Royally played out

[powder]

13_yee,

it's very simple really... if both of u want OUT, just agree on the Divorce. reasons are not impt as long as u agree to go back to separate lives... the reasons given to facilitate it should not matter. what u choose to tell respective concerned parties is entirely up to u guys...

as for direction, when u're ready... read my 1st post to u here. it's simple but should get your life back on track...

 

[powderful07]

13yee...

I don't need your endorsement.

 

[hungrydog]

Words without the tone can be easily misunderstood..No one will want to hurt you more when you are already bruised..

Take your time to recuperate, and get back on track..once u straighten up your life, u can defintely find another better RS than this one..

 

[sgbabydoll]

13_yee

How long have you been married?

As info, the parties must be married for at least three years before any one of them can apply for a divorce. Or if the plaintiff has suffered exceptional hardship or if his/her spouse has been exceptionally unreasonable and cruel, with proofs, the court will accept the application even if the marriage is under three years.

The only ground necessary to file for divorce is that the marriage has irretrievably broken down under any of the five situations:
- Infidelity;
- Desertion;
- Separation for three years;
- Separation for four years; or
- Unreasonable behaviour

Basically, if your marriage is under three years, the Court will not entertain your divorce application unless you can prove that you are suffering from exceptional hardship or that your husband has been behaving exceptionally unreasonable and cruel to you. As to what constitutes such hardships, behaviours or acts of cruelty, I can only say that they have to meet the legal fine prints.

Couples whose marriages are under three years usually go on separation, and apply for divorce at the end of the separation.

Perhaps you might like to pick up Foo Siew Fong's book "When marriages break down: Rights, obligations and division of property", to get a better idea on divorce proceedings in general. The book is available at the national and community libraries.

Even as I have shared some basic divorce info here, I hope it will not be miscontrued as being encouraging in divorce. But if divorce is inevitable for your marriage, to stay informed is definitely better than to remain ignorant of reality of things.

 

[saggitarian]

k .. nice attitude here ..
(since under my name is still label as new member.)

i am totally surprise that those mean regular members never cute(kill) you on your latest post.

"Anyone here (other than the mean ones) know who should file for divorce? He's the initiator, and he should right? but actually what's the difference?"

Did you realise that you dun even know you want a divorce or not sweetie ?

it doesnt matter who initialise, but is more of what you want now in your life

seriously . i think your life is sort of aimless now .. get some target to aim ..

 

[sgbabydoll]

Qwerty, I think it's perfectly normal for anyone in her situation not to know if they want a divorce sooner, later or not at all. When unsure, just take time to think things through. The last thing one should do is to act on impulse or vengeance, and regret in life later. But of course, hopefully, she doesn't take a lifetime to think. That would be big time procrastination.

 

[skylar]

,.......

wtf! get over & done with?

this is the kinda attitude that she can response with?
coz others dun listen or pity her in her expected way??!!

DUH!!

 

[saggitarian]

doll ..

the question that is thrown out doesnt not seem to have a matter to do with time ..

anyone here know who should file for divorce? he right ? cos he the initiator ..

it tells me like .. oh this job shld be wife do or husband do ? hmm shld be husband do cos is husband wan one ..

>.<

 

[simpleman]

u pple give her a break lah.

Obviously she is confused and in a dilemma.

On the one hand, she believes in her vows and she still love her hb. On the other hand, she feels so tortured with the relationship with her hb.

She wants out and yet she refuses to. So she will swings from one extremes to another. this is normal.

My advice for her is to separate from her hb (I guess she is already separated) - start a new life, get a job and takes her time to ponder over her relationship with her hb.

Divorce or not.. it will then comes naturally ..

 

[miloice]

Agree... the emotional roller coaster is perfectly normal human behavior.

what is not normal is the demeaning of everyone. The idea that the 'world' is somehow against them and out to condemn them. Such thinking have serious long term psychological effects. One has to snap out of soon.

 

[jadeite]

Aiyah, what's wrong if some people only want pats on the back and sympathy rather than advice? Most girls are like that... they just want hugs and love and comfort rather than someone telling them "you should do this, do that, do this". Even my dad, my brother, my FH, all learned that when the women in their lives are upset, usually they know what's wrong (usually we're the ones who brought it upon ourselves!), we know what to do, just that we need to wallow in self-pity and sadness for awhile and then kick ourselves to get up again. So all they need to do is hold us when we cry and try not to say "I told you so" in our immediate hearing

Those who have been hurt before, have a care for those who are now going through that phase. Don't throw the "I've been there, done that, you should do this too" reaction at them.

Then again those who ASK for advice and are GIVEN advice, don't then say that you only want huggles and kissywissies because you ASKED for advice and by golly the people in this forum are going to hand it out to you in spades.

And there's only so much wallowing you can do...after awhile (Especially with an "escapist" like your hubby) you really need to stand up and take the bull by its horns and take action. Cuz obviously he's not going to do it. Take control of your life and minimize your own losses and hurt.

