My conflict with Mother In Law

[sheena_koh]

Hi shufen

If you are having a hard time staying with MIL, I am sure you understand my situation too. So what do you response when she said you deaf or no mouth? Its possible not to communicate at all?

You know if you dun even answer MIL, she will feel very sore about it, as she will feel that you treat her invisible. Why not you just be like me, talk to her only when necessary, never engage in a lengthy conversation with her.

But anyway maybe you think by not talking to her is the best solution, I thought of that too.

 

[vios]

yes, the constant insults are pretty nightmarish, to be frank....

i guess, some possible causes are your body language and face expressions - which might be misunderstood by ur MIL - in turn, led to more insults....
maybe u shld explore this aspect as well.

it seems that u all are living under one roof? just note that ur delibrate avoidance can be too blatant liao....
not a very smart move based on ongoing conflicts.

a long-term solution is to move out wif hubby... isn't it?
that is possible if u can get him to see your perspective, as mentioned earlier.

 

[sheena_koh]

Yes I am indeed very frustrated. How good can a MIL be when she often cause me and my husband to fight?

Because of my PIL, I developed a kind of phobia for elderly people. I wonder are all elderly people like this?

 

[mmi]

ya Sheena, i dun talk to her at all, i left home with my boy before because of her, but in the end return home as i feel that y shd i left? home is mine and house under my name, it will benefit her more if i left. We have many many conflicts, even she got conflicts with my parents. For long-term wise, it does affect relationship with hb. I think of divorced but will that be happy? maybe she more happy to see us divorced.

Next year, we decided to sell our current flat, get two 3-room flat, stay separately. This is the best choice we can do.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Yes I am indeed very frustrated. How good can a MIL be when she often cause me and my husband to fight?"

Sheena, she might be the cause of the quarrels but you can drop your own prejudice by not thinking that she has deliberately caused the quarrels. I dare say that half of the ill feeling is felt due to long-standing prejudice.

ShuFen, your above post shows you care too much about your MIL's reaction. Whatever you do you pre-empt her reaction. Quite extra lor.

 

[sheena_koh]

Moving out? My PIL dun have their own house. This solution I have suggested to my husband but he want to stay with his parents.

My MIL insults can be just out of the blue, it can be we are chatting happily about something then she start off her insults. I think she is also venting her frustration with my SIL on me. She cannot bully my SIL as she is scared my BIL not happy.

The last few insults from her is driving me nuts.I dun understand why she like to insult me, sometimes I feel like telling her she look very low class and uneducated, but I have never said this to her because its insulting.

I dont like to insult people, even if I insult people its always in their absence, never in their presence. Why insult people? If want to criticise someone, say it tactfully no need to insult.

I felt very inferior each time when I get insulted by her. Before I stay with her, I actually felt very confident about myself, but after staying with her for years, I felt lousy compared to the rest of my SIL. I felt lousy compared to everybody, I knew I have some good points over my SILs, like for instance I have better command of English than them, and I am more knowledgeable than them but my MIL insults have ruin all my confidence.

I am sorry to keep ranting after all the advices.

 

[cua]

Hi Sheena,

Can you share what kind of insult words that normally your MIL uses on you? I meant some words might not be so negative but we're taking it too hard.

 

[vios]

in times of such, u gotta learn to be more level-headed when it comes to verbalising ur emotions and thoughts to the hubby....

he's like the goalkeeper - shielding the ball from going in simply because he thought that he is extremely filial to his mum by completely siding with her...
so, it is definitely counter-effective for you to keep striking the ball at him - by lamenting abt her 'bad character' and 'her bad deeds' on a regular basis...

based on ur hubby's character, u need to figure out a way to score a goal.

 

[mmi]

Doll, many many more, nv ending story. It really looks like korea drama, think my story can film as a show. Tats y my hb kind of immune, bo chap. He is living in his own world.

 

[sheena_koh]

HI shufen

Then where your MIL stay when you get another house? Is your husband her only son?

Dun divorce your husband because of her, your MIL will be over the moon. I can fully understand your misery of staying with MIL.
Imagine everyday after work go home have to hide in room to avoid seeing someone you dont like in your house. Thats what I am feeling now.

