My conflict with Mother In Law

[miloice]

He said he will handle it in a neutral way, see who is right and who is wrong.
When he say this hor, I know already. Confirm not everytime I will win one. But then again. The mother is good in creating trouble, I prefer to lead a peaceful life. So confirm cannot be my fault!!!

Haha... still, FML

Why is there a need to win? and the need for someone to be at fault? Differences aren't a mistake. Where there are humans, there are conflicts. The idea that because you didn't want trouble and therefore your mil is a troublemaker is already deplacing fault instead of looking at differences for what it is. Often do not see beyond the immediate context and make judgements, spending a lot of effort to fight on who is RIGHT, or keep quiet and bearing that grudge inside, from then on, putting on that judgement already. People carry their baggage and history to read the situations. Its never just the face value. Especially, with MIL DIL relationships, its all too common.

 

[newproject]

Why is there a need to win?

Yeah I spotted this too. The poster seems to imply is always MIL fault never hers.

No one can be always right or wrong and this idea of winning / losing with MIL is going to be dangerous.

Relationships are not a zero sum game...

 

[life_is]

He said he will handle it in a neutral way, see who is right and who is wrong.
When he say this hor, I know already. Confirm not everytime I will win one. But then again. The mother is good in creating trouble, I prefer to lead a peaceful life. So confirm cannot be my fault!!!

Haha... still, FML

He is being fair. At least he is not mamas boy. Imagine if he tells you to put up with all sorts of cap and never defends you?

I had to not see my parents for years because of ex in laws who forced me to do so. That was because the ex wife held my son hostage and refused to compromise on anything. She only listened to her parents nonsense and kept finding fault with my entire family. They are still holding my son hostage and beating him every time he says he wants to stay with me. He has been beaten into silence and pure submission simply because i dont believe in beating him. Police and msf not helping either. Spoken to ministers and ignored. Best course of action for most people is to get married after in laws die. And of course not to get married in Singapore because our police and msf are really useless. In the United States you would probably see such people arrested for child abuse and obstruction of justice.

 

[octobride]

Why is there a need to win? and the

need for someone to be at fault? Differences aren't a mistake. Where there are humans, there are conflicts. The idea that because you didn't want trouble and therefore your mil is a troublemaker is already deplacing fault instead of looking at differences for what it is. Often do not see beyond the immediate context and make judgements, spending a lot of effort to fight on who is RIGHT, or keep quiet and bearing that grudge inside, from then on, putting on that judgement already. People carry their baggage and history to read the situations. Its never just the face value. Especially, with MIL DIL relationships, its all too common.

Yeah I spotted this too. The poster seems to imply is always MIL fault never hers.

No one can be always right or wrong and this idea of winning / losing with MIL is going to be dangerous.

Relationships are not a zero sum game...

Maybe I phrased it in a wrong way. Not win. But he will not side me every time. Will that do? Lol
I never said it's ALWAYS her fault. What do you know about my MIL to be? Nothing.

I merely came to this thread to say I'm scared after reading all these posts as I'm going to stay with in laws after wedding. Don't act smart by saying I want to play winning or losing game with MIL. I never said it or even thought of it.

Don't know why are you guys yakking about. - I have never seek for your advice!

 

[newproject]

Maybe I phrased it in a wrong way. Not win. But he will not side me every time. Will that do? Lol
I never said it's ALWAYS her fault. What do you know about my MIL to be? Nothing.

I merely came to this thread to say I'm scared after reading all these posts as I'm going to stay with in laws after wedding. Don't act smart by saying I want to play winning or losing game with MIL. I never said it or even thought of it.

Don't know why are you guys yakking about. - I have never seek for your advice!

Well can't blame us , your phrasing wasn't the best by using "win". I didn't want comment on it until someone else first did.

Saying you are scared seems like you want advice. Well apparently not OK ignore all of us then. Good luck to you anyway.

 

[octobride]

Well can't blame us , your phrasing wasn't the best by using "win". I didn't want comment on it until someone else first did.

Saying you are scared seems like you want advice. Well apparently not OK ignore all of us then. Good luck to you anyway.

Saying scared means I want advice? Don't assume!

