My conflict with Mother In Law

[miloice]

sheena,

i disagree, I don't treat my MIL any different from my own mum. She is my spouse's mother. And that make it important to me. There is so much perception over blood being somehow making it easier to forgive. I did share the my wife is having probs with her own mum's negativity. Often, I am also there to rationalize and calm her down. And when my wife reacted badly, I would spend time chatting with MIL because I know my wife's actions hurts MIL. While its not intentional, the hurt is real.

Forgiveness is for yourself and not her. If you cannot get over it, u mess up your own emotions and having the need to carry along the prejudice and fight. And prejudice pretty much mess up our perception. This is something very logical and natural. When u dislike and hate someone, everything she says or do, u will take it negatively. She is doing just that and things will never improve as long as you are playing along as her opponent in this MIL/DIL game. i.e. you are just as guilty of all the things u saying about your MIL.

I'm asking you to look at the big picture. Do you think you are not capable to see beyond your personal fights?

It is very positive and a good start that you have been working on it for past weeks. But, don't expect instant results. You don't see results in just a few weeks normally. Learn to really be immune. When its really not affecting you, you will not be spending your time dwelling over her nonsense and getting upset over them.

"but I simply cannot fathom what she is thinking or why she say such negative things to me or why she did things to irritate me."
Recognize and accept the fact that a person's character is pretty much rooted from all the yrs of upbringing and exposure. Whatever negativity she has might not be contributed by you. You expect to meet nasty and good people in your life. And u happen to have a nasty MIL. Don't spend more time to figure out what have you done to contribute to her negativity. It has alot more to do with the historic where u weren't even in the picture before. Influencing someone is never easy but it is possible. Firstly, u gotta look at things not from personal view. If she says something bad, don't keep thinking is about you. See beyond. See her character, the background and everything. Then, u will be less frustrated because u see the big picture and understand why is she doing these seemingly crazy things.

Lastly, how is your husband helping you to cope? I know its really tough on you and your spouse understanding and support is very important. Like when your MIL made unkind words at you, he cannot literally ignore your hurts. You can choose to ignore, but you need him to be there to comfort you, to balance the emotions and manage his own mum.

 

[miloice]

Sheena, one more thing.

I know it has been very difficult for you. I'm not going to belittle the kind of suffering you are undergoing at all. We all know its really very tough. But, its not the end of the world.

As long as you don't give up, things can improve. But if you give up and keep continuing to fight, I don't see how things can get any better. You might feel good at the moment of 'winning' the little argument or fight. But, what's beyond that? You are risking to ruin the relationship further and escalating it someday till it affects your marriage. Are you willing to lose your marriage? If yes, then why bother, just divorce and cut short the suffering for all.

 

[sheena_koh]

Hi Milo

Thanks for your advice.

I am working on it,hoping to reduce the animosity feelings with my MIL.

Yes, you are right, MIL and DIL conflicts is not the end of the world. Its just a part and parcel of life. Now I will try to minimise my conflicts with MIL as not to jeopardise our relationship further. I hope she will reciprocrate too.

 

[miloice]

hi Sheena,

hang on there. The forum is always here to offer listening ears for rant or frustrations and get feedback/sharing and advices from everyone. We can all learn from each other.

No matter what is the situation, u can look at it positively. Even if you decided at the end, its not possible to work things with your MIL, you still can work something out with your partner or even leaving the marriage. Its never the end of the road. It ends only when we ceases to exist, then its really a full-stop for us, but it goes on for the living still. We are never really fully alone.

We only live once, live it to the fullest. Dwelling on the negativity will waste our time and hinder us from maximizing it.

 

[another_sad_one]

With regards to MIL and DIL problems, I wish my wife would at least try to reconcile with my mother, to meet and discuss their conflicts in the open.
Unfortunately being the stubborn one she doesn't even want to meet. Woe is me being trapped in the middle haiz

 

[bigfatbear]

I also dont like the ideal staying with PIL, but my bf insist to.

I told him then next time if we have son, I also will insist them to stay with us. Guess what he says no lah the next generation would not like to stay with old ppl. IDIOT!!!!

Try to be nice to your MIL? If your HB see your effort maybe he will side you more.

 

[denise80]

I'm sorry to hear all these horrifying PIL and DIL conflicts here. Someone in the forum is right that not all MIL and DIL relationships are bad. It's just that we don't tell others good stories...maybe someone should start a thread on that...and make things a little more positive...

I for one am a lucky person...I am waiting for my flat and fr the start, I told my hb that I would only stay at his place on weekends and continue to stay at my own house on weekdays till our flat is ready in about a year's time. His parents are very accommodating and they're fine with that. When we went for our honeymoon, they even drove us to the airport, gave us a red packet each and on wrote auspicious blessings for me on the red packet, acknowledging me as their first daughter-in-law. I feel very touched and so decided to treat them really well by dropping by more often or buying them food or things when I can. Sometimes, by spending time with them dining and chatting is good enough to build good relationships.

 

[esbo]

Well I have a good story to tell.

My PILs are very nice to my family. When they found out that my mom was hospitalized, they came to my house when she was discharged, and brought lots of stuff like fruits, biscuits, chicken of essence. On top of that, my MIL even cooked for my family, and separate dishes for my mom. She also offered to cook for my family for a week. Of course my mom wouldn't want to trouble her, as she is also working and she also takes care of her daughters and grandchildren, busy most of the time, but she still initiated to cook. At that moment, I felt very touched. I told myself that I am so fortunate to have such wonderful parents and I must treat them better.

