Too soon to get married?

doraemon333

New Member
Knew my girlfriend for like 5 months already...but seem like her biology clock is ticking...she pestering for me to marry her now...but i think that 5 months is so short as you hardly knows the person properly....btw she is 35 years old this year....and hope that we can ROM by end of this year....do adv....she told me she is running out of time to have kids....
 


infojunkie

Active Member
take this as an opportunity to really get to know her without giving too much of urself away...

just take ur time, sit back and observe.
 

momoftwo

Member
If you are not in a rush to start a family , then don't waste her time.
It is true at 35 she is in the high risk category for pregnancy.

The longer she waits the lower her chance of getting pregnant.

The lower the chance of having a normal gestation and birth experience.
 

cococherry

New Member
Yed at 35 its alarm ringing. Child birth isnt a sure tio thing so even if you marry her now doesnt mean she will conceive immediately.
Whether your marriage will be happy everlasting or not is not determine by the length of the courtship. Didnt we hear many Uni sweethearts's marriage broke down after many years? But are you ready to marry this woman? Do you think you have know her well enough to take her as your wife and spend the rest of your life with her?
 

doraemon333

New Member
How could u possibly knows someone well enough after 5 months...u need at least 2 to 3 years before u can properly knows a person....i think woman's perception on marriage is definitely very different from men....settling down in 5 months can be consider a very rush marriage...if things dun goes as plan.....divorce will be a very messy affair...U can't just get married cause the lady's biology clock is ticking dun you think....
 

momoftwo

Member
Uh huh.. well tell that to men marrying mail order brides.
they hardly know the women, but are willing to spend thousands to marry these young foreign girls. Merely checking them out 2-3 days and visiting her little village in a third world country.

All they need is a valid credit card to pay the middlemen, a 5K wedding and a valid spouse visa and a one way flight ticket for the new bride.

Apparently, what applies to these young foreign chicks don't seem to apply to women in her 30s eh ?

What a strange world we live in.
 

momoftwo

Member
So really, it's not how long you know her.. or even how much you know her.

It's all about how much you WANT her to be your wife and mother of your child.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
no worry doraemon, no one can force u to do something u dun want to
happy.gif


btw, it says alot abt a person who can't take 'NO' for an ans... time to dump her.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
time is subjective. Some couples find their right one in a short time. The thing about comfort level, no one can force it on you. Something relatively common in local folks that you should beware of... imposing their ideas and hard selling it to you. You don't need to take too long to realize that.

Somehow, every reason and priority of the gal, as long as its valid, is taken with top priority. If they are so short of time.... get a mail order groom. Afterall, just because there are chaps that are fine with mail order brides... somehow becomes a reason to ignore your concerns. Similarly, this should apply to the ladies as well. This kind of warped logic should gives you the alarm bells.
 

powder

Active Member
assume both of u are pretty mature adults... so the decision shouldn't take too long... on whether to carry-on as a romantic couple, or perhaps move on as frens...

she hopes end of this year - if it's 2yrs later Unguaranteed? is she willing to forego kids? does she love u that much or is she looking to settle down WITH kids?

u want kids in the first place or 50/50? if dun want kids then this Won't Work. and if u need 2yrs, she can't wait... it's not gonna work either.

cheers.
 

uglydude

Member
I personally dun think that marriage should be a guarantee when u go into a relationship, i have friends who went into a relationship not thinking about marriage, but along the way they change their mind. If u walk into a relationship thinking that marriage should be promised, best to walk out of it now while u still can, cause end of the day you dun marry the lady. It will turns ugly....Kids should come along only after both of you got married.
 

momoftwo

Member
Don't take too long to be a daddy.

Old farts do have a hard time keeping up with young children.

She is 35, how old are you ?

If you have a baby this year , how old will you be when the kid is ready to go to college ?

By the time he/she is ready to have your grandchildren, will you be around to see that ?

Some men here are so narrow minded, they can't see beyond their puny penis. That is soooo sad.
Yes I am talking about you Mr Milo, don't have to beat around the bush to attack me. Passive aggression is a sign of cowardice.
 

uglydude

Member
In the western society, it is also normal to have kids before the marriage. If kids are a priority, you can actually suggest your girlfriend to have a kid first and from there works towards the relationship. This is on the basis that kids are what both of you want.
 

simpleman

Active Member
How could u possibly knows someone well enough after 5 months...u need at least 2 to 3 years before u can properly knows a person.

There is no exact time duration to know someone. 5 months can be too short but it can be too long. How do you know even after 2 to 3 years you can know someone properly? It is so arbitrary.

The key thing is how you feel now. What you want vs what she wants.. and if you are ready. At 35 kids it is not a die die must have kids else cannot have.. Of course the younger to have kids better..

