Opinions needed

[pinkfairy08]

Hi everyone,

Would like to hear everyone views on my relationship issue. I got to know this guy who is 10 years my senior in mid 40s and things have been going smoothly and we got together after going out for 5 dates. We do enjoy each other company when we go on dates etc and have similar interests and values.

Fast forward, however when we got together in a relationship and after hanging together for like 20 plus times over these 2 months plus, i find out that he can be a cold person as in when i am upset, stress or feeling emo, he can"t seem to see and provide me with comfort unless like what he told me i need to be direct and say " dear i am feeling down and need your attention now or i need a listening ear" and he will give me the attention. He mentioned not to make Him guess or he had any model answer to reply me in this situation." He says that i have expectations about him to be more sensitive new age guy which he is not. But problem is i dont expect him to be super caring or sweet talk to me but i thought care and concern is from the heart and mutual?? When i ask him if his partner is non caring can he take it? He say no if totally not caring. We are fine together is just this portion bothering us and he keep telling me not to make him guess and just be direct. Are all guys like that if i have to keep direct n say out my emo n thhoughts isn"t it like i begging for his concern??

On the whole we are ok and the disagreement is only on this portion for now..i tried having a gd talk with him but he say he is not gd at guessing feelings and all his ex partners also dont expect him to guess.. sometimes i am just tired on this.

 

[littlepinkpointes]

Hi everyone,

Would like to hear everyone views on my relationship issue. I got to know this guy who is 10 years my senior in mid 40s and things have been going smoothly and we got together after going out for 5 dates. We do enjoy each other company when we go on dates etc and have similar interests and values.

Fast forward, however when we got together in a relationship and after hanging together for like 20 plus times over these 2 months plus, i find out that he can be a cold person as in when i am upset, stress or feeling emo, he can"t seem to see and provide me with comfort unless like what he told me i need to be direct and say " dear i am feeling down and need your attention now or i need a listening ear" and he will give me the attention. He mentioned not to make Him guess or he had any model answer to reply me in this situation." He says that i have expectations about him to be more sensitive new age guy which he is not. But problem is i dont expect him to be super caring or sweet talk to me but i thought care and concern is from the heart and mutual?? When i ask him if his partner is non caring can he take it? He say no if totally not caring. We are fine together is just this portion bothering us and he keep telling me not to make him guess and just be direct. Are all guys like that if i have to keep direct n say out my emo n thhoughts isn"t it like i begging for his concern??

On the whole we are ok and the disagreement is only on this portion for now..i tried having a gd talk with him but he say he is not gd at guessing feelings and all his ex partners also dont expect him to guess.. sometimes i am just tired on this.

Hi Pinkfairy,
I think guys are generally like that (?)
They don't really like to make guesses and only a few are the observant kind who will probe when they sense that you might be feeling down.

My mister told me a couple of times that guys prefer to be (or mostly) direct or straightforward. He told me before, (although he's always checking if I'm ok if I'm quiet or what not) that I can just tell him how I feel. Of course in reality, we girls tend to like to either keep quiet or show it all on our faces (haha).

Maybe your guy is more of a 'communicator'? I guess the longer and more time you guys spend together, you both might understand how each other handles such issues?

Are you the kind who will expect the guy to observe and probe you to share? Or the kind who prefer to be 'alone' for a while and only share when ready?

 

[pinkfairy08]

Maybe we are still at the stage of understanding better..but maybe in a way sometimes i dont like to express myself more but in my heart prefer the guy take bit of hint and comfort me without me saying out..at times wana be alone but still want concern. N he cld just leave me alone. Maybe i shld really expree my thoughts out or keep quiet if prefer alone

 

[JuzDream]

I used to feel depress on why my boyfriend is not caring towards me at all.

Upon communicating with my friends, they told me to tell him i am emo and how he can make me feel better like hug me or buying me to eat good food.

They rather make you happy as per your instruction coz it is not their nature to care for someone unlike girls.

 

[clem]

Guys are "problem solver", who prefer you to tell them directly what is in your mind, so that they can help you to analyse and find a solution. They don't like to "guess" because the guesses might be wrong (and hence frustrating), and the process is tiring.

