Support group - Divorce

F

father

Guest
Hi Strawberry,

dunno whether i double posting but a familiar story. Does ur ex still visit your BB?
 


strawberry78

New Member
father
yup, he's based in indonesia but has visited my BB every few months (frankly its up to him) as long as he does not create problems during his visits. else its a civilized world for all
happy.gif


pancake,
actually your situation sounds controllable to a certain extent. depends how much you still want to be in the marriage, least its still within singapore. for me, 95% of the reason that pushed me to the divorce doors is because of the culture and distance. ie. if ex-HB (i dare say) is local and we have more common grounds, perhaps chances of making it work is far greater. one of the reasons i can't stand MIL is that she overdresses and puts on airs...

anyway, my friend commented that i must have owed men some kind of bad karma...most of the men i met or in my life create some sort of problems for me.

the good ones are by far, few and hard to come by, though not extinct yet ;)
 
F

father

Guest
Strawberry,

What do you define as 'problems'? Sorry if i ask too much... i just want to know if i myself am giving too much 'problems' to her & her family during my visits. I don't want to be a pain in pples eye.
 

strawberry78

New Member
hmm
like threatening to fight for custody, letting his dad threaten to take my baby away previously...or threatening to create trouble in my workplace. or using the handphone to create unpleasant situations, like fighting and then slamming down the phone. it adds up...

and i happen to see that type of behavior in one of my work colleagues, (male who was reportedly beating his wife, who wanted to divorce him b4) -

though my ex-HB was not a "wife beater" category, he is bad enough in the sense of emotional threats and abuse. nothing respectable about that type of behavior.

but to each his own, i think i just don't trust his parents and him even (i used to) but his parents have created so much havoc in our marriage. his mom hates third parties and always laments that girls used to try and wreck their marriage (they are possessed etc...) but see, if she looks at it figuratively, didn't she just wreck my marriage??? does it "make" her any better than the third parties she fingered previously?

it just doesn't make sense, sorry...to say.

am really pissed whenever i mentioned about what happened, so really, i rather forget and get on with my life, better still, if only the DOS is the actual divorce paper...
 

pancake

New Member
hi gin

i'm so sorry to hear that. I understand ur sentiments. U gotta take care

Hi strawberry78
I think my situation is controllable cos my hubby still loves me very much, to the extent that he dares to stand by my side (probably temporary only) Moreover, for newly wed couples, hubbies usu will still give in to their wives. But sooner or later, my hubby will feel drained emotionally by MIL's constant nagging. MIL likes to act "pitiful" to get hubby's sympathy. MIL claimed that she has sleep disorder now with difficulty breathing, because of me wor. After all, all children must be obedient and filial to their parents....it is the right thing to do

sooner or later, my hubby will get emotionally drained and hate me for not giving in to MIL.

One day, my hubby will be like ur hubby.....i really dread that day will come. I'll rather geta divorce while we're still at good terms. U know wht i mean? less messy

cheers
 

gin

New Member
Hi all,
Can I check do you guys think I should pursue for my annulment or just go for seperations?
I need some advise...
 
F

father

Guest
Hi strawberry,

Sorry to stir up ur past.
I don't know whether wat i have done could have made my wife to bear the same resentment that you have.

I am happy if my wife is happy to be alone but i can only salvage one thing...that is to build relationship with my son.

Do you think women will resent that their ex HB will want to spend more time with their son/daugther?
 
C

cathy tan

Guest
Dear Gin

I think both of you shld have a 'cool off' period before deciding on annulment or separation. Don't rush into it. I've been thru this.

Care to tell us why the decision to call off the customary and why he refused to go for counselling?

Take care.
 
L

lost world!

Guest
After long weeks of mess with him and his family, I have decided that I will let him go to be who he wants to be with. I am very tired, real tired with my life.

At this moment, I hope that I could join the support group. I don't really know what this group is all about, but I am willing join you gals and guys.

Please email me @ [email protected]
 

fitti

New Member
Dear Father (hahaha...sounds so awkward, as if i'm praying to God!!!;p)

You asked if women will resent that their exHB will want to spend more time with their son/daughter...Well, it all depends on the level of emotional damage done. I mean, all parents love their children and i feel that children should nvr be deprived of being close to both parents unless of coz, that particular parent was abusive or still a negative influence to the child.

