In love with A married man ...

[enxuan]

Hi En Xuan,

Since there is no hindrance from his wife, things will be simpler.

Steps to follow :

1. J divorces his wife. They have joint custody of their daughter.

2. J marrys you. You accept his daughter and ex-wife with smile. They will be a constant in your life.

3. J and you have children of your own.
Family gathering will consists of not only your family but ex-wife and daughter as well.

4. You will have a happy marriage if you can accept.

Dear Albee:

(J) does not want a joint custody as he believes she may take her away in future. However, his wife is leaving for Swiss in April. IF they file for divorce in MArch, is it possible still?

As their marriage is 3 years only in March 2010.

OR any possibility of appeal?

Secondly, i will never accept a family outing with his wife. Call me selfish.. But, i will difinately not let my own children see her. There's no need for that and i wont want to risk (HL) dirtying my children's thoughts. I can accept her daughter to be with us or her daughter to go out with her. But not his wife joining my side. Call me selfish or anything, but i am protecting my children and myself too.

Neither i think i can accept (J) having his own family outing with his ex wife and thier daughter after the divorce. I jus cant share the thought of sharing him.

My parents are divorce too. I myself did not see my biological dad in my growing up years till only recently. twice last year when he is moving house. He is like a total stranger to me and i have no topic to talk to him. I am happy in my current family. In fact, i am closer to my step dad than my mom.

Thus, i guess its ok for me to love their daughter as my own. But, i wish she can bond with me. Jus like my step dad and me.

But, i fear i cant have my own family and children in future. (J) have not been using condoms and been most occasions ejeculates inside me. But, i wasnt by chance pregnant.

I fear this may cause chance of his wife and him to be together or have affair even (J) and i am married. I consider adoption... But, its still not a good option. If (J) went back to his wife in future after if we get to married, the adopted child will be suffering. Cos he wont feel the need and importance of the child more than his own. And i dont want the adopted child to suffer this.

In fact, i have been leaving to fate if i am pregnant by any chance. This will help in holding my relationship with (J).

 

[enxuan]

Dear Franz,

i didnt choose to get pregnant. We did consider marriage that point of time. But, i dont want to risk bringing up my child and not being able to give her everything.

Dont you think i wont feel the pain for aborting her? We tried using contraceptive then. But, i still get pregnant with my bf of 3 years.

Bringing up a child is not easy. A lot of expense. i wan to give my child everything the best. I am crying everytime i miss her.

Do u know the pain and hurt of sharing the same breathe and heartbeat of your own baby and seeing its growth ? Then it u the same person who give its life is taking it away too ??

Do u know the pain of walkin into the abortion room and lying there for the doctor to take the life of ur little one away?

Do u know how u miss the morning sickness and food craving ur baby is giving u when its inside ur womb? Though its uncomfortable, but its effect that makes the baby's presence felt...

Do you know while i was in the process of the abortion, i woke up and beg the doctor to stop and tell him:"dont take my bay away?" the doctors have to give me another jab to make me go to sleep again... I walk up crying inside the resting room, cos i know its gone. Do u know that pain???

I dont want to get pregnant then and i too dont want to abort it...

 

[ckgal]

En Xuan, actually how rotten they are, it does not mean what u are doing now is right.

Look in the mirror and reflect what kind of life u are leading?

 

[margret]

anyway, look at the situations. If the wife is really having so many men, do u not think that your BF would have file for divorce. What is he waiting for?

 

[carrot_carrot]

'In fact, i have been leaving to fate if i am pregnant by any chance. This will help in holding my relationship with (J).'

What a dangerous thought!

 

[lisara]

Too much info in your cut and paste section... names are all exposed.

And please practice safe sex! You don't even have a status with J and you are not having any qualms falling pregnant now? With J still having sex with his wife who in turn has many men in her life... it's just unthinkable the chance of diseases being passed around...

 

[francaisco]

i didnt choose to get pregnant. We did consider marriage that point of time. But, i dont want to risk bringing up my child and not being able to give her everything.

>> Honestly, you don't have to give a child everything, that's our own thinking. A child just need to be loved, treasured and protected. Of course basic needs are still a must.

