Support group - Divorce

N

needhelpasap

Guest
ok, I've called up a lawyer that evie recommended and as what some of you advised, to be frank with the lawyer. Yes you guys are right, it's easier for guy to file and cannot be too honest with the lawyer, it'll get you nowhere
happy.gif
.... I've asked him to file against me....Wish me good luck!!!
happy.gif
 


L

lee jing yin margot

Guest
Hi all

Need your advice.

My sister just went thro annulment after 1 year of ROM in 2003. My whole family was greatly affected, very depressed. My mum(being tradtion and very conservative) is concerned whether her future husband will find out about her annulment if she happen to met someone again.

Can someone advice? Though i know couple should be truthful to each other. But if my sis dun tell her future husband, will he ever find out? ie (situation like during ROM, the JOP will say " this is your second marriage..." ) that kind of thing?

Thanks ver much
Luv
 

boopbopp

New Member
Hi all,

I need some help!

Me and my wife been married for one year plus. We did not plan properly for the financial thus we now face the burden of the debt problems. Last year was a terrible year as we had lots of ups and downs in both our career path. But since then, I've managed to secure a good job and I am helping her to clear off her debts as well. She had join the hotel industrial and the work there was quite hectic for her.

Guess all these while, she is stress about the workload and debts problem. I really regret that I did not spare more time to listern to her and support her during this period. She had been coming home lately until one of these days, I was waiting for her and saw a guy send her back in a cab. She gave him a kiss before parting and my whole world crumble down. We've a big quarrel that night and she told me that she wants to give up this marriage cause she does not see the future and she feel insecure as well. She also mentioned that be it with or without the third party, there's already problems in our marriage.

For the last few days, she did not come back home and sleep even though we've been cold war since CNY. Since then we've slept seperately and she been very cold towards me.

I really very sad and heartache now. I scare that she had decided to close the door for me. What should i do?
 
BoopBopp
Don't give up! Can feel you still want to save this marriage.
The third party can only intrude because there is a void(emptiness) in your marriage.. unresolved conflicts.
Hence you need to act fast...

Like to share what I've read in the book BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend:
Dealing with conflicts:
Whenever two are gathered, there will be conflict.(Your FIGHT response is due to built up anger)
Both of you need to work through this.
Cold war never gets problem solved - that's called FLIGHT response.
But you need to 'fight' fairly...a good fight gets 'needs met' and 'anger resolved'.
1 Observation -You can't fix a problem you do not see.(You obviously know the problem)
2 Confrontation -You cannot fix a problem that you don't talk about. Speak honestly with each other. But speak the truth in LOVE as you let your spouse know what is wrong (and that she matters to you and that you still cherish her).
3 Ownership, Grief, and Apology
If you are the problem -or at least part of it-own it.
If you have been hurt, own your hurt and communicate it.
If you had caused it, apologize.
If you are the wounded party, forgive as well as express your hurt.
4 Commit to change yourself -from past mistakes, change direction.
5 Involvement in the process -
Problems do not go away immediately. Commit to the process of change and stay involved.

Also today I learnt that:
Conflict is not bad unless it becomes destructive.
1 Confess our feelings - Don't supress(hide)your hurt/anger, don't repress(refuse to acknowledge it)and don't express (explode like land mines!)
2 Control your words (avoid shouting, slander(unkind words), accusation, character assasination, personal attack, injurious action or malice to self (self injury)
3 COMMUNICATE REGULARLY
Be kind in your words...
Work through conflicts. This is NECESSARY for growth.

True Love Never Fails.
Don't give up.

Marriage is like tending a plant -requires more gentle efforts especially when it is young.
 

redstar202

New Member
Hi Boopbopp,

Anyway i think 'preciousthots' has posted something really useful. Re-establishing communications with your wife should be among your top priority right now. Be warned that it may not be easy though. But you can only start resolving the problems if you are able to talk about it.

Take care. It will be a tough road ahead.
 

evielow

New Member
Hello boopbopp,

preciousthots has given sound advice. Conflict may not be totally bad, as long as you know how to turn the conflict to your relationship's advantage.

