Where is my happily ever after?
- Thread starter tiredsally
- Start date
tiredsally
New Member
maybe i'll describe a bit of what i want and u all can decide if what i want is realistic or ridiculous
i want my husband...
1) to be romantic and surprise me with little gifts now and then and big gifts on special occassions
2) give me massages every other day
3) hug and kiss me every day... super affectionate
4) have sex once every week, but not lousy kind of sex
5) cook for me every once in a while, maybe once or twice a month, surprise me with candlelight dinner at home, then slow dance to nice music...
6) be able to do household chores, willingly put away his own laundry, won't make a mess of the house, etc... whether or not we have a maid, his personality must be a neat and organized type
7) foots all the bills for the household, earns big money, will save money and knows how to invest money, will not find monthly travel a waste of money, at least must travel four or five times a year, has a condo, or at least have savings to own one
8) listens to me talk and willing to take my advice
9) willing to go out with me for movies, shopping, do activities every week
10) has endless topics to chat with me and is knowledgeable
11) is street smart and not awkward in social settings
12) is not quiet and reserved and need me to guess and ask what he is thinking about
13) will not force me to hang out with him and his family and friends
14) will not expect me to pretend to be a good daughter in law, or whatever in law
15) will not boss me around to do things like how asian man expect their wives to cook, do household chores, obey with questioning, sacrifice for the 'big picture', etc
16) will take care of me when i'm sick, not feeling well and will shower with unconditional love and concern
17) very detailed oriented and will not overlook things like how most men are, oblivious to things right in front of them, forgetful and needs reminder
18) does not demand me to be a career woman, virtuous housewife, sweet loving woman, capable mother, best friend and soulmate all into one package
19) will not quarel with me even if i'm wrong
20) does not curse and swear... not even a single one
21) has very good manners, ideal gentleman
22) has a strong and abled body, healthy
23) at least 1.8m and not skinny nor overweight
24) speaks proper english and fluently
25) loves me deeply, and will love my family like his own and will spend time with my family
26) supports things that i want to do
27) able to give sound advice and unbiased opinions
28) does not dress shabbily nor flamboyantly
29) does not smoke, drinks, gambles, flirts, visit prostitutes, take drugs, have weird fetish or habits
30) emotionally and mentally sound, has his own hobbies and is not overly dependent on me
31) not abusive
32) not possessive
33) wants to have kids with me
34) will take good care of the kids and not think it is the women job to do it
35) will not have extra marital affairs
36) will never change his heart, and will stay true and loyal forever
37) will not look at other women when we go out together
38) will compliment me every few days
39) thinks that i'm the most beautiful women regardless if i am even beautiful or not
40) sings to me, or write poems to me
41) be adventurous enough to try outdoor activities and sports with me
42) be quiet enough to sit down to play chess, boardgames, playstation with me
43) never sulk or frown when he doesn't get the things he wants from me
44) won't play mind games to me
45) is not evil
46) has high morals, values, integrity to me, my family and society
47) will not be overly career-focused and not have time for me
48) will not stop working before 45 even if we inherited a huge sum of money or strike lottery many times
49) is not an unlucky person or jinx on me
50) will not force me into supersitions that i don't believe or force me into another religion
something like that...
i want my husband...
1) to be romantic and surprise me with little gifts now and then and big gifts on special occassions
2) give me massages every other day
3) hug and kiss me every day... super affectionate
4) have sex once every week, but not lousy kind of sex
5) cook for me every once in a while, maybe once or twice a month, surprise me with candlelight dinner at home, then slow dance to nice music...
6) be able to do household chores, willingly put away his own laundry, won't make a mess of the house, etc... whether or not we have a maid, his personality must be a neat and organized type
7) foots all the bills for the household, earns big money, will save money and knows how to invest money, will not find monthly travel a waste of money, at least must travel four or five times a year, has a condo, or at least have savings to own one
8) listens to me talk and willing to take my advice
9) willing to go out with me for movies, shopping, do activities every week
10) has endless topics to chat with me and is knowledgeable
11) is street smart and not awkward in social settings
12) is not quiet and reserved and need me to guess and ask what he is thinking about
13) will not force me to hang out with him and his family and friends
14) will not expect me to pretend to be a good daughter in law, or whatever in law
15) will not boss me around to do things like how asian man expect their wives to cook, do household chores, obey with questioning, sacrifice for the 'big picture', etc
16) will take care of me when i'm sick, not feeling well and will shower with unconditional love and concern
17) very detailed oriented and will not overlook things like how most men are, oblivious to things right in front of them, forgetful and needs reminder
18) does not demand me to be a career woman, virtuous housewife, sweet loving woman, capable mother, best friend and soulmate all into one package
19) will not quarel with me even if i'm wrong
20) does not curse and swear... not even a single one
21) has very good manners, ideal gentleman
22) has a strong and abled body, healthy
23) at least 1.8m and not skinny nor overweight
24) speaks proper english and fluently
25) loves me deeply, and will love my family like his own and will spend time with my family
26) supports things that i want to do
27) able to give sound advice and unbiased opinions
28) does not dress shabbily nor flamboyantly
29) does not smoke, drinks, gambles, flirts, visit prostitutes, take drugs, have weird fetish or habits
30) emotionally and mentally sound, has his own hobbies and is not overly dependent on me
31) not abusive
32) not possessive
33) wants to have kids with me
34) will take good care of the kids and not think it is the women job to do it
35) will not have extra marital affairs
36) will never change his heart, and will stay true and loyal forever
37) will not look at other women when we go out together
38) will compliment me every few days
39) thinks that i'm the most beautiful women regardless if i am even beautiful or not
40) sings to me, or write poems to me
41) be adventurous enough to try outdoor activities and sports with me
42) be quiet enough to sit down to play chess, boardgames, playstation with me
43) never sulk or frown when he doesn't get the things he wants from me
44) won't play mind games to me
45) is not evil
46) has high morals, values, integrity to me, my family and society
47) will not be overly career-focused and not have time for me
48) will not stop working before 45 even if we inherited a huge sum of money or strike lottery many times
49) is not an unlucky person or jinx on me
50) will not force me into supersitions that i don't believe or force me into another religion
something like that...
adele, whether daddy is living at home or somewhere else, he is still daddy .. a divorce doesn't mean that any parents stop being a parent.