Dont you think i wont feel the pain for aborting her? We tried using contraceptive then. But, i still get pregnant with my bf of 3 years.
>> No contraception is 100% safe. Safest way of not being pregnant is... not to have sex

I dont want to get pregnant then and i too dont want to abort it...

>>Honestly, if you let a guy ejeculate inside you, not only are you risking yourself against sexually transmitted disease, you will also risk getting pregnant.

Bringing up a child might not be as expensive as you think.

I know of parents who spent 1K a month on the child.

I also know of parents who are only earning 1.5K a month and still able to bring up 2 smart kids

 

[miloice]

so much information with names and everything.

And I see obvious selective reading and double standards on your part. While your abortion is completely fine because you had reasons but not so for his wife. She is plain cheap and selfish. And you seem to think only your teacher can advise you. So, please write to or call your teacher. Hard to advise you on anything if you are so insistent about your opinion. GOOD LUCK!

 

[chilliinketchup]

Too many entries to read but I managed to see one about hoping to get pregnant.

I think it's very naive for u to think that by getting pregnant with xiang kai's baby (referred to as J) would help to hold on your relationship with him.

He has got a daughter with his ex-wife, yet still ended up in a divorce lor.

 

[hoddioo]

enxuan

if j divorce hl and gains custody of the child, do you think hl will never ever visit her daughter in the future?

from ur conversations with her, she seems like a really nasty person and there is a good chance she will come back to wreck your new family (with J and his daughter)

 

[knottymomo]

chilli - J is James, not xiang kai leh.

 

[elizann]

I really feel sorry for TS. I hope she can wake up as soon as possible. Enxuan, pls do not walk deeper and deeper into this hole.

 

[joiedevivre]

It's obvious that TS has made up her mind to stay wif the guy...

But he is nt even signing the separation papers n u r already planning for ur future n hoping to get pregnant? Have u discussed ur "pregnancy plan" wif him?

I tink it's better u don't get pregnant, or else u may jus bring another child into this world without a father.

Sorry to sound rude, but if u wan to mess up ur own life, go ahead. Pls dun bring an unwanted baby into this world to make him or her suffer. It is cruel.

 

[denise80]

En Xuan,

True that u don't want to judge a person by his or her past because u claimed u had a horrible past too. But don't forget, u still have the right to choose ur future. There is definitely truth in what his wife msged to you and that is, J is definitely a violent person. A violent man is NEVER a good man so please take heed. Doesn't mean u had a bad past means u don't deserve better too. U're really young and U'll only regret later on in ur life for not looking further.

 

[joiedevivre]

Just a quote for u...

“A female colleague once told me advice that I must share with my daughter, and pound for pound it’s the best advice I ever heard. She told me, “It took a long time, but I finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do. That’s it.â€
— ~ Randy Pausch

Only look at the actions of J. They r the only things that count.

 

[mistral]

What struck me was the amount of negativity surrounding this relationship:

- There was a fair bit of dishonesty from both parties (from TS, betrayal towards her boyfriend; from J, a lack of frankness about his marital status)

- The relationship became physical without allowing sufficient time to build strong emotional bonds. And it seems in this case, TS was more vulnerable and caved in faster;

- TS unable to accept the implications of a long-term relationship (eg having his child and ex-wife, if they do divorce) with J, much as she claims she loves him and wants to be with him forever;

- TS' need to dig into J's past by reaching out to his wife (technically they're still married even if separated), exchanging messages that only bring out the less pleasant aspects of J (but somehow, all these are brushed aside by TS) and his wife;

- The possibility that history could repeat itself a few years from now (eg. J could turn his violent streak on TS).

Somehow, I just don't feel that a relationship born from negativity could end well...

TS, you have a right to decide how you want to live your life. I hope you'll consider cooling off the relationship for a period of say 3-4 months. This could give you time to objectively look at the situation and determine if you really see a bright and happy future with this man (and surely a bright and future is something we should work towards and not shortchange ourselves from). And it will certainly allow the negativity of the relationship to dissipate. After which you could rebuild your relationship (if it's meant to last, 4 months' wait is well worth it) in a healthy manner.

All the best to you.

 

[bforestz]

i think someone shd hand en xuan the korean drama 'Cruel intentions' dvd..the one that is showing on channel u at 7 pm....i can only say one thing...like the show, a man who cheats on his wife, will not hesitate to cheat on u later..history will always repeat itself...

