Support group - Divorce

[cocobaby]

Hi Sally,

Gald you wrote much this time.

1) Both of you went counselling and yet no results. No point continue the sessions as he didn't open his heart at all. It's takes both hands to clap!

2) Can stay on together living as housemates for your sake of your child. (as what I've told you earlier about my friend story - see above)

3) If the marriage still worth to try again, do give him some more time. Do try to identify is there anything you need to improve? (e.g. your appearance, dressing, self confidence .........)
Maybe it's just a fling when he is in China as he is all alone, no one to talk too, tired and working hard to earn money. Too bad that the time is not right that someone appears and you are not there to support him.........

4) If he really want to and still insists to divorce, ask him to pay for court fees, he must not fight for child custody, you must ask for more maintenance and give you the existing house. (just to safeguard yourself and children.) Please remember to make plans for yourself and your child. (Are you a working mother or housewife?)

 

[pingysic]

Sally

I did not read your thread except for this last message post.

I am in the midst of divorce now, waiting for my court hearing.

For legal advise, we ask the lawyer to do a back dated separation, so we can divorce this year. But in your case, you can't because you have a baby. Unless you back date to your baby birthdate.

Likewise, you can state one of the ground of divorce, that is unreasonable behaviour. You pay the lawyer money, they will paint a very convincing statement so that you will sure get your divorce. Its better to get a lawyer so that he/she can customise to your needs and requirement. No fee is paid for enquries so far.

On personal issue, like to tell you, sorry to say that we, singaporean sure lose to china chick. My husband is in love with a china girl as well. We are childless. I know no matter how we salvage the marriage. His heart is always with her. I heard china girl has their way of capture man's heart.

I let my husband off. I told him the lady can have you, physically. I will have your money instead. I demand a sum of divorce maintenance fee from him. In his heart, i am still his caring wife. On our last night together, he shed his tears of guilty and wish me all the best. In my heart, I wish him best also, but was also waiting to see how long their r/s will last because soon he will be peniless. Afraid he will return to me when the china girl left him, i told him he better don't "chi hui tou cao"

 

[xlk]

Tiong Gok Chicken ah Tiong Gok chicken, so cheap yet so attractive...Sigh. How they manage to capture a man's heart so well?? Put "Gong Tao"?? Let me go & find out more...

 

[strawberry78]

Sally,

Your girl 16 months? my boy 15 months

I am legally separated now - HB indo chinese...says he's going back to Jakarta to do business, then says if i don't join him, he'll divorce me, then says he want to find 100% submissive (can do everything he and his mom says) and stupid (everything also agree with him) girl to be his wife.

Then, long story short, since we can't divorce immediately, we separated for 6 months now, another 30 months, by June 2007 we can legally divorce liao!! Sooner the better, so I can confirm custody of BB.

He still sends some child support each month but not much, need to remind him somemore. So I think I better depend on myself safer in long run!

But truth is, I am so damn happy now, I forget about him completely. There is a saying should treat wife like treasure - HE DIDN'T.

So, its his lost not mine.

My advice is, if his heart is not with you, make plans and let it go.

We all have human instinct, so somehow will survive one. Better be with someone who can treasure you and love you. Why waste time, energy and tears on some jerk? Jerks are plenty, true loves are far and few. Don't waste anymore time on the jerks. Love yourself and your BB.

If he likes China girl, go. If China girl truly likes him, good for him.

If not, too bad for him.

I am so happy now, I can't believe why I stayed with him for eight years - what a complete waste of emotions and time. If not for BB, given the chance to turn back time, I would NEVER fall for him again and this, I am totally sure.

Actually, being single is quite fun!

I am quite child-like, so having BB is not a problem emotionally, just tiring but ok lor

 

[hopeful]

Hi pple thanks for all ur advise. I really appreciate it. I think if that China lady really likes him, den she can have him... There is no pt keeping his body and not his heart.
Sad to say, China woman really are very capable in capturing men's hearts. I really pei fu them. Well, see what ending he will have.
Thanks for sharing

 

[lostatlantis]

Apologies for the invitation to the support group without contact details...
Akin to a door without the key...
Anyway for those who needs advice on various matters or just a listening ear from people experiencing the same thing as you...
Do feel free to write to [email protected] ...
We will get in touch with you ASAP...
In the meantime, be strong and realise that help is all around you if you open yourself to it...
You're not alone and dun feel that you have to face whatever unpleasant situation you're in alone...

 

[lostatlantis]

Sally

I think you're very brave to face the ugly truth that your husband is no longer someone you can depend on for both your baby girl and yourself...

It is a difficult road that you are embarking on as a single parent like Strawberry can attest to... Personally I used to come from a single parent environment and I have the greatest love and respect for my mum... Am sure that your darling daughter will see what a great mum you have been and it'll all be worth it... (or at least that's what my mum says *grins*)...

If you need to get together with some single mums, Strawberry can probably introduce you to one or I can too... Have met some terrific single mums out there...

Have courage and all our blessings...

 

[support_group]

For those still hiding in the dark, don't hide yourself anymore, share with the group and we will light up and lead your life again...

Do leave down your email and let us know whether you will feel better with a guy or a gal from our group to reply back to you. The advise will be accurate. If the group can't get the answer for your question, we will try to seek for an answer from the professional counsellor.



Don't think that if you fall to the ground, you will never get up again...

