Support group - Divorce

[hopeful]

Hi Apple0401,

My child was only 16 months when my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. I was like u, did not know what to do. Kept thinking of my poor child. What would happen to her?How can I allow her to grow up without both parents living in the same roof. In fact, I told him this concern but he only said " As long as the child knows that both her parents love her but the parents are not able to stay together, the child will be ok." I was devastated to hear that. Well, what can I say? His heart was already with that china gal at that time.

Well, now that my child is going to be 2 yrs old and I have already come to terms with the fact that she will grow up in an incomplete family, it makes me more determined to love her more....Of course, the child will always feel that she is "different" from the rest of her friends, but I dun have a choice. I think, rather than staying as a unhappy couple for the sake of the child and let her sense the unhappiness, maybe it would be better for her to spend happy times with her father and mother on separate occasions?? I really hope it works.

The process of coming to terms with all those fears is a long and scary one. Don't think that the child will be short-changed. Rather think positive that u will give the child more more love...

Despite saying that, please see if you can salvage the marriage or not. If you feel that you cannot forgive ur hb, then there is really no pt to stay together. I tried for one month after his confession. Finally, I gave up because he showed no remorse at all. He was not sorry for the fact that he has fallen for that gal. In fact, I believe that he was very happy that I was willing to leave him. He even announced to friends that we were separated the moment I left to my mother's house, of course, quoting the reason that we are incompartible. Thinking of that now, my heart hurts so much....

Well, sorry to blah blah here...Apple, just want to let you know that single-mum hood is not easy at all. U have to be mentally prepared for it. But I would rather be a single-mum than to keep a husband, a father whose heart is already not with the family but with another woman............

BE STRONG!

 

[unwantedman33]

apple0401,

No one approve of her behaviour but what is the point right? The more people do not approve the worse it can get. It is quite pointless. The reason for the exposure is that it will make everything out in the open - you do not have to tell lies for him anymore and let him face his family. If you are thinking hiding the affair will save his face and your marriage then you are very wrong - he won't feel remorseful.

I am telling you to expose the affair so that you have a earlier break - I know the feeling of being alone and being the only one to know of the affair. Mine is much more complicated - I have three kids - 14, 9 and 2 years respectively. I struggled for so long and suffered so much to keep the affair from the children - but it was quite pointless because I thought I could save her face and the marriage by not letting the children know. I thought that keeping from the children will allow her to come back and allow her to be able to face the children. I was wrong. When someone is in the thick of an affair, nothing matters anymore. I exposed her affair to the children and at least it did one thing - it ended her affair.

I know that every case is different but I can tell you, keeping the affair secret is not a wise thing to do. Expose it, for better or for worse - at least it is out in the open.

And don't worry for your little boy. I am not saying that he will not be affected but really, in the circumstances, as Sally had said, it is better to be separated and be happy rather than be together and be depressed everyday. You just need to love your child more.

And yes, I have re-discovered the joy of fatherhood and my children are now so much closer to me than ever. Right now I may even say that I am relishing the role of being a single-father. It is tough but it is very rewarding.

If you want more support, you can join our support group. We have like-minded people to talk/chat and organize activities. There are a couple of single mums with young children as well in our group.

 

[unwantedman33]

apple0401,

No one approve of her behaviour but what is the point right? The more people do not approve the worse it can get. It is quite pointless. The reason for the exposure is that it will make everything out in the open - you do not have to tell lies for him anymore and let him face his family. If you are thinking hiding the affair will save his face and your marriage then you are very wrong - he won't feel remorseful.

I am telling you to expose the affair so that you have a earlier break - I know the feeling of being alone and being the only one to know of the affair. Mine is much more complicated - I have three kids - 14, 9 and 2 years respectively. I struggled for so long and suffered so much to keep the affair from the children - but it was quite pointless because I thought I could save her face and the marriage by not letting the children know. I thought that keeping from the children will allow her to come back and allow her to be able to face the children. I was wrong. When someone is in the thick of an affair, nothing matters anymore. I exposed her affair to the children and at least it did one thing - it ended her affair.

I know that every case is different but I can tell you, keeping the affair secret is not a wise thing to do. Expose it, for better or for worse - at least it is out in the open.

And don't worry for your little boy. I am not saying that he will not be affected but really, in the circumstances, as Sally had said, it is better to be separated and be happy rather than be together and be depressed everyday. You just need to love your child more.

And yes, I have re-discovered the joy of fatherhood and my children are now so much closer to me than ever. Right now I may even say that I am relishing the role of being a single-father. It is tough but it is very rewarding.

If you want more support, you can join our support group. We have like-minded people to talk/chat and organize activities. There are a couple of single mums with young children as well in our group.

 

[stitches]

apple0401,

I agree with unwantedman33. Please expose the affair. There's no point in keeping it within you and being the only one to bear it and keep up a front and lie just to cover things up in front of friends and relatives. I did this for months and suffered physically (sick often that GP commented that why always go see him, lost few kg etc), mentally (depressed, sick with lies, loss at what to let the kids know, numerous quarrels, and worst of all - harassment from the 3rd party) and at work.