From guys' point of view, if we are in relationship, why do you need me to guess ("understand" in girls' word)? Why can't you just tell me what happen?

When guys don't guess or fail to sense your emo, that doesn't mean they don't love or care about you, not at all.

 

[miloice]

Hi everyone,

Would like to hear everyone views on my relationship issue. I got to know this guy who is 10 years my senior in mid 40s and things have been going smoothly and we got together after going out for 5 dates. We do enjoy each other company when we go on dates etc and have similar interests and values.

Fast forward, however when we got together in a relationship and after hanging together for like 20 plus times over these 2 months plus, i find out that he can be a cold person as in when i am upset, stress or feeling emo, he can"t seem to see and provide me with comfort unless like what he told me i need to be direct and say " dear i am feeling down and need your attention now or i need a listening ear" and he will give me the attention. He mentioned not to make Him guess or he had any model answer to reply me in this situation." He says that i have expectations about him to be more sensitive new age guy which he is not. But problem is i dont expect him to be super caring or sweet talk to me but i thought care and concern is from the heart and mutual?? When i ask him if his partner is non caring can he take it? He say no if totally not caring. We are fine together is just this portion bothering us and he keep telling me not to make him guess and just be direct. Are all guys like that if i have to keep direct n say out my emo n thhoughts isn"t it like i begging for his concern??

On the whole we are ok and the disagreement is only on this portion for now..i tried having a gd talk with him but he say he is not gd at guessing feelings and all his ex partners also dont expect him to guess.. sometimes i am just tired on this.

is this your first serious relationship? or probably pampered by all previous bf. Build on the communication, influence each other, with understanding, he could better empathize and appreciate what's impt for you. He is not you and you guys are still very early in the relationship. Naturally, you do not understand each other enough yet. Every person is different. Take time to share and grow together.

 

[gemmachan]

Hi everyone,

Would like to hear everyone views on my relationship issue. I got to know this guy who is 10 years my senior in mid 40s and things have been going smoothly and we got together after going out for 5 dates. We do enjoy each other company when we go on dates etc and have similar interests and values.

Fast forward, however when we got together in a relationship and after hanging together for like 20 plus times over these 2 months plus, i find out that he can be a cold person as in when i am upset, stress or feeling emo, he can"t seem to see and provide me with comfort unless like what he told me i need to be direct and say " dear i am feeling down and need your attention now or i need a listening ear" and he will give me the attention. He mentioned not to make Him guess or he had any model answer to reply me in this situation." He says that i have expectations about him to be more sensitive new age guy which he is not. But problem is i dont expect him to be super caring or sweet talk to me but i thought care and concern is from the heart and mutual?? When i ask him if his partner is non caring can he take it? He say no if totally not caring. We are fine together is just this portion bothering us and he keep telling me not to make him guess and just be direct. Are all guys like that if i have to keep direct n say out my emo n thhoughts isn"t it like i begging for his concern??

On the whole we are ok and the disagreement is only on this portion for now..i tried having a gd talk with him but he say he is not gd at guessing feelings and all his ex partners also dont expect him to guess.. sometimes i am just tired on this.

Hi there, im in my mid 20s. my boyfriend is 9 years older than me. I do understand what you meant. Don't mind me sharing my thoughts. Firstly an older guy is more stable, he also tends to think More logically. He wouldn't like to waste time thinking about such feelings. Secondly, you're dating a guy, not a teenage boy. Don't expect him to sweet talk. There's better things in life than caring about those feelings. He would value tangible things over those intangible things. Gotta grow up yeah.

 

[Roxie88]

Hi, just thought I will share my 5 cents worth. In my encounter with guys, majority are 'thinking' and not 'feeling' kind.. (Refer to Myers Briggs personality profile) which means they are more attuned to and prefer to use logic rather than feelings. I guess it's still the beginning of your relationship with him and maybe it takes a while to find the middle ground and compromise on this issue? all the best?​

 

[soxc]

Hi everyone,

Would like to hear everyone views on my relationship issue. I got to know this guy who is 10 years my senior in mid 40s and things have been going smoothly and we got together after going out for 5 dates. We do enjoy each other company when we go on dates etc and have similar interests and values.

