Support group - Divorce

[la_la]

hi enen,

sorry to hear abt that. You have tried your best and a marriage takes two hands to clap. Sometimes, letting go is better than holding on to something.

I understand the physical and mental stress you r having now. The most crucial thing now is to find someone close to confide and support u.

I assume u r going to live with your parents right, u have to break the news to them asap. And for ur in law side, it would be better get ur hb to tell them.

As for the legal procedures, u can try to get an annulment.

take care, enen

 

[enen]

what's the different between annulment and divorce? i dunno if we can get annulment cos we're living together alreadi and went thru ROM and church wedding, everything.

woke up today, hoping he'll be able to give it another shot, but i dunno.

i dunno to let go or not. and i dunno when to break the news to my parents. my MIL will be very very disappointed and i'm quite worried for her.

as of myself, i noe i need my family support. now is the absolutely lonely period.

 

[enen]

what's the different between annulment and divorce? i dunno if we can get annulment cos we're living together alreadi and went thru ROM and church wedding, everything.

woke up today, hoping he'll be able to give it another shot, but i dunno.

i dunno to let go or not. and i dunno when to break the news to my parents. my MIL will be very very disappointed and i'm quite worried for her.

as of myself, i noe i need my family support. now is the absolutely lonely period.

 

[la_la]

hi enen..

hug hugs for u...

oops sorry , i tot u have not gone thr customary/church wedding. Your case, maybe annulment may not apply.

i understand, when i found out my hb affair, i also wanted a divorce very firmly. But on & off, will think of why he din give it another try . am i so worthless? all this are part of our emotions.

even now we are trying to work out the marriage, sometimes i will also think of y din i choose to give up?

maybe both of u cool down for a period. At this point of time, cant think logically.

 

[la_la]

hi enen..

hug hugs for u...

oops sorry , i tot u have not gone thr customary/church wedding. Your case, maybe annulment may not apply.

i understand, when i found out my hb affair, i also wanted a divorce very firmly. But on & off, will think of why he din give it another try . am i so worthless? all this are part of our emotions.

even now we are trying to work out the marriage, sometimes i will also think of y din i choose to give up?

maybe both of u cool down for a period. At this point of time, cant think logically.

 

[enen]

hi lala,

thanx... i've read your story in this forum. very happy that both of you are trying to work out your marriage. hope it's going well for you.

had lunch with my sister and talked abt this matter. it's very comforting to know your family supports you. i agree with the cooling down period. all i pray now is for him to give this marriage another shot. hav to admit i'm an impatient person, hence this is a trying time for me to learn to wait.

 

[enen]

i've arranged to go for counselling... alone. hope this will help with the situation.

pray tat he'll be open to counselling too... sigh

 

[vivlim]

Hi everybody,

guess no1 is in as bad shape as me tho, after reading all threads. i lost everything - love, health, savings, career, maybe my own children soon ...

6 yrs of marriage with 3 kids at 6, 4, and 2. i accepted his proposal w no ring, when he is penniless with debts after 6 mths of knowing each other. he was 27 and i was 19 then. moreover he was a light gambler and an alcoholic then. thinking he could improve after marriage and birth of children, i closed both eyes on his bad habits out of my deep love for him, only to turn out worse than i can ever imagined. i got into depression soon after our marriage when i was pregnant with our 1st child. he spent no time with me but with friends, as compared to before marriage. in-laws dun like me either after i moved in stay with them, only accept me because i m pregnant with their grandchild. my depression got worst throughout my marriage, causing me to shoplift and in n out of police stations every year, till it became prison twice last year. basically, shoplift was caused by his no money for children's necessities, he gambled every cent of his salary and even owe debts when i was jobless. even when i held a job, what i earned was forced to fork out clearing his debts and fund his gambling activities, maintaining the entire household. we have engaged in numerous quarrels and fights throughout our marriage due to money issue, but i refrain from divorce as i wan the children to have a complete family.

it was after my release that i discovered his changed attitude and behaviour. checked on his hp and found photos of him with another woman and his often midnight chats/SMSes with her when i alseep. as usual, he denied when i confronted. 1 night i discovered their SMS affectionately addressing each other, i can no longer tolerate and took many sleeping pills and ended up in hospital. after discharge, i moved back to parent's plc and decided to file for divorce but filed for maintenance 1st upon lawyer's advice. he got mad and restrict me from visiting my children or bring them back to stay with me. i decided to get my children back and decided not to inform him and go directly to my matrimonial flat to fetch them with my relatives. unfortunately my MIL assaulted me to stop me from fetching my children, i retaliated but only managed to bring my elder two while the youngest one is still in MIL hands. they are conservative and said i can leave this flat but i m not allowed to bring the kids with me as they follow his surname n belongs to them. when i moved out and refused to hand over my keys, he changed all the locks of my matrimonial flat to prevent my access.