Till today, she still continues to cook desserts etc and let me bring home for my parents. She also allow her only son to stay with me after marriage at my parents' place. They are the best. They are also great grandparents. I can't wait to bear my husband a child and see the joy on my PIL's faces

 

[lootcart]

Is this thread still alive?

The main reason why I decided to sign in to Singaporebrides is to find a place to rant. I cant write this in blog, cant tell my friends and my parents that I had such an evil thought.

My HB is a divorcee, as well as his sister. All relationships are fine among us during the partohlogy (5yrs) days. After ROM, we managed to apply for a BTO flat successfully. main plan was to hold the wedding before house comes and start out own family. Heaven arranged my baby came shortly after ROM. HB and me discussed and decided to drop the flat as it took 5 years to complete and we cant afford to wait for so long. We decided to get married 1st and shift to a bigger place after my delivery. Thats the promise and therefore, I decided to move in with in laws after wedding.

Out of a sudden during my pregnancy, property prices escalated like crazy and shifting to a new place at that point is out of our budget. What to do? I cant force my HB to expand his budget. Only thing is to wait and see how.

Since SIL divorced, I dun see the point why is she occupying the Master Bedroom. FYI, the condo unit is shared by my SIL and HB. FIL and MIL is staying together as well. Ever since she is divorced, she is probably "too sad" to continue working. Quit her job and stayed at home after that. Her CPF contributions slowly used up for the house after a while. My HB became the solebreadwinner paying for all the bills from instalment, utilities as well as the management fees. We cant get a property at the moment and will be stuck here, shouldnt there be changes made to current situation? In this case, swap rooms so that I have a proper place to put the baby's bed?

Baby then born, thats the time where my nightmares came. I do not know why there isnt any arrangements made for the new baby. We are still staying in the small common room and SIL is still occupying the Master Bedroom. I asked my HB on this and he said that we are not staying in condo for very long, will be shifting to a bigger place. Swap rooms is very troublesome. OK, I bought the story for a while but problems keep coming next. THERE IS NO HOUSE, no signs on HB did to improve the situation. BTW, they are one good example of united family. I dare to say they are the top 10 most united family in SG. How come this particular person dun spare a thought for the new family member and baby de? Still, I buy my HB's story. Later, I see the situation is getting nowhere, I forced my HB to get a BTO flat. We went ahead. And he went around telling people that he will keep the current condo and "gift" to SIL. -_- While me and my HB have to slog for the new HDB flat. This is too over!

Frankly speaking, many people think I should be contented when I have MIL on weekdays, own mum on weekends and maid to look after my baby. My MIL is someone who has a wide social circle and always got gathering lobangs. I ever discuss this with my HB before I decided to hold traditional wedding and give birth. My MIL is the one who say she will look after my boy, I can rest assure and continue with my life. My nightmare comes again after my boy reached the world. When she says she take care of the baby when I am working, I only know she means she will look after from 9am to 6pm only. As a mother, it will be too much if I voice out this issue, everyone will say I am shirking my responsibilities nia. Fine. I hired a maid to ease my burdens. Guess what, she made my maid a slave. The maid has to wash 3 toilets everyday without fail. Change 5 sets of bedsheets including converter's cover every single week. Allow the maid to iron 5 adult's clothings at only once a week. Wipe windows and 5 ceiling fans. Do I still need to go on? In short, the maid has got no extra time for my boy. And she doesnt allow maid and baby to stay at home alone, not even 1 second. I hired a maid to help me out, not to look after whats shes doing. Yes, maid nowadays is not trustworthy so she is just playing safe. To such extent?

Because I am too tired to look after baby after work, I talked to HB that I will quit my job and be SAHM for the time being. HB then suggest that I work part time instead of SAHM as he can forsee conflicts if I am jobless. I thought I was lucky after my boss accepted my proposal. I will work only half day everyday so that I have some time to rest before 6pm comes. Guess what? MIL then help me from 9am to 1pm sharp. Even I go home slightly later, she will start her naggings that I jam up her gathering session. Because of the rule "Maid and baby cannot be home alone" and shes making my life and her life miserable.

She didnt go to the extend on calling me names. But she make slightest comment on anything I do. I am probably not old in her eyes but I think I am old enough to judge what is right and what is wrong. I did not probe into how she manage the house. And all I hope is she dun probe into my stuffs nia. She take charges over EVERYTHING when it comes to my son. She controls the brand of milk my son consume, the type of pampers he wears and the toys he play. Whatever I buy, she chuck to 1 corner and criticise nia. Ok lo, I dun buy, u buy the things u like, save me heaps of $$. She seemed even more buay song when I dun buy. Say I am not a good mother etc. Usual practise, 1 ear in 1 ear out.

My SIL is another kind. MIL will complain me to her whenever shes unhappy with me. Its ok, I cant control her mouth. SIL doesnt greet me after that. But its fine. I endure all these shit because my HB is stressed whenever we have conflicts. I continue to greet her even though she should be the one greeting me (da sao) instead. Greeting is a form of manners. Its ok that she doesnt have manners. I will not give people an impression that my parents did not teach me the proper manners by not greeting them.

I decided to endure until she start to pick on my mother as well. This is something which I cannot endure. Details is too long.

Final straw, I couldnt take it down one fine day. I brought my baby and left home. I wanted some time cooling down until I am ready to talk to my HB.

Days later, I called my HB and wanted to solve things. Guess what, he says we should divorce because THERE IS NO SOLUTION IN MIL-DIL ISSUES SINCE DYNASTIES AGO. Shifting out is out of question. He gave me a take-it-or-leave-it choice. And the best part, he will not fight for my son's custody.

