My bf's daugther........
- Thread starter lynnlim71
- Start date
Albee's good fortune in life could be a result of her simple approach
her philosophy in finding only a man who loves her more than she loves him, sticking only to joyful relationships and etc has worked her fine and given her rewards in life?
sometimes i think simplicity is what works.
nobody needs me to defend anybody or am i justifying whatever para of what she wrote. i just find her simplicity very refreshing. and i think if she is really as fortunate as how she writes, it is worthwhile to listen to how she approaches her life. it can't be all "LUCK", can it?
her philosophy in finding only a man who loves her more than she loves him, sticking only to joyful relationships and etc has worked her fine and given her rewards in life?
sometimes i think simplicity is what works.
nobody needs me to defend anybody or am i justifying whatever para of what she wrote. i just find her simplicity very refreshing. and i think if she is really as fortunate as how she writes, it is worthwhile to listen to how she approaches her life. it can't be all "LUCK", can it?
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"if i were a SYT in TS' shoes, i will shun that married man + kid."
I am not a SYT but I will also avoid TS's bf at all costs. He probably isn't handling the separation and childcare issues so well that TS feels she has to "step in"?
When I met my bf, he was already into one year of separation from wife and related issues were very much sorted out. Of course there were minor issues here and there but he's managed them all well. It's good that I wasn't there to witness any ugliness between them if there was.
I was only curious as to why his girl who started P1 this year was not put on school bus. Instead, her mother wanted my bf to take daughter to school every morning and for her own father to take her home in the afternoon. In the evening, she is sent to my bf's home to do her homework and sleep.
Daughter is moving from place to place a few times every day and I don't know if she feels she's a nomad.
Still I didn't interfere with the arrangement even though I know it is tiring for everyone. I am in no position too. Of course I later found out why his wife wanted such an arrangement.
I am not a SYT but I will also avoid TS's bf at all costs. He probably isn't handling the separation and childcare issues so well that TS feels she has to "step in"?
When I met my bf, he was already into one year of separation from wife and related issues were very much sorted out. Of course there were minor issues here and there but he's managed them all well. It's good that I wasn't there to witness any ugliness between them if there was.
I was only curious as to why his girl who started P1 this year was not put on school bus. Instead, her mother wanted my bf to take daughter to school every morning and for her own father to take her home in the afternoon. In the evening, she is sent to my bf's home to do her homework and sleep.
Daughter is moving from place to place a few times every day and I don't know if she feels she's a nomad.
Still I didn't interfere with the arrangement even though I know it is tiring for everyone. I am in no position too. Of course I later found out why his wife wanted such an arrangement.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
May, no. I was never expected to love her as my own. In fact, I haven't met her personally even though we have spoken on the phone. I told her I am her father's friend and she seemed ok.
When my bf told her recently that he has a gf (this was done after we knew we have a future together), she didn't seem happy about it. This is within my expectation. Let time show that I am not here to compete with her for him.
When my bf told her recently that he has a gf (this was done after we knew we have a future together), she didn't seem happy about it. This is within my expectation. Let time show that I am not here to compete with her for him.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Lax, my plan is not to remarry because I really enjoy my life as it is now. But if there comes a day that my bf and I will get married, I will not want to be the typical stepmom to her. "Stepmom" or "step-daughter" are only descriptions of how we are related to the outside world. I will like to be a friend if she allows me.
"He probably isn't handling the separation and childcare issues so well that TS feels she has to "step in"? "
I don't think it is fair to say that TS's bf is not handling the separation and child issue well. I thought he has agreed on the custody issue and they are already separated..
the problem could be the wife.. and also TS interference..
I don't think it is fair to say that TS's bf is not handling the separation and child issue well. I thought he has agreed on the custody issue and they are already separated..
the problem could be the wife.. and also TS interference..
sgbabydoll
Active Member
OK, SM, that could be a possibility too. It's just complicated because everyone wants a hand in it perhaps.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Is there a need to literally wash hands off? Offering some suggestion and help is probably okie and appreciated. But not imposing them especially without respecting the emotions of those involved nor understanding historical would be taking things beyond. And in the current context, with personal hidden agenda somemore.
doll,
There are many reasons not to put on school bus. I put on daughter only on one way trip home on school bus. In the morning, I sent her to school. On 1 or 2 mornings a week, my ex-wife will send her. I really like the idea of sending my daughters to school - just like my other daughters as well.
It is a additional bonding session. At her school, I will park my car a distance so as not to block traffic and walk with her to her school gate - holding her hand. Then we would hug and kiss goodbye.. It is something that I want to continue to do till she is older and embarrassed by it.
There are many reasons not to put on school bus. I put on daughter only on one way trip home on school bus. In the morning, I sent her to school. On 1 or 2 mornings a week, my ex-wife will send her. I really like the idea of sending my daughters to school - just like my other daughters as well.
