Support group - Divorce
- Thread starter sad
- Start date
ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACKWARD, AND TWO STEPS FORWARD...
The healing process is like a Cha-Cha. Moving forward and backward. Some of us move on, some of us struggle, some of us just remain here.
Moving on is a painful process in itself. To move on, it means having to shed the painful memories and feelings of depression. Yet this sinking feeling has become a familiar friend for so many months, and for some of us, even years. To lose such a familiar friend seems a lonely and alone process. When the sinking feeling is gone, where and how do we look ahead? When the comfortable feeling of depression is gone, do we have anything else? Do we have the courage to remember the happy times without getting hurt by memories? Do we have the courage to accept unhappiness as part of who we are? Perhaps we do, perhaps we don't.
On my way to work, I saw this message that flashes on the tv mobile in the MRT station. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Beautiful words, incredible advice. Perhaps hundreds and thousands of people spotted this message, yet how many would ponder, how many would follow these words of wisdom. Will we, mere humans, find the capability to forgive ourselves and others, and forget the pain?
Yesterday, the question of being able to forgive and forget came up. Coincidentally, my friend and I discussed it on Sat nite. I believed we all humans have the capability to forgive and forget. The answer is Love. When you have love, you forgive and you forget. And it's not difficult to understand. Remember how your parents can always forgive and forget your mistakes, based on their unconditional love for their child. Remember how you can easily overlook a gross wrong did to you by an ex relationship, when you are deeply in love now. When there's love in our hearts—be it love for another partner, love for a child etc.—there's hardly space for anything else. Hatred, anger and resentment will be pushed out of our hearts to give space for love.
The healing process is like a Cha-Cha. Moving forward and backward. Some of us move on, some of us struggle, some of us just remain here.
Moving on is a painful process in itself. To move on, it means having to shed the painful memories and feelings of depression. Yet this sinking feeling has become a familiar friend for so many months, and for some of us, even years. To lose such a familiar friend seems a lonely and alone process. When the sinking feeling is gone, where and how do we look ahead? When the comfortable feeling of depression is gone, do we have anything else? Do we have the courage to remember the happy times without getting hurt by memories? Do we have the courage to accept unhappiness as part of who we are? Perhaps we do, perhaps we don't.
On my way to work, I saw this message that flashes on the tv mobile in the MRT station. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Beautiful words, incredible advice. Perhaps hundreds and thousands of people spotted this message, yet how many would ponder, how many would follow these words of wisdom. Will we, mere humans, find the capability to forgive ourselves and others, and forget the pain?
Yesterday, the question of being able to forgive and forget came up. Coincidentally, my friend and I discussed it on Sat nite. I believed we all humans have the capability to forgive and forget. The answer is Love. When you have love, you forgive and you forget. And it's not difficult to understand. Remember how your parents can always forgive and forget your mistakes, based on their unconditional love for their child. Remember how you can easily overlook a gross wrong did to you by an ex relationship, when you are deeply in love now. When there's love in our hearts—be it love for another partner, love for a child etc.—there's hardly space for anything else. Hatred, anger and resentment will be pushed out of our hearts to give space for love.
The question on how our parents can forgive us no matter how much wrong we have done is something that is hard to apply to our spouses.
Will our parents abandon us one day and tell us that they no longer love us? Will our parents tell us that they have taken a stronger likling for another soul that they no longer love us so much? I doubt so.
If kinship is something that can never be broken, never dissolved, never say END, why does marriages end? Aren't husband and wife suppose to be the closest? Maybe there is no blood relation? Blood is thicker than water? *sigh*
Unconditional love is something very hard to achieve. Maternal love is often unconditional. No matter how bad the child becomes, it is still easier to forgive. But love for someone who betrayed and hurt you so much that the pain seems indelible? I don't know. Perhaps one day, that kind of hatred will be replaced by the love of another person. For those who believe in God, maybe it is time to look at HIS love. Let's strive towards that.
Will our parents abandon us one day and tell us that they no longer love us? Will our parents tell us that they have taken a stronger likling for another soul that they no longer love us so much? I doubt so.
If kinship is something that can never be broken, never dissolved, never say END, why does marriages end? Aren't husband and wife suppose to be the closest? Maybe there is no blood relation? Blood is thicker than water? *sigh*
Unconditional love is something very hard to achieve. Maternal love is often unconditional. No matter how bad the child becomes, it is still easier to forgive. But love for someone who betrayed and hurt you so much that the pain seems indelible? I don't know. Perhaps one day, that kind of hatred will be replaced by the love of another person. For those who believe in God, maybe it is time to look at HIS love. Let's strive towards that.
Sally,
I think it's a matter of how one believes in a marriage. If both partners strongly believe in everlasting marriage and tightly knotted ties, how can a marriage break down? The fact that parents always (99%
) love, forgive and forget the mistakes of their children is because the mentality of blood ties is deeply rooted in us. Yet with the eroding morals of humans and increasing unrealistic expectations, many people are starting to take marriage with an expiry date, till disagreements do them apart.
Yes, God's love is perfect-unconditional and whole. We can definitely strive towards that.
I think it's a matter of how one believes in a marriage. If both partners strongly believe in everlasting marriage and tightly knotted ties, how can a marriage break down? The fact that parents always (99%
) love, forgive and forget the mistakes of their children is because the mentality of blood ties is deeply rooted in us. Yet with the eroding morals of humans and increasing unrealistic expectations, many people are starting to take marriage with an expiry date, till disagreements do them apart. Yes, God's love is perfect-unconditional and whole. We can definitely strive towards that.
Hmmm...i am someone who believe in marriage but have realised that believing is not enough. Plus u have to marry someone who has the same belief (in marriage) as well. That's how i feel.
Being a passive lover (as usual), i feel i could have done abit better. Yet, so many times pride just took over me...Still unable to admit my mistake (of not trying hard enough) to someone who broke his promise. The promise that my fragile heart would be cared for and never be broken. It took me 4yrs to believe that promise before i took the big step to lay my stakes on 'marriage' only to realise that i lost the game some 6yrs later.......
No, i did not think alot the past 12mths, no luxury of time to do that anyway. But ever since i found this forum, i have alot of mixed feelings. I was 'relieved' that i am not alone (coz had blamed myself for being the only pathetic loser in lovelife) but i am also feeling sad that so many of us have to go through it. i think I've always been matured beyond my yrs since i've never had a day of sheltered life but i noticed i aged much more the past yr. Have i grown stronger i'm not sure. But i know this is a hurdle i have to cross no matter what and how. Not for my sake but for my son. I have to piece my broken heart so that i can give it to the little man whom i gave life to. Somehow.
Sometimes i wish i could be alone and could cry all i want. I wished i didn't have to go thru'infidelity, single motherhood and all that crap in my life. But they did happen and there is no point crying over spilled milk. Sometimes i think God allow all these hurdles to remind us that only He and His Love will remain unchanged.
Yes, my marriage broke down and i have been feeling shitty ever since but from the way i try to see it, things happen for a reason.
That is why I prefer to keep only the good memories and omit the rest.
I remember a wonderful peaceloving ex-colleague whose wife walked out of him. We did not understand exactly how he felt coz he did not share much. But i remember the usual sparkle in his eyes disappeared. That was 5yrs ago. At that time he probably did not have anyone or support gp to talk to and found a new love on the rebound. They are still together. But that sparkle in his eyes never returned.
I only had 1 'serious' bf before i met my ex husband. It lasted 8mths...and i took 1.5yrs to get over him before i allow myself to love and be loved again. This Nov will be the 10th dating anniversary with my ex husband. Let me count...i will probably recover...21yrs later???!!!I'd be close to 50!
Lamenting over a lost love is pointless. Yet it's so hard to pick ourselves up immediately. We all need time and space to heal. Just a few days back, i was packing my study area and found a note written last Dec. It seemed like a suicide note coz the contents were about how should my son be cared for and the kind of funeral prefered. I wrote that note. Didn't even remember i ever wrote that. Thinking back i really shouldn't have...
