Devastated....Failed Marriage


sgbabydoll

Active Member
Can happen ≠ sure happen. There is still a good chance that it will not happen in a relationship.

I was in a handful of relationships including a marriage, and infidelity only happened once.
 

serene_yam

New Member
Hi Scope Guy,

In ur earlier post u mentioned dun show hand until very sure and that if u meet someone who fulfills ur current wish list doesn't mean he's the ONE. So, may I ask how do I be sure, granting that currently I meet someone who doesn't fulfill my wish list, eg. Age, relationship status, profession etc. But we feel connected. Is he the ONE then?
 

scopefun

New Member
Hi Serene Yam,

Test him, silly. LOL~

Don't hurry.

If he is the One, his love will overcome the tests. But don't become impossible.

If he is the One, you can persuade him to divorce, you don't mind the age, as for profession... you guys should come together and work out a future.

The secret of my mother is, she was more diligent than most women in seeking the man and she knows what she wanted.

It's like a gamble, you are dealt with cards. In the face of the unknown, you have to diligently do everything possible to check them all out. One of the men will be the One.

Your wishlist obviously doesn't mean he'd be the One, since you can't decide for him.

Actually... if he is the One, my curiousity would be, will you fight for him? Or at least wait forever for him to fulfill the wishlist? LOL~

How long do you think the One's love for you will last, Serene? You should gauge.

Otherwise, you'd end up in a loveless marriage, or one waiting for something to happen. You either are committed to love, or committed to marriage.

Good luck.
 

serene_yam

New Member
Wow, Scope Guy, you are quite a psychic here LOL. I get what you mean tho. Right now, I think, there's hardly the One in marriage. Usually the One is found in love. Marriage and love don't seem to work together anymore. I am not looking for commitment to marriage. In fact, I don't want a marriage anymore, having experienced a loveless marriage before, at least from my part, I entered into a marriage without the love. Now, I love, but don't want marriage. Sigh.
 

scopefun

New Member
Serene,

Whatever you do, enjoy the love. But it's best to love someone worthy for your love... which is, someone who truly loves you.

The final test... is for life: Marriage.

No matter who he is, while it is possible for a man to love more than one women, as long as he is 'available' he should be committed to you, hence there is marriage.

Loveless marriage happens because the order is upside down... A woman gets the marriage but the 'sensation' fades, and they called that sensation love.

It's entirely possible to have love without marriage for a lifetime. But that'd be neo-fairy tale... which is, he will and has to be the One.

Afterall, marriage is only a system. It existed to protect the legal rights of a man willing to commit to a girl in a time when men hunted down girls for sex, and law was fists and lust.

So, Serene, love first, then... whether you got married, that's another thing. A loveless marriage and a partnerless life is about the same. Nobody cares really for you... or you don't care anyway.

I am not a psychic, I can only go by what people tell me.

Yes. The One is ALWAYS about love... about who you truly desire. On the other hand, there are billions of dicks around, but there won't be really so many men who will truly love you. See?

So, the One is the One lah~ LOL~

May you live a life full of true love... Don't get hurted.
 

strawberry_love

New Member
So many hearts being hurt...and i'm of them. Lies after lies...Betrayal. Initially he would not admit and will turn hot-tempered if i asked questions, until the reality surfaced right in front of my eyes then finally he admit, apologised and assured me that he will not do it again. Can see and feel he put in efforts now. But can a person really change? Her no is still in his hp.
 

scopefun

New Member
Lyn2wen,

The problem now is not of his, it's yours.

Your heart cannot be rested... even if he erased her phone, won't you suspect one day he focks her all the same...

My dear, where is your pain?

You are feeling like this because you have already... ... How do I put it...

Put it this way, Lyn2wen, what are you pushing? What do you expect? Will you ignore and forget and PRETEND that you still love him? That you won't be hurting yourself?

Woman... is this the heart you want to hold for the rest of your life?

If he loves you, deep inside you... you know if he loves you, he won't do it. You know, you are not facing it.

Nobody can help you, Lyn2wen. Now, marriage is really a decision for you... to let go, or to go on with the hurt, subconciously know this man... if he loves you he won't have done things this way.

All the best, silly...
 
Hi guys,

It's been awhile since I updated my own predicament...

I am in this situation of Separation Papers served but she not signing. Looking for Divorce now as the final straw and ya, get it over and done with. She has been (in metaphor) slapping me almost everyday for more than 2.5 months and say things like "I can't lose you completely" but at the same time say words of hurt.

