studentoflife
New Member
this explain why my rs failed.
Trust n Insecurity
- Thread starter bloomy12
- Start date
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Let me be clearer, Peppermint. If I were in your situation, I will be able to handle him being away from me doing the day-to-day activities, for example, going to the office, meeting clients, work trips overseas, catching up with friends, and/or doing his hobby, etc. If I feel insecure about these, I know I have to work on myself. TOW is the sore spot in the relationship, by keeping in touch with her he is responsible for my sense of insecurity. I won't be able to handle that and won't force myself to handle that because I don't believe I have to.
Doll i just want to applaud wat u said..
"he is responsible for my sense of insecurity. I won't be able to handle that and won't force myself to handle that because I don't believe I have to. "
If your partner cannot be bothered with your feelings, wats the point..?? how many of us have experienced this.. a nagging feeling, an unrest tat u feel.. then we tend to meekly push it aside.. only to realise later that most of the time a woman's intuition really doesnt go wrong..
"he is responsible for my sense of insecurity. I won't be able to handle that and won't force myself to handle that because I don't believe I have to. "
If your partner cannot be bothered with your feelings, wats the point..?? how many of us have experienced this.. a nagging feeling, an unrest tat u feel.. then we tend to meekly push it aside.. only to realise later that most of the time a woman's intuition really doesnt go wrong..
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Hi Dolp, hope you were able to understand what I meant in the context that I had shared my thoughts
pink cloud: I just came across this thread and only read this page. You really need to find the strength to LEAVE THIS MAN. NOW. IMMEDIATELY. NO NEGOTIATIONS.
You are already so unhappy now. What next IF - God forbid, you marry him? Please girl, muster up ALL YOUR COURAGE and walk away now. Don't look back. EVERY WOMAN deserves to be happy. All that emotional distress is causing you to break apart. Get your own life back.
This guy is bad news with a capital B.
You are already so unhappy now. What next IF - God forbid, you marry him? Please girl, muster up ALL YOUR COURAGE and walk away now. Don't look back. EVERY WOMAN deserves to be happy. All that emotional distress is causing you to break apart. Get your own life back.
This guy is bad news with a capital B.
crystal_cloud
New Member
recently i found the change in him already.
you can say im disilusioned.but lately, i have found noting against him
i wish to try again.. coz all these happened before we got together
you can say im disilusioned.but lately, i have found noting against him
i wish to try again.. coz all these happened before we got together
sgbabydoll
Active Member
What, you mean all these happened a few years ago? Why you want to waste people's time by bringing up history that you have chosen to forgive but cannot forget?????
crystal_cloud
New Member
this happened before we got toegther, not few years ago.
probably a forum to me = a place to learn and share.
of coz im thankful for people's advice to me..but din know im wasting people's time by bringing up history..i mean people can choose not to have their time wasted by not replying.
in any case, people once again, can choose the diff way to end or conclude their case raised.
anyway, its true..one has to learn and forget.this i agree. but i need time..
for me, probably my learning curve is steeper..
probably a forum to me = a place to learn and share.
of coz im thankful for people's advice to me..but din know im wasting people's time by bringing up history..i mean people can choose not to have their time wasted by not replying.
in any case, people once again, can choose the diff way to end or conclude their case raised.
anyway, its true..one has to learn and forget.this i agree. but i need time..
for me, probably my learning curve is steeper..
my_desired_happiness
New Member
hi pink cloud,
i suppose u just wanted to seek some advice but deep in ur heart u already know u will most likely forgive him.
im not worried bout u wasting anyone's time. the question is, do u really want to give him 1 more chance? is he really worth 1 more chance?
i suppose u just wanted to seek some advice but deep in ur heart u already know u will most likely forgive him.
im not worried bout u wasting anyone's time. the question is, do u really want to give him 1 more chance? is he really worth 1 more chance?
