Too much to handle or am I just too selfish

[wluyan]

if you have decided what is better for you, wish u the best

 

[Infernolord]

Why I regretted going against my parents and stand by my ex-wife a year later is because, parkinson got the best of my father. My father admitted to hospital two months ago due to lung failure. The cause? Parkinson. That night if my mother didn't went to check on my father, I would have lost a father. During my marriage with my ex-wife I now then realise that I have neglected my parents a lot. I hardly talk to them. My father parkinson have been accelerating so fast that just barely five years since he first show sign of parkinson, he is already at the final stage. Doctor speculated that he have another 6 to 18 months left. Whenever someone talks about how's my ex-wife towards my parents, I will be furiously mad. When my parents wanted to join us to see our wedding venue, my ex-wife will get me to talk my parents not to join us.
There's this one occasion that I wanted to have lunch with my parents together with my ex-wife but my ex-wife father wants to go out, and insist on going out together, I cancel my plans on my parents. I put her family ahead of mine so much that I forgotten that I myself have a parents too.

Even after IJ granted, my ex-wife contacted me and we had an argument on our parents. She claims that she put my family ahead of hers, and I told her to prove it. She can't.

I mean, there's a lot of things that have happened that eventually causes the marriage to break down. This example is one of them. I mean if you guys are really interested in knowing what happened, I really don't mind to meet whoever is interested out to talk and discuss about this.

After reading your post, you feel you bro.
However U also have a part in this, bcos you allow her to ... Aiya. we learned from past experiences and we will get better in the future.
i was also like you.. everything give in, try forgive and forget fast. That's what our dad do.
But the World have evolved. Gers have changed .
Some are more independent. Some ladies get prettier because of makeup and knives. Some are getting more open and westernise.

Since you made a decision.. and have thought tru this carefully she is not the right one. Be firm and move on.

 

[life_is]

Whoa, I have never expect my post to escalate to such level of discussion.. Nonetheless, with regards to some of the posts here.


Dear wluyan,
I totally understand where you are coming from and I am in no intention to disagree your take on this.

Agreed on that I sign the marriage certificate myself. Agreed that love may keep the marriage going. But in today situation, there are many factors that may not just tear relationship but also marriage apart.

If you ask me, do I hesitate in my decision, do I still love my ex-wife back then. Without hesitation, I will tell you yes. Then why I decided to carry on the decision of ending it, is simply, it have reach to the point of there's no longer trust coming from her, and the demand from my then in-laws. This reply will be lengthy, but allow me to walk you and everyone else here through.

As per mention earlier on, I wanted to settle down with her when I am 27-28y/o, because by then I believe I will be financially stable. But my ex-wife disagree and insist that earlier and later does not make any difference. She wants to settle down early. So the ideal age of us getting married becomes an auction ground. This carries on for at least half a year with tons of unhappiness and argument. With me finally agreeing on earliest 25y/o. But no, it doesn't stops there. Just last year (which we ROM), she tired her luck again, wanting to settle down because of SG50 and keep emphasising that now and later doesn't make any difference, but I keep telling her, we agreed on 25 y/o. Although she said she will understand and will be okay if we stick to original agreed year, she was unhappy and we have a heated argument (not surprising). Which me eventually agreeing that we ROM in four months time. Now, you can stay I can be firm on my ground and stick to original agreed year instead of pacifying and giving in to her. But why I do so because I love her. Thinking that, with me agreeing and supporting to her and giving what she always dream of, she will be supportive of what I do too.

But nooooooooooooo.... It wasn't that simple. nooooooooooooo

Now let me share with you about our family for the next part of the story to the best of my knowledge.
I am the only son and I come from sightly above family. My father had a golden hand shake about two years ago when he was 60 (force to retire actually due to parkinson) when he fell at work. Despite all the medication and physiotherapy my father parkinson is deteriorating faster than expected. My mother is a housewife since I was born. I was raise up in a pretty traditional family and was taught to earn for things I want myself. My parents save every dollar and cent to achieve what they have today. Take it as I am sharing too much details or bragging. I honestly don't care about what my parents gonna leave for me.

My ex-wife come from a single family. She's the middle child of three daughters, her father retired at a early age of 51 due to slight stroke. Father have no saving, occasionally gambles. Despite having slight stroke, and still have the ability to walk and carry, but he hardly attend speech and physiotherapy and deem that he's no longer fit for work.

Hence both our father sits at home.

Now, my ex-wife never like my mother but after we ROM, she moved in with us for awhile because she was seeking shelter at our place because her father kept asking her for money. So during the two weeks stay at my parents' place, she have a bit of argument with my mother. That is when the first time she raise up and said she wants to divorce. I at that point stand by my ex-wife and go against my parents which the quarrel lasted for more than a month (which I regretted exactly a year later, will go into that later). During that one month, I never go home and eat with my parents, I hardly see my parents and I occasionally stay at my ex-wife parents' place. Although my mom is not in any wrong, I go against my mother because I want to keep my wife and my marriage.