It is a additional bonding session. At her school, I will park my car a distance so as not to block traffic and walk with her to her school gate - holding her hand. Then we would hug and kiss goodbye.. It is something that I want to continue to do till she is older and embarrassed by it.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Milo, the solution is as simple as putting daughter on school bus. Even my bf's father has suggested it. Do I need to suggest something similar to what has been suggested and rejected?
I am not washing my hands off completely. I just thought before I even gave suggestions I should understand why such an arrangement. I later found out why, and on that account I decided to let it be.
I am not washing my hands off completely. I just thought before I even gave suggestions I should understand why such an arrangement. I later found out why, and on that account I decided to let it be.
Hi
I am a 3rd party, child and hd snatcher, manipulative, stupid, distraction and TOW (wht is tht suppose to mean)…the list go on…I am becoming a witch…despised and deserve death…is that how people look at a woman just happen to be in love with a divorced man…I don’t understand…my friends has been telling me why I am so stupid to get involved with a married man, why be a stepmom, why be the third party, my parents have been nagging telling to get proper bf around my age….proper?...what not so proper about my bf?...just because he is divorcee with a kid? To me, I can relate and felt more comfortable with him than those guys around my age. I am equally confused why dating a divorcee can be considered as stupid? I understand what I am in for and I know there will be some complication, which is why I told him I cannot only accept him not after he settle his issue with his wife, the only thing that I did not expect is this emotional issue of the kid and wife. I thought that when you are separated, it’s separated, each will live their own life but this don’t seem to be the case.
I am not manipulative and my bf will not let me manipulate him either, he has a mind of his own, he wouldn’t be at his current position now if he is easily manipulated by others. In fact, the original idea was to have the kid stay with him because he felt his support system and environment is more suitable for the kid but his ex-wife disagreed. He don’t want to push her too far inconsideration of her situation so he relented. However, obviously, she has some problems in taking care of the kid and what I am suggesting is merely his original plan, why accused me of manipulative? I snatched the kid away? I don’t understand, the kid is going to live with her father with more love and care, how cruel can it be? Is It always morally right for a kid to be with her mom after separation and anything less is considered cruel or morally wrong? I made that suggestion because I can see my bf is troubled by it but the decision is of course his. The only wrong thing to you might be it also serves some of my self-interest. I read your arguments and agreed that I should leave the kid alone which is what I am doing initially but his ex-wife started intoxicated the little’s mind and playing underhand tricks on me and make my life difficult. There is a Chinese saying that if people don’t harm me, I will not harm others, if other try to harm me, I will try to harm them. If I am being called an evil woman or manipulative trying to influence the little’s mind then she is equally to blame for but people here seem to be more sympathetic to her just because she is the mother. Yes, people always assume that in divorce case, woman is always the victim that deserve our sympathy but to me if a marriage does not work, it is either all other the victims or neither. She is no Cinderella and I am no stepsister, infact, I am no body, I do not have the power to make her life miserable but she can do that to me. I was told by my bf that she will get all the cash proceed from the flat (abt $300000) and a 40% share in a condo apartment, don’t bomb me, I didn’t interfere in this, was merely told of it, just to show that she is not a helpless or hopeless victim as people will think, in fact, she is much better than alot of us. Will your comment change if I told you the suggestion of bringing the kid over is by one of his friend and not me, then I think it will not get so emotional and I will not be a monster. I know because its me who suggested that cause the commotion, everyone sympathies with the mother (victim) but despise the so called third party. From the beginning till now on the separation issue with his ex-wife, I never interfere and he wont allow to, whatever I know is from him. May be sometime he can sense my insecurity and he will tell me the progress of the issue and whenever he need to attend to his kid or wife, he will give me a phone call, I appreciate his action and understanding, all along I am the passive one when come to the issue between he and his ex-wife.
To me, separation is as good as divorce and I don’t think I am jumping in on the wrong timing, he also showed with his action of moving out of the house, its good enough for me, the other are just legality and formalities. ‘separation does not necessarily lead to divorce’ – yes, I understood this too, that’s why I felt insecure and in dilemma too. In one hand I liked the way he treated his kid and ex-wife because this show he is empathetic and his humanity side, how bad can a man be if he love his kid so much and the way he treated his ex-wife but in the other hand, I wish he can be less sympathetic and hard-heartened toward his wife and to stop whatever communication with her but I know it is quite impossible and I didn’t tell him so, I just have to hope he know what he is doing and do the right things. Although we never talk about marriage (which is too early now) but he understood what I am in for, I am not here for companionship, thus, my ultimate aim (or ulterior motive by some people standard) is to make sure they will not reconcile, I am not shy to said that because I really love him. That’s why I am having this problems and frustration now as his ex-wife seem to have some ulterior motive with all her recent actions. I understand I cant do anything if my bf wanted to go back to his ex-wife but I need to mitigate the risk. I know man hate to be told on how to deal with emotional issue and I can only do it subtlety without him notice, I am trying. Yes, there are lot of what if and may be, but I agreed with Doll, we cannot live life under such situation, I only try to manage or control what I can and leave others to fate.
