Divorcing & thinking of single parenting

1

1life_liveit

New Member
Hi,
I know this sounds absurd. i m goin thru my divorce. mine is a long, sexless & childless marriage peppered with my hb infidelity with a PRC woman. i contemplate single parenting. i dun speak tis out of fun. i m in my mid 30s. i wish so much to hv my own kid. i hv given a serious thoughts to the responsibility and committment i need to offer to my kid for life. My feel is i m really for it. i hv spoken to my mum & she is encouraging as she also yearn to hv grand children. of course i won't be sleeping around.
do you think i m out of my mind?
 


theresa,

No. Not out of mind. I guess it is just maternal instinct kicking in.

But how and where do you intend to get the sperm to impregnate you if you are not sleeping with anyone.

do you intend to tell your sleeping (if you re sleeping) partner that you only want his sperm but not him?
 
Doll, according to KKH, only married couples are allowed to join their donor insemination programme (pro-family policies, what to do) http://www.kkh.com.sg/PatientHealthLibrary/WomensHealth/ProblemsConceiving/DonorInsemination.htm.

As for single adoption, you may refer to this website for more information:
http://statutes.agc.gov.sg/non_version/cgi-bin/cgi_getdata.pl?actno=1939-REVED-4&doctitle=ADOPTION%20OF%20CHILDREN%20ACT%0A&date=latest&method=whole

Do note that you have to be at least 25 years old and at least 21 years older than the child you are adopting. You can make the adoption order on your own, but that is only under special circumstances. If the child is not local, you will have to go through some legal procedures as well.

In all cases, please do consider carefully if you can provide a good family for your intended child by yourself, with a good support network not only for the child, but also for yourself, as you will need it. The government does not look kindly upon single parents, so should you head towards a divorce and become the parent of a child, you may not get the subsidies and privileges available to married women. Take care and good luck.
 
I used to think likewise.

But I feel that u better not do that. It will not make life easier.

Take care of urself. Good luck.
 
Hi all,
thanks for the concern.
i m in my mid 30s. i know life won't be easier with a kid. Yes, it's my maternal instinct & my biological clock is ticking. i may not 'fully' understd the responsibility of hvin kid alone, but the thing is i m looking forward to hv tis responsibility.
I dun prefer adoption. I would prefer to hv my own kid (if my body stil allows)
Frankly, i understd a fatherly figure would complete a family picture. My friend has warned that esp during the kid's courses registration/enrolment, u can't fill in tat 'Name of father' column. it will/may also affect the well-being of the kid, etc, etc.
i hv tot them ovr & ovr many times. i know it's tough, but i felt fulfilling and happy just by the shear thought of it.
for yrs i waited for my hb to hv kids with me. but end of the day i gt tis outcome.
vry soon i will be reaching my 40. i really wish to complete my life and becom a mum & hv someone i can tak care of & he/she can b a purpose of my life in tis life time.
 
Sm brought up a good point.

Who is going to take care of kid while you work? What are u going to tell your kid when he/she asks about daddy? What are your financial status to support a kid?
 
Why not start talking to single mothers and understand the pros and cons of being one emotionally, financially, socially, etc. There are local discussion forums around for single parenting. Let me go and ask my friends who are single moms. Will post the URL here later.
 
green,

Father as in not only the sperm but also a "father" figure for the kid while he/she is growing up..

We may yearn for a child. There is nothing wrong with this. However is this the best way to bring up a child. The child may question about his/her own existence and why was he/she brought to this world.

Even normal child while going through setbacks in life would question, let alone a child brought up by a single parent (on purpose).

I am not really saying that we cannot bring up a child as a single parent but when doing it consciously (not through divorce or death of spouse) - we have to be very mindful of the side-effects. Of course not to mention the practical aspects like financial and the rest.
 
