Trust n Insecurity

Hang on... Is just dun bare to let go of the love n things we went thru for the past few years. I still went out a him to see f 1 at suntec nearby. But he did not hold my hands, have some physci al contact with me alsoclike I got disease like that, I felt so bad everytime I go out with him but I still need to act ok I dun mind that attitude made me so tired. He said he cannot be the bf I expected now if I expect more will only made myself more vexed. In a relationship how to have no expectation? I just thinking y we woman trying so hard to save even though is not our fault but end up like begging. Why I put in so much efforts to save even is not my fault y he can't treat me better. I m suppose a strong person but now I m so weak now?
 


sorry for being so emotional. Sometimes I do feel better n deep inside my heart keep asking myself to jia you jia you will get thru, sometimes I still felt so hurt by him, even I already tell myself not to expect things now. Stay a distance from him resist myself from calling him.
 
hi retrodotie,

actually maybe u will feel better not seeing him at all. what for make ur heart ache to go out with him and the status is not the same anymore.

dont you think u will be happier going out w ur friends?
 
"Hang on... Is just dun bare to let go of the love n things we went thru for the past few years."

Hanging on and perseverance will not bring back the past when the present has become unpleasant and the future is bleak. What you have is a memory of how things used to be, not how things are and would be.

My Desired Happiness is right, it would be better not to see him. You know how I left ex-hb? I went cold turkey. I sneaked out (I was afraid that he would stop me using violence; I had been hallucinating for some time that he would strangle me) of the house one day while he was napping. I took only some essentials on me. It was cruel or heartless as he had called of me. But I knew it was like a rotting arm that you have to have it chopped to save your life. Once that first step was done and done right, I found strength to execute everything that saw to a necessary divorce.
 
i also got past relationship, also got deeply in love n dun wanna breakup...

but bo pian rite? if u can't live a life together without each other having to compromise until unhappy... then dun need to be together. love dun need to be together one leh...

unfortunately i think some of u really indulge too much in the past. past happened liao, just keep the memories in heart and pocket... why need to bluff yourself tat it will happen again with the same guy who no longer wanna make it happen?

i'm sure ang peng siong also dun mind swimming in the olympics and getting a medal again, but he has since moved on and built something else liao... he doesn't live in past glories... he will be remembered, but he doesn't expect to be given another chance and he knows he can no longer compete.

same with relationships... live in the past for fcuk? future will have more love stories for u to play a part in... why dun give That a chance?
 
notice how in these taiwanese/korean/jap serials... when the girl finds out she's got a terminal illness, she Always keeps it from the guy or goes missing???

in the meantime they will always say some hinting liner abt one they if they're gone, blah blah.

and the guy will always be depicted as stupid, cannot catch the hint blah blah...

standard formula... of cos the guy will do something super sweet along the way which all girls will go 'awwweeee..'



oh ya how can i forget the usual flashback part??? it'll play the past 'sweet things' the guy did occasionally, a few times thruout the serial...

is this why women keep looking back?
 
Im at the same crossroads again. its been a year, and im still here. SIGH. Went snoooping ard, n found him betraying me again. In fact, i shd know which direction to take. Just that, i hv too many excess baggage to carry. jus need to a timeline to execute my moves, n look for some reassurances.

My 3 yr old gal is turning 4 soon. After i file for divorce,

1. How does her not having a father affect her growing up??

2. Assuming next time i remarry, n hv more kids, will she be ostracized?

3. Assuming i don remarry, isnt it v lonely to be the only child?? as it is, i feel the need to give her another sibling... too bad the father is a disappointment.

i reread my post n all the advises n comments given. Trying to find strength from it. i wonder how much more time i need to really let go. is there any support group for single mothers here?
 
Hi Peppermint

Let me try to answer your questions to the best of what I know or believe in:
1. Don't deny him access to your daughter;
2. By then she may be old enough to understand a whole lot more things. Don't let tomorrow's worry rob you of your happiness today.
3. Expose to and socialise her with other children - in nursery, school, church, playground, enrichment classes, neighbourhood, etc.
 
Peppermint,
Not to worry abt your gal's growing up.
For so many of my friends kids who grew up without their dad, they seems so alright, in fact children nowadays are rather understanding.

I am still trying to forgive and forget now, but it seems so tough to forget.
Every now and then, the thought of what he had done, makes me anguish.
 