There was no remorse / repentance, even though forgiveness took place many times... during those months and beyond. The mental torment during then was more than what I could bear and I had many breakdowns.

Apple, you asked how to the other party's friends and relatives take to the news? Well, oddly, some 'support' but most don't. Sometimes it seems like the only pple that still want to be around him are those who do not know what he has done. My relatives are closer now than ever before when they knew of my situation. This extended family rallying support is proving to be great for my children and me.

Yet, there are the children who need me to be strong for them. It is not easy to be a single parent. I often feel that I have to fend for them and shelter them from everything. There's more quality time now and we enjoy it.

So, Apple, be strong.

 

[stitches]

apple0401,

I agree with unwantedman33. Please expose the affair. There's no point in keeping it within you and being the only one to bear it and keep up a front and lie just to cover things up in front of friends and relatives. I did this for months and suffered physically (sick often that GP commented that why always go see him, lost few kg etc), mentally (depressed, sick with lies, loss at what to let the kids know, numerous quarrels, and worst of all - harassment from the 3rd party) and at work.

There was no remorse / repentance, even though forgiveness took place many times... during those months and beyond. The mental torment during then was more than what I could bear and I had many breakdowns.

Apple, you asked how to the other party's friends and relatives take to the news? Well, oddly, some 'support' but most don't. Sometimes it seems like the only pple that still want to be around him are those who do not know what he has done. My relatives are closer now than ever before when they knew of my situation. This extended family rallying support is proving to be great for my children and me.

Yet, there are the children who need me to be strong for them. It is not easy to be a single parent. I often feel that I have to fend for them and shelter them from everything. There's more quality time now and we enjoy it.

So, Apple, be strong.

 

[apple0401]

Thanks to Sally, unwanted man and stitches. I really appreciate your effort in responding to me and sharing with me your experiences.

You have made me more determined to do it. Will update all when I have done it this week. I keep telling myself that I have to be strong. I have this very big urge and need to look for that woman and tell her everything that I feel. No specific objectives. Just want to see and talk to her and take a close look and feel of the one who is causing our family to break.

I would very much like to join the support group and meet up with the single mums. Am wondering how the mums managed to meet up with the group, esp with the kids.

 

[apple0401]

Thanks to Sally, unwanted man and stitches. I really appreciate your effort in responding to me and sharing with me your experiences.

You have made me more determined to do it. Will update all when I have done it this week. I keep telling myself that I have to be strong. I have this very big urge and need to look for that woman and tell her everything that I feel. No specific objectives. Just want to see and talk to her and take a close look and feel of the one who is causing our family to break.

I would very much like to join the support group and meet up with the single mums. Am wondering how the mums managed to meet up with the group, esp with the kids.

 

[stitches]

Hi Apple,

am not sure if you want to go look for that woman. Suggest that you do not. What would you achieve? I doubt it would matter to her and how would it help you?

Also, i feel that i have a part to play in the marriage breaking down (albeit a teensy weensy bit... haha) you could sit back and take a close look and feel of your husband, for he is also the one causing your family to break.

If there is a way, do try salvaging.

 

[stitches]

Hi Apple,

am not sure if you want to go look for that woman. Suggest that you do not. What would you achieve? I doubt it would matter to her and how would it help you?

Also, i feel that i have a part to play in the marriage breaking down (albeit a teensy weensy bit... haha) you could sit back and take a close look and feel of your husband, for he is also the one causing your family to break.

If there is a way, do try salvaging.

 

[hopeful]

Hi Apple,
dun mention. I agree with stitches. No point looking for that woman because it will hurt u even more. For me, I dun even want to see her at all. Call it escapism but that is what I feel.

Exposing affair is not a simple thing. I only told my own family after he confessed everything. Actually I suspected his affair since June. Being hoping that it is not true and he will never do that. Be prepared that he will deny after u expose him..but the earlier ur family knows abt it, the better it is..as for the rest, u can always tell when u r ready. No need to let the world know because he can spin many stories to cover his backside. Mine did that. The greatest liar in the world. He could lie through his teeth. I wonder if he has any conscience at all! Maybe, it is eaten by the dog. Well, the truth will prevail.....


Simpleman is doing a great job looking after his 3 children. It is really not easy for a man to handle this. I really salute him.

Again, be strong and be of good courage. Whatever religion u believe, believe that GOd will look after you. Bad things happen for a reason....count your blessing that u get to know what kind of person he is early then when you are old and too dependent on him.. I counted mine. Though with lots of headaches, bitterness, anger, sadness, frustrations, grievances, pain and finally, a wounded and "dead" heart.........

You are NOT alone.....................

 

[hopeful]

Hi Apple,
dun mention. I agree with stitches. No point looking for that woman because it will hurt u even more. For me, I dun even want to see her at all. Call it escapism but that is what I feel.

Exposing affair is not a simple thing. I only told my own family after he confessed everything. Actually I suspected his affair since June. Being hoping that it is not true and he will never do that. Be prepared that he will deny after u expose him..but the earlier ur family knows abt it, the better it is..as for the rest, u can always tell when u r ready. No need to let the world know because he can spin many stories to cover his backside. Mine did that. The greatest liar in the world. He could lie through his teeth. I wonder if he has any conscience at all! Maybe, it is eaten by the dog. Well, the truth will prevail.....