No offence, Hope, I am don’t think I am a third party or distraction, his marriage was already in trouble before I know him. Yes, may be he only told me selectively about his problem but doesn’t the ex-wife do the same, so who can I trust? I only trust what I see with my own eyes and his actions thus far proved he is a reliable man. I don’t see failure in marriage as a negative point for a man because I understand not all failure are due to fault of man and a lot of times its just an accumulations of factors that cause a marriage to fall apart. I agreed with Doll again that how a man settle the aftermath of a separation show a lot about this man and his character, so far, my bf never disappoint me.
Sorry for the long post although I said I am used to all sort of names calling but it still hurts and I don’t think I deserve all these. I know is human nature to sympathy with the wife but I just like to point out that not all gf of a married/divorced man is to blame and necessary the wicked one.
I am a 3rd party, child and hd snatcher, manipulative, stupid, distraction and TOW (wht is tht suppose to mean)…the list go on…I am becoming a witch…despised and deserve death…is that how people look at a woman just happen to be in love with a divorced man…I don’t understand…my friends has been telling me why I am so stupid to get involved with a married man, why be a stepmom, why be the third party, my parents have been nagging telling to get proper bf around my age….proper?...what not so proper about my bf?...just because he is divorcee with a kid? To me, I can relate and felt more comfortable with him than those guys around my age. I am equally confused why dating a divorcee can be considered as stupid? I understand what I am in for and I know there will be some complication, which is why I told him I cannot only accept him not after he settle his issue with his wife, the only thing that I did not expect is this emotional issue of the kid and wife. I thought that when you are separated, it’s separated, each will live their own life but this don’t seem to be the case.
I am not manipulative and my bf will not let me manipulate him either, he has a mind of his own, he wouldn’t be at his current position now if he is easily manipulated by others. In fact, the original idea was to have the kid stay with him because he felt his support system and environment is more suitable for the kid but his ex-wife disagreed. He don’t want to push her too far inconsideration of her situation so he relented. However, obviously, she has some problems in taking care of the kid and what I am suggesting is merely his original plan, why accused me of manipulative? I snatched the kid away? I don’t understand, the kid is going to live with her father with more love and care, how cruel can it be? Is It always morally right for a kid to be with her mom after separation and anything less is considered cruel or morally wrong? I made that suggestion because I can see my bf is troubled by it but the decision is of course his. The only wrong thing to you might be it also serves some of my self-interest. I read your arguments and agreed that I should leave the kid alone which is what I am doing initially but his ex-wife started intoxicated the little’s mind and playing underhand tricks on me and make my life difficult. There is a Chinese saying that if people don’t harm me, I will not harm others, if other try to harm me, I will try to harm them. If I am being called an evil woman or manipulative trying to influence the little’s mind then she is equally to blame for but people here seem to be more sympathetic to her just because she is the mother. Yes, people always assume that in divorce case, woman is always the victim that deserve our sympathy but to me if a marriage does not work, it is either all other the victims or neither. She is no Cinderella and I am no stepsister, infact, I am no body, I do not have the power to make her life miserable but she can do that to me. I was told by my bf that she will get all the cash proceed from the flat (abt $300000) and a 40% share in a condo apartment, don’t bomb me, I didn’t interfere in this, was merely told of it, just to show that she is not a helpless or hopeless victim as people will think, in fact, she is much better than alot of us. Will your comment change if I told you the suggestion of bringing the kid over is by one of his friend and not me, then I think it will not get so emotional and I will not be a monster. I know because its me who suggested that cause the commotion, everyone sympathies with the mother (victim) but despise the so called third party. From the beginning till now on the separation issue with his ex-wife, I never interfere and he wont allow to, whatever I know is from him. May be sometime he can sense my insecurity and he will tell me the progress of the issue and whenever he need to attend to his kid or wife, he will give me a phone call, I appreciate his action and understanding, all along I am the passive one when come to the issue between he and his ex-wife.
