In love with A married man ...

elizann

New Member
Hi Blur,

if that ever happens, tell the married guy that you are not that sort of gal who goes out with a married guy cos married guys are not ur type. Tell them that as a woman, u will not go hurt another woman (their wives).

You can also throw them a challenge (which they will never do, but will wake them up and make them run far far): tell them to return to you with a divorce cert before you will consider going out with them. I did that before when I was fed up with a guy who pestered me. I never heard from him again after I said that to him.
 


Eliz

I finally did that but not telling the married guy that.. i simply made up my mind and told his wife the truth last two weeks ago. In the end, she forgave her husband and asked him to stop pester me.. She amazed me, sigh... still her husband still smsed me to ask me go hotel!!!!! I am soooooo tired..... just forgave him and he is free again.. i myself a mummy.....
 
exactly... but still i still felt sorry for the wife.... maybe his wife closed one eye cos of her kids. Not brave enough to walk away from her marriage cos of her kids..
 

lisara

New Member
I think sometimes both parties are equally stupid but then again, stupidity can be relative. Who is the stupid one: the wife who sticks around even though she is aware of her husband's infidelity, or the husband who thinks that he can have best of both worlds by having the time of his life outside while having a supportive forgiving wife at home?

Guess it's tough to judge when we don't know the full situation. But I think females who don't get involved in married men knowingly and men who are responsible enough to think of consequences before acting are the smartest of them all.
 

elizann

New Member
Hi Blur,

I was tempted to ask u to go tell the wife again. But I think better not. He could have lied to the wife and made u look like the bad girl. Not many women have the courage to walk way from their marriage. We women tend to want to hold on, unlike guys, who are better at cutting ties.
 
wow u are amazed... yeah this husband lied to her again for the 3rd or 4th time.. i remembered dropping hint to her three years ago but she thought i refer to other friend but hey hello i am talking abt her own husband.. i even got my friend to tell the wife abt him too but failed liao.. two weeks ago i plucked up courage and told her everything in person and she felt shocked... yes she thought of divorce but worried abt how her own family n relatives view her ma and changed her mind again... sigh... why shd i waste my effort n warn her repeatedly only to see her closing eye again.
 

elizann

New Member
Hi Blur....she may be a woman with her own difficulties and problems which she may not want to share....she worries more about how others will see her rather then worry about her own welfare. I think u have really done alot for her.

TPK, yes, she may be in self-denial....but, I think, let's not judge her too much yet. Maybe she simply dun have the means to walk away from this marriage...she may not have the courage and the financial means....
 

lovingyou

New Member
Who are we to judge who is at fault, who is the stupid one etc. Only the involved and actual parties are aware of the true and real reasons of their actions. Outsiders see what it might appear to be the truth on the surface but is it realli the case? Shoudl we realli judge someone based on what we believe in?
 
eliz, u r right.. i personally knew her for over a decade but yet her hubby....... sigh... i tried my best to help her a bit and even treated her too.. she had sacrficed too much for her family but her husband pretended to be a faithful husband but whoas... Once confronted him and he said life is too short, why waste bein faithful to his wife when he can hv his fun eating the cake and wipe his mouth before going home...
 

elizann

New Member
Blur, does she work? if she comes to you again, I think u can still give her abit of encouragement to pay more attention to her own life and well being, like taking up part time job, or keep contact with friends. Pray for her, if you can too.
 

enxuan

New Member
From this thread, TPK, i guess u r not married... Otherwise, if u are, i guess ur relationship for ur marriage is not the type where u get to go thru thick n thin with... the type which have a lot of difficulties that make u go crazy... u simply have a blissful smooth marriage or a plain one.

Cos i notice, u r very revengeful and agressive.

In Love and relationship for all generally, its not easy for a wife to accept her husband who cheat.

Even if she knows, if she is considering for the child, she can choose to sacrifice her life happiness for her child to have a complete family. Both husband and wife will have a mutual agreement that each other have their ow private life and so on...