Van Mcallister (1915)

 

[dingo_beans]

Recalling the evening in Sick&Tired’s place, where we shared our deepest sorrow, exchanging our real life drama.

Comparing this against the joy and laughter we had in recent gatherings and I am truly happy to see many have found own foot hole in life and gearing back in pace to move on. Winding back the clock to the days we were deeply in distress. All alone in a house, feeling your heart slashing over and hearing it breaking into pieces. Christmas is about giving and sharing. With it around the corner and instead of celebrating this joyous moment, there are many lost souls in similar predicament, crying in a corner, lonely, despair and hopeless.

Is this what we are all about?

Once I was at the very edge of ending my misery.
From this group, I found the energy to live again.
From this group, I found the courage to move on.
True enough, the gatherings are still therapeutic to me.

But is this all to it?

"In the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried, saying, If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink. He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water." John 7:38

If you believe that HE has helped you in your recovery and moving on, my dear driends, in this joyous day to remember His birth, let your rivers flow.

Merry X'mas.

 

[strawberry78]

merry christmas to all!!

may next year bring bigger blessings and terrific times for all.

 

[no_longer_sick&tired]

MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Mmmm... where's the rest of the member greetings?

Hello?

 

[newsbreaker]

Need advise...
When is the appropriate time to announce divorce news to parents & in-laws? Is it before filing for divorce or after obtaining the divorce letter?

Also, who should break the news to them? Tog for both sides? or settled individually with own parents?

Thks.

 

[redstar202]

Merry Christmas to all! And let us look forward to a better and happier year!

 

[xlk]

Merry X'mas, happy new year & "Ping Ann Huat Cai"

 

[hopeful]

Hi pple, my hb had finally brought up separation. He wanted to be separated and I agreed. See no point together. I need to settle some issues first like where to stay after separation, what abt the child, what abt the house. There are so many things to handle..
Is there any contact for support group?
I really need some advise now. Very lost. Thanks

 

[lostatlantis]

Hi Sally

*hugs* we're sorry that things have come to such... and the many decisions that you have to make will probably not be easy...

There are many in the group who have had to make the same decisions and they'll gladly pass on any advice they've accummulated as they've or are still going through the same things that you are right now...

Some of us who are able to do chat on Yahoo Messenger each evening, you can email me at [email protected] and we can exchange contact details so that you can join us on the Yahoo conference online...

Should you want to meet up, some of us are also meeting up at a member of the support group's home on New Year's Eve for an informal bbq... the hostess for the evening is also a member of another support group for single mums so I'm sure that she has much to share with you... let us know how you prefer to be contacted...

You take care in the meantime ya and be strong...

 

[lostatlantis]

Hi Newsbreaker

The bearer of unwelcomed news always has the most difficult task and we can understand your situation cos it's also a very common dilemma experienced by many in the support group...

Unfortunately its equally hard for us to advise you on a best time and method to break the news to parents and in-laws cos situations vary...

I guess at the end of the day, it depends on (1) how well your parents and in-laws know of your situation, (2) what kind of a relationship you have with your parents and in-laws, (3) your relationship with your spouse and what is the reason...

I think usually the time and how you tell them is not as critical as the reason given...

I'll drop a note to the support group members to post their experience and share with them what they did and anything they would have done differently and you can decide from there probably...

As with Sally (hopeful) you're welcomed to join us on the Yahoo conference so do drop us an email if should prefer that...

Regards...

 

[dingo_beans]

Hi Newsbreaker,

The answer really depends on what's important to you. Do you need their support to go through this trauma (family's the best support you can get) or gradualized their shock. For the latter, you can appear in your parent's place more often and when asked about your hubby, say that you guys are not on talking terms/difficult to communicate etc.. then over time say that things are not working out between you etc. This will prepare them for the ultimate news. End of the day, there's no BEST answer. Each has advantage and disadvantage.

Not sure on what grounds you guys are divorcing and how open are your parents/in laws towards this, but I assume it's done very amicably. (good on you). All parents hope that their kids will have a happy marriage and last thing in their mind is to hear a divorce. Breaking the news to them together will potentially get their understanding, (very matured way), but adverse side of it is that the event is going to be very stressful and inviting a lot of questioning why both of you cannot reconcile. On the other hand, for you to break your news to your parents and your spouse to his, will be less stressful, but parents will defintely put blame on the other party. The answer really depends on how open your parents/in laws are, how well you can handle the situation and grounds for your divorce.

I see that your spouse and you are both very matured to consider issues like this and care a lot about your parents/in laws. Again, I've to ask you this, can't the marriage be salvage? Go see a marriage counsellor or talk to us if you want.

Take care.

 

[dingo_beans]

"You have given me my deeper thirsting after life. Surely there is no greater gift to a man than that which turns all his aims into parching lips and all life into a fountain.
And in this lies my honour and my reward, - That whenever I come to the fountain to drink, I find the living water itself thirsty; And it drinks me while I drink it." Kahlil Gibran

Come share our honour and be duly rewarded.

 

[dingo_beans]

Sally,

Can't imagine the pain you are going through,especially while everybody ELSE is celebrating X'mas and New Year. From what I read, your husband still has feelings for you and from what we learnt, marriage counsellors might not be helpful at times.

Hope that we can help in anyway and looking forward to you contacting us.

Take care.