So funny you just come in here and think you know everything.

Anyway, my issue with MIL is not even half as bad as the other ladies here. Which is why I came in and said I'm depressed after reading all these posts and HOPE that she will not give me so much trouble in future.

Well thanks alot for your luck. I'm going to end this here. It's going no where.

 

[newproject]

Saying scared means I want advice? Don't assume!

So funny you just come in here and think you know everything.

Anyway, my issue with MIL is not even half as bad as the other ladies here. Which is why I came in and said I'm depressed after reading all these posts and HOPE that she will not give me so much trouble in future.

Well thanks alot for your luck. I'm going to end this here. It's going no where.

Is not just me who replied.... I apologise on behalf of all of us who replied.

 

[Staypositive]

Maybe I phrased it in a wrong way. Not win. But he will not side me every time. Will that do? Lol
I never said it's ALWAYS her fault. What do you know about my MIL to be? Nothing.

I merely came to this thread to say I'm scared after reading all these posts as I'm going to stay with in laws after wedding. Don't act smart by saying I want to play winning or losing game with MIL. I never said it or even thought of it.

Don't know why are you guys yakking about. - I have never seek for your advice!

Hi octobride,can understand ur frustration.some ppl just like to construct their own assumptions and come up with claims which are not valid and baseless.

 

[Staypositive]

Well can't blame us , your phrasing wasn't the best by using "win". I didn't want comment on it until someone else first did.

Saying you are scared seems like you want advice. Well apparently not OK ignore all of us then. Good luck to you anyway.

The word "scared" is a feeling.it does not mean the person wants advice.What the person really wants is someone to listen to her own fears and to have some comfort.She is just sharing her situation when she use the word "win". It's not that she is coming up with a conclusion to anything.dun assume.have to be fair and think through when u make comments.

And won't u ever learn?still like to jump to conclusions and put words into other ppl's mouths.

 

[miloice]

Since when exchanges in forums needs one to formally ask for advise before others can comment? Well... pretty consistent with the victimizing thinking that MIL is somehow the trouble maker. It has nothing to do with you phasing what you wrote wrongly. Its about you taking things wrongly.

I voiced out an observation, its fine for you to continue how you want to think. Take sides, trouble makers, strangers yalking. The reaction itself reflects frankly.

 

[miloice]

He is being fair. At least he is not mamas boy. Imagine if he tells you to put up with all sorts of cap and never defends you?

I had to not see my parents for years because of ex in laws who forced me to do so. That was because the ex wife held my son hostage and refused to compromise on anything. She only listened to her parents nonsense and kept finding fault with my entire family. They are still holding my son hostage and beating him every time he says he wants to stay with me. He has been beaten into silence and pure submission simply because i dont believe in beating him. Police and msf not helping either. Spoken to ministers and ignored. Best course of action for most people is to get married after in laws die. And of course not to get married in Singapore because our police and msf are really useless. In the United States you would probably see such people arrested for child abuse and obstruction of justice.

Unless there is an obvious case of child abuse, laws in Singapore do not criminalize disciplining the kid by hitting them. Many abuses happen in forms of physical or psychological. It is tragic but very real problem that pride of divorce or separated parents, is more important than the interest of the child. I feel for you brother. My own mother put me through years of poisoning me about my own dad. They can be very blind to what they are doing to the children. Kids are put into the bitter and childish fights of their 'grown up' parents.

 

[newproject]

Since when exchanges in forums needs one to formally ask for advise before others can comment? Well... pretty consistent with the victimizing thinking that MIL is somehow the trouble maker. It has nothing to do with you phasing what you wrote wrongly. Its about you taking things wrongly.

I voiced out an observation, its fine for you to continue how you want to think.

OK you have a point but let's all calm down.

 

[Staypositive]

Since when exchanges in forums needs one to formally ask for advise before others can comment? Well... pretty consistent with the victimizing thinking that MIL is somehow the trouble maker. It has nothing to do with you phasing what you wrote wrongly. Its about you taking things wrongly.

I voiced out an observation, its fine for you to continue how you want to think. Take sides, trouble makers, strangers yalking. The reaction itself reflects frankly.

