Support group - Divorce

[sixth_sense]

Dingo,

Thanks for inviting me!

Where u guys normally meet?
Dun know if it is a "good" or "bad" news to me this morning....my good friend saw her with "someone" else!!
sigh! me got used to it liao....feeling numb about the whole episode...seems it is better for me to get on w my own life and let her carry on w hers!

 

[xi lang kia]

sixth sense,

can u charge her for commiting adultery in this way?

 

[xi lang kia]

sixth sense,

seem like u r behaving too hao hao xian sen already, then she still like that, we guys cannot always be mr good men, sometime must be sucker, if not always kena bully, must shows our little bit of colour to them also...this is wat i learnt form ns time...

 

[strawberry78]

Hey guys - you see happy families ok, but me worse right? happy families but me with baby!! damn scared he would start asking questions abt his dad when older, already barney cartoons keep singing abt happy family.

Good thing is - my HB loves baby to bits, or so he claims...and so does his family, my family and me. So instead of one happy family, baby will have many happy families...

Say, if HB and me remarry sometime down the road, baby will have four parents!!! imagine, i dunno abt him but i'll find it rather cool. then again, i feel really bad for baby, its really not his fault that our marriage broke down but i think he's a smart and cool baby, so he'll be alright - my gut feel.

going to attend colleague wedding dinner tomorrow night...another big bash, whew!!

having hard time explaining to HB abt singapore divorce law - he's busy with his business in indonesia and claims doesn't have time to file divorce and wants me to do that and sell our yet TOP home, look after baby, work full-time...all at the same time...sucks, even superwoman needs a break sometimes...

no wonder my grandparents say never marry an ah-xia kia...ie. rich man son...see what's happening, can't handle stress, wants to be waited hand and foot, got pressure bolt away...sign.

think i need to see a psychologist someday - when can find time...only got 24 x 7 hours per week

this got to be the worst year of my life

 

[sixth_sense]

If I intend to do so, then I would have to hire a PI to take down the evidences...but like wat Dingo said, I ask myself if I'm ready to see the "evidences".
Honestly, I knew about it since she wanted to separate. For me, as long as we can amicably settled our separation, then i just want to move on with my life and that's about it.
In doing so, I just want to have nothing to do with her in the future and when the time comes for us to file for divorce...we will do it there n then.
No doubt I still hve feelings for her...but i know the importance of moving on w my life and not to be stuck behind.

 

[me_no_expert]

sixth sense..

I am in same predicament as you. It doesn't matter whether to get PI to track or not, the trust is no longer there. It will still lead to the same end result of separation and divorce. Just want to get over and done with amicably.

 

[sixth_sense]

Hi Husky boy,

U r right. I came to realise that my trust for her was not longer there anymore. Even when I go overseas, I no longer let her drive my car around...I asked myself why I won't do it..because I can trust her no more...

 

[dingo_beans]

After missing in action for two weeks, today wife finally called.

I asked "How's everything? I've been looking for you."
She said: "What for?"
I replied: "You know, I didn't hear anything from you and not sure about your decision if you want to sign those papers.."
She replied: "I've already signed everything. You never receive call from your lawyer meh?"
"Didn't", I replied.
"Then go ask your lawyer, don't ask me."

Hung up.

ok. Divorce confirmed. Sentence given.

*sob sob*

F E E L I N G D A M N...
B L U E M A N ! ! !

 

[sixth_sense]

i know how u r feeling cos i have been thru that too!
sometimes i just want to walk out completely of her life....see no evil..hear no evil.

 

[sixth_sense]

dingo..

if u need someone to talk..let me know!

 

[me_no_expert]

hey Dingo... sad to hear that... but I thought it might be a blessing in disguise since the issue has been hanging for so long..

Just give me a ring whenever you need to talk or have dinner...

 

[dingo_beans]

Thanks sixth sense, your offer meant a lot. *sniff* Found my grip back again, after wasted a bottle of vintaged wine.

Re your question:
Places that we meet varies. So far, from Toa Payoh Lorong 8, to Pasir Ris Fisherman village. From Yatch club to group's house.

I've sent you my mobile via yahoo yesterday.. Looking forward to meet you next time.

Another 2 more bottles to go for the nite.

 

[hi lo]

hi pple
i'm in the same boat too. husband left few months ago. may i join you at the next gathering? can anyone of you let me know the time and place pls? Thank you...

