Unreasonable Dowry

soontobe

Member
Snowy, you are so lucky.

It's quite scary to hear about these...I hope my mum won't ask for too much. My FH & I won't be able to pay this much, as we need to cover the cost of the entire wedding ourselves. My MIL doesn't have much money to help either.

Anyway, I'm still planning to contribute the same household money (or at least 90% of what I'm giving now) to my mum after marriage (my FH agrees too). So hopefully that will cover the Pin Jin for the AD.
 


afcai

New Member
Hi Snowy,
yup, my GDL is 2 wks fr my AD. ypu, u are indeed lucky to have a gd in laws and parents who are willing to assit u in fincance. Holding a wedding is not only a big events but also a big finance expenses. so one need to have some financial planning and saving. in addition to that, reno , new home, new furniture add to the expense. future expense like daily expense and future kids to have etc...

same here, I prefer cash than jewellery, no pt havign so many and dunno where to keep.:p

Hi Soon-to-be,
do plan financially cos there are a lot of things to look out. it can be stressful esp one is doing renovation and preparing wedding at the same time.
 

afcai

New Member
Hi (luvvy05),
some things were good to remember while some were not. I'm sure there were some sweet and memorable things for u to think bck. why not put aside or forget abt the unhappiness thing. l also got a lot of wedding conflict too and also ppls fly me kite during wedding saying that they sure will attend but... however, there are other memorable thing.


what is impt is not the preparation of the marriage tought if thign goes smoothly, of cos it is best. it takes 1 day to WED only but marriage is a life time commitment whereby u and yr hubby go through for life to face the ups and downs. what is most impt is how yr hubby treat u presently... so dun think so much.
 

blurbaby

New Member
Hi,

I am new to this thread.... Well, from my discussion with my mummy.... She did indicate that the tables given to her, AP will be kept by her... Not sure if she will ask for alot of PJ? But she did mention if we wanted to invite more relative (cos my family very huge population keke!!!) she will pay for the other tables...

Hope by the time my turn come.... Will be a better situation in 2 yrs time...
 

cutedemon

New Member
seems like a lot of people having problem with pil n parent during the guo da li. My mum is asking for 1888 which she will return 888. she say she will use the money to give ang pow on my ad and buy jia chuang for me. she requested 15 tables in Sarawak (i am from sarawak) and about 2 table in singapore.

After come to tis thread realise mostly mum only requested 10tables n below.
 

juanjuan

New Member
hi all..just wana share wif u all my situation...

my family not so well to doa nd my hubbys also..me and my hubby paying for everything..de dinner de jia zhuang and everything by ourselves...

my mum nvr ask for any tables..annd will return any AP given to her...she only ask for 200 pin jin...i will help her pay for de buffet dat will be in my hse during tea ceremony

as for dowry....she is also not giving me any...

i oredi told my mil not to buy me any gold or wat for de tea...just tell everyone gib me cash....

my situation bad?
 

cutedemon

New Member
juan,
i will suggest you let your mil use your gold (white gold or yellow gold) on ad. It will look nicer lor. Just need her to put on for u.
 

bubnbut

New Member
hmm..

my MIL didn't mention anything abt dowry nor pin jin..my mum didn't wanna anything except "si dian jin" n pig trotters..but i didn't dare to tell my MIL abt the "si dian jin"..i juz feel scare so i told my hubby no need to get it since juz wear it for 1 day..but he insist..coz he say every girl muz hv tt when they're marry..n on AD it'll look nicer loh so he'll be paying for himself..

hmm..im curious..wat really shd one another side of the family give each other? my hubby cantonese but parents divorced so follow his mum as a hokkien..im hokkien..but follow my mum as teochew coz she more like a yi jia zhi zu..
 

kenjoc

New Member
Hiyee to all!

Me getting married in Dec.. But I still dunno when is the GDL..

Is it a must that my FIL needs to come over to "ti-qin"? Cos my mom insist that they should have come over to "ti-qin" before we settle on the hotel, BS thingy. She is not happy lo.

Is "ti-qin" goes together with GDL?

I actually quite worried that my mother will ask alot, then my FIL will think my mom materialistic lo. Did try to ask my mom what she wants, she replied "dunno yet".