The second time we had an argument was some disagreement or miscommunication on both side, meaning both parties are at fault. And I don't like to pacify when I'm angry, or what some call me as the 'do tomorrow' guy. I would rather I cool down and apologise than me apologising when both parties are still mad at each other making the apology not sincere. But to her is unacceptable (although she hardly apologise even when she's at fault), she raise up the point of wanting divorce and saying that how many men are waiting for her if I don't do anything about it. So when I decided to pacify her, she decline. Is like, I don't do for you, you angry, I do for you, you refuse kinda situation.

So third time when we have a heated argument and try to pacify her and she refuse, when is just a simple miscommunication, that's when I snapped and said I wanted a divorce. What happened next please refer to the first page first post in summary.

Now in case you guys are wondering, why I regretted going against my parents and stand by my ex-wife a year later is because, parkinson got the best of my father. My father admitted to hospital two months ago due to lung failure. The cause? Parkinson. That night if my mother didn't went to check on my father, I would have lost a father. During my marriage with my ex-wife I now then realise that I have neglected my parents a lot. I hardly talk to them. My father parkinson have been accelerating so fast that just barely five years since he first show sign of parkinson, he is already at the final stage. Doctor speculated that he have another 6 to 18 months left. Whenever someone talks about how's my ex-wife towards my parents, I will be furiously mad. When my parents wanted to join us to see our wedding venue, my ex-wife will get me to talk my parents not to join us.
There's this one occasion that I wanted to have lunch with my parents together with my ex-wife but my ex-wife father wants to go out, and insist on going out together, I cancel my plans on my parents. I put her family ahead of mine so much that I forgotten that I myself have a parents too.

Even after IJ granted, my ex-wife contacted me and we had an argument on our parents. She claims that she put my family ahead of hers, and I told her to prove it. She can't.

I mean, there's a lot of things that have happened that eventually causes the marriage to break down. This example is one of them. I mean if you guys are really interested in knowing what happened, I really don't mind to meet whoever is interested out to talk and discuss about this.

If you need help with the divorce maybe I can guide. Your ex sounds very similar to mine, always blaming and causing family problems, and always so selfish and spoilt

 

[life_is]

After reading your post, you feel you bro.
However U also have a part in this, bcos you allow her to ... Aiya. we learned from past experiences and we will get better in the future.
i was also like you.. everything give in, try forgive and forget fast. That's what our dad do.
But the World have evolved. Gers have changed .
Some are more independent. Some ladies get prettier because of makeup and knives. Some are getting more open and westernise.

Since you made a decision.. and have thought tru this carefully she is not the right one. Be firm and move on.

We can educate other men about the legal framework that benefits only women so more can know how to call their bluff and prevent them from gaining benefits through underhand means. In such circumstances, men must stand united and educate all on protective measures and how to identify such women before marriage. There are ways to ensure women don't game the system.

 

[likethathow]

Forgot to Update: Final Judgement granted. Nightmare over liao.

 

[meiji5]

Forgot to Update: Final Judgement granted. Nightmare over liao.

Congrats! I hope to receive my FJ before CNY. Then same as you, everything finally over!

 

[mochapancakes]

Wow, such a good read and made me think deeply about some of the tough issues - especially because I am not sure if I am even ready for marriage myself.
It's 2017 and I hope TS gets a good start. You sound more mature than your ex-wife and I always felt that it's important for men to establish their careers first before settling down. Regardless of gender, one should only settle down when they feel ready to do so. I have seen so many cases around me which failed because they were not.

 

[verysadguy]

Whoa, I have never expect my post to escalate to such level of discussion.. Nonetheless, with regards to some of the posts here.


Dear wluyan,
I totally understand where you are coming from and I am in no intention to disagree your take on this.

Agreed on that I sign the marriage certificate myself. Agreed that love may keep the marriage going. But in today situation, there are many factors that may not just tear relationship but also marriage apart.

If you ask me, do I hesitate in my decision, do I still love my ex-wife back then. Without hesitation, I will tell you yes. Then why I decided to carry on the decision of ending it, is simply, it have reach to the point of there's no longer trust coming from her, and the demand from my then in-laws. This reply will be lengthy, but allow me to walk you and everyone else here through.

As per mention earlier on, I wanted to settle down with her when I am 27-28y/o, because by then I believe I will be financially stable. But my ex-wife disagree and insist that earlier and later does not make any difference. She wants to settle down early. So the ideal age of us getting married becomes an auction ground. This carries on for at least half a year with tons of unhappiness and argument. With me finally agreeing on earliest 25y/o. But no, it doesn't stops there. Just last year (which we ROM), she tired her luck again, wanting to settle down because of SG50 and keep emphasising that now and later doesn't make any difference, but I keep telling her, we agreed on 25 y/o. Although she said she will understand and will be okay if we stick to original agreed year, she was unhappy and we have a heated argument (not surprising). Which me eventually agreeing that we ROM in four months time. Now, you can stay I can be firm on my ground and stick to original agreed year instead of pacifying and giving in to her. But why I do so because I love her. Thinking that, with me agreeing and supporting to her and giving what she always dream of, she will be supportive of what I do too.