 

[crystalberri]

Hello newsbreaker

Actually I regret that I told my mum before I filed for the divorce. I should have tell her after everything is settled or tell her over the times. Some parents can take the shock some can't. My mum is one who can't take it. I feel that its better to settle it individually with own parents. Ur marriage really cannot salvage?

Dear all

Wishing all a Happy New Year!!! May all yr dreams come true...hohoho

With Lots of Love from me

 

[evielow]

The epilogue to 2004.

It seems like an eternity I've first posted my troubles on the Internet in late August. To the newcomers, I'm the newly married wife, who has been betrayed cruelly by a man that I loved dearly. I romed last Dec and had my customary this March. Problems begin in August, when husband started to come home really late frequently. A day to his proposal anniversary, I discovered evidence of his adultery. Video clips, and hundreds of digital photos he took with his lover on a Maldives trip. I've not even gone on a honeymoon with him. Following that, I discovered more lies about his finances, his background and past...

It was a horrifying discovery. The period between July 2003 and July 2004 when I first knew him, loved him, married him and lived with him was the most beautiful period. He WAS the perfect husband, friend, lover and man. But alas, it was just a farce, his character was fake. It was just a fairytale.

Waking up from the fairytale is indeed painful and difficult. Dec 2004 was the anniversary of our rom, yet I was all alone. I remembered last Dec we talked about having our own first X'mas tree in our own house, yet no tree decorated my living room. Living alone was painful. The dog we bought on our rom date was a joy and pain to me. She was the bittersweet symbol of our dead love. Yet her every sweet gesture of putting her head on my lap and looking at me adoringly melted my heart. And I reversed my decision to give her away. Though difficult physically, mentally and emotionally, she is a lifetime commitment. Even though there's no more two of us, I'm determined not to be a quitter like my spouse.

Surprisingly after the torment my spouse has put me through, I don't hate him. I feel sorry for him. Perhaps this failed marriage has taught me that there are many despairing people out there with dark secrets so dark that we cannot even begin to fathom. It is not enough to say "I understand" when you've not been to the depths of hell. Perhaps knowing and feeling hurt is the only way to empathise with others who are truly hurt. In a sad but enlightening way, I open my eyes to many smiling people who are actually crying inside.

2004 is the turning point of my life. It marks the death of fairytales and happy forevers. Yet 2004 has shown me the incredible strength of the human spirit. Despite beatings, extreme pain and scarring, the human spirit always finds ways of bouncing back. It's amazing to see how fellow pained friends from this support group have gone through the pain of failed marriages, and yet emerged stronger in spirit. They've survived the tumbling, and are still walking on.

2005. The path ahead looks uncertain. I'm not so sure of my destination too. Perhaps one day, I'll reach there. Perhaps not. Regardless, I'll try to enjoy the scenery. I hope you guys will too.

Happy New Year.

 

[crisp]

Hi Sally,

Understand from your current situations that you're having as previously i'm in the same plight as you. But always remember that, no matter what difficulties you gonna have in the near future, you must always brace up just for the sake of your little gal and continue to walk through this obstacles.

As for your child custody, have you thought of whose gonna be her guardian ?

If you would like to meet up or to get some advice from us, i can make the arrangement for you with our group.

Hope that we could help you in anyway and looking forward to contact us.

Take Care,
Belle

 

[melancholic]

Hi

I am in my late 30s and I can emphatised with what Sally is going through. I am also in the midst filing for a divorce after 10 yrs of marriage and 1o years of courtship with my first love. All in all, I spent 20 years with him.

To cut the story short, a few months after I married him, he decided to go to Canada to work and while he was away, a lawyer's letter for child maintenance was sent to him. At the same time, I was receiving endless crank calls and anonymous letter with an intimate photograph of my husband and a girl. Later on, I found out that he got his colleague pregnant and she was trying to obtain child maintenance from him. While I was trying to dispel the truth, I received a telephone call from another woman, who went over to stay with him in Canada. I tried to obtain an explanation fm him, but to no avail. I flew to Canada only to find dirty lingerie in his apartment. He said that the lingerie belonged to someone else and that I should trust him and not anybody else. Being a newly married woman, I trusted him.

I gave birth to my elder son 9 mths later.He returned to S'pore only near the due date. I was alone coping with the pregnancy while he was having a good time in Canada.

After his return, we had constant arguments, partly because my hb was beyond reasoning. He was not remorseful and did not offer any explanation for his actions. His mother made things worse by instigating him to leave our matrimonial home. I had DOS done but he refused to sign.

During the physical separation, he found a job at a leading general insurance company and he was courting his colleague. My aunt and cousin caught 2 of them hand in hand.

Few months later, the flat we applied for was ready and he because extremely nice to me, wanting to make things worked. I went along with him, trying to forgive him. We finally did up the flat but I only returned with my son on weekends as my parents are taking care of him in the east, while the flat was in the west. During that time, he was staying alone in the flat as he had a fall out with my family. During this time, he was bringing his colleague home to sleep.

I had my second son 4 yrs ago, thinking that he wanted to make marriage work. Obviously not, there was no room for discussion, he refused to go marriage counselling. Gradually, we don't communicate only wrt to kids.

A few months ago, I found mushy sms in his handphone to someone, telling how much he loves her and how much he wants to go to bed with her. I confronted him again and he refused to admit. I finally plucked up the courage to call the person and found out that he was still dating his ex-colleague since the birth of my first son. He has been sleeping with her at her parents' home for 8 yrs. He told her that he has divorced me and that both sons are not his. He even visited her relatives and collect red packets during CNY. Now I begin to understand why he always gives me hell during wedding anniversary, my children and my birthdays, festive periods. Never have peace. He would not take me to wherever I want to go or even to provide for me.