i in the midst of divorce now, the ugliest nightmare in my life tat never seems to end. even if it ends, wat begins is an uncertain future. i m only 26 this year, yet i had to face so much miseries. it is hard to find any1 who can understand wat i gone thru, not even my family and friends. i never saw my youngest child for almost 5 mths now, while he get to see my kids at childcare center as and when he wants to. i believe with my background, it is mission impossible to hope for a second marriage, i lost the rights to talk about career and have to visit my psychiatrist regularly to cure my mental health. my heart is full of hatred rather than love, as i had lost almost everything bcos of believing faithful in love. i had lost friendship after having to concentrate on family life.

what i envied all of you is, at the very least, all of u just lost a partner not everything and can recover, move on with life easily. u can start life anew while i have to struggle on with a deep scar in me. he is making my divorce a difficult 1, just to want me regret leaving him. he refused to pay me maintenance and want to buy my share of matrimonial flat and pay me back only wat i had paid. he is also trying to take away the last that i left with now, my 3 children, as i had sterilized myself after birth of my 3rd child. with my background, lawyers have no guarantee i can get custody of my children bcos of my prison and depression background. he has a stable full time job while bcos of my records, i only hold a part time job. background compared, my family are much well off then his tho.

having no confidence in anything now, i can only pray that i survive through all this and my life motivators, my children, can be by my side eventually...

 

[strawberry78]

vivlim
i was seething with anger today because my two year old boy been saying weird stuff like "forget grandma" (my mom) or "mom cannot come" (me) after I allowed my ex-MIL to come into contact with him for three days when they visit.

i truly believed my marriage cracked up because of IN LAWS - yup, totally evil in the sense that by breaking up my family, the MIL and FIL are no better than any of the home wreckers around. Except instead of being cloaked in the guise of sexuality (usually in the case of third parties) - they come in praying religiously in the eyes of men but minds completely ill intent.

that - is even more dangerous than the outrightly bad. because evil is guised in a smile.

OK - so i was grumbling because for some women, pregnancy can really take a toll on your health. not so much the direct effects of child bearing but the strenous efforts, time and energy in child rearing. especially since my separated HB was "lured" by the parents in laws to his home country when BB is 6 mths. and the rest is history...

BB is now 2 yrs and i have moved on completely - i find it hard to ever forget what he did. by succumbing to MIL and FIL intentions and ignoring my pleas and situation.

even to the point of even quarreling with me when BB was hospitalized -

worried sick and still had to cope with a "mentally and emotionally" mislead HB...

==========

long story short - vivlim - though my case is not as serious. i think you still have hope.

1.
stay calm and think. ask yourself -

Do you want all THREE kids?
Like you mention, you have not seen your youngest for 5 months -

During the 5 months was he/she well taken care of? Happy? if so, then you might want to consider taking a partial draw.

ie. your HB taking custody of the youngest and you the first two.

2.
Financially - can you afford to give all three kids a good life if you get custody?

Don't worry, if the court decides to let you have custody, your HB will have to pay child support and his income will be assessed by court.

You will have the backing of family court. it also will show whether he is magnanimous enough to put aside his differences and provide for his kids.

3.
You still have your family and yourself.

How can it be over until you yourself think so? Often, the battle is predetermined in our minds. if we think we will fail, most likely we might.

But if we forge ahead with hope, there is always a glimmer of hope -

You are only 26, give and take a couple of years, you will have decades ahead of you.

Don't waste it being upset -

Make full use of it by taking control of your life today and now!

Finally, be calm, don't show fear. Ok, (sorry guys but I realized.

Through my dealings with my ex-HB, some men at work, the ego thing only works for bullies when they sense fear.

It gives them encouragement to continue because they see you are scared and afraid to lose.

Once you overcome the "FEAR FACTOR" so to speak, and have nothing to fear or lose but fear itself (quote teddy roosevelt), victory is yours.

Better still, if you have a religion or belief to back your spiritual up, it gives you strength and peace of mind. Also exercise program - this I admit, is still not my strong suit yet.

But like preparing for battle, you have only lost the battle because we were not prepared -

Not prepared because we were young when we married them -

Not prepared because we were naive and believed in love -

Not prepared because MIL and FIL have eaten "more salt than we have eaten rice" - "ginger is hotter when older"

Not prepared because we are unable to think rationally because of the kid(s) involved -

So the key now is - to BE PREPARED (i remembered long time ago in girl guides it was told...)

=====

So, we need to be prepared for what's ahead, stay calm and be strategic.

