Opinions needed

[newproject]

invited is one thing. necessary is another thing

Maybe you youngsters these days are different, my time more traditional Reunion dinners are strictly family only married than can go .

So how many different family reunions have you gone too? Sounds a lot

 

[ing1]

invited is one thing. necessary is another thing

Maybe you youngsters these days are different, my time more traditional Reunion dinners are strictly family only married than can go .

So how many different family reunions have you gone too? Sounds a lot

LOL! I do get invites but I dun do reunion lunch/dinners until I was married and I considered myself as youngster.

 

[pinkfairy08]

Besides differences in family values, worked up easily over things, scolding 4 letter words, what are the things you like about him? do those things matter enough to you to make you overlook/ignore these differences?

If you are not married yet, then be mentally prepared that this is what you will be going through every day, every cny, every important event for the rest of your life with him. You will have to keep giving in to him. Is this what you want? Is this what you want for your kids?

If you are already married to him, then live with it. You have already made your choice with open eyes. In my opinion, family values difficult/near impossible to change. You just have to make the best out of it. i.e. since he is ok for you to sleep over at your parents place, so just do it. Maybe he may miss your company and start realising your importance to him. You know him better.

again, just my tots.

We have plans to settle down. But looking at the recent discussion on things then make me realise these small little things he get so worked up over it and even when i tried to explain how both can compromise eg alternate etc on the cny reunion stuff thing he just picked on me and mentioned when he suggested we can go ahead with each other own reunion is also a suggestion and doesnt mean he dont care. He still talked abt the past cny thingy when i merely suggested how both can compromise.

Despite efforts to slowly explain i also kena and he is a divorcee and he mentioned he and ex wife always cold war and both very independent and cold war work very well for them as when angry both dont talk.

I am unlike his ex wife and i like to talk abt problem and solve and and unlike them just dont talk.they just parted cos cold war and feelings drifted apart.

 

[ing1]

We have plans to settle down. But looking at the recent discussion on things then make me realise these small little things he get so worked up over it and even when i tried to explain how both can compromise eg alternate etc on the cny reunion stuff thing he just picked on me and mentioned when he suggested we can go ahead with each other own reunion is also a suggestion and doesnt mean he dont care. He still talked abt the past cny thingy when i merely suggested how both can compromise.

Despite efforts to slowly explain i also kena and he is a divorcee and he mentioned he and ex wife always cold war and both very independent and cold war work very well for them as when angry both dont talk.

I am unlike his ex wife and i like to talk abt problem and solve and and unlike them just dont talk.they just parted cos cold war and feelings drifted apart.

Gal, cold war worked for them NOT because they are both independent. My guess is that both of them has huge ego and avoiding/refusing to acknowledge mistakes, avoiding/refusing to be the 1st to apologise, therefore they rather not talk to each other - communication breakdown.

On the other hand, acknowledging /talking about an issue does not make you less independent / more clingy - if that is what he is suggesting you are. If he is expecting you to behave like his ex wife, then you better think twice because it seems like he does not even know why his 1st marriage failed in the 1st place.

Also he does not seem to understand what is important to you and what matters to you. How much does he really know you? Your hobbies, your favorite food /favorite past time? Did he make an effort to know you / understand you? or rather do you guys really know / understand each other?

Lastly, do you fear him?

 

[ing1]

We have plans to settle down. But looking at the recent discussion on things then make me realise these small little things he get so worked up over it and even when i tried to explain how both can compromise eg alternate etc on the cny reunion stuff thing he just picked on me and mentioned when he suggested we can go ahead with each other own reunion is also a suggestion and doesnt mean he dont care. He still talked abt the past cny thingy when i merely suggested how both can compromise.

Despite efforts to slowly explain i also kena and he is a divorcee and he mentioned he and ex wife always cold war and both very independent and cold war work very well for them as when angry both dont talk.

I am unlike his ex wife and i like to talk abt problem and solve and and unlike them just dont talk.they just parted cos cold war and feelings drifted apart.