If you have tried your best to stay true to your vows, good for you. Staying true to your vow is not just being married. It is staying strong, true, a good communicator, hold up your end of the bargain and accept that sometimes, occasionally the other party may not be able to hold up his end. If you think that a period of separation may help to reconcile, work towards reconciliation. If you think there's no hope, just get out now.

You need to weigh the advice given, apply it, use your own common sense, and do what appears to be best for you. Screw the thoughts and opinions of the people here. Who are we to you?! Strangers. Just take the simple advice, the comfort if you need it, and then DO.

Good luck on your journey.

 

[13yee]

Yes jadeite, I know mostly what i need to do and what i should. It's just the confirmation that we want to hear to know our choices are not invalidated the manner I was invalidated by my to-be-ex.

Yes I do admit I have selective hearing and I only want to hear what pleases me, but some of the advices which i refuse to swallow are the ones i should ponder about.

It has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs and I feel 'denial' is the best word now to describe myself. I won't deny this self-pitying I am in, the dilemma and the urge to bargain with him for a chance. but since he's so adamant about his wise choice and has so much as guts to call a marriage off over the phone and not in my face, I can only wallow and cry while repeating the mantra that the more i chase the more he runs.

I'm not gonna MAKE him chase me back. When I sign on the paper means it's over. I've got my documents ready holding in my shaking hands, not sure to give it time or to do it now. Till it draws nearer to the expiry time, I will beat him to it if no action has been done on his side.

That's as much thinking as I have done. Surely I do not feel and am not given the closure to feel that this is real, that's why I feel so royally screwed.

We're now already separated (a very typical action of him and his twin) using work as the perfect excuse. I have not found a job but I won't die since I've got my caring folks to support me through this little crisis.

Yes I definitely do not need the "I told you so." Simply because if anyone would have known, it would not have become like this.

BUT definitely a lesson has been learnt here. What exact lesson? I cannot put a finger on it yet, but I bet I'll soon realise it.

I'm surely going to carry on with some crying and mourning, (girls don't stand up and immediately get up and over it like guys)till my tears run out.

Doll, I'm still eligible for an annulment (thank goodness), but I guess i'll have to go with the basis of non-consummation like 99.5% of annulled couples do.

And since I'm still q-u-i-t-e young, and adorable (really... if u care to see my picture la) I think it's not tough to move on with my head held high... but not now. Not yet. I'm dreaming and imagining my future, which is quite a blur, yet I convinced myself to be positive.

But I do not quite know why sometimes I feel positive while sometimes worse than a pitiful rat. Is that normal? Is it a sign that I am in denial? I hope and wish once I get out of this self-torment, it's once and for all. I do not want to be rushed into that, but neither do I want to be crawling and stopping just before the finishing line to keep looking back for that snail to go after me.

I admit I was a dumbass to call him last night for a final word, and to get some closure to which he made me feel worse. And when it made me feel worse, I actually felt better, no doubt no closure, but it makes more sense when he said "I don't love you enough to put up with our arguments" to which I hope he realises when he remarries, no marriage comes without arguments.

Ok. I admit to being one huge dumbass, but it woke me up a little more. Perhaps 13yee was never meant for huang fei hong.... but this 13yee is young and huang fei hong might just end up with a mail order bride like he once said why he was grateful for having me, a young wife.

 

[simpleman]

13 yee,

It is normal to have the feelings you are having now.. self-awareness of yourself in denial is the first step.

You will get there, like many of us did when we were down and out.

Just need to let the passage of time flow and grit your teeth and move forward. I bet you, a couple of years down the road when you look back at yourself now, you will be amaze.

 

[13yee]

i know that in time, i will look back in retrospect to find myself such a louse in the first place, but I'm just waiting and working through that to get to that time

 

[hungrydog]

sm, maybe she can do better than that..who knows few months down the road she might be the one giving out advice to people here..

 

[powderful07]

..............................






PS : keeping my promise.

 

[13yee]

that i'm sure i can't. if i could, i wouldn't have been in this dumbass situation

 

[hungrydog]

no matter wat..Hope you be back on track soon..

 

[powderful07]

You live.
You learn.
Good or bad experience.
They're a part of your learning process in life.

Just don't repeat the same mistake again down the road.

 

[13yee]

the only problem being we do not know it's a mistake till it gets there again. men have this ability to screw with ur mind till you're hopelessly f*^*ed and when 1 realises it, it's the same shit over again.

 

[miloice]

hi 13_yee,

the 1st step to overcoming the issues is identifying and recognizing it.

Glad u finally seeing sense through it. Its definitely tough. No doubt about that. But as as you snap out of the vicious cycle, u will be clearer on what you really want. Hang on there.

 

[powderful07]

Men?! MEN?!?!

Then 13yee...
If you make the same mistake again...it's not the MEN that you should be worried...

I'll be more worried on you and your ability to learn, absorb and adapt yourself...

