Being 'Friends' with Betraying Husband

H

herley

New Member
I know my husband has another woman out there.
When I first found out, we quarrelled, I questioned & checked on him non-stop but felt pointless after that.
He just kept quiet & ignored my questions.
As kids are still young, I've move on from silent treatment to being like 'friends' with him.

Anyone here sharing the same boat as me?
 


it's easy for u guys to say this...divorce him. no point.

i am in the same shoe as herley, except it is my wife who stray.

i can understand it is not easy, as i love my wife so much. i am so shocked and surprised, becos i never see it coming. becos there seems to be no problem, and we seem to be so in love.

it's only after the incident was uncovered, SUDDENLY everything changes.

like how herley puts it...now we seems like "friends".

we are lost. not sure how to go forward. and not sure how to put it right. not sure of the future.

we are looking at constructive suggestions. how to put things right. NOT destructive, spiteful, or vengeful stuffs. becos we still treasure this marriage.

asking me to destory it...i can't bare to do it.
 
this happen because u choose to live in a false world. take charge of your future and move on now then u will see true happiness.
 
Hi herley,

What makes you so sure abt he is having an affair?

How did you find out? Through your own instincts, or his seemingly suspicious behaviour?

Well.... just to clarify further.
 
i knew it through some mushy sms i saw.
confronted him & he didn't denial or admit.

we have 2 kids and they are still very young.
maybe that's the reason why both of us hang on.
i'm just wondering how long will i continue to live like this.

megalost, finally somebody knows how i'm feeling.
i've not confide in anyone yet.
our family do not know & i felt surprisingly strong alone.
i'm quite sure he is still together with the other woman.
guess i will just live on like this as long as he does not bring up the topic.
 
ckgal, like i said, i guess its because of our kids.
my younger is only 1+ yrs.
we had been married for almost 10 yrs.
i'm so used to my life now.
 
Herley,

If you feel that you can and want to live on like this for the rest of your life for the sake of your young children, it is your call. But bear in mind that in the event that you can't and end up having big fights with your hb in front of your kids, it may not be in their best interest too.
 
herley, might be comfortable with your life. But your husband might not be comfortable having you around. what will happen if he suddenly drop u a bomb and ask for divorce. it's better to plan ahead.
 
Hi herley,

I can understand very very well what you are feeling. I was in the same shoes as you previously. I could not tolerate such behaviours and definitely no "best of both world" for my hubby which he has asked for - to remain our married status but he has the freedom to continue his relationship with a gal. What I did was I walked out of the house with my kids. This made my hubby think through what he has done and what he actually want. I gave him a choice: Me & family or the free life he wants so that he can continue to keep in contact with the gal.....

Of course, he finally chose family.

Not so sure of your real situation but I guess he is like you, very used to the kind of life he has for the past 10 years. Life would not be the same if you and your kids walked out of his life. Hence he prefer to keep quiet since you also keep quiet. Life still goes on....he can still have his happy life outside of the family...

Why not ask yourself, are you able to continue this kind of life for....how many years? After your kids grow up, divorce?
 
herley,
I dont know how u can live on like this, have subconsiously knowing he is with another woman. I am going mad, having to think abt it everyday.
 
herley,

Having young kids or used to the life now and having married for long time - these are NOT reasons to accept things as they are.

You should plan to take some action

Plan A: Give your HB a definite time frame to get over his affairs and not drag indefinitely. But you must first confirm the affair and expose it.

Plan B: If Plan A fail, you may wish to consider being separated from - this may force him into some action.

Your plan of status quo will only fuel his ECA activities with no end in sight while you continue to struggle? One day he may decide to dump you and then you would then have wasted many more years.
 
megalost:

My plan A & Plan B also applicable to you.

Whether bear or not bear - has no significance because ultimately the choice may not be yours. So why not have your plan.

You can't treasure a marriage by yourself. It needs 2 person to treasure a marriage. Treasuring it by yourself only will only lead to more pain and then ultimately you still have to face the end - whether you like it or not..