Its not easy... to say divorce and get divorce. After all, marriage is one important decision made when both are deeply in love. Unless, with reasons den divorce is easy.

I myself did question (J) and myself, does he still miss and love (HL) his wife??

Though (J) answer me No, and that he does not want to talk about her anymore and that he jus wants to concentrate on building our relationship better, i know in my heart that there's a high possibility that he still misses or loves her.

Otherwise, he will not choose to marry her 2 years ago and have a child together. It's his deep love for his to make a decision like that. And having loved deeply, how can it be so easily replaced?

Seriously, the chance of both (J) and (HL) get together is low. Unless, something change.

I have decided and told him that, i will love him and give him my trust till April. If till then , i dont see any divorce proceedings, i will leave.

(HL) have sleep with so many people and many of the people also know. If he goes back to her, dont u think he is disgraced? Furthermore, she has nothing for him to go back to, except the child.

I have a lot more to give than her and i will share and give everything to him and my future for him if his love for me is true.

I agree man do cheat. And honestly, only those who is 100% scare of wife or love the wife, then the man will not cheat.

However, that is only 10% of the man left in this world.

I have seen married mans sleeping with my frens and classmates. Its being common already. Jus be statin the fact, everytime for 30 years see the same face and same body also will get bored. Sometimes see hot face and sexy body will get turn on. When they het turn on, they will lust.

First few times, feel guilty... Thereafter , they will be a fact and regular thing.

Frankly speaking, even if in future, my husband cheat, i will forgive him too. As long as he promise to keep his condom on and no feelings involve will be best. I mean finding prositute.

However, if he ever have an affair and involves feelin, if no child probably ask if he wans a divorce. IF got child, will ask him to continue be a good and responsible husband and father, fulfil his duties and i will close one eye.

In (J) case, he probably need a mother for his child. Probably, also, been cheated by his wife already, he will also treasure his second marriage more.

However, there's also a posibility that he is hurt by his wife and no trust left for me.

But in everything, time will tell .. & i will know... Time also heals all wounds and build the trust.

In all, if i still fail in this relationship or not, i thank u for all ur advise.

I choose this path and i will walk on no matter wad. i will have no regrets and will always keep the memories inside me. Life is short and only once, if i give him up... i probably will regret that i never give him and me a chance.... But if it fails, at least i tried my best... I will be a good mother to his daughter.

I wan to thank u all for removing my anger and self denial and to love his daughter back again... She will be coming over to my house for CNY... To see my parents.

My parents wanted to get a Xmas present last year, but it was early and i wasnt prepared.

If my love and relationship is easily removed, and doubt, i guess i wasnt really love him and i was only tryin to love him...

Thank you for making me realise that i really love him and no matter wad, i still need to trust him and that this love is unconditional to make it special and true...


Thank you!

En Xuan
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"And honestly, only those who is 100% scare of wife or love the wife, then the man will not cheat."

You are resorting to pulling down all men to excuse your decision to stick with him. I respect your decision but not your reasoning that all men cheat!

I'm not afraid of my wife and I have not cheated isn't simply because of my love alone. It has also alot to do with CHARACTER, integrity and self discipline. So, when u choose someone with big flaws in his character to begin with, the risk is naturally much higher. No need to pull others into the picture, it doesn't change a thing.
 

texasholdem

New Member
"First few times, feel guilty... Thereafter , they will be a fact and regular thing."
maybe marriage laws should be abolished. Since i can foresee it will be and going to be a regular thing for the next generation, no use spending unnecessary monies, time to get married. Cause all the marriage vows will be USELESS
Right?
 

red_garnet

New Member
"I have seen married mans sleeping with my frens and classmates. Its being common already. Jus be statin the fact, everytime for 30 years see the same face and same body also will get bored. Sometimes see hot face and sexy body will get turn on. When they het (get) turn on, they will lust."