This is really a big blow to me and he is definitely different from the innocent lad whom I first knew. Incidentally, he made use of me to attain his degree and now he runs his own general insurance agency at Cargo Complex.

He goes to niteclubs and karaoke, massage palours which offer extra services with his clients. I'm not surprised he is sleeping with those lounge hostesses as well. On nights that he doesn't come home, or go to his mistress's place, he would be with some lounge hostess out there.

There were signs already but am refusing to acknowledge as I refused to believe that he would change so drastically.

I have given numerous chances and he did not make good. For the sake of my 2 sons,9 yrs and 4 yrs, I have to move on. My elder boy is so badly affected that he did very badly in his exams.

Thank goodness, I have the support of my parents, siblings, aunts to keep me sane. Hopefully, 2005 will see my divorce matters settled and also no hiccups in the custody of my kids.

May all of us have a good 2005!!

 

[evielow]

Dear Melancholic,

Your posting has given me lots of pause. I reread your posting a few times, and every time, your life story has left me feeling despair for the human character.

Some of the situations and cases within support group are really blaffling. It is during dark times we feel really lost and ask ourselves why is this happening? Why are there people like that? In such extreme pain and hardship, one wonders why is the world still revolving? Why is life still going on regardless of one's despair?

There are too much sorrow in the world, and too many unanswered questions. Yet in the darkest moment, even a small ray of hope seems the brightest. "The faintest star glows the brighter in the darkened sky." We will probably never have answers to the happenings around us. But in the process of discovering truth, we see and experience hope. Your sons are hope. Your optimism is a hope. Your family's support is a hope. Your future is a hope. Even a stranger's words are a hope.

Life has a way of turning around. With the recent disaster, we see hardened hearts softening and reaching out to others. In our pain, we learn to reach out to others to empathise, to share, to help and to give hope. When we fall, we learn to receive help and give help in return.

Your strength and courage will be a beacon for those who are walking the same dark and difficult path. We see so many survivors before us, and know for certain, that we can too, emerge victorious.

Cheers to 2005!

 

[strawberry78]

Melauncholic,
Before my divorce, I thought the worst situation is to have a cheating spouse. Now, I guess my philosophy is more of if two people are not happy together - then its best to separate.

No use fighting the force...

I am not sure but anyone know of couples who have cheating spouse but are happy together? Most people I know who cheat are either subconsciously or consciously unhappy in their relationship. If this is not the case, then the guilty party probably have some mental stuff going on, a visit to the psychiatrist is highly recommended.

So perhaps its time to really reassess? Are both parties happy together? Or the values are fundamentally so different, its really pushing it to stay together? Need to be honest lor.

I do know of people who stayed together for the sake of their kid, this one kept saying he'll wait till his son is grown up and he'll divorce his wife. Now, he makes use of her to be his maid in and baby-sitter, while he fools around. So he has his cake and eats it too. But his wife (don't know if she knows) is still with him.....

So I think I prefer to be a divorced mom than to be stuck in a dead marriage and wonder everyday. My son, now 15 months, has spend more time without an in-house dad. But its ok, cos I have already made plans to tell him about it. I don't think he should whine about it and if his friends tease him about it, he'll just have to tell it upfront that hey, you can't have it all!

My backup plan is to find a good child psychologist for him to work out his issues, if any...when he is older.

Sort of deal with it as it comes.

For one, I am damn happy away from ex-HB, we are waiting out the three year separation and sometimes he starts threatening to fight custody or call me names. But without that, its so much better. No need to fight and cry. I've gone beyond that and remembered how happy I used to be WITHOUT him in my life. I must have been walking in circles blinded for the past eight years I was with him.....we separated after married for less than three years. Mostly in laws problem.

But its ok, we all learn and move on!

Cheers, and in light of the Tsunami victims, we really can't complain much anymore. People out there are dying and suffering - what is time out from someone who is not even worth our effort in the first place? I don't think its worth shedding a single extra tear for someone who doesn't love us anymore. Let the person go, everyone will be happier. Don't force and things will fall in place

Cheers to a better year and those who can afford it, please donate to the Tsunami victims - red cross, Mercy hotline.

My personal wish is that the money will reach those truly in need and fast.

 

[melancholic]

Hi Evie and Strawberry,

Thanks for consoling me. To be honest, I am more or less prepared for my marriage to end eversince my HB started womanising. It's just that I couldn't find evidence to confront him. whenever I confronted him, he would claim that I am being paranoid. I finally met up with the other woman a few months' ago. Apparently, she was told that he is a divorcee. Sigh... He wants to have the best of both worlds!

I have been reading about pathological liars and psychopaths. I was amazed to see that my HB is displaying the behaviours of pathological liars. I am beginning to come to terms that my marriage has to end as I don't have any more stamina coping with his erratic temperament. I am not able to trust him again. Not sure if anything he says is the truth. His brain kena short circuit!

Both of you are right! I hung on for 10 yrs in the marriage for the sake of the kids. During those period, he treated me as a maid and baby-sitter, at his beck and call. He made me stay at home with the kids after a day's work, during weekends and public holidays, while he flings outside. I used to have bubbly laughter and after 20 yrs with him, I don't know what laughter is anymore. I don't even have any more tears to shed! Well, time will heal and I just have to wake up from this horrible nightmare.