By the way, you do not have to post your answers to my questions in the my last post. It is really for your thoughts only. But I hope you can answer those questions truthfully to yourself before you make any important decisions because to me, marriage is a lifetime promise to each other. ( I also like fairytale endings - happily ever after.)

 

[pinkfairy08]

Gal, cold war worked for them NOT because they are both independent. My guess is that both of them has huge ego and avoiding/refusing to acknowledge mistakes, avoiding/refusing to be the 1st to apologise, therefore they rather not talk to each other - communication breakdown.

On the other hand, acknowledging /talking about an issue does not make you less independent / more clingy - if that is what he is suggesting you are. If he is expecting you to behave like his ex wife, then you better think twice because it seems like he does not even know why his 1st marriage failed in the 1st place.

Also he does not seem to understand what is important to you and what matters to you. How much does he really know you? Your hobbies, your favorite food /favorite past time? Did he make an effort to know you / understand you? or rather do you guys really know / understand each other?

Lastly, do you fear him?

Perhaps this is his definition being independent will not keep asking questions or trying to resolve but cool off as in cold war then after a while everything sweep under the carpet and happy again. I am quite surprised when he mentioned they cold war on off and each do their own things staying under one roof. after a while no feelings and both decided just divorce. So it seems both parties dont want to talk it out and when is time feelings faded. He is really bad in resolving conflicts and most times he choose o stonewall but no chance to cold war as I am not like him with such extreme personality. Could be with ex wife less stress as conflicts just shut off and do own things not as stress as finding time to talk it out. But even for me I can't link why 2 person can cold war and not solve problem or talk about it at all along the way.

Not that I want to compare, but using cold war to handle conflicts in any relationship is bad. he knows my character and my likes and disikes but he fail to understand what matters most to me esp in solving conflicts and somehow take me for granted that after conflicts I will still let go and talk to him. Just by talking he can get worked up and trigger me to get worked up. Lastime I will yearn for more concern etc but now I rather be independent and not be so emotional.

 

[newproject]

We have plans to settle down. But looking at the recent discussion on things then make me realise these small little things he get so worked up over it and even when i tried to explain how both can compromise eg alternate etc on the cny reunion stuff thing he just picked on me and mentioned when he suggested we can go ahead with each other own reunion is also a suggestion and doesnt mean he dont care. He still talked abt the past cny thingy when i merely suggested how both can compromise.

Despite efforts to slowly explain i also kena and he is a divorcee and he mentioned he and ex wife always cold war and both very independent and cold war work very well for them as when angry both dont talk.

.

lol "work very well" for them until divorce?

 

[Eggwhite]

Cold war will always be a ticking clock...
Cold war would also lead to many coldwars.

Agreed with others.. cold war is the outcome of both having too big ego...

If small issues cannot be comprised.. forget abt the larger issues to be faced in the future. Bound to be more.

 

[coldjade]

Me and my HTB are both very calm and easy going, but even then we have differences and will have to compromise once in awhile. It's always best to communicate. Cold war is not a way to solve problem. It's escaping from problems. If it worked well they wouldn't have divorced.

 

[TheRepentant]

To shed some light on introvert guy. I love my wife and her parents and relatives. They are always nice to me and asking about me. But I always find it bored to be at her place because I prefer to do my personal things or chill out doing my hobby. But if she deems I should go, like on important occasions I would go, but I do feel bored and she knows that. Understand everyone is different esp for an introvert, who get their energy from being alone.

The most important thing I feel u should do is to tell whether he is filial or not. Some guys are just unfilial and not that they are introvert. And if that’s the case then u have to reconsider because you will me miserable as he later showed disrespect for your parents. As a guy, one thing I myself feel is utmost important besides my love for my wife is my love and respect for my parents and her parents.
To use tree as analogy. Our parents are the roots, we are the leaves and maybe our kids the fruits. If we don’t treat our parents and her parents well, imagine the roots are starved of water and fertilizer, the leaves, flowers and fruits will all die.Your guy must have this knowledge - for you to be happy he needs to make sure your parents are well taken care of , and loved.
Take time to discover this in him. If he does not agree with this or think he should love and respect your parents like his, then I feel is risky.