To me, separation is as good as divorce and I don’t think I am jumping in on the wrong timing, he also showed with his action of moving out of the house, its good enough for me, the other are just legality and formalities. ‘separation does not necessarily lead to divorce’ – yes, I understood this too, that’s why I felt insecure and in dilemma too. In one hand I liked the way he treated his kid and ex-wife because this show he is empathetic and his humanity side, how bad can a man be if he love his kid so much and the way he treated his ex-wife but in the other hand, I wish he can be less sympathetic and hard-heartened toward his wife and to stop whatever communication with her but I know it is quite impossible and I didn’t tell him so, I just have to hope he know what he is doing and do the right things. Although we never talk about marriage (which is too early now) but he understood what I am in for, I am not here for companionship, thus, my ultimate aim (or ulterior motive by some people standard) is to make sure they will not reconcile, I am not shy to said that because I really love him. That’s why I am having this problems and frustration now as his ex-wife seem to have some ulterior motive with all her recent actions. I understand I cant do anything if my bf wanted to go back to his ex-wife but I need to mitigate the risk. I know man hate to be told on how to deal with emotional issue and I can only do it subtlety without him notice, I am trying. Yes, there are lot of what if and may be, but I agreed with Doll, we cannot live life under such situation, I only try to manage or control what I can and leave others to fate.
No offence, Hope, I am don’t think I am a third party or distraction, his marriage was already in trouble before I know him. Yes, may be he only told me selectively about his problem but doesn’t the ex-wife do the same, so who can I trust? I only trust what I see with my own eyes and his actions thus far proved he is a reliable man. I don’t see failure in marriage as a negative point for a man because I understand not all failure are due to fault of man and a lot of times its just an accumulations of factors that cause a marriage to fall apart. I agreed with Doll again that how a man settle the aftermath of a separation show a lot about this man and his character, so far, my bf never disappoint me.
Sorry for the long post although I said I am used to all sort of names calling but it still hurts and I don’t think I deserve all these. I know is human nature to sympathy with the wife but I just like to point out that not all gf of a married/divorced man is to blame and necessary the wicked one.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
SM, the wife's reason is not one of bonding but regardless of what reason, I am not against that daughter is sent to school by bf and taken home by his FIL, because like you have said it is bonding time. He enjoys the extra bonding time.
The arrangement was enhanced when he later got the wife to agree to allow daughter to sleep over at his place, so that it is easier for him and her to set off from the same location.
The arrangement was enhanced when he later got the wife to agree to allow daughter to sleep over at his place, so that it is easier for him and her to set off from the same location.
infojunkie
Active Member
lynn,
i've nothing against so-called 3rd party...
i just hope u can see things clearer and not resort to using the kid. she is just a kid.
i've nothing against so-called 3rd party...
i just hope u can see things clearer and not resort to using the kid. she is just a kid.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Milo, the reason is fear. She fears that my bf will get married, have kids with new wife, and neglect daughter.
Are you painting a picture of self-victimization?
No one is saying you deserved death. don't be so drama.
Most of us are just advising you to steer clear of their custody issue. Let him handle since he has a mind of his own.
He has made up his mind to give custody to his wife.. are you not now rocking the boat? His wife may have ulterior motive of wanting the hb back.. but you too, ulterior motive of ensure bf is not going back.
We are not basing you. I don't even want to discuss about 3rd party issue because this is not the main thing for discussion. The issue is the daughter. And the advice is still the same. Play your passive role as you said you are doing.
As for names calling.. you are in for such a relationship - you have to be prepared for it. You can't stop other people and you can only handle it yourself.
I have no particular sympathy for the wife nor going to condemn you. If you take it so personally then it may be wise not to post in public forum. You have to take a page from "Albee" - practise the art of filtering.
No one is saying you deserved death. don't be so drama.
Most of us are just advising you to steer clear of their custody issue. Let him handle since he has a mind of his own.
He has made up his mind to give custody to his wife.. are you not now rocking the boat? His wife may have ulterior motive of wanting the hb back.. but you too, ulterior motive of ensure bf is not going back.
We are not basing you. I don't even want to discuss about 3rd party issue because this is not the main thing for discussion. The issue is the daughter. And the advice is still the same. Play your passive role as you said you are doing.
As for names calling.. you are in for such a relationship - you have to be prepared for it. You can't stop other people and you can only handle it yourself.
I have no particular sympathy for the wife nor going to condemn you. If you take it so personally then it may be wise not to post in public forum. You have to take a page from "Albee" - practise the art of filtering.
small_wish
New Member
lynnlim
Strange, what's wrong with the wife wanting to do anything to get her hb back? Why is it ulterior motive to you when she tries to keep her hb and what you trying to snatch him away is not ulterior motive to you?
No 3rd party will admit they are 3rd party. My hb's TOW till today we are in a mess now still didn't think she does any harm to me/my family and my hb still thinks she is the angel.
Not again, I will be accused of bringing up this topic. But "his marriage was already in trouble before I know him" - true? You know the whole story?
Strange, what's wrong with the wife wanting to do anything to get her hb back? Why is it ulterior motive to you when she tries to keep her hb and what you trying to snatch him away is not ulterior motive to you?
No 3rd party will admit they are 3rd party. My hb's TOW till today we are in a mess now still didn't think she does any harm to me/my family and my hb still thinks she is the angel.
Not again, I will be accused of bringing up this topic. But "his marriage was already in trouble before I know him" - true? You know the whole story?