It's very important now for both of you not to get into a "Who's at fault" mode. Despite you thinking that she's at fault for having an affair, the most important thing now is to acknowledge the problems, resolve the matter and start healing the rift. Other than concentrating on saving your marriage, please also talk to someone about how you feel too for your own sanity's sake. And remember it's not the end. Sometimes, it takes imperfections to make a marriage perfect.

Things to do:
1. Make a list of the things you want to say i.e. problems, the present situation, faults, and how you think you can make things better. Making a list helps to rationalise things and express yourself better, rather than blurting out your hurts, along with accusations.

2. Find a good day when both of you are feeling relaxed and amiable to have that long-awaited talk. Please don't insist on talking when one is tired, unhappy or busy, cos that will only lead to more conflict.

3. Communicate in a more positive tone. Start your conversation with how you feel. Say e.g. "I feel very hurt by what happened." instead of "You caused me hurt". Say e.g. "Is there anything I can do to save our marriage?" instead of "Why are you doing this?". Confront the issues in a more positive light.

4. If communication is breaking down between the two of you, give it some time. She may be facing too much guilt to handle the situation properly. Counselling may be a good idea too.
 

boopbopp

New Member
Hi all,

Is been a week since she left. I still miss her a lot. I bought her a card and wrote all my thoughts and sms her as well. But seems like she is still very cold towards me. I asked if she is still thinking through and she told me that she still needs time to think about it. I really miss her very badly.
 

evielow

New Member
Hello boopbopp,

Hang in there and stay strong. Give her some time to sort out her thoughts. Also do your own re-evaluation of the marriage. When the 2 of u are feeling calm enough, meet up and talk things out. Hope everything will go well for you. God bless...
 

redstar202

New Member
Hi boopbopp,
At this moment, the more you do, the more resentful she will grow towards you. You will have to take one step back and allow her the space she wants.
 

montella

New Member
Boop Bro,
Your case almost similiar as mine. Dont kill off any hopes of winning your wife back yet. Most importantly, be on her side. Let her know that whatever decision she's made or will be making, let her know you'll be supporting it. Yes, her decision may be detrimental to you, but hey, let her be the one to think twice & evaluate her feelings for you.
She'll be expecting you to keep wanting her back, and the last thing you should do is for her to see u in such a sorry state.
She's in a defensive mode right now. Whatever you want to do for the betterment for the both of u may be rejected by her. So, take a step out of the circle, maybe you'll see things with more clarity.
Importantly, express to her that you'll be always 1 step behind her.
Brother, I feel for you & I wish u the best. Im not asking you to prepare for the worst yet, but do your utmost best in salvaging your marriage.
Someone told me if a woman's feelings has changed, it's gone forever. Im hoping you can prove this statement wrong.
Take Care
 

boopbopp

New Member
Hi Montella,

Thanks for the advise! I've been the most dark period of my life. Passing each day without her by my side is painful. I've stepped back since she starts to become cold towards me. Like what you said, I can't do much but i still wrote her a card telling her what are my feelings and thoughts at the moment. I really do hope she just do it folly and she will return back to me one of these days.
 
N

no longer sick&tired

Guest
Hi boobopp

Your story kinda same as mine when I faced this problem last year! I know how you felt at this moment.

I can share with you how to cope and get over it. Do drop me your email or contact and I will be in touch with you soon. Or you may drop me an email at [email protected]

Anyway, we have the support group which we do meet up and chat and advise each other and get life moving on.

Hey, everybody! It's me... no longer sick&tired.

HOPE EVERYONE MOVING ON WITH LIFE HAPPILY!!!

Brother Dingo, where have you been over at this website? And the rest?? Me also MIA for quite sometime over here liao ;-) XLK???
 
H

hunger for $$

Guest
could anyone recommend a lawyer that settle EC sales and purchases at a low charging rate.

Apparently, we are in the stage of settling housing issue after obtaining annulment. The developer is not taking it back cos the deed title is out. So HDB allow us to sell in open mkt.... hai.... still need to pay extra for lawyer fee and the 2% brokage fee for agent... =((

Thks
 
T

twila

Guest
Boopbopp,

Your story sounds like mine, but in my case, I'm the wife who walked away. Sometime ago, I let the financial burdens and insecurity of the marriage get to me and I walked out of the marriage. I was tired of having a husband who couldnt support me and I had to pay for his debts and when my work problems added to that, our marriage suffered. But what actually made me move on was meeting someone else, who seemingly could provide financial security and so on. I'm not saying your wife is doing that because she met someone, but it largely has to do with that. It's both factors at play. You had a void in your marriage, and the catalyst came in and she took a long hard look and decided she is better of w this other man.