 

[mochamel]

hi all

any recomm for cheaper & reliable lawyers pls?
i married for only 3mths. fortuantely/unfortuantely i saw with my own eyes my HB holding hands and nice time with another gal. confronted him, and he admited it was started few mths b4 wedding!!
no $ now, made me pay most things.
he has the nice hse, while i moved back parents hm. i must be the stupiest person. now my hope of nice marriage / kid next time - all shattered!

 

[sixth_sense]

Hi Mocha,

Sorry to hear that!
But are things really that bad that u r considering divorce now?

 

[dingo_beans]

Hi Lo,
Next meeting will probably be on Friday evening, fisherman's village in Pasir Ris. Email me at dingo_beans @ yahoo.com and I'll give you my contact no. to confirm.

Mocha: Like what Sixth sense said, to err is human. Any possibility to reconcile? Have a good talk with him. If things really cannot work out, there's a lot of us here that can give you recommendations for legal proceedings.

 

[dingo_beans]

Question to fellow divorcees:

How do you answer questions re:
"Are you married?"
"Where is your wife/husband?"

Standard reply is of course: "I'm divorced".

"Oh.. I'm so sorry"...
and you reply "Nevermind."

This will somehow bring tension and embarrassment in the conversation. Any creative way of answering har? Care to share?

 

[sick&tired]

Hello everyone....

I am back after taking a short break... Don't ask me where, but the group should know.

Can see that more people gathering into our group.

sixth sense, your case kinda similar as mine lah. Given chances to her, whatever she has chosen, we gotta let her go and hope that she will find the real life of what marriage is..... WE GOTTA MOVE ON WITH OUR LIFE!

I always remind myself that if she comes back to me one day, my life will be miserable for the rest of my life... I will never going to accept her back anymore.

Dingo, BE HAPPY! YOU WILL BRING THOSE AROUND YOU HAPPY!

Husky boy, YOU ARE MOVING ON THE RIGHT TRACK!

Strawberry, YOU ARE GETTING STRONGER! GO ALL THE WAY!

All: Will soon meet up this week again! Take care and if you are feeling lonely, do remember to chat online or sms me!

 

[strawberry78]

Wah - looks like the group is getting more formed and there's girls now!! Ladies, pls attend k?

Would love to join in a few weeks time, need to settle some stuff these few weeks -

thanks sick&tired - when there's no way more to go down, there's only way to go up

)

since he's the one who choose to walk out - he'll be the one leaving with regret, no malice intended. because he's missing out on baby's milestones and all. plus he'll come to realize one day that i had really cared about him, not that i don't love him like he said. only time will tell.

been thinking - maybe we aren't compatible right from the start, its not only personality but understanding. i never cheated on him but did have guy friends at work, older ones and i realized that had i married someone more towards their mindset, this wouldn't have happened.

HB basically is running away from responsibility and stress. he's just not able to cope - my feeling is that in life, one has to be brave to weather ups and downs. for a parent to walk away from child/spouse when its is his/her own choice initially, is not only irresponsible but also shows a very weak character.

then how to succeed in the university of LIFE??

he doesn't understand how to cope with hardship, pressure mentally or think out of the box...

i hope i don't sound like i am being sour grapes but i really think so - despite it all, i already knew his character when i married him, so like i was saying, i married with a 50-50 mindset. i knew i cannot totally make him understand or feel totally secure with him but i did love him alot. if not why commit? But he disappointed me with this move - and even though i love him, i will never trust or feel secure with him again. My love for him is dying too. I hope I will be so in the near future - stuff the marry 10 years later thing, its not worth spending my life with this man anymore. I gave him my life and heart but he didn't take care of it, once mistake is enough.

Whew - enough of drama and long entry

Dingo - cheer up, you still need to lead the support group

Cheers to life after divorce for all!


ps: after seeing through HB, i hope and pray will never ever be taken in by charm again!!!

 

[1 & only]

Hi, may I be invited to your gatherings or online chat too?

 

[xi lang kia]

Dingo & all

get this group going & will join u all once i can my things settle...cheers

 

[1 & only]

 

[me_no_expert]

sick&tired - u are back. enjoyed urself? I cannot make it for the meetup for next few weeks.. going TIBET to do some thinking and get some inspiration.. maybe become a monk there.. =P

Dingo - different problem here. colleagues and friends scolded me for not asking them to go TIBET.. all were surprised when I told them I will be away for a month.. =P.. and I have not told them my situation..

Anyway.. last week was the last meal I had at my in-law's place.. tomorrow will probably be her last at my parent's place.. and then I will declare to those around me that we are no longer an item... maybe we have to start planning for CNY getaway... =)

 

[strawberry78]

Dingo - i have an italian boss in my company, he's a recently divorced 40-plus and when asked, he said:

"i am happily divorced, thank you"

and it works magic - but his story is complicating no doubt, so won't go into details here.