At that point of time, I decided that I want my pride. My mum was the one who saved my marriage. Oh yes, my HB initiated this and very determined. My mum took great pains to save everything. She even called my MIL to help, my MIL is another one hoping me and HB will split soon so that they will be as happy before he got married. Guess how hurt is my mum? My mum then had a very bad impression of my HB. As a mother, she didnt want to see me having a broken family. But she always warned me against my HB, saying that hes someone who put his family in 1st priority. If want to stay, shut up and be the submissive wife.

I went home, tamed. Now I just keep my mouth shut on everything. No matter how hard I try not to step on her, she will still pick on minor issues. The most recent one is I left my slippers next to the shoe rack instead of on the shoe rack, causing her "almost to fall".

I have decided to endure all. It is very stupid to file for a divorce just because of a stupid old lady. Everything about my HB is good besides this problem, why should I give up my marriage because of these nonsense which my MIL made.

Right now I am smiling to her everyday despite these nonsense she made. The only thing that keeps me happy is that she is old le, will die anytime. I keep telling myself that once she dies, my sunny days will come. And everynow and then I hope she will meet an accident and whatsoever, just get out of my life.

I didnt want to talk this to my HB anymore as this is always the trigger which land us into big quarrels. He wants me to understand that MIL is his mother and he cannot leave her in lurch. What about me? What about my mother? Dun keep telling me that he is sandwiched between. I am being sandwiched too, my own mum hates my MIL to the core as well.

 

[bubblepuffs]

Wow Denise....

I admire your mum to want to help pick things up and being a strong pillar of support through this.

 

[the_giving_tree]

Denise,

My sympathies are with you. I know I'm not going to help in any way, but it looks like you have married a mama's boy. Suffering in silence is not going to be good for your physical or mental health.

I presume you have thought of marriage counselling? Or try and reach a compromise such as living near to your in-laws' place?

By the way, I have been married close to 2 decades and also living with MIL. Only thing is, we don't have children. Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise because my MIL's habits can literally kill people, such as leaving gas stove unattended and needles lying everywhere. Yes, I have my own share of problems with my MIL.

Bottling all these inside with no support from your husband is really no good for your health. Should persuade your hubby to go for marriage counselling.

 

[lootcart]

Bubblepuffs,

yes, i admire her also. But sometimes she will add salt to my wounds. Like I already know my HB very filial to MIL before married and I chose the HB myself. Sian la... Yeah ma, as a gf seeing bf filial to the parents is a good point ma! Who will expect after married will "filial" until such extend? Hai... but I just keep quiet. Cant go around seeking for help whenever I have problems with my HB. In the other thread, I did mentioned I dun feel that my HB had trust in me. We never had joint accs and he thinks that I want his $$ by having joint accs. Siao! Its not as if he had millions sitting in his bank. I wanted a joint savings acc so that we can each put in savings for future. He only "joints" with MIL. Hai.. I got no say in this but I am kind of miserable when he had such thought la...

Faith,

Tried to explode this but it didnt help. Their family is like standing side by side holding hands forming a circle. I had tried but never get to go in to form a bigger circle. No, my HB will nv go for counselling. Even he was to pour out his sorrows, he will only pour into his own family which will not help in the situation. An NO NO, hes someone who will never leave the nest.

Seriously, I really cant think of anything except in laws die faster and SIL get married soon. The other restort is to divorce which I think will be very stupid to do that for these xiao ren.

Oh yes, recently my SIL got a job and ends work at 11pm. She complained that taxi fares are ver ex nia and my HB purposely drive out to fetch her leaving me and baby at home on many days. -_- Why is she so bu zi dong? Why must she accept the offer? 11 plus 12am, she doesnt know that this kind of timing is couple's intimate hour meh?

I feel like asking them to buy their altars now, in case theres no side by side units in future.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Denise,

My hubby volunteers to fetch my in laws whenever they need him. I'm ok with it because I see it as something he enjoys doing.

My hubby volunteers to buy new house for in laws because he wants them to live in a nicer place.
I can see happiness in his eyes when he does it, showing his parents all the nice showflats.

I don't why, but when I see him so happy, I will feel happy for him too.
And when he sees me so happy and encouraging, he loves me even more than before.

Hope these tips may be helpful to you.

 

[susanna_low]

Denise, *hugs* to you. I can really imagine how difficult it was.

 

[flowerygal]

Denise,
Don't be despair..analyse what is really good for you and decide your future with your kid. Visualise and try to think hard how to be happier. Although my MIL is as nasty as yours & hubby's family like to take advantage of his kind nature, you have to fight for your own rights too. Tough battle but if you can prove to your HB that you & son are more important than them, he will realise that there are alot of ways to be filial rather than to be at their call. It is abit hard to reject their requests since he is the family's handy boy.

"Seriously, I really cant think of anything except in laws die faster and SIL get married soon. The other restort is to divorce which I think will be very stupid to do that for these xiao ren." Can understand that it is inevitable to think like that but for my case, i never hope they die earlier instead i wana die 1st. As for divorce, unless really no choice, it shall be the last retort.

It may be too early for your HB to know that they are going too far. Give him 1yr or 2, he will get tired. He will definitely want a place of his own. Be patient. As for maid, fortunately you have less worries about doing housechores yourself. It be more frustrating if you have to cope with chores & handling your kid.

 

[lootcart]

Recently we are thinking of shifting to a bigger place finally. My SIL wants at least a swimming pool and an attached toilet to the room. My MIL, worse, wants a room to herself because she doesnt want to share with FIL. If my HB enjoys catering to their requests, I dun see enjoyment, I see burden instead...