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Pink Cloud, what is new to your problems with bf? You have heard all sorts of advices and views. What else do you need? Our assurance that you have chosen the right guy? Not possible. You decide if you should forgive him and who to marry. Anyway, what is the point of harping over those same old problems. If you realise, everyone has moved on from your problem except yourself. You are just like a rocking chair, you move but you are still rooted in the same spot. Not tired meh?
quick somebody slap me... i just need someone to tell me off.. my partner has betrayed me on several counts with diff women, i usually keep quiet and track his moves to find out wat he is doing..and also to see if he will come to his senses on his own. but as i gather more evidence, i will lose my patience and qns him to no end.. of cos he will nvr admit but instead give all sorts of excuses and sensing my suspicion, he will cut the woman off hence i nvr really gather enough solid evidence to nail him down and a new one will appear in a few mths.. then its the same cycle..
someone pls give me a harsh scolding and tell me i hv to leave him!
someone pls give me a harsh scolding and tell me i hv to leave him!
isn't it better that u stay with him so that he dun get a chance to hurt other girls who have more sense than to stay with a jerk?
it's good that the jerks are taken up rather than let them run around cheating other girls. try to keep a tight rein on him and dun let him out of your sight.
there's always someone for everyone. better to give u a suspicious guy whom u can successfully catch, than a decent guy u will keep trying to catch and tire out the relationship.
it's good that the jerks are taken up rather than let them run around cheating other girls. try to keep a tight rein on him and dun let him out of your sight.
there's always someone for everyone. better to give u a suspicious guy whom u can successfully catch, than a decent guy u will keep trying to catch and tire out the relationship.
retrodotie
New Member
Dolp, even though how many pple slapping you, if your heart dun wan to give up nobody can help you to give up...
retrodotie
New Member
Prehaps I also need someone to slap me really hard to make me give up on him... But I know, even though how many pple slapping me, how many pple telling me, my heart dun wan to give up I will never give up. But end up in misery. I m painful still dragging to live on everyday. But I also duno how to give up, as he still sms you give u some hopes everyday. I still give in still softhearted. Even though I know the good old times will never come back anymore n forced to be together will only bring up more problems in future.Even though now he only can tell me he needs to overcome himself first before work hard w me n cares me more. What is that??? IF every woman also know how to give up so easy I think in this world dun have this thing called "Misery".
Sometimes things really are that simple. We (unfortunately, esp. women) tend to complicate and dramatise things. Why subject yourself to the pain and misery? Do you not think you deserve better?
Retrodotie - "also duno how to give up, as he still sms you give u some hopes everyday. I still give in still softhearted." Do you think by giving in, you are proving the notion of love? Don't be silly.
You must want to walk away and lead a better life without him. Once you have made that decision, everything else will fall in place. It will just be like a project you need to complete at work or school.
Retrodotie - "also duno how to give up, as he still sms you give u some hopes everyday. I still give in still softhearted." Do you think by giving in, you are proving the notion of love? Don't be silly.
You must want to walk away and lead a better life without him. Once you have made that decision, everything else will fall in place. It will just be like a project you need to complete at work or school.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"also duno how to give up, as he still sms you give u some hopes everyday. I still give in still softhearted"
Retrodotie, don't just let your heart melt over sweet SMSes. Look for congruent action please. Do you know how easy it is to send sweet nothings over SMS? One of my ex-bfs has created different SMS templates and sent to different girls as and when needed! It doesn't take a tech-savvy person to master that. I am not suggesting that your bf is guilty of some wrongdoing, I am just trying to show you how easy it is to SMS sweet nothings.
Retrodotie, don't just let your heart melt over sweet SMSes. Look for congruent action please. Do you know how easy it is to send sweet nothings over SMS? One of my ex-bfs has created different SMS templates and sent to different girls as and when needed! It doesn't take a tech-savvy person to master that. I am not suggesting that your bf is guilty of some wrongdoing, I am just trying to show you how easy it is to SMS sweet nothings.
Haha. Different SMS templates to different girls? I'm sure you find him real amusing looking back now. Sorry ar.. can't help but burst out laughing at my computer screen.