Sigh~ Hope someone can advise and feedback to me..
 

winterwhite

New Member
Halo to all brides to be..
happy.gif


can i check when is the 'ti qin' supposed to be? Right now i am looking for AD banquet,alrdy rom..but dunt know how to begin for the AD part..should PIL ask my parents on the no. of tables on the day of 'ti qin'? me very blur,coz heard that we shld have the estimation on the number of tables 1st in order to proceed with the reservation( have to book at least half a yr in advance otherwise venue will be taken up?) Im quite confused..:p If the GDL & pin jin is a few weeks b4 the AD then.. is that consider as 'ti qin'? Also, wouldnt this be to late to book for AD venue? Pls help..
happy.gif
 

auldreay

New Member
"Ti Qin" is your hubby must bring his parents and a matchmaker to your place with gifts to ask your parents for your hand in marriage. You parents will then proceed to agree and let them know what they want, eg. 20 tables for banquet, S$XXXX for pinjin, how many wedding cakes (for GDL), etc. This can he held anytime. The earlier the better as you need to book banquet etc.

THen during GDL, is the exchange of gifts. This is usually held 2-3weeks before the wedding.
 

soontobe

Member
I didn't go thru the Ti Qin portion. Have already booked the banquet & BS. My mum said don't need to meet up so early to discuss about GDL.

But leh, my FH did pop by to tell my mum officially that we want to get married lor.
 

summer17

New Member
I am a Hokkien. Can someone tell me what are the standard items (and extravagant items) for GDL to ask from my FH? What is the market rate for ping jin?
 

winterwhite

New Member
Hi All,

thanx Yafang for your kind infos.

btw, for the ping jin part, lets say if the bride's parents ask for xxx amount, does it have to follow strictly to the amount?
 

skk

New Member
I'm getting married in about 6 mths time (Some sort plan by my FH and I approved by parents). Our parents only meet each other during our ROM. Haven't settle down to discuss any thing regarding our marriage. I've tried asking my parents and FH about what we should do for our custom wedding, but no body give me any answer. Am I too kaisu? But my friends who are getting married after me started planning and prepare for theirs last year.
 

auldreay

New Member
winterwhite, pin jin must give how much your mum wants lor...

like my mum ask for S$8888, but hor...she gonna return everything and keep S$8 onli..heehee...her daughter not worth anything...haha...no la..she know we pay for everything on our own and we on tight budget, so she dun wanna ask for too much also..:p

so u gotta ask your parents first...dun ask too much cos will look greedy...if wanna ask for nice number like my mum, then must tell them to return more also lor...
 

winterwhite

New Member
Hi all,

thanx Yafang for your advices.
I have a fren who got married early this yr.. how parents didnt say how much they want for pingjin..just said any amount will do.. even my fren kept asking, they say anthing, in the end, with my fren persisted, her parents said $68 & didint want any tables too. She & hubby gave $188 for ping jin in the end as they say piesay to give $68.. In the end, the parent kept $68 & return the rest. So wandering isit ok to give abit more?
 

kitty_teow

New Member
my dad oso say anyting when my PIL ask him abt the pin jin... jus understd frm my MIL that we gals will need to bring new stuff over to our FH place, like: new shoe, new clothes, etc
 

kitty_teow

New Member
hi soon-to-be
as for me, we hv choose a auspicious date for my FH to come over to my house to ti qin.. usually can b few mths or so
 

auldreay

New Member
soon-to-be, "ti qin" should be as early as possible
happy.gif
Cos need alot of time to iron out the small details
happy.gif


winterwhite, actually, you should ask your parents how much they want, then give more cos they will need to return. Whatever gifts given during GDL, your parents need to return part of it de...

My mum want tables, 14 tables, but AP we keep...got profit then share with her...cos she also worried we dun have enough cash cos ILs are so demanding, want everything and dun wanna pay...
 

soontobe

Member
Really har? I didn't know need to be so troublesome...

Initially we plan for reunion dinner on CNY eve for both mums to meet, and my mum said it was too early (me getting married in Dec this year). So, I tot we can wait till she wants to meet my FMIL lor.

Now, she's complaining (sort of lar) that when are they coming to my place and ti qin...wait till Ghost Month meh? *faint* Problematic......