Fast forward, however when we got together in a relationship and after hanging together for like 20 plus times over these 2 months plus, i find out that he can be a cold person as in when i am upset, stress or feeling emo, he can"t seem to see and provide me with comfort unless like what he told me i need to be direct and say " dear i am feeling down and need your attention now or i need a listening ear" and he will give me the attention. He mentioned not to make Him guess or he had any model answer to reply me in this situation." He says that i have expectations about him to be more sensitive new age guy which he is not. But problem is i dont expect him to be super caring or sweet talk to me but i thought care and concern is from the heart and mutual?? When i ask him if his partner is non caring can he take it? He say no if totally not caring. We are fine together is just this portion bothering us and he keep telling me not to make him guess and just be direct. Are all guys like that if i have to keep direct n say out my emo n thhoughts isn"t it like i begging for his concern??

On the whole we are ok and the disagreement is only on this portion for now..i tried having a gd talk with him but he say he is not gd at guessing feelings and all his ex partners also dont expect him to guess.. sometimes i am just tired on this.

u mean he can't see it if you are acting differently cos you're feeling upset or, stressed?

 

[Samry Goh]

It depend whether a man is sensitive anot and for my case I'm married to going to 1 year and whether she is down sad or not feeling well, or feeling headacne or something bothering her I will know cos I can sense or when she is not talking and I will ask her why and make her speak out wad happen that is one of the way to make a relationship or marriage strong and gave mi a thumb up if I'm correct

 

[coldjade]

This means that your boyfriend is not as experienced as the play boys out there. So be happy.

I've dated a few men, and those who are super caring, super gentlemen, very meticulous and knows the details to make a girl happy right from the start all turns out to be jerks. Man takes time to get to know a girl and how to deal with it.

I'm now dating and getting married soon to a Char-Tao, or wood block. He's very stiff, shy and don't express feelings much, until recently. He usually can't tell that I'm upset, so I really do have to be direct and tell him. Oh and make sure you have a "solution" and tell him what you want because most of the time they don't know what you want or what they should do too.

Another point is that he is much older than you. My HTB is 9 years older (late 30s) too so I understand. Men their age no longer do puppy love. They are matured matured really matured men so don't expect them to "Aiyo~ Hao lah~ Don't cry lah sayang~". Must remember he is in his mid 40s already. Just imagine ah, if now it's not your boyfriend but some random guy in his 40s or 50s be all mushy and sweet..... mai lah. Haha! Expressing feelings is not the only difficulty to people like that. He might also not have as much reaction as others. For example when you take time and money to surprise him, don't expect him to go all dramatic and "WAHHH!! THANK YOU!!". And of course, don't get upset because of the lack of reaction. He is happy, just not as dramatic.

So now when I'm sad I say I'm sad and tell my HTB why, when I'm stressed and want to cry I just cry and explain why so he will let me cry and comfort me. Win-win, makes things easier for both sides. He can then "learn on the job".

Give him more time and don't put expectations too high. Men and women are really different. And your norm is not his norm. Like if you want to give someone a gift, and you think it's perfect, it is your will and assumption, it's not their obligation to love your gift, and certainly not good if you get upset and wonder why they don't like it. So we cannot expect others to think like us, because everyone is different.

Jia you! Give yourself time too!

 

[pinkfairy08]

Thanks all for your views is definitely helpful.

Want to hear all your views like for cny reunion do you invite the guys to join your family? And what happens if it falls on eve where both side having dinner? Do your partner not attend or stagger the timing to attend both? Want to hear the views on this.

 

[coldjade]

Thanks all for your views is definitely helpful.

Want to hear all your views like for cny reunion do you invite the guys to join your family? And what happens if it falls on eve where both side having dinner? Do your partner not attend or stagger the timing to attend both? Want to hear the views on this.

Usually is staggered. The tradition is that on CNY Eve, the kids should go back to your own Niang Jia, ie your own parents' house. But since SG so small, usually couple will stagger timing. One side eat lunch one side eat dinner.