If you truly think that way, you are really a shallow girl who thinks that guys (married or not) are always on the lookout for gals with sexy and hot bodies and cheats on their spouses. You agree that cheating is common nowadays. However, I dare say that if and once your guy cheats (since you say it's a common thing now) and decides to leave you for a younger girl with a sexier and hotter body, you will not be able accept and face that fact that it is happening TO YOU.

Hey, your guy is already sleeping around before he got together with you. He'll most probably continue to sleep around with sexy young girls with hot bodies because he's just being a COMMON guy.
 

enxuan

New Member
Hmmmm.... very defensive... i'm sorry for offending...

What i mean is majority.... i didnt say all...

There's so many forums and horny guys in IRC... Many are attached or married... I mean majority...

Red Garnet, for ur info... i'm (J)'s second girl. His wife is the first... No doubt he may cheat now or in future... but i'm going to accept the fact.. why not? It's human to err. And what's more, whenever, my ex couldnt get me to have sex, as i was very tired.... i get them to go Geylang... or to find escort... discreet services.. I have seen more than u probably... Thats why i accept things easier...

Life is once and short... i dont see a need to make a big fuss over it... Its better i know and they honestly tell me, den they do it behind my back...

I have been working as a receptionist in a company, some of them even married office ladies are working as a freelance whore in certain websites and also having ONS.

Guys who patronise them are mostly middle age man who are married and attached... Therefore, probably my eyes have seen the worst or worse, that's why my expectations for man are lower...
 

blingbride

New Member
En Xuan,

You really have some serious issues. You started this thread sounding victimized, helpless, hurt and not knowing where this guy is up to,etc. Now, you kinda turn around on the other forummers and claim you know better then them, can accept things better, are open minded, bla bla.

Common, if you really are such an open girl who can take it all and a know all, you dont need to be here, you dont even have to question or feel bad bout J, after all, you are willing to accept that it's natural to sleep around and have flings all around rite? Good for you, after all, you are a person who flings around yourself, how would you be conservative bout such matters. Perhaps you dont need to be in a relationship and commitment at all, you just need flings and enjoy as much as you can with as many partners and accept your partners doing the same as you feel it's alright. Where is the character here? You really need to wise up.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
well, what can we say? to think of our youngsters living in an age of decadence. so empty and pointless.

what does the future hold for our country?

i'm keeping my fingers crossed...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
what defensive? I'm pointing out the flaws of your reasoning.

Don't talk like you have men all figured out. If you did, u will not be so messed up and confused coming here to ask for opinions. One moment you are so open minded but then just a week or so ago, u were SO resentful over your bf sleeping with his wife. What a joke. And placing all the hate on his little girl.

You can have your weird logic for all you want and I will tell you straight, you are just giving yourself excuses. You wanted the relationship and knowing what kind of man he is. Are you happy? You know your answer. You don't need long list of excuses for anyone else in here or anywhere else. Just be honest with yourself.

Cheers.
 

soontobe

Member
En Xuan, you are saying coz you are not married yet. *touch wood*....I hope that you won't need to go thru the moments when you find out your hubby is cheating on you...your mentality and thinking or actions may change then
 

judyeng

New Member
enxuan. i am around ur age and yet i feel ur quite immature in ur thinking. no offense.

yes, every person, man/woman, would definitely have some thoughts of ur spouse cheating. this is ineveitable. however, to keep a marriage healthy, u need to trust ur man. it is really silly to say that if ur man cheats, u'll accept. if he cheats, yes, u might 'accept', but ur trust for him will be gone. unless u can overcome this an accept. i doubt ur able to trust totally, seeing like u cannot accept his kid at the start. u mentioned uve accepted the daughter. what made u accept? are u sure after u marry this guy ur doubts wont creep up again and harm ur marriage? in a rship its also impt to protect ur interests. signs are showing that ur rship is not healthy. u probably cant see the warning signs bt other forummers can. thats why so many ppl are warning u to get out. of cos, there is a chance of a happily ever after. but seriously.. with ur current thinking.. i dont knw.