Our life is a stage. One chapter of my life is coming to an end and a new chapter begins.

Let's pray for the Tsunami victims and their families, to help them overcome this period of difficulties. God Bless!!

 

[crazy_guy]

i just come to know tat one of my galfren maybe heading for divource soon..bb is due next yr...si bei sian to hear tat..

 

[newsbreaker]

Hi

Thks for all the advises. Think i will inform my parents after filing. As for him, he said that he will inform them first.
Now, i am waiting for his move. Cos after consulting lawyer myself, the lawyer told me that if we both decided to try for annul the marriage and use non consummate as the reason, he shd be the one filing for the annul. I told him abt these, and now waiting for his move. But now, he asked me to wait for another 2 yrs cos by then, we can sell in open mkt, and will not lost the 20% cash downpayment of appro $100K cos we bought an EC. But, to me, i dun want to waste anymore time. We had been in this stage for 3 yrs. Both are suffering. And i told him that to him, $$ is always the first priority. Even when we got this flat, its also his "worth buying" mentallity. He is kind of "da nan ren", and whenever i told him of my other thoughts, he always brain wash me to follow his way.

I had enough of all these and dun think i m going to give in this time round. I dun want to waste time further. although $50K is lots of $$. But i am not quite sure if wat he said is true. Cos, according to lawyer, surrender the hse to govt at 90% mkt rate. Whatever loss need not top up to govt. But if we sell at open mkt, we need to top up the lost. So, isnt it back to the same??

For mths, he had stopped visiting my parents. I still do. And whenever my mum asked abt him, initially i wil said that he's busy. Now, i told mum that i cant do anything if he dun want to come rite.

For me, i still do dine with his parents, although i can feel that his mum only longed to see his son whenever we are there.

Both our parents are aware that we are not in good term. but not in details why and to wat extend.

my thought now is to settle this asap. will asked him again next week on the progress of seeking lawyer.

My sis is getting ROM end Jan. Dun know how to handle this too. Shd he go or not?? Sign.....

 

[strawberry78]

newsbreaker,
we lost 65K selling our condo studio...including transaction fees. the market rate has fallen more than 60K since we bought it two years ago. perhaps its payback time for making the wrong choice initially. of course, losing the money sucks and feels awful but in the long run, it can be earnt back but time lost can't be relived.

so its really a personal choice - i am slowly letting my relatives know about the divorce.

good thing is that we took the three years separation route - good and bad, maybe. but good because it gives me time to plan for single parenthood. emotionally, financially, and so forth. bad because the DOS is quite non-conclusive because what if he fights for custody? I know I stand almost complete chance of getting BB custody because I have been providing the care and am the mother BUT never know. Should always be prepared and cautious about the what if.

But in the sense, I am really taking this time to rebuild my life in every sense and its never been more enlightening.

After being married I think, what's so great about it? Especially having to cope with the in laws and relatives, yuks. So depressing, trapped and stressful. OK if have good and understanding in laws but the clingy, critical and complaining types, forget it. BB and I are happier without. Nowadays society is getting more open and people should just accept that life situation changes and there is nothing wrong about being in a less favorable position for a while.

Nonetheless, I still advocate we take the moment to reflect on the Tsunami victims and donate, pray for those who don't even have the luxury of choice. Right now, we have so many choices - to marry, divorce, separate, to be single, married, parent, non-parent, so forth. People out there are sitting in the cold winds, clammy surroundings, nursing an untreated wound, stinging feeling of having lost a loved one forever to the tides of wind. Its not easy for them and life must have felt horrible. Its so easy to please them - give them a drink, warm food, clothing, shelter, and a nice word. Life is simpler in that sense too.

Truth is, we are spoilt for choice - legally, financially, condos, ECs, HDBs, downpayments, mortgages, etc.....its a luxurious life for some out there. Just count our blessings and let things pass. I am happy to have a chance to have MIL out of my life, felt like a big stone taken off my neck when I signed my DOS. Suddenly, I can fly (figuratively). Of course, there are moments when I miss ex-HB especially back in the days when we were happier, without the in laws. But I think of how his parents pressurize and eventually broke our marriage, I think, how lucky I am to break free, and with BB by my side too.

Its a blessing, not otherwise.

 

[mochamel]

Dear Melancholic

when dealing with hb who is constantly lying is indeed deterimental to one's own mental and physical health. its tough extracting the truth (if there any) from the piles of lies. he wants the best of both world. sad to say it sounds a losing game.

your words have resounded in my mind to brace up and live on. thank you.
your optimism and courage to move on will be a great stength to both your sons and maybe to others who are reading in to this forum.

try not to discuss of divorce matters with you hb in front of your sons so as not destroy the father figure that they have. but gradually let them know that daddy & mummy have tried their best but not able to keep the marriage going. but both of you def still love them as much as before.

but on the a/c of 10yr of marriage, can you both try at working something out first before agree to sign divorce papers? (put all the happenings out of the picture only rationale on him alone)

i wish for all best for you

 

[wildcat]

sally

you have 2 choices:

1. file for divorce based on adultery. you need to gather evidence though. as the third party is in china, it would cost more and harder to gather. you can collect evidence in singapore on your own. bank account statements, credit card bills, phone bills, e-mails, sms'es, photos on pcs/laptops/ pdas etc. you have a higher bargaining power if you have evidence and you can claim your legal fees up to S$1.5K and the entire PI fee from your husband.