Sometimes we cannot have it all but do know what you want so you can drop the fear -

Like technically, MIL/FIL were my nightmares, so figuratively, i don't stand much of a chance if they come for my HB (because they were the ones who brought him up, they will know which hot buttons to press to convince him) -

So i told myself, HB or son -

Of course, the answer was needless, I would give up HB anyday anytime to keep my son -

I weighed my pros and cons - my chances of gaining custody of my son is almost much stronger anyday. because i had taken care of all his needs and am the stronger provider, financially, physically and track record - proven to be more emotionally stable and steadfast compared to my ex.

So technically, I shouldn't worry so much. Just focused on my son and life now -

Though am always distracted and worry needlessly when MIL start to wayang around again. its a distraction that i should learn to cope and contain. Though I still support my son interaction with his dad (within safe and reasonable conditions) because its only fair not to put the kid in the middle of the struggle.

Am disappointed MIL (at her age and pious exterior) still does not truly understand this.

Sorry long posting - need to vent.

viv - take care and God bless you.

 

[soonalone, now alone but not lonely!]

vivlim,

Your writing urged me to reply because I could feel the motherly love in your writing.

I supposed many of us, including myself, are using children as a weapon against our ex-spouse. It's understandable because we lost everything and we are holding what we have now so tightly. I'm constantly reminding myself that my boy is innocent. No matter what, my ex is still his father and I'm his mother. That's fact and can't be changed.

The court decides who gets the custody of the children in view of who can best provide for the children. I remember what my dad told me when I was deciding for the custody of my boy that it is also not a bad thing if my ex got the custody because anyway he is educated and his parents are both retired. They would have more time to provide better care for my boy. On the other hand, if I got the custody, the boy is going to go thru all the hardship with me spending most of his time in childcare and even helping me to clean up the house because I'm working full-time with no other help.

The party got the custody has no right of preventing the other party from seeing the children. Arrangement could be made and that should be made clear at the court. And I supposed the arrangement could be changed when time passed.

I would urge you to seek help from the professional bodies. There are many of them. HELP (Help Every Lone Parent) Tel: 6457 5188, could be one of them which they provide support program for the single parent and children.

Everyone makes mistake. Please forget about the past and restart your life afresh. You are still young. Be strong. You are the one only who can help yourself. Your children need you. Your children will grow up as a reflection of yourself. They will be so proud of telling others that their mother once fell, but stood up bravely.

 

[strawberry78]

vivlim - ignore my long post but i agree with soonalone, it does make sense to figure out what is the best agreement for your kids (outside of a complete family under one roof, that's usually the best case...)

however, you are successful in your own right, 3 kids to boot.

for me, one kid and i am already done. imagine the backaches and strains etc...even post pregnancy, i don't feel as strong as i did before. especially the c-section, took me a long while before full recovery.

i can't imagine those who had several kids by natural means - its really admirable!!

this, is something the men and non-mothers (sorry folks) might not relate to completely

but well - all's not lost. you are still young and honestly, three's good enough. unless you want a 4th kid, there's always adoption or step kids. or you can be a god mom!

the option is really open, don't lock yourself in

)

 

[enen]

what is marriage? does it consist only love (the feeling of love)? when that feeling is gone, do you get out of marriage just like that?

i believe there's much more in marriage than just the feeling of love, yet he doesn't see it. i noe what i want in this marriage and what i should do. but how to make him see some sense? cos all the answers he gave me are illogical, non-sensible. whatever i says now are just being turned to deaf ear. all i could do now is being there for him and pray, for i do not know how much longer i can take before breaking down...

 

[enen]

what is marriage? does it consist only love (the feeling of love)? when that feeling is gone, do you get out of marriage just like that?

i believe there's much more in marriage than just the feeling of love, yet he doesn't see it. i noe what i want in this marriage and what i should do. but how to make him see some sense? cos all the answers he gave me are illogical, non-sensible. whatever i says now are just being turned to deaf ear. all i could do now is being there for him and pray, for i do not know how much longer i can take before breaking down...

 

[enen]

oops, sorry for double post.

 

[dingo_beans]

Enen,
Didn't hear from you. Hope things are doing ok with you.

Marriage life is not easy. But being together for 8 years ain't easy either. Hope things can work out between you both. God bless.

 

[enen]

hi dingo,

didn't post for sometime cos wsn't up to it. hav been struggling and praying for the past week. his attitude towards me had changed from polite to cold shoulder. practically ignoring me whole of last nite. he's very bent on leaving, even asked why am i so insistent of holding on.

if this happens during courtship, i would hav comply to his wishes. but now that we are married, it's a whole different situation.

i'm hoping for a happy ending... guess hav to work hard on it.