Simpleman is doing a great job looking after his 3 children. It is really not easy for a man to handle this. I really salute him.

Again, be strong and be of good courage. Whatever religion u believe, believe that GOd will look after you. Bad things happen for a reason....count your blessing that u get to know what kind of person he is early then when you are old and too dependent on him.. I counted mine. Though with lots of headaches, bitterness, anger, sadness, frustrations, grievances, pain and finally, a wounded and "dead" heart.........

You are NOT alone.....................

 

[unwantedman33]

apple0401, As mentioned by stiches and Sally it is quite pointless for you to meet that woman. You tell her how you feel, so what? It actually does nothing to you except maybe more hurt.

Irregardless of whether you want to be separated/divorced from your husband or you want to be together with him - the first step is still the same - expose the affair. After that, you have to be strong and live separately from your husband until

1) Then he eventually leave that woman and come back to you

or

2) He will leave you for good.

Either way, you have to be strong and work towards a life without a husband until such time ...

As for joining the group, you are definitely welcome. For those single mum, sometimes we organize activities such that they can bring their kids as well. Other times, they will arrange for some baby-sitting arrangement.

 

[unwantedman33]

apple0401, As mentioned by stiches and Sally it is quite pointless for you to meet that woman. You tell her how you feel, so what? It actually does nothing to you except maybe more hurt.

Irregardless of whether you want to be separated/divorced from your husband or you want to be together with him - the first step is still the same - expose the affair. After that, you have to be strong and live separately from your husband until

1) Then he eventually leave that woman and come back to you

or

2) He will leave you for good.

Either way, you have to be strong and work towards a life without a husband until such time ...

As for joining the group, you are definitely welcome. For those single mum, sometimes we organize activities such that they can bring their kids as well. Other times, they will arrange for some baby-sitting arrangement.

 

[dingo_beans]

When I learnt about the affair my wife was having, I broadcasted to her family as well. Hoping that her family will join me in pressuring her to return. I can still remember how her sister cried when I broke that news. Walking out of the house, I felt victorious.."Heh heh.. putting her to shame, she's gonna bear the consequences of getting the music". Hence I waited...

and waited...



but nothing happened.

End of the day, blood is thicker than water and I learnt that even when a son committed murder, the family will find means to forgive their own blood. (Speaking in general terms. There're exceptions of course).

My wife is very rebellious kind. The more pressure I apply on her, the more she'll fight against. Hence instead of bringing her back, I was literally pushing her away. (Perhaps things could be different otherwise?)

Anyway Apple, am not in the position to advise you in breaking or not breaking this news.
Situation varies from case to case, you know your husband's character better and for this important decision, it's not ME but YOU that have to live with it for the rest of your life. What I can do is to share my experience and hopefully provide some insights into consequences of my own actions.

Re meeting the 3rd party, I met mine too.

Did some deep thinking in the ward, so first thing I did coming out was to ask him out. He agreed.

The atmosphere was neither confrontational nor argumentative. There wasn't accusation nor pulling of collars. Quietly, over a cup of coffee, we discussed about the woman we both love. From me learning how their friendships grew into love to learning how I've ignored her needs. From discussing the pain she must be in right now to what is best for her in the future.

In a short conversation, I grew and learnt so much about my wife, about love and life. But things varies of course. Are you ready for it? What questions are you going to ask, and how shall you carry yourself if she gets nasty? Again, Not in the position to advice.

Re support group, in my VERY own opinion,
it helps in lending support and listening ear. On the other hand, meeting people in similar situation MIGHT leads you to finding quick solution externally? Reading your story, I think there's really chance for you to salvage this marriage. Wouldn't it be better to lock both of you in a room? ha..

Always believe in reconciling and salvaging broken marriages. If he shows signs of repent, why not give him another chance? Ever consider seeking a marriage councillor? How'bout his close friend, can they mediate?

Take care. Will pray for ya.

 

[dingo_beans]

When I learnt about the affair my wife was having, I broadcasted to her family as well. Hoping that her family will join me in pressuring her to return. I can still remember how her sister cried when I broke that news. Walking out of the house, I felt victorious.."Heh heh.. putting her to shame, she's gonna bear the consequences of getting the music". Hence I waited...

and waited...



but nothing happened.

End of the day, blood is thicker than water and I learnt that even when a son committed murder, the family will find means to forgive their own blood. (Speaking in general terms. There're exceptions of course).

My wife is very rebellious kind. The more pressure I apply on her, the more she'll fight against. Hence instead of bringing her back, I was literally pushing her away. (Perhaps things could be different otherwise?)

Anyway Apple, am not in the position to advise you in breaking or not breaking this news.
Situation varies from case to case, you know your husband's character better and for this important decision, it's not ME but YOU that have to live with it for the rest of your life. What I can do is to share my experience and hopefully provide some insights into consequences of my own actions.

Re meeting the 3rd party, I met mine too.

Did some deep thinking in the ward, so first thing I did coming out was to ask him out. He agreed.