2. agree to separation in hope that he leaves the woman in the course of 3 years. in this case, you will have to bear full legal costs yourself regardless of the outcome.

hope this helps.

take care.

 

[melancholic]

Hi Sens

Thanks for your well wishes. I hve been trying so hard to get my hb to work things out but he chose to run away frm things. He wld neglect me and not even discuss anything. 8 yrs ago, he had a dressing down by the judge at the family court when we had a mediation session. He was just next to impossible to deal with. Even the mediators couldn't handle him.

I badly wanted to make the marriage work. However, I can't do it alone, without his co-operation. I don't hve another 20 yrs to waste on him. He is not remorseful and is happily partying away with clients at nightclubs while here I am coping with the kids and pressure at work. He does not even want to lend a listening ear to me.

I don't deny that my kids love him dearly. He loves them by showering them with material things. Other than that, he was never there when they needed him. Eg, in Dec 04, when my 4-yr old was suffering from 10 days high fever. He was out playing mahjong with "clients" the whole nite and I couldn't reach him over the phone to get him to fetch my son to the hospital. At the end, my parents had to send us. My boy's fever was above 40 degrees and I was frantic. He was never there to console me.

In short, I am a grass widow. Only his wife in name only. I am only the mother of his sons.

I hope by CNY, life would be better. By then, my divorce wld have been through, and what's left would be the custody issue.

 

[beaver]

I've been reading this thread tho not much of a poster here. Would like to wish everyone a very happy new year. May things get better.

Strawberry, your BB does sound soooo adorable! my mental image of him has been growing along with your postings. Am so happy that you can find the meaning in single life. I had an extremely enjoyable single life before and still fail to understand when fren's lament their single lives.

xilangkia - my dialect is not good at all... is Tiong Kor Bangkok or China? pl help...i have 2 weeks to figure this out before talking to a relative who speaks only teochew! i could ask my mum or my sis, but they'll laff at me first b4 telling me.

I am not wise in the area of marital relationships etc. I look around me now and expect for my own sister and her hubby, every couple i knew who married around mid-twenties or earlier have broken up in less than 10 years. There are those who feel hurt but there are also those who are gleeful about their newfound freedom.

Melancholic - you are much more than "only the mother of his sons." You are never ONLY anything. The "success"/ "failure" of a marriage doesn't depend on one person.

Blind Wife, you're no longer blind, you can enjoy the scenery, you'll see it.

beaver

 

[xlk]

Hi XDD,

Tats Chian...not BKK. From wat i noe,the gals are beri beri daring...tats y majority of the guys cannot resist their tempt & seduction. But come to talk abt it,there is no free lunch in this world lor,gain something but had to sacrifice another thing in the end.Of cos i m not saying all china gals are like tat lah!

 

[beaver]

thanks xlk! i'm need find out how to say thailand in teochew then.always tot is tiong kok. oooh, the china gals, i must say i've seen some really gorgeous ones around, in groups of 2s or 3s. unfortunately, they speak so loudly, mind-blowing decibels! had a v nice "china gal" working for me once tho, she often sighed about the poor image of china gals no thanks to the few who "spoil the market".

 

[no_longer_sick&tired]

Wishing all a happy chinese lunar new year! Have a great fresh start ahead for the new year!

The support group is still around! If anybody need any support from the group, do drop down your email and someone will be in contact with you soon!

 

[newsbreaker]

happy new year to all... but as for me, i am still unsure how is my feeling like =(

According to him, he had filed for annul. Think now is to wait for court hearing to obtain the 1st doc (not sure what's that call tho).

And he mentioned that he had told his parents about our issue. Also suggested to spend this NY separately. I did asked him what did his parents said. He told me that his parents do suspect something not rite. If this is the decision, then they are sad but lets move on. Image, we communicate all these thro sms.

Days later, i talked to my sis abt these conversation we had and these sms. My sis is also disappt with his parents advise.

Well, to me, i had no more energy to work things out with him. Guess what. On one hand, he keeps saying he want to work things out. Want me to think abt it. Want me to wait for and 1-2 yrs (in time for the hse to reach 5 yrs so that it can be sold in open mkt). I am really very disappt cos $$ is still his top priority. On the other hand, he is busy in his work. Not only that, he is busy setting up a company with his frds. And he had been going for team building courses at his work place, wit his colleagues. WOW!!! I think he know how to work on team building with his colleagues and frds much more then with me. I really give up all hopes.

Coming to this stage, i also don't really blame him. Just feel that we can't really communicate and come out with common objectives. I know he still care abt me. But well, maybe our objectives and views of marriage life is diff.

My concern now is when to break the news to parents. B4 or after CNY. We will be spending the NY separately. But i don't mind staying at home at NY eve, so as not to disclose this news to parents yet. Not sure thou.

Really sian. Did not have any happy new year since the day i got married till now....

 

[newsbreaker]

just had a word with him....in person. He told me that for EC, if annul succeed, it will be taken back by developer at 80% of buying price. He said that there is never a clause that govt will take back EC at 90% of market price. Not sure if this is true.

Wander if there is any advise from EC holder? Thks.

 

[dingo_beans]

Hi Newsbreaker,

Be prepared for CNY. Avoid visiting relatives. You don't want to hear them asking for your husband or worse still, when are you gonna have a baby. Try to make some plans to stay with frens, preferrably friends that are not attached. Else you'll be very blue.