 

[dingo_beans]

Enen,

Why is he so bent on leaving? Simply... "incompatibility"?
Share my story..
I've been with my wife 8 years before finally decided to get married. Though there are a lot of differences in activities we enjoyed and even values in life, we managed to find common hobbies and activities to share. What I believe is.. each individual is different. Some plus points here, but there's definitely some minus on the other. God is fair. Looking for partner ain't about filling up a checklist. Since we've been together for so long, getting accustomed to each other, we should get married, with hands held and walk the rest of our lives together.

We took the path of holding on to the relationship and not to leave despite our differences.. Unfortunately, our marriage still fell apart. Was it because of the character differences that we ignored and insisted? Partly.. perhaps. Don't think my story comes as a positive example for striving on a marriage with differences in character.. But despite the wounds and pains, I still believe in the decision I made and the journey is still well worth, coz..

I tried all that I can and I didn't let go.
I've no regrets

 

[dingo_beans]

Enen,

Several are going through similar predicament and they have contacted me recently. In my opinion, nothing beats sharing with those in similar situation. With the mutual understanding and sharing of compassion, I found that most therapeutic. Let me know if you want to join in the Messenger chat. Email Simpleman at terminator33sg @ yahoo.com or myself in Dingo_Beans @ yahoo.com and we'll lead you in.

Take care.

 

[ann_1980]

hi all

need some advice here:
a close GF of mine (not Sporean) is divorcing her husband, they r serving e separation which will result in divorce settlement end of the year. Reason for divorce is that her husband no longer love her and is seeing another woman. They agree to e divorce mutually and thus no contest. However, during the separation, my GF is pregnant with another man's baby recently. She wants to keep e bb. Will this affect her divorce settlement? Can she request to speed up e divorce. She's confused and so am I. Any advice?

 

[dingo_beans]

Ann:

Unless husband change his mind and want to contest now, I think there should not be any complications. (Btw, your friend need not attend court if he would to petite for divorce)

Are there any DOS signed? That will make things simpler.

But me not lawyer, will need to check before I can confirm. Let you know if otherwise.

Dingo

 

[shattered]

Hi Dingo,

i've just emailed u to add me in MSN. I'm breaking down, pls help!

 

[apple0401]

Hi Dingo and all,

Would like to share on my progress.. My husband and I have started our counselling sessions, attended 2 so far for the past 3 weeks. While we are sorting out our issues, he is still with the third party. The plan was for him to slowly manage her out.

Though we have started our counselling, I personally don't feel motivated or encouraged to look forward to our future. While we both agreed that we want to work on our marriage and have a happy marriage at the end of the day, I am not seeing or feeling his sincerity. I sometimes even feel that he could be just playing with me, to satisfy my need to go for counselling and to ditch me when the chance comes and just say that the counselling is a failure.

I really cannot reconcile the thinking of him, men in general. If he is set on wanting our marriage and wants to work things out, he should be considerate and taken care of my feelings in his actions. But, I am not seeing or feeling it. While I have moved back home, he refused to sleep in the same room. He will always be busy sms communicating with her while resting and watching TV, in my presence. He would, however be playing with our son, enjoying his company and ignoring me totally. How do I interpret such a man? Does this show that he wants me? I am really in doubt. They are constantly in contact. He would be reporting to her his movements with me and my son.

I don't know how long I can take this type of mental and emotional stress. While we can agree that the end goal (of managing her out and have a happy marriage), I am very disturbed with the interim process. I am really feeling very stressed and burnt out. I am not sure whether I should hang on or not.

 

[la la la]

HI Apple..

i can understand, it is so difficult for u. At one time, i also reconciled with my hb and at the same time, they have not broken off yet. I can say that at that point of time, i really went crazy when i am alone or when i know he is with her.

I cannot stand it anymore and gave them the go-ahead and i chose to step out. I became much much more happy.

Did ur counsellor know abt that? and wat is his/her advice to you? Personally, i feel that the more both of them continue with the relationship, the harder will it be to break off.In the end, there will be more pain for all.

Did your hb tell u how long will he need to "manage" her?

Your hb refused to get close to you, maybe he feels guilty towards you? or another reason which is very harsh , maybe he wants u to "back out" automatically.

As to whether u should hang on or not,
u should weigh ur pros and cons. For some, they choose to stay on cos of kids/financial/status. And of cos ur own health. For me, i developed into self inflicting hurt on myself and it is an alarm to tell me to leave and move on.

Ask: will u be happier alone or happier in the love triangle tussle?

u might feel "guilty" of not trying before giving up the marriage. I used to think so. But looking back, the other party is still enjoying the best of both world and not putting in effort, irregardless of how much effort we put in, it is never enough to bring the man back to our side.

Its better to let go than to involve in a tug of war.

 

[apple0401]

Yes, la la la. thanks for your response. I badly need some company.