By the way, I have been there and done that.
 
i check my husb phone/ msn/ etc when he's not around...
and yes, he always send those 'bb i miss u so much'

why men always do that?
when confronted... he sad he have no feeling towards any girl, just say say only never have any skin contact. why like that???

like herley, i have 1 young kid, and currently expecting another one
sad.gif
 
Hi kukugal, we can understand your emotions that are running through your veins at this point of time...

bur can you pls don't use "WHY MEN ALWAYS DO THAT?"... I big-capped it, because it seems like a convenient reason to blame on ALL men, and the crap about "ALL men are the same", "ALL men will have affair" etc...

it's your hubby in this case, not other men. So, why don't you help yourself by telling him to end his "mini-affairs", n you won't tolerate his nonsense further? But you gotta be 100% firm, and don't give him the idea that you're just threatening... cos' end of the day, you'd still be in this same old cycle.

As a married guy, i don't send mushy sms-es to gals, like these instances.... and i dun see the need to. So, seek to address the issue than just gender-bashing.
 
either you tolerate or confront him. No other choices.

Be strong and independent. Don't rely too much on your hubby.....
 
i did confront, and i said stop it already, eg: timeline CNY. new year, new baby, new house, new beginning. but hmm it seems that it still continue? although not in a obvious manner.

im sorry if i sounds like gender bashing..but it is not my intention to.

precisely, i find that there is no need to sms other girls those type sms, i would love that. u want attention, i give to you... but he seem to want other ppl attention as well, coz he see me as eg: 'type A', and so if a type A, behaving like a type B (for instance), the images clashes, and he find it awkward...

so wad he wants? i can only say i am a good woman, i pay all the household bills & expenses, i work, i dun find trouble with in laws,i am not ugly, i am not abusive, i dun flirt, etc....while he pays his outstanding debts with loansharks.

*sigh*
 
Probably wives becomes boring for the husband once they have a baby...that's why husband tends to find excitement outside.

Women are (usually) able to connect with family and kids better and adapt to changes faster as they are the one pregnant with the baby. Husband on the other, do not know how to get involved and hence may take a longer time to adapt to their new role. So when wives adapts and husband don't, problem arises....
 
sometimes it's not because fathers don't want to get involved, but they're not given the opportunity to .. i know cos i'm quite hands-on and prefer things to be done my way - i just had to adapt and accept that sometimes my husband's way is more appropriate to the situation so we compromise.

perhaps some wives become too boring because they allow themselves to use pregnancy as an excuse to a) not treat themselves well, b) become too attached to the baby forgetting that they are also wives, not just mothers and c) become too dependent and controlling.

i have seen ladies who would primp and doll themselves up during courting days, but by the time the kids arrive, they just become a frumpy mess cos they say no time to doll up. please do not forget the person that you are before .. i admit that i fell into this category for a while until i realised that it was just not making ME feel good .. so find an interest, go for a manicure or something .. you are entitled to make yourself feel good and when you do that, you'll radiate that to your relationships to your children, your husband and everyone around you ..
 
Right! All wives should pamper themselves more, not for the sake of their husband. When they feel good, everyone around them would too.

Totally agree!
 
tired mom, not just the husbands, there are wives who find their husbands boring which led them to jump out of their pants to willing men outside craving for free fucks.

I agree with you on husbands taking a little longer to adapt. But given time, fathers of children will fill their roles. Women have their support groups and sessions which teach them to look after the babies. Husbands can only play supporting roles here. Don't expect him to know what to do, give him specific instructions. Cuz there are no support groups for fathers to be, and men don't go around asking their peers on how to become a father. But when the children grow older, you will see the husbands filling in nicely. Be patient.
 
Yes...agree too. Generally (only generally) wives adapt faster.

Actually there is a number of websites that addresses father's woes on child caring....like Asian Parents. Usually mothers tends to sourced for more info and talk about child issues as compared to fathers who would prefer to concentrate on providing for the family by working extra harder....and hence the difference and thus problems may arise.

Sometimes may be too late to wait till children grow up and fathers fit in the role....some fathers would have already started to stray before their children grows up....
 
Is child rearing rocket science?

Actually a lot of common sense and as long as you are hands-on and observe - it is not difficult.