 

[miloice]

CNY is impt for our families. This is both ways. So, normally staggered so that we can visit both sides

 

[xainn]

Maybe it's a common issue in relationships nowadays. I faced it too. But recently, the whole relationship blew beyond salvage..

Sometimes no matter how you explain and share perspectives, the other half just doesnt seem to get it.

 

[Moonriver999]

Maybe it's a common issue in relationships nowadays. I faced it too. But recently, the whole relationship blew beyond salvage..

Sometimes no matter how you explain and share perspectives, the other half just doesnt seem to get it.

Hmm what happen?

 

[pinkfairy08]

Understand is common to staggard but for his cny day 1 is always dinner at his family and new year eve is his fmaily dinner also as bigger group than my family. If my family have reunion dinner he will just go for his and i go for mine.. there is no compromise for his as is a norm all the while for his family side and even his sis husband join them too..

So my question is each one must compromise on timing etc but seem to me no compromise on this at hia end since his norm is kind of fixed. The only way is i change my family timing or cny dinner cant ask him to join me at all.

To him he will join his and if i need acc my parents he isperfextly fine i dont join his at all.. to him is no big deal can"t join then dont join. I find it but inflexible unless i give in to all the so called norm.

 

[Aj.tan]

My both sides also takes cny reunion dinner v seriously... husband and I agreed that we will alternate years, one year at mine, one year at his~

 

[Knightinblack]

For chinese, normally the husband’s reunion dinner is on actual day

Therefore the couples that I have seen
Will either have it one round earlier with the wife’s parents or one round earlier with the husbands side depending.

Like I’ve got a Friend whose Wife is a Malaysian so they would have a reunion dinner earlier with the husband family then go over to malaysia for the Wife side which will take up the cny actual day as well

If your Husband is not really flexible perhaps u can do a lunch and dinner

Lunch with your family and dinner at his and vice versa

 

[pinkfairy08]

I guess will need to give in to his timing since his side more fmaily members while mine smaller families, don"t know am i being sensitive but it seems when he show boredom when he is at my parent"s place as conpared to at his folk place. Of course i can undersstand he is more comfy with his own families but somehow from the occasions when he is with my family members he show signs that he is bored and do not enjoy his stay with my folks and can"t wait to leave my place

For me i don"t talk to him about this matter as he will be defensive and have his reasons. Anyone encounter this same situation as me?

 

[coldjade]

I guess will need to give in to his timing since his side more fmaily members while mine smaller families, don"t know am i being sensitive but it seems when he show boredom when he is at my parent"s place as conpared to at his folk place. Of course i can undersstand he is more comfy with his own families but somehow from the occasions when he is with my family members he show signs that he is bored and do not enjoy his stay with my folks and can"t wait to leave my place

For me i don"t talk to him about this matter as he will be defensive and have his reasons. Anyone encounter this same situation as me?

Not yet for me but I do feel bored at my Future-in-law place myself. Because I cannot be myself (I mean I can, but still must pretend a bit right) and can only sit there and maybe join their conversation at times. I don't even use my phone because it will seem rude, so lagi bored. Nothing can fight your original home lah yah, so don't blame him. Unless he becomes too over and rude about it.

 

[pinkfairy08]

Not yet for me but I do feel bored at my Future-in-law place myself. Because I cannot be myself (I mean I can, but still must pretend a bit right) and can only sit there and maybe join their conversation at times. I don't even use my phone because it will seem rude, so lagi bored. Nothing can fight your original home lah yah, so don't blame him. Unless he becomes too over and rude about it.

Agree on that, hence most times i just be friendly and talk lesser when with their family members..he is not rude but he show bit displeasure as in wanting to leave soon and the way he talk to his family members even nephews or nieces is different from how he talk to me he portray another side of himself very light hearted kind but when with me don"t talk or can"t be bother to hold a conversation with me. Sometimes i wonder what is the purpose of my presence infront of him lor.