Anyway, thanks for the advise. I've already asked my FH to choose a few good dates with his mum, and then we asked my mum when is the best time for her.
 

auldreay

New Member
Soon-to-be, actually should meet first, even if not officially 'ti qin', should at least let them meet up first
happy.gif
Let your parents have a 'feel' of what his parents are like so they will know what to do during 'ti qin'...

Eh, the your wedding prep hor, wotever can buy now, buy now...whatever can confirm now, confirm now...reason being soon it will be Qing Ming, followed by Ghost Month then it will be the last few mths b4 wedding, so everything will be v hectic for you...

Things like PS, gowns, jiemei dress, car, food (banquet or catering), VG, PG, can settle early, settle early...better for your pocket also...cos you slowly pay off everything instead of 1 shot all savings gone...

I settled most of my wedding stuff last nov/dec and now just waiting for the date to arrive...plus ILs give ALOT of probs...so thankfully now onli need to iron out those probs...no need to worry about the details of the wedding le...if not will die ar...
 

winterwhite

New Member
Hi xuefang,thank you for helping.
Didnt know there are so many things to look into for the chinese ceremony.. and dowry is only a small part of it. When i had my rom last yr, my PILs didnt come to 'ti-qin' as we having the AD like maybe 1-1.5 yrs later..so if now looking into the preparations, does my PILs still need to come & ti qin first b4 begining? me very confused..:p coz now at the search of AD venue but need to know the number of tables.. dint know how to start right now. ti qin first or not or how?
crazy.gif
 

auldreay

New Member
Winterwhite, have to 'tiqin' first cos tt is when your parents will tell them how many tables they want.

You can actually sound out your parents first also. Ask them to count how many tables are needed and at least give you a rough estimation.
 

afcai

New Member
Hi winterwhite,
for me, I didn't go throu any "tiqin' even the Gup da li , the sis and my husband to be come only. both of our parents only meet up when we have the food tasting. at that pt of time, the parent of the groom side will ask what type of thing we want etc.
 

winterwhite

New Member
Hi Hi,

Thanx Xuefang & afcai.

In this case is okie for my PIL to come & tiqin even we had our rom already right? Are there any other things that i need to sound my parents first b4 "meet the parents section" beside the no. of tables? what are the things to be discussed during they meet up? normally PIL will come up to my hse or meet outside also can?
 

idealone

Member
Unless parents wanna foot the bill, if not, we modern people will call the shots and who cares the dowry to be big or small. We pay everything ourselves and buy whatever necessary. no need to spend on something so expensive and later keep at home and never wear. I rather need than go and buy. Like this you will have the latest design everytime and not some old fashioned looking dull stone. Who cares if it is 2 carat if it is old fashioned? I rather buy a 0.5 new design. VVS D colour.

Apologise... out of point. :p
 

auldreay

New Member
Winterwhite, you need to ask your parents about the following:
- number of tables
- how many boxes of cakes they want
- anything else they want (for hokkien need to have pork leg for GDL)
- do they want roast pig on actual day (not everyone wants)
- Pin jin $$
- sequence of events for the actual day (serve tea at which side first)
- date of GDL
 

young_mum

New Member
Hi Yafang,
I think u make some mistake over here at ur post nos 367.
<Winterwhite, you need to ask your parents about the following:
- number of tables
- how many boxes of cakes they want
- anything else they want (for hokkien need to have pork leg for GDL)
- do they want roast pig on actual day (not everyone wants)
- Pin jin $$
- sequence of events for the actual day (serve tea at which side first)
- date of GDL>

