In love with A married man ...

[enxuan]

I met my current bf (J)about 6 months ago. i happen to meet (J) at his workplace. Due to his job, he eventually know about my background.

I was attached with (D)at that moment, but i am having flings outside. And (J) know abt it due to his profession.

While chatting, i happen to see a ring on his finger and asked him if he was married. As he looked very young to be a husband.

He said it is not a wedding ring. So, i assumed he's not married.

However, eventually after his work, we exchange numbers and meet up after some time later. It was the second meet up only and i initiate sex with him. Due to his profession, i have a rush and thrill to engage in sex with him. I have to admit, i dont have any feelings for my bf(D)then. I wanted to have a fling with (J) and didnt think of anything serious with any of my relationships as i couldnt muster the courage to trust anyone.

But, while having sex with (J), i feel totally into him.. I teared silently and my heart hurts. For what reason, i dont know. We had a great time together and we washed our backs for each other after sex. Its something i didnt do for any other guys as i cant be bothered with them.

I prefer guys taking care of me only. But, for (J), its like i wish we can take care of each other. However, i didnt make my feelings known to him. I am confused and was thinking it may just be a moment of passion only.

I was supposed to meet my bf (D) after that and (J) knew about it. We parted just a distance away from where i supposed to meet (D). Along the way, from the hotel to the destination, We holded hands, kissed and hugged before we part. I couldnt bear to leave him. I silently knew i have feelings for him.

Thereafter, i met my bf (D) and we quarrel as i was late. I tried to break up with him using this incident as a good way to breakup. However, he decides not to as it was a trival matter. (D) is like a child, i couldnt just hurt him for my selfishness.

However, as (J) wasnt with me, i missed him more and more daily. The feeling is so intense that i neglected my bf (D). It was then that (D) realise we have no feelings for each other and it was impossible for us to carry on. It was on my birthday that we broke up. It hurts me alot as i lost a good friend and hurt the friendship between us. We are classmates and friends before we were together.

Things between me and (J) have been going on well and we have sex too. It was clear initially that our relationship has no commitment as i was attached then. But, my feelings for him is true and he said he feel that way too...

On many occasions, he care and concern for me. In front of his friends, we are jus friends and no intimate affections showed. Then, one day, he asked me how well do i think i know him... Since, he know me more as i have been telling him more about myself..

I told him:" Each person have their own past.I respect him and will only listenif he wants to say."

Then, he told me he's married and has a daughter. I was stunned. I didnt expect anything like this.

In a moment, i became a slut and i felt am once again being with someone who i have no chance of being in a long term relationship, much less a future.

However, he told me his wife left for another man months before we met. When i asked him why he didnt tell me on the first time we met. He said we wasnt closed then. And he's dont like to wash dirty linen in public. Do you think this is a good reason ? But, at this point of time, he ask if i mind his status and if i wan to leave, he will accept and respect my decision. How was i to ?? i am deeply affectionate and attracted to him.

I listened to his sorrows and wish to be with him and care for his daughter. She is only 2 and a half and i thought i may have a good chance to build a bond with her if i am to be with him in future, since she is still young. Since, (J) said his wife (HL) have not been visiting the daughter since months ago.

Things started to change and we got closer. We started to have more expectations from each other and begin to control each other doings. Soon, we are a couple and close friends know we are an item. However, it's also not long before my worries come true. (HL) contacted (J) and saidshe wanted to visit their daughter for her graduation ceremony. And they met up.

It was on the day after (J) drop me off and he went to meet her. But, he wasnt honest with me. All this info, it's his wife contacted me thru Facebook. But, after he drop me off on that day, he told me he was tired and wanted to go home and sleep. But, he ended up meetin her and checkin into the hotel with her. His reason was he wanted to patched things up with her for his daughter sake. When i ask him, :"why cant he make a clean break with me before doing that?"

Didnt he think about my feelings? Am i just a spare tyre for him jus in case his wife dont want him? His reason was:" He couldnt bear to let me go as he has real feelings for me. What he's doing is for his daughter sake."

Should i believe him? My heart wish to, but my minds say its not right. Something is not truthful here.

A day later, i went Bintan with him. He continue to have sex with me and all these time, i wasnt aware of all these happening about they meeting up.

The thought of him having sex with his wife and having sex with me the next day, makes me very torn up. I felt so dirty. Its like i'm a convenient toilet for him. A convenient whore for him. The thought of his wife sleeping around outside and have sex with him and him having sex with me is causing me much stress.

I dont know what to say..

His wife wrote to me in Facebook and told me about their relationship. In her side of story was, she wanted a divorce asap and it's (J) who's dragging. She asked me to convince him to get a divorce and give me a status. She said i was stupid to be with him. She tried telling me (J)'s bad characters and that he's an abusive husband. Someone who does not care about family and owes debts. She tell me not to walk into her footsteps.

Personally, i feel she has a motive behind all these. Because, She is very agitated and contradicting in most of her messages to me.

However, despite all his bad point she mention, all i can understand. I know his character is that he got a foul temper and he maybe not financially good. But, he's managing his debts well and soon to clear finish. He clear all his debts himself and take care of his family and daughter finance himself.

I ask him if he was violent towards his wife and he admited he did hit her. But, it was because she strike at his face. Otherwise, he was ok and control whenever she hits his body.

This i can understand as my dad's character is also like this. He will strike my mom if she hits his face. As guys love their egos.

Therefore, i told him i will never strike him and he shall not do it to me. Which he promise me. Till date, he never hit me before and his character is acceptable to me.

But, i'm afraid things will change after some time.

By this time, we have already discuss about marriage briefly as i told him i want to get married and have our own kids before 25.

This is when he talk about his divorce. He said filing for divorce can be done only 3 years after marriage which is march 2010.

I know this is true as i have done some research on it. However, can any appeal be done for an earlier date? Because, he mention his wife (HL) will be leaving for Swiss in April 2010 for years.

I dont intend to let it drag for so long. I dont want years for them to settle their divorce. Its not fair for me. I dont want an ambigious relationship and be seen as a family breaker. I wish it can be settled before she leaves. Least, he give me more reasons and excuses for not having a divorce.