 

[blingbride]

I seriously think this girl is nuts! After saying and hearing so much, she just ends up saying

" (J) does not want a joint custody as he believes she may take her away in future. However, his wife is leaving for Swiss in April. IF they file for divorce in MArch, is it possible still?

As their marriage is 3 years only in March 2010.

OR any possibility of appeal?

Secondly, i will never accept a family outing with his wife. Call me selfish.. But, i will difinately not let my own children see her. There's no need for that and i wont want to risk (HL) dirtying my children's thoughts. I can accept her daughter to be with us or her daughter to go out with her. But not his wife joining my side. Call me selfish or anything, but i am protecting my children and myself too.

Neither i think i can accept (J) having his own family outing with his ex wife and thier daughter after the divorce. I jus cant share the thought of sharing him. "

She can still be seeking ways to get the wife out of his life now so that she can marry him. She has been told so much about this man and I bet she hasnt even taken any steps to find out if they are true and is he a good man but simply wants to get tied down to him. YOU ARE JUST DIGGING YOUR OWN GRAVE!

Think we ppl should just leave her to do what she deems fit. She is simply in this 'hazed phase' and insists on doing it her way. By the time you wake up from your dream, IT WILL BE TOO LATE. Good luck

 

[enxuan]

Thanks Everyone,

i have read all ur replies and thank you for ur time. I'll end this thread here.

EnXuan

 

[elizann]

just one sentence:

I feel sad for En Xuan.

 

[miloice]

Why sad? Everyone needs to walk the walk and learn from our experience. She will learn hers in her walk that she chose.

No one is a better teacher than the path itself.

 

[thommy]

no need to feel sad for her eliz, its the path she has chosen for herself and can blame nobody even if things do not go her way.

 

[elizann]

cos she refuses to listen to all of our advice.what she is doing is no different from destroying her own life....a pity.

 

[miloice]

Why pity? No one can lead another by the nose. Advise offered need not be accepted. She is free to do as she will. But, when she falls, few would pity her for turning to deaf ears on the obvious signs written all over the wall.

 

[pinktweet]

Just read the entire thread.

My take is:
Nobody has the right to judge another person cos there is no reason to do so. The only mistake that TS has made is her airing of her experiences (in such great details) in the public forum for all to attack and criticise her. Other than that, there is no right or wrong in whatever path she took or chose to take. As long as she feels it's right, then it's right for her in her point of view.

 

[miloice]

Agree, its her life her call. It might turn out well for all we know. That's why I wish her luck.

 

[hub_hub_wee_wee]

En Xuan,
Do what you like.Do what you think is correct because it is you who want to live with J not others.Moreover you will understand more what happens and how he treat you.But remember do not regret in future.And since this is your choice,you must can bear what ever happens in future whether happy or sad.GoodLuck.

 

[chilliinketchup]

I think the TS didn't expect to get flamed here jialat jialat when all she hope for was everybody/somebody to empathize with her, and give her the assuarance that J is a good guy.

When u start criticizing her beloved James, she gets all so defensive and started self-explaining her way out.

Tell her what she wants to hear lah.

Go! Go! James is a good guy. To err is human, to forgive is divine. Give him a chance. I am sure he'll change ALL BECAUSE OF U. ("!)

 

[blingbride]

It can be painful to accept and digest that your man might be cheating on you or untrue to you.. After all you may be or may not be seriously into him and simply living in denial now. But you got to realize that this is not going to get you anywhere good in the end. You may just be in the 'enjoy now suffer later' phase in your life now and looking at the brighter side of all the things around you but that may just be your self denial.

You have to understand one thing, for someone in a situation, you fail to see the bigger picture but people outside that circle see the details better than you can and tend to pick points you never saw or felt. Take the comments here with a pinch of salt and analyse how true they could be. It could save you any future hurt or even your future! Love is blind and can cost some people their lives. You may just face a few weeks or months of heartbreak after you move away from this J now, but should you continue and get yourself into a deeper mess, just to find out that you had actually been taken advantage of, it might be too late to get out unburnt.

