My bf's daugther........

L

lynnlim71

New Member
Hi

I knew my bf when he is my boss and worked very closely together as I am his assistant, sometime travelling together overseas for businesses. He is a very understanding, caring and mature person. I felt very happy and loved together with him. I knew he was married when I first joined the company and he also never hide from me that he is a married man. I also knew he has some family problems from my colleagues. He has a daughter of 5 yrs old. He also used to tell me his problem with his wife when we are together. I understand that his wife is a very suspicious and temperamental person and they get into quarrel and fight very often. He told me his life is like a living death, nothing to look forward to and told me that he is thinking of divorcing his wife. I just listened although I sympathised with him. He has been married for 7 years. I have seem her behaviour before once when we went to pick up his daughter and the wife saw me in the car, she was like a mad woman shouting and pulling my bf, she even came forward to the car and hit on the window until my bf pull her away. After one year, we are very close but I never accepted him because he is still married. Only beginning of this year when he has moved out of the house and is processing the separation paper that I accepted him as my bf. He is preparing to let his daughter to stay with his wife and to see his daughter twice a month. I get along well with his daughter. However, recently, whenever the daughter came over, she will always tell my bf that she missed him and want him to go back to stay with her and her mother. She will tell my bf how sad is her mother and she cried everyday. Her attitude towards me also changes as I can sense the hostility towards me. It was not like that initially and we get a long very well, I even carried, hug her and she even slept in my arms sometime. I know my bf love his daughter very much and I also trying my best to treat her as my own and to build up the relationship with her. I suspect her mother is poisoning her mind about me and instigating her to ask my bf to go back to her. How can a 5 yrs old changed so suddenly and said such things like adults?

Last weekend, I tried to explain to her the situation and told her that her parents will never be together again because they love each other anymore. However, that doesn’t means her father don’t love her anymore and I will try my best to love her too. She suddenly told me that her mother told her I am a bad woman that breakaway their family. I am shock that how can her mother said such thing to a kid to poison her mind and this also confirm my doubt that she is the one behind all this. I never once talk anything bad about her mother and why she did this to me? My bf wanted to scold her after hearing what she said but I stopped him. I was thinking how best to win over her so that my bf will not feel bad every time together with her and making everyone not in the right mood to go out, shall I also try to ‘poison’ her mind? Am I fighting a losing battle here or should I ask my bf to fight for the custody of his daughter? I am 23 and have not much parenting experience but I do hope to treat her like my own to make things easy for my bf.
 


You can't stop the ex-wife in saying whatever she wants to HER kid. On your part, just continue to be nice to the kid as much as you can. But don't expect the kid to accept or love you back, if she does, it's a bonus.
 
you are still young. u r not ready to take care of his daughter yet. i still feel that there's nothing compared to a natural motherly love. u can never replaced her mother in her heart
 
She has a mind of her own. Let her grow up and realise things herself. No point trying to implant ideas to her else you are just doing the same as the mother. Do you know what you are getting into? Don expect it to be a breeze. It will be hard for the child to understand and respect her parents divorce. It will take time for her to grow up. Meanwhile, there is nothing you can really do to 'fix' her. She is not broken to begin with. Children are naturally affected. Something you must be prepared to live with. It is part of what it comes with your selection. He continues to be the father of his child. Its tough. You need all the sincerity and patience. Do you have what it takes. Go figure.
 
You should to the opposite.

You should say only good things about the daughter's mother. That she is in a difficult situation and the daughter has to be good to her mother.
 
sorry but i dont find tt there is anything wrong with the mum doing tt. i mean, ok maybe she is wrong abt saying u r a bad woman who break up their family. but no matter what, the child is still hers, not yours. and i find it very natural for her to do it. afterall, u cannot deny that u r indirectly, a third party.
just do your part n treat her well, dont tell her this n that abt her mother, bcos after all, tt is her mother. n tt poor child. imagine both of u poisoning her mind. she's only 5 u know, she will be growing up feeling so confused.
and i hope u dont ask your bf to fight custody cos it will only make the child miserable.
no matter how "bad" her mum's temper is, she is still her mother and nth u do can replace her nor change tt fact.
just live with it.
in the future, when u hv your kids, can u be sure u will still love her the same? maybe u would prefer her to be with her own mother by then. JMHO, no offence to u.
 
This "sorry but i dont find tt there is anything wrong with the mum doing tt." and "ok maybe she is wrong abt saying u r a bad woman who break up their family." is actually contradicting.