 

[strawberry78]

1 & only - that's a cute panda

like my BB!!!

 

[dingo_beans]

Hi all,

Other than the few lonely "regular" souls here, response to the "help group" thingie has honestly, been really luke warm. Though the group discussion has been helpful for me, frankly, I was really thinking of quiting this thread and forum for good.

That is.. till today.

Thanks to so many that have posted and your interest in joining the group today.. especially to those that are so concerned of me. Thank you.
Had a great conference chat with all this evening.. and it's really very very heart warming.

1 & only: Sorry to let you know but your request of invitation to join the group is hereby declined. As... nobody is required to request for invitation. All broken souls or listening ears are automatically invited. Just add me as contact in Yahoo Messenger and I'll hook u up with the rest of the group. (By the way.. any currently in the group willing to open up your email address here to hook up with others? Sick&tired, Sixth Sense, Husky_Boy, Hi Lo, Teh Talek and others?)

Si Lang Kia: Why wait la. Join us in online chat!

Strawberry: Again, I ain't leading the group. Me no such capabilities and professional training. So far there ain't leaders here. Me juz in dire situation looking for a listening ear. All fellow broken hearts. I am merely "facilitating" as "coordinator".

Looking at the divorce rates in SG.. I believe there should be many more similar souls around. I've been really DOWN (suicidal) before coming across this forum. It has helped me a lot and really think that we can make a difference to others as well (so goes to ourselves). This is a driving force for me.. and if you're passively reading this, please consider joining. If you don't feel comfortable meeting in person, join us online.

Try it. Feel the difference yourself.

 

[dingo_beans]

Hi all,

Upon request to change destination of meeting to town area. This week's meeting will be held instead at:

Rooftop of RiverBoat House, Fullerton Hotel.
Time: 8.30pm.

I'll make reservations and all are welcome. First round of drinks on me.

If you're driving, park at fullerton hotel. Else, take MRT to Raffles City and walk towards Andersen bridge. Place is at building next to "old merlion park". Call me if you ain't sure (email me for my mobile no.)

p/s. Though food is available, recommend to take dinner beforehand.

 

[xi lang kia]

hi Dingo

once again can let me know your online chat address? last time try to connect but fail...now lost track liao..paiseh

 

[mochamel]

Hi Dingo & Sixth_Sense

How to talk things over when all the trust is gone? I live in agony/fear before i moved back home cos he did slapped & grabbed my limbs till all bruised. I gave him chances for many other very hurting actions. Really need recommendations on cheaper & reliable lawyer.
Dont mind pls email me at [email protected]
I am sad but i know life must go on. Let this be a costly lesson to pay.

 

[dingo_beans]

Hi Xi Lang Kia:
AusNet's IRC chat is quite unstable especially when loading is high. So now we chat using Yahoo conference instead. Step:
1. Install Yahoo Messenger.
2. Add me as contact (dingo_Beans @ yahoo.com) and I'll lead you to the rest of the group. We'd probably be e-meeting again tonight.

Mocha: I'll send contact for my lawyer to you. Her rates are cheapest for the few that I searched. 2.1K inclusive of stamp fees for a simple uncontested petition with 1 HDB matrimonial property and no kids. You might want to consider joining us in yahoo this evening to discuss this and other matters with the group.

All: My contacts might not be the best, Care to share your legal fees as well?

Mocha: You might want to request Chin Leng to add a "space" between the @ sign in your posting of email address to prevent any crawler from capturing your address and send you spam mails.

 

[xiao xing]

HI GALS N GUYS,
SORRY, I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE IN THIS THREAD ASKING THE QUESTION, BUT I REALLY DON KNOW HOW TO DO IT..,
I'M A DIVORCEE, AND GOING TO RE-MARRY NEXT YEAR, BUT I FOUND OUT THAT I MISPLACED MINE DIVORCE CERT, COS I KNOW THAT I NEED TO SHOW MINE CERT, BEFORE I CAN RE-MARRY AGAIN. DO U GUYS KNOW WHERE CAN I PRINT OUT ONE? I CAN'T LOOK FOR MINE EX HUBBY TO GET IT, COS WE ARE IN VERY SOUR TERM, SO DON THINK HE CAN HELPS ME.

SO PLEASE, IF ANYONE HERE KNOW, CAN GIVE ME ADVICE? THANK YOU.

 

[strawberry78]

Xiao Xing - u r v funny, call registrar to reprint?