I am going crazy. Counsellor knows and we are told to do our own part. Me, supporting him and improving myself. He will focus on reducing the frequency of meeting her,, managing her out and at the same time, has to work on us. Her advice, was to concentrate on my role and wait patiently. She said he will understand my efforts and hurt. He will ultimately be determined to break off with her since he has decided that his wife is the one he wants. I tried to psycho myself but it is really really very painful to be trying alone.

He has no deadline which I find hard to understand and look forward to. It is like waiting with no goal in mind. It is really very terrible. I agree with you on the more they are together, the more difficult it is to break.

The part on getting close to me, I think very strongly that he wants me to back out automatically, then, he will be free to do what he wants by quoting that I am the one who give up.

Previously, I think I must stay on for the sake of my son. I must try as long as I can for his sake. But, as I go through this process, I am really really very sad and disappointed with hubby and keep asking myself, is it worth to stay with a man who may not be loving me anymore? why am I doing this one-sided? will he ever love me again like before, after she is gone?

 

[apple0401]

Thanks, la la la for your response. I really need company and sharing..

I am going crazy. Counsellor knows about it. She has advised that we both do our part. I, supporting him and improving myself. He, managing her out and working on us also. I have to focus and concentrate on my role in supporting him. She said that he will understand my efforts and hurt that I experienced and will be determined to break off with her ultimately if his choice is his wife. I have tried very hard to psycho myself but it is really very very painful for me.

He has no timeline in mind. To me, it is very difficult to work on something with no goal and deadline to it. I am just waiting and waiting. I will break down and burst.

The part about getting close to me, I think very strongly that he is just playing along with me.. and to make me back out automatically so that he has the freedom later to do whatever he wants and claims that it is me who gives up.

Previously, I want to try and save our marriage primarily for our son (only 1.5 years old) and because I still love him. But, now, I keep asking myself, is it worth doing all this for this man? this man may not be loving me anymore judging from his actions. Will he ever love me like before, when he breaks with the girl? Should I hang on? What is enough?

 

[apple0401]

Sorry for double posting. Even the system is playing me... ha ha..

 

[la la la]

HI apple

if u need a listening yr. pls email me [email protected]

i can understand the need for accompany. it is tough to face the problem alone. We are here to lend each other support.

but if ur hb is trying to distant from her, y must he report his movements to her? Maybe u can tell ur hb not to call her or sms her in front of you to minimise ur pain? And did u ask him y he din set a timeline?

Indeed, giving and giving without any returns is very tiring. For me, i took a very bold step. I set him free and it is up to him whether he will come back to me wholeheartedly. This also enable us to think more clearly and for me to handle my own emotions once i am out of the triangle. But must be prepared that he might be gone.

 

[apple0401]

la la la,

That's precisely why I don't understand his actions. He said that he already felt bad towards her and wants to minimise hurt to her. Hence, have to manage her very carefully. He is scared that she will kill herself. I did tell him to consider my feelings and not do it in front of me. He threw back his argument to me, saying that he thinks that he is open and does not want to hide secretly to communicate with her. Would I feel better if he hid in the room or go outside of house to communicate with her? I don't know and really in a dilemna.

About the timeline, he said he is not sure. He does not know how much time is needed to successfully manage her out. He rather let his actions (managing her out) show me his commitment over time.

I am really tempted and constantly thinking and thinking about what I should do. What is the best for me and our son? I definitely can see and feel that he needs our son. I don't know how long I must wait and how long he takes.

 

[dingo_beans]

Hi Apple,

Sharing my storing again.

I had been pleading her to go for counseling, but she repeatedly turned me down. I was pleading her to go, at least as an effort that we’ve “tried”. At least when this marriage became irrevocable, we can walk out clean without guilt of not trying. At least, if we divorce, her conscious can be clear and guilt is free allowing her to walk out for the rest of her life??


I am glad that you’re going through counseling sessions. But sadly, he’s still SMSing her openly? Perhaps the “addiction” is really so strong, but sorry to say, so much about “managing the 3rd party out” ?

I’ve learnt that for similar actions, there are two sides to a coin. Was he going through the counseling in running through the drills to reconcile? That “We’ve both tried, and nothing can be salvaged. So I can go with my conscious, in clear??” or “I really love her, n I wanna try things out?” Know this could be painful, but just another insights pointing the obvious that you’ve probably thought so yourself.

Take care.