For my case, i 'volunteer' (so cheap hor? ;p) extra child access becoz i simply love my son too much and i kw his grandparents and his father (at least he claimed to be so...) love my son just as much.

My only resentment against my ex HB is probably his consistent broken promises of seeing his son and unwillingness to allow us to move on (he refuses to sign the papers tho' he's very much emotionally attached to other women at the moment) despite countless "gentle reminders"...

Honestly speaking, if not for my son, i will definitely not want to see Mr Ex HB ever again...but will still visit his parents now and then...Grrrr....when will i ever learn???
 

la_la

New Member
hi ladies...

i managed to find my hubby after he got MIA after the affair was discovered.

We had a good talk and we wanted to salvage the marriage. But i realised that my hb isn't sincere enuff.

He told me he needed time to "sort things out" with the lady. He needs 3 mths more months with her.. wat the hell?
 
S

stitches

Guest
hi fitti
i agree with you that it all depends on the level of emotional damage done. To borrow a cliche, children are the worst hit. Mine didn't understand why her parents are not together and thought was her fault.

The marriage may have broken down, but we are still parents.
 
F

father

Guest
Fitti,
Cheap? please don't call yourself that. I really respect you for wanting your son to spend more time with his dad. Not many will bring themselves for doing that. My wife certainly won't give a damn whether i visit or not. She just want money....and more money at the end of the day. I mean...i don't mind giving but at end of day....i am not son of Bill Gates or NKF CEO. So how to fork out more money? anyway money is just one of the issue. I will be very happy if my wife can think like you did. I feel very upset each time i see my son's photograph hanging on my wall. I don't know about how the court will settle my access issue....can only pray that my son will get his fair share of normal life in this crazy world.

Stiches,
You are right. The children suffer most. I feel so screw up each time i think that my son is being brought into this world not being able to have both his mummy and daddy under one roof.
 

gin

New Member
Hi Cathy,
Its a long story...
Cos he is jobless for sometimes and yet to put in effort to find one...and behind there are more things.
He dun go i guess cos of MCP?
Now i gif him a weeks time to cool down...
 

fitti

New Member
"Father"...

Talk abt money i feel lagi more cheapo!!! I am not asking for any maintenance!!!!!!!!! Coz i can foresee more complications and am quite sure he'll default payment so why go thru that kinda unwanted stress? I decided to give more tuitions instead of waiting for money to drop from Heaven...

I gave my son life and i am responsible for him. His father can do what he deems fit. I'm totally fine and at peace with myself when he's no longer in my life...

Take care ya! U r a good father. A good parent is one who will not give up a child no matter what happens.


Hey Strawberry......

Remember mi or not??? How's life lately? u r a very strong and independent woman...mi still thriving towards that direction! i rem u were the very first person who replied my messages back in May...and i'm grateful to ya! Now am happy to see you still helping the others constantly...

Pls take good care of urself n ur son okie?

Cheerios!!!
 

strawberry78

New Member
hey fitti, father,
i think fitti reply answered father query...!

fitti,
of course remember you
happy.gif

am not strong, just bo-pian ;)

have to be, just recovered from flu and overcame an office battle, turned out to be a win-win situation for all, so feeling better now.

hopefully things turn out well for all of us. just brought my BB to view his childcare but he kept saying i don't like school...so looks like he'll be staying at home for somemore time
happy.gif


looks like you are doing very well and i respect your generosity to your ex-HB with your girl.

i still have long way to zen mindset liao, but am learning to handle it better.

happy.gif
)
 

hopeful

New Member
Hi ladies, long time no see u pple here :p

Strawberry, hope things are ok with u..

Talking abt access rights here, I am definitely a guilty party because I really hope that my ex access hours can be shorter. I really hope to have more time with my daughter esp. on the weekend.

Father, it is definitely a sad thing that the child cannot have both mummy and daddy under the same roof. I often imagine my gal will make this wish when she is older. I wish that " My daddy and mummy and I can have a meal together!"..even thinking of that, makes me tear... But I hope that one day, maybe that day will come when I can really sit down with my hb and my child to have a simple meal..

Things will be much easier if we do not have a child. But come to think of it, if I dun have my child, I think I would have died long ago.