However, it's always comforting even if we only have 1 single person who stands by us. And we do still have the ability to love. We will start by loving our family more. I'll be eternally grateful to my family for that pat on my shoulder, to my sisters who cried with me and catch cockroaches from my flat weekly because they know their spoilt, prideful little sister is actually the weakest link in the family. Will never forget the encouraging smses to remind me that there will always be rainbow after rain. Will also never forget how comforting it was when i spoke about how my heart got broken in front of a group of new friends who just nodded and listened because they truly understand. Even the man who walked out of me, he gave me many years of love and attention. At least, i know i have been and loved deeply before...
With all that blessings, what more can i ask for?
Being a passive lover (as usual), i feel i could have done abit better. Yet, so many times pride just took over me...Still unable to admit my mistake (of not trying hard enough) to someone who broke his promise. The promise that my fragile heart would be cared for and never be broken. It took me 4yrs to believe that promise before i took the big step to lay my stakes on 'marriage' only to realise that i lost the game some 6yrs later.......
No, i did not think alot the past 12mths, no luxury of time to do that anyway. But ever since i found this forum, i have alot of mixed feelings. I was 'relieved' that i am not alone (coz had blamed myself for being the only pathetic loser in lovelife) but i am also feeling sad that so many of us have to go through it. i think I've always been matured beyond my yrs since i've never had a day of sheltered life but i noticed i aged much more the past yr. Have i grown stronger i'm not sure. But i know this is a hurdle i have to cross no matter what and how. Not for my sake but for my son. I have to piece my broken heart so that i can give it to the little man whom i gave life to. Somehow.
Sometimes i wish i could be alone and could cry all i want. I wished i didn't have to go thru'infidelity, single motherhood and all that crap in my life. But they did happen and there is no point crying over spilled milk. Sometimes i think God allow all these hurdles to remind us that only He and His Love will remain unchanged.
Yes, my marriage broke down and i have been feeling shitty ever since but from the way i try to see it, things happen for a reason.
That is why I prefer to keep only the good memories and omit the rest.
I remember a wonderful peaceloving ex-colleague whose wife walked out of him. We did not understand exactly how he felt coz he did not share much. But i remember the usual sparkle in his eyes disappeared. That was 5yrs ago. At that time he probably did not have anyone or support gp to talk to and found a new love on the rebound. They are still together. But that sparkle in his eyes never returned.
I only had 1 'serious' bf before i met my ex husband. It lasted 8mths...and i took 1.5yrs to get over him before i allow myself to love and be loved again. This Nov will be the 10th dating anniversary with my ex husband. Let me count...i will probably recover...21yrs later???!!!I'd be close to 50!
Lamenting over a lost love is pointless. Yet it's so hard to pick ourselves up immediately. We all need time and space to heal. Just a few days back, i was packing my study area and found a note written last Dec. It seemed like a suicide note coz the contents were about how should my son be cared for and the kind of funeral prefered. I wrote that note. Didn't even remember i ever wrote that. Thinking back i really shouldn't have...
However, it's always comforting even if we only have 1 single person who stands by us. And we do still have the ability to love. We will start by loving our family more. I'll be eternally grateful to my family for that pat on my shoulder, to my sisters who cried with me and catch cockroaches from my flat weekly because they know their spoilt, prideful little sister is actually the weakest link in the family. Will never forget the encouraging smses to remind me that there will always be rainbow after rain. Will also never forget how comforting it was when i spoke about how my heart got broken in front of a group of new friends who just nodded and listened because they truly understand. Even the man who walked out of me, he gave me many years of love and attention. At least, i know i have been and loved deeply before...
With all that blessings, what more can i ask for?
unwantedman33
Member
Havent been here for a while. all I can say is be postive, be happy. Yes, we can choose to be happy.
Strawberriiiiiii....
where have u been? How are u feeling today? pls let me kw when there is a gathering for ASM, k?
just a little update, ex wanted to wait till dec (when flat matures at 5thyr) before selling, split the monies and then proceed with all the legal stuff coz apparently what he said last time abt giving me the flat and son kinda revoked. Family wants me to transfer flat to my name so he dun get to share the profit if any. BUt that also means i ahve to pay him back for his cpf contributions which is not alot but i still can't raise that kind of $. Family more than willing to lend me but i thought since he meant to give the flat to me as compensation then he should pay back his own cpf. I knew it's impossible so i suggested 50/50 for everything. The cpf payback, legal fees, child maintenance etc. He said not possible coz he's broke (as usual)and has no intention to pay child maintenance, not even half.
So have decided that i will go ahead with the transfer (i pay back full amt myself), go ahead with the divorce and let the court decide on the child maintenance amt (i'm sick of always becoming the bad guy)...
It's been exactly 1yr and i dun wish to drag any further. He said he 'treasures' me and want us to be 'best friends'...he can wait long long...however, i'm still keeping peace simply because we share a very brilliant son and that i can't stay angry for long, get internal injury not very nice lor.
Last nite tried out if still feel sad abt the whole thg...sang songs that used to belong to us...damn...tears flowed like rivers after just 1 line. Sonny thought mummy had a cold and fetched me a tissue and demonstrated to me how i should blow my nose...Awwww...sonny's still the best!
Now just waiting for thgs to happen. A bit nervous abt mediation and gg to court etc...Also abit scared that he does his old trick again, by looking really really sad as if he's the victim. Not very hard for him coz he has droopy eyes. Told my sis to remind me not to wear makeup that day so that my real face show better (panda eyes, permanent frown...)
SingleMummies here, want to meet up to celebrate Mother's Day??? Just drop me an email at <[email protected]> Non-mummies also welcome so long as u have boobs!!!
Cheers!
where have u been? How are u feeling today? pls let me kw when there is a gathering for ASM, k?
just a little update, ex wanted to wait till dec (when flat matures at 5thyr) before selling, split the monies and then proceed with all the legal stuff coz apparently what he said last time abt giving me the flat and son kinda revoked. Family wants me to transfer flat to my name so he dun get to share the profit if any. BUt that also means i ahve to pay him back for his cpf contributions which is not alot but i still can't raise that kind of $. Family more than willing to lend me but i thought since he meant to give the flat to me as compensation then he should pay back his own cpf. I knew it's impossible so i suggested 50/50 for everything. The cpf payback, legal fees, child maintenance etc. He said not possible coz he's broke (as usual)and has no intention to pay child maintenance, not even half.
So have decided that i will go ahead with the transfer (i pay back full amt myself), go ahead with the divorce and let the court decide on the child maintenance amt (i'm sick of always becoming the bad guy)...
It's been exactly 1yr and i dun wish to drag any further. He said he 'treasures' me and want us to be 'best friends'...he can wait long long...however, i'm still keeping peace simply because we share a very brilliant son and that i can't stay angry for long, get internal injury not very nice lor.
Last nite tried out if still feel sad abt the whole thg...sang songs that used to belong to us...damn...tears flowed like rivers after just 1 line. Sonny thought mummy had a cold and fetched me a tissue and demonstrated to me how i should blow my nose...Awwww...sonny's still the best!
Now just waiting for thgs to happen. A bit nervous abt mediation and gg to court etc...Also abit scared that he does his old trick again, by looking really really sad as if he's the victim. Not very hard for him coz he has droopy eyes. Told my sis to remind me not to wear makeup that day so that my real face show better (panda eyes, permanent frown...)
SingleMummies here, want to meet up to celebrate Mother's Day??? Just drop me an email at <[email protected]> Non-mummies also welcome so long as u have boobs!!!
Cheers!
strawberry78
New Member
fitti
me so busy this week, there's no time to do anything else but work, rush home through bad traffic (and crazy drivers) look after baby and my mom's going cranky cos my boy is so naughty....what a rut! i wanted to send my kid to childcare but she refuses...but she gets cranky when can't cope and nags at everyone in the house.
got to run, write again
me so busy this week, there's no time to do anything else but work, rush home through bad traffic (and crazy drivers) look after baby and my mom's going cranky cos my boy is so naughty....what a rut! i wanted to send my kid to childcare but she refuses...but she gets cranky when can't cope and nags at everyone in the house.
got to run, write again
Strawberry,
sometimes we think we can cope without any help (ur mum's case also) but it enables us to breathe abit easier when there are some assistance...