Till now, i still dont know it's who, who is dragging the seperation or divorce.

Now, i feel very insecure about the relationship as i hold on to a grudges against his daughter. Although, i tried telling mysels she is innocent and young. I am very unreasonable to hate her or be angry with her.

But, i cant help knowing that she is the reason for all my pain. For (J) to sleep with (HL) again behind my back.

However, a part of me, knows that , that is only an excuse. He can choose not to check into the hotel with (HL). It's his own choice and decision for having sex with her and cheating behind my back.

Today, as i am typing this.. i am holding on to a disbelief and much confusion. I dont know if i should continue this relationship.

His wife (HL) visited their daughter again. However, this time round (J) informed me earlier and said that the reason he tell me is bacause he has promise me to come clean with me whenever his wife visit and keep me inform.

however, i wasnt happy. i was thinking... Will i be able to accpet his daughter in future? Will i be able to accept that his wife is going to keep having contact with (J) after we re married ?? I dont like the idea and dont think this is working out. Personally, i prefer the daughter did not exist. Bacause even if (HL) got the custody, is (J) going to keep missing his daughter ? Either way, i dont feel secure. I'm afraid this will worsen my feelings for his daughter.

Before (HL) appear agin, i wanted to bring up his daughter as my own and love her . i wanted togive her everything the best. I used to think she can be my baby girl. Maybe she is a present from God. As i miss my aborted baby girl alot.

I bought her expensive clothes and toys. Burberrys dress and bring her to underwater world and etc... i was so happy that when i carried her in my arms, she will sleep through the car ride home.

The thoughts filled up my eyes with tears.. Memories of the 3 of us eating. When (J) was feeding me, his daughter (EX) imitates my actions and this makes both me and (J) laughed. When his daughter (EX) sees us laughed, she laughed too.. This makes all 3 of us laughed harder and happier.

This piece of memory is deeply etched into my mind. Its so beautiful.Its what i always wanted. A baby girl with my husband and a family outing.

But, all these no longer happens when his wife (HL) returns. I dare not dream and meet his daughter again. I am afraid to give my feelings out to his daughter and i will be betrayed.

I dare not dream nor hope for anything. I am afraid to lose and lost everything.

What should i do ??

i really love him alot and i can feel his love for me. All his love and care for me. All these while, he's been very sweet to me and gentle and nice. Better and better each day.

However, inside this forum, i also see that many man do lie or can lie easily and pretending to love their wife or gf too...

What should i do??

How to tell if he is true ??

 

[green_tranquility]

You started off being just another fling / f*** buddy for J. What makes you so sure that he is willing to move your f*** buddy relationship to the next stage, marriage (in 3 years time)? He has also lied to you several times.

Obviously, J isn't the ideal husband that you are looking for. You are unable to accept certain parts of him eg. his daughter even if he obtains a divorce.

You should cut your losses and leave him.

 

[miloice]

1st advice, remove your full name from your username. This is to protect your identity. Seems to me you are very naive and childish person that doesn't even know how to protect yourself. Even online, u r exposing your identity like this. And you are revealing initials of everyone involved!

"Now, i feel very insecure about the relationship as i hold on to a grudges against his daughter. Although, i tried telling mysels she is innocent and young. I am very unreasonable to hate her or be angry with her. But, i cant help knowing that she is the reason for all my pain. For (J) to sleep with (HL) again behind my back."

u r so wrong. His daughter isn't the reason of your pain. Its your affair. You stick your nose into this relationship and u hate his daughter that was with him all this while. What is so surprising for a man to sleep with his wife? When u and J makeout... its 2 completely willing parties. likewise with J & HL. Your logic is very flawed. It is the doing of 2 adults and somehow u blame the kid for your pain. SHAME ON YOU. Wake up, its your own doing. u r in pain willingly. If you need to blame, its yourself. REFLECT and BE HONEST with yourself. U know the truth deep inside.

 

[thommy]

You and J are the sole reasons why the no. of AIDS victims are on the rise. Both of you are liars and please, respect others even if you don't respect yourselves. I'm appalled just by reading this, seems more like a soap drama to me.

 

[blingbride]

Ever heard of what goes around comes around? You feel pitiful for yourself and want to get out of hurt etc.. What have you been doing behind your bf's back all those years? You mentioned yourself that all along you had flings while in the relationship.. How do you think your bf felt, happy and excited or pained and cheated? You want the best to happen to yourself but you do the worst to others. How fair are you?

I think this is a way for you to reflect on yourself and move on and be a better person. Think you ought to change yourself then to try to change others. You dont respect yourself enough to keep yourself for the right person. You simply give yourself to any guy who captures your attention, that's immoral and easy to me.

How do you expect J to respect you and want to give you the best and be true to you when you cheated behind your bf when you first had a fling with him? Perhaps he thought that was your style and didnt find anything sinful with sleeping with his wife behind your back. You are a new sex partner, but his wife had been with him for years and presumably gone through thick and thin for him, even bore him a child. Who do you think he would give preference to?

With the type of woman you are now, you ought to better yourself first before wanting the best for yourself.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Mavis,

You have to think very carefully whether you can accept his daughter and ex-wife if you marry J.

They will be a constant fixture in your life as long as you are with J. If you can accept and be magnanimous, your marriage will be a happy one.

I have slightly similar situation as you. My hubby's nephews' father is attached overseas most of the time.

My hubby is like a father to them. The nephews tagged along with us for most of our dates.
Sometimes if my hubby's sister joined us, his nephews will be clinging to him and his sister chatting happily with them.

They looked like a happy family together. It's important to adopt a correct mindset if I want to be with my hubby. I can choose to be jealous and be an outsider or I can join in the fun with them.

I chose the latter. Now after years of marriage, I have 2 children of my own, his nephews and his sister are still a constant in our lifes but I love them as my own family.

I will often cook their favourite food and buy christmas presents for them. It's great fun and everyone is happy.

 

[ckgal]

I can promise u that you can never be happy with him.

first, if he ever married you, you will alway have the fear of him having fling outside. Like what u doing now with him.

when u are old and unattractive, another younger or prettier women will come over and take over your place.