Aiyo, saying all these unhappy things here. *whack*... just hope that everybody will move on and find happiness and peace of mind lor....
 
L

lost world!

Guest
Any group member for organising gatherings could kindly leave email address for me to get in touch with?
 

rainy19

New Member
Reading all your postings have given me e courage tat i needed so much to move on. Tonight is the first night tat i have moved back to my parent's place. Miss my own home, miss him (dun know y i m still so silly) but i m glad to have found a bunch of friends who have shown me tat indeed we can still find peace of mind after a failed marriage. Will be filling for divorce soon and hope tat i can take everything in my stride
 
N

need_advise_thx!

Guest
Dear all,

really need ur help and advise badly on this issue......

My hubby wanted a divorce. We've been married for 4 years, and our bb is almost 1YO. We are living together with his parents, with the flat resale co-ownership by his parents and my hubby n i. When his dad and him bought the flat, his dad paid the hard cash as well as using his CPF.

In the case of divorce, what are the options avail for us w.r.t flat? If they just transfer me out n refund me the CPF contributions eversince i've been paying since they transferred my name as co-owner 4 years ago, will i lose out? If they sell away the flat n divided the profits as well as my CPF, will it be better?

I've committed one time of abusive act to him, just very recently when we talked about this issue of divorce. N b4 i hit him, i asked him whether i can hit him, n he said yes. Does this actually amount up to abusive act on my part? I'm not trying to justify my actions, i know i'm in the wrong for hitting him. But now coz i want custody of our bb, i wonder can he use my abusive act against me?

In the event of divorce, will i get custody of bb? Both of us actually have credit debts, his $20k, mine $30k. I'm earning more than him. Will i get my bb? N since i'm earning more than him, will i still get alimony from him, as well as maintenace?

Sorry abt these qns....i know that most of u must have answered these numerous of times. I'm too tired and upset right now to scroll thro.....I'm more worried abt my bb's future. I've wanted n pleaded him not to divorce, but he simply refused. He said that i'm a lousy wife, didnt perform my duty as a wife. I know that i'm also at fault. I'm at a loss, but i still have to move on.
 

dl1971

New Member
Hi ,
anyone can help?
my mum have adultery , is a gambler , nvr do housework n help to look after kids .
my dad is a bankrupt .
the flat is owned by dad and grandma.

Qn : so will my mum get the flat ?
thanks
 

not_so_easy

New Member
need_advise_thx

there is nothing much we could advise...just based on your own feeling/choice....do you think this marriage is necessary to make any effort to keep.....if this is your answer...suggest you tell your hb what is in your mind, go counselling if you think this can be of help to salvage, otherwise....need some self-reflection and see where really gone wrong and have it rectify instead...is not easy but at least give this marriage and yourself another chance to reconsider if you think there is posibilities to save it.
 
N

need_advise_thx!

Guest
Hi isit,

i've actually pleaded w my hubby for hours in the nite not to divorce. N he was the one who insisted on we divorcing, stating that i m a lousy wife, that i didnt perform my duty as wife, that i m only a good mother but failed as a wife. Sigh. We live with our in-laws, n i have people to know whether i have failed in all aspects. He's now pointing all his fingers at me, whereas to me, yes i accepted what he said, i recognised my flaws now. Just that i wonder, has he ever think abt his own actions? Whenever i or even my inlaws try asking him in a concerned way, he'll always conceal his feelings or shut himself out fr us. N now at the end of the day, he feels that i dun show concern to him that i love him. Oh my.....to me, it's such a great misunderstanding, n does that constitute a divorce?????? On his part, has he ever tot of the stress i face, being a new mother, caring for a newborn, and having to balance my time in workplace??? I've been concerned abt him, all along, but as i dun see him often, that he's always working OT n working thru the nite, i didnt get any appropriate chance to display my affection for him. Does it mean that i dun love him then???? My inlaws understand my stress, n they've helped to offload me in caring for mybb, just that i still see myself as having to be responsible to spend time w bb despite people being around to help out.

Well.....anyway, i'm clearer abt what's going on in his mind, n what he wants. I cant change his mindset, but i can change myself to please him. Only because i love him.
 

not_so_easy

New Member
if his demands and expectations from you is justify to you....if the flaws really lies in you...then you need to make effort to change and let him notice your genuine intentions in salvaging the marriage....of course he too must help you fulfill the changes in area needed to make it workable for both. he too also need to be fair to you that divorce is not the only way out as now you had just given birth and if the problems can be resolve within the two by having better understanding through communications and action then give it a try.