 

[pinkfairy08]

Not yet for me but I do feel bored at my Future-in-law place myself. Because I cannot be myself (I mean I can, but still must pretend a bit right) and can only sit there and maybe join their conversation at times. I don't even use my phone because it will seem rude, so lagi bored. Nothing can fight your original home lah yah, so don't blame him. Unless he becomes too over and rude about it.

Just like today he came to my parents" house for lunch and about 2plus asking me is it time to go, when i thought his family is having dinner for cny day 1. When i commented can sit a while longer he was like bit sian and unhappy.. and when is time to leave he was so eager to go his dad"s place and even blured out by right suppose to be there at 2pm but hey is going there for dinner and afternoon can be with my family right... is these smll actions which i felt he seem to treat his family as his and my family as mine and not we together as one.. is like i felt as well i spent more time with my parents if he dont want join is up to him. This kind of traditions he simply dont care and when i just asked him about his views he can tell me if cant cny day one visit my parents can other days of cny and not first and second day. That means he dont even bother whether i cny day 1 and 2 get to visit my parents..

 

[coldjade]

Maybe you can talk to him about setting a fixed visiting schedule? Usually Day 1 is Husband side, Day 2 is wife's side.

I will face this problem next year too when I officially marry over. Now I still visit my in-laws only on Day 2 because I am still not married. But actually all my siblings (all married w kids) gather on Eve and Day 1 at my mom's place. I guess I cannot do the same because my In-Laws quite traditional. Boh bian, must sacrifice. Or like some people say, alternate years lor. Just need to fix a plan that both can agree on.

 

[pinkfairy08]

Maybe you can talk to him about setting a fixed visiting schedule? Usually Day 1 is Husband side, Day 2 is wife's side.

I will face this problem next year too when I officially marry over. Now I still visit my in-laws only on Day 2 because I am still not married. But actually all my siblings (all married w kids) gather on Eve and Day 1 at my mom's place. I guess I cannot do the same because my In-Laws quite traditional. Boh bian, must sacrifice. Or like some people say, alternate years lor. Just need to fix a plan that both can agree on.

Guess is his so called norm for his family as eve is their reunion dinner cny day one also dinner and cny day 2, his family need visit uncle in morning to lunch.. it seems the tradition is like that. But 2 of his sis husband no join as one divorce one not good terms and another sis"s husband more fleixible can join.. all is their own family joining of course all can make it..I want to come out with plan also cannot but most of time i need so called give in.i just dont get all they think is their families, other ppl also have own families etc.

 

[newproject]

For chinese, normally the husband’s reunion dinner is on actual day

Therefore the couples that I have seen
Will either have it one round earlier with the wife’s parents or one round earlier with the husbands side depending.

Like I’ve got a Friend whose Wife is a Malaysian so they would have a reunion dinner earlier with the husband family then go over to malaysia for the Wife side which will take up the cny actual day as well

If your Husband is not really flexible perhaps u can do a lunch and dinner

Lunch with your family and dinner at his and vice versa

yeah SG usually traditional is after woman married is kinda out of family to join husband family so officially Male side CNY reunion take precedence.

Today more modern so some dont follow this but I know a married friend who cannot go back for reunion dinner with her family no matter what even if timing is favourable.

cos very traditional.

 

[xinj]

erm I think you both need to discuss what are your methods of communication and love language. For example, have a frank discussion and tell him stuff like,
'on days I am feeling down, it would mean a lot to me if you could offer____'
VERBAL: either you appreciate words of comfort or encouragement/assurance, or
PHYSICAL: you appreciate a hug/holding hands, or
a sort of GIFT: 'let's go have some ice-cream nearby', etc etc. or my personal favourite is below:

ACTS of SERVICE: example, if you usually buy food on the way home every evening for both of you, tell him you would appreciate it that he be the one to help you make your day a little better/lighten the load on you, by being the one to help buy food back for both of you instead. Or running errands, etc. It can be very simple things. He could even offer 'ok you go home just relax, I will help you with laundry tonight'. This household chores thing is obviously supposed to be a shared responsibility, but if most of the time, you are the one doing chores but he is not, then this is the few times he can help LIGHTEN YOUR LOAD and make you feel a little less stressed. "I can help you do laundry tonight/I can help supervise the kids with homework, you go take a warm shower and relax with some hot tea."
People, please don't underestimate what ACTS OF SERVICE can mean to your partner, and vice versa. It is all about 'what can you do to make his/her day a little less difficult to bear?/can you help in anyway to make them feel a little more happier after they had a hard day?'