Oh..comprehension and analyzing skills of the commenter influences how a reader think and interpret too.if u realize.not trying to antagonize u.its true.

 

[Infernolord]

We comes to forum to seek advises. We should be here with an open heart in mind and take feedback gracefully.
Perhaps TS is here to seek some sort of acknowledgements which she cant find them from her friends and family.
Perhaps TS has something she didnt share it out. Everyone has a story to tell. We based on what you said and advise accordingly.
Whether to elaborate further or not, its up to you. we are not here to judge or be judged. Just seeking a second opinion here. And it really up to TS to read and think herself what is right or wrong based on other opinions. No one can help you, only you help yourself.

*haha having said that, i am here and alot of ppl advise me. I take their feedbacks gracefully even though i know i been doing wrong and has not been correcting my mistakes. End of the day, i suffered, i dun blame others....

 

[newproject]

We comes to forum to seek advises. We should be here with an open heart in mind and take feedback gracefully.
Perhaps TS is here to seek some sort of acknowledgements which she cant find them from her friends and family.
Perhaps TS has something she didnt share it out. Everyone has a story to tell. We based on what you said and advise accordingly.
Whether to elaborate further or not, its up to you. we are not here to judge or be judged. Just seeking a second opinion here. And it really up to TS to read and think herself what is right or wrong based on other opinions. No one can help you, only you help yourself.

*haha having said that, i am here and alot of ppl advise me. I take their feedbacks gracefully even though i know i been doing wrong and has not been correcting my mistakes. End of the day, i suffered, i dun blame others....

You really nice guy you know that?

But you should get angry when required you know.

 

[life_is]

Unless there is an obvious case of child abuse, laws in Singapore do not criminalize disciplining the kid by hitting them. Many abuses happen in forms of physical or psychological. It is tragic but very real problem that pride of divorce or separated parents, is more important than the interest of the child. I feel for you brother. My own mother put me through years of poisoning me about my own dad. They can be very blind to what they are doing to the children. Kids are put into the bitter and childish fights of their 'grown up' parents.

Until the system recognises that such abuse is against what they preach as "best interests", our social fabric will only deteriorate. The situation in America will be what is us years from now, where hardly anyone recognises marriage due to the black sheep that ruined it. To level the playing field, we should legalise surrogacy so men who want to be parents but do not need women around have the right to do so. This protects men from the lopsided laws we have here and prevents any further exploitation by women who do not take marriage seriously.

 

[kytheon]

after reading all the posts, i believe it boils down to communication. do you put it in a way ur hub understand? i kinda understand the feeling of MIL feels we are trying to snatch away their sons. I believe tone and body gestures also do play an important part. the unhappiness has already make you form a certain mindset about your MIL. Distance may help, but never forget to go back weekly or fortnightly. Being nice n polite to people who are nasty to you will make them feel guilty. no matter how bad the situation, just be nice n polite. after awhile, even the others (friends, relatives) will see and compliment your PIL you are nice. Its all about face. Patience and determination is important. Just my thoughts. All the best and stay positive

 

[life_is]

after reading all the posts, i believe it boils down to communication. do you put it in a way ur hub understand? i kinda understand the feeling of MIL feels we are trying to snatch away their sons. I believe tone and body gestures also do play an important part. the unhappiness has already make you form a certain mindset about your MIL. Distance may help, but never forget to go back weekly or fortnightly. Being nice n polite to people who are nasty to you will make them feel guilty. no matter how bad the situation, just be nice n polite. after awhile, even the others (friends, relatives) will see and compliment your PIL you are nice. Its all about face. Patience and determination is important. Just my thoughts. All the best and stay positive

Just don't get too close to in laws. Best is be fair to both sides and equal time. Most important is the privacy and protecting interests of the union. Once in laws overstep, if the spouse doesn't step in to protect the marriage, just tell the spouse to get lost and penalise the in laws by distancing from them. That is the only way to get them to back off. If they won't stop and the spouse still defends them, just divorce and don't waste any time. It's common to have in laws and the spouse is totally responsible for keeping them on a leash if they start to bite.