Probably after you had done your best to change then his mindset about you also will change for the better...so don't give up hope.
 
lostworld,
already send you an email.

for the rest,

We do have a active divorce support group formed previously. However, I have started another group - called The SG support group. The main purpose of the support group is to organize activities and for us to make friends - to let us have something to look forward to. There is more to life than a happily married life. We have made a lot of friends and we had wonderful times together. If you are interested in joining our activities - just drop me a mail at [email protected]
 
fitti, stiches, father

On the topic of access to children. I sincerely believe that we should let our spouses have as much access as practically possible. I know for some, it may be difficult but the main thing is that each child has and needs both parents. The fact that the parents are living separately apart do not negate this need.

Of course, that being said, if the other party has a tendency to resort to emotional or physical abuse, it may be prudent to be restrictive about access.

And I am doing what I am preaching here. My three children are staying with me but I don't really restrict their mother's access to them. She can see them everyday if she so wishes. In fact, twice a week in the weekdays, she would send the children to school. On weekends, I allow my three children to stay overnight (1 or 2 nights sometimes) at her place.

Once a while we still have dinner as a family, sometimes even inviting my parents in law for lunch/dinner.
 
pancake,

I don't think you are weird. I guess that is the emancipation of the modern women. Yes, they are all financially and socially independent.

From the perspective of a Man whose wife has decided to walk out of the marriage, I should be telling you to work on your marriage. But to be cynical and look beyond, I believe the best is for you to divorce right now - so much less pain - and give your husband a second chance to look for another wife that may suit his needs better.
 

pancake

New Member
Hi unwantedman33

why did your wife leave u, if u dun mind me asking.
But if its too personal, its ok
Anyway, thks for sharing ur opinion with me
I'm still thinking what to do with this marriage
 

apple0401

New Member
Hi,
It's me again, after such a long period of MIA.
It has been a long roller coaster ride for me for the past weeks.
Now, my hubby is telling me that he is very sorry and realised that he is very very foolish to have fall in love with another woman when he already have me and an adorable baby (19mths old). He has let us down and should not have started that relationship. He loves both me and the third party girl very much and cannot bring himself to choose one and hurt the other. I am a wonderful wife and it is him who did not do his part as a married man. He said I can decide to leave him and he will be accept my decision.

I am at a loss and totally confused. Previously, he thinks it is my fault that he strayed. He does not want to admit that he is in the wrong. Now, the situation has turned. He is sorry but I think he does not have the courage to do what is right (to leave the girl) as a married man. He kept saying that we will never be able to be like what we used to be in the past even if we are together. I reassured him that I am willingly to forgive and forget and work with him on our marriage with professional help, if not for ourselves but for our little baby. Most important thing is, we still have love for each other. He just kept saying difficult.

I am very sad and lost cos now, at least he is sorry but hesitant about what to do. Before he said these things to me, I was quite determined to let him go, cos all his actions showed me that he is happier with the girl, needs her more than us. But, with this turn of events, I suddenly wavered, fear of losing him, fear of the future. I thought I would be able to manage without him, but suddenly, I think I can't.
We have not told his parents yet. Will this be a good move to make? Will I be pushing him away further if this is opened up?
 

la_la

New Member
hi apple..

i can understand wat u r going thr cos i have also been through the whole procedure.Wat u told u hubby, i also tell mine before.And wat ur hubby says to u , my hubby also said to me before.

But i have very clear answer now cos i saw the woman in my house.

my advice may not be 100% relevant for you cos i do not have children and it is easier for me to move on.

I choose to leave becos i cant stand the thought of having to share my husband and i am afraid that the longer he drags the breakoff, the more deep both of them will sink. I am at the losing end.

And from those cases that i have seen, most men dont have a clean break..

I have woken up. I realise that wat my hubby says is to lessen his guilt, and by doing that, he is also "answerable" to both set of parents. And also if we get back together, he can enjoy the best of both worlds.

If he keeps saying difficult, half of his heart already surrendered before trying out..