"Unless, with reasons den divorce is easy."
- with reasons divorce is also not easy. ive seen close friends who totally have no feelings for each other divorce. its still not easy.

"Though (J) answer me No, and that he does not want to talk about her anymore and that he jus wants to concentrate on building our relationship better, i know in my heart that there's a high possibility that he still misses or loves her."
- u dnt trust him.

"I have decided and told him that, i will love him and give him my trust till April. If till then , i dont see any divorce proceedings, i will leave."
- u should leave him and let him make his decision. saying u'll love him and trust him till april sounds so..

"I have a lot more to give than her and i will share and give everything to him and my future for him if his love for me is true."
- u dont knw that what u have given is more than his wife HL. u dnt knw and u cant assume.

"I agree man do cheat. And honestly, only those who is 100% scare of wife or love the wife, then the man will not cheat."
- my role model is my father. he has not cheated on my mom and till today, when they are 50+, they are still going on dates. a man will not cheat if he is responsible.

"Sometimes see hot face and sexy body will get turn on. When they het turn on, they will lust."
- u sure?

"Frankly speaking, even if in future, my husband cheat, i will forgive him too."
- wake up!!!

"As long as he promise to keep his condom on and no feelings involve will be best. I mean finding prositute."
- i dnt knw what to say abotu this seriously.

"However, if he ever have an affair and involves feelin, if no child probably ask if he wans a divorce. IF got child, will ask him to continue be a good and responsible husband and father, fulfil his duties and i will close one eye."
- if this is ur thinking, and what u'll do if u meet such things, i really worry for u..

"Probably, also, been cheated by his wife already, he will also treasure his second marriage more."
- u cannot go into a marriage expecting he'll chnge and treasure u..

"However, there's also a posibility that he is hurt by his wife and no trust left for me."
-make up ur mind

"Time also heals all wounds and build the trust."
- time doesnt build trust if u go along with wrong mindset

no matter what, think carefully. sry if i sound harsh.
 

salsa_babe

New Member
And dun have to tell us you are working as a receptionist, married offc ladies working freelance blah blah blah

We are not interested to know.

Dun talk as if you know men inside out.

You are just someone who tried to argue her way out...with lame reasoning
 
"If you truly think that way, you are really a shallow girl who thinks that guys (married or not) are always on the lookout for gals with sexy and hot bodies and cheats on their spouses. You agree that cheating is common nowadays. However, I dare say that if and once your guy cheats (since you say it's a common thing now) and decides to leave you for a younger girl with a sexier and hotter body, you will not be able accept and face that fact that it is happening TO YOU. "

I agree with Redgarnet that En_Xuan cannot handle his man cheating.

If she's so open-minded and can take such things easily as she claimed, then WHY was she so pissed off when she found out that his man checked into hotel to have sex with his wife?

She described until the whole world of men and women are so loose and cheap to make herself feel better LOL.
 

joiedevivre

New Member
En Xuan,

I thought your previous long post about realising your true love for J was quite touching.

No matter what happens, as long as you are responsible for your own actions and don't get yourself into any more unwanted pregnancies, it is enough.

Not all men out there are like those men you have met. In fact, I would say that the philandering men that you see are in the minority. Maybe it is just the environment you work in...

You should go and meet people from other backgrounds, and you will see that your expectations of love is too cynical. I think for someone who claims to love so deeply, you have a very negative attitude about love.

True love allows for mistakes, but not affairs time and again like what you have described in the people you know. That type of "mistakes" that keeps happening shouldn't be accepted.

Hope that J won't disappoint you. There are actually many other good men out there who are deserving of your love too. So don't ever lower your standards or "cheapen" yourself. You deserve better.

Take care and all the best.
 

thommy

New Member
I don't understand why you guys are still replying to her thread since she's so sure of her choice and the path she's taking already.