 

[la la la]

hi apple

personally,i also went thr the phrase whereby my hb feel bad towards the other party and want to do things to minimise her hurt. I was also very sad but i cant force him to stop doing wat he thinks is right for the other party. For me, the next best solution is to leave. Since he is not available to help me heal, i leave so that i dont inflict more pain and i can do some self healing.

sorry...to be cont... now busy

 

[la la la]

hi apple

regarding the addiction..

i found one article :http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

 

[not_so_easy]

hi apple

i somehow felt that he must STOP CONTACT COMPLETELY with the OW....this is an act of sincerity on his part....how could he expect you to trust him that he indeed is putting effort in salvaging when he has to ensure that the OW is fine thru contact daily more than putting his action into assuring you his effort instead.

tell yourself how much time you can allow him to behave like this....unless you are really acceptable ...let him know that if he think it is his way to do it he too must oblige not to do it while at home and when you are with him....what's is he proving/driving at being open in this manner?

 

[apple0401]

Thanks, Dingo, la la la and isis (not so easy).

I went into the counselling programme with a lot of hope and thinking that he really wants to work things out with me. As I see more and more of his hurting and indifferent actions, it suddenly dawned on me on one of the lonely nights I have that; hey this guy could be playing along with me.. he is just going through the process to prove that nothing can be salvaged and for him to choose her with clear conscience or for me to step out automatically.

It was scary when I realised it. And I asked him to share his goal for the counselling. He replied that he wants to work things out and it is the truth. At the last counselling session, we went into this issue again, our determination to salvage the marriage. He openly declared to the counsellor that he is very determined (rating of 10 out of 10) to work things out. As I am hurt and beginning to feel discouraged, I am not as determined as before when I first started. I only gave a rating of 9. I don't know whether it is the truth. Some would say we should give him the benefit of doubt. I really don't know how I should understand man.

La la, the article is quite useful and provides some insights.

isit(not so easy), What does OW stand for? I really don't know how long I can take it. I told myself, give myself 2 more weeks till the next counselling session AND I need to DECIDE. I must. I really need the strength and impetus to do it which I currently lack.

 

[enen]

hi all,

hav not post lately cos i'm quite confused. got to the root of our problem, with help frm our friends. i've to admit i'm at fault too. now i'm afraid he's not willing to give a 2nd chance, though i'm working on it.

dingo, i do not use yahoo messenger. are you on msn? just emailed u.

 

[dingo_beans]

Shattered,
Hope yesterday's conversation helped to find some peace momentarily.
However through own experience, I know that with time, the troubles and stress will start rolling back in. When that happens, perhaps recall our conversation might helps? and remember it's never too "ashamed" to ask favours from God.
Have faith in Him.

Take care, ya..

 

[la la la]

Apple,

for me, i would like to see actions instead of hearing honeyed words.

for me, i set a "limit of tolerance", if something exceeds the limit, i will ask myself again: since my hb knows my limits and still exceed, is it worth for me to salvage ?

 

[soonalone]

Hi Apple,

My ex was the one who arranged for the counselling. However, the counsellor found that we viewed our problem very differently. During the sessions, we seemed to be able to reconcile, however, after the sessions, things were back to the normal.

So, it needs both hand to clap and both sincerely want to salvage the relationship. And it's long-term, not just a few counselling would solve the problem.

I would think both of you need a timeout. Tell your husband you are taking your child and be away for a period of time and be back. Tell him to use this time for both of you to think what both of you want to achieve. Sometimes too eager to solve a problem will not help, you will breakdown. Time will solve the problem.

I also used to think for the sake of my boy, it's worthwhile to tolerate my ex. However, if both of you are not happy, the child, no matter how old, will know it somehow and be affected.

I would say try your best first as it's also not easy for 2 person to be together. If really no choice, then got to face it and let go. The answer is in you. It's only you yourself who can find the answer as every1 is different. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[gail]

Hi I am new here...also a divorcee soon.

 

[icemocha]

Hi all

Bum into this column by chance. Would like to share my story too. What do you do when you come back home and you don't feel at home at all? Communication with hubby is all about the baby. There is no hugs and kisses and not even holding hands.... Went for teh tarik last night. Conversation was dry, no spark at all. Is it true that before and after marriage is different, no correction after the kid is out is different. Our relationship seems to be drifting apart. At night on the bed, is he one side, i one side. Maybe I'm stubborn and not want to make the first move. But are guys that dumb to see wats wrong or they choose to igorne it.

I know work has been stressful for him. But is this how you treat your loves one at home. This has been going on since June this year.

Things doesn't help when you got his sis staying at our home. Although we almost the same age, we share different interest, therefore communication is very minimal other then: there's food on the table, pls help yourself and etc. I can't even have a simple conservation like how's work and so on. As she once said that she is not comfortable telling people with her work yet until she is settle down. (Holy spirit telling her not to). Coming home is like shutting myself up completely and talk when necessary. Although I am usually chatty.

Things just doesn't stop there, the room the sis stays in is like a pig sty. She doen't makes the bed and her clothes hanging everywhere. Her books, luggage, plastic bags all over the place. Pots and pans all over the kitchen, not keeping them after washing. I'm not a clean freak but just keep the house neat and tidy coz I got a 7mth old baby at home. I told hubby about it but he can't voice it. Give sometime she would move out by the end of the year.