Retrodotie, it's really just about detaching yourself emotionally from the situation and the fog will clear up, slowly but surely.
Just to share, the man whom I want out of my life smsed me daily with sweet nothings for many many months even after I found out he was concurrently still with the other woman. SMS is really convenient and easy and should be the last thing stopping you from doing what you want.
I used to think, he's a damn good actor, that's why I fell for his tricks time and again and eventually married him. Now, seeing things from a different perspective, this is not even about him anymore. It's about me awakening
and stop being stupid. You get the drift?
Retrodotie, it's really just about detaching yourself emotionally from the situation and the fog will clear up, slowly but surely.
Just to share, the man whom I want out of my life smsed me daily with sweet nothings for many many months even after I found out he was concurrently still with the other woman. SMS is really convenient and easy and should be the last thing stopping you from doing what you want.
I used to think, he's a damn good actor, that's why I fell for his tricks time and again and eventually married him. Now, seeing things from a different perspective, this is not even about him anymore. It's about me awakening
and stop being stupid. You get the drift?sgbabydoll
Active Member
Yeah, Lyn, looking back I find everything about him so amusing. Tell you more lah...
When we were together, every morning I would receive the same SMS asking me how I was doing, for example, "Hi Honey, how are you and hows work? Hope you're good and work is good too yah". Once in a while I would get "Baby, how are you and hows work? Hope you're good and work is good too yah" instead. You know, "Honey" became "Baby" hahaha. I bet "Baby" has also received the same SMS for "Honey" from time to time haha
His SMSes were so "standard" till I didn't even know what to reply with leh.
When we were together, every morning I would receive the same SMS asking me how I was doing, for example, "Hi Honey, how are you and hows work? Hope you're good and work is good too yah". Once in a while I would get "Baby, how are you and hows work? Hope you're good and work is good too yah" instead. You know, "Honey" became "Baby" hahaha. I bet "Baby" has also received the same SMS for "Honey" from time to time haha
His SMSes were so "standard" till I didn't even know what to reply with leh.
I also burst out laughing at the standard template sweet SMSes. Such guys are beyond "jian". I can't even find a word to describe such men.
Lyn made a very very good and valid point. It is OBVIOUS that the correct decision to make but women, due to us being more emotional creatures, tend to overcomplicate matters and even when the obvious thing to do is SMACK in front of our faces in blinking neon lights, font size 20,000 in bright neon red, we will still choose to walk away and then ask "How ah? What to do?"
-faint-
Lyn made a very very good and valid point. It is OBVIOUS that the correct decision to make but women, due to us being more emotional creatures, tend to overcomplicate matters and even when the obvious thing to do is SMACK in front of our faces in blinking neon lights, font size 20,000 in bright neon red, we will still choose to walk away and then ask "How ah? What to do?"
-faint-
nutty_nutella
New Member
i think it's the comfort zone that most women fear to step out of.
retrodotie
New Member
Actually his sms is not those sweet words. He used to sms me good morning good night and sms he show cares and ask have i eat etc...He just wan to act normal and normal but refused to tell me an answer.or juz treated me so cold suddenly throw me attitude. Which makes me more heartpain. I think women got more heart, unlike those heartless men. But we hurt more juz because we have heart....
sgbabydoll
Active Member
I am glad that I was able to provide some entertainment to some of you with my experience.
So, this ex-bf of mine kept different templates for different usage. Got the good morning one which I have shared earlier, good night and some others which he would use in different parts of the day to keep the relationship going.
Retrodotie, if you bf does not want to give you an answer, then leave it. When my ex-bf failed to explain the questionable SMSes I found in the handphone that I loaned him (he didn't wipe out the data stored), I initiated a cool-off followed by a break-up. Ironically, I was being called heartless leh for being decisive.
So, this ex-bf of mine kept different templates for different usage. Got the good morning one which I have shared earlier, good night and some others which he would use in different parts of the day to keep the relationship going.