The atmosphere was neither confrontational nor argumentative. There wasn't accusation nor pulling of collars. Quietly, over a cup of coffee, we discussed about the woman we both love. From me learning how their friendships grew into love to learning how I've ignored her needs. From discussing the pain she must be in right now to what is best for her in the future.

In a short conversation, I grew and learnt so much about my wife, about love and life. But things varies of course. Are you ready for it? What questions are you going to ask, and how shall you carry yourself if she gets nasty? Again, Not in the position to advice.

Re support group, in my VERY own opinion,
it helps in lending support and listening ear. On the other hand, meeting people in similar situation MIGHT leads you to finding quick solution externally? Reading your story, I think there's really chance for you to salvage this marriage. Wouldn't it be better to lock both of you in a room? ha..

Always believe in reconciling and salvaging broken marriages. If he shows signs of repent, why not give him another chance? Ever consider seeking a marriage councillor? How'bout his close friend, can they mediate?

Take care. Will pray for ya.

 

[apple0401]

Hi Dingo, thanks for sharing. It helps..

I believe in reconciling and salvage my marriage and has been doing my best to do it. That's why to date, I have not left him. He showed signs of remorse but he is equally clueless about what to do with the girl. He does not want to hurt her. On my side, I even offered to help to manage her out slowly to minimise her hurt. For ourselves, I have suggested to go for professional marriage counselling help. At least, we would have done our best for trying if the end result (divorce) is the same if things do not work out with professional help. He is in a dilemna.

Over the last few days, I have discovered that the girl has been pestering and stressing him to leave us and divorce. He is very stressed by her. Whereas, I do not stress him at all about getting him to leave her. Rather, I am here patiently waiting for him to come home, waiting for him to turn back. But to date, he did not again mention about divorce to me though he told the girl he will. I know he still loves me and most importantly, our adorable son. He just cannot bear to give us up.

Kind of agree with you. It all depends on the character of my husband. He is very much a MCP and wants his face more than anything else. I am really not sure how he will react if his parents know about this. One thing I am quite sure, he will hate me to the core for doing it.

For now, I am still thinking hard about it exposing the affair.. I know some of you would think that I am a fool for still thinking and thinking.. but believe me, it is really hard to decide. Or, easier to say, I am waiting for him to say he wants to abandon us. Rather than I myself say it. I never imagine myself, able to withstand all this agony of sharing him at all. But, somehow, I did it and surviving still.

Hope to meet up with friends of this support group.

 

[apple0401]

Hi Dingo, thanks for sharing. It helps..

I believe in reconciling and salvage my marriage and has been doing my best to do it. That's why to date, I have not left him. He showed signs of remorse but he is equally clueless about what to do with the girl. He does not want to hurt her. On my side, I even offered to help to manage her out slowly to minimise her hurt. For ourselves, I have suggested to go for professional marriage counselling help. At least, we would have done our best for trying if the end result (divorce) is the same if things do not work out with professional help. He is in a dilemna.

Over the last few days, I have discovered that the girl has been pestering and stressing him to leave us and divorce. He is very stressed by her. Whereas, I do not stress him at all about getting him to leave her. Rather, I am here patiently waiting for him to come home, waiting for him to turn back. But to date, he did not again mention about divorce to me though he told the girl he will. I know he still loves me and most importantly, our adorable son. He just cannot bear to give us up.

Kind of agree with you. It all depends on the character of my husband. He is very much a MCP and wants his face more than anything else. I am really not sure how he will react if his parents know about this. One thing I am quite sure, he will hate me to the core for doing it.

For now, I am still thinking hard about it exposing the affair.. I know some of you would think that I am a fool for still thinking and thinking.. but believe me, it is really hard to decide. Or, easier to say, I am waiting for him to say he wants to abandon us. Rather than I myself say it. I never imagine myself, able to withstand all this agony of sharing him at all. But, somehow, I did it and surviving still.

Hope to meet up with friends of this support group.

 

[stitches]

hi Dingo,

agree with the blood is thicker than water aspect.

Apple,
when you married him, you had no intention of sharing him. Why start now? Why settle for less? Are you really happier? If he has both cakes to eat, why would he want to abandon you? Please think clearly if you want this in the long term, and how it will affect the little one.

 

[stitches]

hi Dingo,

agree with the blood is thicker than water aspect.

Apple,
when you married him, you had no intention of sharing him. Why start now? Why settle for less? Are you really happier? If he has both cakes to eat, why would he want to abandon you? Please think clearly if you want this in the long term, and how it will affect the little one.

 

[patience]

Hi Everyone,

just would like to find out how long it takes between getting ni si and absolute? This long wait is wearing me down and I'm anxious for closure.

TIA

 

[patience]

Hi Everyone,

just would like to find out how long it takes between getting ni si and absolute? This long wait is wearing me down and I'm anxious for closure.

TIA

 

[anulled]

patience,

It will normally take 3 month. However, if you have good reasons , you can ask the court to give the absolute in shorter time frame.

Gin,

Like you i also ROM for less then 3 years and i apply for annulement. MY reason is the same as you but worst, he got me into big debt and ignored my problem.....not a man at all.

i had send you an email on the lawyer i use. Hope that it is helpful.