People who are in the ultimate self-denial stage have already closed their ears to the world, so don't bother wasting your time to type anymore.
 

margret

Member
she will come back one of those days and maybe use another nickname to post another thread; blasting how evil the man after being ditched by him.

We definitely will hear from her agaim. Mark my words
 
En Xuan

I think u really have some serious issues here.. I am so amazed by your post.. but one thing is u can never replace J's daughter's mum in J's daughter heart.. do u know that??? U can only pass off as a just auntie or step mum to J's daughter... Please dun ever think u can have j's daughter as your own cos u NEVER give birth to her at all.. your posts is nothing but bullshit... what rights do u hv to talk abt be a good "STEPmum" to her when you seriously have problems with intergity.
 

serene_yam

New Member
Living in delusion, creating her own world of how things could be happening and in-tune with what she desires....TS really has issues. But then, it's her life, she can live in self-denial. It's something that we can't really comprehend, because our values, beliefs, thinking and issues are different in life. One can fall, and yet blaming everyone else for causing his fall. One can oversleep, but blame the clock for not waking him up. It's so easy to attribute the problem to others, without reflecting upon themselves. I can't help but feeling sad for TS, that she's only adding to the statistics of people who might have psychological and social problems in future. Just before she eventually comes to such an end, I hope she doesn't bring an innocent one into the whole picture, be it whether it's her own offspring, or her J's daughter.
 
serene u r right to say that the TS living in delusion... sigh canot help feeling that the TS still has not wise up yet.. Perhaps when she goes through a lot in life, she might realise by then.. now only 22 yrs old, shdould be studying or enjoying life to the fullest instead of messing ard with the married man, what more J's daughter...
 

sane

Member
Hi Enxuan

Let's look beyond the well, apart from the people whom u mixed with (friends who
have been sleeping around and office whores), there's still
loads of happy marriages and healthy r/s out there.
You can have a happy and fulfilling r/s too provided that he wants the same too

Just to share a true scenerio, I know a couple who's already in their mid forties. She know that the hb have affairs outside and have been keeping a blind eye for decades.
Finally she got kicked off last year due to 1 mistress who got pregnant with the hb's child.

What did she get in the end and furthermore she's no longer young?

Will she be able to cut her losses short by getting out of the marriage fast when she sense something is wrong instead of hanging onto the marriage blindlessly and hope that the hb will change?

Keep your options open for a lifetime partner. Choose someone who can make you feel that he only belongs to you.

<blockquote><hr size=0><!-quote-!><font size=1>quote:</font>


have decided and told him that, i will love him and give him my trust till April. If till then , i dont see any divorce proceedings, i will leave.

(HL) have sleep with so many people and many of the people also know. If he goes back to her, dont u think he is disgraced? Furthermore, she has nothing for him to go back to, except the child.

I have a lot more to give than her and i will share and give everything to him and my future for him if his love for me is true.

I agree man do cheat. And honestly, only those who is 100% scare of wife or love the wife, then the man will not cheat.

However, that is only 10% of the man left in this world.

I have seen married mans sleeping with my frens and classmates. Its being common already. Jus be statin the fact, everytime for 30 years see the same face and same body also will get bored. Sometimes see hot face and sexy body will get turn on. When they het turn on, they will lust.

First few times, feel guilty... Thereafter , they will be a fact and regular thing.

Frankly speaking, even if in future, my husband cheat, i will forgive him too. As long as he promise to keep his condom on and no feelings involve will be best. I mean finding prositute.

However, if he ever have an affair and involves feelin, if no child probably ask if he wans a divorce. IF got child, will ask him to continue be a good and responsible husband and father, fulfil his duties and i will close one eye.
<!-/quote-!><hr size=0></blockquote>
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"I have a lot more to give than her and i will share and give everything to him and my future for him if his love for me is true."

Relationship isn't some competition where who gives in more deserves the man.