changes:
- we bride side usually wait for the male side to discuss and give us the nos of table, unless the male side ask how many table do we 1?
usually 10 table will be given to the female side and tat is very resonable.
- boxes of cake, yes usually bride side asked for it.
- roast pig usually is for cantonese which is a must.
- Pin Jin in the past the bride side will ask for a nice nos, usually the bride side receive it and they only take a small certain amount and return a nice nos to the male side. reason: cant take too much as it will look bad on the female side. the male side will look down on the female side as like the female parent is selling her daughter.
- in chinese serving tea custom, We do not discuss to serve which side of tea 1st. cos it will be always the male had to come to fetch the bride (1st round)then pray and go to the male hse (2nd round). at the male hse, they pray the god too and then serve tea to the parents and relative. both couple had to kneel in front of their parents to serve tea. but not for relatives. kneeling, this is to said tat thank you for the upbringing of us, the education u give us, the care u provide,(a roof for u, clothes for u to wear, food to feed u ect) all these no matter wat happend of disagreement in the past should be forgotten as parents xin xin ku ku brought us up. we should not forget.) relative no need to kneel. jus normal serve tea.
then (3rd round)the male side bring the wife back to her bride family hm, takin roast pig if she is a cantonese, meawhile on way back, ask the driver to drive circle around for 3 rounds i think (forgot liao)Reason: after 3 days the newly weds need to go back to the female hse to 'visit' the family, cos usually pp will be oversea honey moon so now the custom is they will circle around the hse 3 rounds mean its already 3 days and then up we go to the female hse. then at female hse, we serve tea, same as the male side kneel at parents only, relatives normal serving tea.
after tat same as male hse, take photo. and then had some lunch.
then tat will be the end of the morni period.
-marriage is a traditional and once in a life time, female side should always respect male side. tat is why anything should be consider at male side 1st. Reason: ur child will be going to have the sir name of the male side.
hope this will give a brief understanding to all the soon to be brides out there.
happy weddin! wishes u all a happy marriage,
Remember, u respect people, people will repect u, and dinner usually is for parents to show off although marriage is only between both of u.
Its right tat we should fork out $$ to plan for dinner.Reson: as i mention from above, parents give birth to us, bring us up, give us roof, clothes food, educted us, provide every needs when we cannot take care of ourself. now u can take care of urself, dont forget to be repay to them. Its alright tat they demand. jus make sure both side parents sit down to discuss, any thing can be sovle, unless the marriage only discuss with 1 side parents.dont forget, in this life we cannot even returns all of the favours to our parents no matter how much u pay them. the least we can do during the weddin period is to provide a good happy wedding dinner for our parents to let them remember the happy memories of,"oh boy, my boy/my gal is growing up getting married!!"
and then be good to them till end. this is how we repay our parents.
-Wat we did to our parents, wat our kid will do to us.
mean we be good, u sure will have good kids. if not, guess i think next time u can imgine wat ur kids will be treating u in the future.
=)
 

september

New Member
young mum, yes u mayb rite...but the ting is wen we ask our parent, we are trying to avoid a scene on the day when both parent mit to discussion....we children hv to discuss wif our parent first to get a common understanding to prevent a quarrel breakout during the discussion dinner....
 

young_mum

New Member
hi Diana,
Yap, as children we should discuss with our parent st. then arrange a time to meet up with both parent. by time meet, both parents already in mind know wat to do already.
 

winterwhite

New Member
Hi all,

Thanx alot Yafang &amp; young mum for sharing your advices.
happy.gif


May I ask..
-My AD is next yr,maybe next June- Dec) , when do your think is the right &amp; appropriate time for my PIL to come over &amp; tiqin? ( I have already rom last yr).
-Is it okie to ask my parents side how many tales they need, then go ahead &amp; book the venue first b4 the tiqin (such as my b4 my PIL come formally &amp; ask them how many tables bride's side wants)?
- Heard that we can ve the jin cha in the AD venue nowadays, like in the hotel's suite. Sounds gd &amp; convenient..does it mean that we can skip the morning's round of going to the bride's &amp; groom's side to pray &amp; serve tea? Just arrange all these in the hotel room before on the day b4 the dinner starts?
- When jin cha.. besides our parents &amp; grandparents.. we have to serve to all the aunties &amp; uncles? How about our elder siblings? do we need to serve them too?
 

hung

New Member
well.. my husband and me will like to do w/o the ceremony thing. as to save quarrels and embaressment btw us and the 2 families.
my mum also not sure wat to do as i m the eldest n 1st to get married, so does my PIL. but they dun mind being simple as to just have dinner only.
My parents seems to insist on the ceremony which not being favoured by both of us...
i really dunno how to put it across to them. both PIL and my parents had yet to meet out to discuss.. dunno wat will be the outcome.. sianz
 

apuppy

New Member
Hi everyone,

Got a problem.I am getting married on Nov and wanna check out with u guys a few thing whether it is apropriate or not as both side parents all dono a thing about Guo Da Li.