my mother put up with it - for the kids, she said. but i grew up remembering not to upset my dad when he comes home drunk .. once he wanted to punch my mother because she won't give him any money, but she ducked so he punched a dent in the wardrobe instead. i also remember he was so drunk one time that instead of leaving the beer bottle on the table, he dropped it on the floor and the glass shards hit me - i had to go to the A&E to be stitched, i have the long scar still and i was only 5 then! another time they were arguing and i hid inside the cupboard with my baby brother because my dad was brandishing a knife at my mom - my elder sister was 17 at that time, she grabbed the knife from my dad on the blade - risking cutting her own hand. please tell me if this is the ideal environment to continue bringing up children in .. why did she stay?? because she said we needed a father but really - was he a good role model?? i know he is my dad, and that yes we have shared happy moments together but the bad memories outweighed the good .. there was simply no good reason why my mom stayed for as long as she did.
my mother put up with it - for the kids, she said. but i grew up remembering not to upset my dad when he comes home drunk .. once he wanted to punch my mother because she won't give him any money, but she ducked so he punched a dent in the wardrobe instead. i also remember he was so drunk one time that instead of leaving the beer bottle on the table, he dropped it on the floor and the glass shards hit me - i had to go to the A&E to be stitched, i have the long scar still and i was only 5 then! another time they were arguing and i hid inside the cupboard with my baby brother because my dad was brandishing a knife at my mom - my elder sister was 17 at that time, she grabbed the knife from my dad on the blade - risking cutting her own hand. please tell me if this is the ideal environment to continue bringing up children in .. why did she stay?? because she said we needed a father but really - was he a good role model?? i know he is my dad, and that yes we have shared happy moments together but the bad memories outweighed the good .. there was simply no good reason why my mom stayed for as long as she did.
tiredsally
New Member
thanks, i have to be super lucky to get a man like that
i can live without some things... i'm just saying if i can have it all... that is my list
i can live without some things... i'm just saying if i can have it all... that is my list
cuclainne
oh dear... that was DEFINITELY NOT an ideal scenario for kids to grow up. Was ur mum financially dependent on him? She should have left him.
I recalled some family violence when younger too... my dad will smash glasses and threaten my mum to harm her siblings. Thats why when Sally mentioned abt her hb saying that, it just brought so many scary and un-nerving memories to me. the quarrels were not very often as my mum is extremely timid and normally obeys. I pity her. She did walked out of him when I was very young once...but gave in after all his empty promises i guess. However, after that, whenever she tried to leave him, he will become violent and threaten to harm her family
So she is stuck...till this date.
Hence, to me, never ever marry a man with violent nature.
I hope the situation has improved with your parents now? My dad is much older now and has mellowed down a lot. but off course, the bad temper is still there and when he drinks, he may go crazy and start scolding pple. As I have moved out for years since I have my own family, I no longer witness it. But my mum will still complain to me abt it. It is really sad... she is married the wrong man really...
Hi Sally
Is your list a JOKE? Do you seriously think you can find such a man? can you send out a realistic list instead?
oh dear... that was DEFINITELY NOT an ideal scenario for kids to grow up. Was ur mum financially dependent on him? She should have left him.
I recalled some family violence when younger too... my dad will smash glasses and threaten my mum to harm her siblings. Thats why when Sally mentioned abt her hb saying that, it just brought so many scary and un-nerving memories to me. the quarrels were not very often as my mum is extremely timid and normally obeys. I pity her. She did walked out of him when I was very young once...but gave in after all his empty promises i guess. However, after that, whenever she tried to leave him, he will become violent and threaten to harm her family
Hence, to me, never ever marry a man with violent nature.
I hope the situation has improved with your parents now? My dad is much older now and has mellowed down a lot. but off course, the bad temper is still there and when he drinks, he may go crazy and start scolding pple. As I have moved out for years since I have my own family, I no longer witness it. But my mum will still complain to me abt it. It is really sad... she is married the wrong man really...
Hi Sally
Is your list a JOKE? Do you seriously think you can find such a man? can you send out a realistic list instead?
Adele, my mom is a housewife - she left her job when my sister was born and has not worked since. To say she is financially dependent on him is not true - in fact, she had to borrow money from her siblings to pay off my dad's debts. from the beginning, her siblings didn't approve of my dad and everyone was willing to give us shelter, should she leave him but she chose not to - for reasons only known to her but i know that one of them was that she didn't want to give up her 33 years of marriage or memories, good ones that she was still holding on to. When she finally had enough and decided on divorce, my father told her it was ok because he found a better woman - you think it made her feel good, that her 33 years of stucking it out meant nothing to him? Of course after that, he tried to get my mom to forget about the divorce - she was wavering but we told her to remember what he did ..
Nope, even though my dad only recently moved out of the house despite the divorce 5 years ago, they still detest each other a lot - not a day go by without him still calling my mom for money, and then she will get upset and start calling us to complain. In a way, they still have not let go of each other yet!
Nope, even though my dad only recently moved out of the house despite the divorce 5 years ago, they still detest each other a lot - not a day go by without him still calling my mom for money, and then she will get upset and start calling us to complain. In a way, they still have not let go of each other yet!
tiredsally
New Member
ideal list... so of course i won't put in something like i will be sacrificed or compromised in it...