Hi All,
My mum is at her retiring age & she will not be able to work much longer in future. i know she will be glad to lend a helping hand. As for financially, i dont earn big bucks. after paying for my car instalment, my CPF contribution wil tak care of my future HDB flat which will be under bank loan, and after my fixed expenses, i do hv some $$ left as savings.
i maybe naive and may under estimate the actual cost of raising a child, but when i c ppl around me tat can do it on a tighter budget, why not me?
as for getting pregn, luckily i upkeep myself well. i should hv no problem finding one. now the thing is whether my body is healthy enough to conceive.
okay, i know i m doin somthg out of the origin or morally not advisable. this is not somthg i look fwd to when i gt married. as i get older & mature, i m mor open to such ideas.
i came to realise marriage is fake. hb is not blood related to u. he wil go away. Even if my luv on my kid is not being reciprociated, he/she is blood related to me and it's stil worth the while.
 
theresa,

I think your concept of marriage is "fake" is wrong. Marriage is a wonderful thing. Two people (no blood relationship) can come together and live together - nothing fake about that. Yes, there is no blood but it does not diminish anything.

And the children you produce out of the marriage - the child has both your genes - a totally uniquely individual bearing traits of you and your partner. It is a wonderful creation.

I am not questioning you morally. But you have to take into account the psychological impact of raising such a child. Will he/she question you in the future and how are you going to answer that?

Bring a child to this world is not about bringing fulfillment to ourselves but also bringing joy to the child. You have to make sure that you can enrich his/her life otherwise you will be bringing more misery to this world.
 
Theresa, when you said you have no problem finding one (a man) to have a baby with you, how do you intend to tell him that you are only interested in his sperm? How are you going to convince him that you will only need his sperm with no strings attached? You see, I don't think any man will be so naive as to want to make a baby with you when he is not sure if you will use this child against him in future. He may face a possible future court order to maintain a child should you change your mind about the no-strings-attached arrangement. And if you decide to do so, how will he face his future partner or even children later?
 
Theresa Ling,

You must also think of the bb, when grow up, may ask you alot of questions and also he or she may have to deal with questions from his/her frens.

Should you go holidays with your child, just to inform you tat esp tour package, happy family and people will talk and kpo, look at you like an alien. Some kpo aunty even asked my kids, why without father?? Just be prepared for all these..
 
Theresa Ling,

Having a kid is very much a joyous thing, watching him grow up and finally able to express his emotion, addressing you "mummy" and telling you that he loves you very much...all these are pure joys...

But just want to share my personal experience with you...i'm divorced with a 5yrs old boy, and a year ago, i dated a single man who is extremely sweet to me and kept giving me lots of assurance that he'll stand by me forever even if his parents are against it.

Initially, when he broke the news to his parents about me and my boy, they were very supportive, and gave us their blessings...

But 6mths ago, suddenly everything changes, and his parents said they can accept the fact that i'm divorced, but they can NEVER accept my boy. They stated many imaginary scenarios about all the negative things that could have happen in the future when my boy grew up and became rebellious and doesn't regard my bf as his fatherly figure, etc, etc...all these when my boy didn't even did anything wrong, and have always been on VERY good terms wif my bf. they exert lots of pressure to my bf and even threaten him to stop seeing me.

finally, my bf gave in to their threats and pressure, even after all those promises he made to me...he decided to leave me.

Just sharing what i've been thru being a single mum. i got back on my feet after my divorce, and now this had hit me another time...it hit me real bad.
 
evilprincess,

Sad to say, his parents thinking are really out-dated. As long as your future-hb gets along well with your son - that is the most important.

But don't lose hope yet.. who knows what is in store for you.
 
i wasn't prepared for all those negative thoughts from my ex-bf's parents, esp in this age, there's nothing wrong in being a divorcee. As if we hope to be a divorcee in the first place. Nobody wants to end up in a broken marriage. Given a choice, I'd loved to give my boy a complete family with a loving mummy n daddy, but these are things that are not within our control.

I love my boy very much, and I'm glad that I have him with me now. He's my only emotional support and hope, esp after my cowardice ex-bf left me. Am trying hard to pick myself up again.

Theresa Ling, do think twice about having or adopting a bb. You'll need to face up to alot of challenges in future with your decision now.

And thanks every1 for the encouragement, I really needed that
happy.gif
 
To evil princess,

Count your blessing when your bf give in to threat before marrying you. will at least he cant go thru this test. i share with a friend of mine that my mum wouldnt mind if i married a divorcee with a son/daughter.