Retrodotie, if you bf does not want to give you an answer, then leave it. When my ex-bf failed to explain the questionable SMSes I found in the handphone that I loaned him (he didn't wipe out the data stored), I initiated a cool-off followed by a break-up. Ironically, I was being called heartless leh for being decisive.
Retrodotie - Never mind the contents of his SMSes, it does not matter ultimately. And just for the record, (I may have read him wrongly) by acting normal when things are not, he could be just keeping you as an option.
And, I don't think heartlessness has anything to do with gender lah. I have been labelled 'heartless' before as well. I did not give one of my ex-bfs a second chance although he attempted suicide after we broke up. He's still well and alive now but back then, the entire episode was damn drama.
And, I don't think heartlessness has anything to do with gender lah. I have been labelled 'heartless' before as well. I did not give one of my ex-bfs a second chance although he attempted suicide after we broke up. He's still well and alive now but back then, the entire episode was damn drama.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
After my mind was made up about leaving the ex-bf, nothing could move me, be it curses, sweet nothings or begging. Actually, I don't mind being called heartless since it is kind of true that my heart was no longer with him. So, heartless is the appropriate word I guess. The only thing I don't understand is that how come he two-timed me but I never called him heartless?! LOL
retrodotie
New Member
Doll, Heartless man lah! If I can be like you then I should leave him long time ago liao...hai
I not sure is it he treats me as option now, 6 years relationship,if he only treats me as an option what else I can say. When i want to talk about it, he will juzt throw temper or sms me those sickening words again to make me shut up and sad. After that he can act normal sms me asking did I eat my dinner etc etc..Made me felt worst. I also wan to forgot the past if not I also cannot move on n be happy.
I not sure is it he treats me as option now, 6 years relationship,if he only treats me as an option what else I can say. When i want to talk about it, he will juzt throw temper or sms me those sickening words again to make me shut up and sad. After that he can act normal sms me asking did I eat my dinner etc etc..Made me felt worst. I also wan to forgot the past if not I also cannot move on n be happy.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Lyn, facing divorce, my ex-husband threatened to kill himself, I told him to go ahead and that at the most I would call an ambulance for him. Better still I could take half of his CPF savings and the whole flat would belong to me without me paying a single cent more. Please lor, if he had meant to kill himself, he would have long gone already having threatened to take his own life from time to time.
Retrodotie, from your description I am afraid that you are an option at the most to your bf. One heartless man does not mean all men are heartless. I was being heartless to ex-bf does not mean I would be heartless to my bf.
Retrodotie, from your description I am afraid that you are an option at the most to your bf. One heartless man does not mean all men are heartless. I was being heartless to ex-bf does not mean I would be heartless to my bf.
At the risk of sounding really heartless here (while we're on the topic of being heartless!), sometimes, I really feel that girls who allow themselves to be led on, trodden upon, treated like dirt, really deserves it. I mean, c'mon. If you even ALLOW yourself to be treated with little/no respect with little/no dignity by this man who SUPPOSEDLY is your loved one, do you blame him for not giving you the level of respect you deserve?
I'm a female too and I know first hand how it feels like to be in this emotional dragnet and it takes a hell lot to pull yourself away from such entanglements. You just have to believe that YOU DESERVE BETTER and really, you do. Even if you have to be single, so be it!! U just have to take that first step in making YOUR own life better because ultimately
I'm a female too and I know first hand how it feels like to be in this emotional dragnet and it takes a hell lot to pull yourself away from such entanglements. You just have to believe that YOU DESERVE BETTER and really, you do. Even if you have to be single, so be it!! U just have to take that first step in making YOUR own life better because ultimately
how to start my life over? can anyone advise how to pick up the pieces? i guess i've just taken my 1st step big step..it will take a couple of weeks before husband will be notified on my divorce petition. for now.. they are still happily dating behind my back.
i feel like sulking, mourning but its been a while and i hv to pick myself up. i guess its not healthy facing the walls everyday either.. but i dont wish to seek another relationship, i need to find myself 1st..anyone in the same boat and interested in an activity group or any suggestions on any support group to recommend?
i feel like sulking, mourning but its been a while and i hv to pick myself up. i guess its not healthy facing the walls everyday either.. but i dont wish to seek another relationship, i need to find myself 1st..anyone in the same boat and interested in an activity group or any suggestions on any support group to recommend?