 

[mmi]

Sheena, yr MIL is not tat bad like my MIL. My MIL slapped me b4 and that is the most hurtful things she did and i will never forgive her on that.

ya, my hb only son but he got another elder sis, married too but my MIL wont stay with her even tho our relationship getting worst. Son will be son, mum sure follow son. She will still stay near us but different unit, just not stay under the same roof is good enuff for me.

 

[miloice]

I wouldn't contribute it entirely on the TS for the insults. A lot of the nasty behaviors is deep roots for many yrs. It will not change overnight. This is the 1st fact TS should realize. Its does not mean she is a mean DIL or anything. Her MIL is nasty period.

But, what can be done to improve it? There are lots. But it comes with effort. So, the question, whether she wants in or out. If she wants in, then she needs to do things that would facilitate that long term goal. Not work against it and feel absolutely miserable about it.

Sheena, I wasn't a patient chap to begin with. I'm aggressive and quick minded in nature. But after all these yrs of fighting, reacting, it gets me no where. I used to screamed and curse my mum in anger, threw things, slammed doors, smashed and banged my head on the wall. Reacting in anger does nothing. There was once, my mum called my mobile and scolded me in office. I responded angrily right away and stormed out of the office.

When I came back and apologized to my colleague saying I couldn't take it at the moment over what she told me. He just simply told me one thing. You can choose to let it pass. No need to react to it. That got me thinking.

"you already said its your mum, your biological mum. After all, blood is thicker than water, and there is no overnight animosity between you and your own mum. But my MIL is not my biological mother, I am not insinuating that I dun regards her as my mother, just that its different."

I disagree. The blood isn't the importance. I love my MIL very much too. Rather, I cherish and appreciate the folks for who they are. I don't have a expectation on how they should and should not be like. I completely understand how important they are to my partner and that makes it important for me too. As explained, my MIL is a very negative person herself and my wife is often getting upset over that. I'm blessed in that sense my background prepared me well. I really respect my MIL and know how important she is to my wife. That's why I constantly reminded and rationalize things for her.

Just yesterday, I was listening to MIL telling me all the stories about my BIL ex-gfs. And how each of them tried to make her and her precious son fight.

I listened with empathy. No need to react at all.

 

[miloice]

if ShuFen is to divorce, its not because of the MIL. But rather her husband's total lack of understanding and support for her situation. no?

 

[miloice]

"Because of my PIL, I developed a kind of phobia for elderly people. I wonder are all elderly people like this?"

Many elderly are indeed like this. Instead of fearing them, where is the compassion to feel and understand the reasons behind. Do we look at things on the surface?

Just as how many youths are rebellious and careless. We are forgiving to our youths but not the elders. And we resent them and then fear them for being nasty. But, why are they so nasty in the 1st place?

 

[sheena_koh]

Hi shufen

How can your MIL slap you? After all you are not her biological daughter.Thats too much OMG
No wonder you so hate her, by the way what trigger her to slap you? I mean I am so flabeergasted hearing this. I find it so incredible.

Hi MIlo
Yeah you are right, I can choose to let it pass, but women are all petty minded. I admit I am a petty person, I hate it when someone insult me.
And I will bear a grudge against the person who insulted me. Someone insulted me twenty years ago, till today I still remember loud and clear.

But my MIL insulted me multiple times, last time I shouted at her for doing so, but nowadays I let it pass at times. But did dhe appreciate my goodwill? No, she took for granted.

She do it again and again, she is just fond of insulting me, its her habit, her trademark. I tried all methods, tell her nicely how I feel, she would give lame excuses like all elderly are alike that, as if all elderly are free to insult juniors, nothing wrong about it.

When I got livid with her insults and shouted at her, she would be a crybaby crying, going round telling others that I bullied her.

When I let it pass, she seems to do it more frequently. When I ignore her, she would try tricks like buying me food which she hardly does, and when I become soft hearted forgiven her, few days later she start with her criticisms again.