If find a lot of women actually have more problems with child-rearing because

a) They worry too much
b) They rely too much on what their mother was telling them
c) They share tips with one another - but those tips may not be scientifically proven

Men are more rational. child-rearing is not rocket science. There are a lot of information on the website. And also if you spend enough time with your children and you are observant - you would know how to handle them.

Like a crying toddler for eg, I am expert in handling them when MIL, wife all failed because they give in too much to the toddler.

The only thing that a man can't do is to breastfeed the baby.
 
That's a little too sexist.

Sharing tips is the best way to find out how to handle kids and if they are "special". Men usually don't do that as they believe they can handle it themselves. Most uses hard method like cane and beatings.....very seldom reasoning.

There's always exceptions for men and women BUT generally mothers connect better with kids. ;P
 
I see the way a lot of mother teaches their kids, I just shake my head. and they always think that they are 100% right and is good for their children - and that is the most scary part.

As a modern father, I don't think this way. I believe in letting the child learn by mistake and not over-protecting them.

I don't use the cane. The mere fact of me intending to use the cane is enough.

Women are generally closer to the kids but not necessary in a better way. They grow too attached to the kids. If the child is a boy, she will become a monster-in-law, precisely because she thinks someone is taking her baby away. If it is her daughter marrying away, she always think the man is not good enough for her daughter and out to cheat her.

Fathers have less of these problem. I don't worry for my children when they go out because I know I have taught them good values and that they are sensible and independent.

Sharing tips based on experience is OK but not on some grand-mother stories.

Both mother & father have different roles to play.


I have single moms friend who always complain to me about their kids.. and how tough for them to bring up the child single-handedly and how close she is with her child. And mostly I told them, they just worry too much. And close to child is good but not to the extent of pining all hopes on her child.
 
i have to concur alot with wat sm is saying here... becos i share similar thoughts... actually it's one of the reasons why single ladies shun their married frens with kids... with some of these married ladies, every topic will link back to their kids, and if it's a 3hrs meeting - 1hr is spent talking abt their children and mimicking all the cuteness etc.

for guys, we may not even talk abt kids... what's there to talk abt? maybe just generic stuff like education paths n perhaps development paths... else we dun go all mimicking the kids and talking in a cute cute manner to translate the cuteness of our kids to others... some pple find it irky and i prob can handle it from time to time but not over 30mins.

worry when u should, reason when u can, else just leave the child to develop and avoid over-mothering and parenting.

Tired_Mom, are u sure men are into beatings and caning? kids??? u might like to relook at the men around u, it's an Oddity and perhaps true to a small number.

let's just look at eating... if the kid doesn't wanna eat, just need to see if it's due to preference or becos he/she just dun wanna eat. for women, they will go thru a few methods of feeding, try coaxing, throw in a reward for eating, stress over why the kid doesn't wanna eat, venture into possible illnesses, go into historicals like 'must be due to the french fries earlier', worry abt the kid not eating during mealtime, worry abt how it'll affect the later meals... and for the next 2hrs - talk abt why the kid doesn't wanna eat.

tat would be the best way to depict the general difference between the male/female way. i mean, sometimes we just dun feel like eating even though it's lunch or dinner time... sometimes we just dun feel like sleeping... why must die-die find reason, source and keep trying to figure something that doesn't need figuring?
 
Oh dear...are we into sexist topics?....will never end...You and me see things at different perspectives.

Fathers tend to be less patience and hence would think that hard disciplining is more effective forgetting about the emotions of kids. Anyway, I don't use absolute words like ARE, WILL and ALWAYS. So not grouping all fathers in the same groups.

Just to add on, if my kids don't want to eat, I would try to find out the reason behind it so that I would know how to handle them if they refuse food again. Btw, I do agree that kids have feelings and hence I am okay with them not feeling to eat and let them be for a day.

Mothers tends to be more into details and on the feeling side loh.

My group of friends, who are mothers, loved to share info about their kids so that they would be able to figure out if their kids are unique in certain "unbearable" behaviours and we can get ideas how to overcome it. We loved to try out different methods. Fail nevermind, can try again.....this is probably not acceptable by guys..?
 
I don't get it. Do you?

Why do some people go on to bash a gender and then call anyone that disagrees as being sexist. Kind of ironic isn't it?