I do understand where you are coming from. The wife's behavior is understandable. But, it doesn't become the right thing to do. Adults should not influence the kids to take sides. It adds a lot of stress and destroys the relationship with the other parent. Implanting hatred that would affect the kids character development. It is already difficult and confusing for the kid. Adults should not make it worser for them. They are not objects to achieve our personal objectives to revenge or spite our ex partners.

Think of the true interest of the kid. I agree with sm's suggestion. Should think of how to make it easier for the kid instead.
 
milo, yup understand it is contradicting. =P but right now, i guess she also dont know if the kid is acting on her own thoughts or whether the mother is poisoning her..
i mean, she is 5, she sees her daddy moves out n no longer tgt with mummy but with this "auntie", what would she feel? that this "auntie" is snatching my dad? i mean she wont understand tt feelings will change n so on til she is much older too right?
IMO, i find tt, even if the mother is really wrong in "poisoning" her child's mind, there isnt really anything anyone can do abt it too, unless someone can 开导 the mother n stop her from doing it. im not saying it is right for her to do it, but like i mention, it is quite natural for most mothers/wives to do it. i guess not all women is tt noble/大方.
JMHO.
happy.gif
 
yes, i completely agree and understand on that. This is one challenge TS needs to realize over her decision to be with her bf. He continues to be a divorce father with a confused 4 yr old child that is struggling to cope with the reality of it all.
 
i think the best way is to avoid any contact with the little girl.

dun stick ard and let her spend time alone with dad... afterall, they only got to see each other twice a month
happy.gif
 
Understandable and "natural" does not mean right. Putting "negative" ideas into young children is really self-defeating.. not good for the long term development of the child. Mother, understandably is selfish and want to be possessive of her child. But she is only 50% of the parental relationship.

It is not a matter of being noble but a matter for the long term psychological health of the children. Children growing up in a well-love environment - if you look at it positive.. now in addition to the mother and father - there is the additional love of the aunty. Won't it be great. 3 presents on birthday. 3 christmas presents.. Everything is extra.. why can't it be a positive experience for the child given the circumstances?

I am assuming that the marriage is beyond repair. The next best thing for the child is for the parents to remain on friendly terms and be great parents to the child. And they should help the new her accept the new mother so that the child can receive even more love.

I may sound so "un-natural" but that is what I observed. Most parents don't think of the ultimate interest of the child caught in between.
 
junkie,

Let her spend time alone with dad should just be an interim measure.. she still need to face up to the acceptance of another woman in dad's life..

I believe there is no harm to stick together especially since the child is still young. Once the child is 9 or 10, it become increasingly difficult and when it hit the teens - almost an impossibility till they are adults and mature in thinking.
 
say only good and positive things about the mother.

as an adult, you must condition the child to think right and act right not only towards yourself but also to her parents. don't ever become a screwed up adult who is nothing but a bad influence.

when you act right towards the child, the child will also grow up to be upright.

do some good, ok? have a virtous cycle not a vicious cycle.

you are only 23. are you sure you are ready for such a relationship? seems quite heavy-going to me.

in general, i dislike the stepchildren who have entered my sphere.

my brother's girlfriend has a child from her previous marriage and he is a brat with poor upbringing. the girlfriend's own family (her own parents and siblings) treats the boy like a little emperor, in an effort to 'compensate' him for her divorce. this cause him to become spoilt and really started to believe that everyone around him is his slave.

i encountered him a few times and have a very bad impression of him. through his unbearable, constantly bratty behaviour, he poses as a real nuisance in my brother's relationship. he is a pest who thinks he is a king, and is from our (my brother and my) perspective better not to have existed. but well, he was here first before my brother. so i guess i should be encouraging my brother to end the relationship instead.
 
@sm

of cos it's temporary, we can't be sure that TS & bf will definitely get married someday...

btw, the new woman in dad's life does not necessarily need to play the role of a parent to her partner's kid(s)... just my opinion
happy.gif
 
Yes, not absolutely necessary to play a parent role.. but still it is an "aunty" role.

If there is a chance to develop good relationship, it has when the child is young.. when the child is already 9 or 10, going to be extremely difficult.
 
Junkie, I don't quite agree that TS should completely try and avoid the kid. Relationships take time to build and bond. TS probably cannot force it upon the kid. And it cannot be rushed. It will take a long time and patience for it. I'm sure the bf would really appreciate the acceptance of his kid over his relationship.
 