Hi Doll, thanks for your reply. your replies look somewhat familiar... its like i already hv the answers in my head... perhaps im jus using my gal as an excuse to hang on to him. jus wat exactly am i hanging on to? i really dunno.

i found out about his second affair. n no, i still hv not confronted him yet. so far i hv managed to contain my emotions. occasionally i do drop him weird sms to make him think twice... i guess tat's jus my way of getting back at him. wat am i waiting for? my excuse? we hv to settle some issues on a ppty. i call it an excuse, becos deep down i know tat i am still wishing n hoping for a wee chance that he may wake up n end the affair, n my marriage is perfect once again.

i know im fooling myself. i think im mentally, physically and maybe financially prepared to end it. jus not emotionally. don ask me why. i dunno. i wonder how many times must i go thru this? how long can i take it...? For now, at this moment, im coping ok. he set his mobile on silent mode, n was secretly sms-ing her while we had dinner with friends. i didnt say anything. somehow, i always manage to consciously distract myself, n not allowing myself to feel shitty for too long. But i still hv the occasion lapse in emotions. like when im driving alone, thinking about my marriage, n him, my heart aches big time n my tears flow down non stop. such crying episodes only make me feel more able to face the world again.
 
vivi, hi. thanks for your advise. i dunno wat's your story, but i guess, finding more things to fill up your life will leave u less time to think about wat he has done. my life is alot more colorful.... friends n family are equally essential to our soul.
happy.gif
 
"But i still hv the occasion lapse in emotions. like when im driving alone, thinking about my marriage, n him, my heart aches big time n my tears flow down non stop. such crying episodes only make me feel more able to face the world again."

Hey, Peppermint, we are only human and of course we have emotions and there would be times that we can't even keep them under check. Just watch yourself closely that you are not crippled by your own emotions and other aspects of your life - work, relationship with family, friendships, health, etc - are not compromised. Borrowing what you have shared in another thread, "life is bigger than the two of us".
 
Thanks doll... thanks for your encouragemt all these times. truly appreciated.

I wanna get to know more single mothers in this forum. I jus want as much support i can get from other's experiences.

i feel quite alone in my journey. putting up a front. n pretending that everything is okie. perhaps its good. gives me the chance to numb myself from his actions. hopefully one day, i can reach the day when his actions will not affect me emotionally anymore.

perhaps the emotional fear of being alone is the thing tat is stopping me from ending the marriage.
 
"I jus want as much support i can get from other's experiences."
>> Hi Peppermint, I find that sometimes it is when we render support that we find more strength within us to resolve our issues on hand or to simply carry on with life despite some challenges. Do you agree?

"i feel quite alone in my journey. putting up a front. n pretending that everything is okie. perhaps its good. gives me the chance to numb myself from his actions"
>> I have been through this sweeping-things-under-the-carpet stage. We were cordial and living like housemates for the last 1.5 years. I diverted my focus to work and friends but the problems were not resolved, and we still had to face our music one final day.

"hopefully one day, i can reach the day when his actions will not affect me emotionally anymore."
>> The good news is, this is quite achievable. Many of my mom's gfs who are in their 60s now are in such a marriage. I am not encouraging a divorce, but is the "housemates" arrangement what you really want?

"perhaps the emotional fear of being alone is the thing tat is stopping me from ending the marriage."
>> Is he still emotionally available to you? What about the other way round? I could hardly think so since there are trust and insecurity issues that are not yet resolved.
 
Its quite oomforting to find my thread still available in this forum. At least there is some familiarity in the messy world out there. I was jus thinking, when i was getting married, I was here to source for info. When my heart got broken, i was here to seek advise. And now, as I go thru my divorce... Im back... and i still see familiar nicks like powder n doll. Its nice. really nice. N brings a smile to me. Its actually comforting. Weirdly so.

Im back... this time my marriage ended. in Jan 2010. And my gal is turning 5. I took five bloody years to end my marriage. But strangely, Im still struggling. Struggling to cope with being alone, with being a divorcee, and how to answer the "Are you married?" question when I meet new friends.

We are settling the maintenance issues etc.. and yes, I hv tried my best n very best to keep things amicable for the good of my daughter. Maybe Im not a nasty person to begin with, so being nice is jus natural. Besides, I dunno why, I still love him. I still yearn to hang out together as a family, 3 of us, for meals, for outings etc. I think some part of me is still in denial. But consciously, I start to realise more n more its IMPOSSIBLE for us to be together anymore. IMPOSSIBLE. But sometimes, nothing is impossible rite?

Jus wanna share n vent some of my feelings n tots and also in saying hi to powder n doll. Its really nice to see you guys still around. You guys are simply amazing.
 
are u married - "still in the midst for now"

it's no longer a taboo nor anything to be ashamed about... my cousin is having his 5th wife... everyone was a journey and it doesn't have to be Bad... some have lifelong ones... some have marriages like holidays in places u dun wanna leave but eventually u know u must...

one journey ends, another begins, Life is here and waiting for u to live...
 
Huh...5th wife?? Can't imagine going thru this 4 times...

Well legally speaking, I'm no longer married... Just need a little more time to come to terms...
 