Keep your emotions aside and think with a clear and sensible mindset. You will be asking yourself lots of questions bout J and this relationship that you have been finding excuses to console yourself with all this while. Really hope you will wake up soon. Face reality. Doesnt mean that cos you trust and love this person so much, they will be living up to your trust and expectations level. Your beliefs are only yours, the person could be anything but worthy.

 

[joiedevivre]

Easy to say do things until you have no more regrets. Some wounds, like the wounds of break-up or divorce, can heal over time. I agree. So in a sense, it is actually okay for her to try and continue with him until she finally sees his true colours (which hopefully will be good).

But she must protect herself too. Otherwise, this relationship, should it end, may leave permanent marks or "burdens" that she will have to carry with her for the rest of her life. I believe that's why forumers are advising En Xuan to be smarter, especially in her sexual relations with her married boyfriend.

Not to be so foolish as to get pregnant with his child when he has only given her verbal sweet words, but has not even separated from his legal wife. She has already had an abortion in the past. It is bad, both emotionally and physically, for her to have another abortion. It may affect her fertility or make her feel even more guilty.

Some regrets you can live with, but there are some burdens you can never shake off. So just be careful En Xuan, if you are still reading this. Hope you're not hurt by the words on this forum. I think everyone meant well.

 

[serene_yam]

We definitely mean well for her, else wouldn't be spending time here to even type out. But I realise that there are people who only want to listen to advice that are sweet to their ears and according to what they have thought about their situation. What they want, is only for us to reaffirm their mindset. Well, to each his own, it's her life. we've done our best in giving her both the pros and cons of this relationship and her man.

 

[texasholdem]

she had already shut her ears and eyes already..don't bother to carry on in this thread. she's not going to reply

Posted on Tuesday, January 19, 2010 - 11:09 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks Everyone,

i have read all ur replies and thank you for ur time. I'll end this thread here.

EnXuan

 

[lovingyou]

All the best to her..

 

[enxuan]

TPK, i'm still reading. Jus remaining low profile.

 

[texasholdem]

oops..i thought u end this thread already..

 

[elizann]

Hi Enxuan, we all do definetely mean well, otherwise we will not have type so much. Enxuan, the most important thing is to find out how true he is to you. A man who is still tied to his wife can't be true to you yet. I know my words can hurt, but I, just like the other forumers here, all mean well.

take care

 

[simpleman]

At times in live we would need to walk the path and experience it to learn from it.

Many a times, we don't even learn from our experiences..

It is something she has to learn. But it is really unwise and pointless to entangle with his wife.. exchanges of messages etc etc really not necessary. she will still feel she has found her happiness no matter what other people are saying.

And don't have to judge the wife.. she has a right to do and choose her life.. However bad she is, it does not necessarily make J a good man or a good husband. She has to judge J for what he is..

 

[lovingyou]

A person has his or her past, he or she might also change for the better / worse... love is just a small factor for happiness..

 

[texasholdem]

Some guys are just bored with their current relationship and want to have some fun out there. Some have no intention of breaking up with their current partners at all. But they may give the other women false hope with all of their tall tales.

Sometimes, women should just open their eyes and ears, to judge properly before falling for such lies.

And for those women who knowingly get involved with an attached or married man. Shame on you. Put yourself in the other woman's shoes. But I guess not, you're probably too selfish to think for others.

 

[lovingyou]

Most of the people only know of the other partners' true status after they realise that they have fallen rather deep into the r/s or with the other person. It is a matter of rationality vs emotional turmoil. Not realli the point of being "selfish"...

 

[texasholdem]

When Men want to have fun, he can forget that he is attached, married. Cos they have 2 brains. If they used the other brain (down under), that's it. Its fun time, anything else worry later.
Women make love (for their loved ones or someone she likes), Men have sex (Men can have it with anyone (even they don't love that person) for pure sexual needs).

The theory that guys have evolved over the years to try to spread their seeds is bull****, they have evolved over the years to try to take advantage of the fact that they don't suffer serious repercussions of the things they are doing is rather more likely. Evolution: If an insect stands out from their background, they will get eaten. So they have evolved not to stand out from their background ( by camouflage)

Similarly, if guys suffered severe repercussions everytime they cheated like losing everything or getting abused, they wouldn't do it too. Society portrays it as "Oh it's normal for a man to cheat." You are giving him excuses by saying that. He doesn't even have to find his own excuse himself. A lot of times the girls don't even break up with them after they cheat. So what is there to deter them? What do they lose?