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"Wife's reason is not important."
Yes, that was why I didn't mention it until I thought Milo said no head no tail to the "no school bus story" haha
To me, it is good enough that my bf looks at it positively and is happy. He even got more bonding time by having the daughter have dinner and sleep over. Frankly, if he were to complain about it I would have looked at him differently.
Yes, that was why I didn't mention it until I thought Milo said no head no tail to the "no school bus story" haha
To me, it is good enough that my bf looks at it positively and is happy. He even got more bonding time by having the daughter have dinner and sleep over. Frankly, if he were to complain about it I would have looked at him differently.
small_wish
New Member
lynnlim
Agree with Shanna. Why are you so sure the kid will be happy with the father and you and not with the mother? Isn't it just another of your own perception to justify the mum is poisoning the kid's mind and she will fare better to be with you, an untrained mother? Or by just by the stories abt the mother's character that your bf told you?
My hb also go around telling his friends and TOW how horrible I am to get into TOW's good books. I also don't understand how horrible I am other than being morally upright or uptight as some forummers claim me to be. I didn't say a divorced person can't look for new partner or re-marry. I just say if you can't handle complicated r/s, don't jump in when things are not fully finalised.
Probably you want to ignore the part on 3rd party or not, but from majority of forummers' advice is stay out of your bf's kid's issue.
Agree with Shanna. Why are you so sure the kid will be happy with the father and you and not with the mother? Isn't it just another of your own perception to justify the mum is poisoning the kid's mind and she will fare better to be with you, an untrained mother? Or by just by the stories abt the mother's character that your bf told you?
My hb also go around telling his friends and TOW how horrible I am to get into TOW's good books. I also don't understand how horrible I am other than being morally upright or uptight as some forummers claim me to be. I didn't say a divorced person can't look for new partner or re-marry. I just say if you can't handle complicated r/s, don't jump in when things are not fully finalised.
Probably you want to ignore the part on 3rd party or not, but from majority of forummers' advice is stay out of your bf's kid's issue.
I read your arguments and agreed that I should leave the kid alone which is what I am doing initially but his ex-wife started intoxicated the little’s mind and playing underhand tricks on me and make my life difficult
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the kid has the right to be there and she has the right to badmouth you to her dad.
she was here before you. she is linked by blood to her dad.
if anything, the kid and the separated wife by default both and individually have more rights than you, unless your bf places your interests above theirs.
it is presumptuous of you to even wonder what could be done with the kid.
like i have said before, i will say it again.
you do not understand or respect the sacred bond between a child and her mother. how dare you even mention separating them. it is not as if the mum is abusing the kid. you - an outsider, step in to think about separating them ... i dont care whether you are paraphrasing anyone else. you are PRESUMPTUOUS to even dare to say it.
how dare you.
phew ... i have given you a piece of my mind. now im happy ...
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the kid has the right to be there and she has the right to badmouth you to her dad.
she was here before you. she is linked by blood to her dad.
if anything, the kid and the separated wife by default both and individually have more rights than you, unless your bf places your interests above theirs.
it is presumptuous of you to even wonder what could be done with the kid.
like i have said before, i will say it again.
you do not understand or respect the sacred bond between a child and her mother. how dare you even mention separating them. it is not as if the mum is abusing the kid. you - an outsider, step in to think about separating them ... i dont care whether you are paraphrasing anyone else. you are PRESUMPTUOUS to even dare to say it.
how dare you.
phew ... i have given you a piece of my mind. now im happy ...
if your bf loves you with a sensible and mature love, nothing a small kid says to him will alienate him from you.
you are insane to try to intervene about the 'impact' the kid will have on your relationship with your bf. he is an adult, not as if he doesn't know how to think.
this is not a healthy relationship because you do not know how to think right towards the kid and her mum, and you do not have the right perspective about your bf.
not a good match, not because he is a divorcee per se, but because you are a very immature person
grow up pls
you are insane to try to intervene about the 'impact' the kid will have on your relationship with your bf. he is an adult, not as if he doesn't know how to think.
this is not a healthy relationship because you do not know how to think right towards the kid and her mum, and you do not have the right perspective about your bf.
not a good match, not because he is a divorcee per se, but because you are a very immature person
grow up pls
sundownprince
New Member
what he did to his ex wife he is capable of doing to you too.. just bear tt in mind.
you do not understand or respect the sacred bond between a child and her mother. how dare you even mention separating them. it is not as if the mum is abusing the kid. you - an outsider, step in to think about separating them ... i dont care whether you are paraphrasing anyone else. you are PRESUMPTUOUS to even dare to say it.
how dare you.
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i like this.
yes, a mother n a child hv a very special bond, something that the father can nvr hv with the child, that's the """reward""" of being pregnant for 10mths.lynn, u r not a mother yet, u will not understand. dont mention abt seperating the mother n child thru custody, i miss my girl as long as she is out of my sight.
how dare you.