Hai... Sometimes I dunno how to encourage him.. To encourage him to buy bungalow with swimming pool ma even hes doesnt have that kind of income?

Yeah man... I guess its either take it or leave it now. Nothing much I can do too.

 

[daemonkoh]

Albee never fail to use her 'close to perfect' role husband as well as their 'close to perfect' marriage as examples to women here. *Thumb up*

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Denise,

I think your hubby, being wise, should know how to handle his finances. Please don't underestimate him.

Although he tries to indulge his family with a bigger house, I'm sure he will work out his finances whether he can afford or not.

If he can afford, I see there is no wrong in indulging his family. Their happiness is his happiness.

If he can't afford, I'm sure his mum, will not want to let her precious son overwork to pay for the house.

So don't worry too much, just smile sweetly. They are adults, not children. They can think for themselves.

All the best. Cheer up. Actually, House-hunting is a happy family event. Do enjoy it. Have fun looking at those nice showflats.

 

[lootcart]

Well.. my MIL... hai...

I really dunno how to describe this lao ren jia. She thinks that she had a a hard life in the past and deserves to enjoy now. Her way of enjoyment is not very normal. She go holidays. Be it Malaysia or China, its a monthly issue. Last month, she was away on every weekend. Fine... lets take that every trip she spent only $300 including accomdation which is not a lot. But she indulgez herself with LVs, Gucci, Fendi and Ferragamos... Until now I got no comments la... not as if she is spending my money BUT I aint sure if my HB can manage or not.

Whenever I try to ask if he have anything to share, he will say no. Understand his interests, he will probably find it hard to tell a wife as the wife might give non-constructive solutions like "cut their expenses". Is there a way to tell him that his family was heavily spoilt?

House hunting? Yes... but every house they goes to, sure got comments. The comments are $%^&*( de.

Will try to "enjoy" and "look on the brighter side" bah..

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Denise,

Maybe a subtle hint will work. Directing on yourself not your in laws.

Eg. If you look very beautiful in a dress and your MIL ask you how much you bought. You just mention demurely, " Bought at sales promotion, only $25. Next time, have sales, want to go shopping together?"

After sometime, your MIL will realise that one doesn't have to spend a lot of money to look good.

 

[lootcart]

Hmm.. good suggestion but I dun think will work. She been thru hardships before and I'm sure she will understand the importance of money more than me. However she seemed to abuse it with this excuse "I been thru many hardships and its time to enjoy". Hard to change her.

I guess I just have to accept this and hopefully I am able to turn a deaf ear and blind eye towards these.

I ever hint to my HB this "I want to save as much as I can because I do not want to depend on our son in future. Will prefer to stay alone than to live with his new family" and it doesnt work. He turn into a deaf ear instead.

-_-

 

[mark78]

-

 

[miloice]

Why is there a need to change your MIL?

as long as your partner is financially sensible and responsible. He can spend his money anyway he likes. Not the same case, if he would to expect you to sponsor him to meet his mum's demands / expectations.

 

[lootcart]

There isnt a need. I dun see the need. I couldnt be bothered with her. She just has the ways to make my HB listen to her. Its ok. But I cannot stand it when she wants my HB to tell me that I should listen to her. Yes I understands that Son cannot change mother, but I can change my HB. Later I decided not to because its very stupid to let idiots ruin my marriage. Decided to keep quiet in front of everyone. But I couldnt take lying down. Yet I cant change anything. Therefore I want a place to rant only.

No, he is not financially sensible and responsible. Yes, he can spent his money anyway he likes. No he didnt expect me to sponsor him to meet his mum's demands directly. Hes doing it in a indirect way.

The situation is like this. His mum and sister wants to stay in a condo. Future condo will be under my name and HB's name. Instalments is deducted from HB and my CPF contributions. I dun see a need to stay in a condo. I have to get it because they wants it. Isnt he expect me to sponsor to meet MIL and sister's needs? Yes, I can raise my voice. I've tried and lead to quarrels, he said he will prefer a divorce if I have to do it in my way.

Frankly speaking, I find this very stupid. Stupid until I dunno what to say and what to do except to keep quiet and rant in cyberspace.

 

[miloice]

yah its so stupid but you choose him as your life partner. You can rant all you want. But nothing will change about it.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Denise,

When my hubby wanted to buy a new house for his parents and sis, I was expected to help him with the loan too.

I'm ok with the loan because I regard my PIL and SIL as my family too. If it's my own parents who need a bigger house, I'm sure my hubby will also be willing to help out with the loan.

I think this is quite common. My colleague's hubby also bought a bigger house for her parents.
And her hubby is ok with paying the loan too.

 

[lootcart]

Yeah, at the moment there is really nothing to change. I believe my sunny days will be here in time to come.

Albee,

its really a very healthy thought. I just cannot get it balance. My SIL is in her 30s.... while I am in my 20s....

 

[miloice]

Denise, u need not based your hopes in the suffering or death of others. He is your partner's mother. Touch wood but would your husband be glad that your mother passed on one day? And how does that make you feel knowing how happy he is about that?

Let go of the hatred.

 

[soontobe]

Denise, my hubby has also been very generous w his money for his family and frens. We used to fight over this during our courtship days. However, I decided to take 1 step back to review the situation when we decided to get married, coz I didn't want my marriage to fail due to the constant fights on money.