i don't watch korean nor taiwan shows, i just imagine how my ideal world will be like, i didn't know that most people don't do that
i don't watch korean nor taiwan shows, i just imagine how my ideal world will be like, i didn't know that most people don't do that
tiredsally
New Member
let me match my list to my husband
1) no little gifts and birthday present in the past two years, but i got christmas gifts
3) hug and kiss me every few days
5) cook for me every once in a few months, will dance every now and then but no candlelight
6) be able to do household chores, willingly put away his own laundry, won't make a mess of the house, etc... whether or not we have a maid, his personality must be a neat and organized type
7) foots most bills for the household, earns average, yet to save money, has investments that can be sold into downpayment for condo
8) listens to me talk 50% of the time and willing to take my advice 50% of the time
9) willing to go out with me for movies, shopping, do activities every week
10) has endless topics to chat with me and is knowledgeable
11) is street smart and not awkward in social settings
12) is not quiet and reserved and need me to guess and ask what he is thinking about
13) will not force me to hang out with him and his family and friends
14) will not expect me to pretend to be a good daughter in law, or whatever in law
16) will take care of me when i'm sick, not feeling well
22) has a strong and abled body, healthy
26) supports things that i want to do
27) able to give sound advice and opinions
28) does not dress shabbily nor flamboyantly
30) has his own hobbies and is not overly dependent on me
33) wants to have kids with me
40) sings to me, or write poems to me
41) be adventurous enough to try outdoor activities and sports with me
42) be quiet enough to sit down to play chess, boardgames, playstation with me
47) will not be overly career-focused and not have time for me
48) will not stop working before 45 even if we inherited a huge sum of money or strike lottery many times
49) is not an unlucky person or jinx on me
50) will not force me into supersitions that i don't believe or force me into another religion
26/50... barely make it
1) no little gifts and birthday present in the past two years, but i got christmas gifts
3) hug and kiss me every few days
5) cook for me every once in a few months, will dance every now and then but no candlelight
6) be able to do household chores, willingly put away his own laundry, won't make a mess of the house, etc... whether or not we have a maid, his personality must be a neat and organized type
7) foots most bills for the household, earns average, yet to save money, has investments that can be sold into downpayment for condo
8) listens to me talk 50% of the time and willing to take my advice 50% of the time
9) willing to go out with me for movies, shopping, do activities every week
10) has endless topics to chat with me and is knowledgeable
11) is street smart and not awkward in social settings
12) is not quiet and reserved and need me to guess and ask what he is thinking about
13) will not force me to hang out with him and his family and friends
14) will not expect me to pretend to be a good daughter in law, or whatever in law
16) will take care of me when i'm sick, not feeling well
22) has a strong and abled body, healthy
26) supports things that i want to do
27) able to give sound advice and opinions
28) does not dress shabbily nor flamboyantly
30) has his own hobbies and is not overly dependent on me
33) wants to have kids with me
40) sings to me, or write poems to me
41) be adventurous enough to try outdoor activities and sports with me
42) be quiet enough to sit down to play chess, boardgames, playstation with me
47) will not be overly career-focused and not have time for me
48) will not stop working before 45 even if we inherited a huge sum of money or strike lottery many times
49) is not an unlucky person or jinx on me
50) will not force me into supersitions that i don't believe or force me into another religion
26/50... barely make it
tiredsally
New Member
now the things that i need and hence frustrated and sad that i dont get
15) will not boss me around to do things like obey with questioning, sacrifice for the 'big picture', etc
18) does not demand me to be a career woman, virtuous housewife, sweet loving woman, capable mother, best friend and soulmate all into one package
20) does not curse and swear...
25) loves me deeply
29) not treat gambling as entertainment nor hobby
31) not abusive
43) never sulk or frown when he doesn't get the things he wants from me
7 very important things to me
15) will not boss me around to do things like obey with questioning, sacrifice for the 'big picture', etc
18) does not demand me to be a career woman, virtuous housewife, sweet loving woman, capable mother, best friend and soulmate all into one package
20) does not curse and swear...
25) loves me deeply
29) not treat gambling as entertainment nor hobby
31) not abusive
43) never sulk or frown when he doesn't get the things he wants from me
7 very important things to me
An outright self-centered list - don't even have to go into details.
You want hb to be so super good and yet you don't want your hb to expect you to be super nice..
What is wrong with you? A relationship is not about this. It is about how we communicate and appreciate each other.. and not a one-way ticket.
Yes, there will be guys like this super nice.. but probably you have to look at yourself in the mirror.. and reflect upon yourself.. so self-centered.. you think this guy will even take a glance at you?
A relationship is a 2-way process.. it does not revolve around you. And before you have expectations about others.. think of what you can give first.
You want hb to be so super good and yet you don't want your hb to expect you to be super nice..
What is wrong with you? A relationship is not about this. It is about how we communicate and appreciate each other.. and not a one-way ticket.
Yes, there will be guys like this super nice.. but probably you have to look at yourself in the mirror.. and reflect upon yourself.. so self-centered.. you think this guy will even take a glance at you?
A relationship is a 2-way process.. it does not revolve around you. And before you have expectations about others.. think of what you can give first.
tiredsally
New Member
a guy can list down 'i want my wife to feed me grapes and strawberries every night after dinner'
and i can do that
but i won't put into my list nor my plus points
my list, therefore it is only about me
and i can do that
but i won't put into my list nor my plus points
my list, therefore it is only about me
tiredsally
New Member
money in investments, debts are from gambling
money can take out in a few years time, debts must pay back bank now
so he borrows from me
money can take out in a few years time, debts must pay back bank now
so he borrows from me
tiredsally
New Member
he stopped for few months every now and then... don't think he will ever stop...
can only say he reduce frequency and limit the amounts involved
i don't know what is love... i know he will take care of me for the rest of my life... except that financially we are in debts now, and no one can guarantee after the debts are clear it won't happen again...
that's why i don't know if i want to be with him for the rest of my life
can only say he reduce frequency and limit the amounts involved
i don't know what is love... i know he will take care of me for the rest of my life... except that financially we are in debts now, and no one can guarantee after the debts are clear it won't happen again...
that's why i don't know if i want to be with him for the rest of my life
Sally, in my personal opinions, we all have expectations and dreams for the dream man and husband, the point is are they realistic and if we are being demanding. Afterall, no one is perfect in this world. Will you be happy if your husband actually list down all those criteria for his dream woman and you aren't fulfilling all too? Everyone has their own shortcomings, we don't go around picking the fault ya? I sympathise with you at your first post but feel that you are living in your own dream world in your subsequent posts....
Sally is comfortable with Adele and Cuclaine "counseling" her so she sincerely lists her ideal man. (Gasped at her funny list) When somebody talks to you in a neutral, non-judgmental way, you usually won´t feel restrained from telling your inner thoughts. (silly thoughts or not)
tiredsally
New Member
i welcome all comments and opinions...
maybe someone's comment will hit me and make me change... change what and change for what i also don't... that's why i feel like talking here and see what might come out of it or come out of me...
maybe someone's comment will hit me and make me change... change what and change for what i also don't... that's why i feel like talking here and see what might come out of it or come out of me...
susanna_low
New Member
Adele, u juz think about it, men are natural "hunters" n definitely hv sexual needs as well unless they hv health issues.
I do have several married guy friends who hv several FB outside their marriage n met up for quickies during lunchbreak.
I can't comment on that as I do not noe any couples who's not sexually active but to me, sex is definitely essential in a marriage.
