Husband visited sex worker

shariceoutgrown

New Member
turning here as i have no avenue to talk about it.

i recently found out my husband visited a sex worker.

we always had a loving relationship and i look up alot to him. honestly he has always been the sweetest partner
- cooking
- generous (financially too)
- active to look after my parents too esp when my dad was sick
- we have alot chemistry

so was devasted when i found out..

background of events
slightly more than a year ago, i already caught him sexting random girls on wechat. He swore that he didnt meet them and he was just venting. we both went for couple counselling and it was a good opportunity for him to share some of the things that had been weighing on him (and vice versa for me too) some of the topics we talked abt were
- decline in the frequency of our sex
- frustration on household chores
- resentment over how i dealt with his unemployment period (happened right before the pandemic)
- realisation we dont quarrel 'healthily' (meaning while our arguements are short lived, we tend to just bury them under the rug and move on without addressing the crux of it)

as much as there is no excuse for his transgressions, i also felt that as his partner, i also needed to take responsibility and action to make this marriage work.
so i forgave him and we moved on

things were good i guess.

honestly i thought everything was wonderful then...when i was going through his whatsapp last week..and i saw a message of him arranging a visit to a sex worker.

of course there was rage and tears (over a course of 2 days)
- he begged for forgiveness
- insisted it was his first time and out of curiosity but he was fully disgusted and regretted the experience
- agreed to visit a counsellor - this time by himself. i know this was something he resisted earlier on (pride etc)

for now.. i moved past it temporarily and resumed our daily lives as per normal because im hoping the sessions with his consellor can help shed abit of clarity and light on this behaviour and why it happened? (he himself cant understand why he did it)

a part of me is abit surprised at how calm i am taking this so far but i know deep down i really am not keen to divorce him over this.

i still really love him very much and i believe this was a very out of character behaviour of him.

but im also torn with these thoughts eating at me
- what if this happens again? esp when we have kids in the future which will then put more pressure on our marriage, making him more susceptible again?

wish there was a private chat on telegram for me to talk about this :(
 


buddhabar

Active Member
If he truly repent, then it's a matter of forget and forgive on your part,
assuming it's within your nature and character. if it's going to be at the back
of your head and will spring up readily during arguments and fights as pent up
grievances ... then you should think very hard. Can you truly trust him again, will
the creepy thought comes to mind if you are ever in a precarious state in your marriage?
it's never easy to live with a lifelong resentment, trauma or emotional burden.
Importantly don't short change yourselves.
 

TazLyn

New Member
From the way you mentioned, I presume you both don't have any kids yet? How old are both of you? And how long you both been married?

Well, for sexting, I do know that for some (or maybe most?) guy, will prefer to text a female friend over a male friend. Especially when comes to intimacy/sex part. They find it weird to talk to their male friends (even very good close male friend), over sex topic. For sexting, is really depend on the content of the text/message. Some is just 'asking' or 'inquiry' about some sex stuff (In my pov, maybe still ok), while some is really talking about sex, or even have imagination/fantasy already. This kind if more into mental affair already. But of course, I still feel that be it about love or even sex topic or any topic, why shouldn't one talk with their own partner? Since such (love/sex) is more between couple. Talking to others won't help much, since they don't really know what happen or how the other partner feel.

As for the visiting sex worker, I don't really think is out of curiosity. Since he went and 'search' for it (meaning with a motive), and even whatsapp the girl about it thereafter. In a way, probably there will be another time again (or with different girl?). If really out of curiousity, if pass-by and headed in to a health centre, and have 'special service' due to 'curiousity maybe I can still accept and forgive (if just once). But keeping contact is a no no already. It's a sign of re-visiting, or maybe, thinking/missing of the 'experience'.

Going counselling alone? How do you know if he really go? Also, I feel if were to go counselling, it's best for both to go together. As both need to know the issue/situation, and see on how to go about solving the problem. Going alone doesn't help...

I agree with buddhabar that, will you able to trust him again? And also when in quarrel, you may bring this up again (let's say he really repent already), and this may resulted unhappiness and even worsen the relationship. Hence if you really decide to forgive and continue with the marriage, you need to bury this issue deep inside yourself. You have to assure yourself that you will not bring this issue up again in future, especially during argument. This isn't healthy and will even ruin the marriage.
 

Yunqi96

New Member
turning here as i have no avenue to talk about it.

i recently found out my husband visited a sex worker.

we always had a loving relationship and i look up alot to him. honestly he has always been the sweetest partner
- cooking
- generous (financially too)
- active to look after my parents too esp when my dad was sick
- we have alot chemistry

so was devasted when i found out..

background of events
slightly more than a year ago, i already caught him sexting random girls on wechat. He swore that he didnt meet them and he was just venting. we both went for couple counselling and it was a good opportunity for him to share some of the things that had been weighing on him (and vice versa for me too) some of the topics we talked abt were
- decline in the frequency of our sex
- frustration on household chores
- resentment over how i dealt with his unemployment period (happened right before the pandemic)
- realisation we dont quarrel 'healthily' (meaning while our arguements are short lived, we tend to just bury them under the rug and move on without addressing the crux of it)

as much as there is no excuse for his transgressions, i also felt that as his partner, i also needed to take responsibility and action to make this marriage work.
so i forgave him and we moved on

things were good i guess.

honestly i thought everything was wonderful then...when i was going through his whatsapp last week..and i saw a message of him arranging a visit to a sex worker.

of course there was rage and tears (over a course of 2 days)
- he begged for forgiveness
- insisted it was his first time and out of curiosity but he was fully disgusted and regretted the experience
- agreed to visit a counsellor - this time by himself. i know this was something he resisted earlier on (pride etc)

for now.. i moved past it temporarily and resumed our daily lives as per normal because im hoping the sessions with his consellor can help shed abit of clarity and light on this behaviour and why it happened? (he himself cant understand why he did it)

a part of me is abit surprised at how calm i am taking this so far but i know deep down i really am not keen to divorce him over this.

i still really love him very much and i believe this was a very out of character behaviour of him.

but im also torn with these thoughts eating at me
- what if this happens again? esp when we have kids in the future which will then put more pressure on our marriage, making him more susceptible again?

wish there was a private chat on telegram for me to talk about this :(
I am in the same situation as you.....My hubby visited prostitutes while giving me the excuse of going on a business trip.

Now not sure want to divorce or not because of my young daughter.She is back in Malaysia being taken care of by a family friend while I am working here.
 
Last edited:

sane

Member
I m just curious ladies

1) How’s the sex life frequency with your husband?

It seem like the husband is only going for the physical attraction and not for the emotions . Well he could find a gf outside right?

Have you ever discuss about his fetish and fantasy?

If the wife is the prim and proper type, I assume that the husband will find it hard to discuss about sex or act out his sexual fantasy hence the “outsource”.
 

TazLyn

New Member
I m just curious ladies

1) How’s the sex life frequency with your husband?

It seem like the husband is only going for the physical attraction and not for the emotions . Well he could find a gf outside right?

Have you ever discuss about his fetish and fantasy?

If the wife is the prim and proper type, I assume that the husband will find it hard to discuss about sex or act out his sexual fantasy hence the “outsource”.

Well, to be honest. I know of some whereby even the husband and wife have sex frequently/regularly/daily, the husband still find sex worker outside. Most are out of 'curiousity' while I call them 'addiction'....

From what I see for TS case, maybe the husband prefer find sex worker is can change everytime? If find a gf, only have one... :D
 

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