 

[life_is]

I told my husband that I want to stay separately with him. Maybe I will rent a room outside and meet him up every few days.I dont want to live miserably forever facing my PIL.

I feel very very miserable. When I told my husband about his mother insults, in fact he heard it loud and clear too, he remain nonchalant. He never even bother to correct his mum about her words, and back to our room when I lament to him, not even a word of consolation.

Actually my husband has to play a part in my MIL insulting me. Its also because of his nonchalant attitude that got her into thinking that even my son agree with my insult.

Sometimes I really think of kicking the bucket.
I feel that my husband loves his mum much more than me. I dont know why he marry me. It seems like I am of little significance in his life.

If he can't manage his mum, better to separate or divorce. Don't waste time on mama's boy. Would be worse if you have kids. Why not just move out together if it is so difficult? Not all in laws will respect a marriage. Seen the worst kind from hell and lived to tell. Also heard of crazy in laws who were totally responsible for causing divorce. Get your husband to move out together so you can have peace. Easier than two women trying to get him to take sides. He can still be a responsible son without sticking by mum all the time.

 

[Joes]

Hi Sheena,

I read your stuff. I don't really know what exactly happens. It's kind of difficult to imagine the real situation.

But I can advise you to try to be assertive with her. It works on me twice in a row this week. I wasn't a person who deals with conflict. I was always too nice. Until one fine day that I blew up. First was a situation between the "confrontation" of my father in law and step mother in law who trying to lecture me and my husband about our attitude towards them. They said it was a talk to understand us but of course, it was just a mere lecture.

For the first time, I didn't back down. I fight back for my rights. And I didnt give up until they realized there was no way they can out talk me or my husband. You know what? Being direct, being honest and assertive seemed to work out well for me. I know it's hard to offend the elders but I realized, there won't be any way you can make things work. So why not just start small by learning to love yourselves, protect yourselves abit more?

I might still feel the emotions of hatred and disgust towards them. But I don't regret what I said to them. Now, it's their turn to think twice before they want to "lecture" us.

Hi Ladies

I know my topic is kind of cliche here,but I really need to pour out my sorrows so bear with me if I am too long winded.

I have many conflicts with my mother in law.
She has the tendency of passing sarcastic remarks on me like for instance today she blame my husband for breaking his promise of remaining single.That promise was made before he met me. What is she insinuating? Is she trying to tell me that her son should not marry me? I mean how can a mother make her son promise her that he would remain single?

Then last few days she said that if I didnt get married to her son, I would be played and dumped by guys again and again till 38 years old I am still a spinster. How can she humiliate me like this?

I mean i can forgive her once, but I cannot keep forgiving her if she continue with all these sarcastic remarks.

Then when I ignore her she would talk to me or buy me small things, as I am a soft hearted person I forgive her, then few days later she start her nonsense again to irritate me. Its like a repeated cycle everytime, I start to suspect its her trick of making me fall into her trap just to give her an opportunity to attack me. She is bullying me with words.

Last time when she pass nasty remarks on me, I would confront her harshly and she would go round telling others that I shouted at her, that I bully her. No matter what, I am at a losing end as all her sons would side with her.

The worst part is that when she pass such sarcastic remarks on me, she would say it with a smiling face so that everyone will think she is joking, by the way, got people joke about such matter?

Even my husband does not side with me, he said I bully his mum. not a word of consolation from him. I already told him many times that I cannot get along with his mum. But he kept compelling me to stay with her. I felt so tormented.

Can someone advise me how to handle my mother in law?

 

[Mikini]

Oh goodness I wish I can be more positive too.
Sometimes my bf mom is really such a pain in the ass, old people using her old thinking and worst of all as if she is the one marrying the son's gf.
Always pin point this and that, unhappy with what we do. Is like there's no freedom for us to do the things we wants cuz she will nag all the way.
Treat us like a child always saying we so big already still don't know this and that. Her mind is full of negative thoughts can you teach me how to live with her?

