Opinions needed

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by pinkfairy08, Oct 22, 2016.

  1. pinkfairy08

    pinkfairy08 Member

    Hi everyone,

    Would like to hear everyone views on my relationship issue. I got to know this guy who is 10 years my senior in mid 40s and things have been going smoothly and we got together after going out for 5 dates. We do enjoy each other company when we go on dates etc and have similar interests and values.

    Fast forward, however when we got together in a relationship and after hanging together for like 20 plus times over these 2 months plus, i find out that he can be a cold person as in when i am upset, stress or feeling emo, he can"t seem to see and provide me with comfort unless like what he told me i need to be direct and say " dear i am feeling down and need your attention now or i need a listening ear" and he will give me the attention. He mentioned not to make Him guess or he had any model answer to reply me in this situation." He says that i have expectations about him to be more sensitive new age guy which he is not. But problem is i dont expect him to be super caring or sweet talk to me but i thought care and concern is from the heart and mutual?? When i ask him if his partner is non caring can he take it? He say no if totally not caring. We are fine together is just this portion bothering us and he keep telling me not to make him guess and just be direct. Are all guys like that if i have to keep direct n say out my emo n thhoughts isn"t it like i begging for his concern??

    On the whole we are ok and the disagreement is only on this portion for now..i tried having a gd talk with him but he say he is not gd at guessing feelings and all his ex partners also dont expect him to guess.. sometimes i am just tired on this.

  2. littlepinkpointes

    littlepinkpointes Active Member

    Hi Pinkfairy,
    I think guys are generally like that (?)
    They don't really like to make guesses and only a few are the observant kind who will probe when they sense that you might be feeling down.

    My mister told me a couple of times that guys prefer to be (or mostly) direct or straightforward. He told me before, (although he's always checking if I'm ok if I'm quiet or what not) that I can just tell him how I feel. Of course in reality, we girls tend to like to either keep quiet or show it all on our faces (haha).

    Maybe your guy is more of a 'communicator'? I guess the longer and more time you guys spend together, you both might understand how each other handles such issues?

    Are you the kind who will expect the guy to observe and probe you to share? Or the kind who prefer to be 'alone' for a while and only share when ready?

    blissfulsimplistic likes this.
  3. pinkfairy08

    pinkfairy08 Member

    Maybe we are still at the stage of understanding better..but maybe in a way sometimes i dont like to express myself more but in my heart prefer the guy take bit of hint and comfort me without me saying out..at times wana be alone but still want concern. N he cld just leave me alone. Maybe i shld really expree my thoughts out or keep quiet if prefer alone
  4. JuzDream

    JuzDream Member

    I used to feel depress on why my boyfriend is not caring towards me at all.

    Upon communicating with my friends, they told me to tell him i am emo and how he can make me feel better like hug me or buying me to eat good food.

    They rather make you happy as per your instruction coz it is not their nature to care for someone unlike girls.
  5. clem

    clem Member

    Guys are "problem solver", who prefer you to tell them directly what is in your mind, so that they can help you to analyse and find a solution. They don't like to "guess" because the guesses might be wrong (and hence frustrating), and the process is tiring.

    From guys' point of view, if we are in relationship, why do you need me to guess ("understand" in girls' word)? Why can't you just tell me what happen?

    When guys don't guess or fail to sense your emo, that doesn't mean they don't love or care about you, not at all.
    blissfulsimplistic likes this.
  6. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    is this your first serious relationship? or probably pampered by all previous bf. Build on the communication, influence each other, with understanding, he could better empathize and appreciate what's impt for you. He is not you and you guys are still very early in the relationship. Naturally, you do not understand each other enough yet. Every person is different. Take time to share and grow together.
  7. gemmachan

    gemmachan New Member

    Hi there, im in my mid 20s. my boyfriend is 9 years older than me. I do understand what you meant. Don't mind me sharing my thoughts. Firstly an older guy is more stable, he also tends to think More logically. He wouldn't like to waste time thinking about such feelings. Secondly, you're dating a guy, not a teenage boy. Don't expect him to sweet talk. There's better things in life than caring about those feelings. He would value tangible things over those intangible things. Gotta grow up yeah.
  8. Roxie88

    Roxie88 Member

    Hi, just thought I will share my 5 cents worth. In my encounter with guys, majority are 'thinking' and not 'feeling' kind.. (Refer to Myers Briggs personality profile) which means they are more attuned to and prefer to use logic rather than feelings. I guess it's still the beginning of your relationship with him and maybe it takes a while to find the middle ground and compromise on this issue? :) all the best? ​
  9. soxc

    soxc New Member

    u mean he can't see it if you are acting differently cos you're feeling upset or, stressed?
  10. Samry Goh

    Samry Goh New Member

    It depend whether a man is sensitive anot and for my case I'm married to going to 1 year and whether she is down sad or not feeling well, or feeling headacne or something bothering her I will know cos I can sense or when she is not talking and I will ask her why and make her speak out wad happen that is one of the way to make a relationship or marriage strong and gave mi a thumb up if I'm correct
  11. coldjade

    coldjade Member

    This means that your boyfriend is not as experienced as the play boys out there. So be happy.

    I've dated a few men, and those who are super caring, super gentlemen, very meticulous and knows the details to make a girl happy right from the start all turns out to be jerks. Man takes time to get to know a girl and how to deal with it.

    I'm now dating and getting married soon to a Char-Tao, or wood block. He's very stiff, shy and don't express feelings much, until recently. He usually can't tell that I'm upset, so I really do have to be direct and tell him. Oh and make sure you have a "solution" and tell him what you want because most of the time they don't know what you want or what they should do too.

    Another point is that he is much older than you. My HTB is 9 years older (late 30s) too so I understand. Men their age no longer do puppy love. They are matured matured really matured men so don't expect them to "Aiyo~ Hao lah~ Don't cry lah sayang~". Must remember he is in his mid 40s already. Just imagine ah, if now it's not your boyfriend but some random guy in his 40s or 50s be all mushy and sweet..... mai lah. Haha! Expressing feelings is not the only difficulty to people like that. He might also not have as much reaction as others. For example when you take time and money to surprise him, don't expect him to go all dramatic and "WAHHH!! THANK YOU!!". And of course, don't get upset because of the lack of reaction. He is happy, just not as dramatic.

    So now when I'm sad I say I'm sad and tell my HTB why, when I'm stressed and want to cry I just cry and explain why so he will let me cry and comfort me. Win-win, makes things easier for both sides. He can then "learn on the job".

    Give him more time and don't put expectations too high. Men and women are really different. And your norm is not his norm. Like if you want to give someone a gift, and you think it's perfect, it is your will and assumption, it's not their obligation to love your gift, and certainly not good if you get upset and wonder why they don't like it. So we cannot expect others to think like us, because everyone is different.

    Jia you! Give yourself time too!
  12. pinkfairy08

    pinkfairy08 Member

    Thanks all for your views is definitely helpful.

    Want to hear all your views like for cny reunion do you invite the guys to join your family? And what happens if it falls on eve where both side having dinner? Do your partner not attend or stagger the timing to attend both? Want to hear the views on this.
  13. coldjade

    coldjade Member

    Usually is staggered. The tradition is that on CNY Eve, the kids should go back to your own Niang Jia, ie your own parents' house. But since SG so small, usually couple will stagger timing. One side eat lunch one side eat dinner.

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