I am very mentally tired to go through it anymore. Not savaging but struggling to deal with not why but how I am going through the next stage which is to file divorce. This somewhat is taxing and all...

Kindda drawing blanks... Need to kind advise.

Thanks.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"She has been (in metaphor) slapping me almost everyday for more than 2.5 months and say things like "I can't lose you completely" but at the same time say words of hurt"

that's what happens when u allow someone to mess up ur head... u become a slave to ur own emotions.

why? u're hving the upper hand, no?

just stop letting her words affect u and keep pressing on on what u want...

unless u're thinking of going back to ur dream with a cheating wife.
 

scopefun

New Member
Torn Guy,

You don't need her to sign to separate. LOL~

I can help you... but I'm more interested to see how the morons here can help... LOL~
 

simpleman

Active Member
torn guy,

I have shared earlier, you can't force her to sign the deed of separation and there isnt really a need to sign. Just go your separate ways - as I understand that she has already move out - so that is the effective separation date - provided you two are not together again after that - as in still have dates and sex.

As I can see.. you are not ready for divorce yet because she still can "slap you mentally". The next best thing is to cut off communication with her - if you are bent on divorcing. Just tell her to get out of your life - FULLSTOP. Don't reply to her call or SMS or email or anything.

You can proceed with divorce if you wish but I would advise you not to do anything now unless there is a specific reason you want a divorce now (like for eg, you want to re-marry). Otherwise just give yourself a little more time.. time is the best agent for anything. In time to come you will find divorce to be painless and easy once you are mentally ready.
 
wow another useful tip from this dear gentleman , SM..

the last post is also good .. i agree a bit since i am not in a hurry to file for div yet since i have not met anyone special yet.

torn guy u try to be brave n be calm first. just ignore all the slapping etc n take your time to think thru. like my situation rite now, i take my time to be truly calm first .. say give myself a year to think thru carefully n maybe by the time me n hubby are truly calm n ready to review n discuss the next step(unfortunately we have a kid so need to consider his feelings too).. we mutually agreed that we need to be calm truly n decide whether div or truly make up is for our best interest.

Hope u r strong enough n be calm first.
 

scopefun

New Member
What SM said is true but not true. The reason why couples can drag is because the separation is eventually contested.

Which is, the wife will disagree that there were no sex (dates not important).

This is possible only when both man and woman agree to tell the judge there were not any sex...

So back to square one. Talk like no talk, tip like no tip.

So... how to go ahead? LOL~

Good try. Try harder.

Blur,

You really blur queen. LOL~
 
After more than 5 months of struggle and hurt, I have finally decided to move on. After approaching numerous lawyers, counselors, advise from family and seeked prayers, it is only right that I should pursue the inevitable.

During these couple months it was a downhill cycle. I lost my job, I lost myself and lost the will to do what's right. She constantly lie and many a times she even told me to close both eyes and trust her. She also mentioned that she didn't want to make any effort to make me trust her again. I have to admit, these few months I couldn't see clearly until recently it strikes me that I should have woken up early. I finally slap myself awake after so long.

I am at the same time logical. It has always been a fight between emotional battle with the logical side of me. The heart and mind. I have since found a job and things are more calm. I have started to shut her off by changing my number and also in the process of filing a new Deed of Separation as advised by my lawyer. One reason is also because of the HDB (MOP not fulfilled).

There is a saying, you never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only option you have left. So we just have to keep our heads up and keep moving forward.

Having said the above, I never regret trying to make things work. I have responsibilities and also a fair share of blame but it has reached a time that I call it quits knowing enough that my other half has lost the love and not willing to work out all the underlying problems. I can no longer force it thus it's time to give both a chance which is, to let go.

Just smile, its time I know that I don't own all the problems in the world.

P/s: No matter how much she has done to me, I have forgiven her and the love will always be there. We don't have to be heartless to end a marriage regardless of how the other half do to you.

Cheers.
 
you seem to underestimate her ability to mind fark your mental state even though she's the one at fault.
yes, you might share part of the blame as well but you really shouldn't wallow in self-pity that long.
forgiving is just the easy but being able to forget the whole thing is even tougher.
 