I'm not the kind of person who nags. If I can manage and do the stuff I just do it myself. But my patience will soon wear me out.

Wat make matters worse, I think I'm finding love the wrong direction. I'm getting alot of attn and love from a girl(who dress and acts like a guys) as both our personality click and we share the same thots. As days goes by the feelings seems to grow. Both of us know that it is wrong but we can't seems to stop it. I know you guys think wat the hell am i doing??? But I think its because I can't find love and attn from my hubby that leds me to this. If it was another guy, I would have been swept off the feet.

Gosh, I know its so wrong but is it so hard to be love by someone........

 

[hope to help]

Icemocha, hv u ever told ur hb abt this? I learnt fr my r/s with parents, never to expect anyone to know ur tots. If u want it, say it. If u need it, say it. He's ur hb, if he loves u, he'll stop n ponder n do it with love. If he insists on doing it his own way, then he's not matured yet. I always believe that it's very tiring to play mind games with people, y cant people just be straight n frank abt it? Remember how we used to think that we've dropped enuff hints to the boy we've crush on???? N wondering y he's so dumb not to take e hint???? Yah, most prob, he's really dumb. He's just another human, not a hint-analytical. What's there to fear with telling ur loved ones what u want, esp ur own spouse? Have a good talk with him. Listen n dun accuse.

 

[shattered]

Dingo, thanks for listening me n ur time. I've just emailed u, b4 coming to this thread. Things happened again this morn..........

 

[icemocha]

Hi hope to help

We did talk once recently. But no luck in that area. Maybe I'm not blunt enough.

For example: I have been going out and coming back say about 2-3am. All he ask is where have you been? My reply, out with friends. I know it is not right but there seems to be lack of concern over here. There was once he left a note on the bed. "Aren't you getting overboard with wat you doing?". We talk the night after, with me trashing my thots out. But didn't come to a conclusion. Here are some of the conversation:

As for the sis, I told him your sis room is like a pig sty, his reply: aren't i abit of harsh. Not everyone is up to my standard of cleanliness. Oh come on, Bullshit... Is folding your blanket too much too ask.....??? He is always siding his family but he is denying it..

Told him I was dissapointed with him when we were out at Jurong Point. I was back late the night before but I still went out as a "family". I knew he had alot of question to query me, so he suggested Coffee Bean. I was prepared but when we sat down he slept. Wat can I say!!!! I jst brought my little girl for a walk then.

Next was food was a issue, as his health doesn't permits him alot of food like no spicy food and no pepper in all his food until he gets a surgery done. Previously I did suggested lets go out to eat like once a month not in a hawker centre but slighly upmarket place. Just to pamper ourselves. He agreed but asking me to be considerate.... I blow my top off..... I said haven't I been considerate. When was the last time we when out 4 a nice dinner??? That was when I was abt 6-7 mths pregnant. I now have a 7 mths old baby. I didn't ask to go 4 a fine dinner just a simple dinner were we use to do. I know we are trying to save money too but surely we can go slurge ourselves once in awhile.

After said all that, he hasn't even initiate anything. Is he dumb or act blur..... Or bo chap!!!! He seems to take it so likely. Still no hugs and kisses. Previously I must ask must, Why you don't hold my hand and only he will do it. I wonder sometimes " ALL WORK AND NO PLAY REAALLY MAKES ONCE A DULL PERSON". He was not like that when i knew him. If I knew he would be like this i would not have married him. Hm!!!! Maybe love is blind....

 

[not_so_easy]

apple

OW = the other woman

someone suggested that you shift out...well, it may not be a bad idea...but it is also not very wise to leave away for a long time......because doing so...allows him to bring OW home....this will make it more difficult for you later....i would think it is alright if you leave him alone occassionally....do not let him know for how long you are away..just do it randomly as and when you feel happy to be away instead...just a suggestion here...do think of the pros and cons too...

 

[soonalone2]

Hi Apple

my ex and i went for many counselling sessions, 3 different counsellors, over many months. Seemed like he knew the answers to say so that pple would get off his back and he would be left in peace. And he went to another level of telling lies so that he could continue with the OW while pretending to be trying to make the marriage work. You see, if he didn't pretend, you wouldn't suspect as much, and he wouldn't have to lie so much. Easier for him.

He's too much, though, for blatantly continuing to communicate with her. No respect for you at all. Seems to show that he can't be bothered with you at all. To put it bluntly, why is he still hanging on to you... ? Does he want the best of both worlds?

Anyway, hang in there and take heart. Many of us out here... been there done that and survived.

In God, we trust.