 

[anulled]

patience,

It will normally take 3 month. However, if you have good reasons , you can ask the court to give the absolute in shorter time frame.

Gin,

Like you i also ROM for less then 3 years and i apply for annulement. MY reason is the same as you but worst, he got me into big debt and ignored my problem.....not a man at all.

i had send you an email on the lawyer i use. Hope that it is helpful.

 

[apple0401]

Hi stitches,

No, I don't intend to share him for the long run. I don't think I will be able to take it and I also don't want to hurt my baby. I am tolerating it for the short term. This has got to end somewhere somehow.

He will have to make a decision cos the girl has been stressing him. The girl also cannot stand sharing him. What a joke! This is the same girl that he claimed that she is ok with being the other woman and fully knows his status as a married man with a son. Apparently, not! And she is quite a "jealousy" girl! In my heart, I am thinking. What right has she to be jealous? That's part and parcel of being a third party to accept the 2nd rate treatments and things! What a shameless woman!

I kept asking myself these questions. Which should be my fundamental and guiding principle?
1. I want to stand by my marriage which I have signed and committed into, for whatever it takes.
2. I want a complete family for my son.
3. I love him.
4. I want a man who loves me wholeheartedly and devote undivided love and attention to me.

If I can decide what the underlying principle that I want to uphold, I can always fall back on it whenever I stumble onto difficult issues.

Urgh...... !

 

[apple0401]

Hi stitches,

No, I don't intend to share him for the long run. I don't think I will be able to take it and I also don't want to hurt my baby. I am tolerating it for the short term. This has got to end somewhere somehow.

He will have to make a decision cos the girl has been stressing him. The girl also cannot stand sharing him. What a joke! This is the same girl that he claimed that she is ok with being the other woman and fully knows his status as a married man with a son. Apparently, not! And she is quite a "jealousy" girl! In my heart, I am thinking. What right has she to be jealous? That's part and parcel of being a third party to accept the 2nd rate treatments and things! What a shameless woman!

I kept asking myself these questions. Which should be my fundamental and guiding principle?
1. I want to stand by my marriage which I have signed and committed into, for whatever it takes.
2. I want a complete family for my son.
3. I love him.
4. I want a man who loves me wholeheartedly and devote undivided love and attention to me.

If I can decide what the underlying principle that I want to uphold, I can always fall back on it whenever I stumble onto difficult issues.

Urgh...... !

 

[stitches]

hi Apple,

yes, we aim to stand by our vows... whatever it takes. However, when 'whatever it takes' takes a toll on us and the marriage and children of the marriage, what happens? Also, though God hates it, divorce is allowed in your circumstance. I'm not saying you should go for it. Rather, suggest you try to work things out between you and your husband to rebuild what you had before this OW came into the picture. We all have our faults and this time of working out is a real eye-opener about the different needs of the husband and wife, of different priorites and of different expectations.
i hope he will make a decision soon.
God bless!

 

[stitches]

hi Apple,

yes, we aim to stand by our vows... whatever it takes. However, when 'whatever it takes' takes a toll on us and the marriage and children of the marriage, what happens? Also, though God hates it, divorce is allowed in your circumstance. I'm not saying you should go for it. Rather, suggest you try to work things out between you and your husband to rebuild what you had before this OW came into the picture. We all have our faults and this time of working out is a real eye-opener about the different needs of the husband and wife, of different priorites and of different expectations.
i hope he will make a decision soon.
God bless!

 

[confused over hdb policy]

Hi everyone,

I need some advice on the surrender of HDB flats.

My husband & I had ‘some-what’ decided on a divorce/annul. Hence, we need to know the process/amount involved for returning the flat to HDB. I had written to HDB, but yet to receive any reply from them. I’m really very anxious to know the details, hence would appreciate your input on this:

We bought a re-sale flat at $360K last year. The market value now is about $340K. We also took the $30K & $10K grant (totally of $40K grant).

We can’t sell the house in the open market as we need to occupy the flat for another 4 years & if we really proceed with the divorce/annul, I do not wish to be tied down for another 4 years.

Let’s assume that HDB buys back the flat at 80% of market value, i.e. $272K.

How much cash would we have to top up? I read from other threads that we have to pay the $40K grant in cash – is that true? Can we use CPF monies instead?

How about the monthly HDB loan that we pay through CPF? Will the monies be returned back to the CPF account? Can these monies be used to ‘off-set’ the grant, or any top-up that we need to pay?

Thanks in advance for your comments!

 

[confused over hdb policy]

Hi everyone,

I need some advice on the surrender of HDB flats.

My husband & I had ‘some-what’ decided on a divorce/annul. Hence, we need to know the process/amount involved for returning the flat to HDB. I had written to HDB, but yet to receive any reply from them. I’m really very anxious to know the details, hence would appreciate your input on this:

We bought a re-sale flat at $360K last year. The market value now is about $340K. We also took the $30K & $10K grant (totally of $40K grant).

We can’t sell the house in the open market as we need to occupy the flat for another 4 years & if we really proceed with the divorce/annul, I do not wish to be tied down for another 4 years.