Firstly, If I am getting married around nov, can i use the food tasting and tok about the customs will t be too late to discuss? If not, My hubby intend to invite my parents to our house and discuss the details with my PIL and cause I not good in cooking my hubby say will ask my MIL to cook. Is it rude to do that? Shd I invite to a restaurant instead.

Next. As what I discussed with my family regarding their intentions of asking from my Hubby side is
-5 tables
- 3k
-15 cans pig trotters and cakes for distributing to relatives
-3 box of teochew biscuits and 2 will return bac to hubby side for PIL and new house.

Is it fair??? Besides that what we miss out ar? As I my hubby and I both come from poor familys (3 room flat), is it too much from my family or reasonable in the market? My hubby says 3k is a lot... Is it true????
 

starfruit

New Member
I think this dowry is up to each couple/family. If $3K is is too much for u, why don;t you go for auspicious amount like $1800 instead? <-- or will this be too little for your family? And remember this, if u ask for 3K, ur hubby side must give more than 3K cos u need to return some.
I also remember that i had some bottles of softdrinks as well during the exchange.
 

chillipadi25

New Member
Hi Apuppy, had both sides met up before? Like maybe during ur ROM? if both sides never met before and discuss over the foodtasting will be quite queer...erm in my personal opinion lar..For us, we have a brief talk in our (as in my husband and my own house - neutral grounds maybe u can pick some neutral grounds like restaurants will be good so that if any heated moment anyside will not feel intimidated) house first with both parties, stating what my mum wants and PJ so at the GDL everyone will nt be so shock at what is stated. Although at that moment, it is quite tense, ultimately everything is quite smooth.
happy.gif
Erm, for mine, mum requested for 2888 and no tables, we coming out our money but all returns of the wedding coming back to us. So if ur side requested for 3k plus 5 tables...and considering background of hubby like quite a lot leh..
 

chillipadi25

New Member
hi hung, if ur mum not very sure wat to do, can call mum to help out in asking ur aunts or her friends. I also the eldest in the family and when initially discuss this thing, mum also have cold feet and dunno wat to do...but once it is in the tracks things will get easier. truly understand, cos actually both of us dont want dinner dont want anything...just honeymoon and photoshoot, but our elders seems so disappointed and in the end we give in and come out our own money to pull thru the whole show, just for the sake of the oldies ....if things are still within our budget, just do for them lor, ultimately, this is our big day believe all parents also want us to make it big and have fun
happy.gif


not to worry lar just have some prep talks with ur parents, ask ur hubbie to talk to his side, make some common grounds and understanding before both parties meet up, so things will not end up in a war zone..

dont worry gal...once it is started, it will not seems so nervewrecking.
happy.gif
 

chillipadi25

New Member
stepford - believes all depends lar....depends on both side and if FH is comfortable with the amount, ultimately, we must not let the other side think we are being sold off heheheh
happy.gif
 

chillipadi25

New Member
stepford, no worries lar....be more positive, believe ur dad will also not be so difficult on these things..cos if he is difficult, he is also making u quite in a spot lor...best is discuss things within ur own family first before meeting up...so no embarassing moments. U know lar once something happened, cannot be taken back and cant be rewind.

Hehe believe it or not, when both sides meet up, i also went to take a look at Tung Shu to choose a good day too, just to pray for a smooth negotiation
happy.gif
 

chillipadi25

New Member
stepford - no joke!!! serious!! cos sometimes this kind of thing better believe than regret right? so i choose a good date, so everything also good good, smooth, smooth
happy.gif
 

chillipadi25

New Member
stepford, aiyah preparation quite ok lar...cos we already fixed the 3 big hooohaa issues 1) venue 2)PJ 3)BS...so now waiting for gown selection and photoshoot. Mine is in Dec 2, wat about urs??

It will be a big project this time round, so we need to be more positive, focus and to look at the big picture
happy.gif
Anything happens, just try to smile and cooooooooooooooollll it
happy.gif
hehehe i know lar easier said then done.
 


stepford

New Member
jingles, yah, we took a long time with venue too. BS, I made a mistake and have to bear with the cost. Yet to go for designing session. Mine is on 28th oct.

What's PJ?

I like your positive outlook! It's quite a chore to go through so many vendors and pity that hubs is busy with work so he can't really help me much.
 

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