I also love my hubby and he also loves me, but too bad, the relationship is just beyond repair. It takes two hands to clap, one hand is working but the other is not.
 

honesty

New Member
lala, my heart aches for u. Have been following your thread , from the time u came in and said u're feeling lonely cos hubby work long hours, to the time u discovered he's actually cheating on u....i was feeling such anguish thots of the way u're hubby is treating u. Maybe becos ur nick is very easy to rem.....sigh....Now he even brought the woman to ur house????? *piangz* U're right in leaving, we're not living in the age of women keeping quiet and hubby bringing home 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th wives anymore. U go girl!
 

honesty

New Member
lala, my heart aches for u. Have been following your thread , from the time u came in and said u're feeling lonely cos hubby work long hours, to the time u discovered he's actually cheating on u....i was feeling such anguish thots of the way u're hubby is treating u. Maybe becos ur nick is very easy to rem.....sigh....Now he even brought the woman to ur house????? *piangz* U're right in leaving, we're not living in the age of women keeping quiet and hubby bringing home 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th wives anymore. U go girl!
 
pancake,

my story is long or short depending on how you see it. The short story was that she had an affair and after it was discovered by me, we separated. And even after she had broke up with her lover and I was willing and had forgiven her, she still decide to separate from me. By the way, we have 3 kids.

The reason she gave me now is that she no longer love me and in fact never love me!! We were married for 17 long years!!!

So my logic for you is that if you are not going to be happy with your hubby, it is better to separate from him now and not like my wife, after 3 kids and 17 years later - to tell me that the marriage was a mistake and that she never love me. How I wish she now she told me long time ago that she don't love me and that we should be separated long time ago. I would have started another life.
 
pancake,

my story is long or short depending on how you see it. The short story was that she had an affair and after it was discovered by me, we separated. And even after she had broke up with her lover and I was willing and had forgiven her, she still decide to separate from me. By the way, we have 3 kids.

The reason she gave me now is that she no longer love me and in fact never love me!! We were married for 17 long years!!!

So my logic for you is that if you are not going to be happy with your hubby, it is better to separate from him now and not like my wife, after 3 kids and 17 years later - to tell me that the marriage was a mistake and that she never love me. How I wish she now she told me long time ago that she don't love me and that we should be separated long time ago. I would have started another life.
 
apple0401,
I know how you are feeling. There is one thing you need to do - and that is to expose his affair. It has to be made known to the world. You may be pushing him further away from you temporary but it will help resolve the issue. Hiding it will extend your pain because the affair will go on and on.

Actually, there is nothing much you can do at this moment other than to wait if you are thinking of patching up with him. But if you think that you can never forgive him, then separate or divorce him right away.
 
apple0401,
I know how you are feeling. There is one thing you need to do - and that is to expose his affair. It has to be made known to the world. You may be pushing him further away from you temporary but it will help resolve the issue. Hiding it will extend your pain because the affair will go on and on.

Actually, there is nothing much you can do at this moment other than to wait if you are thinking of patching up with him. But if you think that you can never forgive him, then separate or divorce him right away.
 

apple0401

New Member
Thanks, unwantedman33.

I have been waiting and thinking when I should expose his affair. He knows his father will not condone this behaviour and will surely scold and whack him for it. I really hope that his parents or relatives will be able to knock some sense into him. Will do it next week. I really need all the courage and strength to do this.

Sometimes, I think I am quite amazing cos I have been patiently waiting for him, doing all the necessary stuff at home, take care of him and baby, cook dinner and housework. Yet, after our baby is asleep, he will go out to be with her. Everynight. Will only be back early in the morning to fetch us to child care ctre and work. Most of you, like my friends and sister thinks that I am very silly. Why am I still suffering here when he is enjoying both sides of the world? Why doesn't he see the right thing to do and do it?
 

apple0401

New Member
Thanks, unwantedman33.

I have been waiting and thinking when I should expose his affair. He knows his father will not condone this behaviour and will surely scold and whack him for it. I really hope that his parents or relatives will be able to knock some sense into him. Will do it next week. I really need all the courage and strength to do this.