Let’s assume that HDB buys back the flat at 80% of market value, i.e. $272K.

How much cash would we have to top up? I read from other threads that we have to pay the $40K grant in cash – is that true? Can we use CPF monies instead?

How about the monthly HDB loan that we pay through CPF? Will the monies be returned back to the CPF account? Can these monies be used to ‘off-set’ the grant, or any top-up that we need to pay?

Thanks in advance for your comments!

 

[unwantedman33]

apple,

If you don't mind, email me at [email protected]

I have something to share that is not very appropriate for me to post here.

 

[unwantedman33]

apple,

If you don't mind, email me at [email protected]

I have something to share that is not very appropriate for me to post here.

 

[kaya_butter]

Finally and painfully that my parents had approached his family on Monday evening for a dinner talk.

My dad reserved a table of 6, but next to my seat is empty! Only 5 turned up! And of course, empty seat from my husband! No one knows where he had gone! Deep in my mind, he must be with that bitch! My in-law told me that they will have a good talk with him and promised that he will be back with me.

Just now, a call from him saying that this marriage can't be salvaged!!! The only way to save this marriage is to let him go and be happy. His love for me is longer there for me anymore! What the hell is he talking about? The man that I loved throughout my half life has just gone with just a few words???

So many men coming after me before and after my marriage, but I chosen him to be my life partner, but just because of another mainland woman, my half life has taken off by him? What the hell is happening to this world?

My parents told me to forget about him. Haha, what a joke! I can forget a boyfriend, but not my husband! We went through so much TIME together for our wedding, honeymoon, setting up our house etc This is what I got from my man?

Sorry, all the man, if you could, please enlighten me? Please.

1) Why you married man can just let go for another woman? Have you all ever thought of a woman feelings deep inside us? We are not your toy n machine!

2)Do you all really think that because some woman cannot satisfied your needs, you can aim for another hole? Married woman is not a game of golf!

3)Why are some married man just love throwing cash from their pocket to look for more fun outside and lock their wife home? We are not prisoners and pets!


No answer? No one will ever know, even GOD?

Sink the world!!! Turn me into a bird!!!

 

[kaya_butter]

Finally and painfully that my parents had approached his family on Monday evening for a dinner talk.

My dad reserved a table of 6, but next to my seat is empty! Only 5 turned up! And of course, empty seat from my husband! No one knows where he had gone! Deep in my mind, he must be with that bitch! My in-law told me that they will have a good talk with him and promised that he will be back with me.

Just now, a call from him saying that this marriage can't be salvaged!!! The only way to save this marriage is to let him go and be happy. His love for me is longer there for me anymore! What the hell is he talking about? The man that I loved throughout my half life has just gone with just a few words???

So many men coming after me before and after my marriage, but I chosen him to be my life partner, but just because of another mainland woman, my half life has taken off by him? What the hell is happening to this world?

My parents told me to forget about him. Haha, what a joke! I can forget a boyfriend, but not my husband! We went through so much TIME together for our wedding, honeymoon, setting up our house etc This is what I got from my man?

Sorry, all the man, if you could, please enlighten me? Please.

1) Why you married man can just let go for another woman? Have you all ever thought of a woman feelings deep inside us? We are not your toy n machine!

2)Do you all really think that because some woman cannot satisfied your needs, you can aim for another hole? Married woman is not a game of golf!

3)Why are some married man just love throwing cash from their pocket to look for more fun outside and lock their wife home? We are not prisoners and pets!


No answer? No one will ever know, even GOD?

Sink the world!!! Turn me into a bird!!!

 

[justice_prevails]

Dear kaya_butter,

be glad if you have the ability to support yourself and dun have any kids. if you can leave such a man you should show that you are capable of doing so, and that you dun really need him.

Perhaps you havent talked to him enuf to realise what he wants. does he still love you? is there anything he is not happy about the marriage? Do you talk often enough and show love for each other? perhaps he has some form of pent up frustration? I dun think a responsible man will just leave without a valid explanation. And if he can just leave like that, is it worth it to waste your efforts on him?

Having read so many threads, I realised that most of the time men cheat on women. Such action is not to be forgiven, unless they do not do it ever again. HBs must realise that women can cheat on them as well, and with most sg men probably in the MCP category, if this message gets across to them they may realise how much they have hurt u. it only hurts them when they lose you and realise how much u actually mean to them, or when they lose face after being exposed, or if you cheat. do not be softhearted and forgive them easily, because they will do it time and again if they can afford to do so.

at first i thot marriage was a lifetime commitment and love to one and only, but after reading these threads i cant help but think of it as only a temporary contract. Luckily i am single now and concentrating on my career.

 

[justice_prevails]

Dear kaya_butter,

be glad if you have the ability to support yourself and dun have any kids. if you can leave such a man you should show that you are capable of doing so, and that you dun really need him.

Perhaps you havent talked to him enuf to realise what he wants. does he still love you? is there anything he is not happy about the marriage? Do you talk often enough and show love for each other? perhaps he has some form of pent up frustration? I dun think a responsible man will just leave without a valid explanation. And if he can just leave like that, is it worth it to waste your efforts on him?