I do have several married guy friends who hv several FB outside their marriage n met up for quickies during lunchbreak.
I can't comment on that as I do not noe any couples who's not sexually active but to me, sex is definitely essential in a marriage.
Sally,
I give you my list....hehe....
1) to be romantic and surprise me with little gifts now and then and big gifts on special occassions <font color="ff6000">I also don't have but that's ok</font>
2) give me massages every other day <font color="ff6000">have, induces me to sleep</font>
3) hug and kiss me every day... super affectionate <font color="ff6000">too much until I get pimples, I don't like</font>
4) have sex once every week, but not lousy kind of sex <font color="ff6000">got but I prefer less, long live porn sites...otherwise we will be mating like rabbits</font>
5) cook for me every once in a while, maybe once or twice a month, surprise me with candlelight dinner at home, then slow dance to nice music...
<font color="ff6000">cooking got, no candlelight but warm white light, no cliche-teenage slow dance</font>
6) be able to do household chores, willingly put away his own laundry, won't make a mess of the house, etc... whether or not we have a maid, his personality must be a neat and organized type <font color="ff6000">can but won't</font>
10) has endless topics to chat with me and is knowledgeable <font color="ff6000">knowledgeable in certain topics</font>
11) is street smart and not awkward in social settings <font color="ff6000">not really</font>
14) will not expect me to pretend to be a good daughter in law, or whatever in law <font color="ff6000">ehh...no but asked to go make tea at his mother's place, I refused</font>
17) very detailed oriented and will not overlook things like how most men are, oblivious to things right in front of them, forgetful and needs reminder <font color="ff6000">needs lots of reminders</font>
19) will not quarel with me even if i'm wrong <font color="ff6000">where got people like that ?</font>
23) at least 1.8m and not skinny nor overweight <font color="ff6000">ehhh....got tummy</font>
24) speaks proper english and fluently <font color="ff6000">speaks Engrish</font>
25) loves me deeply, and will love my family like his own and will spend time with my family <font color="ff6000">love my family like his own, can expect meh ?</font>
27) able to give sound advice and unbiased opinions <font color="ff6000">not his thing</font>
29) does not smoke, drinks, gambles, flirts, visit prostitutes, take drugs, have weird fetish or habits <font color="ff6000">only the last he can't comply, he wants to do kinky stuff, I don't</font>
34) will take good care of the kids and not think it is the women job to do it <font color="ff6000">I dunno yet</font>
35) will not have extra marital affairs <font color="ff6000">I gauge he won't but cannot guarantee </font>
36) will never change his heart, and will stay true and loyal forever <font color="ff6000">ehh....how to guarantee ah ?</font>
37) will not look at other women when we go out together <font color="ff6000">fail big time</font>
40) sings to me, or write poems to me <font color="ff6000">sings only to himself, cannot write poems</font>
41) be adventurous enough to try outdoor activities and sports with me <font color="ff6000">ehh...no stamina</font>
42) be quiet enough to sit down to play chess, boardgames, playstation with me <font color="ff6000">boring to both of us</font>
46) has high morals, values, integrity to me, my family and society <font color="ff6000">more than I have</font>
49) is not an unlucky person or jinx on me <font color="ff6000">Hah ? What kind of question is that ?</font>
I give you my list....hehe....
1) to be romantic and surprise me with little gifts now and then and big gifts on special occassions <font color="ff6000">I also don't have but that's ok</font>
2) give me massages every other day <font color="ff6000">have, induces me to sleep</font>
3) hug and kiss me every day... super affectionate <font color="ff6000">too much until I get pimples, I don't like</font>
4) have sex once every week, but not lousy kind of sex <font color="ff6000">got but I prefer less, long live porn sites...otherwise we will be mating like rabbits</font>
5) cook for me every once in a while, maybe once or twice a month, surprise me with candlelight dinner at home, then slow dance to nice music...
<font color="ff6000">cooking got, no candlelight but warm white light, no cliche-teenage slow dance</font>
6) be able to do household chores, willingly put away his own laundry, won't make a mess of the house, etc... whether or not we have a maid, his personality must be a neat and organized type <font color="ff6000">can but won't</font>
10) has endless topics to chat with me and is knowledgeable <font color="ff6000">knowledgeable in certain topics</font>
11) is street smart and not awkward in social settings <font color="ff6000">not really</font>
14) will not expect me to pretend to be a good daughter in law, or whatever in law <font color="ff6000">ehh...no but asked to go make tea at his mother's place, I refused</font>
17) very detailed oriented and will not overlook things like how most men are, oblivious to things right in front of them, forgetful and needs reminder <font color="ff6000">needs lots of reminders</font>
19) will not quarel with me even if i'm wrong <font color="ff6000">where got people like that ?</font>
23) at least 1.8m and not skinny nor overweight <font color="ff6000">ehhh....got tummy</font>
24) speaks proper english and fluently <font color="ff6000">speaks Engrish</font>
25) loves me deeply, and will love my family like his own and will spend time with my family <font color="ff6000">love my family like his own, can expect meh ?</font>
27) able to give sound advice and unbiased opinions <font color="ff6000">not his thing</font>
29) does not smoke, drinks, gambles, flirts, visit prostitutes, take drugs, have weird fetish or habits <font color="ff6000">only the last he can't comply, he wants to do kinky stuff, I don't</font>
34) will take good care of the kids and not think it is the women job to do it <font color="ff6000">I dunno yet</font>
35) will not have extra marital affairs <font color="ff6000">I gauge he won't but cannot guarantee </font>
36) will never change his heart, and will stay true and loyal forever <font color="ff6000">ehh....how to guarantee ah ?</font>
37) will not look at other women when we go out together <font color="ff6000">fail big time</font>
40) sings to me, or write poems to me <font color="ff6000">sings only to himself, cannot write poems</font>
41) be adventurous enough to try outdoor activities and sports with me <font color="ff6000">ehh...no stamina</font>
42) be quiet enough to sit down to play chess, boardgames, playstation with me <font color="ff6000">boring to both of us</font>
46) has high morals, values, integrity to me, my family and society <font color="ff6000">more than I have</font>
49) is not an unlucky person or jinx on me <font color="ff6000">Hah ? What kind of question is that ?</font>
cococherry
New Member
haha, interesting list.
almost 50/50, My hub is near perfect!!!
Thank God!!
almost 50/50, My hub is near perfect!!!