What do you expect from him, and same for him, if he is feeling down, what does he expect from you?

 

[SlimYoga]

Thanks all for your views is definitely helpful.

Want to hear all your views like for cny reunion do you invite the guys to join your family? And what happens if it falls on eve where both side having dinner? Do your partner not attend or stagger the timing to attend both? Want to hear the views on this.

I think you just need to find a balance for this issue and most importantly, try to be more understanding on the issue. Maybe can have separate reunion dinners?

 

[miloice]

yeah SG usually traditional is after woman married is kinda out of family to join husband family so officially Male side CNY reunion take precedence.

Today more modern so some dont follow this but I know a married friend who cannot go back for reunion dinner with her family no matter what even if timing is favourable.

cos very traditional.

Talk to every parent, they will tell u, sons after marriage, stick to wives and inlaws. Daughter will bring home the son in law. So, for once a year, give in a bit. Give and take

 

[newproject]

Talk to every parent, they will tell u, sons after marriage, stick to wives and inlaws. Daughter will bring home the son in law. So, for once a year, give in a bit. Give and take

lol. These guys are a disgrace. You mean even reunion dinner they go to wives parent house as priority?

This whole "happy wife, happy life" nonsense really go too far. Weak guys all.

 

[maritalbliss]

I'm now dating and getting married soon to a Char-Tao, or wood block. He's very stiff, shy and don't express feelings much, until recently.

Would you prefer him to be flaccid all the time?

 

[maritalbliss]

Usually is staggered. The tradition is that on CNY Eve, the kids should go back to your own Niang Jia, ie your own parents' house. But since SG so small, usually couple will stagger timing. One side eat lunch one side eat dinner.

Same practice over at my end.

Works well.

 

[pinkfairy08]

Normally i will try to compromise as my family smaller.

But need your guys opinions. Is it true once a lady married off must stay near the partner"s parents house or in future if the guy"s parents need help can stay at the son place versus for ladies since married off have to accept the fact can"t be close to parents?

Was having discussion with him on this and we have conflicts on this as i think is better to stay near or engage helper or see how in future rather than he told me he is only son (he had 3 sisters) and is son responsibility to take care parents whereas ladies is married off.

I get so worked up hearing this as now is 21st century still have this kind of thing

As good as telling my mum, i am your daughter i have to slant more to my partner side.

How to deal with situation like this and how to have a good talk on this issue? Views needed.

 

[pinkfairy08]

I thought both side parents are important and see how to balance. Me being the only child in my family to take care of my mum and dad is not easy and here he has 3 sisters and yet he told me once a lady married off the gal"s mum should know that is a fact and can"t be close.l and need get used. I felt so disappointed in such things said. And moreover he worked near north and grew up in north and more or leas expected to stay not too far off if not he not balanced travel so far to work but he never thought what about me.
For that i can compromise a bit but saying abt a lady married off is just too much.

 

[newproject]

I thought both side parents are important and see how to balance. Me being the only child in my family to take care of my mum and dad is not easy and here he has 3 sisters and yet he told me once a lady married off the gal"s mum should know that is a fact and can"t be close.l and need get used. I felt so disappointed in such things said. And moreover he worked near north and grew up in north and more or leas expected to stay not too far off if not he not balanced travel so far to work but he never thought what about me.
For that i can compromise a bit but saying abt a lady married off is just too much.

I hope you guys are not married yet. There are signs you guys are very incompatible.

You can rant on this forum and the people here can agree with you as much as you want but fundamentally there is no right or wrong.

I know of girls who really believe on the "married off" thing and will never go to reunion dinner even if time permits and/or will agree to living near to in laws.

And on flip side guys who are opposite , reunion dinner only at in laws and stay near his in laws.