Even if u want married him, do u think he will want to marry you.

Don't think too far whether u can bring up his daughter, she might not even want to be with u.

U might be young now, u think this is love. But let me tell u, what u are doing is LUST. He is doing all the nice thing with u cos your relationship with him is fresh. Wait another couple of week or month, it will most likely stop.

He is just using u as a sex tool. u try taking away the sex part, do u think he wil choose u or the wife.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Mavis,

Please bear in mind that young children tends to throw tantrums sometimes.

There were a few times when my hubby has to cancel or delay our dates when his nephews are sick or clingy.

As an adult, you have to be understanding, the children come 1st.

If you can sweetly replied to J that you can always go out the next time, J will be touched that you are so understanding and love you more than ever.

 

[margret]

albee, the choice is not her to make.

Do u think the daughter will accept another women who breakup her family?

Anyway, whether J is serious with her or not is another issue.

J is just lying to her to get her to continue having sex with her. How to talk about marriage when he have not even settle with the wife.

Another important thing is he might not even have the custody of the child if there is a divorce cos he is bringing the child out with Mavis even there is no divorce yet, this can show how a irresponsble father he is.

 

[ckgal]

MiLo On e RoCkS (miloice), he is not SHAMEFUL of what he she is doing, that's why she is using her real name

 

[enxuan]

Hi, thanks for giving me the advise.

First, i admit i am not cautious enough to protect my identity. However,i also dont intent to change my username as i dont feel the need to change it since it already here. I choose my path and decision to love him, if its wrong and shameful, i will face it.

However, do note that i did not know he was married initially. Remember, i ask him abt the ring and he said its not a wedding ring. I may be wrong to assume he was not married. But, he wasnt totally honest either. Cos i have been telling him that no matter what happens, i will not want to get involve with a married guy right from the first start of knowing each other.

I used to have a friend who is getting married. But, weeks before his marriage, he wanted to cancel it as he reveal he has feelings for me. I guess i did not notice or take caution about the way our friendship develope. However, when i learnt about this, i cut all friendship with him and make no contact at all.

I respect marriage and dislike affairs. I cant find someone i really love. But, when i thought i found (J), he wasnt totally mine either. I advance my relationship with (J) thinking that he was the right one. I did not know he was married. We were both single adults and no wrong in dating. If i know he was married, i would not fall for him and get myself hurt and heartbroken. I must say, i am very selfish when comes to relationship. i cant share my bf with anyone. i do not wish to be a third party as i believe in retribution. I fear my own marriage will be the same and i always never want to touch any married man.

However, he assure me that i wasnt the third party. His wife (HL) left him months ago and never contact him, before i get to know him. His wife (HL) left him with her debts and contract bonds and took all valuables in the house. During their years of marriage, she is seeing and sleeping around with at least 3 more guys than her husband (J) himself.

How did i know this ? Well, (HL) posted her current lover (XK) and her pictures online. They took wedding pictures and intimate pictures on bed and posted it on Facebook. She even got pregnant with her lover's (XK) child. She too herself admited it in her msg in Facebook to me. Her another lover (JN) is my brother in law's buddy. She had many affair during her marriage. If she is a good wife, good mother, i will definately leave as i will be breaking up a good family. But, i wsnt in the knowing that he was married.

Things that (J) do, do show he is true. He will check on me that i reach home before 12 and that he will make sure to call me and wish me goodnight. Giving me goodnight kisses everynight before we sleep. The time he spent with me, is more than he spent with his daughter. I guess he understands my pain.

He dislike and does not allow me to go drink without him around, as he knows i dont hold my liqour well. He said he's afraid that i may do the wrong thing. Whenever, we go drinking with his friends, he will not drink much as he wants to take care of me and send me home. This is what i see in him that he is sincere. He knows i like Doraemons and will get all the designs for me no matter what and no matter how much he needs to spent on limited designs. These all the actions for me to see his effort. When i'm sick, he brings me to see doctor and make effort to accompany me no matter how busy and tired he is. He knows that i love to have him hug me to sleep , though he dislike huggin someone to sleep, due to body temperature causing him to feel hot. He will hug me to sleep and wait till i'm asleep, he will let go. Whenever, i have make sudden cravings for food, he will bring me there.

He always tell me nicely that i am not pretty, i am getting fatter and fatter. My figure getting more and more like Doraemon, with the way i and eating. So, how can it be for my looks he choose me ?

When many time we quarrel and i want to break up, as i feel that i am very miserable being not able to have a bf to hold my hand and hug me in public, i feel like a kept women. He changed and holds my hands and hug me in public now. We are intimate and he tell me that he treats me as his gf now.

Although small little things like being able to be kissed and hug by someone u love every now and then, may be a small trival issue to u all. But to me, some little actions like hugs and kisses is something i will cherish and treasure.

Margret, u said (J) is irresponsible to bring his child out with me. maybe your right in some point, but this may show he is serious abt our relationship. Isnt it ? i dont know... As i think he may want to see if i and his daughter (EX) can get along.

He too said, that my past is past, its not something i can change. Its what happen to me before and the bad experiences that cause me my past. What matters most is my present. That i must behave and do the right things.

I have tattoos ( cute little colour dolphins) on my body, he dislike them and asked me to laser it off. When i said i scare of the pain, he said he will take time to accomapany me and be with me thru it. He wans me to laser off as it is not a good image for me to bing up our kids in future. Which i agree with him. What will other parents see my child if his/her mother had tattoos.

Things he do making me confuse and cant bear to break up. But, i dont want to see myself hurt and in a relationship going nowhere.

 

[hub_hub_wee_wee]

EnXuan, for me, i think its between u n J....u should know better how he treat u...n whether both of you really love each other...In other people point of u, they will see that U r bitch n 3rd party n J jus wan to hav sex partner....
But i believ its between u two....
For me, I will choose to believ with the guy I love...If there is no trust, there will be no LOVE....If there is no obstacles, how can you find a TRUE love....
GOODLUCK....