May,

Yes, I do agree with your observations of step-children.. but not all... they are basically a reflection of how they are treated.

Spoilt brat? Because the parent gave them too much leeway - to compensate for the broken marriage? And also possibly possessive parents breeding such spoilt character.

As parents we have to be role-models and exemplary in our conduct and behaviour.
 
junkie,

that is the problem of the mommy that is not going her child any good.

Yes, in the short-term to avoid conflicts.. contact can be minimize.. but is still needs to be resolve if the daddy is going to have a new aunty for her..
 
junkie,

Of course we can't do anything. Or maybe introduce the mother to me.. I will "open her mind" - like I did with many of my friends (divorced-single mother)
 
the brat intentionally screamed in the car while my brother was driving and started to thrash about his seat. my brother got distracted and hit the pillar as he reversed while distracted.

he slapped the dog shared by my brother and his gf (the dog lives with the gf) because of my brother's share in the dog.

does that sound like a devil to you, tell me?

makes me angry just to describe it
 
When a kid is a brat, part of it for sure its with the kids natural traits, but a fairly big part of the responsibility lies with the parents.

So, one has to figure out. Is it just the kid's traits for being playful and notti in nature or has the environment influenced the behavior?
 
I don't think brat is "born" as it is in the genes. More of the environmental factors..

Hyper-active yes.. probably genetic.. but does not equate spoilt brat.
 
yah.... its probably contributing to it. But, its always a combination of many factors. The brat is only an outcome of all these reasons.

We should be looking at the reasons for the corrective solution instead of condemning the child.
 
Hi


I understand one thing in relationship is to love what your man love esp regarding abt their parents and kids, never put them in a difficult position as to choose between you and them. I understand the difficulty of being a stepmom but I am willing to try out og my love for him. I am not a noble woman and I would also like to have my own kids and family. I ever asked him whether he can live without his daughter but he instead asked me whether I can accept her as my own. He told me he didn't insist the daughter to stay with him because he don't want to take everything away from his wife but he ever told his wife tht if there is a time the child become a burden to her happiness, he is willing to take back the kid. So, I cannot make him choose (I am tempted sometime but I know the consequences) but to try to get along with his kid.


Talking something gd abt the mum? I don't know I can be tht noble, it may aggravate her behaviour towards me and further imprint in her mind tht I am tht BAD woman. Tht's why I was thinking of getting her over to stay with my bf and away from the bad influence of her mum while she is still young.Anyway her mum is working and she is in childcare, its best for her to stay with my bf's parents since she has not much time for her. At least she will have a 'normal' family unit to grow up with which will be gd for her development. I am also afraid she will be a spoil child if I will have takecare of her next time as I can see my bf is pampering her too much by buying toys or games or the things she like.
 
The idea of taking the kid away from the parent is likely to make matters worser. Please do think from the kids pov. Not just what you or your bf thinks is good for the kid.

Use more empathy than your own ideas on what is right and good. Human relationships work this way. Not with logic and manipulation of others. Frankly, your last post clearly indicates you are not ready for this at all. You have totally no idea what it takes to handle the kid. And you just want to plan it your way and think its the best.
 
Lynn,

===============================================
Tht's why I was thinking of getting her over to stay with my bf and away from the bad influence of her mum while she is still young.
===============================================

do you realise that you are a monster to even consider snatching a child from her mother.

or is it that you lack the maturity in life to appreciate the sacred bond between her mother and her child.

seriously, i suspect you lack the maturity to handle this relationship. it is too complicated for you.
 
Lynn,

also, in some things, do not try so hard.

sometimes when you ignore a person and leave her alone, she will go off to self-reflect as there is no response from you she could act on.

if you find that you cannot endure the child's behaviour, try ignoring. try withholding warmth and friendliness. this will provoke a child to think instead of to react.

you have to be more subtle than just trying to be nice all the time.
 

Tht's why I was thinking of getting her over to stay with my bf and away from the bad influence of her mum while she is still young.

I am just speechless..
 
well, maybe the mother is right. You are really an evil woman to even think about this.. or you are just plainly naive?

The custody problem is between them. They have settled it. What gives you the right to alter that? Not that the mother would agree. Or even your bf.
 
Anyway, I don't think its anything noble about saying good things about her mother to the kid. Its simply the more effective way to build the relationship. When one say they are not noble enough for that. In effect, they are actually not wise enough to see beyond. i.e. lack of foresight and EQ. Basically, narrow minded and only seeing the immediate picture and emotions.