Thank God!!
miloice
Well-Known Member
retarded list.
frankly, I would dump a gal that rely on list. It shows she isn't even sure about her feelings and the relationship. You have no confidence in yourself and rely on superficial comparisons to feel secure.
Many men do love and pamper their spouses. But, they do it naturally and lovingly. Not with some 10 years series. Honestly, it isn't a big turn off to me to face a woman like this.
frankly, I would dump a gal that rely on list. It shows she isn't even sure about her feelings and the relationship. You have no confidence in yourself and rely on superficial comparisons to feel secure.
Many men do love and pamper their spouses. But, they do it naturally and lovingly. Not with some 10 years series. Honestly, it isn't a big turn off to me to face a woman like this.
Divorce is a very big things and it is not easy to make that decision and just walk out. I understand it as I have been through it. Please don't say things like as if it is so easy to just divorce. There is a lot of courage and also things to consider.
Sally,
Seriously you should think over what u really can accept and what cannot. There is no perfect in the world and everyone is sure to have a flaw here and there. Like for example, a man who can oversee the whole household and make decisions normally would be like be someone with high ego and the good point u like will become bad. Or a man who likes to accompany and spent time with you may eventually become someone who sticks by you everyday and you cna't have your own private time.
Not that I am supporting your husband but I know walking out of a marriage is not easy. So want you to think carefully and not regret. Alternatively can try talking to a counsellor.
As for your house, if you really decide to divorce and he don't agree. You can apply for 4 years separation, after the separation then when divorce finalise, you can sell the house.
Sally,
Seriously you should think over what u really can accept and what cannot. There is no perfect in the world and everyone is sure to have a flaw here and there. Like for example, a man who can oversee the whole household and make decisions normally would be like be someone with high ego and the good point u like will become bad. Or a man who likes to accompany and spent time with you may eventually become someone who sticks by you everyday and you cna't have your own private time.
Not that I am supporting your husband but I know walking out of a marriage is not easy. So want you to think carefully and not regret. Alternatively can try talking to a counsellor.
As for your house, if you really decide to divorce and he don't agree. You can apply for 4 years separation, after the separation then when divorce finalise, you can sell the house.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Tell me, who makes easy decisions throughout our lives? Should we siam tough decisions even when we know it is what we want and need?
Everyone will have an opinion. Did you see anyone suggesting that divorce is a very simple thing? Please highlight that to me.
If she isn't able to even listen to the various viewpoints and make her own decision, it reflects about her. This is precisely what I'm driving. Her mentality isn't even ready for marriage in the 1st place. Before jumping on a decision, she needs to 1st reflect within and search for her own answers. She is largely contributing for her current situation and unhappiness. No one can give her the solution. Its a journey she needs to take on herself.
Being the head of the family and decisive doesn't imply egoistic. Everyone has different needs and traits. There is no such thing as perfect partner because perception differs and we will change with time. Our priorities evolves with it. We look at suitability in a mate. Every action comes with its consequences, this includes taking no actions and staying miserable, attributing it to others. The self pity and blaming mindset. We can clearly see the consequences in TS case.
If divorce is the right call, then one would not regret it despite the consequences and difficulties. When one regrets, its because they realized that they have made the WRONG judgement call.
Up to now, she is just upset without a clue on what she wants. Came back with a stupid long list that she thinks will somehow do magic. Normally, the list are things loving and supportive couples in healthy relationship do. It takes 2 to tango. It cannot be expected nor demanded.
Everyone will have an opinion. Did you see anyone suggesting that divorce is a very simple thing? Please highlight that to me.
If she isn't able to even listen to the various viewpoints and make her own decision, it reflects about her. This is precisely what I'm driving. Her mentality isn't even ready for marriage in the 1st place. Before jumping on a decision, she needs to 1st reflect within and search for her own answers. She is largely contributing for her current situation and unhappiness. No one can give her the solution. Its a journey she needs to take on herself.
Being the head of the family and decisive doesn't imply egoistic. Everyone has different needs and traits. There is no such thing as perfect partner because perception differs and we will change with time. Our priorities evolves with it. We look at suitability in a mate. Every action comes with its consequences, this includes taking no actions and staying miserable, attributing it to others. The self pity and blaming mindset. We can clearly see the consequences in TS case.
If divorce is the right call, then one would not regret it despite the consequences and difficulties. When one regrets, its because they realized that they have made the WRONG judgement call.
Up to now, she is just upset without a clue on what she wants. Came back with a stupid long list that she thinks will somehow do magic. Normally, the list are things loving and supportive couples in healthy relationship do. It takes 2 to tango. It cannot be expected nor demanded.
Yes, walking out of a marriage is not easy. But decision is easier without kids. I walked out before as ex hb has a violent temper.... loved to play mindgames with me and almost drove me to depression. I engaged the lawyer myself and paid for it 100%. flat gone but who cares rite...i got back my freedom.
It was not an easy decision...i dragged on for almost 1.5 years and going back to him everytime he begged for forgiveness... thinking back, also couldn't remember what was the last straw that gave me strength to make the right deicion and STICK to it. I think i will be in extreme misery now if I am still stuck with such a man.
It was not an easy decision...i dragged on for almost 1.5 years and going back to him everytime he begged for forgiveness... thinking back, also couldn't remember what was the last straw that gave me strength to make the right deicion and STICK to it. I think i will be in extreme misery now if I am still stuck with such a man.
susanna_low
New Member
It's painful and take alot of courage to take the 1st step but when u walk out, you are glad that u did it!
mum_of_2_girls
New Member
Hi Sally,
My hubby failed some of your checked list.
He likes to look at pretty girls.
He doesn't sing or write poems to me but he draws cartoons and copy some chinese poems for me.
He likes to delegate so much that he only work part time and sometime bully me to do his work for him , of which I refuse, thus he got no choice but to do it himself.
I don't think your check list is that harsh. You only expect sex once a week. I won't be happy with once a week. At least 3 times a week.
My hubby failed some of your checked list.
He likes to look at pretty girls.
He doesn't sing or write poems to me but he draws cartoons and copy some chinese poems for me.
He likes to delegate so much that he only work part time and sometime bully me to do his work for him , of which I refuse, thus he got no choice but to do it himself.
I don't think your check list is that harsh. You only expect sex once a week. I won't be happy with once a week. At least 3 times a week.