 

[infojunkie]

in today's society, ppl r so rich and yet so poor - rich with all the material comforts and poor with spiritual emptiness... making some effectvely failed with all the wrong choices they made in life...

yes TS, to love and be loved is a great thing. it makes u FEEL "special"... BUT with different ppl, come different degrees of love... i dun wanna brand ur kind of love as shallow, but it's definitely not as deep and profound as u think it is...

all i can say is that hopefully as u grow older, u will discover a whole new way to love... as for now? just remember never to sell urself cheap. never...

 

[elizann]

Dear Enxuan,

What I wanted to say, our dear fellow forumers have already said. So, I shall add on to their words by telling you a few things that you should think about:

1. A good man will never ever sleep with a woman before he has married her. Both of you are not married to each other but already have had sex. And since he is a married man, it is double the sin to sleep with a woman who is not his wife. This relationship is built on sex and lust. It was not built on things like care, concern, understanding, trust,etc, which are what a normal relationship should be built on. So taking this into consideration, do you think he loves you? Or is he using you as a tool to get what he could not get from his wife. Do reflect. Stop degrading yourself by getting into bed with this married man. Stop wasting your time and getting your heart painful in the end. I am sure you deserve better. There can never be a future with a married man. There will only be mess. Can you take it?


2. He has a child, and you are thinking of marrying him when he gets his divorce. But, you already have a problem accepting this child. This child who is totally innocent, and who, at a tender age of 2, has to suffer not only her parents divorce (if it really happens) but who may have to suffer with you if both of you cannot get along. Girl, do you know that if a woman ever wants to marry a man who had kids froma previous marriage, the first thing she has to do, is to accept and love his kids? If you cannot accept his kids, then, you will never truly love this man. No matter how much you say you love him, you can NEVER truly love him. Why? Easy. Let me give you afew scenarios....will you be able to accept him stopping a date with you abruptly cos his daughter call him and tell him that she miss him? Will you be ok, if in the middle of lovemaking at night, his daughter wails and then insists on sleeping with daddy? Will you be able to still love her when she throws tantrums and you happen to be in the worst of moods? Will you be able to accept this, not for one day, but every week, or even everyday, for the rest of your life with him? If you can say yes to all these scenarios, then I will even try to believe that you truly love him. This little girl is an extension of her father. To truly love him, you must love this girl too.


Let me tell you, I am telling you this as a girl who has a boyfriend who has TWO kids from his previous marriage. And I did two things right. First, he only courted me after his divorce was officially over. And, I love his two kids and accepted them together with their father. I can accept that weekends will include his daddy time with them, and that weeknights with him will include him calling them about their homework and them calling him about issues they have with their mum too. And he has never asked me to sleep with him. Cos he knows what I'll do if he ever does that, and it is not good.

En Xuan, as women, we have to guard our hearts well. Do not just give it to any man. Give it only to the man who truly loves you.

Take Care

 

[chilliinketchup]

This is funny.

(J) and his wife made vows and promises to each other when they got married too, yet ended up cheating behind each others' back.

He can break his promises to his wife, what makes u think that whatever vows that he is going to give u will be realised?

U didn't want to disclosure his profession makes us feel that his work is super dubious & indecent. Don't expect a lifetime thing with this guy. U are just a novelty to him now. Dumping u, for all sorts of reasons, is only a matter of time.

 

[idealone]

I bag to differ chilli, I feel that not disclosing the occupation indicates that thats a position of status eg doc or lawyer etc.

I'm sure mavis or any gal will be willing to sleeo with dubious character.

Anyway, we are not to judge anyone here. I think we should open mavis mind for her to make her own decision and not to add any fuel to fire to make her judgement more clouded.

 

[idealone]

Sorry a bit of typo... was working and typing jus now ha ha.....

Here is the correct spelling text....

I beg to differ chilli, I feel that not disclosing the occupation indicates that thats a position of status eg doc or lawyer etc.

I'm sure mavis or any gal will not be willing to sleep with dubious character.

Anyway, we are not to judge anyone here. I think we should open mavis mind for her to make her own decision and not to add any fuel to fire to make her judgement more clouded.

 

[denise80]

Mavis,

From your posts, you have the answers already. You'll still choose to be with J and you're here to seek validation or support from others because you've chosen to see the brighter side of things whenever people gave your discouragements and negative comments. But please remember, the fact that you're here asking for advice means that a part of you knows something's not right. As long as you feel that something's not right in this relationship, I would really really advise you not to jump into it. Because you're young, I feel that you're not mature enough to make such a big decision right now - getting married is one big decision, furthermore to a man with a kid. Years later, when you look back, you might even laugh at how silly you had been to even consider this man. Remember, we're often blind when we're in love. Right now you choose to see his strengths and his strengths are indeed enlarged, such that they covered his weaknesses. One day, when you truly wake up, you'll be appalled by what you didn't see or didn't choose to believe earlier.

All the best.

 

[joiedevivre]

Mavis, please walk away from this relationship.

A man who loves you will not leave you feeling dirty and like a slut.

Also, he has admitted to hitting his wife. No matter what happened, it is not ok for him to hit a woman.

Was your mum ok with your dad striking out at her? Did she have a happy and peaceful marriage? Answer this honestly and ask yourself if you want a marriage like hers...

From what you have said, I feel that the man is just using you. You deserve someone better.

 

[miloice]

So? All you have mentioned are about the adults involved. How does the kid becomes the central of your hurt? So far, how much creditibility has J shown? Lies from the beginning and more lies to go on. You choose to believe in his words still and put him somehow blameless but instead recent his kid?!?

You might not have realized your double standards. While you mentioned how hurt you are for him sleeping with his wife BEHIND YOUR BACK, u had all the long slept with J BEHIND D's BACK. Think about it. Its somehow perfectly fine for you to be selfish but not others. Why?

 

[enxuan]

Many things happen and i stand always in a very neutral point of view. But, because i am standing in a neutral point of view, i cannot judge nor make a decision.

Yes, he cheated on his wife.

negative thinking : Yes, he may do the same to me in future, since he can do it now.

Positive thinking: He said it was his wife cheated on him first and that time has develope both (J) and me feelings. He said what i have done for him is what he cannot find from his wife and he is touch by it.