Maybe u can enrol ur son in part-time childcare programme so ur mum can have some private time to herself for a couple of hrs.
I mean, i also went through all that when i refused to ask for help and tried doing everythg myself (actually i still am). It was tough coz my son has reached the "terrible 2s" and can be a headache. I realised i could breathe slightly better after i started sending my son to sch on sat for a couple of hrs so i can do hsechores or visit the salon etc...and i intend to start looking for dinner caterer and part-time domestic help soon...fingers crossed...
take care!
sometimes we think we can cope without any help (ur mum's case also) but it enables us to breathe abit easier when there are some assistance...
Maybe u can enrol ur son in part-time childcare programme so ur mum can have some private time to herself for a couple of hrs.
I mean, i also went through all that when i refused to ask for help and tried doing everythg myself (actually i still am). It was tough coz my son has reached the "terrible 2s" and can be a headache. I realised i could breathe slightly better after i started sending my son to sch on sat for a couple of hrs so i can do hsechores or visit the salon etc...and i intend to start looking for dinner caterer and part-time domestic help soon...fingers crossed...
take care!
strawberry78
New Member
fitti
thanks, my problem is that my mom refuses to let me send my kid to childcare or hire a maid to help her. she wants to do everything herself and goes crazy when the slightest thing goes wrong. not sure what to make out of it...hopefully things get better when my kid gets older and i have legal custody, so his dad can stay away for good.
actually being busy is better than the mental stress caused by my ex HB and his family - that's alot worse...
least i am mentally contended and emotionally stable without that %^&** around!
whew!
thanks, my problem is that my mom refuses to let me send my kid to childcare or hire a maid to help her. she wants to do everything herself and goes crazy when the slightest thing goes wrong. not sure what to make out of it...hopefully things get better when my kid gets older and i have legal custody, so his dad can stay away for good.
actually being busy is better than the mental stress caused by my ex HB and his family - that's alot worse...
least i am mentally contended and emotionally stable without that %^&** around!
whew!
N
no money =(
Guest
Hi
Any recommendation of lawyer that handles EC/private house transaction, charging at a cheap rate. Apro how much is the charges? Thks
Any recommendation of lawyer that handles EC/private house transaction, charging at a cheap rate. Apro how much is the charges? Thks
M
moving on
Guest
Hi
Can share how do you handle the wedding pix and the jewels after divorce? what abt the wed ring?
Can share how do you handle the wedding pix and the jewels after divorce? what abt the wed ring?
Hi moving on...
wedding pix can be wrapped up in big mahjong papers and chuck in the store...dun throw if u are not ready...i leave them lying around coz every now and then, i like to admire how slim and beautiful i looked in those photos!!!! ;P
Jewels can be auctioned out or pawned...i plan to do that so can be melted into one huge 9999 gold bar!!!
Wedding ring just return to that person loh...urs can just collect dust. If got diamond, get another one to convert into earrings!!!
cheers!
wedding pix can be wrapped up in big mahjong papers and chuck in the store...dun throw if u are not ready...i leave them lying around coz every now and then, i like to admire how slim and beautiful i looked in those photos!!!! ;P
Jewels can be auctioned out or pawned...i plan to do that so can be melted into one huge 9999 gold bar!!!
Wedding ring just return to that person loh...urs can just collect dust. If got diamond, get another one to convert into earrings!!!
cheers!
strawberry78
New Member
fitti
hahaha....i thought of the gold bar thing before, i returned them to MIL though cos when she gave me the box of gold stuff, she looked really reluctant so returned her, she gladly took it back!!
thinking back, maybe could have taken it and melted down if i had known she's going to create so much trouble!! a gold bar would be hilarious.
hahaha....i thought of the gold bar thing before, i returned them to MIL though cos when she gave me the box of gold stuff, she looked really reluctant so returned her, she gladly took it back!!
thinking back, maybe could have taken it and melted down if i had known she's going to create so much trouble!! a gold bar would be hilarious.
W
wits-end
Guest
hi. you all sound so calm & happy. i really admire your courage. i am in a delimma. not sure to divorce or stay in the relationship. the main fear - i am not sure if i can survive on my own. he's my first bf & we ve been together for so many yrs. but on the other hand, his family's horrible. they ve great influence on him.
extract of what i posted under "grambling husband":-
i am so confused.. i dun even know whether i can trust him again. he pleads, cries, begs for forgiveness & promises to change. i have given him so many chances since yr 2002 when he first started the gambling till now. every year, he will get into new gambling debts while in the midst of clearing the outstanding ones.
we have been together for 11yrs.. married for 3+yrs.. these 3yrs i have been living in fear that he wld go back to his old gambling days and my fear has always turned into reality. i checked his hp, questioned him now & then, but still i failed to realise he has been gambling away & landed in huge debts because he's so good in his lies & acting. he behaves so normally & assured me & even swear he will never gamble again whenever i bring up the past. i put so much trust in him...i am so heartbroken.
i am not even sure if i can be on my own. maybe we have been together for so long & i am so used to the life..but i really hope to get out of this kind of life...to lead a peaceful life. what contradictions...
i am a simple girl, i dun even mind if he's not earning big bucks...that's why when his biz failed, i stand by him. i always think married life's a bliss, doing things together, and maybe a tour each yr, juz simple life, i never ever think that my married life wld be like that...living in fear each day...not knowing when creditors will come knocking on the door.
he said he will never survive if i were to leave him...his father even questioned will i be happy if i leave him, did i consult him etc. i guess the father sees me as a soft hearted gal who can never survive on my own. i hate if when he asks in such threatening tone...i hate his family. they always get into troubles & my family are always lending them $$ which they never return even though the father always assured & promised. then there's crazy thai sil who hates me & my husband to the core, always making prank calls to my mum's pl & leave scary cursing msgs in my & his phonemail/sms. she's jealous at the time of marriage when my husband's doing well in biz...nt sure if it's superstition or watsoever, thgs ve gone all wrong even since she came into the picture & my husband turned to gambling since his biz failed, trying to recoup his losses to rebuild his biz.
he said he will go for professional counselling this time, he is determined and will change with professional help...shall i believe him??? leave him??? live a better life on my own???
extract of what i posted under "grambling husband":-
i am so confused.. i dun even know whether i can trust him again. he pleads, cries, begs for forgiveness & promises to change. i have given him so many chances since yr 2002 when he first started the gambling till now. every year, he will get into new gambling debts while in the midst of clearing the outstanding ones.
we have been together for 11yrs.. married for 3+yrs.. these 3yrs i have been living in fear that he wld go back to his old gambling days and my fear has always turned into reality. i checked his hp, questioned him now & then, but still i failed to realise he has been gambling away & landed in huge debts because he's so good in his lies & acting. he behaves so normally & assured me & even swear he will never gamble again whenever i bring up the past. i put so much trust in him...i am so heartbroken.
i am not even sure if i can be on my own. maybe we have been together for so long & i am so used to the life..but i really hope to get out of this kind of life...to lead a peaceful life. what contradictions...
i am a simple girl, i dun even mind if he's not earning big bucks...that's why when his biz failed, i stand by him. i always think married life's a bliss, doing things together, and maybe a tour each yr, juz simple life, i never ever think that my married life wld be like that...living in fear each day...not knowing when creditors will come knocking on the door.
he said he will never survive if i were to leave him...his father even questioned will i be happy if i leave him, did i consult him etc. i guess the father sees me as a soft hearted gal who can never survive on my own. i hate if when he asks in such threatening tone...i hate his family. they always get into troubles & my family are always lending them $$ which they never return even though the father always assured & promised. then there's crazy thai sil who hates me & my husband to the core, always making prank calls to my mum's pl & leave scary cursing msgs in my & his phonemail/sms. she's jealous at the time of marriage when my husband's doing well in biz...nt sure if it's superstition or watsoever, thgs ve gone all wrong even since she came into the picture & my husband turned to gambling since his biz failed, trying to recoup his losses to rebuild his biz.
he said he will go for professional counselling this time, he is determined and will change with professional help...shall i believe him??? leave him??? live a better life on my own???