You post on this forum, so what do you expect? You seem fixated on 5 months is too short - so bet it.. tell her.. if she can't accept it, then so be it.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Everyone have their own expectations, topics like starting a family are important to be discussed and aligned ahead. However, one needs to realize it is impossible to contain all factor in a given time frame. Things are completely dynamic. We should be well aware that changes can and will happen. How disappointed one will be with the outcome depends largely on how stubbornly fixed we are about our own expectations. Disappointment comes with the unfulfilled expectations. Our goals and views evolves as well. If the couple cannot see eye to eye on them and both insists only on their own needs and wants, the relationship will never work.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
momoftwo, I disagree on the topic discussed. Your argument about foreign brides is so lame and irrelevant. It understandable in your psychotic mindset that its always about you being under attack. You will go on with your usual shit, trying to make this another of your self righteous battles, instead of discussing about the points brought forward, completely expected.
 

momoftwo

Member
well Mr milo seem you are still very sore from your wounded pride.

Have you been reading up more books to educate yourself recently ? I hope so.

You may think I am spewing shit, but it's only because you are not very well educated hence unable to understand my wisdom.

You repeatedly mistook simple logic as signs of psychosis.

Fortunately for you, I do not like to make fun of under educated people like you. It is most certainly uncalled for.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
介不介意跟还谈不上是爱的人孕育下一代?

相信大多数人都介意。。。 不是?

所以不愿意就是不愿意,再多的理由都无用!
婚姻大事岂能儿戏?
只要搂主有一丝犹豫就应该止步。

所以哆啦A梦,请三思阿。。。
妥协让步的后果怕是会带来终身遗憾。
 

1127

New Member
Hello Doraemon, 

Someone once told me "don't put the cart in front of the horse". Don't be rushed into a marriage till you are ready. Your coming into this forum to post shows you are not ready to take this step. To some, 5 months is enough (which in my opinion is still too short), but to others a few years is still not enough. It's really very individual. But to you, you find the 5 months simply insufficient time to know her enough. So, you are not ready. Then don't be pressurised by her.

Your girlfriend should also not rush into a marriage because of her biological clock. IMHO she seems to be more interested to settle down quickly because she wants babies and it's getting late for her. She is most likely getting desperate. Of course, she also finds you suitable to be the father of her children, and of course most likely she might actually loves you too. 

There are, however, some women, not the majority though, in our present modern society, who will minimise the "love" factor or/and "compatibility" factor when entering into marriage for other reasons (I am not referring to cases where the women find themselves pregnant. I am referring to women who enter into marriage to, say, get pregnant), but this is not that usual. So, your view "i think woman's perception on marriage is definitely very different from men" is not really true for the general female population in Singapore. You might tend to think so because your girlfriend is 35 and she might be too fixated on having babies before its too late for her.

If your girlfriend started dating you at 34-35, she should know by now her fertility rate will not be very high compared to someone in her 20s. She ought to be mentally prepared that there might not be children for her in her life, and accept the possibility. Yes, she is 35 and wants to settle down now. Yet she had more than a decade in the past to date and find, aware that her biological clock is ticking away, but she had made her choices to stay single (perhaps for very good reasons too), didn't she? If she come across now as "pressurising" to you, you should tell her honestly how you feel.

Most dating couples, if things work out properly and both get to know each other, will usually reach a stage where both are ready to take the big step forward. Marriage is a life time commitment to each other whether there are children to come or not. There are medical help such as IVF etc which can help many to have babies. 

"settling down in 5 months can be consider a very rush marriage...if things dun goes as plan.....divorce will be a very messy affair...U can't just get married cause the lady's biology clock is ticking dun you think....": I agree with your completely.
 

1127

New Member
Hello Doraemon, 

Of IVF etc:

If in future, you both decide to settle down, and natural methods of conceiving is not working, there are medical methods to help such as IVF etc.
Typically for a woman age 35, the success rate of IVF is 28-30%.
For a woman age 40, success rate of IVF is 11-20%.
Beyond 40, rate drops drastically.

For locals, the government has a scheme of grants and subsidies for the first 3 IVF procedures, making it affordable to do IVF. It is in the interest of the government to have more Singaporeans conceive. Fertility clinics are well run in both public and private hospitals. If I am not mistaken, the first IVF procedure in KKH cost as low as $3000 Cash Outlay (but its better that your girlfriend check KKH out properly) Private hospitals will charge you more than twice as much for the same procedure.

So she is currently not in an extremely bad situation yet, unless she waits till after 40.

And in the event of marriage, her state of anxiety will affect her hormonal level making her less likely to conceive due to stress. It will also give the spouse a lot of unnecessary pressure in bed.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Jac, agree with most of your point except that the decision to remain single till now may not be her choice. Relationship can fail despite having taken time and effort, no one is able to turn back the clock. Her concerns over her bio clock are just as valid as Doraemon's concerns. The fact that Doraemon is having reservations should suggest quite clearly the relationship isn't at the level suitable for marriage, it can be many reasons for it other than the short dating period alone.
 