Stop pushing the blame to third party (MEN) if you don't apply your experience in life...

You pat a tiger on the head; and you get mauled...
Would you still pat the next tiger again after you have healed?

 

[13yee]

hard to tell if the that man is tiger or puppy ma.

 

[powderful07]

Wah pianz...

Give up...

 

[13yee]

ANYWAY, i can't date and won't date for a long while, until somehow somewhere, someone whom i just cannot siam, and cannot siam me, means bo pian he must be the one liao.

 

[simpleman]

13 yee, in time to come you will meet the right one.. don't have to siam

 

[janie_wawa]

eh powderful? u broke yr promise....

 

[simpleman]

janie,

powderful always break promise.. he just cannot resist posting

 

[janie_wawa]

sm, ya i noe...juz like every1 noes he is an arsehole....hahahahaha

 

[simpleman]

he may be an arse hole here.. in person he is not

 

[janie_wawa]

sm, i noe lah...i oni 'noe' him here...so to me..he is still an arsehole...AHAHAHAHAHA....
just like he is an arsehole to..er...shit...i 4got tat person's nick already...the 1 who has celebrity frens????

muz faster zao liao..he is coming after mi with his xdz soon...

 

[saggitarian]

maybe you can opt to be a lesbian .. then i suppose . less pain will be inflicted . ^_^

 

[miko2006]

13yee

You overcome weakness by leaving it behind you.
This means that you become aware of the inner tendencies that bring you down, that do not support a belief in self,
that do not endorse a love of self, and you say,
" i don't want to be that any more "
you then move yourself our of the slovenly ways of the collective, into a discipline of power.

Make " Happiness is the best revenge "

YOUR NEW 2009 Motto.

With this thought ever-present in your mind, work to increase your self-esteem (which is often deflated when our mate leaves )

 

[alcifertoh]

qwerty... don't ho kai siao lah... I think that would further screw her up. Alot of lesbians I encounter all suicidal one. Bo dai bo chi wanna suicide and always use that as emotional blackmail. On that note I still feel gays are more emotional friendly.

Just move on from this and learn from this experience. In future be more wary if you spot simi traits. You would know how to differentiate a tiger from puppy as you met one before liao.

 

[skylar]

Janie,

that joker u forgot the name ah? SUNBEAN lah!
the Ekin-trying-to-be lor.. whahahaha.. with sandals!

Whaaa kaoz.. lesbian! win liao lor like that.. zzzz.. simi kio less pain will be inflicted.. DAO! whahhahaaha......

 

[kessie83]

alot of teenagers (Not gay, non lesbian) also bo dai bo ji wanna suicide mah.... esp those secondary student who love to carry pen knife blade to school in their pencil box, crave their ex bf, bf, and best friend names on their wrists or arms....

** nvm, don bother what i wrote... i just feeling pek cek now **

 

[skylar]

well.. fact is be it normal r/s or gay or lesbians also got their own set of probs one.. so its really hard to compare against them...

craving names on wrist is the "in" thing mah since my time.. lol...

 

[kessie83]

Skylar, i think these people adopt the idea from Yue Fei.. cos Yue Fei asked his mama to crave "JIN ZHONG BAO GOU' on his back...

 

[alcifertoh]

But I do feel that it's tougher for them to balance their emotions than the norm wor. The equation repels leh. That one is ang kong izzit? Not self-mutilating lah haha

 

[powderful07]

It's TATTOO lah...

Not "crave"...
It's spelled "carve"...

 

[alcifertoh]

I think Yue Mu never carve. She poked.

 

[13yee]

miko, i like the way you put it.

happiness is the best revenge.

n i'm gonna get me a new tattoo to celebrate that....(also coz old one bo complete)

 

[kessie83]

paiseh la.. typo lo.. my engrish not powderful one lei...

 

[jadeite]

Hope you've decided what you are going to do about your hubby. And not just that you are going to get a new tat.

Enjoy the tat, but make a firm decision about hubby and follow it thru. Don't look back at what ifs.. just do and take what comes with that decision. Don't waffle about anymore

 

[13yee]

he's adamant, he says he'll get his lawyer and blabla so iwait 4 his lawyer's letter lor.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Doll, I'm still eligible for an annulment (thank goodness), but I guess i'll have to go with the basis of non-consummation like 99.5% of annulled couples do."

13_yee, just like to point out that since you are in Singapore and he is likely to remain overseas for work, for practical reasons you should initiate the proceedings because the plaintiff is required to attend the court hearing eventually.

 

[sgbabydoll]

O, didn't see your post before I last posted...

 

[13yee]

court hearing? not lawyer pass me paper to sign then he sign?

 

[sgbabydoll]

I understand that minimally the plaintiff must appear in court. Check with your lawyer?

 

[13yee]

shikes.... last thing i need to do is to be in the same room as he is........just thought that we could do the signing of papers separately, and spare me the agony of trying to tear his face apart. yeah probably speak to my lawyer... but it is a fact we both need to engage one each right?