strawberry78
New Member
wits-end
its quite depressing for a gambler esp cos your efforts seem to go downhill...
for me, i have a group of friends who like to subtly compare and compete and to them- divorce is such a huge failure that they whisper the word as D-
probably most of them are graduate couples, healthy income, new cars, executive condos,
i would have been there except i married someone who weighed me down alot, in terms of achieving our goals as a couple -
so cos of his unhappiness with life, demanding MIL, separation, we lost all our savings, condo, and now am servicing my car loan cos if sell lose money...career wise, i am doing ok now, so if discipline can still get back on track as a single parent
honestly i am dying to get my divorce with legal custody of my son -
its too long to wait and very upsetting after i think of the ten steps back in life i had to make while my peers take ten steps ahead -
but then, i think, the lesson learnt though very expensive and crushing even ... is invaluable because after surviving this storm, i can do almost anything!! hehe...
just kidding but emotionally am so much, so much, happier without exHB around...
and given a choice, i don't mind NEVER EVER seeing him or MIL or his ice-age gang anymore for the rest of my life PROVIDED i have my son with me. i don't need him or want him around anymore. in fact, i am shocked - don't know whether he's being foolish or smart...
cos technically the move he made is something i would never have done myself if i were him -
its just not a smart move. but who am i to judge??? i made the silliest move choosing him as my life partner!!
BUT perhaps its because i knew i will have a wonderful kid from the greatest mistake of my life. marrying MR WRONG.
for you - you must decide, do you love him? do you want to be with him? does he love you enough to change? (most importantly)
singapore has avenues of help for gamblers - see the casino debate
get him to seek help - for himself and for your family.
perhaps - many of us, because of some serious mistakes in our lives - will never be able to regain the "GOLDEN" opportunities/time in our lives...
(mine could be wrong marriage partner...but i'll be 30 by the time the divorce is through...hopefully not too late, financially and romantically)...
but we could always try to regain MINI golden opportunities still within our reach -
likewise, i probably can't compare with the golden couple - high flying careers, exec /condos, etc...but i think i can make lemonade out of lemons from my situation and even turn it around.
it really depends on what you want - eventually...
its quite depressing for a gambler esp cos your efforts seem to go downhill...
for me, i have a group of friends who like to subtly compare and compete and to them- divorce is such a huge failure that they whisper the word as D-
probably most of them are graduate couples, healthy income, new cars, executive condos,
i would have been there except i married someone who weighed me down alot, in terms of achieving our goals as a couple -
so cos of his unhappiness with life, demanding MIL, separation, we lost all our savings, condo, and now am servicing my car loan cos if sell lose money...career wise, i am doing ok now, so if discipline can still get back on track as a single parent
honestly i am dying to get my divorce with legal custody of my son -
its too long to wait and very upsetting after i think of the ten steps back in life i had to make while my peers take ten steps ahead -
but then, i think, the lesson learnt though very expensive and crushing even ... is invaluable because after surviving this storm, i can do almost anything!!
hehe... just kidding but emotionally am so much, so much, happier without exHB around...
and given a choice, i don't mind NEVER EVER seeing him or MIL or his ice-age gang anymore for the rest of my life PROVIDED i have my son with me. i don't need him or want him around anymore. in fact, i am shocked - don't know whether he's being foolish or smart...
cos technically the move he made is something i would never have done myself if i were him -
its just not a smart move. but who am i to judge??? i made the silliest move choosing him as my life partner!!
BUT perhaps its because i knew i will have a wonderful kid from the greatest mistake of my life. marrying MR WRONG.
for you - you must decide, do you love him? do you want to be with him? does he love you enough to change? (most importantly)
singapore has avenues of help for gamblers - see the casino debate
get him to seek help - for himself and for your family.
perhaps - many of us, because of some serious mistakes in our lives - will never be able to regain the "GOLDEN" opportunities/time in our lives...
(mine could be wrong marriage partner...but i'll be 30 by the time the divorce is through...hopefully not too late, financially and romantically)...
but we could always try to regain MINI golden opportunities still within our reach -
likewise, i probably can't compare with the golden couple - high flying careers, exec /condos, etc...but i think i can make lemonade out of lemons from my situation and even turn it around.
it really depends on what you want - eventually...
H
how??
Guest
Hi people,
Recently we are having some problems. We were happily married last year and things took a turn this year.
Currently, our finances are very tight so we decide to stop all our recreation expenses in order to save some money.
Our salaries are supposed to be sufficient until a few months ago, he started giving extra to his family. He witheld from me and still continued to spend as per usual until his bank balance shocked me. He was left with 2 digits. So i started to lend him money. Rcently, he bought some souveniors for his colleagues during his overseas work. I was furious as he did not have enough to buy daily necessities and yet, he still spent the precious savings on his colleagues. This is not the first time. And we still got loans to pay.
I am very tired with his generousity with others and never put our family as prority. Told him that I want a separation but he refused. I still love him and I know he does the same for me. But his spending habit is getting out of hand and he refused to see as a problem. Am I too much to ask for separation? Life is like a standstill for us.
Recently we are having some problems. We were happily married last year and things took a turn this year.
Currently, our finances are very tight so we decide to stop all our recreation expenses in order to save some money.
Our salaries are supposed to be sufficient until a few months ago, he started giving extra to his family. He witheld from me and still continued to spend as per usual until his bank balance shocked me. He was left with 2 digits. So i started to lend him money. Rcently, he bought some souveniors for his colleagues during his overseas work. I was furious as he did not have enough to buy daily necessities and yet, he still spent the precious savings on his colleagues. This is not the first time. And we still got loans to pay.
I am very tired with his generousity with others and never put our family as prority. Told him that I want a separation but he refused. I still love him and I know he does the same for me. But his spending habit is getting out of hand and he refused to see as a problem. Am I too much to ask for separation? Life is like a standstill for us.
Singapore Divorcees Facing Alimony/ Child Support Payment Issues.
Hi,
Has anyone or yr friends ever encounter the problem mention in tis thread?
http://forum.mediacorp.com.sg/board/showthread.php?s=&threadid=20796
Really hope more pple can feedback and share their views on the thread and hopefully some authorities would raise tis issue & provide assistances schemes.
Hi,
Has anyone or yr friends ever encounter the problem mention in tis thread?
http://forum.mediacorp.com.sg/board/showthread.php?s=&threadid=20796
Really hope more pple can feedback and share their views on the thread and hopefully some authorities would raise tis issue & provide assistances schemes.
G
glad to be divorced happier now
Guest
Hi wits-end,
U just reminded me about my ex-husband! My exH was worst than yr husband cos all my delivery bills for my 2 children are paid by me which include confinement stuffs & all household expenses.
After his biz failure, he said that he wanted to start another biz so I took my own saving to help (he has nvr given me any money when he's earning big time) but he went to gamble soccer. He owed those bookies more than 4 times (5 figures) and I had to help him again & again, until 1 day he disappear wif my car & refuse to come back & admitted tat he owed bookies money again (tis time 4 figures only). So I assume tat tis is so called improvement.
The reason why he's willing to give up is bcos he had promise in front of Goddes of Mercy & my mum tat he's willing to change if I would give him another chance during our 1st separation. As days go by, he starts to disappear in the afternoon (his time is flexible) which I found out tat he dipped himself in the jackpot room everyday w/o fail & buying private 4D/ Toto from bookies which he don't have to pay until he won or make weekly payment which the amount would be hugh.
Sad to hear, he didn't change his gambling habit as promised. Instead, he started lying & pretend to be clear from gambling which I'm the only one who tot he had change over a new leaf. Whereas everyone else knows tat he was still gambling behind my back.
Not forgetting tat I've to bear all the debts from the credit card and the money he loaned from my mum. After divorced, he had oso defaulted the children maintenance since then which there isn't any way to get the money from cos he reported tat he's not working so no income.
I'm thinking...if we women can oso says we've no income, the only person who would suffers is the child/ children. Don't u think so?
U just reminded me about my ex-husband! My exH was worst than yr husband cos all my delivery bills for my 2 children are paid by me which include confinement stuffs & all household expenses.