But all is not lost, my husband did sort of manage to win my heart back by showing how he loved me, giving me space to "think" and proving to me that he can provide for me and we can have a financially stable life. So it takes a lot of patience and love on your part to win her back. There will be times when she goes "what the hell am I doing?" and misses you. If you're there w open arms, she will come back.

Good luck! hope things work out for you.
 

sevencoins

New Member
SOrry I didn't have time to scroll up and read all the archives.

But maybe you guys can make an appointment with a marriage counseller (See contacts under the Marriage Couselling thread) and let him/her help u 2 to communicate.

I personally has seen it work for many couples who without it would have turned their backs on their marriage vows. Divorce is never a happy event. Yes time heals but the scratch will be threre.
 

strawberry78

New Member
I was posting so frequently during the darker days of getting separated and all...

Now - I think the separation was like GETTING OUT OF A PRISON I NEVER KNEW I WAS IN !!!

Long story short, except for the occasional regret that I was blind to fall for ex-HB, or angry that because of him, I have to come to terms with being a single mom (don't mistake me, I love BB) - I am mostly very contended without him anymore.

No more in-laws stress, panic attacks from his emotional abuse, no more tears from fighting - its like being dandruff free!!! corny it may sound but he's really the devil in my life.

but like i rationalize, there will be no angel (BB) without the devil (ex HB).

So there - I wish him all the best and happiness in his chosen path in life and I don't want to look back either. Guess we were both young then and mistook what we had as love but it is not. Perhaps it was but it was not a mature love that could make it through marriage and parenthood. Maybe the next girl who marry him will be lucky but all i know was that i was damn suay to be the one before her...

though am lucky to have BB - and a whole new life now!

cheers and happy easter everyone.
 
A

arrgh

Guest
I need some advice...

We were given 1 year to sell the flat in the open market but there's no offer for it and it seems difficult. Can we surrender back to HDB?

I called them up several months ago but they are not willing to take back as they have too many empty flats not sold =( They are willing to extend the time frame for us but we do not wish to hold on further.

This is driving us crazy and I'm afraid of breaking down too...
 

hello88

New Member
Hi arrgh,

don't think HDB would take it back. I recently asked HDB as I'm in the midst of selling my current flat to get another resale. HDB said they would extend the period and we have to show prove that we did market our unit eg. advertisement, sign agreement with agent, etc

Maybe you'll like to go down and check with HDB better
 
C

crystalberri

Guest
Arrgh.... oh gosh, i still don't know they won't take it back! May I ask how come you are given 1 year to sell the flat? HDB told you??
 
A

arrgh

Guest
Hi Crystalberri,

It was indicated in the court orde. We were given 6 months but lawyer extended it to 1 year for us.

I just called HDB and they "die die" will not take back as they do not want to "keep stock"... and the officer told me there isn't any actual time frame given so it means can extend as long as we want. They just do not understand that we just want to get rid of it and continue our lives!
 
C

crystalberri

Guest
Hi Arrgh

I'm also in the same situation as you, want to get rid of it as soon as possible. But there's no deadline date in our court order for us to sell the flat. The more I wait, the more
angry.gif
i am. I'm going to find another agent next month.
 
H

hunger for $$

Guest
Hi all

Any idea whether EC really need to be sell thro private lawyer instead of thro CPF/HDB board? Any recommendation of low rate lawyer? really troublesome to go thro all these... but we are part of the creator too.... can't blame on one party.
 
Q

question mark

Guest
hi Arrgh

does it mean dat if u are unable to sell the flat, you won't be able to file for divorce / get your Decree Nisi Absolute??
 

sweet_apple

New Member
Dear all,

I was married only last Dec, and very unhappy with my marraige since.