 

[apple0401]

Thanks, soonalone.
Sorry to remind you of your ex. But can I know more about your counselling sessions? How long did you hang in there before the final cut off? He also gave the impression and lies that he wanted to work on the marriage? Sorry to ask so much cos would want to understand the mentality of men who agree to go for counselling.

I know why he is still here with me. Very simply, he cannot bear to give up his son. I dare to say that his love for our son much much outweighs anything else.

Isit (not so easy), I have left home once, saying that I want to be out of this shit. It was him who come begging me to go back, saying that he has decided to be with me and son long ago but could not bring himself to tell the OW. Then, when he agreed to go for counselling, I moved back. COunsellor also advised that we move back cos it is not wise to leave him alone for too long. Only when we are back and started out counselling, he is like that as what I have described. Hence, I cannot fathom this guy who said he has decided and yet does not display corresponding actions..

 

[soonalone2]

Hi Apple,

assuming it's me, and not 'soonalone'

counselling sessions - revisit the past, what was like before the OW, were there any issues then, what was it like with the OW, how you've been handling it, what your views are regarding the cause of it (they usually insist both parties are at fault though the victim - you - usually denies this), list action items with target completion dates, advise spending time with each other without kids, etc. Ex kinda decided not to go 'cos he felt pressured into having to leave her... ODD, right? Wasn't that the whole point? How to rebuild a marriage when OW is still in picture. Somehow, he just didn't see that.

His views - my fault for causing everything, my fault for not caring, my fault for this, my fault for that. Also, OW fault for being so clingy, OW fault for wanting to die if he leaves her, OW fault for this, OW fault for that. His fault, got meh?

He obviously doesn't love his son enough to give him a good mother - you.

 

[la la la]

HI APPLE,

He loves ur son but he can only choose 1 from the two packages: u& son or the other party.

it seems that ur hubby is still very confused on who to choose. Personally i feel that there is always a magnatic force to pull him away if the OW is still in the picture. Now ur hb is blinded, watever u do, it is never on par with wat the OW did.

Watever decisions u made, u have to place urself on the top priority.

I dunno how true it is, but if u are by his side, he wun feel the urgency to break off with OW, reason being even if he continues, u will still be there for him. He wun feel the lost.

There is a very big risk that he will bring the OW to ur place as mentioned by isit. But if this happen, do u think that the marriage is still salvagable? Or does it help u to make a clearer decision?

 

[disheartened]

Hi,

Would like to ask for some advice. Have been married for nearly 1 year. However, due to in-law problems, we are planning to file for divorce. Understand that for those with less than 1 year of marriage, can ask for annulment? We do not have any kids, but we are currently staying in a resale flat (flat is under both of our name).

Wondering if anybody can advise as to whether can we file for annulment, given our situation, and whether what will happen to our flat?

 

[take time to cool off]

Dear disheartened,

My advice for you is to go for counselling. I dont have a full picture of your situation. But what I can say is to be calm and cool off. Going thru annulment or divorce is very painful.

To answer your qn, you can go for annulment if you fulfil the criteria, do read up the below link :
http://www.subcourts.gov.sg/family/principles/FAQ_marriage.htm#6

If you annul your marriage, you would need to surrender your flat to HDB.

Take care.

 

[unwantedman33]

apple0401,

hello, long time has not communicated with you as I was away for a while.

I have read your updates and my comments are as follow:

I believe you cannot continue to be in your current mode. You should make it clear to your husband that he must STOP all comms with the other woman FIRST before you and the baby will be with him. It is a difficult decision for him but it is something that he must do.

If he refuse to do it, I suggest you may want to give me a fix timeline, say a month or so - to completely break-off from that woman. There is no such thing as managing her out. When they are in contact, it will fuel their affair and it will be impossible for them to be separated. It has to be cold-turkey for both.

If after a month and your hubby still cannot be completely separated from that woman, I would have to advise you to leave your hubby. Mind you, I am not asking you to give up. Leaving him with that woman for a period of time - at the same time, make sure that this affair is exposed - I bet that it won't last long.

The flip side is that your husband may really want this and leave you forever. But think about it, the alternative is for you to share your husband with someone else openly - he now don't even bother to cover it up. Let him go, if he really love your son and want to be with you, he will come back. If not, no matter what you do, he will not come back.

The first thing to save your marriage is to destroy the affair. Only when the affair is completely destroyed is there hope for reconcilliation. But of course, even if the affair is destroyed, it may not necessarily save your marriage. At least there is a hope. If the affair is still there, your marriage will never have a chance of recovering. There is what I think and that is what I will do.

The other alterative is to suffer silently and turn a deaf ear and blind eyes to everything. If you have mastered this art of turning deaf and blind - then it may be possible to try this alternative - and wait for your husband to see the light - one day.

In the mean time, please take care.