After his biz failure, he said that he wanted to start another biz so I took my own saving to help (he has nvr given me any money when he's earning big time) but he went to gamble soccer. He owed those bookies more than 4 times (5 figures) and I had to help him again & again, until 1 day he disappear wif my car & refuse to come back & admitted tat he owed bookies money again (tis time 4 figures only). So I assume tat tis is so called improvement.
The reason why he's willing to give up is bcos he had promise in front of Goddes of Mercy & my mum tat he's willing to change if I would give him another chance during our 1st separation. As days go by, he starts to disappear in the afternoon (his time is flexible) which I found out tat he dipped himself in the jackpot room everyday w/o fail & buying private 4D/ Toto from bookies which he don't have to pay until he won or make weekly payment which the amount would be hugh.
Sad to hear, he didn't change his gambling habit as promised. Instead, he started lying & pretend to be clear from gambling which I'm the only one who tot he had change over a new leaf. Whereas everyone else knows tat he was still gambling behind my back.
Not forgetting tat I've to bear all the debts from the credit card and the money he loaned from my mum. After divorced, he had oso defaulted the children maintenance since then which there isn't any way to get the money from cos he reported tat he's not working so no income.
I'm thinking...if we women can oso says we've no income, the only person who would suffers is the child/ children. Don't u think so?
C
cathy tan
Guest
Hi
Wonder anyone of you have went thru an annulment. I've gone thru an annulment and need some advice on the surrender of HDB flat (bought direct from HDB). HDB quoted me a surrender value of 95% of the purchase price.
Need advice if this is the correct amt cos this is not stated in the lease agreement. Is there anyone who has gotten back the full purchase price?
Thank you.
Wonder anyone of you have went thru an annulment. I've gone thru an annulment and need some advice on the surrender of HDB flat (bought direct from HDB). HDB quoted me a surrender value of 95% of the purchase price.
Need advice if this is the correct amt cos this is not stated in the lease agreement. Is there anyone who has gotten back the full purchase price?
Thank you.
O
on the way...
Guest
Hi Cathy
I just got my annulment too. Yes, HDB will take back at 95%. That's wat the lawyer told us when she did a check. later she then told us that for my case, we need to sell at open mkt, cos its EC. worst still!!
Ya, wat's the time gap btw the first and second annul confirmation letter? I got the first letter, waiting for the second one...
I just got my annulment too. Yes, HDB will take back at 95%. That's wat the lawyer told us when she did a check. later she then told us that for my case, we need to sell at open mkt, cos its EC. worst still!!
Ya, wat's the time gap btw the first and second annul confirmation letter? I got the first letter, waiting for the second one...
L
lostworld!
Guest
Hi all,
I am going through breakdown for my husband. He has been sleeping with few China women which I only found out in April. We tried to work things out and he promised me that he will not do it again. I tried very hard to forgive him, but I can't get it out from my mind.
Last week, a friend told me that she saw my husband holding hand with a China woman in a downtown shopping centre which I started to go crazy again.
My parents and almost all my friends doesn't know about this matter. And I don't know what I should do at this moment. I seeking advice now or I will be soon lost in this world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am going through breakdown for my husband. He has been sleeping with few China women which I only found out in April. We tried to work things out and he promised me that he will not do it again. I tried very hard to forgive him, but I can't get it out from my mind.
Last week, a friend told me that she saw my husband holding hand with a China woman in a downtown shopping centre which I started to go crazy again.
My parents and almost all my friends doesn't know about this matter. And I don't know what I should do at this moment. I seeking advice now or I will be soon lost in this world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
not_so_easy
New Member
lostworld
sorry to hear about what you are going through...do calm down and think what you want to do....
is never easy when you know the betrayal..but it is also possible to salvage....just need alot alot of patience and time....from both...
have a talk with your hb....see how he react....if he admit with remorse....then you have to decide whether or not to forgive him and try to rebuild the r/s....go for counselling....all this do take time......
take care....and have a good cry...you would feel better too after that than bottled up everything in the heart....don't get lost....take a hold of yourself first before you decide what to do alright....
sorry to hear about what you are going through...do calm down and think what you want to do....
is never easy when you know the betrayal..but it is also possible to salvage....just need alot alot of patience and time....from both...
have a talk with your hb....see how he react....if he admit with remorse....then you have to decide whether or not to forgive him and try to rebuild the r/s....go for counselling....all this do take time......
take care....and have a good cry...you would feel better too after that than bottled up everything in the heart....don't get lost....take a hold of yourself first before you decide what to do alright....
C
cathy tan
Guest
Dear on the way,
The time gap between the initial annulment letter and confirmation is abt 3 - 4 mths.
Sorry, may I ask why it's worse off for you to sell your EC in the open mkt? Wouldn't you get a better price than 95% original price?
The time gap between the initial annulment letter and confirmation is abt 3 - 4 mths.
Sorry, may I ask why it's worse off for you to sell your EC in the open mkt? Wouldn't you get a better price than 95% original price?
L
lost world!
Guest
Thanks all for the reply.
I am so sad and my heart sank deep into the deep deep ocean. We spoke on a dinner night and he has admitted that indeed he is still with that woman!!! He told me that it's over between me and him. He will get his lawyer to prepare a divorce in a week or two!!!
I am 27 and we only married for 3 years. We got a flat that I am also helping to repaying back the housing and renovation loan. We both drive a car and I am also helping him to settle 30% of his monthly car installment apart from myself and sometimes road tax and insurance. As his earning is almost 50% less than mine, I am willing to help him in his financial burden.
I help him with all the monthly bills since we got the flat and clean up the house every twice a week. Cook him his favourite food, accomondate him with whatever that please and make him feel happy. Listening to him, spending all my times by his side and now he can be so heartless to tell me that it's over now??? I love him and sacrified so much for the past 7 years, the man that I love the most is leaving???????
I quit from my 5 years job few days ago because I cried every night alone by myself in the bedroom and didn't even sleep and eat for the past week.
I got no one to talk with, really no one to talk with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one knows about it and I really don't know how to and have the courage to let anyone know about it except here!!!!!! I avoid so many calls from my friends. Both my parents are working in England and left with a younger sister here!!!!! How can I share it with her????!!!!!!!!!! She is busy flying!!!!!!
My family and friends will be sad if they know what my husband had did!!! Who in this world can help me now?????!!!!!!!!!!!
I really can't live without him!!! What the hell is going wrong with this world??? Can someone who has the answer tell me why, why, why??? I want him back badly, but please tell me how????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so sad and my heart sank deep into the deep deep ocean. We spoke on a dinner night and he has admitted that indeed he is still with that woman!!! He told me that it's over between me and him. He will get his lawyer to prepare a divorce in a week or two!!!
I am 27 and we only married for 3 years. We got a flat that I am also helping to repaying back the housing and renovation loan. We both drive a car and I am also helping him to settle 30% of his monthly car installment apart from myself and sometimes road tax and insurance. As his earning is almost 50% less than mine, I am willing to help him in his financial burden.
I help him with all the monthly bills since we got the flat and clean up the house every twice a week. Cook him his favourite food, accomondate him with whatever that please and make him feel happy. Listening to him, spending all my times by his side and now he can be so heartless to tell me that it's over now??? I love him and sacrified so much for the past 7 years, the man that I love the most is leaving???????
I quit from my 5 years job few days ago because I cried every night alone by myself in the bedroom and didn't even sleep and eat for the past week.
I got no one to talk with, really no one to talk with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one knows about it and I really don't know how to and have the courage to let anyone know about it except here!!!!!! I avoid so many calls from my friends. Both my parents are working in England and left with a younger sister here!!!!! How can I share it with her????!!!!!!!!!! She is busy flying!!!!!!
My family and friends will be sad if they know what my husband had did!!! Who in this world can help me now?????!!!!!!!!!!!
I really can't live without him!!! What the hell is going wrong with this world??? Can someone who has the answer tell me why, why, why??? I want him back badly, but please tell me how????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
S
same plight
Guest
Lost world, is really sad tat a man u loved betrays you, of all those efforts that u hv contribute to te marriage, be it financially or non-financially.