I guess maybe due to the ultimatum that they respect my decision and see me as who i am. An adult who can make decision and leave with the consequences. My dad used to be the Da Nan Ren but his business failure and other setback broke his pride into pieces and thus he respect our decision. As long as we are happy. everything is okay for my parent. (that me ofcoz)

But again there alot of implication of bring a child into marriage. well its good that things turn out that way. i see blessing. coward u can call him. at least he make a decision.
 
hi weather,

u'r right in saying that it's very much a blessing in disguise that he back out of this r/s now. He's very much a mummy's boy, so even if we get thru this hurdle, the future looks bleak if he were to be constantly affected by his parents' comments and dislike.

I'll still brand him a coward coz of the earlier promises he made to me and the beautiful "future" he had drawn up when we first started. I can only say that he's not ready for all these, or should I say, he's not even ready to be in a r/s.

Already 30yrs old, and yet he's still tied to mummy's apron, guess he isn't that reliable man afterall. I'm felt much more sadness for my little boy, he had grown so attached to my ex-bf and regarded him as family, but now he's been forsaken and betrayed.
 
please choose your partner with your eyes open. now this is not just you alone, it also involves the little one.

try not to cause them any great duress when they are growing up. i will/may impede them in the future growth.

take care
 
Please do not clamp yourself up due to one mistake. the challenge is to be hopefull. Go get this book and read, quite enriching. TOO SOON OLD, TOO LATE SMART by GORDON LIVINGSTONE.

don give up hope. or u can borrow the book from Doll or mark78.
 
I am a divorcee with a young kid.

My kid has never seen her biological father or my husband (so you guess what happened lah...I wont elaborate).

I must share with you that it is not easy.

You must be prepared for the physical and mental fatigue.

There will be no one to share the woes and joys and hardships of parenting.

Though at the end of the day, my child singing "ma ma hao" (mother is good) and the way she says, " I love mama." is definitely worth it...

Just to say: It is really not easy. There are moments when I regret...especially when I was sick...and I had to drag myself out of bed to tend to my kid.. not for selfish reasons..but I fear her life if I am strickened with serious illness. She has only a parent, what happens to her when I die? will my family take care of her? She will be an orhan without anyone to care and love her.

You also have to be prepared to play a dual role...both father and mother. and you have to give 200% of yourself and care of her doubly!

so think twice. and all the best.
 
well agree with angela for it .. Having kid is never like having a pet .. beside , no offense, a kid from broken family ... I don't really like the idea .. Another thing is , u need to think for his/her happiness ,don't just get the kid for ur enjoyment ...
 
Noooo, don't do it. think about the child's emotional needs, growing up without a father figure. If u really love children, find a man u love n haf his children. Nobody can guarantee whether it will be happily ever after but at least, there is a fighting chance that u and ur child/children will find happiness.
 
So, out of the ashes, you're basically saying that single parents won't have that fighting chance? Just because they don't have one parent?

Dude. If there is enough constant contact with male figures, such as grandfathers and uncles, they are able to fulfill the role of father figure to the child.
 
agree with sylphide .. my sister is a single mom and my nephew treats my husband as a father figure to him .. the husband treats/ plays with him like he would with our children, that said when it comes down to discipline, he will be firm too ..
 
I guess its better for a child to grow up in a happy family with a single parents than live with a abusive dad.

i came across quite a few sad cases of remarry. My ns subordinate was late, and he told me he was molested /sexual abuse by his dad.

this is not to scare single mum off. HE was molest by someone 8 yr older than him. his stepdad. i was wtf.

soon, more and more problems surfaced that we found out that he grew up in a super problemantic family as her mum remarry over and over again. its like pan to fire then to hell and the affect effect of this troubles lead to the bad mental growth of this ns man. Soon he was discharge from ns due to some disorder

ofcoz there no fix formula for happiness for the child. single parent or double parent both can attain their share of happiness and share it with the child. But the crux of the path of the child lies on the PARENT.
 
Anyone aware is the divorce rates getting better? It seem to be like 1st and 2nd marriages have increased significantly.
 
Hi theresa,

Was surfing through the net when I came across your thread.

Have you ever consider Embryo Cryopreservation? Basically, it's a process where the doctor extract your healthy embryo and store them for later use. With that it's possible for you to have your own children which is blood related to you in the future when the laws has been loosen or when u find another guy that you love.

Just my 2 cents.

regards
 
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