The bottomline is she abhors me to the core, but she does not show it. She used words to pierce my heart, put me down, tear me down,OMG. I wonder why she is like this, so scary.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Doll, many many more, nv ending story. It really looks like korea drama, think my story can film as a show. Tats y my hb kind of immune, bo chap. He is living in his own world."

Sheena, I don't downplay the Korean drama-like life you are living. I don't know how you would feel if I just cite some examples that I could still remember of my ex-MIL antics. Her prejudice was grounded on her preconceived notion that I had wrecked the marriage of my ex-hb and his first ex-wife. Perhaps because he and I knew each other way back in time, even before he met first ex-wife. But the truth that I knew was: We only started dating after they separated. I didn't blame her on the prejudice because she found out about the separation and me at the same time.

Anyway, it wasn't that I did not feel frustrated at that time when certain things happened, just that I chose not to let my frustration get the better of me. By the time I got married to ex-hb, much of the prejudice was dissolved and she even gave in to me on some of things I did not wish to do during customary wedding. We were amicable throughout the course of the marriage that had lasted six years. I only spoke to her sternly once only, when she gave me a piece of her mind on my divorce intent without understanding my reasons and decision.

 

[sgbabydoll]

ShuFen, what did you say that your MIL gave you a slap for? And why did you stand there for her to slap you or was it a sudden attack? I would walk away if tension is in the air with anyone to avoid a flair-up.

 

[mmi]

Sheena, just an arguement on who is rite and who is wrong and i was carrying my son (5 mths). Now my son is 3 years old, i cannot beat him at all if not sure got another fight w her. Grandson is her precious and if i divorced she sure fight w me on the custody.

 

[wjchiang]

sheena,
If u can read chinese, this short article is meaningful
http://tw.myblog.yahoo.com/stanwei-photo/article?mid=1130

i hope it can help u

 

[mmi]

Doll, ya a sudden attack, i was shocked too. And she think she is rite to slap me for bad attitude. If her daughter kena slap by her MIL, i think she won't sit down there shaking her legs.

 

[mmi]

Milo, u might be rite, if i divorced, my hb got to bear all the consequences. How many times i suggest to move out, he just dun agreed, just because he needs to take care his mum. I'm not saying u cannot take care of her but there is alot of way to take care, just because he stay w her, meaning he is taking care of her? he is just giving her a shelter only tat's all not taking care.

 

[sheena_koh]

Hi Shufen

OMG your MIL is too much. How can she slap you when you are pregnant? I think your situation worse than mine. No matter what, a MIL should never slap DIL just because of the things she say, even if insulting.

Yeah man, if her daughter get slap by MIL, I think she will storm to in law house and demand justice.

Last few days my MIL said this to me, she said daughters in law no matter what is different from biological daughter. She said daughter and mother have no overnight animosity, unike MIL and DIL they will bear a grudge over bad things each other say.

I wonder since she already knew this, why everytime antagonise me with all these sarcasm?

Isnt she contradicting?

 

[sheena_koh]

Hi Shufen

I think your MIL very confident that your husband will not dessert her because of you, she is also very confident that she is able to break you and her son up, thats why she keep attacking you, thats also why she has the audacity to slap you.

Thats how my MIL treat my the other SIL. My MIL once make my another SIL cry, after that her son did not visit her for months. So after that she didnt dare to offend her.

My MIL also dun really dare to offend my close SIL as she is kind of afraid of my BIL and she knew my SIL has power over him.

As for me, she is very confident that my husband will not desert her because of me, and my husband has never reprimanded her for insulting me, so she thought my husband sided her.

Thats why she bullied me with words.

 

[mmi]

Sheena, DIL will be always DIL. If we disrespect them, we will kena mark. And the black mark will always be there. She will always bring up the history whenever we argue.

I'm really tired staying in this home, my hb is not doing anything, i'm not happy at all.

 

[miloice]

hi sheena,

when u r too tired bearing grudges, maybe u can spend sometime to reflect if all these grudges are really needed.