I am also in te same boat as u. Finanically, i am also 'helping' him out a lot but he still have a change of hearts to te extent tat he even brought tat girl to the hse. Tat is really too much. How would any woman stand this, right?
If you really need someone to tok to, u can drop me at [email protected]
Meanwhile take care and be strong.
I am also in te same boat as u. Finanically, i am also 'helping' him out a lot but he still have a change of hearts to te extent tat he even brought tat girl to the hse. Tat is really too much. How would any woman stand this, right?
If you really need someone to tok to, u can drop me at [email protected]
Meanwhile take care and be strong.
strawberry78
New Member
Lost world,
am just watching desperate housewives, want to let you know that bree made this comment - one day we will all be dead, so let's be nice to each other.
just today, was talking to a colleague about corporate world, some people climb by merit, some by kissing others ass -
but one day, everyone will have to exit, by resignations, backstabbing, demerit, retirement... so like microeconomics - in the long run, we are all dead.
so why take things so hard?
am talking in abit of an abstract here but after going through a separation and single parenthood, i take things much easier now.
take it easy lady!
go for a facial, listen to some nice music, relax, invite a friend over for tea.
chill out.
one day, you'll realize, its no big deal because you have moved on and meet a better guy, or leading a happier single lifestyle.
there are many things worth celebrating in life and it does not have to be romantic love all the time.
so what - we have all met and kissed the toad who NEVER became the prince.
its a common tale and we all lived to tell our story, so hang in there,
be strong
be positive and
you'll be back here telling the same tale
am just watching desperate housewives, want to let you know that bree made this comment - one day we will all be dead, so let's be nice to each other.
just today, was talking to a colleague about corporate world, some people climb by merit, some by kissing others ass -
but one day, everyone will have to exit, by resignations, backstabbing, demerit, retirement... so like microeconomics - in the long run, we are all dead.
so why take things so hard?
am talking in abit of an abstract here but after going through a separation and single parenthood, i take things much easier now.
take it easy lady!
go for a facial, listen to some nice music, relax, invite a friend over for tea.
chill out.
one day, you'll realize, its no big deal because you have moved on and meet a better guy, or leading a happier single lifestyle.
there are many things worth celebrating in life and it does not have to be romantic love all the time.
so what - we have all met and kissed the toad who NEVER became the prince.
its a common tale and we all lived to tell our story, so hang in there,
be strong
be positive and
you'll be back here telling the same tale
HI ladies...
i might be joining this support grp soon.
i checked my hubby hp ( i knew i intruded his privacy, but i just dunno y i itchy hand).
saw a contact named "baby mandy". I was a boiling, and worst still, saw that he called a jb hotel on a day when he is supposed working.
I am still in a shock now... wat to do next?
i might be joining this support grp soon.
i checked my hubby hp ( i knew i intruded his privacy, but i just dunno y i itchy hand).
saw a contact named "baby mandy". I was a boiling, and worst still, saw that he called a jb hotel on a day when he is supposed working.
I am still in a shock now... wat to do next?
Dear la la...
Maybe u want to find out abit more about ur hubby's activities. I mean, it may be a misunderstanding or a prank by a friend or something...
Of course, u should also be prepared to hear things you do not wish to hear but honestly, i feel that differences and misunderstandings should be sorted out if there is any.
A marriage is too sacred to just let go just like that unless one or both parties have really walked out with no intention of returning.
Strawberry,
Nice to read your posting...you are indeed very strong and independant. I wish you and ur son all the best!
Pls take good care, ladies! Be good to yourselves. Yes, go for that monthly facial and pedicure and everythg else that will make you feel and look good. Sounds shallow but hey, after sacrificing so much for the men who hurt us, isn't it high time to be nicer to ourselves? We deserve every good thing on earth...men as well. The last thing we wanna do is to continue allowing ourselves to be shortchanged...
Cheerios!
Maybe u want to find out abit more about ur hubby's activities. I mean, it may be a misunderstanding or a prank by a friend or something...
Of course, u should also be prepared to hear things you do not wish to hear but honestly, i feel that differences and misunderstandings should be sorted out if there is any.
A marriage is too sacred to just let go just like that unless one or both parties have really walked out with no intention of returning.
Strawberry,
Nice to read your posting...you are indeed very strong and independant. I wish you and ur son all the best!
Pls take good care, ladies! Be good to yourselves. Yes, go for that monthly facial and pedicure and everythg else that will make you feel and look good. Sounds shallow but hey, after sacrificing so much for the men who hurt us, isn't it high time to be nicer to ourselves? We deserve every good thing on earth...men as well. The last thing we wanna do is to continue allowing ourselves to be shortchanged...
Cheerios!
dear lost world...my heart goes out to u...and to all the women who have been betrayed. I offer my friendship to u if u really need someone to tok to. [email protected]
Lala, have faith, a lot of it. I agree with fitti, dun let the suspicion grow and brew inside u. Bring it out to the open, confront him, let him have a chance to explain. If indeed your worst fear came true, at least u have the chance to exorcise the thots and face the reality then having to 2nd guess it every night. We are all here. If u need to talk, we're all here. My email is as above.
Lala, have faith, a lot of it. I agree with fitti, dun let the suspicion grow and brew inside u. Bring it out to the open, confront him, let him have a chance to explain. If indeed your worst fear came true, at least u have the chance to exorcise the thots and face the reality then having to 2nd guess it every night. We are all here. If u need to talk, we're all here. My email is as above.
H
how2
Guest
hi, i am really glad that i found a plc to let off my steam. i am recently in this case also.
Recently, I discovered that my husband of 3 years has an affair with his colleague about 2 weeks ago. I was naive then to believe that they are platonic friends. He also admitted. We have a cute little boy only 18 months old. I am willing to forgive and forget but he is telling me now that he loves the girl more than me. He still does not realise that this is the beginning of love courtship. I reminded him that we were also like that when we met each other 11 years ago!
I left home once last weekend with my baby to my sister place cos I was really very very upset. I did not tell anybody about this and bottled myself up for more than 3 days that I decided that I could not take it anymore. During the 5 days I was away, my HB chided me selfish for breaking him and baby up and all the crap. Then, I went home the following week, thinking that I was really wrong for taking baby away.
The following ten days were a torture. I think I kinda of went through hell. Seeing him enjoying and talking, SMS on phone with the girl, staying out almost every night at the girl's place, coming home with love bites. I tolerated all these, cos I still bear the hope of him returning to us. He has not decided who to choose yet.
Then, yesterday, I asked him to fetch our baby from childcare cos I have work to do, but requested that he does not go with that slut. He gave me a cynical attitude without agreeing. This got the top of me! I told him I can take all nonsense and hurt but not to allowing her to see my baby cos she is the shameless girl who breaks our family up. In a moment of anger, he said divorce.
Then, he asked me in SMS on who will take the baby if we go for divorce. I said I want and if he wants, we will go to court. I said he does not deserve him at all since he did not think of the consequences when he made that mistake. That night, we had a big fight cos I requested that either he leaves or we leave the house. I can no longer tolerate his face and actions and don't want to suffer. He said I can leave if I want but not the baby. He does not need to leave cos the house belongs to him also. I can take the baby away secretly again but think I should not.
What should I do now? I am really at a loss. While we proceed to sort out the divorce matters (not sure to file based on adultery or not), I really don't want to be in the same house as him.
I left home once last weekend with my baby to my sister place cos I was really very very upset. I did not tell anybody about this and bottled myself up for more than 3 days that I decided that I could not take it anymore. During the 5 days I was away, my HB chided me selfish for breaking him and baby up and all the crap. Then, I went home the following week, thinking that I was really wrong for taking baby away.
The following ten days were a torture. I think I kinda of went through hell. Seeing him enjoying and talking, SMS on phone with the girl, staying out almost every night at the girl's place, coming home with love bites. I tolerated all these, cos I still bear the hope of him returning to us. He has not decided who to choose yet.
Then, yesterday, I asked him to fetch our baby from childcare cos I have work to do, but requested that he does not go with that slut. He gave me a cynical attitude without agreeing. This got the top of me! I told him I can take all nonsense and hurt but not to allowing her to see my baby cos she is the shameless girl who breaks our family up. In a moment of anger, he said divorce.