So, I told him, as long as he parks a certain amt of savings into our joint account every mth and takes care of certain household expenses, he's free to decide how he wants to use his remaining money. Whether he wants to give more to his mum or treat his staff to an exp lunch, I will not object. But then, I aso did my calculations on how much "free" money he would have as I was (and still am) awared of his salary and expenses. Thus, if he wants to give away his money freely, he will have to feel the pinch himself (meaning he has lesser money for himself).

Well, this works for me...and I can tell u I'm a lot more happier.....my hubby is more conservative in his spending as he has been feeling the pinch. Nevertheless, there are still times that he will 1 or 2 crazy ideas to get this or that for my IL, esp now my ILs are going to shift out to stay on their own...and to do those, it will mean either take from our joint acct or he save lesser for that 1-2 mths. So usually during situations, I will rationale with him on the pros and cons, n the alternative solutions coz I can aso understand y he wants to do those for his mum (who aso went thru hardships to bring up him and his sis on her own).

It's really give and take sometimes. Luckily, for me, coz of how our financial situation have been managed ever since we got married, he's usually willing to listen to my reasonings and agree w me. Though, I will aso give in by agreeing to some of his ideas but at a reduced price. For instance, he wanted to fork out money to help in the reno + buy electronics appliances. I objected in the reno but agreed to get the electronics appliances. And I told him that he may wan to increase his monthly allowance to his mum ---> in a way like an instalment payment to help in the reno. I cannot afford the full lump outflow of cash as we are expecting our little one in Jun...

I hope my experience helps. This is the same thing that I taught my gf when she got married 2 years ago, and her dad agreed that this is the method to use without affecting the relationship

 

[skyshine]

Hi everyone

I would like to hear the advice and views of married couples from this forum.

Have any of you managed to work things out with mil to be who always wants things to go her way?

In my case, mil to be will always use threatening means which are very serious such as sucidal threats in order to get things done goes her way. please note she is a divorcee.

in this aspect it is hard to establish a boundary for space to make own decision with hubby as a marriage couple. For eg, it could be just planning for a holiday to spend some quality couple time together without mil to be. We have explained to her on our need for privacy to build and develop the bond between a couple and have even suggested going on separate trip with her too but she is strongly against it. Reason being she do not want to be left out. We are not excluding her from any activities except to ask for some private time together.

I am very concern and is serious to make the marriage work out. However it is getting a toll on me to manage the demands and threats even before i tie the knot. Even before marriage, as a couple, we could not even have the independence to make shared decision without fear that mil to be would object and threaten us.

Would this issue have an impact on the marriage? Is it even possible to find a solution to it?

 

[miloice]

She continues her drama because it works. It is ridiculous to demand to be lightbulb between the couple especially during trips. Just tell her straight that you guys will not comply. What is your partner doing. He should be the one telling her off. The drama needs to be stopped.

I don't get your point abt her being divorcee. So? Is there some kind of stereotyping against divorce?

 

[skyshine]

hi miloice

thank you for your views..

no stereotyping is involved. i mentioned that because wondering whether it would have an impact on her character which caused her to be esp demanding. It could be a call for attention but somehow it went out of control and pushes its limit.

my partner has been trying to reason with mil to be. however, mil to be would be unhappy and tell him off. they would even hv cold wars. nt just merely not talking to each other but also involve nt helping him alr until she is in good mood.

Yups, mayb we should not fear the threats / disharmony so much and make her realised that the drama would not work.

 

[powder]

if wanna travel, just find an excuse to quarrel with her, then buy tickets when they r having a cold war... simple rite?

the threats to commit suicide is serious, but it's hard to go on living life with suicidal suzie threatening u with suicide over every decision that doesn't go her way... if your bfren can't handle it, has been using the same old ways of approach, isn't getting far... maybe he should try something new. problem with pple is that they do the same thing everytime and expect something new out of it. this problem should be handled by him, it's not your call and if the burden is laid on u, u either accept n live with it, or u leave him.

marriage is a long term commitment... romantic notions doesn't help u overcome a suicide-threatening mother, an autistic/handicapped child, a paralysed parent and more... when u marry, u have to prep yourself to deal with these issues almost daily. Are u mentally-prepared? perhaps one day both u and his mum will threaten suicide and he will end up being the first to carry it out. Yet, it doesn't end there... after his successful suicide, u n his mum will be apportioning blame n later, u'll be fighting over inheritance. she wiped his ass since he was a baby, u service his dick since he became an adult...

these things dun end simply... u better be mentally prepared. i have met girls in the past with emotional burdens n perhaps a sickly family member requiring longterm care... decision for me is whether i could take it on... when i think romantic, i will tell myself that i can conquer it all becos i love the girl. but the reality isn't as easy... the time i need to spend to care as much for certain family members, will eventually require me to sacrifice Time which means i may very well be sacrificing my chance for a better life. it's sad, but i have no regrets. or maybe i should say it'll be a greater regret if i decide to choose to stay... u either have the character for it, or u dun.

i'll be the first to admit that i can Never deal with suicide-threatening pple, whether they are seniors, elders or whatever... i dun think i owe anyone the fcuking life they threaten to take away simply becos they have no other means to deal with it. nobody should pin their life on my decisions unless it's life-thretening in the first place...

i would probably have reconciled with myself that if she dies, it's a good beneficial thing... me and partner can get on with our lives, and her body parts can probably be used to save 3-4 other lives of pple who actually wanna Live. so i'll already reach the nirvana of coming to terms.. ie i won't really give a sh!t anymore. death isn't a bad thing if all the person does is to threaten with taking it away...

but dun be so obvious until she decides to kamikaze...

men threaten suicide when they get into trouble n wanna get out of it. women threaten suicide when they lose control and want control... nothing new, that's life... n death.

my conclusion for him - he better start finding different ways of handling.

my conclusion for u - consider if this relationship is worth the lifelong hassle of dealing with suicidal suzie... yeah it's lifelong cos she'll live.

