Confession of a married man - ‘almost’ an extra martial relationship


New Member
Sorry in advance on the lengthy post. I don’t think this is the right platform to post but i have no place/anyone to rant my inner thoughts before i fall into depression. I welcome all criticism to wake me up.

Been married for 6 years. Have no kids and most of the time, my wife was not in town as she has business dealing elsewhere. She is a wonderful wife and I have don’t find any fault with her. In 1 year, I could estimate we are staying together physically about 2 months while the remaining months were communicating thru WhatsApp video call daily. I am a family person and I get occupied with family matters whenever my support was needed on weekdays or weekends while I don’t socialise a lot and have little friends. Close friends are married and they are usually occupied during weekday night and weekends. I usually keep things to myself, try to resolve everything within my means and I don’t like giving troubles to others. I like peace and I won’t want to burden others.

I became lonely during weekends and I never like weekends and public holidays. Weekends to me is doing house chores and overthinking of other matters. I put on 12hours of works on weekdays to tire myself out so that i can just eat and sleep when i reach home. Home is always lonely to me and TV and mobile phone become my best friends. As i scrolled thru the social media in my mobile, I came across online dating apps and started to chat with ladies that were matched to my profile. I enjoyed the conversation as I felt I’m not alone anymore. I met with 3 ladies physically and I became emotional connected with 1 even before we met. Let’s call her ‘C’. We chatted for 6 months online before we met and at that juncture, I came to realise I started to have feelings towards her and I MIA for 3 months. She was puzzled on my actions initially and we went uncontainable for that period without giving her any closure. During the mooncake festival, I plunk my courage and decide to contact her to offer a closure. I met C again after 3 months and on the first date (again), she told me she was a divorcee (she didn’t share when chatting) and was working to resolve her HDB ownership with her ex. She was honest in the beginning but i didn’t tell her that I’m married. Instead of providing a closure, I became indecisive and started a relationship for 2 months. She expressed having feelings with me all these while and despite she went out with guys during that 3 months, I’m constantly on her mind.

During these 2 months, this was the most happiest period of my life and I can sense she was really the one for me. Both of us are the same type and I can emotionally connected to her easily. We did like what a normal couple do, e.g. hold hands, pick her up from work, have meals together and kissing. When she was unwell, I could deliver foods to her house within 1 hour so that she would rest well at home. She said I’m a ‘God Sent’ and she was feeling grateful on all my gestures. While having intimacy (french kissing only), she urged me to go further as her love language was spending quality time and physical touch. I would pretend I don’t understand and ask her to specify what she wants from me. She encouraged me to ‘explore her’ and she was also adventurous to my needs if I ever mentioned what i want. I stand firm and only to stick to french kissing without going into petting or sex. She also asked me to go staycation overseas and want to spend the Christmas and New Year with me. While I’m keen to spend the quality time with her, my brain cautioned me on the ‘no way out if I ever get physical with her’. I gave excuses and I knew that I can’t contain any longer. During these 2 months, I wanted to confess to her F2F but there was never a good timing to do so.

1 month ago (in Dec 2023), i decided to confess I’m married and was wrong to lead her to what she was thinking. I sent her a note in Telegram as I don’t bear to see her disappointment in person. While I’m glad that I managed to pull up myself to avoid sunking deeper into the relationship and save my marriage, I’m constantly thinking of her (even when i’m writing this). She blocked me from all social means (e.g. WhatsApp and Telegram) immediately and I’m also glad she had been decisive. She remained silent since then. December 2023 had been a hell to me. While I spent my Christmas and New Year with my wife overseas, I kept thinking of her. She will always in my mind. I continued to contain myself from contacting her and reminded myself that time will heal and I ought to be divert all my attention to my wife. I felt remorseful to both ladies and slowly, the thought of divorce came into my mind.

This week, I woke up at 4am on one of these day and I wrote a handwritten letter, confessing my feeling and love towards her after one month. I don’t know why i did so and seems I’m not able to control myself. My brain and heart constantly fighting among each other. In the end, I mailed out the letter, pinning hope that she would reply. I even told her that I’m willingly to go into divorce and ask her if she would want to walk this challenging journey with me.

I’m very lost and quite struggling internally. I know it was wrong since the start but ‘C’ seems to be the person I can relate and spend my rest of my life. I also acknowledged that ‘C’ will not reply as she won’t want to be seen as a home wrecker. In my mind, I know that she won’t choose a guy who leaves somebody for her because that means, this guy would leave somebody for her. I don’t know what i can do except to hope time will heal. I even thought of sending a SMS to her, telling her to ‘bash’ me virtually and ask me not to disturb her anymore. I might stop totally from these nonsense.

Perhaps, I’m only to have myself to blame to chat this ‘dating’ game online.