Then, he asked me in SMS on who will take the baby if we go for divorce. I said I want and if he wants, we will go to court. I said he does not deserve him at all since he did not think of the consequences when he made that mistake. That night, we had a big fight cos I requested that either he leaves or we leave the house. I can no longer tolerate his face and actions and don't want to suffer. He said I can leave if I want but not the baby. He does not need to leave cos the house belongs to him also. I can take the baby away secretly again but think I should not.
What should I do now? I am really at a loss. While we proceed to sort out the divorce matters (not sure to file based on adultery or not), I really don't want to be in the same house as him.
hi apple1401,
my heart goes out to you. I am in a simiar situation, except that i am without a child
I can understand that u dont want to be in the same house as him. Me too, thats y i decided to move in to my mum's place. The feeling is very different.In my mum's place, i find peace. In my own home, i sensed betrayal, hurt.
Pls dun bottle up your feelings. U will feel better if u pour out. Are u close to your sis? IS it possible that u talk to her?
dont be guilty of taking ur baby with u. His behaviour is a very bad example to ur son.
sorry my advice is very bad cos i really dunno wat to say.. i myself also in a mess
my heart goes out to you. I am in a simiar situation, except that i am without a child
I can understand that u dont want to be in the same house as him. Me too, thats y i decided to move in to my mum's place. The feeling is very different.In my mum's place, i find peace. In my own home, i sensed betrayal, hurt.
Pls dun bottle up your feelings. U will feel better if u pour out. Are u close to your sis? IS it possible that u talk to her?
dont be guilty of taking ur baby with u. His behaviour is a very bad example to ur son.
sorry my advice is very bad cos i really dunno wat to say.. i myself also in a mess
strawberry78
New Member
apple
how about taking out separation DOS? so you have three years to decide, romantic love will fade away so within these three years, you can monitor the situation.
meanwhile, DOS separation will help to settle the child support, custody issues.
think about it.
so like a trial divorce, but note, with a DOS, after 4 years, either party can proceed with a real divorce without the consent of the other.
take care.
how about taking out separation DOS? so you have three years to decide, romantic love will fade away so within these three years, you can monitor the situation.
meanwhile, DOS separation will help to settle the child support, custody issues.
think about it.
so like a trial divorce, but note, with a DOS, after 4 years, either party can proceed with a real divorce without the consent of the other.
take care.
H
hurt before
Guest
It hurts to hear that fellow ladies have to tolerate all these nonsense from men!
Please, friends, I also believe that women have our own pride. If the man so believe that he has every right to have an affair and yet openly admit it and still be unreasonable, then I would say the man do not deserve our patience and love. What more that we women carried their baby for 9 months before bringing him to the world and this is what we get.
I strongly advise professional counselling before you think of divorce. Divorce is a very painful road, esp if you have a child. If this is the first time that the affair has happened, give your marriage another try, for the sake of your child. But pls do it only if the man comes with an open mind. It takes both hands to clap for counselling to work. If he so believes that he does not want this family anymore, then you deserve a better man.
I wish all troubled friends have more faith in themselves and be strong. Sometimes I feel it's better to feel hate than sink in sorrow. Do not take pity on yourself. You are worth more than you think. Have faith in yourself.
Take care.
Please, friends, I also believe that women have our own pride. If the man so believe that he has every right to have an affair and yet openly admit it and still be unreasonable, then I would say the man do not deserve our patience and love. What more that we women carried their baby for 9 months before bringing him to the world and this is what we get.
I strongly advise professional counselling before you think of divorce. Divorce is a very painful road, esp if you have a child. If this is the first time that the affair has happened, give your marriage another try, for the sake of your child. But pls do it only if the man comes with an open mind. It takes both hands to clap for counselling to work. If he so believes that he does not want this family anymore, then you deserve a better man.
I wish all troubled friends have more faith in themselves and be strong. Sometimes I feel it's better to feel hate than sink in sorrow. Do not take pity on yourself. You are worth more than you think. Have faith in yourself.
Take care.
Thanks for your concern from la la, strawberry78 and Hurt before.
I sometimes think that I may be insane. How can I tolerate such a man in my life? But I really can take it very calmly talking to him and saying that I am ever ready to forgive and welcome him back to our arms. I did not give up hope. I always believe that Divorce should not be the solution cos I really don't want my baby to suffer for the rest of his life due to the mistake his daddy made in a moment of folly.
I would very much want to go for professional counselling and have asked him to go with me if he so decided to work hard on our relationship. But he is a very egoistic man and is not willing to go. Till now, he still insisted that it is my fault that our marriage comes to this point. He said that I did not respect him as a man, always making decisions on my own, don't want to have second baby and etc. I believe I could be a contributing factor and told him that I will work hard again together with him. As what Hurt Before mentioned, he has to be open. Now, his mind and heart are shut. He does not even want to give it a try, only has his new goddess at heart cos she makes him feel loved and needed. Before yesterday when he said file for divorce, he is very troubled on who to choose cos he knows that I have stand by him for the past 10 years no matter how hard life is and that I have sacrificed a lot to be with him (my family and friends all do not favour our marriage cos we have too wide an education gap 'O' levels & Uni graduate). Now, sometimes I wonder, is it really this difference in us that is causing this? I am inclined to think that it is not the case.
Nobody in his family knows about this yet. I am undecided on whether to tell his parents. He will surely be jumping mad if he finds out that I inform his parents cos he respects and is very filial to them. I am sure his father will be very angry and will demand him to give up that girl.
Did anybody confront their third party before? I have this strong urge to go to this cheap slut, scold and slap her. But I know, by doing this, he will hate me more.
I sometimes think that I may be insane. How can I tolerate such a man in my life? But I really can take it very calmly talking to him and saying that I am ever ready to forgive and welcome him back to our arms. I did not give up hope. I always believe that Divorce should not be the solution cos I really don't want my baby to suffer for the rest of his life due to the mistake his daddy made in a moment of folly.
I would very much want to go for professional counselling and have asked him to go with me if he so decided to work hard on our relationship. But he is a very egoistic man and is not willing to go. Till now, he still insisted that it is my fault that our marriage comes to this point. He said that I did not respect him as a man, always making decisions on my own, don't want to have second baby and etc. I believe I could be a contributing factor and told him that I will work hard again together with him. As what Hurt Before mentioned, he has to be open. Now, his mind and heart are shut. He does not even want to give it a try, only has his new goddess at heart cos she makes him feel loved and needed. Before yesterday when he said file for divorce, he is very troubled on who to choose cos he knows that I have stand by him for the past 10 years no matter how hard life is and that I have sacrificed a lot to be with him (my family and friends all do not favour our marriage cos we have too wide an education gap 'O' levels & Uni graduate). Now, sometimes I wonder, is it really this difference in us that is causing this? I am inclined to think that it is not the case.
Nobody in his family knows about this yet. I am undecided on whether to tell his parents. He will surely be jumping mad if he finds out that I inform his parents cos he respects and is very filial to them. I am sure his father will be very angry and will demand him to give up that girl.
Did anybody confront their third party before? I have this strong urge to go to this cheap slut, scold and slap her. But I know, by doing this, he will hate me more.
hi apple0401,
i can see so many similarities in our marriage. At first mine also says that he wants a divorce and feel very troubled who to choose. But yesterday he called and ask whether we should give each other a chance. I am taking a step at a time.
I think you should not tell his parents. Its is own responsibility to answer to his family. I wanted to talk to the other lady when i was emotionally unstable. I dont want to scold or slap, just want to see who is she,y my husband is attracted to her. But when my mind is clearer, i feel that who is she , why they started, what they did is not important anymore. The main problems lies between me & him.
apple,
i know it is difficult. Lets stand strong. do drop me a mail [email protected] if u need someone to talk to.
i can see so many similarities in our marriage. At first mine also says that he wants a divorce and feel very troubled who to choose. But yesterday he called and ask whether we should give each other a chance. I am taking a step at a time.