 

[miloice]

Sarah, the thing abt cold wars. Breaking it has no lost in face. As her son, your husband should initiate to break the ice and build the relationship with his mum. The better the relationship, the more it will ease the negotiation.

Giving in to parents is short term. Building the bond is long term. Results are not instant but it is much more important.

 

[Mikini]

I n my bf is nt married but I oso face e same problem wit his mom. Everything was normal at 1st but slowly I find her house chores so weird, especially when she uses the sponge to wash the plates at the same time she also use the sponge to wash the basin, what would you react when u see this? Of cuz I did not say anything in front of her but I feel so disgusting, m I being weird? Another thing was she wash clothes she throw all the clothes in regardless socks or towels, as for me I always separate them and wash especially white colours. Each person has their own ways of doin housework but she thinks that I am being very weird towards her. As I use my own cup, wash my own clothes and rewash the plates again before use. Understood sm old people feels bad luck using washing machine 2 wash under garment so I wuld hand wash twice a week, she also not happy she says I am very lazy, but she do not understand after come back from work I am very tired. She kept saying next time I sure don't know how to tk care of her son and my baby, she is so good at predict future. I am getting impatient with what she said because she loves to nag and grumble abt everything her son and daughter did to her. Her grumble is like non stop everyday, the moment I wake up the moment I see her I the moment I come back from work. I know she has her rights but I did not talk back to her, I kept quiet and walk away. One day I was on mc I lock the room door in order not to get any disturb from her after she scolded me the previous night, her reaction went big, she cried and shout and complaint to her daughter at the bus stop saying I am giving her attitude, and feels that she can't scold me when I'm wrong. My bf asked me to apologize to her, I did but she scold n scold then my bf step in she tells my bf says sorry so what? After knowing all this I cried and felt helpless, so what should I do?

 

[infojunkie]

moving out is the best solution, but u probably won't buy it.

 

[bearine]

Avoiding her is not a good way. It will look as if you are treating the home like a resort by coming home and straight to your room. It will be better to spend some time, do small talks then return to your room.
The nagging are usually worse if they are housewives, Just spend like 5-10 mins a day (treat it like OT?) to listen, but dun have to absorb any information, she probably needs a listening ear.

As mentioned by infojunkie, is to move out. To reduce this friction before it gets worse, esp during marriage planning and life after marriage. Hope things will turn out better.

 

[buddhabar]

I n my bf is nt married but I oso face e same problem wit his mom. Everything was normal at 1st but slowly I find her house chores so weird, especially when she uses the sponge to wash the plates at the same time she also use the sponge to wash the basin, what would you react when u see this? Of cuz I did not say anything in front of her but I feel so disgusting, m I being weird? Another thing was she wash clothes she throw all the clothes in regardless socks or towels, as for me I always separate them and wash especially white colours. Each person has their own ways of doin housework but she thinks that I am being very weird towards her. As I use my own cup, wash my own clothes and rewash the plates again before use. Understood sm old people feels bad luck using washing machine 2 wash under garment so I wuld hand wash twice a week, she also not happy she says I am very lazy, but she do not understand after come back from work I am very tired. She kept saying next time I sure don't know how to tk care of her son and my baby, she is so good at predict future. I am getting impatient with what she said because she loves to nag and grumble abt everything her son and daughter did to her. Her grumble is like non stop everyday, the moment I wake up the moment I see her I the moment I come back from work. I know she has her rights but I did not talk back to her, I kept quiet and walk away. One day I was on mc I lock the room door in order not to get any disturb from her after she scolded me the previous night, her reaction went big, she cried and shout and complaint to her daughter at the bus stop saying I am giving her attitude, and feels that she can't scold me when I'm wrong. My bf asked me to apologize to her, I did but she scold n scold then my bf step in she tells my bf says sorry so what? After knowing all this I cried and felt helpless, so what should I do?

why are putting up with this when you ain't even married? I feel that the only way for a possible happy marriage is for you to move out with your hb to be. If you are going to stay with your in law after marriage, I seriously believe it will be living hell where you won't even look forward to going home. what's a home? shouldn't it be a place where you look forward to coming back after a hard day, A place where there's absolutely no pressure or stress to live up to, a place where you relax and recharge yourself, physically and mentally. you go think about, unless you feel that life and marriage should be about constantly on your toes and constantly put to a test. just the thought is so tiring .......

 

[miloice]

I n my bf is nt married but I oso face e same problem wit his mom. Everything was normal at 1st but slowly I find her house chores so weird, especially when she uses the sponge to wash the plates at the same time she also use the sponge to wash the basin, what would you react when u see this? Of cuz I did not say anything in front of her but I feel so disgusting, m I being weird? Another thing was she wash clothes she throw all the clothes in regardless socks or towels, as for me I always separate them and wash especially white colours. Each person has their own ways of doin housework but she thinks that I am being very weird towards her. As I use my own cup, wash my own clothes and rewash the plates again before use. Understood sm old people feels bad luck using washing machine 2 wash under garment so I wuld hand wash twice a week, she also not happy she says I am very lazy, but she do not understand after come back from work I am very tired. She kept saying next time I sure don't know how to tk care of her son and my baby, she is so good at predict future. I am getting impatient with what she said because she loves to nag and grumble abt everything her son and daughter did to her. Her grumble is like non stop everyday, the moment I wake up the moment I see her I the moment I come back from work. I know she has her rights but I did not talk back to her, I kept quiet and walk away. One day I was on mc I lock the room door in order not to get any disturb from her after she scolded me the previous night, her reaction went big, she cried and shout and complaint to her daughter at the bus stop saying I am giving her attitude, and feels that she can't scold me when I'm wrong. My bf asked me to apologize to her, I did but she scold n scold then my bf step in she tells my bf says sorry so what? After knowing all this I cried and felt helpless, so what should I do?