One should identify and recognize the gender traits. The purpose is to learn how to work with differences. If the purpose is to discredit the entire gender and form some generic excuse, it really defeats the purpose.

Frankly, women are more verbal and enjoy the grouping together and sharing tips etc. This has something to do with gender traits. Nothing really superior or inferior over men that prefer verifying documented facts. What's there to be sexist here? Each is merely adopting to its natural preferences. Nothing about acceptable or not acceptable by guys. A marriage is about BOTH genders. Acceptance is part and parcel of the relationship.

Also, while there is so much claims of women being more patient. Think in another perspective. When dealing with in-laws especially the MIL, many women (not all) have shown zero tolerance, both MIL and DIL alike. I would say there are alot lesser frictions for men generally than women. no? My point... such views are subjective. Do we draw conclusions to condemn or build upon these knowledge?
 
It's really sad to know abt husband (a father) has affair .. don they know it's so shameful??

but there are shameful girls out there who go for married men.. this world is turning upside down!

Before i got married i tell myself i will never tolerate my hubby has affair.

but after married, woman thinking somehow change.. she will try to save the marriage. Sad to say that..

To me marriage should be faithful & trust.. but now ... i really believe don trust men 100% (my friend told me & it turn out to be true)
 
Hi Milo,

why not have men stay with their in-laws instead of wife staying with in-laws? Then we will have less topic on DIL and MIL.

powder,
It is a sexist topic. I started off with saying generally really women adapt faster to motherhood as compared to men (which is also shown in studies, if you read books and magazines on parenting). I have never mention about how fathers treat the children, etc. I don't give such comments unless someone brought it out as I still believe there exception.

Then suddenly I saw comments about "see the way a lot of mother teaches their kids, I just shake my head" and "for women, they will go thru a few methods of feeding, try coaxing....and for the next 2hrs - talk abt why the kid doesn't wanna eat".

Alamak....that is a perception of what you think. For SM, you see mothers handle kids and shake your head....you know that child? You know why? We all don't know so DON'T EVER give conclusion comment. Please
 
Tired Mom,

u see. This sexist thing isnt addressing to you or ladies only. One should question when we talk about gender differences. This is a generic point I'm pushing across to everyone. What is the reason for the differentiation? I encourage the objective to be a constructive one. It becomes sexist when the entire purpose becomes to prove superiority or discredit another simply because of their gender.

We recognize our own gender traits and also those of our partners. Its all part and parcel of acceptance and adapting to one another. You might not have realize it, you had drawn your own conclusions on men in this thread too. Similarly to how u have perceived sm and powder had be 'sexist'.

Whatever gender traits we exhibit, there are pros and cons of each. Let the discussion be a reflection and acknowledgement of these differences and its trade-offs/benefits. Only when we recognize our flaws, can we improve on them. And also maximize on our strengths. I believe this is how synergy can occur in the relationship where differences build and strengthen the marriage and not separate.

btw, I'm staying with my MIL for over 2 yrs now, there isn't much Son-In-Law and Mum-In-Law issues for us. ;)
 
Nice to know that you are able to stay with you MIL with no problem.

Fyi, me too. My MIL is staying with me for more than 2 yrs. Her other children don't want her cause they couldn't stand her. So far no problem with me
happy.gif


If you read my earlier postings carefully, I never conclude anything about the gender. I mentioned facts that are gathered through studies. I only mentioned that generally how different gender behaves.

It is only when I reply to their postings that I have injected my personal thoughts about their remarks. This is because I felt it is in their mindset that mothers do this and that and fathers don't...etc. If you have also read my other postings in other threads, my personal feelings are only expressed when I'm relating to my personal experience.

Hope this clears.
 
"Fyi, me too. My MIL is staying with me for more than 2 yrs."
I was merely answering to your suggestion "why not have men stay with their in-laws instead of wife staying with in-laws?"

Its only natural that one would refer to personal experiences. While u find some of the postings sexist, I do see truths in them and how it can be constructive. If mothers are raising their kids basing on hear says and not facts, that is something that should be reflected upon and not encouraged. Instead of spinning into a dispute on how sexist it is, why not draw the constructive points from it. I believe sm entire intention and point isn't to label mothers as incapable or something but highlighting a very valid and true point.
 