Hi Sally,
Prior to marriage, I did not have a wishlist as I believe being a perfectionist and also quite a good woman (yes, I am a bit thick-skinned here but I have high standards for myself in most aspects), no living man can match that list. Realistically speaking, it is also quite impossible for every man to match majority of the items on most women's wishlists I would say 60% is good enough. But it may be important to identity from ur wishlist a few die die must have things. This is just my personal die die must match list which u can use for ur ref:
1. Must have integrity. If this man is going to be the father of my child in future, he better have some basic integrity. That also includes not borrowing money from a woman unless its for a life emergency purpose.
2. Deeps me deeply and is responsible toward his own family. A man who is responsible toward his own family will also be responsible toward my child no matter under what circumstances. Its tied to the integrity point above. A man who marries a woman he does not love deeply is the source of many problems down the road (of course love changes with time, will evolve from passionate love to respectful love and we cannot demand passionate love 20 yrs down the road).
3. A man who can pick himself up from setbacks in life as there are bound to be setbacks in life.
For issues of cleanliness and serving me fruits at home etc, those are little perks and not die die must have. If have good, don't have, not as serious as not having basic integrity. Along the way in a marriage, some wishlist also changes. I used to be very against it if my man oogles/reads porn but now I realised many men do. And with a child now, its ok if he reads porn since I am so busy...heeeeheee.. Not that I will not doll up, still will but I give him more freedom since I am busier. Its the reality of life.
Sally, I am not u and cannot say for u but from what I read, I believe u are a good and simple girl. At least better than me as I would never lend money to a man to gamble. I will kick him off to Mars. Trust ur gut feel that is very accurate for a women. If u feel that this man is not a good man. Leave him. U said u want to have kids. When kids come, there will be more issues and bills to pay.
No one can guarantee if u can find another better man but most likely u will. Age is no longer as important a consideration now. Many women marry late into their lives. Once u have made things clear to him and file for separation, u are free to pursue another love as long as u don't cheat on him.
Good luck and go for a man who loves u deeply k
Prior to marriage, I did not have a wishlist as I believe being a perfectionist and also quite a good woman (yes, I am a bit thick-skinned here but I have high standards for myself in most aspects), no living man can match that list. Realistically speaking, it is also quite impossible for every man to match majority of the items on most women's wishlists I would say 60% is good enough. But it may be important to identity from ur wishlist a few die die must have things. This is just my personal die die must match list which u can use for ur ref:
1. Must have integrity. If this man is going to be the father of my child in future, he better have some basic integrity. That also includes not borrowing money from a woman unless its for a life emergency purpose.
2. Deeps me deeply and is responsible toward his own family. A man who is responsible toward his own family will also be responsible toward my child no matter under what circumstances. Its tied to the integrity point above. A man who marries a woman he does not love deeply is the source of many problems down the road (of course love changes with time, will evolve from passionate love to respectful love and we cannot demand passionate love 20 yrs down the road).
3. A man who can pick himself up from setbacks in life as there are bound to be setbacks in life.
For issues of cleanliness and serving me fruits at home etc, those are little perks and not die die must have. If have good, don't have, not as serious as not having basic integrity. Along the way in a marriage, some wishlist also changes. I used to be very against it if my man oogles/reads porn but now I realised many men do. And with a child now, its ok if he reads porn since I am so busy...heeeeheee.. Not that I will not doll up, still will but I give him more freedom since I am busier. Its the reality of life.
Sally, I am not u and cannot say for u but from what I read, I believe u are a good and simple girl. At least better than me as I would never lend money to a man to gamble. I will kick him off to Mars. Trust ur gut feel that is very accurate for a women. If u feel that this man is not a good man. Leave him. U said u want to have kids. When kids come, there will be more issues and bills to pay.
No one can guarantee if u can find another better man but most likely u will. Age is no longer as important a consideration now. Many women marry late into their lives. Once u have made things clear to him and file for separation, u are free to pursue another love as long as u don't cheat on him.
Good luck and go for a man who loves u deeply k
1) no little gifts and birthday present in the past two years, but i got christmas gifts
Yes, will get as hb knows I love surprises and if don't have, I will sajiao to and tell him very disappointed & he will give. Of course I give him present for every occasion too as a guy also must feel appreciated. A guy who promises presents but never give is off this list. Means he does not care how u feel big time.
3) hug and kiss me every few days
Hb is not super romantic kind but if I tell him I miss his hugs, he will. Some woman cannot tahan "hug only if told" but I don't mind as long as I see the effort there. Not all men are born romantic.
Fail
5) cook for me every once in a few months, will dance every now and then but no candlelight
Hb will burn the pot even when he cooks maggie mee. haha.
Fail
6) be able to do household chores, willingly put away his own laundry, won't make a mess of the house, etc... whether or not we have a maid, his personality must be a neat and organized type
Can do household chores but not super neat, only selectively.
Unclassified.
7) foots most bills for the household, earns average, yet to save money, has investments that can be sold into downpayment for condo
Pass
8) listens to me talk 50% of the time and willing to take my advice 50% of the time
Generally open to discussion but who knows what guys do behind ur back. They can pretend to agree and then don't do accordingly.
Unclassifed.
9) willing to go out with me for movies, shopping, do activities every week
Pass. But life demands can change that. Can be very busy on weekends when need to study/kids come.
10) has endless topics to chat with me and is knowledgeable
Pass. Quite a important point for every relationship. Its what keeps the relationship going for 40/50 years. Must keep talking.
11) is street smart and not awkward in social settings
Well, pass but not every man is like that. Some very good men are so shy. And they still end up with gorgeous women.
12) is not quiet and reserved and need me to guess and ask what he is thinking about
Fail. More than 50% of men are reserve & need guessing.
13) will not force me to hang out with him and his family and friends
Fail. When we marry, we also marry his family. We must attend some must attend functions. Its out of love and respect for him.
14) will not expect me to pretend to be a good daughter in law, or whatever in law
Semi fail. How successful a marriage is also a function of how harmonious we are with his family. Even if don't like, cannot show unless its some very serious issues such as MIL ill treats my baby.
16) will take care of me when i'm sick, not feeling well
Pass. Quite an important point. Through sickness. Its in every marriage vow.
22) has a strong and abled body, healthy
Well pass but who can guarantee a forever strong body. Quite a double standard point with the point above. If we can fall sick, he can too right?
26) supports things that i want to do
Pass. Disclaimer, only if the things are good for the woman and the marriage.