Hi, you said so yourself "Each person has their own ways of doin housework". Frankly, your habits are more particular than most people. I'm 'guilty' for most of those things you mentioned. I throw in all my laundry and use the same sponge to wash the basin and the dishes. I just make sure I wash the sponge with detergent each time before using it for the dishes and finish by using the same sponge for the basin. Not sure how disgusting I am to you. I have my own OCDs as well, I need my toilets dry, I have cloths in my toilet that I wipe dry all the time after usage. The green wool is also handy to remove any water mark on the chrome parts. So much so that my son would follow after me as well.

Nagging elderly are irritating. No doubt. It is highly likely to worsen. It might not be anything to do with you either. With age, many elderly become more negative, nags a lot more and fail to register whatever we are telling them. When you repeat a few more times, they feel offended. When they don't speak coherently and confuses us, we explain, they get upset. It is not something unique. Talk to your partner to work on the best solution while being completely realistic on how the folks will behave and react. Like what others are saying, seriously reconsider the decision to stay together.

 

[diminiblue]

What is it with the majority of older generation's need to "win" and dominate over DIL..? Compromise doesn't exist in their dictionary.. If you don't follow their way, you don't bow to them, don't cower in front of them, they won't be satisfied.. How to have a peaceful relationship *sigh* Is it because they once "suffered" under their own MIL, so now its their turn to "shine"? I'm going mad with MIL-DIL issues too..

 

[miloice]

What is it with the majority of older generation's need to "win" and dominate over DIL..? Compromise doesn't exist in their dictionary.. If you don't follow their way, you don't bow to them, don't cower in front of them, they won't be satisfied.. How to have a peaceful relationship *sigh* Is it because they once "suffered" under their own MIL, so now its their turn to "shine"? I'm going mad with MIL-DIL issues too..

If you think like this, there will never be peace. The conflict of interest between son and husband role is always there. Not something new. With the insecurity that they experience, psychological stress of letting go, and dealing with menapause and age, not everyone can cope gracefully with it. Many don't. Doesn't help if DIL thinks MIL are some monsters out to revenge on the 'sufferings' they went through when they were DIL themselves.

 

[diminiblue]

If you think like this, there will never be peace. The conflict of interest between son and husband role is always there. Not something new. With the insecurity that they experience, psychological stress of letting go, and dealing with menapause and age, not everyone can cope gracefully with it. Many don't. Doesn't help if DIL thinks MIL are some monsters out to revenge on the 'sufferings' they went through when they were DIL themselves.

What you say is also true, but it really is frustrating to be on the receiving end. Besides, the MIL said so herself that she was controlled by her own MIL in the past. And now she is doing the same to me. She also once commented that she -cannot- be afraid of DIL. Its really hard to compromise when she doesn't want to. Its also tough on everyone when she deliberately put me down and accuse me of things I did not do. And I can't even apologise to keep the peace, because I'm been instructed by the FIL and HTB to -never- say sorry to her, if not she will create even more drama. Haaaaaaa..... I'm so tired of her...

 

[miloice]

well.... your FIL and HTB are understanding, that helps a lot. There are many MCPs that will just expect their spouses to deal with it. Not even bothering to mediate or empathize.

It is a shitty situation. If feasible, should always explore to stay apart.

 

[diminiblue]

well.... your FIL and HTB are understanding, that helps a lot. There are many MCPs that will just expect their spouses to deal with it. Not even bothering to mediate or empathize.

It is a shitty situation. If feasible, should always explore to stay apart.

Hence I'm still with my HTB, he doesn't force me to do things I don't want to, and he doesn't want me to bow to his mother either But he can't solve the problem, nobody can... There is no reasoning with her... Just have to nod, agree, and then pretend to forget, and wait for the next drama cycle to come along...

We are definitely staying away from her, but it is also a problem... Because our house won't be ready for another 6 months after our wedding, we have decided to stay apart first... My HTB has been telling her that I won't be moving in since forever, but she has selective memory, she just keeps bringing up "when you shift in" Then each time will remind her I'm not shifting in, then she starts another round of drama... ^^;;;;;

@Mikini, sorry I seem to have hijacked your post for my own story but I think you really should consider staying apart to reduce friction between your bf's mother and yourself... At least your bf stepped in after you apologised...

 

[miloice]

yah.... they don't register well. My mother in law for example, rants about her BP with every doctor and with us. Paranoid over any changes in the readings, record her readings all the time. Assured her numerous times but she doesn't stop talking about it. Saying how it wasn't like this previously. That's rubbish. No one's BP remains constant, every doctor have assured her it is OK and enough to just take once or twice daily. No need to take any medication at her levels. She will call us non stop asking to go see the specialist.

When she chats with anyone, she takes seriously any advise and hearsay from any stranger but ignores what the family assures her. In a way, you will wonder if she will only finally be happy when a doctors tells her that her BP is super high or in some series condition.

It is not in the culture of elderly to speak their mind directly. They will use alot of deflections and hints. They will be depressed when the family don't understand. They will ask repeatedly if you would want or like something, when you ask if she wants it, she will insist anything is fine, that she don't want, and that it is a matter if we want it or not. Repeat that in every conversation. That is how they communicate. Every little thing around them is an opportunity to dramatize to something overwhelming.