I don't think its a woman or guy thing. Its the right level of exposure to bring upon this realization. Its a point that one stop expecting and start accepting and recognizing the value isn't on the battles. Everyone is capable of both being nice or nasty. Seeing things situationally and not personally might help with time. i.e. we appreciate and understand why people behave the way they arenot by crediting them as helpless monsters. But really looking them as outcome of their situations. That removes alot of the resentments and frustrations. Celebrate differences. That's the key to snergy in any relationship or team work.

I assure you, its easier said than done. But, we can improve. We are all learning. Good luck. You have empathy listening ears here in this forum. Cheers.

 

[miloice]

ShuFen,
"there is alot of way to take care, just because he stay w her, meaning he is taking care of her? he is just giving her a shelter only tat's all not taking care."
I agree with you completely that.

At 17, I was so resolute to stay with my mum too. But at 30 when I married, I was so resolute to ensure we don't stay together. But despite so, we are much closer than before now. Preparing parents for the move out is never smooth but its possible.

 

[mmi]

Milo, if my hb can think just like you, alot of things can be prevented. But he dun, he will only wake up when he lost his wife n son. All he needs is his mum only then i shall grant his wish.

 

[miloice]

before making the decision, talk to him seriously. He needs to know the seriousness and consequences. You have every right to be happy. And if you can't be happy living with your MIL, then its an issue that must be worked on. Either with him being more understanding and supportive or you moving on without him. An understanding partner is needed to handle difficulties together. If communication is broken, maybe u should speak to a counsellor as a last resort to bridge the communication.

 

[mmi]

Seriously, if divorced there will be another big fight again with my MIL. The custody of my son. She already warned me b4, if divorced i must put behind my son if not she will get her gangs to snatch my son from me. She totally behave like hooligans, nv seen such a MIL b4. Sigh....

 

[miloice]

if needed, get a court order protection. But mostly, the court will grant shared custody unless they have very concrete reasons to prevent either side parents from access to the kids.

 

[mmi]

Shared custody, normally court will grant kids to stay with mother? or is depends?

 

[its_fate]

Ask her try behaving like a hooligans lor.... If Really U want to divorce, U don't have to keep telling them...

Juz walk out of the house with your boy.. They cannot sue you for Abducting...

However, bear in mind that by doing so, å·²ç»æ’•ç ´è„¸äº†.. They can go to your mother's place, office to harrass U.... Also, provided that U REALLY want the kid. Don't use the boy as a threat to your hubby & MIL..

 

[mmi]

Iris, of coz i want my son. But i want to divorced in peace n not 撕破脸 unless situation is out of control.

Got once, she called up my office to spot-check me, check whether did i really go work or go play. Sigh....

 

[findingnemo]

Regardless of how unreasonable Sheena's MIL is, her SIL is really lucky that her MIL convinced her against abortion. She has helped saved a life. It is considered a life at the moment of conception.

Every time my mom scolded me, I tried to read the following again to comfort myself and remind me of my position, that I am the daughter and she is my mother. Hope this will help you too. Remember your MILs are the mothers of your husbands.

弟å­è§„

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为什么è¦è¿™æ ·åšå‘¢ï¼Ÿå­”å­è¯´ï¼šâ€œå­©å­ç”Ÿä¸‹æ¥ä¸‰å¹´ä¹‹ä¹…，æ‰ç¦»å¼€çˆ¶æ¯çš„怀抱，能够自己走自己åƒï¼Œè®©çˆ¶æ¯ç¨ç¨æ¾ä¸€å£æ°”，当å­å¥³çš„ ，我们在父æ¯åŽ»é€åŽï¼Œä¸ºä»€ä¹ˆå°±ä¸èƒ½åœ¨ä¸‰å¹´çš„丧期中时时刻刻想念父æ¯ï¼Œçˆ±å¿µçˆ¶æ¯å‘¢ï¼Ÿâ€äººç”Ÿåœ¨ä¸–父æ¯ä¸Žæˆ‘们最亲，给我们的æ©æƒ…也最é‡ï¼ŒåŠªåŠ›å­¦ä¹ ä¾å¥‰çˆ¶æ¯çš„礼节， 把å­é“当æˆä¸€é¡¹å¤§äº‹ä¸šï¼Œç”¨å¿ƒç»è¥ï¼Œæ‰èƒ½ç«‹è¶³äºŽå¤©åœ°ä¹‹é—´ã€‚父慈å­å­ï¼Œä¸ä¸€å®šè®©æˆ‘们的家富裕有钱，ä¸ä¸€å®šæœ‰èŠ±å›­åˆ«å¢…å¯ä»¥ä½ï¼Œä½†æ˜¯ï¼Œå­è¡Œå´å¯ä»¥å»ºç«‹å¤©ç„¶å’Œè°çš„ 秩åºï¼Œè®©æˆ‘们活在安和ä¹é€¸çš„环境中。家，如果是一个人的堡垒，å­ï¼Œå°±æ˜¯å ¡åž’下的基石。多一份å­å¿ƒï¼Œå®¶å°±å¤šä¸€ä»½ä¿éšœï¼Œè®©æˆ‘们用å­è¡ŒæŠŠå®¶å›ºè‹¥ 金汤堡垒。