"not sure is it he treats me as option now, 6 years relationship,if he only treats me as an option what" - the number of years is just a meaningless number. I really cannot emphasise this enough.
When I decided to leave my husband, he tried to 'soften' me by emailing me old photographs, resending me old messages and emails, recalling old memories (yes, we were once very happy). I admit, for a while (being the species who LOVE to overcomplicate matters), I waivered and pondered over giving him YET another chance for YET another affair. I do not know when it happened, but one day, it suddenly dawned on me that I agreed to marry this man to have a great future together. If I no longer see a future with him, there is no point in holding on to the past.
And from that day on, it was no turning back. I am focusing on walking away, with dignity and my head held high.
Just sharing my two cents' worth, in the small hope that you will cut short your 'sufferings' and quit being in limbo. All the best.
When I decided to leave my husband, he tried to 'soften' me by emailing me old photographs, resending me old messages and emails, recalling old memories (yes, we were once very happy). I admit, for a while (being the species who LOVE to overcomplicate matters), I waivered and pondered over giving him YET another chance for YET another affair. I do not know when it happened, but one day, it suddenly dawned on me that I agreed to marry this man to have a great future together. If I no longer see a future with him, there is no point in holding on to the past.
And from that day on, it was no turning back. I am focusing on walking away, with dignity and my head held high.
Just sharing my two cents' worth, in the small hope that you will cut short your 'sufferings' and quit being in limbo. All the best.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Dolp, tell yourself that you have ditched him as should be.
Dolp - Yes, you do not need another relationship now. For now, you have to rebuild the relationship with yourself. That's top priority.
We could somewhat be in the same boat, my husband and the other woman are still together while he's doing 'surface' work of trying to win me back by acting all 'bruised and victimised'. If you are able to see things from another perspective, it's actually rather amusing watching him.
I do not know of any support groups but this is what I have done since I made the decision to walk away. I wouldnt call it advice, it's just some pointers that I am holding fast onto.
1. Set short-term achievable goals e.g. picking up a new sport, a new language, widening social network, quit excessive drinking (too many embarrassing moments after getting drunk), losing weight (haha). Learning how to drive is next on the agenda. I actually wrote them down on paper and had a completion date against each task. As you can see, there's really many things you can do.
2. Stay focused on moving on
I am making a very conscious effort to stay positive. I hung out with positive people, thought positive thoughts, spoke positive words. You know how misery loves company. It just multiplies, IF you allow it to. I made it a point to be there for other friends who are going through rough patches in their lives as well. It helps when you do not allow yourself to be consumed by your own misery.
3. Reflection
I did a lot of reflection on myself during this period of time, and I'm sure more in time to come as well. I wrote down on paper the mistakes I made, the lessons I learnt, the kind of man that I will 'run opposite direction' when I meet them in future... (ok, kidding... haha)
4. Minimal contact with him and his family members
Very important to block out all the 'noise' if you have decided on a divorce.
Stay in control of your emotions, but be kind and give yourself time to recover. I have my weak moments too but I literally talk myself into snapping out of it.
I see a happier future without him and will continue working towards that.
Cheers, babe.
We could somewhat be in the same boat, my husband and the other woman are still together while he's doing 'surface' work of trying to win me back by acting all 'bruised and victimised'. If you are able to see things from another perspective, it's actually rather amusing watching him.
I do not know of any support groups but this is what I have done since I made the decision to walk away. I wouldnt call it advice, it's just some pointers that I am holding fast onto.