 

[babu]

STRAWBERRY,
DON THINK THEY CAN PROVIDE THAT KIND OF SERVICE LAH, ERRR.. COS I REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I SAW IT, WHERE THEY SEND TO ME BY POST, IS FROM THE LAWYER, BUT I MISPLACED EVERYTHING, I DON EVER KNOW WHO'S MINE LAWYER.

 

[babu]

OOP.. SORRY, I'M USING MINE AUNTY PASSWORD. SHE GOING TO SCOLD ME!! I DIE!!

 

[strawberry78]

u got 2b kidding! dun worrie cos govt got records, let ROM track it down themselves, or try calling your lawyer to help. no problem, piece of paper no big deal. most impt - is happiness.

glad u found yours

if dun mind - can share your story?

 

[xiao xing]

SORRY, I MUST HAVE CONFUSED YOU, I USING MINE AUNTY LAPTOP TO POST QUESTION COS I AM A GUEST AT HER HOUSE NOW, I DON STAY IN SG, AND I DIDN'T KNOW SHE SAVE THE PASSWORD. SHE'S GOING TO KILL ME!
ANYWAY, THANKS FOR THE ADVICE.
MY STORY? VERY SIMPLE, CAUGHT RED HANDED IN BED WITH GIRLS, I KNOW SOUNDED DRAMA, BUT IT TRUE. THAT WHY VERY SOUR TERM, BUT IT OK, I'M VERY HAPPY NOW.
ARE YOU BORN IN 1978? COS I MARRIED VERY YOUNG, BY THE AGE OF 19...

 

[babu]

u tannish mi name liao!!

 

[strawberry78]

xiao xing - in bed with girls??? u girl or boy? yeah i 78 year - horse...drama lives ;(

dingo - pahsieh i dunno how to get the messenger thing going...sign, me tech idiot

see all the divorce group ppl on friday!

going to sleep liao - got to wake up early 2 wk...

 

[sick&tired]

Nice chat! Seem like so many soulmates joining this Friday evening cocktails.

Will see all on Friday. Take good care and stay cool and happy!

 

[1 & only]

Hi Hi! Thanks! I try to make it on friday, if not, I will set up yahoo messenger and online chat with you all! Thx!

 

[dingo_beans]

Had great fun last night. It felt more like pasa malam than "help-group". Haha..
So crowded, so noisy. Thank you for your support and hope you had as much fun as I did!

There's something that's in my mind for awhile and would like to share with you here:

Separation period though is painful, but I felt there's a reason for it.

Quoting my personal experience. My wife's bf started off as a good frend of her's. He started off by offering listening ear to our problems. Overtime and without them knowing, the sympathy transformed into love. Even though there MIGHT be any slightest chance for us to mend our relationships, his presence and helping hand acts as a floating buoy in a wild sea leading her away.

Learning from my experience, one can very easily becomes a 3rd party without himself knowing that he is stepping into one. (I can understand where my wife's bf coming from and we even had quiet talk between me and him). For the SLIGHTEST possibility of recovery (though the couples might not see it now), nobody intentionally or unintentionally should be an excuse or catalist to induce the couple to divorce or deprieve them any chance of recovery.

I also learnt that when a relationship is formed. It is like two balls fused together. When the bond is broken, a certain part of character, emotions, activities, financial and other dependencies are lost together (shape just like an eclipsed moon). It is very normal for all to seek an immediate remedy to fill this void. However, I've learnt that it is better to grow on yourself and be emotionally independent before seeking for another relationship. I hope you agree with me that one should not fill this emptiness hastily as well as taking advantage of others vulnerability.

Pls understand that this note is not directed PARTICULARLY to anyone (and without thinking of any in specific) in the group. I was just thinking ahead of time before any "chemistry" or "sparks" forming. (Also serve as a self reminder to me.. 8-P)

While I might be overly sensitive here, but as far as we can, I would propose that the support should always be given as a group basis. I know I certainly do not have any rights to dictate or control. But my point here is to share my concern and if possible actively remind ourselves of the above.

We work as a group. listen like in lecture and support like a net.

To others who are there listening and not in our group yet, hopefully this will give you assurance that this is not a dating club!
Our intention to help, to listen and be listened is genuine.

Come join or tell your friends about us!

 

[dingo_beans]

To make the group more interesting and constructive, I'm thinking of inviting some matrimonial lawyers, psychiatrist, marriage councilors, social workers, pastors (sure low attendance.. haha) as future guest of the week. I've some personal contacts that I can try on. But do you have anyone in mind that you think would like to help?