Having read so many threads, I realised that most of the time men cheat on women. Such action is not to be forgiven, unless they do not do it ever again. HBs must realise that women can cheat on them as well, and with most sg men probably in the MCP category, if this message gets across to them they may realise how much they have hurt u. it only hurts them when they lose you and realise how much u actually mean to them, or when they lose face after being exposed, or if you cheat. do not be softhearted and forgive them easily, because they will do it time and again if they can afford to do so.

at first i thot marriage was a lifetime commitment and love to one and only, but after reading these threads i cant help but think of it as only a temporary contract. Luckily i am single now and concentrating on my career.

 

[la_la]

hi kaya butter,

hug hug... i can fully understand ur feelings becos i have been thr that also. The agony of waiting, and the tot of ur man with the other woman is real hurting.

From my own experience, maybe i can offer u my views. Men when they are indecisive or want to escape, they tend to hide in their own caves. The more u chase, the further they hide.

There is something that i have read in books and from my counselling regarding affair:
affairs are really addictive. Its like smoking, smokers know the harm but they hack care. Until one day the smokers(ur hb) can feel the harm that they done to their lungs (ie: us) then they will realise.

It is never possible to forget the man that we love. I can only say we can slowly let go and let time heal the wounds. The time for recovery is not easy but most importantly, stay strong.

I find the quotes very meaningful:

"When the truth hurts, it is tempting to ignore it or to deny it. Yet when the truth hurts is precisely the time when it's most important to pay attention to what that truth says.
A real friend is someone who has the courage to speak truthfully to you, even though that truth may be painful to hear. For by knowing and acknowledging the reality of a situation, you can begin to successfully deal with it.
When the truth hurts, it can indeed be painful. Yet if you will listen carefully, you'll gain the wisdom to avoid even more pain and to move positively forward.
When you encounter a truth that is painful to hear, that pain is doing you a favor. It is providing you with an opportunity to make a change for the better.
Take that opportunity and run with it. Be thankful that a difficult and valuable truth has succeeded in getting your attention.
In the difficult truths you will find much power. Though the truth may hurt for a moment, in the long run it can also set you free."

 

[la_la]

hi kaya butter,

hug hug... i can fully understand ur feelings becos i have been thr that also. The agony of waiting, and the tot of ur man with the other woman is real hurting.

From my own experience, maybe i can offer u my views. Men when they are indecisive or want to escape, they tend to hide in their own caves. The more u chase, the further they hide.

There is something that i have read in books and from my counselling regarding affair:
affairs are really addictive. Its like smoking, smokers know the harm but they hack care. Until one day the smokers(ur hb) can feel the harm that they done to their lungs (ie: us) then they will realise.

It is never possible to forget the man that we love. I can only say we can slowly let go and let time heal the wounds. The time for recovery is not easy but most importantly, stay strong.

I find the quotes very meaningful:

"When the truth hurts, it is tempting to ignore it or to deny it. Yet when the truth hurts is precisely the time when it's most important to pay attention to what that truth says.
A real friend is someone who has the courage to speak truthfully to you, even though that truth may be painful to hear. For by knowing and acknowledging the reality of a situation, you can begin to successfully deal with it.
When the truth hurts, it can indeed be painful. Yet if you will listen carefully, you'll gain the wisdom to avoid even more pain and to move positively forward.
When you encounter a truth that is painful to hear, that pain is doing you a favor. It is providing you with an opportunity to make a change for the better.
Take that opportunity and run with it. Be thankful that a difficult and valuable truth has succeeded in getting your attention.
In the difficult truths you will find much power. Though the truth may hurt for a moment, in the long run it can also set you free."

 

[apple0401]

Unwantedman,

I have sent you an email..

 

[apple0401]

Unwantedman,

I have sent you an email..

 

[hopeful]

Kaya and lalala,
What is so good about those mainland women? I have no idea too. Can someone pls enlighten me?

Been on a roller coaster for the past few days. Tears just rolled down many times. Dunno why too.....

The only consolation I have is my daughter. Dunno how to tell her that her father has left the family for a china woman when she is older.. Will only tell her if I wanna revenge. But I think I will never tell her..cos love her too much to tell her the truth.....

My heart is already dead. DUn want my precious to be hurt..............................................................................................

Stone the adulterous couple!

 

[hopeful]

Kaya and lalala,
What is so good about those mainland women? I have no idea too. Can someone pls enlighten me?

Been on a roller coaster for the past few days. Tears just rolled down many times. Dunno why too.....

The only consolation I have is my daughter. Dunno how to tell her that her father has left the family for a china woman when she is older.. Will only tell her if I wanna revenge. But I think I will never tell her..cos love her too much to tell her the truth.....

My heart is already dead. DUn want my precious to be hurt..............................................................................................

Stone the adulterous couple!

 

[la_la]

Sally...

emotional roller coaster is the worst ride ever!!!! even more scary than the real roller coaster ride.

i noe it is difficult not to hate... but always rememeber this: forgive to make urself happier. it takes time.

For me, i find it useful to seek help from counsellors and joining the support grp. Maybe u can consider this option?