1. Set short-term achievable goals e.g. picking up a new sport, a new language, widening social network, quit excessive drinking (too many embarrassing moments after getting drunk), losing weight (haha). Learning how to drive is next on the agenda. I actually wrote them down on paper and had a completion date against each task. As you can see, there's really many things you can do.
2. Stay focused on moving on
I am making a very conscious effort to stay positive. I hung out with positive people, thought positive thoughts, spoke positive words. You know how misery loves company. It just multiplies, IF you allow it to. I made it a point to be there for other friends who are going through rough patches in their lives as well. It helps when you do not allow yourself to be consumed by your own misery.
3. Reflection
I did a lot of reflection on myself during this period of time, and I'm sure more in time to come as well. I wrote down on paper the mistakes I made, the lessons I learnt, the kind of man that I will 'run opposite direction' when I meet them in future... (ok, kidding... haha)
4. Minimal contact with him and his family members
Very important to block out all the 'noise' if you have decided on a divorce.
Stay in control of your emotions, but be kind and give yourself time to recover. I have my weak moments too but I literally talk myself into snapping out of it.
Cheers, babe.
Lyn - Well said, in both your posts.
What I have learnt from my previous r/ships is, NEVER GROVEL. As you have already put it so aptly:
"I am focusing on walking away, with dignity and my head held high."
This, ladies, is very very important. You don't want to look back and then cringe at the kind of stupid things you did. I speak from personal experience but cut myself some slack by thinking that hey, I was young then. Hehe.
What I have learnt from my previous r/ships is, NEVER GROVEL. As you have already put it so aptly:
"I am focusing on walking away, with dignity and my head held high."
This, ladies, is very very important. You don't want to look back and then cringe at the kind of stupid things you did. I speak from personal experience but cut myself some slack by thinking that hey, I was young then. Hehe.
retrodotie
New Member
Most important must pick up your life first, for the past few months I always very lazy laying on the bed think and think and think, cry and cry and cry. But nothing has improved except has gained few kgs weight. sickening. Now I trying to make myself busy and tired no time to think.Trying to get back my life. Trying very hard not to look back and think about the unhappy incidents because I m still too young to look back. Life still got to move on. Jia You!
you're right, life's got to go on.. my consolation is that better now on my time and terms rather than later at his/theirs, correct?? hence no turning back now..got to believe that the worst is over and things can only get better..
ive gotta start on an exercise program 1st of all and spend lots of quality time with myself..havent been treating myself right through all of this - draggin myself thru a broken marriage, forcing myself to swallow infidelity...in our life, the all time most impt person shd be ourselves..so i owe it to myself, to treat me right starting from now...
ive gotta start on an exercise program 1st of all and spend lots of quality time with myself..havent been treating myself right through all of this - draggin myself thru a broken marriage, forcing myself to swallow infidelity...in our life, the all time most impt person shd be ourselves..so i owe it to myself, to treat me right starting from now...
its kinda wierd isnt it? tat the person closest and to whom you've entrusted your lifetime happiness to, injure you carelessly and thoughtlessly..yet it's ppl at the forum, strangers whom we have not met that helped in your healing...
Thank you all for sharing, Cheers and Jia you to all of us..
Thank you all for sharing, Cheers and Jia you to all of us..
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Life is unpredictable.
yes Powder - "the only person we should ever entrust our lifetime of happiness to is - Ourselves." how aptly said.
Past hurts, pains and what you have is just like a little creature. By 'showering' too much attention on them, you'd encourage it to 'grow' into a monster that'd eventually consume you. Think happy thoughts, people.
Past hurts, pains and what you have is just like a little creature. By 'showering' too much attention on them, you'd encourage it to 'grow' into a monster that'd eventually consume you. Think happy thoughts, people.
powderful07
New Member
Better to have tried and failed than not try at all...
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Even if we admit failure ourselves, some of us just would not let others see our failure. When the marriage is dead, some still hang on just so others do not see that it is already dead.