Anyway, long or short it doesn't matter. What matters is now and what I have decided and what I am doing matters. For a start, it's time to talk about now and tomorrow instead of yesterday...
 

denise80

Active Member
Congrats for being able to think straight now, Torn Guy. It's a good and new beginning
happy.gif
 
It is denise. Thanks. Emotional turmoil and hurt won't resolve overnight but it is only right to start the healing process now. I think by saying "go find happiness now" is a bit BS to me but tranquility is a start. Time to stop the fighting and arguments and find peace with my own self. Happiness will come one day naturally.
 

yesno333

Member
Tat's what i hate abt marriage laws in singapore....when the women is at fault...they goes off scot-free....if the guy is at fault...everyone will be asking to claim alimony....><"
 

powder

Active Member
the charter is in place for donkey years to protect women. it's nothing new, not a surprise that is sprung on us Post-marriage.

so with FULL knowledge and awareness, when we decide to get married, it is with eyes opened on own accord.

If we make a decision knowingly, we cannot blame the disclosed possible liabilities.

we cannot use our fav sporean activity besides being kiasu... we cannot Act Blur.
 

yesno333

Member
Although the charter is in place for donkey years....a lot of guys out there really did not looks into it before marriage.....coz i got tons of friends who were stun when i explain to them abt the charter....><"

So lesson is make sure u are aware of how the woman charter works before entering into a marriage in singapore....><"
 
till date, my auntie friend has to seek legal aid just because she couldn't afford the lawyer fees for her contested divorce (she has been a housewife for years).

that's why i believed that the WC only protects the rich and working ladies while the poor ones have difficulties trying to claim additional monetary issues from their ex-husbands in the family court.
 

powder

Active Member
yesno,

ignorance is Never a defence, and this is something that has been given repeated exposure. so regardless of position, by default - u Should Know.
 

yesno333

Member
I totally agree that ignorance is never a defense...and i think it is 110% a guy fault if he enters a marriage without knowing fully what he is getting into....><"
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
yesno, u seem like a books salesman with the repeated mentioning of them. lolz

Nevertheless, agree that its good for all to be aware. Regretting after saying whose fault isn't going bail one out of it.
 

powder

Active Member
arsenal,

that is a typical auntie post... legal fees are not exhorbitant to the point of being unavailable to those with average salaries, and certainly not made accessible to the rich.

there are legal aid avail to poorer folks as well, and the advice is not discounted. problem is mostly to do with ignorance, uninitiated, and the tendency to spend majority of time lamenting instead of solving.

i've also come across lawyers who Do try to accomodate their fees one way or another, or cap their fees. so it's not like the legal profession has not good pple.

your auntie fren or watever... may not have been as pro-active in seeking solutions as she is sharing her woes... and that's normally the case.
 

babystorm

Member
IMHO, I feel that sometimes if you don't love yourself enough, you let the other party trample all over you. On the other hand, if you love yourself too much, the other party might not feel that you really love her sincerely. There must be a balance somewhere.
 

yesno333

Member
Aiyah poor ppl like me must moonlight as salesman sometimes mah...just hope they spare a penny for helping them promote their book mah.....

I personally thinks that they should make it mandatory to explain the entire charter to both parties before the couple actually get married....><"

And if possible legalize pre-nuptial agreement in singapore....

Two weeks ago, Sunday times publish an article about pre-nup getting more and more common this days in singapore....this article is a hoax....ask any divorce lawyer and they will tells u that the singapore court of law dun acknowledge pre-nup during a divorce....unless ur marriage is registered in another country that acknowledge pre-nup and u contest ur case in singapore...otherwise signing pre-nup is useless here...

Not only should the rich fear the charter, a lot of poor people like me fear it just as well....already so poor...can u imagine having to pay for alimony in the event of a divorce.....=_________="
 
Relax guys... No point having endless debate on this. Love is love, law is law. We try to mix it but because in good times, we never mentioned this, but in bad times, because of the human nature (impulse and personal gains etc etc), the subject of love and law comes together which can be unfair and a pain...
 

powder

Active Member
yesno,

u'll be too paralysed to live life and handicapped with fears, with such a mindset. nothing will happen becos nothing can happen and becos u will not be in a position to have things happen.

anyway if u think u're poor, then do something abt it. money is all around for us to make it... money doesn't discriminate nor choose their owner... it is often ourselves who limit our horizons.

once u believe, u can make it happen. and if u're serious abt improving, u will.
 

powder

Active Member
not everyone wants to work towards a wealthier state... they are more comfortable ravelling complaining against it.

seems like u are mocking something u dun know.
 

yesno333

Member
.....I am dead serious abt wat i say no mockery watsoever.....ur too sensitive.....=___="

How abt...i put it this way....To me the poor man, I CAN DO IT....><"
 

powder

Active Member
a good start is to make it a Personal decision, not a collective one with pple u dun know but identifying with - "all the poor people in this world"

never estimate the subconscious mind...
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi yesno,

I actually went to read the book since you keep recommending it.

