbour thoughts of having fun for the thrill of it to fulfill that side of the heart...the naughty side in short. It is how to control ourselves individually and at the same time, being open and voice things out. If every bad thing becomes judgement day (like what happened to me), then it is not easy to see things what's right or what's wrong. What can be forgiven and what can be forgotten...
 
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pasir_ris_beach

Member
torn guy, yeah u have good points but how to sort out my emotions.. Now and then i still break down n cry at my workstation. how to focus on working well. i still feel painful.. I admit it is my flaw that pushed him away and he admitted he is not the type that can be faithful too..

haha me too.. for a week i lost a couple of weight.. my dad commented i look haggard n thin sigh..
 
infojunkie

infojunkie

Active Member
"I came from a broken and abusive family when I was young. I had to go through the stage of choosing which side I am taking and trust me, being the kid myself, it somehow left me a fear and really not good for upbringing"

very true. never put ur kids into that difficult situation if u really love them.
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
Blue, Emotion roller coaster is part n parcel of this and I am starting to deal with it... (Am still going through it).

You definitely need to cry, you definitely need to break down. I don't want to shower you with any good words... Yes, it will hurt.

I suggest is that if you have good friends, talk to them. This is only helping 20% to 30%. The more you talk, the more you can see things better. The more you think on your own, the more you only see pain, flaws, what he has done and etc...

You will lose weight definitely, but look, don't keep thinking about whether you can eat or not...control makes it worst, just let go first. Whatever it is, NEVER...never affect the little ones....NEVER! He/she will be your motivating factor.

Now is your turn to take baby steps. You sure going to fall, then stand up, then fall again and again and again. But slowly like I posted earlier, Thomas Edison took 6,000 times to find ways of making the light bulb "not work"... But just 1 to succeed. We all have to try, running away is not the solution...together or not in future, you got to face this some how or rather, to make yourself a better person and not re-enact this in future if this marriage continues or you have new love.

So cry, break down...take a day off really. You need to break down. Then when the tears are dry, you can think properly with your mind... But you will sure break down again. That's healing...
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
Junkie, yes, it's true...

Folks here, NEVER NEVER NEVER, and I must really repeat never point your kids as the factor for a divorce. It happened to me... My dad constantly blamed me for causing my parent's marriage to fail... I am less than 10 years old fyi. Even if you don't say, the little ones may think they are the cause of it... so please, spare a thought for them! Harsh it may sound, but this is a lifelong hurt that you may create for your kid.

Kids, priority now. Period. Then, take time to cool off and think properly.
 
A

arsenal_84

Member
but seriously want to fool around, why bothered getting married then ?
you can have all the fun in the world when one is single.
 
I

italianosportivo

Member
Arsenal...everything is easier said than done. Really. As I mentioned, we point fingers at other's flaws and we never point ours. Even though we may identify some flaws of our own, but those that mean all of it? Does that mean we can change it? And finally, change for what we think is right? Morally?

Self reflection is the hardest thing, try meditating, real meditation is not easy. My friend went to Nepal for nearly 1 year to try to find himself after a failed marriage. There was this monk he told me said, just sit there and think for yourself... The day you can hear yourself by not speaking (In layman terms not opening your mouth) is the day you find peace and truth in your mind and heart...

He sat at the same spot (of course food and rest other place) for nearly 1 year... Then he managed to find himself....
 
A

arsenal_84

Member
you know as a single, one has absolute freedom to live his/her physical life the way they see fit.
i never have, or ever will need, anyone's permission to do so.

each and everyone's is answerable to his/her very own inner demons, that then is self-reflection imo.

never really understand why don't ppl have all the fun they want before they settle down ?
 


P

pasir_ris_beach

Member
Agreed... right now i also wanted to get away from here but stuck with my kid. He is going in Pri 1 next year.

Am doing that as torn guy pointed out in earlier posts but very hard to face at home.

Last night while eating bkt food, the moment the call came in n the husband picked hp up, i immediately felt my anger rushing up and i turned my head away from seeing his hp n looked at the passing cars (in mind, is the woman smsing him again- i cannot stand it) and he asked me relax n showed me his hp message. After taht we went mustafa for buying things, i tried to keep a distance away while walking ard. he kept on walking side to side with me. it was the most hardest thing to do and yet i m doing tat. At the same time i kept wondering and wondering if he brought the other woman here or there when he drove past.
 
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