My two cents worth.

 

[soonalone]

haven't been here for a long long time....

My family is going to have a grand CNY visit at my grandma's house because she just passed her 100-year-old.

Yes, I don't feel like going to meet my almost 100s of my relatives because of those questions... However, I feel deprived my son's of the enjoyment of CNY if I don't take him there.

So, maybe I should face the reality, divorce is not a crime. We are just unfortunate, but I believe we all learned from it.... Well, it's always easy to say so.... pray that I've the courage... and same for all.

 

[not_so_easy]

it is nice to be able to gather with family back home...there is indeed nothing wrong to break the news and what's done cannot be undone. I am sure if your family do know what you are going thru..they'll give you their support and blessing as well..........be brave to face the truth!

 

[newsbreaker]

Hi All

Thks for all yr encouragement. I will try to be stable. But its always earier to say. But will try =))

 

[strawberry78]

i haven't posted for a long time too but yeah CNY, almost everyone knows....except some, including grandparents - esp grandfather been asking - so my key message will be MIL want him to spend NY in jakarta. anyway, MIL, FIL are the ones who made him the monster he is today. so be it...i just wish he can sign the papers and close our joint account, and from then on, leave me and BB to lead our lives in peace and happiness.

don't want to hear from him, hear about him or think about him anymore - even don't want to be upset or cry about the gone case r/ship anymore. but i guess i knew this would happen when i saw MIL, it couldn't have turned out otherwise, she managed to wreck his brothers and his r/ships before - so why not this? but i did not expect her to be so heavy handed even when her son and i were already married with BB - that said, she is as good as a homebreaker herself. probably not only her, FIL too, perhaps worse, because MIL is still a mother herself, so she suggested BB remain with me while FIL ever said he wanted BB with him but FIL is a terrible guy. He even speculated all of MIL savings away due to greed.

so. its really my good fortune to cut off ties from this type of ppl, family.

i just hope to move on with my life and be happy. will be a busy CNY because will be starting new job before NY - so moving out of my comfort zone too. my 5th and last year in my current job. hopefully new start for me.

i think its a good thing afterall - ie. separating from BB dad. i just need to be more confident about my choices in life.

 

[lizzyjay]

My hub and me signed the DOS on 13 Dec 04. We have been together for 16 yrs, of which 6 yrs married. Have a baby who is now 15 mths.

We were fine until after birth that we quarreled often over baby and us. We agreed that we have to see a marriage counsellor to help us. A week after talking about arranging for one, he was away in Indo for training. We called, we talked and sms about our son and him missing us both. He came back earlier than schedule but said have to get to Taiwan. Yes, it's true he has training there too but there is also this gal he knows there whom he has been in contact for years. She was once his friend's gf and he accepted her as my son's god mom. She even sent jewellery over here for my son. So fine he's gone.

The few days there..no sms, no calls. So he returned and was so different. What he bought for me, he just threw it to me. I was so puzzled. I let it be until one day he said he won't be back for 3 nites as he has some nite training. I grew suspicious.

Checked his mail and saw a short mail to her with some love msg. (Though I tried to think of other reasons that was written)There was one hotel booking which was cancelled. It said guest was from Taiwan! I got so worried.

That nite I kept asking him like when is this friend of his coming to Sin, and whether he has ever said 'love' word to anyone else except me and his son. Of course, answer is no.

In the morn while he was in the toilet, I checked his phone msg and saw chinese text msgs, with love word (I can't read chinese) There was also this flight info and hotel booking dates, the days he said he has training. Confronted him. He looked away in pain. We sat on the bed. Asked him how can this happen to us. He just said he wants a separation. SO simple.

I begged him not to for his son's sake but he refuses, saying he don love me anymore. Told him how can that be when just a week back he even sms me to say he miss us and love us. He just tell me he only miss his son but just say the same to me too.

Cried for the nites he didn come home. Hp also not on. I was so lost....That was then.

Now after separation (he said he still not happy cos we haven divorce yet) we are still living under the same roof, diff room. He fetches my son to my mum's place in the morning and he fetches us back from there at nite. Quite often he still have dinner there too. Still goes out say, shopping even movies too. Though not catch one for a month now.

Just 2 weeks back, we attended my cousin wedding together. And this weekend, we are going to his cousin's. From Sep to just last month, we still slept together n several occasions. He says still want us to be friends. Asked him what friends, he said can be like bf/gf. Even now he still say he doesn't love me too.

I don't know why do we have such weird relationship? I always hug and try to kiss him. He just say hug can but no kiss. So night time I cuddle close to him in his bed for his hug. Sometimes he hugs, otherwise he chase me out of the room.

Now, what can I do? I still wash his clothes, I care for him when recently he is in hospital for minor surgery. Took him and brought him there. Just went in again today for some prob.

We (or rather me) are now waiting for the day we get a lawyer to settle our flat transfer. Application form has been submitted but need to hire a lwayer to do it for us. I don want to look like I'm chasing him out. He said he will only move out after the transfer is completed.
But I'm hoping he will just change his mind about the whole thing. Am I kidding myself? I don't know how to move on with my life without him. But having him still home, knowing he talks with her for at least 20 hrs/mth, sms her with all the love words, is too unbearable. I try not to go crazy. Maybe I won't but again, am I kidding myself?