I know I'm not getting extinct being faithful. Its definitely not 10% of the folks out there. Cheaters are all over, but in no means everyone (or 90%) is a cheater.
 

lovingyou

New Member
All such thots are shaped by somewhat of what she has faced / experienced in her life... She might be finding an excuse to justify her actions/she might also be realli feeling this way to what she seen frm people she is familiar with? A choice is made, thus, the parties have to accept the consequences that follows...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
No matter what unique experiences we have, we shouldn't write off and come with the conclusion that exceptions beyond what we know is that rare. The world is this dynamic, our exposure is too limited to be used as a basis to judge everyone and things around.

The more we learn, the more it expose how ignorant and limited we really truly are. This is the point everyone is pointing out. Not so that her choice is wrong or right. TS is attempting to pass generic conclusions about people and relationship to justify her decision. She doesn't need to do that at all. She just needs to honestly reflect if she is happy and confident about her relationship. It doesn't concern anyone else in this forum at all. Explaining and justifying to folks here shouldn't be what she should be focusing on.
 

elizann

New Member
Hi Blur,

u are so right to say that. Same for me, I know I will never replace my stepsons-to-be's mum in their hearts. To them, their biological mum will always be their beloved mum, no matter how much she scolds them, etc. And I will be just be the jie jie that they know. They can hug me, say they love me, and even tell me their little kiddy secrets, but the fact is - I am only their step mum (in future or jie jie for now).

But for Enxuan, I worry, cos she has never said how much she loves the little girl...I worry for the little girl..the real innocent party in this whole issue.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
i see ppl doing it all the time and i loathe it
- to keep emphasizing another person's perceived "badness" and boast ones own "greatness"...
 

elizann

New Member
Hi Junkie, I am not boasting my own greatness. I am just putting things in perspective so that Enxuan can see my point.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
i didn't say it's u hor...
since u think it's u then wanna guess who's the "bad" one i was talking abt here?

hint: i wasn't thinking abt TS :p

hv fun guessing
happy.gif
 

simpleman

Active Member
And we don't have to be too judgemental of other people. We should not measure other people by our own values.. these values may be worthless in other people eyes.
 

sane

Member
Being a mum is not easy and not to mention being a stepmum.
Looking after my 3yo and especially when she's throwing a tantrum, I won't have so much patience and love if she's not my own. In additional my hb and I have to communicate daily and compromise on bread and butter issues, child issues, both sides families issues. There's much much more than BGR issues.
Marriage is not that easy as one perceive compared to dating.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Sometimes it is easier if the "child" is not our own. Women (ok, not so politcally correct here) tend to worry too much, especially their own children. They may be more objective when dealing with other people's children. It is not necessary a bad thing.

Being a parent is not easy because we put too much pressure on ourselves..
 

sane

Member
Somemore all the time+effort does not = what u want them to turn out to be + getting rewarded/being appreciated etc
Hence parents are noble not to mention if you are not the biological parent.
I don't don't usually encourage anyone to be a parent if they are not ever ready to "sacrifice" :p
 

simpleman

Active Member
I don't agree "sacrifice" is a right term to use to be a parent. It is a negative and defeatist attitude. We want children, we love them for what they are. Not sacrifice nor. Our efforts are not important. If we think in terms of time + effort and sacrifice in bringing up children - that to me is not the right attitude.

One day, they will grow up. They will want to have their lives. If we think we are sacrificing, we are putting undue pressure on them.
 

sane

Member
wow u online 24hr, reply so fast? Maybe should I say changing of lifestyle and not so much "freedom" as before and to put ger in 1st priority though trying hard to strike a balance in everything like work, parents, marriage, etc...
However at times, I do also pondor on whether I am putting enough effort or being responsible enough to be a good mummy.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Biological or not, it is really the love and sincerity that matters. Ask yourselves, does it make you love your parents any less if one day you realized they are not your biological parents?

I think SM brought up a very interesting point but is it really easier? Especially when you have to raise more than 2 more kids, its hard to convince them that you do not show favoritism.
 

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