Given that he is in 40s, he might be more old fashioned. If you both can't agree, sorry to say just not compatible.

please don't compromise just because you think it is time to get married. based on your past posts I dont think it is going to end well

 

[ing1]

You mentioned in 1 of your earlier posts that you guys have similar values (which is why you guys get together) What kind of values are you referring to? And are these values important or fundamental to you? From your posts, it seems to me that your family value is quite different from his.

It is the responsibility of the children to take care of parents, no matter if you are the Son or Daughter. So what? His sisters are not going to help take care of his parents if the parents are not well (*touch wood*)? What about your parents? You are the only daughter, is he not going to help you to take care because you are married off, thus not close/cannot be close anymore?

Have you tried talking to him re your concerns? A relationship needs compromise but not always and only from 1 party. Marriage needs give and take from both parties and both extended families. If you are not married yet and you are already feeling emotionally unbalance, it may be the time to relook into your relationship and see what is wrong before you make plans for the future.

To me, reunion dinners, staying near parents are just the triggers. There will be more of such if you do not solve the real fundamental issue which is bothering you both.

Just my tots after reading your post.

By the way, i am just curious, what’s his occupation? Dun have to answer me if you feel uncomfortable disclosing.

 

[coldjade]

I am moving to my in-laws' but I told my HTB that for now, at least a year, we will stay at my parents' in the weekdays, then spend 2 days during weekends at the in-laws'. So that both sides can get use to it. My HTB compromised and agreed. And he understands because my mom is alone while his house has got both his parents, his brother's family of 4, super crowded.

I think you and your boyfriend needs to sit down, talk and plan. Tell him you both need to work things out. Some men like to say "Aiya see first lah~" don't allow that. Because see first will become follow his idea. It doesn't solve anything.

If he can't even sit down and plan both your future, then I don't think marrying him is a good idea.

 

[pinkfairy08]

I am moving to my in-laws' but I told my HTB that for now, at least a year, we will stay at my parents' in the weekdays, then spend 2 days during weekends at the in-laws'. So that both sides can get use to it. My HTB compromised and agreed. And he understands because my mom is alone while his house has got both his parents, his brother's family of 4, super crowded.

I think you and your boyfriend needs to sit down, talk and plan. Tell him you both need to work things out. Some men like to say "Aiya see first lah~" don't allow that. Because see first will become follow his idea. It doesn't solve anything.

If he can't even sit down and plan both your future, then I don't think marrying him is a good idea.

 

[pinkfairy08]

Yup i will need sit down and discuss on this with him. The point on staying over at parents place example during weekday is what i have brought up before but that was example me staying over mum place to accompany her after work etc and he mentioned he was perfectly fine with it but he did not say about both staying together but given he is a very independent man who dont need partner always by his side whether the wife always out stay over is not a main problem with him

 

[newproject]

sad

Yup i will need sit down and discuss on this with him. The point on staying over at parents place example during weekday is what i have brought up before but that was example me staying over mum place to accompany her after work etc and he mentioned he was perfectly fine with it but he did not say about both staying together but given he is a very independent man who dont need partner always by his side whether the wife always out stay over is not a main problem with him

 

[pinkfairy08]

Yup i will need sit down and discuss on this with him. The point on staying over at parents place example during weekday is what i have brought up before but that was example me staying over mum place to accompany her after work etc and he mentioned he was perfectly fine with it but he did not say about both staying together but given he is a very independent man who dont need partner always by his side whether the wife always out stay over is not a main problem with him

sad

ya even when i discussed about cny day compromise like which day spent at which side place he would say i get worked up cos i dont see he treat my family as his. Most of time is about his family and his dad..If he had suggested options etc we wont even quarrel.Is cos he get worked up and i kept feel he not care about my parents that i get pisses off on important events.

sad

Ya it seems he don"t need a wife more a companion..

 

[pinkfairy08]

ya even when i discussed about cny day compromise like which day spent at which side place he would say i get worked up cos i dont see he treat my family as his. Most of time is about his family and his dad..If he had suggested options etc we wont even quarrel.Is cos he get worked up and i kept feel he not care about my parents that i get pisses off on important events.