A lot of questions that we hear are similar. It would be good if we can consolidate these FAQ, relevant contact info or good article links into a simple web page. Currently ain't find any good ones specific to Singaporean needs. Are you good in web page design?

In addition, I'm also contacting some overseas divorcee help-group to find out materials, guidelines or references they have in organizing such activities. I ain't no professional and will need help on this.

I know we are all busy.. please let me know if in any capacity you think you can help.
email me: dingo_beans @ yahoo.com

 

[babysummer]

Hi, anyone can help me? my friend's date to make the decree nisi absolute is on the 9th Aug 2004. Does that means she can get the documents immediately on that day>? If not how long does she have to wait? Thank you

 

[xiao xing]

BABY,
NO, U WON'T TAKE THE DOCUMENTS IMMEDIATELY. SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW LONG I WAITED TO GET THE WHOLE DOCUMENTS (BCOS I DON REALLY EGER TO HAVE IT ANYWAY)
BUT U HAVE TO ASK UR FRIEND'S, IS SHE A PETITIONER OR RESPONDENT? BCOS IF SHE IS A RESPONDENT, SHE WILL HAVE TO ASK FROM THE LAWYER'S, ELSE THEY WON'T POST IT TO HER. THEY'LL POST ALL THE DOC TO PETITIONER.

I JUST LEARNT ALL THIS YESTERDAY ONLY, I LOST ALL MINE DIVORCE CERT, AND I AM GOING TO RE MARRY ON MARCH 2005, AND I NEED TO SHOW ALL THE DOC BEFORE ROM. SO WENT DOWN TO FAMILY COURT YESTERDAY AND PRINT OUT.

HOPE THIS HELP, COS I DIVORCE QUITE SOMETIME AGO, SO DON'T KNOW DID THEY CHANGE THE SYSTEM.

 

[xiao xing]

HI STRAWBERRY,

JUST FOR YOUR INFORMATION.
I WENT DOWN TO ROM YESTERDAY, DO AS YOU SAY, ASK THEM IF THEY HAVE MINE RECORDS ON MINE DIVORCE CASE. THEY SAY THEY ONLY HANDLE MARRIAGE CASE NOT DIVORCE, SO IF I WANT TO RE PRINT OUT THE DOC, I HAVE TO GO EITHER MINE LAWYER OR HIGH COURT, AS I MENTIONED, I LOST ALL MINE DOC, DON EVEN KNOW WHO'S MINE LAWYER. SO WENT DOWN TO FAMILY COURT, AND PRINT OUT THE DOC, CAN ONLY COLLECT IT TWO WEEKS LATER.

BY THE WAY, I AM GOING BACK TO ENGLAND AND PACK ALL MINE THINGS FROM MINE EX-HUSBAND, SO SHALL JOIN THE MEMBER HERE WHEN I RETURN, AND LOOKING FOR A HOUSE WITH MINE NEW HUSBAND TO SETTLE DOWN.

NICE TO KNOW YOU. CHAT WITH YOU SOON AND WISH ME LUCK.

 

[chinleng]

Hi Xiao Xing,

You may like to post your messages in lower case instead of all in upper case. In net practice, message in all upper case is actually "shouting" in reality. It would more proper to have your messages all in upper case. Thanks.

Regards,
Chin Leng.

 

[xiao xing]

HI CHIN LENG,

SORRY CHIN LENG, I AM VERY NEW IN THIS FORUM, I DON GET WHAT YOU MEAN?
I AM JUST A PASSES BY, SO I THOUGHT SHARING MINE INFORMATION WITH THOSE MIGHT NEED IT IN FUTURE. DID I SAY SOME THINGS WRONG? IF I DID, I AM SORRY.
NEVER STAY IN SG FOR LONG TIME, GOING AWAY AGAIN, I ONLY BE BACK IN NEXT YEAR. I'LL JOIN THE MEMBER WHEN I AM BACK (THAT PROVIDED I GET MY OWN PC)

THANKS.

 

[xiao xing]

Oh, i know what you mean already. sorry mine habit can't change in short time.
is this better now?

thanks and sorry.

 

[crazycar]

hi all,

new to this forum. soon i'll join the single club again.

my story? happily married for 7 years. no kids. wife suddenly behaved weirdly. wife suddenly asked for separation/divorce. sounds familiar, doesn't it?

one thing to share with all. me and my wife is preparing to sign the deed of separtion. during this period, even if my wife has sexual relationship with someone else, i cannot sue her for adultery because i have agreed to separate with her and not interfere with her life. this is what the lawyer told me.

 

[1 & only]

Hi, any chat session tonite?