1127

New Member
Of Children:

I assume, Doraemon, that you are local and Asian, so it is usual to settle down and go the family way. Our families and society also have such expectations of us. But let me share with you a perspective:

Unless you and you spouse simply love and adore children, they are more a liability. Yes yes they are cute and everything when they are small, and they will be the joy and pride of your life. But the downsides? For one, children are very expensive to upkeep in Singapore. But the really hard facts are: When they are all grown up and have completed their tertiary education, don't expect them to give you any part of their paycheck (you should count yourself lucky if they don't ask you for pocket money to supplement their paycheck) They need money to go tours or buy and maintain a car (cars very ex in Singapore, of course everyone knows). When they apply jobs, it wouldn't be restricted to local ones. They apply online, go anywhere in the world to work for years on end, and most likely will settle down abroad. This is already happening with some of my "older" friends. What more in 10-20 years' time, when our children gets more educated and globally mobile, and the world gets smaller?

The traditional "Asian values" that you keep with your parents (if you are keeping any at all), are unlikely to govern how your children will treat you. You wouldn't have all your children coming home for dinner, siting around the round table nicely and smiling and greeting you, like what you watch on TV8. The kids may come back for dinner, yes, for Christmas, perhaps, because they are working in UK or Guangzhou, for example. This is essentially the empty nest syndrome and many parents have a hard time adjusting to that. It's really quite shocking and heartbreaking to them, after all that they have done and for so many years, their children were the centre of their lives.

They didn't realise having and loving children also means letting go and giving them the freedom to leave. Whether they come back is another matter. Having children in Singapore now is only about giving unconditionally and sacrificially. Many of my friends stopped at one. Some do not want to have kids. Some have two or three but are making plans to take care of their own old age and retirement. They are doing something to expand their social circle knowing that when the children grow up, they wouldn't be there for them to nag at, to pamper, to look after, or to have afternoon tea with them when they are lonely. So they are taking some hobbies now and meeting up old school mates. They know what is coming. 

I am not saying all your kids will do that to you. But most of my friends like to refer to their children as "liabilities" behind the kids' back, of course. Why do you think Singaporeans, esp the more educated ones, are not keen to produce and produce (with all those Tax Kickbacks and all)?

You need to know what you want. How many children do you personally want? At which age will you want to see yourself as a dad? For men, there is really not much of an issue where age is concerned. If so, the alleys of Geylang will only be frequented by young men. Also, you need to know what parenthood entails. If you want and love to have children, be aware of the cost and the expectations, so that you will not suffer disillusion in time to come.
 

momoftwo

Member
Men who thinks their age are not fertility rate factors are still living in the old age.

"Although it is possible for men to father children into old age, the genetic quality of sperm, as well as its volume and motility, all typically decrease with age.[10] In other words, older sperm are less likely to result in a successful pregnancy and, moreover, the cumulative fragmentation of sperm DNA over time[11] increases the likelihood that a small fraction of men will pass on achondroplasia and transmit multiple genetic and chromosomal defects"

Do some research.

The reason why your wife is not conceiving may be your fault too.
 

uglydude

Member
I think men out there should not be in a rush to get into marriage...if things dun work out and it end up in divorce...we are always in the losing end...Take your time to slowly find out more about the lady...If she can't wait, let her move on with her life...The number of single ladies in singapore far exceeds that of men...So take your time to choose another woman that will gives u time to think thru...
happy.gif
 

momoftwo

Member
Mr Doraemon, may I know how old are you ?

Why are you hanging out with a 35 year old if you are capable of bagging a 25 year old ?

Perhaps because younger girls don't want to look at you ?

Rightfully so my friend, young women prefers young studs to old farts.

Unless you are very wealthy , it's likely they will stare at your old saggy skin instead of your wallet.

Be realistic please.
 

1127

New Member
Argumentum ad hominem is one distasteful method to argue or present one's point. It reflects poorly on one's ability to present or argue logically, impartially and to stick to the subject matter concerned. Abusive ad hominem reflects one's inclination to lean on using personal attacks to present an argument or a point.

I am surprised that such posts are not deleted, immediately or subsequently or at all, by the moderators here. Elsewhere in other online forums, abusive ad hominem can be deleted straightaway without being allowed to be posted.
 

momoftwo

Member
Jac, moderators here do not understand the concept of Logic Argumentum Ad Hominem.

Nor do they care. Too much restriction will only chase away readers, not good for business.

You see those ads flashing on your screens ?
 

momoftwo

Member
And, not forgetting the many success stories of match made marriage, now how does that work ?