SM, I was just mentioning the Singaporean mentality and education. Once again, the one track mind.
 
poor daughter. =( love/care = to pull her away from the woman she loves most in the world. even though you are not the third party when they were married but if you were not around maybe he wouldn't have divorced? have you seen it from the wife's pov?
 
I am surprised tht I am being called evil woman and other names because I thght I am the innocent party here? I am not the one who poisoned the little child's mind and never said anything bad abt her mom to influence her, I have the utmost sincerity to care and love her. Well, I am used to beibg called names, his wife has called me all sorts of names and sadly tht include some of my colleagues/friends.


I suggested bringing her over to my bf's parent is really because she got no time for the kid, anyway, my bf is her father too, hw can I being called evil for tht? There are a few times tht the kid is sick and the childcare center wanted the parents to take her back to see doctor, its always my bf who did it bcos she can't make it due to work. Surely your kid is much impt than your work. There are also time tht it way passed the closing time of the center and she still not there to pick her up, again my bf or his parents are there to help. She is under medication for depression for the past few mths and I am afraid tht the kid will suffer with her. I have told my bf abt the idea and we have valid grounds to fight for her custody. My bf is afraid tht if we take away the kid, her depression might worsen but I told him we must think first for the welfare of the kid not the adult. I just have the interest of the kid at heart and nothing evil abt it.


Yes, sometimes I felt frustrated because the kid tend to call my bf quite often and he will put down whtever he is doing to talk/calm/sayang her becos she will always said she missed him and wanted him to come home. I don't know whether its her mom who want her to do tht but I think its best for her to stay with my bf. Am I wrong?


I know I have no experience in handling kid but I am willing to learn and try my best, isn't all new mom are like tht.
 
told u oredi... just stay away from the kid.

how difficult can this be?

or u think the little girl is capable of poisoning ur bf's mind?


"Am I fighting a losing battle here or should I ask my bf to fight for the custody of his daughter"
 
If you genuinely want to help and your bf really loves her daughter (I have no doubts), then it shouldn't be a case of trying to take advantage of the situation and get the custody.

Yes, the mother may be busy with work and she may not be able to fetch her from the child-care all the time - what you and your bf and his family can do is to help to take turns to fetch her from the child-care.. is it that difficult?

If your bf genuinely want to have custody, ask him to talk to his wife calmly. Discuss what is best for the daughter in the long term - short-term wise, help the mother whenever possible.

You think you know what is best for the little girl? Trying removing it from her mother. Yes, the mother is possessive (and which mother is not), and she may not be in the right frame of mind - about losing a hb, all the more further actions is to calm her down and further aggravate the situation.

I can't imagine the scenario in which the little girl is forcibly taken from the mother.

YOu are not the innocent party if you want to get involved with the custody of the child. You will be seen as evil because you have already taken her hb and now you are going to take her child away.

Yes, you may have good intentions. But think. If the mother is depressed and not happy, you think how the child will be? Happy in your arms and your bf - away from the mother? The mother needs help as well. And please, let your bf handle the custody issue with the wife in a calm manner. Don't get yourself involve.

In the short-term, stay away from the kid.. If you genuinely want to help, then help your bf to fetch her when the mother can't.
 
Hi, Junkie

It's a wild guess or you can see my insecurity? Yes, as much as people worried abt me poisoning the little one, I have much to fear the other way round. As I said, my bf love this little kid a lot and I was afraid he will waiver under her relentless 'missed you' attack and decided to go back to his wife. Its very clever of his wife to limit him to twice a week to see the kid as this will make my bf dote on the kid even more due to guilt and she will also create opportunity for them to meet now and then to tentalise him plus those frequent phone call. This pull and lose method really work on him. Of course, this is just my guessing. If possible, I would like him to completely cut off all contact with his ex-wife but this is impossible with the kid around, not for the next 5-10 yrs till the kid is older.

His wife know my bf very well and know his weak spot since they have been long time sweet heart before their marriage. I only know him abt 2 yrs and I am not sure to wht extend he love me to withstand the pull of his daughter or family. I can see he is sometime troubled or felt frustrated after talking to the little one, I am afraid the kid is affecting my relationship with my bf and not the other way round.

I admit I am partially selfish in wanting to bring this little one over but I cannot leave her alone becos she is part of the solution.
 
I can see it clearly.. I just want you to say out. And now what is the motive of having the child over?

So that he won't be going back to his wife...

But think further along.. if you relationship with your bf is not strong.. it won't take this child to break your relationship. There are still many years ahead and many things to break you up.