My hubby is a very lazy person, he doesn't help me with any of the house chores, he don't even wash a spoon or a cup. He always compare me with his mum, and claimed that his mum can manage work and house chores very well. I tried to cook for him, but gave up since I can never cook as well as his mum. He always tell me that I have to respect him, therefore I'm not allowed to argue with him. I used to quarrel with him, but decided not to now, cos he will go crazy and shout at me, be it at home or outside. It's even worst, if he is driving. He would drive dangerously as though he want to crash the car together with me. There was even once where he got so angry that he stop the car in the middle of the road and walk off, leaving me inside the car. Everytime I have to give in, so that things won't turn ugly. After so many months, I learned to keep quiet, whether he is right or not, I remained silent as I'm too tired to go thru all the nonsense.

After all these months, it has affected me so bad that I'm having hormone unbalance, I keep having migrane and worst of all, I fall into depression very easily. I have lost interest in sex and everytime he wants to make love with me, I'll pretend to be sleeping or else I'll end up in pain.

Overall he is ok, just that he cannot control his temper. I don't know what I should do now. I'm newly wed and this shouldn't be happening to me. It's really scary.
 

tiredsoul

New Member
Hi apple ,

i am in almost the same shoe as you.
minus the household chores as i am staying with his family.

We often had quarrels over petty issues. can u imagine, he does not allow me to eat cos i gain weight easily. Once i start to take dinner,more than 3 spoonfuls of rice, he will give me a black face. If with friends, he will want to leave and go home.

Last night, i ran home. He came after me and pulled me out of the bed, dragging me. I screamed and my mum came to my defence. He did not hit me nor slap me, but i feel what i am going through is making me real sick.He is always very rough with me , eg dragging me ,pulling my hands and legs. I hate it when we quarrel at his place, his mum would knock on our door and its embrassing.So i ran home last night

He always scolds me for everything and anything.

but still i care for this relationship and i do love him.

I am so sick of this....
 

hopeful

New Member
Hi tiredsoul and apple,
I can understand how you people are feeling. Reading all your stories let me wonder why do these guys want to get married in the first place? Don't tell me they don't want a happy ending, don't tell me they don't know how to show respect to their wives?
My husband will also scold me for everything. In his eyes, I am the stupidest person on earth. Really wonder why we got married in the first place.
For those people who are still lost in this vast bitterness sea, take time to reflect on your marriage. Go into the deep recesses of your heart, search for the answers. It is not easy to accept the reality..never easy. It takes more than courage to come to terms with it. People have been telling me that once you find the "inner peace", you will find happiness and the answers to all your problems will surface.

I have come to terms to my broken marriage. Now, striving very hard to find inner peace and courage and mostly importantly, faith. Faith to believe that life is still beautiful. Faith to believe that you can always lead a meaningful life despite an unhappy marriage. Faith to believe that there will be a better tomorrow.

To quote from an article;
It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom ...endless."

If you realise that thousand flowers have yet to bloom in your marriage, don't be dismayed. Take time to reflect and think through it. If after a long and careful consideration, the marriage still cannot last, maybe it is time to let it go.
 
A

arrgh

Guest
Hi question mark,

When a couple file for divorce, house can only be sold after getting the court order / Decree Nisi Absolute?
 
A

arrgh

Guest
Hi crystalberri,

Gosh...no date indicated??? Anyway, whether it's indicated or not makes no difference...mine is worse as we are not allowed to sign exclusive with any agent (indicated in court order). No agent wants to take the "risk" u know...they are afraid that when there's an offer, owner agrees but co-owner disagree...so till now, no agent except his brother helping us to market.
 
Hi there - I would like some advice on my little situation. My husband and I do not live together (in separate countries) after our ROM & Customary since June 2003. We have agreed to file for divorce or separation (whichever that applies). If we were to file for DOS, does that mean this period so far can be taken into account as separation period too? Advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks!
 
H

hunger for $$

Guest
Hi PPG

Based on your description, it seems to me you can try filing for annul instead of divorce. show proof that he had been away (passport stamps) and stated that no consumate (if its true lar). And yes, i also agreed that this period can be taken into consideration if you choose for separation.

Hi Arrg

I'm not sure abt divorce, but for my case (annul), yes, the house can only be sold after getting the court order / Decree Nisi Absolute. But since getting a buyer is not so easy, think can start searching for one.