Yes, he admited striking his wife

Negative thinking: Evidence of a violent man. Born in a person and if happen once, it may happen again.

Positive thinking: It needs two hands to clap. Right from the start, i will not start a violent relationship. I suppose it needs me to start and fuel him and hit him, he will exchange blows with me. Otherwise, i feel that, if u really love a person, u will not bear to hit the person.

I have 2 ex bf before... They have very extreame good character.. They loved me alot and things happen. I too, have my mom's character. We slapped man when we are very pissed by them. It was that reason my ex bf and me ended up in a violent relationship, up till the day we break up. IT is also the 2 failed relationship has waked me up and showed me that a violent relationship does not work. If one ever try to start first, it will have again. Therefore, till now,we have many quarrels.. But i choose to either walk away and sit quietly or either i will cry out of saddness. It works, he will coax me and apologise for quarreling. At the same time, he will explain slowly and patiently wad went wrong and he will not mae his mistake (if it's his fault)again. If its my fault, he will say its oki and its over. Jus leart from it.

Maybe, this is jus in the start of the relationship. But, i dont wish to leave him jus because of what happen between him and his wife. A person will change. But, its only if he decides to. Or if he can meet the person who he is willing to change for. Maybe i am not the one. But, i wish to give him a chance. I have told him, if he do strike me, i will definately leave. For i dont wish my child to grow up in a violent family.

His profession.

He is working in the government sector. Therefore, not convenient to reveal.

I really wish to know if he really love me and if i should go on...

I really wish to be with him. I must say, once my heart is given out, it's all out. But, if i sense something not right, i will either close 2 blind eyes or put my leg out totally. However, till now, i cant sleep well without him. I'm used to his hugs and kisses everynight. This is what his wife have as her rights, but she dont want. but, i will dearly wish to have. Everynight i on the lights and watch tv till dawn or my eyes closes, cos i dun wan to sleep alone.

How can i leave him easily jus like words said? If its that easy, it wont be painful and i will have leave earlier.

Marriage is a important. However, it is just a cert that certified u are married to each other in the eyes of witnesses and law. However, it is not a measurement of the deapth of love for each other. I treasure marriage, but at the same time, i dont want to lose him.

If he is not true to me, why would he bring me to his place? Wont he afraid i will make a scene there if he dump me?

If he is not true to me, why would he sacrifice and make time for me?

If he is not true to me, why will he borrow money from his friends to lent me when i need it for emergency?

If he is not true to me, why he introduce me to his buddies and friends?

If he is not true to me, why he take the risk to bring me out and overseas?

If he is not true to me, why he risk being caught adultery by holding and hugging me in public due to my saddness and pain ?

But come again...

If he is true to me, why will he still check into hotel (his wife living with her lover(XK))with his wife hiding it from me?

If he is true to me, why did he not take up a seperation deed to make me feel better?

If he is true to me, why wont he change his status that he is in a relationship with me in Facebook?

If he is true to me, why wont he dare upload our pictures in facebaook? Jus like what his wife has done?

I really dont know... Since his wife dare to post her lover and her picture on facebook, why he dare not? i dont understand...

 

[enxuan]

Milo, i admit i sleep with (J) behind (D)'s back. I have told him to break up but he did not want to. And it only once after i sleep with (J), i begin to miss (J) more and neglected (D). Then, (D) realise our relationship really cant go on, den we broken up lastly. And after that, i have been with (J) ..

 

[miloice]

You had been in the situation of 2 timing yourself. Of all the why questions, maybe you could also ask yourself. J isn't honest. Face it, he has selfish agendas himself. And with emotions, no one is completely clear.

You are trying to add points for you to continue believing in the relationship. Do you want a relationship with someone that leaves you guessing half the time. Why hold on to a relationship if its not bringing you happiness? Realize one thing, many things in life isn't easy. We don't just make easy decisions. We make the right and important decision no matter how hard they are because we know what we want and needed. So, u need to clear up your mind and figure this out. Is this really the decision you want. Don't excuse yourself its hard, its never easy.

 

[sgbabydoll]

En Xuan, other forummers have covered many aspects, so let me just address you on one aspect which I feel is important - There is no need to rush into cementing a new or young relationship. Time will tell you all the answers you are seeking - Whether J truly loves you, whether he can be trusted and whether he really wants to marry you eventually. You will know.

When two people who are new to each other get together, there is a lot of chemistry at play that causes them to FEEL in love.

So what happens when the chemistry fizzles nine or 18 months later? Well, what holds them together in the long run would be the presence of several ingredients, including open communication, mutual respect and shared value system, etc. Won't hurt at all if sexual compatibility is thrown in.

DO NOT love blindly.

 

[elizann]

En Xuan, everything is about YOU.

Have you ever thought about the child? Do you have her interests at heart?

The poor child...I can see how unhappy she will be in future if you get together with him.

If you truly love him, pls love his child first.

 

[cuclainne]

TS sounds young and impressionable ..

 

[sonypeh]

she is only 22years old.

And it's so surprising she is leading this kind of life.

Like the chinese saying, when u climb many mountains u definitely will across tiger.

 

[sonypeh]

i wonder why some 'girl' are so naive. She know that the man is not reliable and still continue with him saying is 'love'.

How much does she know what is love where all the men that she slept with is having a fling with her. The only different between her and prositute is that prositute are paid for the service while she is offering free.

 

[miloice]

The reason why I'm pointing out the double standards is because you seem to be quick to excuse yourself. It is not as neutral pov as you think it is. From a neutral perspective, how can the kid becomes your source of resentment and blame when its all affairs of the adults involved, u, J, HL and her lover.

Just because he claims he is trying to patch back with his wife for his daughter, and you take his word literally. If he is caring for the people involved, you included, would he have allowed things to be this messy? The reason for holding onto 2 persons is primarily a selfish one. He dates you while still holding hopes for his marriage.

Similarly for you to have a sexual relationship with J while continuing to date D previously. All these are adult selfish personal reasons. Don't blame the kid for it.