<弟å­è§„> 这些规矩，看似平常无奇，但是，如果我们认真去实行，那带给父æ¯äº²çš„欢欣快ä¹ã€‚å¯ä¸æ˜¯æœ‰æ€§çš„东西å¯ä»¥åª²ç¾Žçš„哟。现在我们在家庭就能培养出这么好的言行举止，将æ¥è‡ªç„¶ä¼šæœ‰æ„想ä¸åˆ°çš„收获。

 

[its_fate]

Of coz it's good to divorce in PEACE (if possible)... However, by reading your post, she sounds like æ¶å©†å©† to me...

Me not scaring U, I have heard of a case that the MIL actually "hid" the boy from the mother and drove her out of the house.. Initially the boy will "find" his mother but after being physco by the paternal family and father, the boy gradually have no feeling towards his mother... Of coz police are called but they cannot do anything due domestic affair... Even the husband stand by his own mother...

This sounds like a drama. But it did happened to someone around me... So, I learned: "First to Strike Win"....

 

[miloice]

Shared custody meaning child stays with both parents on different days. The prob doesn't end with divorce. Alot of stupid emotional drama that MIL and ex spouses put the kid through.

It happens all the time. I'm sure most of us have friends in such situation. If the parent really think for the interest of the kid, they wouldn't sandwich them with their disputes. But not many people are so mature. If they are so perfect, most wouldn't have divorced them right?

 

[mmi]

Like what Milo said, hb also must be understanding and supportive but i dun hv such a supportive hb. I'm glad im a independence person, dun rely on hb much.

 

[miloice]

there is no thumb fixed rule. But, one should reflect and have reality check. If you know your mum is nasty, then ought to be more protective and supportive.

As I mentioned in the initial messages, many men are pampered GODs of their mums. So, all they see in their eyes is the loving mum that goes all out for them. It is unfortunate that they don't or refused to realize it. But spouse don't need to go through all the suffering alone. Its pointless if happiness is not possible.

Shufen, seriously, have u think about speaking to a marriage counsellor. This is the last resort but it has worked for many marriages too. In a way, its the last wake up call or the final nail to the coffin. Time is ticking away as you drag. Not encouraging / pushing you for decision. Rather, take time to really think very carefully. After you finally decide, don't look back, plan to move ahead.

Your decision could be to remain in the marriage and let to cope with it. Then, focus on that. Same for divorce or whatsoever decision u take. The sooner you snap out of the confusion, the clearer you will be about what u truly want &amp; need.

 

[miloice]

Sheena,

"And I will bear a grudge against the person who insulted me. Someone insulted me twenty years ago, till today I still remember loud and clear."

So u see, its not all one sided affair here. 20 yrs! How many grudges do you have? Isn't that tiring? Partly why things are this bad currently is because of your own personality too. No point to shooting arrows of blame loh. Regardless who is at fault, ask yourself, is this the best outcome? Or could I have reacted differently. We improve as we move on. What's done cannot be undone.

And letting something passes is more than just keeping quiet. Be proactive to respond her negativity with positivity. Talk and smile more with her. Work towards opening that closed heart of hers. That's the only way to influence her.