I think you should not tell his parents. Its is own responsibility to answer to his family. I wanted to talk to the other lady when i was emotionally unstable. I dont want to scold or slap, just want to see who is she,y my husband is attracted to her. But when my mind is clearer, i feel that who is she , why they started, what they did is not important anymore. The main problems lies between me & him.
apple,
i know it is difficult. Lets stand strong. do drop me a mail [email protected] if u need someone to talk to.
Hi Strawberry78 and any single mums out here,
How do you cope with the stress of being a single mum?
Now I am clear that this man is not for me but little fearful of the life ahead.
Before this, I was scared. Partly, I was fearful of the days ahead. I don't know whether I can live a life of my own with my BB. I am worried about the stigma of being a single mum. I am not sure whether I can handle the things that are coming along. How am I going to answer to my BB when he asks where is daddy? Is he going to draw a family portrait of only mummy and him? It's totally not fair to an innocent life like him. That's why I still cling onto the hope that he will wake up and come back to us and think that I do not pursue the Adultery path. But would he appreciate it ?
How do you cope with the stress of being a single mum?
Now I am clear that this man is not for me but little fearful of the life ahead.
Before this, I was scared. Partly, I was fearful of the days ahead. I don't know whether I can live a life of my own with my BB. I am worried about the stigma of being a single mum. I am not sure whether I can handle the things that are coming along. How am I going to answer to my BB when he asks where is daddy? Is he going to draw a family portrait of only mummy and him? It's totally not fair to an innocent life like him. That's why I still cling onto the hope that he will wake up and come back to us and think that I do not pursue the Adultery path. But would he appreciate it ?
strawberry78
New Member
apple,
actually my boy is not much older than yours, he's 22 months.
best situation is your husband realize he's wrong and you have a complete family
but if the shove comes to push, then don't worry too much, your child will cope. maybe mine is still too young to tell but when ppl ask him, he says his dad is working - not sure where he learn that from... his dad does come back and visit him often so its not that he doesn't have a dad but just that the dad does not stay with him.
everyone has a dad in this world, just what type, where and role the dad play.
just like cakes, some are sara lee, some are gourmet cakes from bakers inn, some are homemade chocolate cakes - likewise,
there are -
good dads
bad dads
absent dads
present dads
alcoholic dads
workaholic dads
rich dads
poor dads...
like kiyosaki says...
so its really a matter of perspective and explaining as you see fit.
but i am the type who can rationalize and talk till the cows come home. but truth is, you got to be honest with yourself and evaluate your best action to deal with your current situation.
be calm
be strong and
most of all, be UNAFRAID to take the best step for yourself and your BB.
whether to,
beg him to return
beg the woman to leave him
tell the woman to leave your husband alone
file a DOS for separation
consult a lawyer to fight for your alimony, child support or
simply, DO NOTHING,
let him be with the woman and with you and your BB. and slowly build up your own life, happiness, until you are ready to make a decision -
whatever you choose, best of luck,
Ivana trump once said, "don't get mad, GET EVERYTHING!"
of course, that's cos she's married to donald trump but for the most of all, practicality is the best solution most of the time.
and practicality includes thinking out of the box as well.
actually my boy is not much older than yours, he's 22 months.
best situation is your husband realize he's wrong and you have a complete family
but if the shove comes to push, then don't worry too much, your child will cope. maybe mine is still too young to tell but when ppl ask him, he says his dad is working - not sure where he learn that from... his dad does come back and visit him often so its not that he doesn't have a dad but just that the dad does not stay with him.
everyone has a dad in this world, just what type, where and role the dad play.
just like cakes, some are sara lee, some are gourmet cakes from bakers inn, some are homemade chocolate cakes - likewise,
there are -
good dads
bad dads
absent dads
present dads
alcoholic dads
workaholic dads
rich dads
poor dads...
like kiyosaki says...
so its really a matter of perspective and explaining as you see fit.
but i am the type who can rationalize and talk till the cows come home. but truth is, you got to be honest with yourself and evaluate your best action to deal with your current situation.
be calm
be strong and
most of all, be UNAFRAID to take the best step for yourself and your BB.
whether to,
beg him to return
beg the woman to leave him
tell the woman to leave your husband alone
file a DOS for separation
consult a lawyer to fight for your alimony, child support or
simply, DO NOTHING,
let him be with the woman and with you and your BB. and slowly build up your own life, happiness, until you are ready to make a decision -
whatever you choose, best of luck,
Ivana trump once said, "don't get mad, GET EVERYTHING!"
of course, that's cos she's married to donald trump but for the most of all, practicality is the best solution most of the time.
and practicality includes thinking out of the box as well.
unwantedman33
Member
havent been here for a while.
We do have a support group here - I join the group for activities and it is really easy to be part of the group because there is no questions ask, everyone is in the same boat.
We do have a support group here - I join the group for activities and it is really easy to be part of the group because there is no questions ask, everyone is in the same boat.
unwantedman33
Member
la la,
Sure. although we are currently not very active, we do organize activities. We have a mailing list and sometimes we do yahoo chat online (nowadays much less).
My email is: [email protected], Yahoo id is: terminator33sg. Please provide us with you contact, email, yahoo id, etc etc.. We will keep you posted
Sure. although we are currently not very active, we do organize activities. We have a mailing list and sometimes we do yahoo chat online (nowadays much less).
My email is: [email protected], Yahoo id is: terminator33sg. Please provide us with you contact, email, yahoo id, etc etc.. We will keep you posted
S
separated
Guest
Hi, I hope you dun mind me intruding here. I hv posted my qn in another divorce thread but didnt get any reply there.
I have signed the Deed of Separation and the 3 yrs period will end in Jun 06. Can I know if I can proceed to sell my HDB flat? My lawyer said I can proceed and the HDB Branch Office also confirmed that. However, when my agt called HDB to double check, they told her I'll need to wait till the divorce is finalised before I can sell e flat off! She called 3 different officers and they all told her the same thing.
Does anyone has experience in this? Really appreciate your advice. Thanks!
I have signed the Deed of Separation and the 3 yrs period will end in Jun 06. Can I know if I can proceed to sell my HDB flat? My lawyer said I can proceed and the HDB Branch Office also confirmed that. However, when my agt called HDB to double check, they told her I'll need to wait till the divorce is finalised before I can sell e flat off! She called 3 different officers and they all told her the same thing.
Does anyone has experience in this? Really appreciate your advice. Thanks!
strawberry78
New Member
separated,
in that case, you'll probably need to wait for divorce to finalized to sell.
want to ask you, how do we finalize the divorce after 3 yrs? will we have to attend court or the divorce terms will follow DOS?
thanks
in that case, you'll probably need to wait for divorce to finalized to sell.
want to ask you, how do we finalize the divorce after 3 yrs? will we have to attend court or the divorce terms will follow DOS?
thanks
S
separated
Guest
Hi strawberry78,
thanks for your reply. I was hoping to sell my flat off earlier so the divorce will be 'cleaner' in the sense that we do not have to be bothered about the division of matrimonial assets.
According to my lawyer, when the 3 yr is up, one of us will have to proceed to file for a divorce based on ground of 3 yr separation. The terms can differ from the DOS. Like you, I also have a son. The lawyer told me I only have interim custoday now, i.e., his dad can still contest for his custody when we file for divorce. However, I was assured that the chance of me gettign custody is higher since my boy has been with me since birth. In addition, your spouse can also contest to other terms like alimony, access to child, etc.
I do not think you need to attend court. Your lawyer should be able to file the case on your behalf.
thanks for your reply. I was hoping to sell my flat off earlier so the divorce will be 'cleaner' in the sense that we do not have to be bothered about the division of matrimonial assets.
According to my lawyer, when the 3 yr is up, one of us will have to proceed to file for a divorce based on ground of 3 yr separation. The terms can differ from the DOS. Like you, I also have a son. The lawyer told me I only have interim custoday now, i.e., his dad can still contest for his custody when we file for divorce. However, I was assured that the chance of me gettign custody is higher since my boy has been with me since birth. In addition, your spouse can also contest to other terms like alimony, access to child, etc.
I do not think you need to attend court. Your lawyer should be able to file the case on your behalf.