Tired_Mom,

u should read back and see where the references started... ie your post at 10:52am 10Feb.

'studies' is a very good reference, but do note that studies also depends on the very profiel and culture where it was taken. medical studies also vary between asian/caucasians... same with childrearing. some are generic, some are not.

i have not doubt that women adapt faster, Especially with 3months of fulltime maternity... but that should not be a basis to claim credit for the child's development. i wouldn't mind a 3mths maternity whilst my wife works, and i have no doubt that i will also adapt fast... Harlow? 3mths of fulltime with child.

and to be fair, u also dun know other pple's child mah... the same way u were asking SM if he knows that child... not fair rite? for u, u quote studies... u know those child? those docs? the countries where the studies are taken? what are the years that it spans? 70s? 80s? 90s? All these make the very difference... whilst books n references are great guides, i dun think it's very wise to quote and back yourself up with "studies". perhaps if u wanna do that, Add references...

"studies show that chinese fathers pass on better values" - i just anyhow throw that... who can verify? ....exactly - that's my point.

just becos we have kids, it does not necessarily make us Experts in parenting. it just makes us experienced in parenting... just becos someone is Expert in parenting - it does not make her an expert with Every child. just becos someone hasn't had kids and is single - does not mean he/she is wet behind the ears... there are many pple who raise their siblings, nieces/nephews etc...

the sexist statement started from u leh...
 
nothing sexist at all.

I know a lot of mums. Yes, I did shake my head and many a times when I give them my perspective as a guy, they do take note.

What is the point about what studies about how women are better parents. I agree that generally they are closer to the children but a lot of their methods, based on "sharing" may not be at all effective or better for the kids in the long run.

and I do give mothers many parenting tips on handling toddlers and children in pre-teens and also teenager. Because I happen to have three children across the 3 age groups.

Like a friend was complaining to me about her 3 year old daughter throwing tantrums at night and refusing to sleep. some of the women recommended to carry and hug them. But I advised a different method - isolation first then showing love through hug/carrying - which I think is more effective.

My general gripe about most mothers here in Sg is over-parenting. and because they are mothers, they think they know best. and fathers don't usually think they are the best in parenting and that is why we are more willing to explore.

My intention is not to say that women are lousy mothers and fathers are great. It is just to show that there are a lot more to parenting than just sharing of tips, reading of books or mainly, thinking mothers are the greatest.
 
tired mom,

I used to stay with my in-laws for some time in the past. No issue at all. that is why we are saying, guys generally don't have problem with in-laws.

But women will have problem with dil/mil. It is a gender issue mainly because of the way a women still treating son as her "baby". Mothers are more possessive over their children (in general) and that is why they respond in that manner.

Once we recognize this fact, we need more understanding and patience for the relationship to work.
 
tired mom,

that day in the shopping center I saw a toddler screaming and rolling on the floor. Her mother did nothing but screamed at him to stop and get up. Everybody was watching.

yes, I don't know them. But still I shook my head.

My 3 children NEVER rolled on the floor in public and scream and throw tantrum in this manner because they know they won't get anything by doing that.
 
Great!

I am now getting guys all to throw in their comments on me. My postings probably got misled by the next person who reads it and concluded that it's sexist.

I never mention about DIL and MIL until someone brought it out. Well if all says in respect to their experience and try to be AS GENERAL AS POSSIBLE then I can say my husband DO HAVE problem with his MIL even though he only sees them once a week. So should I add on that men also have problems with MIL, not only women????? (that is to answer to 1 of the posting who claims that he cannot understand why DIL & MIL has problems yet men don't have)

This is not a war forum. The "out of point" postings started out with SM talking about child-rearing rocket science. I would suggest that all those who have started to bombard me with postings to start another post about MY GENDER COMMENTS. How about that?

I don't have any interest in starting this kind of verbal war on gender issues. If you all have the interest and energy, do go ahead.

SM, YOU ARE VERY LUCKY. My youngest child do have the habit of crying and making noise when he wants to go to a place, not because he wants to buy anything, but JUST to walk in another direction. He is a 2 yr old who has a bad temper. He hasn't learnt how to control his temper and I am teaching him....so I guess you would be the ONE to shake your head if you happen to see my child. RIGHT?