 

[miloice]

Oh goodness I wish I can be more positive too.
Sometimes my bf mom is really such a pain in the ass, old people using her old thinking and worst of all as if she is the one marrying the son's gf.
Always pin point this and that, unhappy with what we do. Is like there's no freedom for us to do the things we wants cuz she will nag all the way.
Treat us like a child always saying we so big already still don't know this and that. Her mind is full of negative thoughts can you teach me how to live with her?

Its your bf, this means you guys are not married yet. Elderly with negative thinking isn't rocket science you know? Manage your own expectations, relationship and marriage. If you cannot live with her, then don't. Its something you guys should be working towards moving out if that's a viable option. Many families, we have to take care of them. They can be inmobile, even more negative and always telling you they are dying, they are useless etc. Calling you non stop everyday, wanting to see the specialists ASAP. Everything, hearing the doctor with the same advice, the less mobile, the more complications. etc. Every family have unique issues.

Thing is, don't wait for the world to be perfect to be positive. The fact you think you cannot be positive, you will always be negative about it. To complain about how negative she is, its kind of irony.

 

[Joes]

Hi Mikini,

First of all, don't wish being positive, just do it.

Secondly, you should be glad that your bf mom is showing the worst as you said. Wouldn't it be too late if it only happened after marriage? There are many in laws treat their daughter in law really well before marriage and turned 360 degree afterwards. They were so considerate, understanding and friendly when you were just dating her son. But suddenly once you signed the marriage certificate, they expected you to be a wonder woman who knows-it-all from cooking, doing housework, managing household finance, being extremely nice to them and also giving them grand kids. So for at least, be glad that she is honest with you.

Lastly, since he is your boyfriend, you guys are still in a relationship and 'trying to work things out'. So both of you can start making the plans. If he is the guy that you're going to marry, you might want to make the consideration that his mom is going to be in your life no matter what. And you need to find a way how to handle her expectations while you manage your life.

There is no one straight formula when handling other people's expectation. It have to start within ourselves. How much can you handle? How much do you want to accommodate? Maybe you should pull yourselves out of the situation and think about it. Perceive the situation like an outsider and you will be surprised of the answers you will get.

Oh goodness I wish I can be more positive too.
Sometimes my bf mom is really such a pain in the ass, old people using her old thinking and worst of all as if she is the one marrying the son's gf.
Always pin point this and that, unhappy with what we do. Is like there's no freedom for us to do the things we wants cuz she will nag all the way.
Treat us like a child always saying we so big already still don't know this and that. Her mind is full of negative thoughts can you teach me how to live with her?

 

[Mikini]

Thanks miloice & Joes for the advise..

 

[Mikini]

Seriously after reading all the posts here I feels mother can tolerate own daughter doing but could not tolerate DIL.
DIL married over must follow their rules and listen to them.
My bf ask me to get along with her mom but her mom cannot tolerate the things I do, that's why so much complaint.
She even complaint to me how dissatisfied she is with her own daughter's doing but eventually she still can tolerate.
Once in a blue mood his mom n sis will have some drama on-going. Her daughter attitude is much worst and her mom always let her win because it's her own daughter. If I make small mistake her mom will keep nag at me.
My bf told next year if can get our own house then move out but I doubt so.
I had been staying alone all these years because of my family financial they moved houses a couple of times til there is no room or space for me to sleep. I can't even reliable on my own family so I have been supporting myself all these years.
Then I told him I want to move out he told me I will make the situation worst by doing so.
Her mom makes me feel so unwanted to stay in her house.

 

[life_is]

Hi Mikini,

First of all, don't wish being positive, just do it.

Secondly, you should be glad that your bf mom is showing the worst as you said. Wouldn't it be too late if it only happened after marriage? There are many in laws treat their daughter in law really well before marriage and turned 360 degree afterwards. They were so considerate, understanding and friendly when you were just dating her son. But suddenly once you signed the marriage certificate, they expected you to be a wonder woman who knows-it-all from cooking, doing housework, managing household finance, being extremely nice to them and also giving them grand kids. So for at least, be glad that she is honest with you.

Lastly, since he is your boyfriend, you guys are still in a relationship and 'trying to work things out'. So both of you can start making the plans. If he is the guy that you're going to marry, you might want to make the consideration that his mom is going to be in your life no matter what. And you need to find a way how to handle her expectations while you manage your life.