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i like this.
yes, a mother n a child hv a very special bond, something that the father can nvr hv with the child, that's the """reward""" of being pregnant for 10mths.lynn, u r not a mother yet, u will not understand. dont mention abt seperating the mother n child thru custody, i miss my girl as long as she is out of my sight.
miloice
Well-Known Member
What names may I ask have you been called? My advise is simple. Think in the shoes of the kid. Would you want to be removed and prevented from seeing your own mother? And would you appreciate that? Even if your bf is thinking of doing that, as a HUMAN, wouldn't you highlight to him the impact it has on his child?? Or would you conveniently agree or even encourage him without feeling anything much simply because he had the idea. Not you? ASK YOUR HEART.
A manipulative person will hardly see themselves that way. We all have our own reasons. Ask yourself honestly, no need excuses or any bullshit. Are these reasons more for yourself than the kid? Just as you perceive her mother as not suitable to care for the kid. Have you even wondered what the wife is thinking? Does she think you make a good step mother for her daughter?
Your reasoning thus far is focus on only your reasons. Is it so difficult to try and understand the situation from views of others involved? Realize that what you are trying to influence your bf in doing is directly impacting the kid and mother. Yes, its nasty but their reactions is completely understandable. Its part of your decision to be with your bf.
And lastly, if you are not used to being called names, seriously u need to learn to accept that. Surely, it will come. This is a fact. Others will talk, gosship and condemn. It just isn't happening here in the forum.
A manipulative person will hardly see themselves that way. We all have our own reasons. Ask yourself honestly, no need excuses or any bullshit. Are these reasons more for yourself than the kid? Just as you perceive her mother as not suitable to care for the kid. Have you even wondered what the wife is thinking? Does she think you make a good step mother for her daughter?
Your reasoning thus far is focus on only your reasons. Is it so difficult to try and understand the situation from views of others involved? Realize that what you are trying to influence your bf in doing is directly impacting the kid and mother. Yes, its nasty but their reactions is completely understandable. Its part of your decision to be with your bf.
And lastly, if you are not used to being called names, seriously u need to learn to accept that. Surely, it will come. This is a fact. Others will talk, gosship and condemn. It just isn't happening here in the forum.
small_wish
New Member
you do not understand or respect the sacred bond between a child and her mother. how dare you even mention separating them. it is not as if the mum is abusing the kid. you - an outsider, step in to think about separating them ... i dont care whether you are paraphrasing anyone else. you are PRESUMPTUOUS to even dare to say it.
how dare you.
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I like this too.
The bond between a mum and the kid is special and unbreakable. No one can break it, even how bad the mum is or how much you bad-mouth her. If not,why the court award custody to most mums?
Please if you want, take the man, not the kid away from the wife.
Haha, I am learning to be naughty and more cheerful now. You want you take the man lah, don't take the kid. And please stop thinking "his ex-wife started intoxicated the little’s mind". The kid will naturally think you are evil snatching away her daddy from her mummy, don't need her mum to teach her. You want to win her over not by snatching her away from her mum and also "intoxicating" her with your own ideals, but you have to spend time to gradually win her over. Over time thru' your sincerity as her daddy's new partner, not thru underhands means as well. Only time can tell your sincerity. Not point keep bad-mouthing about her mother. Why should the kid listens to you that you are better than her natural mum or that she will be more loved with you?
how dare you.
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I like this too.
The bond between a mum and the kid is special and unbreakable. No one can break it, even how bad the mum is or how much you bad-mouth her. If not,why the court award custody to most mums?
Please if you want, take the man, not the kid away from the wife.
Haha, I am learning to be naughty and more cheerful now. You want you take the man lah, don't take the kid. And please stop thinking "his ex-wife started intoxicated the little’s mind". The kid will naturally think you are evil snatching away her daddy from her mummy, don't need her mum to teach her. You want to win her over not by snatching her away from her mum and also "intoxicating" her with your own ideals, but you have to spend time to gradually win her over. Over time thru' your sincerity as her daddy's new partner, not thru underhands means as well. Only time can tell your sincerity. Not point keep bad-mouthing about her mother. Why should the kid listens to you that you are better than her natural mum or that she will be more loved with you?
Junkie, yeah... lynn's recent thoughts are driving herself nuts, as much as she is pinpointing it on the child and mother. that's what i am driving at. she should focus on the r/s with the bf instead - just do the usual stuffs rather than delivering 'revengeful messages' thru the poor child.
the child would surely be affected by all the confusion and indirectly becomes hostile towards lynn, but i am still of the opinion that delibrately Avoiding the child does not place her in a better light either. the child's young mind absorbs inputs (ie.from the mother) like a sponge but what can lynn do, other than coping with it?