Hi all

Any recommendation of low-rate charging lawyer for housing transaction? Cos EC need to sell thro lawyer. thks
 
Hello hunger,

Would you be kind enough to recommend a lawyer for my case. Not sure whether I can separate or annul. Have to consult lawyer then know. Don't know who to go to. Want to settle it in the least time consuming way.
 
H

hunger for $$

Guest
currently, i am engaging a lady lawyer recommended thro these links too =)
i personally find her quite willing to hear you out and advise accordingly. For the first visit, you can choose to meet her alone first. Go thro with her your case and see what's her advise. For the first short consultation, no charges. For a simple case, her charging rate is aro $2.5K.

You may contact her at 65574127, serene.
 

strawberry78

New Member
apple, tiredsoul, sally
its funny - those men seem to have the same words and actions to a certain extent

have you ever thought that they might be genetically programmed that way??

ie. my separated husband was like that too and i thought its because in his culture...but later, realize his behavior is not uncommon and none of these men were taught such things, it just happened. maybe those tweety pie tone, gu-niang women know something we don't???

but even then, i rather be myself than a tweety pie gu-niang.

cheerios!
 

fitti

New Member
Hi TiredSoul,

I hope you are feeling much better now...did ur husband scold u often before u were married?

Pls do not allow him to insult or be rough to u again. How could he deprive you of eating? He thinks he's some handsome prince charming or somethg and expects u to match up to him?

My skinny bro-in-law also used to comment abt my sister's eating and weightgain but for God's sake, she gains weight becoz she just had HIS baby! My sis was very hurt at first but after coming to terms that his comments were totally unreasonable, she started paying him back with his own coin. She'd buy alot of food and try to stuff them down his skinny throat and kept repeating "Eat, u must eat, so skinny, I'm so fat can't eat so YOU MUST FINISH EVEYTHING!" After a few times, my bro-in-law realised how torturing it was to be forced to eat/not to eat and stop his nonsense...

But i'm very serious when i wrote that i hope u dun let him continue hurting you physically. Now maybe only drag and pull, next time he might kick the baby out of u! I mean it! My friend's ex-husband bashed her up day in and day out even when she was pregnant. When she was 7mths pregnant, he bashed her again and pushed her against the window pane and her baby was prematuredly born! After the birth of the daughter (he wanted a son!) he walked out of her and she suffered from severe depression. Normally depression shd improve after 2yrs but her depression is still haunting her after 12yrs. Tho' she is remarried to a very nice man but i can see that her strange behaviour is really wearing her present husband out...So, it's serious.

You have to work thgs out if u still want to keep the marriage. Try talking to him abt your feelings. some men take soft approach but there are some who really need to have their ears pulled in order to get the message across...

Pls take good care of yourself...maybe you shd consider taking up some gongfu for self protection and show him some colours if he does it again!

Cheers!
 

fitti

New Member
Hi...

mi copy and paste from the other thread (Divorce: my hubbywants to divorce...)coz my pc damn lauyah and will break dn any sec, that is why when i post messages usually in the morning when i eat snake b4 and after class...kekeke...can't help it coz i was born in the yr of snake...tink i abit mad after being mentally tortured for so loooonnnng!

Anyway, here's my story...