"We are settling the maintenance issues etc.. and yes, I hv tried my best n very best to keep things amicable for the good of my daughter. Maybe Im not a nasty person to begin with, so being nice is jus natural. Besides, I dunno why, I still love him. I still yearn to hang out together as a family, 3 of us, for meals, for outings etc. I think some part of me is still in denial. But consciously, I start to realise more n more its IMPOSSIBLE for us to be together anymore. IMPOSSIBLE. But sometimes, nothing is impossible rite?"

Hi Peppermint!

I do not have any children from my previous marriage, but if I did, I would want to stay away from "family time" until I am certain that there is no more emotional attachment to the ex-husband or at least it is at a manageable level. This means when the ex-husband takes our child out, I would not tag along.

Would this work?
 
hi doll...
happy.gif
really glad to see u ard ...;)

I dunno if it will work... Cos I dun want him to bring our gal out with some other woman is in the picture.. And there is no way I can be sure unless I tag along. Also it still gives my kid the complete family image... Or maybe it's just me. Trying to hold onto whatever is left... Sigh..
 
PepperMint: been reading this thread... Hmm... Not sure if it works but what about restricting this lady from tagging along when ur ex brings ur child out? Both my friend and my auntie have such restrictions stated for their ex spouses...
happy.gif
 
"I dun want him to bring our gal out with some other woman is in the picture.. And there is no way I can be sure unless I tag along. Also it still gives my kid the complete family image... Or maybe it's just me. Trying to hold onto whatever is left... Sigh.."

Divorce doesn't mean the end of communication.

Instead of tagging along to prevent him from bringing his gf when taking your daughter out, I suggest that you have a talk with him on when you or he should introduce and expose your daughter to the bf or gf.

I think it would be timely to introduce and expose the child to a bf/gf only when the relationship stabilises. A stable environment is helpful in a child's development. If you change partner often, it is best not to expose the child to the changes until you are already in a stable long-term relationship.

As for the "complete family picture".....what is the objective and how it is done?

My gf tried to protect her daughter who was six years old, from the divorce. It had backfired. The daughter was very upset being lied to by both parents when she found out the truth last year.
 
I don't really think we have a right to prevent our ex from bringing our children to meet his/her bf/gf. Unless of course you have reason to believe there are negative influences or abuses.

You don't own your children. YOu do not have exclusive right.
 
Doll, u mentioned yr gf kept the secret from her kid for 6 yrs. My gal knows that daddy n mummy do not stay together. When she ask why, I simply told her thY some families are just like that.. Stay separate. And I reassure that we both still loves her lots. She seemed okay w my answer.

Today, she asked me something that got me dumbfounded. She says she wants a sister or brother... How to have one? I silenced for a while and then pretended I didn't hear her, and
changed topic. I feel really sad...

I dunno how to manage the problem with the other woman. Even if I restrict, how long can I restrict? Until he remarries? Or until my gal is older? How old is old enough?
 
I don't think you should restrict or have a right to restrict unless there are abuses.

Please don't put undue pressure on your girl. A child early and innocent years won't last very long. Let her at least be happy. If she is happy out with the father (once a while) and even with his gf, let her be..

If you really love her you would understand. She is young. She cannot articulate. We cannot impose our feelings on our children. They can feel it.
 
Peppermint, to clarify, my gf and her ex-husband has kept their then 6yo daughter in the dark about the divorce for more than 3yrs. When the girl found out about the truth from her classmate last year at 9yo, she felt terribly betrayed by both daddy and mommy.

This same lady also didn't tell anyone in the office about the divorce. When she was spotted at a big scale singles' event she had a lot of explanation to do and that her integrity was on the line.

Anyway, I concur with SM. There is no need to lie or cover up on the divorce with your girl. It may be good for her to know that you two are friends to each other now but parents to her.

Why do you have to restrict your ex's gf from getting to know your daughter, just because you don't like her?
 
hi peppermint.
are u still on this thread?
hope u're doing fine & coping better aldy.
do u have a blog or anything?
cos if my turn to divorce, i can go & read ur blog & learn to pick myself up.
my hb also affair & im quite sure, probly will have another one again.
but i guess im nt ready to move on & so cant make a decision now. but as days go by, the likelyhood of divorce seems to decrease cos heart soften aldy.
 
Seawaves6, how come u so certain that your hubby will have an affair again?

Anyway, I'm new here and should be going through similar situation. I have a v cute son 3.5 months old... I do get softhearted easily but always remind myself w his misdeeds to harden heart again... I'm still on talking terms w my husband to ease the sudden loss of closest kin (don't go out w him but still talk to him)... But that doesn't make me waver my mind because I don't want my life to be full of doubts... Unless he can prove to me his sincerity n resolution to commit totally back into the family otherwise everything will be filtered as noise...
 
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