But nooooooooooooo.... It wasn't that simple. nooooooooooooo

Now let me share with you about our family for the next part of the story to the best of my knowledge.
I am the only son and I come from sightly above family. My father had a golden hand shake about two years ago when he was 60 (force to retire actually due to parkinson) when he fell at work. Despite all the medication and physiotherapy my father parkinson is deteriorating faster than expected. My mother is a housewife since I was born. I was raise up in a pretty traditional family and was taught to earn for things I want myself. My parents save every dollar and cent to achieve what they have today. Take it as I am sharing too much details or bragging. I honestly don't care about what my parents gonna leave for me.

My ex-wife come from a single family. She's the middle child of three daughters, her father retired at a early age of 51 due to slight stroke. Father have no saving, occasionally gambles. Despite having slight stroke, and still have the ability to walk and carry, but he hardly attend speech and physiotherapy and deem that he's no longer fit for work.

Hence both our father sits at home.

Now, my ex-wife never like my mother but after we ROM, she moved in with us for awhile because she was seeking shelter at our place because her father kept asking her for money. So during the two weeks stay at my parents' place, she have a bit of argument with my mother. That is when the first time she raise up and said she wants to divorce. I at that point stand by my ex-wife and go against my parents which the quarrel lasted for more than a month (which I regretted exactly a year later, will go into that later). During that one month, I never go home and eat with my parents, I hardly see my parents and I occasionally stay at my ex-wife parents' place. Although my mom is not in any wrong, I go against my mother because I want to keep my wife and my marriage.

The second time we had an argument was some disagreement or miscommunication on both side, meaning both parties are at fault. And I don't like to pacify when I'm angry, or what some call me as the 'do tomorrow' guy. I would rather I cool down and apologise than me apologising when both parties are still mad at each other making the apology not sincere. But to her is unacceptable (although she hardly apologise even when she's at fault), she raise up the point of wanting divorce and saying that how many men are waiting for her if I don't do anything about it. So when I decided to pacify her, she decline. Is like, I don't do for you, you angry, I do for you, you refuse kinda situation.

So third time when we have a heated argument and try to pacify her and she refuse, when is just a simple miscommunication, that's when I snapped and said I wanted a divorce. What happened next please refer to the first page first post in summary.

Now in case you guys are wondering, why I regretted going against my parents and stand by my ex-wife a year later is because, parkinson got the best of my father. My father admitted to hospital two months ago due to lung failure. The cause? Parkinson. That night if my mother didn't went to check on my father, I would have lost a father. During my marriage with my ex-wife I now then realise that I have neglected my parents a lot. I hardly talk to them. My father parkinson have been accelerating so fast that just barely five years since he first show sign of parkinson, he is already at the final stage. Doctor speculated that he have another 6 to 18 months left. Whenever someone talks about how's my ex-wife towards my parents, I will be furiously mad. When my parents wanted to join us to see our wedding venue, my ex-wife will get me to talk my parents not to join us.
There's this one occasion that I wanted to have lunch with my parents together with my ex-wife but my ex-wife father wants to go out, and insist on going out together, I cancel my plans on my parents. I put her family ahead of mine so much that I forgotten that I myself have a parents too.

Even after IJ granted, my ex-wife contacted me and we had an argument on our parents. She claims that she put my family ahead of hers, and I told her to prove it. She can't.

I mean, there's a lot of things that have happened that eventually causes the marriage to break down. This example is one of them. I mean if you guys are really interested in knowing what happened, I really don't mind to meet whoever is interested out to talk and discuss about this.

Yes, things are not really that simple. I also have my own story to share. I wrote it in this forum in 2014. Also a super long post but I don't intend to bring it up again because of the bad memories. For those who think that women should be accorded some privileges since they gave birth to kids and put their lives at risk, you need to understand that not all women want to have kids. In a marriage without kids, men are still required to pay alimony if the ex-wife wanted. If there are kids, I don't think it is wrong to pay for child maintenance. They are small and they need help but in a marriage without kids, the ex-wife should not be allowed a single cent but it is not the case in the current Women Charter.

Since your divorce is finally granted, you would need to get on with your life. I am not sure how are you feeling now but after 2 years, I still have occasional thoughts about my past marriage that breaks apart. I still ask myself maybe things can be better if I do something different but then it still comes back to me that divorce is the best option for both of us due to several incompatibilities between both of us. I certainly hope that there are some support groups in SG for divorcees but I can't find any places. I hope to find a good girl to marry one day but matchmaking agencies are saying that it is hard for divorcees to find love again. Couple with all the bad media on divorcees and especially the recent Woodland murder case, maybe staying alone is the best.