All these is only if you want to have a peaceful long term relationship with your MIL. If you choose to battle it out at the expense of the marriage and sandwiched feelings of your partner. By all means. Go on and fight and hope you win loh.

 

[jonah_jo]

Whenever my mother in law nags or tells me her sad past, esp when when there's meaning in every word she says, I will try telling myself that she has our best interests at heart.

Some mother in laws simply detest their daughter in law bcos the attention span their son has showered upon them has reduced after marriage. Hence, they look upon you as a threat. Stealing their son from them even if you stay with them, even though you may not think that way at all. Sometimes they even like to poison their own minds that you have been speaking bad of them behind their sons.

Try to build a relationship with your mother in law. I'm really serious esp if you're staying with her permanently. It would be good if your hubby could tag along.

In front of your hubby, esp if your hubby nags about his mother, perhaps you could explain her true intentions. I bet your hubby will adore you more.

I know it's not easy esp if your MIL is nasty but put it this way, sometimes living with our own mothers ain't easy. Give and take. Take everything with a pinch of salt. Treat her like your own mother and I bet things will improve.

 

[mmi]

Milo, yes of coz i think of going for marriage counsellor but..just but.

Am i very selfish just to leave the marriage like tat? shd think for my son too? he's stl so young, suddenly just lost a complete family.

 

[clipperjunk]

in-laws are tough to handle if the spouse is not on the same page....it gets better with age when the young couple matures and the older in-laws becomes slower...not advocating divorce but a family is only complete as the love it has....not the certificate...

 

[the_giving_tree]

Sheena, I empathesize with you. I, too, live with my MIL for close to 20 years now and we have issues too, but of a different kind.

From what you have described, your MIL is feeling very, very insecure over her perceived loss of her son to you and it doesn't help that your hubby is not doing anything about it. So, it looks you have two options: 1. Move out and move on with your life or 2. Change your perspective about your MIL.

By changing your perspective about your MIL, what I mean is that see all her actions as stemming out of her insecurities (which I think they are). Whenever she makes a personal attack on you, tell yourself, "OK, she is acting out of her insecurities. This is nothing personal." Walk away. Or if you can, add a dose of humour. Start laughing, then walk away. If she tries and makes it up to you by buying food for you the next day, just thank her politely and said you have eaten. Or said you'd eat later and then go and do something else. Minimize opportunities where she can attack you.

Would it help to go for marriage counselling with your husband? Your husband must see that his nonchalance is affecting his marriage. But, as you've said, if he's a mama's boy, then, well, there are only two options for you: move on with your life or accept the fact that you've married a mama's boy and you would have to handle your PIL issues alone.

Does it help to try and win your MIL over? Say, buy her gifts on her birthdays and special occasions to show her you are not a threat to her son? If she makes sarcastic remarks, just tell yourself she is doing it because of her insecurities. Pity her that she has to do this all the time to cover up all her insecurities. It must be pretty tiring to live a life like that.

To digress, my good friend's MIL is like yours. Her MIL would call her in the office (when she was heavily pregnant) and accused her of taking away her son. But then, her MIL is mentally ill. She has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Would it help to send your MIL for a medical assessment (of course, must do it tactfully; most schizophrenics deny they are mentally sick).

As for your SIL's problem, she should blame her husband for not helping out with the chores and childcare, rather than her MIL! If I were her, I would not even listen to what my MIL had promised me (that she would take care of my child). Our parents have done their job in raising us up and so likewise, it is our duty to raise our own children. If they offer to help, fine and well but it should not be the basis in which to decide whether the couple should have another child or not. If your SIL and her hubby so decide that one child is enough for them because they can't trust maids, then they should exercise precaution in their family planning. Why blame the in-laws?

Anyway, I wish you well, whatever decisions you choose to make. I understand your predicament because as I've said, I, too live with my MIL and it has not been easy all these years.

 

[miloice]

Shufen, seeing a marriage counsellor isn't leaving the marriage. Rather, the last attempt to make it work. It takes 2 to tango. You cannot be the only one trying to cope with it. You need your partner's support. Its not about being selfish. But rather, knowing what you need to be happy. If you can live with your MIL, then you won't be suffering this much. Ask yourself, how long more can you hold on to your unhappiness?