27) able to give sound advice and opinions
Well pass. but some men are just not good at it and can still make good husbands.
28) does not dress shabbily nor flamboyantly
Wah. Fail. How to? Not a realistic point at all. Not every woman gets to marry a manhunt winner.
30) has his own hobbies and is not overly dependent on me
Well pass but in many marriages, coupls do things together 99% of the time.
33) wants to have kids with me
Pass. This point is important. need to sort out before marriage.
40) sings to me, or write poems to me
Wah. Fail. I also don't need him to sing. I can sing better. Not important to me at all. No men can be so perfect. If u expect him to sing to u, u must also sing to him.
41) be adventurous enough to try outdoor activities and sports with me
Semi pass. While I don't need this myself personally, it can be an important point in a marriage to share common interests. A good and valid point.
42) be quiet enough to sit down to play chess, boardgames, playstation with me
Wah, a bit asking for the sky leh. Need to be sunshine boy and yet must be a thinker too. Very unrealistic.
47) will not be overly career-focused and not have time for me
Fail. My hb is very career focused but if asked, he will spend time with me. I would say a semi-valid point as its important for some women.
48) will not stop working before 45 even if we inherited a huge sum of money or strike lottery many times
Pass. A valid point as most women need security.
49) is not an unlucky person or jinx on me
A very childish point and won't know till the day we pass on.
50) will not force me into supersitions that i don't believe or force me into another religion
Pass. An important point.
15) will not boss me around to do things like obey with questioning, sacrifice for the 'big picture', etc
Pass. Can be important as we cannot marry a control freak.
18) does not demand me to be a career woman, virtuous housewife, sweet loving woman, capable mother, best friend and soulmate all into one package
Pass. But from the list above, u are expecting many of these points on the man counterpart. But I suppose u just expect only and not demand them.
20) does not curse and swear...
Semi pass as many men curse and swear when driving..hehee..
25) loves me deeply
Verrrrrrryyyy verrrrrrry..IMPORTANT.
29) not treat gambling as entertainment nor hobby
Passs...Very important. Unless he is Stanley Lee's son and can gamble with stakes in casinos.
31) not abusive
Pass. Very very important.
43) never sulk or frown when he doesn't get the things he wants from me
Fail. Only figurines don't sulk or frown when don't get what they want.
Yes, will get as hb knows I love surprises and if don't have, I will sajiao to and tell him very disappointed & he will give. Of course I give him present for every occasion too as a guy also must feel appreciated. A guy who promises presents but never give is off this list. Means he does not care how u feel big time.
3) hug and kiss me every few days
Hb is not super romantic kind but if I tell him I miss his hugs, he will. Some woman cannot tahan "hug only if told" but I don't mind as long as I see the effort there. Not all men are born romantic.
Fail
5) cook for me every once in a few months, will dance every now and then but no candlelight
Hb will burn the pot even when he cooks maggie mee. haha.
Fail
6) be able to do household chores, willingly put away his own laundry, won't make a mess of the house, etc... whether or not we have a maid, his personality must be a neat and organized type
Can do household chores but not super neat, only selectively.
Unclassified.
7) foots most bills for the household, earns average, yet to save money, has investments that can be sold into downpayment for condo
Pass
8) listens to me talk 50% of the time and willing to take my advice 50% of the time
Generally open to discussion but who knows what guys do behind ur back. They can pretend to agree and then don't do accordingly.
Unclassifed.
9) willing to go out with me for movies, shopping, do activities every week
Pass. But life demands can change that. Can be very busy on weekends when need to study/kids come.
10) has endless topics to chat with me and is knowledgeable
Pass. Quite a important point for every relationship. Its what keeps the relationship going for 40/50 years. Must keep talking.
11) is street smart and not awkward in social settings
Well, pass but not every man is like that. Some very good men are so shy. And they still end up with gorgeous women.
12) is not quiet and reserved and need me to guess and ask what he is thinking about
Fail. More than 50% of men are reserve & need guessing.
13) will not force me to hang out with him and his family and friends
Fail. When we marry, we also marry his family. We must attend some must attend functions. Its out of love and respect for him.
14) will not expect me to pretend to be a good daughter in law, or whatever in law
Semi fail. How successful a marriage is also a function of how harmonious we are with his family. Even if don't like, cannot show unless its some very serious issues such as MIL ill treats my baby.
16) will take care of me when i'm sick, not feeling well
Pass. Quite an important point. Through sickness. Its in every marriage vow.
22) has a strong and abled body, healthy
Well pass but who can guarantee a forever strong body. Quite a double standard point with the point above. If we can fall sick, he can too right?
26) supports things that i want to do
Pass. Disclaimer, only if the things are good for the woman and the marriage.
27) able to give sound advice and opinions
Well pass. but some men are just not good at it and can still make good husbands.
28) does not dress shabbily nor flamboyantly
Wah. Fail. How to? Not a realistic point at all. Not every woman gets to marry a manhunt winner.
30) has his own hobbies and is not overly dependent on me
Well pass but in many marriages, coupls do things together 99% of the time.
33) wants to have kids with me
Pass. This point is important. need to sort out before marriage.
40) sings to me, or write poems to me
Wah. Fail. I also don't need him to sing. I can sing better. Not important to me at all. No men can be so perfect. If u expect him to sing to u, u must also sing to him.
41) be adventurous enough to try outdoor activities and sports with me
Semi pass. While I don't need this myself personally, it can be an important point in a marriage to share common interests. A good and valid point.
42) be quiet enough to sit down to play chess, boardgames, playstation with me
Wah, a bit asking for the sky leh. Need to be sunshine boy and yet must be a thinker too. Very unrealistic.
47) will not be overly career-focused and not have time for me
Fail. My hb is very career focused but if asked, he will spend time with me. I would say a semi-valid point as its important for some women.
48) will not stop working before 45 even if we inherited a huge sum of money or strike lottery many times
Pass. A valid point as most women need security.
49) is not an unlucky person or jinx on me
A very childish point and won't know till the day we pass on.
50) will not force me into supersitions that i don't believe or force me into another religion
Pass. An important point.
15) will not boss me around to do things like obey with questioning, sacrifice for the 'big picture', etc
Pass. Can be important as we cannot marry a control freak.