So don't shake your head and think...."wah...dunno what this mother is doing...." That is a very unfair statement to make without knowing the real reason.

Before all the posting start pouring in again, please start a new thread. WE ARE HERE TALKING ABOUT STRAYING HUSBAND. STRAYING MEN.
 
"that is to answer to 1 of the posting who claims that he cannot understand why DIL & MIL has problems yet men don't have"

I didn't claim that.

This is what I wrote : "Also, while there is so much claims of women being more patient. Think in another perspective. When dealing with in-laws especially the MIL, many women (not all) have shown zero tolerance, both MIL and DIL alike. I would say there are alot lesser frictions for men generally than women. no?"

Be careful not to distort the context. I brought up the MIL/DIL to point out that many women have shown alot less tolerance and patience in the MIL/DIL relationship as compared to their role as mother for their kids. I did not say I didn't understand why DIL & MIL has problems. AND YOU ARE DISTORTING THAT.
 
i'm not gonna bombard u, but u gotta be abit more consistent. u started the topic with the childrearing bit and making reference to the guys, and now u're ending it citing that we're off-topic.

not forgetting u're the first to mention 'sexist'.

i'm kinda confused. sometimes good to read backwards
 
Powder,

Of course I don't make such statement about how other people teach their kids simply because I don't know them. Hence I would not have the same reaction as SM.

Sexist or not is based on what you read not necessary what I wrote. Facts from studies gives us info and we can make references to it but not follow blindly. From the way you put it, you don't read info about parenting at all cos you think all bullshit (don't have to explain further if I have misundrestood you since you have already misunderstood what I had wrote earlier)

3 mths maternity for mothers too long for you? You are probably one of those who detest pregnant colleagues and at the same time envy them having 4 mths break (don't correct me if I'm wrong about you again). Even my husband says I can have 3 mths maternity break - so good, like holiday.

HELLO!!! Women are not on holidays during the maternity, okay? They need time to recuperate. Do you know how much nutrients have been lost during the pregnancy? It's a time for them to build up their health. Guess this statement would start another war as even my own husband don't understand, let alone you guys whom I don't even know.

Anyway, that's all I want to say. You can continue to post your comments but I would not bother to write anymore on your topic.
 
Hi powder,

I started the word sexist because I asked about it since people started commenting about how mother handle kids lah.....meet up with friends lah....and why guys don't do that lah....cos more rationale lah...blah....

I only say

"Yes...agree too. Generally (only generally) wives adapt faster.

Actually there is a number of websites that addresses father's woes on child caring....like Asian Parents. Usually mothers tends to sourced for more info and talk about child issues as compared to fathers who would prefer to concentrate on providing for the family by working extra harder....and hence the difference and thus problems may arise.

Sometimes may be too late to wait till children grow up and fathers fit in the role....some fathers would have already started to stray before their children grows up...."

That is because someone pointed out that we must be patient as fathers may take longer time to adapt to the new role and would eventually take up the role very well when the kids grow older.

Then did you see the next posting? What was it? I have never mention anything in absolute context. But the next few postings are all about how they see mothers and fathers behave...

Alamak...I give up! Anyway, mentioning the word sexist does not equate to my content being sexist.
 
wow, what happened? u still need to let out steam?

my wife took 3mths off so i'm not so hypocritical... i gave my office girl 3+1mths and ALSO the option of working from home for a further 3mths, i further employed another person to cover her duties... and gave her more bonus than most banking pple... so i think your judgement and interpretation of me might be abit suspect here...

what i was saying is that if i was given 3mths maternity instead of my wife, that i'd be close to my kid too... some european countries actually give the option to either dad or mum.

i think what u're letting out here are the words that u've been wanting to tell your husband but never found the courage to... so u're substituting me for the words u never said.

i am Never against maternity leave. i dun know how u read my post abt it...
 
Hi Milo,

then sad to say, I have very good tolerance level....very different from your general views of women.

My husband has zero tolerence level to my parents and hence also very different from your general view.
 


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