 

[thommy]

"If she is a good wife, good mother, i will definately leave as i will be breaking up a good family. But, i wsnt in the knowing that he was married."

Your thinking is just so wrong on so many fronts.

Even if she isn't a good wife/mother, what gives you the right to break them up? Their own family problems, let them go settle themselves, they don't need you to poke your nose into their affairs. Don't play judge when you can't even handle your own problems in the first place.

Get a life girl, you really need one.

 

[serene_yam]

Dear Enxuan,

Yes I think J is very in love with you.
Yes I think J will put his daughter away when he wants to have sex with you.
Yes I think J will want to marry you perhaps 3yrs from now when he finally gets his divorce finalized.
Yes I think J is right in beating his wife when he knew his wife has been sleeping around.
Yes I think J is right in not letting you know he's married when he slept with you the first few times.
Yes I think J treats you very good and is very sensitive to your likes and dislikes, your needs and desires.
Yes I think.....

You feel happier to hear this? Great! Better to be happy yourself, who cares what we forummers say?

 

[blingbride]

I agree with Thomas, what makes you think you have the right to come between a couple since they are having issues between themselves? It's the bond they share be it they are happy with each other or not. There are different types of couple relationships out there. Be it good terms or bad terms, some couples stick through it and come over it. There are couples who even forgive the other's infidelity and stick together.. Thus, this is one couple who have not even officially divorced and called it quits and they may come together anytime for the sake of the child or even their love for each other.

Both J and yourself have not been true to yourselves or the other right from the start and you have alot of mess to clear up. Only J knows best what he wants out of you and what's his intentions. None of us here can judge him perfectly. But basically, he seems unsure of his wants himself by going back and forth with you and his wife.. You are still young and I dont think you are very sure bout life and relationships in depth yet. Perhaps you just feel attracted to each other and feel good with each other.. Overall, this whole thing is just so wrong..

 

[joiedevivre]

Hi En Xuan,

I know you are deeply in love with this man, J, and you don’t want to leave him. But love is a two-way thing. If the love between you and him was so strong, then you wouldn’t even need to come to this forum in the first place right?

The fact that you’re here and is trying to seek advice shows that you have serious doubts about this relationship. On this, you must be very clear. You can be positive about a relationship, but being positive doesn’t mean ignoring the bad signs. For example, if you see a red sports car coming very fast towards you and is about to hit you on the road, will you siam or will you continue to stand there, hoping that it won’t hit you?

Most likely you will jump out of the way right? I certainly hope so. The same logic applies to your relationship.

From what you have posted, there are a few very bad signs about J. These are warning signs are telling you that you should reconsider your attachment and dependence on him very seriously.

First, he lied to you about something very important: the fact that he is still married and has a daughter.

Yes, he may have introduced you to his friends, brought you to his place, held your hand in public, etc, These are signs that he likes you. But think about it… didn’t your previous boyfriends do all of these things too? These are normal things that men will do if they really like a girl. You cannot look at these things and conclude that his love for you is true. They are not accurate signs of lasting love. Any guy will do these things for a girl he likes, but does it mean that he will be like that forever? How many break-ups have you gone through already? You tell me what you think the answer is.

Obviously, he is attracted to you. That is for sure. But does he love you wholeheartedly? That is the question. If you want a secure long-term relationship, you have to look out for less obvious things. Character is very important.

J lied about his marital status to you. I will understand if he just met you and didn’t want to turn you off. But he should have told you once you and him started the relationship. Yet he didn’t.

Second bad sign… he checked into a hotel with his wife. You are very committed to J right? You tell me… will you check into a hotel with your ex boyfriend? This comparison should show you the difference between your love for him and his love for you.

Third bad sign. He said that he cheated on his wife because she cheated on him first. There are quite a few people on this forum whose spouses strayed and who are in the process of getting a divorce. You can go and ask them… did they cheat on their spouse just to get back at them for cheating first? To me, his tic-for-tac excuse sounds very childish.

Fourth, he hit his wife. He said that it was because she hit him first. Again, similar to the above, to me, it shows his tic-for-tac childishness. His wife is a woman, he is a man. Whose hit is more painful and can cause more pain?

It seems that his wife wasn’t exactly a very nice person, but neither is he. The way he responds to his wife’s actions shows you his revengeful character. Are you prepared to live with someone who will give you an eye for an eye for everything wrong that you do? In fact, when faced with the situations that he did, many men would just suffer the heartbreak, divorce the wife or walk away from the fight. But he chose to bite back. You have to think carefully for yourself whether this is the character of a man who can give you happiness.

Besides, since his wife has even posted photos of her and her lover on FB, telling him that she wants a separation and divorce, what is stopping him? He says he loves you truly, and yes, he shows you affection and comforts you when you are sad, but when it comes to the times that he has to show his absolute commitment to you, he fails to do so.

If you don’t want to break up with him yet, I suggest you have a good talk with him (no sex) and find out what’s the problem on his side. There should be no problem with divorce if you are willing to accept his daughter.

 

[blingbride]

joiedevire, something you mentioned sparked this thought in me:
"It seems that his wife wasn’t exactly a very nice person, but neither is he. The way he responds to his wife’s actions shows you his revengeful character."

He doesnt seem to move away from you nor end it with his wife, if I could be right to say this, could it be that he is trying to get back at his wife/make her jealous by having you around? Could he be using you? That would be worst case scenario as it would make you nothing less then a scapegoat.

 

[sonypeh]

not scapegoat - Sex Slave.............

 

[thommy]

"I suggest you have a good talk with him (no sex)"

I think very difficult for her since she's so smitten with J...any nice cajoling honeyed words will do the trick again...

let's hope she don't end up pregnant and create an even bigger mess for herself than it already is.

 

[lovingyou]

En Xuan, he was wearing his wedding band when you 1st met him, he was still doing that though the wife left him months ago? What does it shows? how long have you know him? Do you realli know him that well? Why did the wife left him and her child? Was it becoz the wife is also as young or was it realli becoz life is that unbearable to be with him? We only see the good points when we are in the honeymoon stage, but is the person realli that good as who he might seems?

Agree with Thomas, please do use safety precautions...