Sometimes, I think I am quite amazing cos I have been patiently waiting for him, doing all the necessary stuff at home, take care of him and baby, cook dinner and housework. Yet, after our baby is asleep, he will go out to be with her. Everynight. Will only be back early in the morning to fetch us to child care ctre and work. Most of you, like my friends and sister thinks that I am very silly. Why am I still suffering here when he is enjoying both sides of the world? Why doesn't he see the right thing to do and do it?
 

kaya_butter

New Member
Hi Terminator,

I have sent an email to you.

Thanks!

PS: I am going to slap all the mainland women if I happen to see them behaving romantically with our local man!
 

kaya_butter

New Member
Hi Terminator,

I have sent an email to you.

Thanks!

PS: I am going to slap all the mainland women if I happen to see them behaving romantically with our local man!
 
apple0401,

Seriously if you have not exposed his affair, you should do it ASAP. This is the No 1 thing to do when dealing with affairs,
 
apple0401,

Seriously if you have not exposed his affair, you should do it ASAP. This is the No 1 thing to do when dealing with affairs,
 

apple0401

New Member
Hi unwantedman33,

I have been tolerating and suffering for the past 1 month or so and did not expose his affair at all. Cos I understand him too well. He is a very MCP man, wants his face more than anything else. If I were to do it, it will be the end of us. Hence, I have been hesitating till now. With your valuable advice, I will do it next week, no matter what the consequences will be. Thanks for your support. I need all these. I will move out with my bb first then talk to his parents about it.

Now, I have come to realise that he is just saying that he is sorry but his actions do not indicate any of such feelings. Mere talk and no action. Should I be so silly to wait for such a man? The rational answer is no. I know but I guess, I am not able to make this quick decision because of my young little darling boy of only 19 months. I really hate the thought of him growing up without his father, a dysfunctional family. I am very afraid of the psychological impact on him. He is totally innocent.

Would like to ask how did your wife's family and friends react upon knowing of her affair? Can share?
 

apple0401

New Member
Hi unwantedman33,

I have been tolerating and suffering for the past 1 month or so and did not expose his affair at all. Cos I understand him too well. He is a very MCP man, wants his face more than anything else. If I were to do it, it will be the end of us. Hence, I have been hesitating till now. With your valuable advice, I will do it next week, no matter what the consequences will be. Thanks for your support. I need all these. I will move out with my bb first then talk to his parents about it.

Now, I have come to realise that he is just saying that he is sorry but his actions do not indicate any of such feelings. Mere talk and no action. Should I be so silly to wait for such a man? The rational answer is no. I know but I guess, I am not able to make this quick decision because of my young little darling boy of only 19 months. I really hate the thought of him growing up without his father, a dysfunctional family. I am very afraid of the psychological impact on him. He is totally innocent.

Would like to ask how did your wife's family and friends react upon knowing of her affair? Can share?
 


hopeful

New Member
Hi Apple0401,

My child was only 16 months when my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. I was like u, did not know what to do. Kept thinking of my poor child. What would happen to her?How can I allow her to grow up without both parents living in the same roof. In fact, I told him this concern but he only said " As long as the child knows that both her parents love her but the parents are not able to stay together, the child will be ok." I was devastated to hear that. Well, what can I say? His heart was already with that china gal at that time.

Well, now that my child is going to be 2 yrs old and I have already come to terms with the fact that she will grow up in an incomplete family, it makes me more determined to love her more....Of course, the child will always feel that she is "different" from the rest of her friends, but I dun have a choice. I think, rather than staying as a unhappy couple for the sake of the child and let her sense the unhappiness, maybe it would be better for her to spend happy times with her father and mother on separate occasions?? I really hope it works.

The process of coming to terms with all those fears is a long and scary one. Don't think that the child will be short-changed. Rather think positive that u will give the child more more love...

Despite saying that, please see if you can salvage the marriage or not. If you feel that you cannot forgive ur hb, then there is really no pt to stay together. I tried for one month after his confession. Finally, I gave up because he showed no remorse at all. He was not sorry for the fact that he has fallen for that gal. In fact, I believe that he was very happy that I was willing to leave him. He even announced to friends that we were separated the moment I left to my mother's house, of course, quoting the reason that we are incompartible. Thinking of that now, my heart hurts so much....

Well, sorry to blah blah here...Apple, just want to let you know that single-mum hood is not easy at all. U have to be mentally prepared for it. But I would rather be a single-mum than to keep a husband, a father whose heart is already not with the family but with another woman............

BE STRONG!
 

Top