Wow...didn't know so many of u out there are on the same boat as me...The reason why i only just come across this forum is bcoz I've only just finally gave up waiting for the man who is never going to return. We dated 4yrs and married in dec'99. I am 27+ and my wonderful son is 2. I first started suspected something was wrong when my formally gentle and loving ex-hubby started treating me coldly since may'04. I was quite lost as he loved me alot last time and I was almost like his trophy wife. I still thought he was stressed at work and naively told him that I'd quickly find a job (i gave up my teaching job to do my masters, had a risky pregnancy and stayed hm 17mths for my sonny...)so that he could find a less stressful job. I returned to wkforce in aug'04 and he chose that time to mention divorce and leave the country etc. I thought he had depression fr wk and chose to help him thru'despite I having a broken heart to mend. In sep, I found him having secretive conversations and suspected something else, coz he deleted all his sms and made sure his hp was in his pocket at all times. One day, stumbled upon this sms and could roughly guessed it was from a woman. I chose not to believe as our 9yrs of relationship had always been based on trust.Anyway, he did somethg TERRIBLE to my sonny and my family had to ask him to move out temporarily in case i went mad. And he nvr returned...I tried very hard to move on and finally gave up when he came for a short visit on my son's 2nd birthday in feb'05, with his neck full of lovebites...I tell you hw cool i was, I still could order dinner delivery for them before leaving the hm to cry. I was in hibernation for a while before having a serious talk with him. He told me not to wait anymore becoz he has a "new life" yet when i mentioned divorce, he said we shouldn't since i have no intention to remarry right away! He's selfish. He moved on but don't allow me to. I finally saw my lawyer and now waiting for thgs to be settled. I don't even need to separate coz i have valid reason. Now n then he sms to ask abt our wellbeing but i replied randomly. He walked out on us yet said he wants me to be his best friend. Of coz I told him to go fly a kite (no lah, actually, I used my limited knowledge of vulgarities!). I'm keen to join the support gps but have a problem, I can't join if it's like wkday after wk as I have no one to babysit.I'd very much appreciate it if someone could keep me informed and updated....

Good luck to everyone and congratulations to those who have moved on...



--------------------------------------------------
 

hello88

New Member
Hi fitti,

Congrats on being so strong and moving on. Did u read Wan Bao last night? There was an article whereby this lady's (44yrs old) seeking her young husband (36yrs old) to return home (from China) to process the divorce papers. The young husband (a coward) moved to China to stay with new found lover (a 20yr old young PRC). The young husband told the brother to inform the wife that he not coming home and ask the wife and his son to forget about him.
 

fitti

New Member
Dear Celia...

Yap! I also bought the papers after reading the headlines and some of us really had fun commenting on this topic (check the other thread that i frequent...Divorce: my hubby wants to divorce...)

It's indeed sad but true that it's very hard to have eternal love...i'm sure those who posted their messages in this forum are the ones who meant evry word when we exchanged the marriage vow but alas! our partners may have forgotten abt them...

Nope! can't lose hope...must press on or else can go siao! That's why we need support for one another coz after gg thru it, we understand how painful it is...

thks anyway! u in the support gp? fun?
 

hello88

New Member
Hi fitti,

I'm glad u have not gone siao...its really not easy but u made it and I'm sure u'll definitely find eternal love in the near future.

Nope, I'm not in the support group. I just dropped in to see how I can help. I'm happily married but hubby and me gone thru several testing periods. I met my husband who's my 2nd bf after I found out that my 1st bf was a two-timer. I ended the relationship but there was a stage where I suffered alot...I thought I won't be able to move on then I met my hubby..well the rest is history.
 

fitti

New Member
Dear Celia,

Thks for ur postings of encouragement!

I'm very glad u have a happy marriage. Keep the faith and never forget how much the 2 of u went thru' to reap what u have today.

Tho' my marriage is a goner (not much of a choice since he walked out and has no intention to ever return...yet hesitant to divorce...Duh???) but i'm always happy to see couples in love and work hard at keep their marriage.

I believed it's nvr 100% one party's fault. But i also believe that what's (or who's) meant or not meant to be together.

I'm living each day for my son. I need strength to love him, not shortchange him just bcoz his mummy's heart got broken. No, in fact, i tell the nice thgs that his daddy did tho' i dun think he understands much. It's not very healthy but i have to convince myself that my loving had "died" the day he broke my heart (May'04). It's so much easier for me if i think that way coz in that case, i only remember the good memories. As for the man who is still hurting me by refusing to cooperate with the legal procedures but i pyscho myself that this is just a stranger who is just trying my patience (which i honestly dun have much!).

However, when my son is older (he is 2yrs 2mths), i'll sit him down and have a good talk to him. (it's strange that i can teach and console 430 expats kids a week yet i get nervous when i have to deal with my one and only son...)