In the past, women get beaten to death or drowned in pig's cages when they are found to be adulterous or find they are left without a home if they are not virtuous, so now that it doesn't happen anymore and women are financially independent as well.. we find more women having flings and affairs as well.

 

[miloice]

If you look at history of most societies, polygramy isn't uncommon. When we talk about evolution, the society is slowly growing towards monogramy and away from the suppression of the physically weaker gender. It is not something instinctive but cultural and moral.

It is not bullshit to talk about instincts. Let's not pretend it doesn't exist. Everyone has instincts be it male or female. But to excuse ourselves because of instincts is denial of civilizations, morals and how humans have really evolved beyond instincts alone. We are different from animals because there is no one natural behavior. We are very much influenced by our evolved thoughts and definitely capable of reacting beyond animal instincts.

 

[helpless_fallen_angel]

I was involved with a married man 2 years ago, while I myself was married. I turned a deaf ear to advice to leave him and stubbornly held on to the hope of having him to myself one day. I gave up everything to be with him, even my marriage. My career suffered as a result of these personal issues and in the end I left my job as a highly paid manager in a bank.

He claimed to love me deeply, and I foolishly believed him. Although deep down I knew he would never leave his wife, I decided to waste my life away by being with a man that could not commit. Then one day, he just stopped contacting me. Efforts to meet ended up futile. Only after several months later did he tell me that his wife was expecting and wanted to break up with me. Apparently, I was only a tool to satisfy his desires which could be thrown away when he felt like it.

My whole world came crashing down. No lover, no husband and no job.

He got away scot free and there I was, left to pick up the broken pieces. I am in no position to blame anyone as I was in the wrong in the first place.

So the moral of the story? Stay away from married men, or you will end up in a sorry state like me. And coincidently, his name is also James.

 

[chilliinketchup]

Hey HFA,

Your English is good. Writing is short and to the point. Super clean.

Hope TS can take your experience into consideration, though I doubt she will, coz she will be telling herself that her case might not turn out as bad as yours.

 

[elizann]

I agree with HFA. When a man is married, never go near him.

If a man is ALREADY legally divorced, then it is still ok to consider a relationship with him. But if he is separated or claims to be divorced, or claims to have problems with the wife and is planning divorce/separation then never go near the man.

When I got together with my bf, I made sure he was legallly divorced. In my case, perhaps I was fortunate to have the means to do it since I still see his ex-wife time to time around church. Din talk to her at all, but it is obvious cos of her changed circumstances. But not all gals may have the means to easily check it out. So for all gals out there, if a guy claims to be divorced, or separated, pls dun believe them till u see the divorce cert and other legal documents. Stay away from such men and married men as well.

 

[ginasjm]

TS, at the end of the day, it's girls who usually loses out in the end, collecting the broken pieces. You're thinking of a baby to secure him, get real, only if he's true to you and love you for who you are will get him to be 100% committed to you, not any other factors/responsibilities. Most girls wants a man to love them for who they are and accept them for who they are. A man truly in love with you will never allow you to go through doubts and neglects your feelings by his actions (checking into hotel with his ex), where were you in his mind?? If you've committed to your decision to be with him whether it is right or wrong, I wish you the best. Life is too shorts for regrets. Open your eyes and choose the best. I hope you wun short-change yourself of the happiness you deserve.

HFA, I truly admire your sense of responsibility by accepting the outcome of your decision. Never give up in life, I pray everything will turn out good for you in the end. I always believe if it's not good, it's not the end. STay positive and move on with your life.

 

[texasholdem]

HFA,

"He got away scot free and there I was, left to pick up the broken pieces. I am in no position to blame anyone as I was in the wrong in the first place."

you shouldn't suffer in silence, you should let his wife know what type of person he is

 

[lovingyou]

Basically, it will be a gamble unless both parties got together w/o any strings attached to any other partners.

 

[pasir_ris_beach]

Eliz

Yah NEVER GO NEAR THE MARRIED GUYS but how abt the married guys keep chasing and pestering others into going out with them behind the wives backs?? How?

this part abt the married guys keep pestering others is tiring!!

 

[texasholdem]

then you should find out the married guys wives and let them know what type of person they are