 

[junn]

enxuan... when a guy need ur body he can say wadever good things on u.. no matter how ugly or fat are u...than wouldnt mind as long they can sex... above all da good things u mention that J did for u.....any guy will do that if he still wanna kept u as a sex partner.....but when da time they get bored of u...u will know how evil a guy can be.... never trust on a guy even one day da guy bcome ur husband...trust only urself!!
me myself go thru wad u are doing now.... thats is why im telling u do not trust any guy

for my case da wife divorce him due to his true color and he abandon us (me and my baby gal) b4 da wife divorce him, and now his family come to my side and wanna take my baby gurl after knowing that he got no chance with his ex wife anymore..
this is how cruel a guy can be

 

[red_garnet]

not just sex slave. you're a spare tyre too. to him, you're just a willing party who satisfy his sexual needs without question. he already has the upper hand in which he leaves you guessing his true feelings and intentions. don't go thinking that giving a man sex will tie him to you.

i won't be surprised if, at the end of the whole thing, he patches things up with his wife, tell everyone if they want to have an easy woman to have sex with, you're the one and, at the end of it all, leaving you to eat your own bitter fruit.

 

[whereto]

you are too in love to see what lies beneath. Dont have to think too far ahead, who knows probably its you who got sick of him 1st once his wife really left him.

 

[francaisco]

Sorry to say this, but En Xuan is those type most guy will want as girlfriend... But no guy will want to marry.

I think overall, it is purely sexual.

 

[enxuan]

littlewomen, the ring he was wearing wasnt his wedding band. its a gift from his mom when he was 18. He showed me his wedding band. It was broken. thanks for ur advise ...

 

[enxuan]

littlewoman, Btw, his wife is same age as me. she told me it was unbearable to stay with him...

 

[enxuan]

msg cope and paste from facebook of what his wife message me. Direct copy and paste.

'I believe u know who i am.. i know what is going on between u and my ex husband.. please advice him to get divorced so we can carry on each with our own lifes... No point dragging on..Its been 8months already.. I have told him to do so to at least give you a status.. Appreaciate if you can get him to sign the papers.. For your own good and if he truly loves you.. Be good to my daughter its important..It's impossible between me and him sinced 28th march when he layed hands on me for dont know how many times.. Rest assured i am leaving him for good.. You are a smart girl, you know what to do..'

 

[star_dust]

just a passing thought - if J has violent tendencies, why is his wife willing to leave their daughter with him?

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi En Xuan,

Since there is no hindrance from his wife, things will be simpler.

Steps to follow :

1. J divorces his wife. They have joint custody of their daughter.

2. J marrys you. You accept his daughter and ex-wife with smile. They will be a constant in your life.

3. J and you have children of your own.
Family gathering will consists of not only your family but ex-wife and daughter as well.

4. You will have a happy marriage if you can accept.

 

[enxuan]

His Wife msg me:

'19th nov 4plus am check his posb card transaction which hotel he was at with me.. i dont have to name it any further you sld know wat happened...'

i confronted (J) right after this and he told me that his wife is just trying to get hold of concrete evidence of our affair and counter sue him for adultery during divorce for the custody of the child. therefore, i choose to tell her that (J) and i were friends only...

My reply to her:

"oic.. Its oki for him to check into hotel with you.. Ù are his wife still.. I dun understand why ù need to inform me about my friend having sex with ú.. Its normal.. Just that i cant imagine how cheap ù are by being his wife, still sleep and miscarriage xiang kai 's baby."

His wife replied :

Pot calling the kettle black havent u heard of it, you yourself miscarrried too *shocked*...sorry im no longer his wife long ago i have not been with him for 8months..More then 6months im considered separated from him its all law..You want to say me cheap it doesnt affect me but only show how much u cared about it...so what if its under law im still his wife..u can lie to others but not to yourself..At least (XK) & me admit we loved each other before, wanted our own baby but wasnt successfu,l though we arent together now..Ask (XK) the same thing he will tell u that too.. how about him? he dont even want to file for divorce to give u an answer, an assurance...
I was in your shoes before 3 years ago but just that he wasnt married.. He had this girlfriend (JOS) in my friend list they were together for 2years.. Also like u i dated him and most of the time he meet her up, called her and all...I got fed up so I left with (XK), he found out so after all that incident married me so i wont go back to kai.. And i know (XK) for 10years already.. HIt me when i was 3months pregnant, u know why, illegal soccer betting online.. Down the road of my pregnacy hit me throw me out of house for 3days i was 6months preggy..I just gave birth he hit me 6 times in my head on different occasion till he joined (his current profession).. I just filed court order this year on our wedding anniversary cause he hit me again when i found out he was betting illegally again..He lost 30k on betting all my confinement money went to his debts.. He was never home at all at night when i went to sleep.. Out with girls at pub i knew but i kept quiet.. Never took care of the child..Not even once..

If u consider me cheap i would say no man will want a married women, not to say one that has given birth before..(XK) is good looking isnt he? Why would he want me when he got such good requirements that he can get any other women who is more prettier then me? Doesnt make sense?

That jerk kept asking back for our wedding band, you should know why.. If you dont care you wont even approach (XK) for information.. Women should use their brains not let their heart rule their head.. If i was like you i wont be successful in life like i am now doing most things girls wished to experience like flying, now i am a part time model.. I am doing a good thing giving you advice.. Yes i am a bitch so what.. I am a good one at that.. you want to deny by all means cause when time comes it will tell, i wont tell you what i have and what i can do.. Its up to you to believe and think instead of listening to his lies and lies and more lies... Run before u suffer the same fate as me.. Or change him if u can, cause even me a woman carried his child and i gave him a child cant change him what chance do you think u stand.. Its so despicable that he uses you to hurt me but it didnt worked because only when the person is in love with a particular person then can she get hurt by the one she loved most.. And doing what he tells you to reply is stupid thing to do.. He told me kai kept asking you out for date after u approach kai, why to hurt me.. USing you.. You have brains to think i dont have to carry on.. You want evidence to help you think ask from kai he has all my abused pictures.. That's all i have to say..