Anyway, i really want to settle this matter and move on with life. There are lots of purposes in life (esp my son's life) so i can't afford to waste my days away. It has already been exactly 1 year and i don't intend to waste another day procrastinating or wail like a baby (still trying...) I just hope that man is willing to let me go since he's not coming back. I forgave him and had also given him time to consider everything but he told me he thought abt it and he's not coming back coz he can never forgive himself for hurting me...Quite a nice way to make himself look better so i dun hate him??? However, we were soulmates for many yrs (we dated from Nov'95) i know him quite well. He's quite possessive even if he lost interest...for e.g, he has this "garang-guni" habit of keeping stuff (even sweet wrappers!) and whenever i did spring cleaning and asked him to throw them out, he would exclaimed that "What for? It's mine!" When i asked him why he was keeping them when he didn't want them anymore, he just replied "Coz IT IS MINE..." And when we packed bags of old stuff, i made sure they are stuff that others still can use, if it's a pair of shoes with broken heels then i glued it back 1st, if it's somethg really stained and tattered then i throw into the rubbish chute BUT...that man would destroy his old stuff...From what i saw and still see it, he will never let someone else have his old stuff even if he dun want it anymore instead of being sentimental! Probably that was why he exclaimed that if i have no intention to remarry right away and i have a young toddler to take care of, then we shouldn't divorce tho he made it very clear that he's never coming back to us!!!!!!!! S>E>L>F>I>S>H!!!!!

What i can say is it's so damn tiring to hate someone...so i choose to forget him instead. (i have pretty short memory anyway!)

Cheers!
 

hello88

New Member
Hi fitti,

Cheers. Glad u're doing fine and moving on not only for yr son but for yourself. Give yrself a pad on the back...go pamper yourself, buy yourself a small little gift eg. a little card, a book mark, a pen, etc each time u feel you're getting better.

Btw, it'll also be good if u can join some self-help groups to help others move on eg. a church group, a community group, etc. I think there are others who can learn alot from your courage and strength. And do not forget that u have me and all those here who care to listen. U maybe email directly to me [email protected]

Life is short, be happy and I'm sure your son will be proud of mummy when he is older.

happy.gif
smile...its simple yet effective to start and go through the day!
 

strawberry78

New Member
Hi Fitti
Can see that you are feeling much better
happy.gif

I am going nuts having to remind Mr X on his child support at the end of the month - not sure if he's working his butts out or flirting like mad in his country now. My guess is he's probably flirting as well - he claims he's born a playboy with many, many girlfriends...

sorry but FISH him...grrhhh.

so glad its the long weekend
happy.gif
)
 

fitti

New Member
Thks Celia, yap! I'm "living it up" for sonny and myself at the moment!

I was stretching every dollar for that unappreciative man the last 10yrs so that the bills got paid, his parents got their angpows and his buddies got their birthday treats (yesssss...i remember every of his 7 buddies' birthdays and their respective wives' as well!) finally I can be freed from all these bondages (but he'd have to divorce me 1st)...Anyway, i'm trying to get my "youth" back by signing up for facials, pedicures, hair treatments etc...Stuff that i enjoyed pre-married. Hee...sounds like a shallow ambition but have to compensate my hurting heart u kw???;P...i remember a sec sch guy buddy held my hands up and exclaimed that they were the roughest hands he ever held (!!!) and commented that new brides shd look radiant but how come i looked so haggard! That was 5yrs ago (barely 23yrs old then!) and just mths after i got ROM!...Having said that, i'm even more convinced that i dun owe that man a thg and it's time i live for myself (sonny comes 1st tho').

However, Celia, it's really nice of u to offer words of encouragement even tho' u dun go thru' it. Thks and God Bless u too!

Strawberry, i do feel a little better esp after i found this forum thg, i'm picking up courage from people like u! Hey, Sally (Hopeful) and i exchg nos and we'll meet on 1 May. Wanna join? She can't reach u coz dun have ur no.

And like that scumbag u had, i can imagine how hard to "chase" the mthly maintenance from the a** i married. can u imagine i tried to discuss abt the maintenance proposal and he simply replied that he can't contribute much coz his own expenses very high! As if mine not high...half my salary goes to making sure sonny gets to eat well, wear well and childcare fees! Decided not to waste my breath, i'll let the court decide how much he shd pay (or else i become the bad guy again...learnt my lesson already after knowing that he badmouthed me that i was a control freak tho' he really was and still is very INCAPABLE.) Enough said.