Work on your relationship with your bf and leave the child alone. You are as evil as the mother who poisoned her mind. You are just using the little gal as a pawn to win your man.
 
lynn, i dont think u r ready for this "type" of relationship yet. do u know it is very cruel to actually take the child away from her mother just bcos of your own insecurity n selfishness. n it is to both mum n kid. im a mother myself, n i can NVR imagine how bad it would be if one fine day my ex comes over with his future wife/gf tryin to snatch my girl from me. (even though we part on mutual terms)
trust me, a woman can lose her man, but nvr her child. u cant blame her for being too held up at work or not able to fetch her girl off at times. its not tt her child is not as impt as her work, sometimes u cant help it. not like she has 100days of leave a yr. sometimes i cant take AL myself, n need my family to help out too.

IMO, if your r/s is strong with your bf, u dont hv to wry abt his ex wife trying to use her child to win him back. n neither shld u make use of this poor child to keep your bf with u.
i m starting to agree with junkie n SM, just leave the kid alone. let your BF handle the divorce and custody proceedings.
it is good that u can accept n love her as your own, but not to the extent of taking away her mother from her. something u must understand, u cannot nvr replace her mother.

JMHO.
happy.gif
 
Parenting is a joint responsibility unless one party decides to give up voluntarily. One parent not being able to 100% take care of the child - when she has custody - does not give the other party grounds to "fight" for custody.

Custody is not the prize to be won. If the interest of the child is the most important - then despite the custody, whoever can help to take care when the other party is not able to should chip in to help - rather than use it as a reason to take the child away.

And definitely not as a pawn to be "won" so that the battle can be won.

Yes, you may not be really "evil". But you are just selfish and you are just not having the real interest of the child in your mind.
 
Lynn, u r not evil nor innocent. Just plainly naive. You have no idea what it takes to be a parent. And your ideas of how to protect the kid from the evil and bad influence of her mother clearly point that out.

As advised, use empathy. Attempt to think in her shoes to understand what it is like for a kid to go through all these. You need to connect with her on that level to really bond the relationship. Else, your attempts are just not going to be effective and most likely making matters worser.
 


lynnlim
I am speaking from the perspective of the wife of a betrayed hb. You are only 23, right? Looking thru your posts, I do not think you are mature enough to handle this r/s with your bf and his daughter.

Even tho' you don't see yourself as the 3rd party, you are in fact the 3rd party. They are in the midst of separation, not divorce. Who says there is no chance of reconciliation? Why you so happily accept the r/s? You are not them, you don't really know what has gone wrong in their r/s and whether there is a chance for reconciliation. Your bf may not have told you everything abt their problems or may have told you selectively. In a way, since you accepted the r/s before the official divorce, you sampen the chance for reconciliation and play a part in the eventual divorce. So you have to admit you are the TOW.

Secondly, you are still young and you don't have kids. You don't understand the pains of a mother. You have already "snatched" the hb, why do you want to snatch the kid from the wife, further causing more depression of the wife? What makes you think the wife is poisoning the kid's thinking and you will be better to educate and "clean" her mind? What right do you have to snatch the kid from her mum? And if you insist on the r/s with your b/f, since your b/f is only seeing her 2x a mth, why can't you just leave the kid with her dad during these 2x a mth session? Why you bother to get your hb to fight for custody of the kid, causing more stress in the poor kid and adding stress to yourself thinking how to be a mother to her? Why load the adults' problems on the poor kid? Why manipulate her thinking based on what you think you are right and her mum is wrong? How wrong can a mum to her own kid?

You said you are not so noble as to talk good things abt the mum to the kid. But kids will love their mums naturually, we don't need the TOW to tell the kids how good are we. Since you are not noble to talk good things abt the mum, are you contradicting yourself saying the mum tells the kid evil things abt you thus "poisoning" her mind? Since you cannot be noble, how do you expect the mum to be noble when her hb has been snatched by you?

Sorry for being too emotional and don't mean to be harsh. I tried to stay calm reading your posts, but it brings back bad memories of my problem, where the TOW not knowing what's went wrong in the hb-wife r/s jump into the r/s thinking she is the saviour to my hb, causing more complication in our already bruised r/s. What I don't understand is why can't the 3rd party only accept the r/s when divorce is final and the man is free to choose w/o being branded as having strayed?

You may think I am wrong and mean. But please try to think from the pov of the poor wife and the kid. Please don't only think of how happy you are with your hb.
 
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