There is no one straight formula when handling other people's expectation. It have to start within ourselves. How much can you handle? How much do you want to accommodate? Maybe you should pull yourselves out of the situation and think about it. Perceive the situation like an outsider and you will be surprised of the answers you will get.

Happens to men too.

Here are the broken promises:
1) HDB flat for privacy, as promised by evil ex in laws. For entire marriage, not fulfilled and lived apart. Divorce dragged until past MOP and she got the flat.
2) evil in laws tried all means to separate me from parents and sister
3) evil in laws did not allow me to see my child and tried all means to do so. Still happening and no one will help me. Kid was abused and CPS simply ignored and closed case to protect such abusers. Ended up fearing to report police even when my child had a bruised eye that he told me was caused by evil old man.
4) instead of teaching their daughter what it is to be married, old man pushed me hard when I tried to talk sense into her to move in together. End of the day the child becomes his meal ticket via child maintenance and he doesn't even have to work.
5) to add insult to injury, ex brother in law said I was desperate to get her to move in, when we didn't stay together since day 1. Hope his wife teaches him a lesson he will never forget.

 

[WilliamGoyette]

Your conflict should not have gone so far... Try to keep calm and understand that she is a woman. Accordingly, she is a bit weak. Also, remember that your name may influence your career:
http://bigessaywriter.com/blog/15-ways-how-your-name-can-influence-on-career

 

[stillhurt]

Do you guys have problem with the mil always wanting to come over their house??
She has OCD problems and is always trying to find ways over to my house and find fault and clean the house.
If she decided to have a party she will not ask for permisson just saying oh next week i will order food and go over your house for a party.

Always think i am a pampered princess cant do housework.. everytime we go over she will say things to my husband but is very obvious refering to me like your house comfirm like rubbish chute, sure very dirty and messy , see your pattern never mop floor one lah.

 

[life_is]

Do you guys have problem with the mil always wanting to come over their house??
She has OCD problems and is always trying to find ways over to my house and find fault and clean the house.
If she decided to have a party she will not ask for permisson just saying oh next week i will order food and go over your house for a party.

Always think i am a pampered princess cant do housework.. everytime we go over she will say things to my husband but is very obvious refering to me like your house comfirm like rubbish chute, sure very dirty and messy , see your pattern never mop floor one lah.

Get your husband to support you for privacy. Such a Mil can be scary and will cause pain. It's also respect. She has to know her place and ask before arranging any parties. If people are not free to entertain they shouldn't have to. The house is not a public place for parties or for others to intrude.

 

[newproject]

Do you guys have problem with the mil always wanting to come over their house??
She has OCD problems and is always trying to find ways over to my house and find fault and clean the house.
If she decided to have a party she will not ask for permisson just saying oh next week i will order food and go over your house for a party.

Always think i am a pampered princess cant do housework.. everytime we go over she will say things to my husband but is very obvious refering to me like your house comfirm like rubbish chute, sure very dirty and messy , see your pattern never mop floor one lah.

Some mothers are like that. May not even be personal. Just OCD.

I know of a lady who everytime when she visits her daughters house will critique her own daughter lol. But says nothing about her daughter in law.

That said yeah she still shouldn't do that. MIL should know how sensitive DIL relationships are.

Woman these days a lot are princesses, cannot say at all

 

[labubu88]

Hi all, I'm new in this forum.

Straight away jump to the main issue with my PIL. I feel like I'm being treated as an outsider by my in laws. I'm staying with them and everyday, all my MIL cares about is only the cleanliness of the house. She knows how busy I am with my husband to take care of our kids. However, this thing won't appear inside his mind and she will always expect the house to llook tidy and clean all the times.

THere were once i squeeze abit of my time to clean toilet, wipe the kitchen and vacuum the house. However, she still finds it not clean enough. Therefore, from there, I stop doing it as I feel that she never appreciates my effort; WHILE, the funniest thing is she expect people to ALWAYS appreciate her effort even in a SMALL things.

I wish i can just get out of this kind of life. However, due to unstable financial condition, it forces us to stay with them till our financial is stable.