Strawberry. do email me hor? We still have to compare whether u, me or Sally has the most stretched marks!!! Ha!
 

strawberry78

New Member
hey fitti
happy.gif

glad you sound much better.

i had a message from ex-HB that he wants to lower the child support amount, and it is already very low, as i am not claiming alimony...sign, he's terrible and will be visiting BB soon...i dread his visits, for his case, no news is good news.

i got to go my relative's place this weekend, so let's catch up at one of the ASM meetings
happy.gif
)

have fun! hang in there, i am very sure you'll find happiness in the near future.
 

hopeful

New Member
Hey pple,
I don't know that we have shifted to another thread. Haha! Strawberry, have to wait long long for ASM meetings. Been waiting and waiting.

Have been quite down for the past few days due to a TERRIBLE piece of bad news. Can't post the news here lah. But feeling damn lously and have been cursing that idiot!

Life sucks at times. Really don't know why certain things happen. Damn unlucky and screwed up just because of one man whom I should not have fallen for.

Haha looks like we are facing the same problem. Seems like those men are the same. Mine also told me that his expenses are extremely high. Funny thing was before separation, he was very thrifty and cld save a lot of money but now.. HIS EXPENSES ARE SKY-ROCKETING! when he does not have to pay any money for maintaining the child at all! More than half of my pay goes to my girl too. Child care, good food (everyday eat expensive fish), eggs, vegetables and fruits and vitamins! Not forgetting books, toys and clothes I buy for her every month.

Well, if that idiot does not want to pay any money to maintain the child, then he should not fight for my child and should not see her at all! But he still wants to see her and wants to fight for her! Dunno what is in their "sicko" brain. Need an overhaul desperately...

All right. Enough of complains. Sorry pple, quite fed up and upset. Need a fairy god-mother to change my life......
 

strawberry78

New Member
Sally,
Yup...those men are zzz!! i dunno abt husbands in general but i surely have married an crappy one!!! he halved his child support and refused to explain properly (his parents behind it again...) and still demands to see the kid and threatened custody.

my colleague said he ought to be shot and burnt in hell!!! she got so angry when she heard about it. maybe all those who have married and become moms would definitely identify on the shitty role of an irresponsible and unreasonable guy.

not sure why but getting really angry and sick of him again after he halved his child support.

just when i was getting over it and wham he has to disrupt my life again - honestly, he and his family have become such nightmare and disappointment that if i never see or deal with any of them again, i am ok. actually i prefer that they move on with their lives (and honestly, i think it'll be better for my boy as well)

since their erratic appearance and emotional disruption to our lives is really unhealthy.

i think i must have done something really wrong somewhere to deserve a a** like ex-HB in my life. can't wait to get my divorce cert with custody in 2 yrs time...counting down!!!

sorry for the angry post - really upset about the wrong choice i made.

i already knew there will be trouble when i met his parents but i didn't knew it would snowball to this bad. no wonder they say the older the ginger the meaner. *grumble*
 

fitti

New Member
Hieee...Sally (Hopeful), thks for inviting me to ur place...I enjoyed it! U people were great! All of u...Blindwife, XLK, Sally(Hopeful), Mark, C.S (obviously i dun remember ur full name ;P)and Mikaela...My apologies tho', coz i spoke too much! Trust me, i normally not so talkative, i was just overwhelmed by the fact i finally have a gp of listeners who completely understand what i go thru'...last yr between June-Dec, i was a walking corpse and the only person i cried to was my best friend Grace...(wonder how come she never walked out on this irritating "harm-bao")...Anyway, i hadn't talked so much that after i reached my sis' place, i had a migraine!

But I'm glad that all of u are so courageous to move on (at least we all try to appear to be so!). Yes, the hurt will never go away but we have so much more to live for! I mean, look at u ladies (hee...can't say the same the guys...;P). all of u look great. 10yrs down the road, those stooopid men (with their brains attached to their groins!) are gg to regret. But for us, by then, we'd have moved on and i'd have met my rich and handsome Bollywood hunk!!!! N possibly migrated to live in Taj Mahal and use gold toilet bowls!!!! Yehhhh!!!!

Okie, remember to ask me again when u meet!

Cheers!
 


hopeful

New Member
Oh,..think the guys in the group are going to cry when they read Fitti's post
Hhahahahha....just kidding.

The heart is more important than the looks!
Don't you all agree?

CHeers!
 

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