Ps. Thank him for the minnie mouse he gave me but i threw it right away cause it stink of jerk smell.. "

My reply:

"(HL), jus for ur info... i didnt miscarry my baby... i choose to abort it years back. Due to career and for the best of my future... i love babies and kids, but i jus not willing to sacrifice my future for my baby. Jus like how u are now, it's harder to let go and settle things if i was to marry my bf then. my name EnXuan was change to remember her. I named her "Jing Xuan" and not miscarry her. I dunnno how u get to think it was a miscarriage but probably thru my conversation with Clare on my fb wall.

Regarding (J), i really not interested to find out abt his past. I have my past too. I am jus as fu*k up as he is. Giving people a chance to change is best and learn to forgive. I have done worse and my ex all forgive me. i have no right to judge a person by his past. Even if it's jus friends or lovers, or family members... Humans are not born perfect and tends to make mistakes. It's only if u can accept and forgive, or jus leave and say goodbye. I dont believe in taking revenge or making someone pay for my hurt and anger. Because at the end of the day, the choice and path is chosen by yourself. We do will make wrong choices as we are humans.

Regarding (XK), i treat as a fren and not an information counter. I dont need his information to be his fren. Right from the start, it's his on record to feed me all your info. i have not ask him from my own. However, i am not pushing the blame to him. I am really also curious what's going on between both u and (J). Jus curious. Dont think too much. I dun need a guy to survive.

Btw, regarding your SilkAir issue. I jus informing u that, the HR department will be considering my appeal for Waiver of the liquidated damages owed by u. If u can, try to settle this. Thanks !

As for your girl, it's really hurting of u to leave her behind and run to find ur own happiness. If u really love her, u should consider her feelings before u decide to go to Kai. Do you know that u will hurt her emotionally forever? She is jus a child. But wad u done cannot be undone, i grew up as a kid where my family is divorced too. Jus tat i followed my mum side. i can understand and know how she will feel if she grow up without u around anymore. Please do in future consider ur children feelings before your own. Its selfish and sad. Luckily she is only around 2, probably she can learn to forget.

Please dont bring up anymore issues regarding my baby, this has nothing got to do with 3 of u. In future if u need to contact me, u can reach me at 9*******. We can talk amicably, i am not unreasonable. I apologise if i do said things to slander you or offensive, i didnt hear ur side of story. However, which is the truth, i really dun need to know. It's the present i care, not the past. i wish you all the best and may u and (XK) find happiness.

Yours Sincerely,
En Xuan "



His wife reply:

" Then I don't think u learnt your lesson. Do not step in if it has nothing to do with u if u want nothing to do with us then u are not doing the right thing. People always denied their own mistake I understand but it's not his or her right to accuse or judge others especially as view of a third party I.e to say u. It's very clear cut and obvious u wanted to be involve for wat I dunno also dun want to know but please don't force me to do the extreme this I must tell u is to protect myself from getting hurt anymore shame on u I am all alone without anyone I font blame anyone but I know I am strong enough to do that any normal peoe I believe wouldn't survive and my rule of survival is not for u to judge like I say if u can do better then it's ur own problem too which I doubt u can't cause u nv will understand. I am not like that but these 3 years with James changed me. I must warn u despite ur continously denied. I know all of u and thank u if smart enough then might consider to b I*t*h of this strange ordeal
Sent via Facebook Mobile "



My reply:

"what are ù talkin about? I dun understand what you mean.. What lesson you want me to learn?! Are ù my teacher? Or are ù in anyway better than me? Or are ù so perfect to teach me a lesson? Who are you to me? Stop disturbin me and leave me alone. Or i'll open a civil case for you for cyber harassment. Let's stop here. I've nothin to say to you."



Her reply:

"As for my daughter like I said previously not to judge someone. Let me give u a few factors to brainstorm. U think I don't want her and don't her? K that's generally wat people thinks but as a mother living a life like mine u think I can give he happiness rented room work and work. U think I don't take her away becaus I don't love her? I consider her everything for her. U were in my shoe I think u hink the same I hav no family to back me up if I do u think (J) would have the daughter with him now? I bloody hell snatch. Like most people see I left my husdband Gaya bad women but does anyone see the reason and story behind it? People like u? No! People around (J) will hear his side of story and my daughter like u guys will also do the same. U think I happy to let him tell my daughter how bad I am? As a mother which is not true that I don't want her. If I stole her away and flag a cab how long can I feed her. Her sch0oling how? How big is my sacrifice? To let my daughter think bad of me but for her future I let it be. When (J) talk about his wife, me has he ever mentioned what he did? No! Cause I know him he is balless. A man who doesn't admits shit. And like u my daughter will be phycho to hate her mother which is me. What James did to save his own ass? Use daughter as a bait to let me drop his charges? How many times I quarrel with(XK) for my daughter how many times I cried at night for her. All these things. IS THE MAN I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH. If I had the ability and money and family it would be different. As for u, you weren't in my shoe so I don't think u can judge me and say anything about me. Gullible. Happy trip to bintan with (J) I hope u have lots of memories there ahaha ok that's all I can tip you with."

Then, i stopped there as i feel it's going nowhere to argue with her. It's just hurts and getting me to think i dont understand (J) well...

Its is also after all these msg that i know she is also with at least 4 other guys other than (XK) during her marriage with (J). As the world is so small. Friends in facebook as mutual friend. Those guys happen to be my friend or related. One even happens to be my brother in law's buddy. Concrete evidence of their intimate photos.

 

[infojunkie]

TS, too much information liao... read again and take away what need to be taken away...

 

[francaisco]

i choose to abort it years back. Due to career and for the best of my future... i love babies and kids, but i jus not willing to sacrifice my future for my baby.

Is it just me, or is the above statement just stink of contradiction?

If you love baby, you won't get pregnant accidentally....
If you love baby, you won't go for an abortion unless its a life and death thingy...
If you love baby, you won't give it up for your career...
If you love baby, you won't sacrifice it for your own future, isn't a baby your future too?

If you are not willing to sacrifice your own needs for your baby, then you don't love baby...

You only love yourself.

 

[cuclainne]

little girl ..