18) does not demand me to be a career woman, virtuous housewife, sweet loving woman, capable mother, best friend and soulmate all into one package
Pass. But from the list above, u are expecting many of these points on the man counterpart. But I suppose u just expect only and not demand them.
20) does not curse and swear...
Semi pass as many men curse and swear when driving..hehee..
25) loves me deeply
Verrrrrrryyyy verrrrrrry..IMPORTANT.
29) not treat gambling as entertainment nor hobby
Passs...Very important. Unless he is Stanley Lee's son and can gamble with stakes in casinos.
31) not abusive
Pass. Very very important.
43) never sulk or frown when he doesn't get the things he wants from me
Fail. Only figurines don't sulk or frown when don't get what they want.
miloice
Well-Known Member
I can cook, do laundry, iron, sew better than my wife. I see no value in all these over a choice of partner. I'm a fully abled person, I do not need to rely on another to do simple chores. Likewise, I can DIY lots of stuffs better than the contractors I pay to renovate my place. Too busy, outsource them. I gamble quite a lot on football. I like the analysis and trill of offering great tips. But, never in debt from it. Gambling also depends on the risk appetite of an individual. It is not a flaw to have a big appetite for risk. You just need to balance it with the right attributes like prioritizing, self control and analytical to take careful calculated risks. Everyone is completely different and we do have our dominant traits. A person that tells me gambling is no-no basically tells me he/she can only see black and white. Research survey consistent point out I'm too frank and a big risk taker. The recommendation isn't to change myself but how to adequately balance it. I need to polish my diplomatic and slow down more allowing time to listen to people in my team that are analytical and cautious in nature to ensure my decisions have fully taken the drawbacks in consideration.
Look at the relationship, if its bad, its obvious. Don't dig reasons from any list to hang on. Use your head. What does it tell u?
Look at the relationship, if its bad, its obvious. Don't dig reasons from any list to hang on. Use your head. What does it tell u?
Hi Sally,
I did not notice there was a more complete list in the archive. Actually I am also a very "list" person due to occupation hazard but somehow, when it comes to marriage, as long as he loves me and makes the effort (fail big time in being a new age senstive guy), I still signed on the dotted line.
Did not read all the advices but mainly the last page, ur first post and ur complete list.
My personal opinion.
1. This guy is not stable. He may not be abusive physically but is certainly abusive emotionally. No good. Personally, I cannot live with such emotional abusive for even 1 week. But that is me. Some women can take it.
2. Ur expectations are very unrealistic. No guy can meet even 50% of that complete list. If there is really such a guy, I would think he is not human, maybe a robot like in one Japanese serial called Absolute boyfriend.
You sound relatively young. Take care, be realistic, love yourself, love those who truly love u and if you have the courage, move on k. Manage ur expectations and u can find a good man one de
I did not notice there was a more complete list in the archive. Actually I am also a very "list" person due to occupation hazard but somehow, when it comes to marriage, as long as he loves me and makes the effort (fail big time in being a new age senstive guy), I still signed on the dotted line.
Did not read all the advices but mainly the last page, ur first post and ur complete list.
My personal opinion.
1. This guy is not stable. He may not be abusive physically but is certainly abusive emotionally. No good. Personally, I cannot live with such emotional abusive for even 1 week. But that is me. Some women can take it.
2. Ur expectations are very unrealistic. No guy can meet even 50% of that complete list. If there is really such a guy, I would think he is not human, maybe a robot like in one Japanese serial called Absolute boyfriend.
You sound relatively young. Take care, be realistic, love yourself, love those who truly love u and if you have the courage, move on k. Manage ur expectations and u can find a good man one de
Which of the following do you girls prefer ?
1) Your man to sing in a heavenly choir (`the hills are alive....with the sound of music...lalala`) from ground level to you at your balcony ? (picture medieval scenes....castle is now a modern-day-HDB !)
2) Your man to be a ktv boy singing to you on stage.
3) Your man oscillating his vocal chords to you in the bathroom, maximizing bathroom tiles acoustics.....
4) None of the above.
1) Your man to sing in a heavenly choir (`the hills are alive....with the sound of music...lalala`) from ground level to you at your balcony ? (picture medieval scenes....castle is now a modern-day-HDB !)
2) Your man to be a ktv boy singing to you on stage.
3) Your man oscillating his vocal chords to you in the bathroom, maximizing bathroom tiles acoustics.....
4) None of the above.
rivernile (rivernilebaby)
New member
Username: rivernilebaby
Post Number: 1
Registered: 4-2011
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rivernile (rivernile)
New member
Username: rivernile
Post Number: 25
Registered: 2-2006
-------------------------------------------------
Are you the same person ?
New member
Username: rivernilebaby
Post Number: 1
Registered: 4-2011
-------------------------------------------------
rivernile (rivernile)
New member
Username: rivernile
Post Number: 25
Registered: 2-2006
-------------------------------------------------
Are you the same person ?
Don´t sing along....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRgNneARISQ&feature=related
-------------------------------------------------
Is it possible to delete a post entirely without leaving a trace ? Only the moderator can do that ? rivernile is the moderator ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRgNneARISQ&feature=related
-------------------------------------------------
Is it possible to delete a post entirely without leaving a trace ? Only the moderator can do that ? rivernile is the moderator ?
rivernilebaby
New Member
Watching,
U hve quite a fun list here
1. Don't like. Later become Romeo and Juliet. So star-crossed. Fairytales don't exist here. Somemore election coming, later neighbours complain, police come.
2. Don't like also. Later malu.
3. This one ok, somemore most economical..heeeee..
Yes, watchiing, same person. I have changed my email and have prob logging as rivernile so no choice got to create a new id. Just now tried to log in a post as rivernile but still failed. So now use rivernilebaby.
U hve quite a fun list here
1. Don't like. Later become Romeo and Juliet. So star-crossed. Fairytales don't exist here. Somemore election coming, later neighbours complain, police come.
2. Don't like also. Later malu.
3. This one ok, somemore most economical..heeeee..
Yes, watchiing, same person. I have changed my email and have prob logging as rivernile so no choice got to create a new id. Just now tried to log in a post as rivernile but still failed. So now use rivernilebaby.
rivernilebaby
New Member
Watching,
U can delete ur own post but must be within 20 mins of posting. See the pinky cross on the top rt hand corner of ur post. Click that.
U can delete ur own post but must be within 20 mins of posting. See the pinky cross on the top rt hand corner of ur post. Click that.