Ya it seems he don"t need a wife more a companion..

Even attempts to talk to him about this cny thing he argue with me despite me stating examples how to compromise both sides

 

[newproject]

to be honest initially I thought he is typical block head guys and to be honest I read all your past posts you arent exactly a low maintenance kinda gal.

But I'm getting a vibe he is not that committed. Mid 40s met a girl not too bad, ok loh get married.

Does he ever , how to say get "anxious" about you?

 

[newproject]

Understand is common to staggard but for his cny day 1 is always dinner at his family and new year eve is his fmaily dinner also as bigger group than my family. If my family have reunion dinner he will just go for his and i go for mine.. there is no compromise for his as is a norm all the while for his family side and even his sis husband join them too..

So my question is each one must compromise on timing etc but seem to me no compromise on this at hia end since his norm is kind of fixed. The only way is i change my family timing or cny dinner cant ask him to join me at all.

To him he will join his and if i need acc my parents he isperfextly fine i dont join his at all.. to him is no big deal can"t join then dont join. I find it but inflexible unless i give in to all the so called norm.

hold on you married yet? if not no need go each others

 

[pinkfairy08]

hold on you married yet? if not no need go each others

Ya i know, he is not block head btw and he get easily worked up over things. And when he can"t control his temper he can scold 4 letters words.

 

[newproject]

so you married already?

Ya i know, he is not block head btw and he get easily worked up over things. And when he can"t control his temper he can scold 4 letters words.

 

[maritalbliss]

I am moving to my in-laws' but I told my HTB that for now, at least a year, we will stay at my parents' in the weekdays, then spend 2 days during weekends at the in-laws'. So that both sides can get use to it. My HTB compromised and agreed. And he understands because my mom is alone while his house has got both his parents, his brother's family of 4, super crowded.

I think you and your boyfriend needs to sit down, talk and plan. Tell him you both need to work things out. Some men like to say "Aiya see first lah~" don't allow that. Because see first will become follow his idea. It doesn't solve anything.

If he can't even sit down and plan both your future, then I don't think marrying him is a good idea.

My missus-to-be once contemplated this arrangement - of toggling between two dwellings. But we decided to can it - as it is a tad too inconvenient and disruptive, ... even thou she had her own place, and is more than happy to even have my folks over for stays every now and then (got spare guest room).

I guess, .. deep down inside, .. we do want a 'permanent' roof. It's not like a short getaway / holiday.

Long story short, she sold off her cosy pad ... bought a small house .. and all of us (4 pax + 1 helper in time to come) shall be moving in soon. We did viewed a no. of those 1,300 - 1,800 sf. condo, ... even duplex ones. Last one we viewed was at Verdure. But eventually reckoned that a landed will give everyone 'their own space'. Mini garden, pond, car porch, back yard, wet kitchen, etc.

She's aware that moi being an only child, entails a deeper sense of responsibility compared to those w siblings - assuming everyone is filial lah.

And I'm immensely appreciative of her thoughtfulness.

 

[pinkfairy08]

That is nice..

Any ladies keen to chat as I need a listening ears

 

[maritalbliss]

hold on you married yet? if not no need go each others

Hmm ... for all my relationships, ... I've always been invited to, and I do attend, such reunion dinners.

 

[ing1]

Ya i know, he is not block head btw and he get easily worked up over things. And when he can"t control his temper he can scold 4 letters words.

Besides differences in family values, worked up easily over things, scolding 4 letter words, what are the things you like about him? do those things matter enough to you to make you overlook/ignore these differences?

If you are not married yet, then be mentally prepared that this is what you will be going through every day, every cny, every important event for the rest of your life with him. You will have to keep giving in to him. Is this what you want? Is this what you want for your kids?

If you are already married to him, then live with it. You have already made your choice with open eyes. In my opinion, family values difficult/near impossible to change. You just have to make the best out of it. i.e. since he is ok for you to sleep over at your parents place, so just do it. Maybe he may miss your company and start realising your importance to him. You know him better.

again, just my tots.