It is very interesting book with many examples.

I wonder if the book will change my mindset if I read it when I was single.

I had a choice to marry Money when I was single, but I chose to marry an employee who has a poorer and complicated family background than me.

Guess I'm not the smart girl like Wendy Deng who married 3 husbands, each one better and richer than the one before.
 

yesno333

Member
o_O u actually read the book....u r one of the many out there that chooses love over everything else...

Wendi Deng is an extremely focus woman especially when u looks at her personal life before she lands her big catch "Rupert Murdoch"...she knows clearly what she wants in life and will stops at nothing to get it....she remind me of Jiang Qin...another woman who dun let her heart dominates her thinking...><"
 

vios

New Member
don't marry just for money and status.... in this modern era, it stinks knowing that a woman is treating marriage like an advancement in career when there shld be a balance of love and rationality.

Torn Guy, the lessons in our life are meant to provide certain hindsights that we could never see until the experience arrives and we reflect upon it. with these life experiences, we can only get stronger and be more adept at making decisions. i wish you all the best in your new chapter.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
dun u think mrs murdoch is too focused for her own gd?

and æ±Ÿé’ was someone "who dun let her heart dominates her thinking"???

真是有负赵丹在天之çµã€‚。。
 

yesno333

Member
There is really nothing wrong with what mrs.murdoch did....She knew exactly what she wanted in her life....from her 1st marriage to Jake Cherry to obtain her green card to her marriage to Rupert Murdoch to obtain the wealth n power she has always desired...><"

It is safer to marry for money...at least in the end...even if ur hubby strays when ur youth is gone...u still wields immense wealth....><"

If still in doubts, like i always say...pop over to sammyboy and see the number of guys camping there...lol

Jiang Qing is Mao Zedong wife...she is well known for one saying..."Sex is engaging in the first rounds but what sustains interest in the long run is power"....This quote alone shows that she never let her heart rules her thinking in her choice of men....><"

This term "Love" will fades over time...a lot of woman usually wakes up in their 40s n 50s when their only bargaining chip "Youth" is gone....><"
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
there is no right and wrong lah. Just be clear in what one want and will be getting. We mean decisions fully aware of the odds.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
The question is not if Wendi Deng was right or wrong. But, can you do what she did and is still doing (the work doesn't stop after she got Rupert Murdoch). Are you willing to pay the price? It's not a price any woman can pay.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
well nothing wrong the idea of marrying for money...

事实上,放ç€ä»–们年龄和文化背景间的悬殊这点ä¸è¯´ï¼Œmurdoch夫妇是很般é…的。。。因为åŒä¸ºå¤„事ä¸æ‹©æ‰‹æ®µçš„人
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至于江é’,这个心胸狭隘å¤ä»‡å¿ƒé‡çš„女人没错是个心狠手辣的狠角色。而她最擅长的就是公报ç§ä»‡
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,对付起敌人æ¥æ›´æ˜¯å¼‚常地残酷无情。惟有ä¸æ˜¯å¥¹çš„敌人æ‰ä¼šæœ‰â€˜å¥½â€™æ—¥å­è¿‡ã€‚但,很难ä¸æˆä¸ºå¥¹çš„敌人。。。就算什么都没åšï¼Œå¥¹çœ‹ä½ ä¸çˆ½ä½ å°±æ˜¯æ•Œäººï¼

这个æžå…¶æ„Ÿæƒ…用事超没格局的疯女人,死一万次都ä¸å¤Ÿï¼å¾ˆçº³é—·ä½•ä»¥æ²¡äººæ议把她拖出æ¥éž­å°¸ï¼Ÿ
 

yesno333

Member
Ya i have to agree tat it is a price not just abt any women can pay...unless u r extremely focus on the material things in life...

Not those books i recommend ppl to read la...just happens to come across them and find them amusing...><"

Not forgetting that i am helping to throw a life line to women out there....hehe

Whether Jiang Qing is a devious person...no one knows for sure....except form historical texts....none of us ever knows her in real life....so dun thinks it is very rite to judge her...><"

One thing for sure 武则天 is definitely worse then Jiang Qing....><"
 

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