 

[diminiblue]

Right!! They will rather listen to every Tom Dick and Harry but not their family! Then when its pointed out to her, she was just brush it aside with "aiya, you dunno one lar" or "aiya the doctor bluff one, the doctor dunno one lar" Why would san-gu-lui-po know better than doctors, really beyond us...

Well, I guess my MIL is not beat-around-the-bush kind. She wants it, and she will tell you she wants it, and she expects you and the whole world to want it as well. Even when what she wants its absolutely impossible. Otherwise it'll be she initially didn't want it, but after the event she suddenly decided she wanted it, then its everyone's fault that she didn't get it then. Even if we tried to give it to her after, it's too late.

I totally agree with your sentence "Every little thing around them is an opportunity to dramatize to something overwhelming."

 

[miloice]

well.... my mil is way better than my own mother. I love her dearly but never blind to her issues.

 

[gettingmarriedandhappy]

my htb and i often discuss our respective mil issues together so that we are better informed on what each other feel cos my mother is quite demanding one and sometimes my htb feel very stress and pressured to provide that kind of standard he thinks my mother envision for me while his mother is very.. eh... how to say.. passive aggressive one.. always hint hint hint and sometimes very sarcastic drop big hint. got once last time hint at me to lose weight wah i was so upset i cried after the dinner but then i realise maybe sometimes i too sensitive also lar. i think my personality and htb also very stubborn but we stubborn together which is lucky for me.
last time we point out to each other how we felt and we got angry and fought. but over the years we realise its really husband and wife must stand together and understand together. so now we got no house yet but getting married soon, we decide to spilt half half stay at his place etc. his mom not happy lar and not the best arrangement but we need our own space too (cos my house always empty. my brother move out liao and my mother travels a lot) . i'm a bit scared of course cos after all different family upbringing and household dynamics but try lar. as long as we are together can already. we create our own little world lor.

 

[catnap]

I'm new to this forum and I'm in a sad and pathetic situation. Married almost 10 years. The marriage has its fair shares of ups and downs but still manageable. Until I found out a few years ago that husband surfed porn vicariously, even paid thousands over dollars to porn sites as membership subscription fees. I told him to seek counselling to work on his porn addiction, and then it became couple therapy. And I thought what a happy ending, because I gained a lot of insights during couple therapy and our relationship appeared way better than before. Also, I became closer to his family, namely his parents and sister. There was an unfortunate incident in his family which I stepped up my role as an in-law and lend them support. 2014 was the highlight of my life as the in-law to his closely-knitted family. I felt I was finally accepted, when his sister decided to go for an overseas trip with me and husband. Not to mention weekly sms-es from SIL and MIL. But good times don't last, do they?

Just when I thought after such a long time, when relationships got better and I was treated more like a family member, I had to make another discovery. That husband has been sexting a co-worker for a few years, even during the period we went into couple therapy. I was so shattered. I don't know how to react anymore. I don't know what to believe anymore. I decided to end this marriage. And of course I was also very furious and felt very betrayed. So in that few days when husband tried to pull out all stops to save this marriage, I was not nice in my text messages to him. Nothing short of humiliating and insulting him for betraying my trust. And never in my wildest imagination, he actually send all our text exchanges to his family group whatsapps. Not surprisingly his family viewed me as a horrible woman horrible wife who's capable of such nastiness. Once he forgot to log off from his email acct, so there I was sitting front of the computer, with access to his emails. And then all the correspondences between him and his family. They accused me for being responsible for marital breakdown, that I was manipulative, that I was a bully and therefore my husband had to resort to sexting and surfing the porn. And they even supported him to file for divorce and fight me all the way. His mom even said that if I had been a more decent wife, he wouldn't need to seek another outlet for his sexual needs. Honestly I had rather see emails between him and other women than to see this.

Felt so terribly betrayed as I reflected my journey with this family. I admit I'm not at my best all the times and I do show my moods especially when I'm unhappy. But in the recent few years I truly tried my best to fit into the family and regulate my temperaments. And I treated his parents with respect and I told husband that should anything happen to them, I will be here to support them, financially, physically etc. Last year I truly felt very happy that they seemed to like me as much as they like their son-in-law and I looked forward to family gatherings and I also organised a few just to spend more time with them. But never in my wildest dreams that they would be so biased and prejudiced against me, and turned against me when it's their precious son who has betrayed our marriage. And to see me as the villain, the bad wife who so deserved to be treated shabbily. Now I really understood what hypocrisy meant. They can appear so nice, warm and caring in front of me, and then throw darts at my back. Especially his mom. I knew she didn't like me (which I think she probably hates the idea of her son falling in love with another woman other than her!) And to shield their son from his wrong-doing by fanning the fire and encourage him to file for divorce and put up a contest. So really, thanks for all the 'good' times. I'm very very disappointed with husband. I truly despise him now and I've worked up enough courage to file for separation. It's just very sad. Because to end a marriage isn't all that easy. How do you just walk away as if nothing has happened, as if no emotions were invested, as if there were no memories? Sometimes I just wished that this was a nightmare, or a drama on TV, and it never happened to me.

 

[sadman2009]

Hi Catnap,

Be brave. It will be over eventually. Just hang on to everything is completed. Then you will have your own life and pursue your own happiness. Our own lives are too short and too precious to be wasted and ruined by others. Pursue what that will make you happy.
In the mean time, try to get as much out of this divorce as possible. Get the house. Get the alimony. Protect yourself.


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