You live only once. Its your life your call. No one can tell you what's good and right for you. You must find that out yourself.

 

[findingnemo]

Shufen, you are not the only one in the world with MIL problems. No matter who you marry, chances are you will be faced with varying degrees of MIL problems as long as your hubby has a mother who is still alive. I have a couple of friends with no MIL (passed away) but they have FIL problems instead. Walking out on marriage just because of these problems which happen to almost everyone? Unless you don't get married. But then, you will have another set of problems as a single.

Go for counselling with the objective of learning how to improve the family relationship.

All the best.

 

[mmi]

Think my hb duno the seriousness!!! To him, i'm just making a fuss. Is work important than family?? sigh...totally give up..

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Nemo,

I think there are nice PIL around. Just that people won't talk about them as it may deem to be showing off or may make the other party with unpleasant PIL feel sad about their situation.

I have PIL who really dote on me and the kids.
My MIL will alway try her best to help me look after my kids even at short notices.

My hubby and I appreciate her help and reciprocate by often bringing them out for dinners and outings.

When we wanted to buy a bigger house for them, they even refuse and ask us to save up instead for our young kids.

 

[sheena_koh]

Hi Faith

Actually, my MIL is the type who is very confident about my husband filial piety towards her, thats why she bullied me verbally. On many occasions where she humiliate me jokingly in the presence of my hubby, my husband remain nonchalant and has never once refuted her verbal attacks.

My MIL simply bear grudges against me and she simply detest me in her heart but she put on a pretence to talk to me because she had no choice and vice versa.

She think very lowly of me, she despise me and she thought that i am not good enough for her son. She is sore about her son marrying me, I think until today she never accept me as her DIL.

Anyway,although I communicate with her but deep down in my heart, I am deeply prejudice against her and I have a serious heart problem with her.I seldom greet her, I only called her mother when necessary like only when I need to talk to her. Although I call her mother but deep down in my heart, I wish if given a choice, I would like to address her auntie instead of mother.

My MIL and I simply cannot get along regardless of staying or not staying together. It has been a very long battle, our good relationship is only momentary. But my relationship with my FIL is fine.

 

[miloice]

Being filial doesn't mean we condone everything thrown at us. I don't see the need for your husband to react and refute his mum infront of you.

If I'm in the situation, I would bring my wife away from all the attacks and talk to my mum one-on-one to understand why is she feeling like this and saying such things. Your husband should be addressing his mum's negativity. Fighting and refuting her isn't exactly the wise thing to do. Especially in front of you. He needs to keep his mum's esteem and face.

"My MIL simply bear grudges against me and she simply detest me in her heart" This applies to you too really. I see 2 women fighting. You are taking it as personally as she is."My MIL simply bear grudges against me and she simply detest me in her heart" This applies to you too really. I see 2 women fighting. You are taking it as personally as she is.

"deep down in my heart, I am deeply prejudice against her"... well, I see in your description a mirror image of your MIL. She is just as deeply prejudice towards you too. Does it help the situation at all?? Think about it.

 

[sheena_koh]

Hi Milo

I remember vividly of your conflcits with your mother which you mentioned much earlier, but all I can tell you is that it is very easy to forgive your biological mum, but as you know my MIL is not biologically related to me, she is just someone I have to accept whether I like it or not. The feeling towards own mother and mother in law is entirely different.

I am really disillusioned with my relationship with her. Maybe you may think that I am still of juvenile infantile mentality, but seriously I did take your advice of trying to comprehend her, but I simply cannot fathom what she is thinking or why she say such negative things to me or why she did things to irritate me.

I am now getting along fine with all my in laws except her. I loathe her mouth. Last time out of due respect to her, when she attacked me verbally I would remain silent but I would be upset by her words few days. But nowadays, I change my strategy and refute everything she attack me. I felt better this way,as after I refute, I am not so livid and also I wont vent the frustrations on my husband.

I did try to improve my relationship with her for the past few weeks, but I feel that the heart problem between us is really too serious to salvage. I have given up hope on her.