 

[dingo_beans]

Lizzy,
outch.
Whenever I hit the keyboards to visit this forum, I've my reservations.
I'm scared to see postings like yours.

Can't imagine the pain you're in and how you find energy to carry yourself day by day. Despite what he has done and is still doing now, you're still holding hopes that he'll return. It's crazy of course. But we understand as we've been there before. Read from somewhere that the first stage of reaction is shock. You're probably going through that and soon you'll also be moving on to denial and long before that will you find acceptance.

It's been a while since I invited people here to join us. But I believe you really need someone to talk to. Pls consider sending me an email at [email protected] or any other emails in this thread. Pls believe me that we've no ill intentions and having gone through what you're going through now, we really and truly understand and wanna help. There are equal mix of gals and guys and many have gone through the stage you're currently in. Should you be more comfortable, I'll direct a female to contact you.

Meanwhile, pls be rational and think of your baby. Hope that things will work out.
All the best and you'll have my prayers.

 

[wildcat]

CNY

i went through one CNY last year. it wasn't so bad. i even went to visit my now ex-parents-in-laws. he visited my parents after being told by his parents, he even gave them ang pows, chatted with them and played with my niece as before. my parents' verdict: he is a damn good actor.

my family knew about the cracks in my marriage as i had told them from the start. my parents told me that they would prefer that we try to reconcile but if it was too difficult, it is alright to go for a divorce.

i chose the path of divorce.

my relatives all knew about it through my mom and i believe they have been told not to ask me about it.

during cny, a couple did ask but did not probe if i didn't want to say anything. most just said or gave nods and looks that they know and will be there for me if i need anything. i was most grateful.

i gather at the upcoming cny, my relatives will be back to asking me if i am dating someone. i shall keep them guessing.

 

[wildcat]

The Old Man and His Shoe

One day an old man boarded a bus. As he was going up the steps, one of his shoes slipped off. The door closed and the bus moved off so he was unable to retrieve it. The old man calmly took off his other shoe and threw it out of the window.

A young man on the bus saw what happened, and could not help going up to the old man and asking, "I noticed what you did, sir. Why did you throw out your other shoe?"

The old man promptly replied, "So that whoever finds them will be able to use them."

The old man in the story understood a fundamental philosophy for life - do not hold on to something simply for the sake of possessing it or because you do not wish others to have it.
We lose things all the time. The loss may seem to us grievous and unjust initially, but loss only happens so that positive changes can occur in our lives. We should not always assume that losing something is bad, because if things do not shift, we'll never become better people or experience better things. That's not to say of course that we only lose "bad" things; it simply means that in order for us to mature emotionally and spiritually, and for us to contribute to the world, the interchange between loss and gain is necessary.

Like the old man in the story, we have to learn to let go. The world had decided that it was time for the old man to lose his shoe. Maybe this happened to add momentum to a series of events leading to a better pair of shoes for the old man. Maybe the search for another pair of shoes would lead the old man to a great benefactor. Maybe the world decided that someone else needed the shoes more.

Whatever the reason, we can't avoid losing things. The old man understood this. One of his shoes had gone out of his reach. The remaining shoe would not have been much help to him, but it would be a cherished gift to a homeless person desperately in need of protection from the ground.

Hoarding possessions does nothing to make us or the world better. We all have to decide constantly if some things or people have run their course in our lives or would be better off with others. We then have to muster the courage to give them away.

 

[wildcat]

Lizzy

I admire your strength and tolerance.

I chose the path of divorce and not separation (in hope of reconciliation) as I had decided that my mind and body will not be able to withstand the agony of knowing my ex-husband was in love with somebody else and was doing all the things he used to do to and for me when he was courting me and in the earlier days of our marriage. It was too painful.

Of course, there are men who do turn back and the marriages become stronger than before. I salute the women who are/were willing to stake their happiness, time and effort and emerge victorious.

It is after all your life and choice. I wish you all the best and welcome you to contact the divorce support group in dingo_beans posting if you need someone to talk to.

 

[evielow]

Months after discovery of his betrayal

I listened to many songs about breaking up, about moving on, about letting go and about couples growing old together. Those songs always bring tears to my eyes. I wondered about life's adversities, trials and separations. I wondered about the foolishness, the constant confusion and stubbornness of humans. I wondered about the universe and the purpose of our lives. I wondered about God and our directions.

So many wondering and pondering, and I know there's no definite answer. There's no valid reason for pain, hurt and sorrow. It's just a circle of life, where every creature strives to survive. Life's a test of courage, strength and wisdom.

Marriage, love, relationships, separations - all these are part and parcel of life. At 10, we think of playing. At 20, we think of romance. At 30, we think of marriage and stability. At 40, we think of children. At 60, we think of retirement. At 70, we think of death. At 90, we think of lost loved ones. There's something at every stage of life. Some of us tasted happiness, while some of us got stung by pain and grief. And that's life. Bitter yet sweet. Or sweet yet bitter.

Life's about choices. And no regrets. Half a century down the road, you don't want to think of the "what-ifs". Perhaps some of us keep making the wrong choices. But don't think of "what-ifs" anymore. If you want to save your marriage, make a really good attempt and start on a clean slate. If you don't want to save it, walk away without regrets. Life's too short for "what-ifs".

Adventures are ahead. So many things to see. So many people to love. So many emotions to feel. So many miles to walk ... Just make sure you gear yourself up first with a good pair of trainers.