Lynn,
u should learn that there are certain opinions out there that are not favourable on our own actions. well, you mentioned that you're used to the name-calls from people but it doesn't mean that every single soul in this world is condemning you. i think you are just livid to be reading the same opinions coming from other 'victims'. if you couldn't even cope with this - a fact of life - you are indeed only speaking from your own perspective as indicated by some forummers. since when that every one of us is sympathising the wife?
you are sorta defensive but it's not just abt you and your perception on the best possible outcome. the bf, the child, her mother are in it as well.
the child would surely be affected by all the confusion and indirectly becomes hostile towards lynn, but i am still of the opinion that delibrately Avoiding the child does not place her in a better light either. the child's young mind absorbs inputs (ie.from the mother) like a sponge but what can lynn do, other than coping with it?
Lynn,
u should learn that there are certain opinions out there that are not favourable on our own actions. well, you mentioned that you're used to the name-calls from people but it doesn't mean that every single soul in this world is condemning you. i think you are just livid to be reading the same opinions coming from other 'victims'. if you couldn't even cope with this - a fact of life - you are indeed only speaking from your own perspective as indicated by some forummers. since when that every one of us is sympathising the wife?
you are sorta defensive but it's not just abt you and your perception on the best possible outcome. the bf, the child, her mother are in it as well.
small_wish
New Member
yes, like what Milo said and what I keep stressing, you are bound to be called names since you jumped in before the final divorce. Didn't I keep stressing that it will be much simpler for you to handle if you jump in after the divorce? Whether you think you are 3rd party or not, but you do play a part in the separation/divorce, since you have loved in long before the separation process.
Again, don't mind me be lor so, you are immature to handle this r/s and the kid.
Again, don't mind me be lor so, you are immature to handle this r/s and the kid.
sundownprince
New Member
lynn... be fair to yourself and rethink the r/s. three females fighting for the attention of 1 guy!
infojunkie
Active Member
vios,
but i dun trust her enough to not worry abt the little girl leh...
ok, keeping my fingers crossed...
but i dun trust her enough to not worry abt the little girl leh...
ok, keeping my fingers crossed...
Hope
i appreciate your side of the story - but it's futile to continuously comment that Lynn should step in only after the divorce.
yes she is involved with the bf right now but it seems to me that you're instigating others to jump on the bandwagon that she is somewhat responsible for their separation/divorce process. despite your personal experience and such - i think you're being too presumptuous in this case.
looks like you're just delivering some sort of message for your own agenda, that's all.
i appreciate your side of the story - but it's futile to continuously comment that Lynn should step in only after the divorce.
yes she is involved with the bf right now but it seems to me that you're instigating others to jump on the bandwagon that she is somewhat responsible for their separation/divorce process. despite your personal experience and such - i think you're being too presumptuous in this case.
looks like you're just delivering some sort of message for your own agenda, that's all.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Lynn,
allow me to share my personal family story with you. I hated and fought with my Dad. I saw him as the sinner and villian that hurt the family.
I even encouraged my mum to divorce him. But, my father loves me. Despite how I hit and chased him away, he never stopped loving me. Through all kind of little ways, he tried to connect with me. And I would exploit his kindness and concerns for me by making him pay for my expenses etc.
But, as I grow up and stayed with my mum, I slowly started to understand the difficulty my dad was under. My mum is truly a very difficult woman with many issues.
Nothing changed my love for my mother still. But, I started to understand and appreciate him more. Just when our relationship was improving, he left us suddenly. And I miss him very much. Throughout, both my parents has shown me what a parent's love is. This is despite how imperfect they are. They have made many mistakes but it will never change the love we shared.
A divorce will definitely affect the children. Most would not have the maturity to handle it. And they will take sides. There is nothing to fear about poisoning their minds. My mum said really bad things of my father throughout. But, I have the heart to feel the sincerity and love. And the eyes to recognize my mum's issues.
Children will grow up. They will learn the lessons... You cannot teach her the lesson by pulling her away from her mother. This is such a stupid and naive thinking. It doesn't matter if your bf's or your idea. Its really stupid. And if you cannot even realize that, it really reflects on your lack of maturity. I'm telling you all these not to condemn you but to share the light of what the children are going thr. I fought with my dad since young till I finally kicked him out when I was 22. I couldn't wait for him to get out of our lives.
allow me to share my personal family story with you. I hated and fought with my Dad. I saw him as the sinner and villian that hurt the family.
I even encouraged my mum to divorce him. But, my father loves me. Despite how I hit and chased him away, he never stopped loving me. Through all kind of little ways, he tried to connect with me. And I would exploit his kindness and concerns for me by making him pay for my expenses etc.
But, as I grow up and stayed with my mum, I slowly started to understand the difficulty my dad was under. My mum is truly a very difficult woman with many issues.