 

[la_la]

Sally...

emotional roller coaster is the worst ride ever!!!! even more scary than the real roller coaster ride.

i noe it is difficult not to hate... but always rememeber this: forgive to make urself happier. it takes time.

For me, i find it useful to seek help from counsellors and joining the support grp. Maybe u can consider this option?

 

[strawberry78]

hi all
hang in there!

my separated HB and the infamous MIL, his brother (he's not too bad) are in town and apparently my BB is taking to them well.

actually i am surprised but i hardly even feel much anger, in fact, most of my anger earlier on has faded into nonchalent. i don't give a damn to be blatantly honest. as long i retain my custody rights to my kid after the divorce.

sorry, i think this statement i am going to make is somewhat disrespectful to marriage BUT...

I am going to open champagne when I finally get my decree nisi and custodian rights legally!!!

i am disappointed with those **beep-beeps** but am more worried about my immediate issue -

apparently my mom has been giving me alot of trouble over my kid attending childcare. first, she complains my kid overtires her. so i find a good childcare but there is no place, so i queued in the waiting list. because i have a place now, she refuses to give her blessings for me to put my kid there...i really give up.

she says its cruel to put a kid in a childcare, my BB is turning two next month...

but goodness, how does the rest of singapore kids cope? anyone can share their kids childcare experience.

sorry to diverge onto childcare topics -

i hope any parents can advise me on this...

for the marriage woes stuff, hang in there! someone told me, "if its over, its over" sounds harsh but it woke me up (and that was during the lowest point - when i first separated...) i was so emotional. now am mostly challenging myself on a day to day basis. am happy, mostly

one day, you'll wake up and wondered why did you ever cry so much? stay cool and calm - mostly, think long term. if it can be worked out, go ahead. if it can't, stop, think and take action.

mostly, try to be happy (to myself too) most of the time, we spend most of our lives getting unhappy and at the end of it, we realize we had not smiled much, not laughed much, had not spent much happy times with our loved ones, had not taken in things which are free and beyond "money can buy" - like sunrise, fresh flowers,

then we realized so much time and moments have passed when we are dwelt in our misery -

but being sad if part of the healing process but there's always the silver lining to reach for

cheers!

 

[strawberry78]

hi all
hang in there!

my separated HB and the infamous MIL, his brother (he's not too bad) are in town and apparently my BB is taking to them well.

actually i am surprised but i hardly even feel much anger, in fact, most of my anger earlier on has faded into nonchalent. i don't give a damn to be blatantly honest. as long i retain my custody rights to my kid after the divorce.

sorry, i think this statement i am going to make is somewhat disrespectful to marriage BUT...

I am going to open champagne when I finally get my decree nisi and custodian rights legally!!!

i am disappointed with those **beep-beeps** but am more worried about my immediate issue -

apparently my mom has been giving me alot of trouble over my kid attending childcare. first, she complains my kid overtires her. so i find a good childcare but there is no place, so i queued in the waiting list. because i have a place now, she refuses to give her blessings for me to put my kid there...i really give up.

she says its cruel to put a kid in a childcare, my BB is turning two next month...

but goodness, how does the rest of singapore kids cope? anyone can share their kids childcare experience.

sorry to diverge onto childcare topics -

i hope any parents can advise me on this...

for the marriage woes stuff, hang in there! someone told me, "if its over, its over" sounds harsh but it woke me up (and that was during the lowest point - when i first separated...) i was so emotional. now am mostly challenging myself on a day to day basis. am happy, mostly

one day, you'll wake up and wondered why did you ever cry so much? stay cool and calm - mostly, think long term. if it can be worked out, go ahead. if it can't, stop, think and take action.

mostly, try to be happy (to myself too) most of the time, we spend most of our lives getting unhappy and at the end of it, we realize we had not smiled much, not laughed much, had not spent much happy times with our loved ones, had not taken in things which are free and beyond "money can buy" - like sunrise, fresh flowers,

then we realized so much time and moments have passed when we are dwelt in our misery -

but being sad if part of the healing process but there's always the silver lining to reach for

cheers!

 

[kaya_butter]

MEN,

Speak up?

 

[kaya_butter]

MEN,

Speak up?

 

[hakida]

I am really puzzled by some man,why do they want to commit infidelity?Is it because they are tired of the wife after the marriage? Or rather the problems lies with the wife herself?Did she not fullfill her duties as a good wife and mother?Which lead the man has the excuse and opportunity to go astray outside...

 

[hakida]

I am really puzzled by some man,why do they want to commit infidelity?Is it because they are tired of the wife after the marriage? Or rather the problems lies with the wife herself?Did she not fullfill her duties as a good wife and mother?Which lead the man has the excuse and opportunity to go astray outside...

 

[stitches]

hey Strawberry,

i understand the champagne part...

going to childcare at 2 is quite ok, you may start with half day vs whole day if your mum is not comfortable. Good - kid gets to socialise (something that is not possible at home), learn things from other adults etc. Bad - pick up flu, cough etc

mine started at 18mths, cried a lot till he threw up, but eventually looked forward to going each morning. Can be a bit heart-breaking at the start to see kid crying so hard, but then when the kid stops crying.... it's kinda bittersweet...