Seems even match made marriages are more long lasting than those who went through long periods of courtship.

Does knowing each other longer equate to lasting marriage ? Or is it something else ?
 

1127

New Member
Argumentum ad hominem is one distasteful method to argue or present one's point. It reflects poorly on one's ability to present or argue logically, impartially and to stick to the subject matter concerned. Abusive ad hominem reflects one's inclination to lean on using personal attacks to present an argument or a point.

Elsewhere in other online forums, abusive ad hominem can be deleted straightaway without being allowed to be posted.
 

1127

New Member
My latest post above was sent too quick. It was incomplete. It should read:
      
Argumentum ad hominem is one distasteful method to argue or present one's point. It reflects poorly on one's ability to present or argue logically, impartially and to stick to the subject matter concerned. Abusive ad hominem reflects one's inclination to lean on using personal attacks to present an argument or a point. 

Elsewhere in other online forums, abusive ad hominem can be deleted straightaway without being allowed to be posted.

"Forums prefer a premise of open and free discussion and often adopt de facto standards. Most common topics on forums include questions, comparisons, polls of opinion as well as debates. It is not uncommon for nonsense or unsocial behavior to sprout as people lose temper, especially if the topic is controversial. Poor understanding of differences in values of the participants is a common problem on forums. Because replies to a topic are often worded aimed at someone's point of view, discussion will usually go slightly off into several directions as people question each other's validity, sources and so on. Circular discussion and ambiguity in replies can extend for several tens of posts of a thread eventually ending when everyone gives up or attention spans waver and a more interesting subject takes over. It is not uncommon for debate to end in ad hominem attacks." (wiki)

"An ad hominem (Latin for "to the man" or "to the person"), short for argumentum ad hominem, is an argument made personally against an opponent instead of against their argument. Ad hominem reasoning is normally described as an informal fallacy,  more precisely an irrelevance." (wiki)

"Abusive ad hominem usually involves attacking the traits of an opponent as a means to invalidate their arguments. Equating someone's character with the soundness of their argument is a logical fallacy." (wiki)
 

mint_leaf

New Member
I believe that time is not a factor to decide of the time to settle down is right or not. You may know a person for a couple of years before marriage, and yet cannot gurantee that it will last forever.

I am with my bf for only 4 months plus and we have already decided that we are the one for each other. We are now looking at ROM dates somewhere between May- Sept this year. It is not an impulse/ sudden decision because we believe we know aht we are doing. Morever, we are already in the 30s and not intending to have any kids. I had kids from my previous marriage and he love them alot. Been thru so many relationships all these years, I knew that he is finally thr right one for me, and we are really serious abot each other and work hard together to build a family together.

So, my point is- go with yr heart.. If u feel that she is the one for you, go ahead. If you have doubts- give a time frame for maybe a year or so. But pls dont waste her time if you have no intention
happy.gif
 

momoftwo

Member
5 months plus end of year = more than a year courtship.

If you are not interested in starting a family with her by end of the year, you might as well end it with her now .
 

momoftwo

Member
Let me help you decode her message.

1. Do you want to be married soon ? Yes or No.
2. Do you want to have children soon ? Yes or No.
3. Do you want to start a family with me? Yes or No.

Copy down the above question , answer it honestly , submit to your girlfriend.

She will decide if she should bail or continue with you after your submission.
 

concerned76

New Member
I have seen some friends who knew their spouse for less than 6 months and got married..and the results after all these years? Well....some worked out...while others did not...
It all boils down to the other party's character, cos whether you are seeing the person as he or she is, or that they are hiding lots of things about themselves that only time will tell, which in your instance, it is still too early.
Some people in the west prefer staying together under one roof for a period to see if they can get used to each other, and if it does not, they will go separate ways. Perhaps not for Asian culture, but it holds a certain truth in it.
Some people would divorce their partner on some very trivial perculiar behavious of their spouse, but then again, it boils down to individual, and how each party is willing to accept and give and take...so eventually, the person's character, which, would be revealed over time.
Another quick and dirty way if clock is ticking...do market checks of the other person...friends, colleagues, relatives....anyone you could get your hands on...and...good luck!
 

J_Xuan

New Member
doraemon333,

Maybe you can bring her a on a long holiday (say 8-12 days) , being away from home and living together for a stretch of 2 weeks can accelerate your understanding of her personality and habits. Then perhaps after which, you should make a decision whether to proceed with the relationship or to free and allow her to find another suitable partner who wants to settle down soon.

She probably finds that you make a suitable partner and would like to start a family with you. But if you think otherwise, its not advisable to further waste her time.
As a female, I kinda understand this biological clock thingy, it's not merely an excuse to tie the knot soon, after 35 it's going to be a toil on a woman to have children.

There are always limitations in life. In your case it's TIME.
 

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