Nothing changed my love for my mother still. But, I started to understand and appreciate him more. Just when our relationship was improving, he left us suddenly. And I miss him very much. Throughout, both my parents has shown me what a parent's love is. This is despite how imperfect they are. They have made many mistakes but it will never change the love we shared.
A divorce will definitely affect the children. Most would not have the maturity to handle it. And they will take sides. There is nothing to fear about poisoning their minds. My mum said really bad things of my father throughout. But, I have the heart to feel the sincerity and love. And the eyes to recognize my mum's issues.
Children will grow up. They will learn the lessons... You cannot teach her the lesson by pulling her away from her mother. This is such a stupid and naive thinking. It doesn't matter if your bf's or your idea. Its really stupid. And if you cannot even realize that, it really reflects on your lack of maturity. I'm telling you all these not to condemn you but to share the light of what the children are going thr. I fought with my dad since young till I finally kicked him out when I was 22. I couldn't wait for him to get out of our lives.
small_wish
New Member
vios
I am asking her to accept whatever consequences from the decision she makes to jump in. She should have foreseen all these name calling.
I am asking her to accept whatever consequences from the decision she makes to jump in. She should have foreseen all these name calling.
small_wish
New Member
vios
didn't I say if she wants, just take the man, but don't take the kid from the wife?
So I am in tandem with the rest of you with regards to matters of the kid. The rest on the 3rd party matter, she can ignore me if she refuses to acknowledge the fact.
didn't I say if she wants, just take the man, but don't take the kid from the wife?
So I am in tandem with the rest of you with regards to matters of the kid. The rest on the 3rd party matter, she can ignore me if she refuses to acknowledge the fact.
junkie,
i suppose that's where we geniunely step in and hopefully, it will not become claustrophobic. i'm quite certain that the bf has been appreciative of Lynn's presence as and when they are with the child, but he certainly will be pissed off with the psycho-ing part. that's what Lynn should avoid.
i suppose that's where we geniunely step in and hopefully, it will not become claustrophobic. i'm quite certain that the bf has been appreciative of Lynn's presence as and when they are with the child, but he certainly will be pissed off with the psycho-ing part. that's what Lynn should avoid.
small_wish
New Member
Maybe I am very morally upright/uptight that I think we should forsee consequences for all our action. Likewise, to be involved with married man, there are consequences and mess and problems. Aren't all these showing in the name calling and the manipulation of the kid?
People can continue their lovey dovey, but please don't just think about love between the bf-gf, must think about those around them too, like the wife and the kid. Should be responsible to all and not only concern about the love between bf-gf.
People can continue their lovey dovey, but please don't just think about love between the bf-gf, must think about those around them too, like the wife and the kid. Should be responsible to all and not only concern about the love between bf-gf.
Hope
yes she should... i think she is trying to cope with it, at times being too defensive to see the overall picture. but what's the point of reiterating your "morally-correct" opinion? nothing helpful but only inciting her reactions to your constant pinpointing.
pls hor... don't even get me started on your latter comment: "if she wants, just take the man, but don't take the kid from the wife".
sorry, it only tells me that it is an extension of the mudslinging. sort of hypocritical after all the big moral talks.
yes she should... i think she is trying to cope with it, at times being too defensive to see the overall picture. but what's the point of reiterating your "morally-correct" opinion? nothing helpful but only inciting her reactions to your constant pinpointing.
pls hor... don't even get me started on your latter comment: "if she wants, just take the man, but don't take the kid from the wife".
sorry, it only tells me that it is an extension of the mudslinging. sort of hypocritical after all the big moral talks.
small_wish
New Member
vios
Ok lor, I stop here. Enough of my moral education.
Ok lor, I stop here. Enough of my moral education.
Lynn
Have you ever spare a thought for yourself too? Since you are already so stress up having this relation now, did you think about the future? As long as his ex-wife is still breathing, his daughter is still breathing, you will continue to be bothered by many issues that might not appear now but appear later. If you can't handle your situaion now, what about in the future?
Btw, doesn't mean that your bf will not return back to his ex-wife after you both marry one another. No one can predict his/her future, so I hope that you just drop the idea of 'making use' of the little girl to get your way.
Have you ever spare a thought for yourself too? Since you are already so stress up having this relation now, did you think about the future? As long as his ex-wife is still breathing, his daughter is still breathing, you will continue to be bothered by many issues that might not appear now but appear later. If you can't handle your situaion now, what about in the future?
Btw, doesn't mean that your bf will not return back to his ex-wife after you both marry one another. No one can predict his/her future, so I hope that you just drop the idea of 'making use' of the little girl to get your way.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Is it true that divorced women with children are less attractive than divorced men with children? Is it because local men do not like to "inherit" another man's children?
I have some divorced girlfriends with children who are lamenting that they are "passed over".....
I have some divorced girlfriends with children who are lamenting that they are "passed over".....