Lost... What is love?

[lostmypurpose]

Honestly, that was before we were married. She had some temper issues, but most of the time she was ok. There was a time when i felt so confident that as long as we are in love, i can overcome everything.

But things got worse, but i still went into the marriage, perhaps because of years spent together, perhaps because i was of marriageable age, perhaps i was hopeful things will change for the better after the marriage. Which is why now i give advice to people never to go into marriage expecting the other person will change for the better. It never will.

Actually i did change, for the better, for the sake of this marriage. But still problems exist. Disagreement exist. There is simply no way not to quarrel, unless i do not attach importance to the topics we are quarreling on. Thats when some bros will start keeping quiet and not "talk back" because it goes nowhere.

From what i've gathered so far, the best answer is: be sure she is the one right from the start. If there is any unhappiness or points where you didnt like her, thats enough reason not to consider marriage.

 

[lostmypurpose]

Actually for most of you, is the decision tree for most unhappy people in marriages, the following:
a) try to work hard on the marriage
b) do not stray, see (a) again.
c) if still doesnt work, go for a divorce before considering a new relationship

Sounds clear cut enough but actually quite hard.

 

[newproject]

Honestly, that was before we were married. She had some temper issues, but most of the time she was ok. There was a time when i felt so confident that as long as we are in love, i can overcome everything.

But things got worse, but i still went into the marriage, perhaps because of years spent together, perhaps because i was of marriageable age, perhaps i was hopeful things will change for the better after the marriage. Which is why now i give advice to people never to go into marriage expecting the other person will change for the better. It never will.

Actually i did change, for the better, for the sake of this marriage. But still problems exist. Disagreement exist. There is simply no way not to quarrel, unless i do not attach importance to the topics we are quarreling on. Thats when some bros will start keeping quiet and not "talk back" because it goes nowhere.

From what i've gathered so far, the best answer is: be sure she is the one right from the start. If there is any unhappiness or points where you didnt like her, thats enough reason not to consider marriage.

You basically started on a weak foundation. Didnt work on it and now its all coming out.

Does you wife even know you are thinking of having an affair and was just this close to doing it ?

Sadly what u describe is normal in Singapore. To avoid çonflict you keep quiet and let germs fester. That's why you see couples suddenly divorce in their 50s.

If you really want to do something as opposed to feeling good posting on this forum sympathizing with wives in your wife position take action.

Take your own advice, write to her. Or give her this thread to read.

You need to man up . Face the explosion. I will tell you more about my rs with my wife later

 

[newproject]

You basically started on a weak foundation. Didnt work on it and now its all coming out.

Does you wife even know you are thinking of having an affair and was just this close to doing it ?

Sadly what u describe is normal in Singapore. To avoid çonflict you keep quiet and let germs fester. That's why you see couples suddenly divorce in their 50s.

If you really want to do something as opposed to feeling good posting on this forum sympathizing with wives in your wife position take action.

Take your own advice, write to her. Or give her this thread to read.

You need to man up . Face the explosion. I will tell you more about my rs with my wife later

I may give the impression my rs is perfect. But it isn't.

We do a marriage relationship audit every year and you will be surprised what comes up.

We argue and cry , hash it all out. Things i not happy, things she is not. Even small things.

Honestly given our compatibility you would think this isnt necessary, but im not going to be complacent on the most important relationship in my life.

 

[lostmypurpose]

Thanks, you can actually give quite good advice, if you cut down on the bashing. Honestly ppl in troubled relationship seldom have a clear mind. I'm here, hoping to seek that clear view and direction. Providing advice is probably a way of talking to myself. I'm not going to give 1 advice here and do something opposite the next minute.

 

[arsenal_84]

You basically started on a weak foundation. Didnt work on it and now its all coming out.

Does you wife even know you are thinking of having an affair and was just this close to doing it ?

Sadly what u describe is normal in Singapore. To avoid çonflict you keep quiet and let germs fester. That's why you see couples suddenly divorce in their 50s.

yup, seems like a classic case of getting married too early.

for those who divorced in their 50s, normally is just years of marriage frustration building up to a bubble before it burst especially when the kids are all grown up.
if there are any form of incompatibility on the EQ aspect, it should be ironed out early in the rs prior to marriage else there is no harm cutting loss while one is still young.
even my own parents has such issues so even i feel like asking they why are they even married in the first place...

 

[newproject]

Thanks, you can actually give quite good advice, if you cut down on the bashing.

Mostly wasted i fear. Will you do anything? Or is "too hard" easier to post a lot here and give advice to other people?

Honestly ppl in troubled relationship seldom have a clear mind. I'm here, hoping to seek that clear view and direction. Providing advice is probably a way of talking to myself. I'm not going to give 1 advice here and do something opposite the next minute.

I really LOL at this. But as you say you don't have a clear mind so no doubt you might even believe that last sentence.

 

[lostmypurpose]

Hi New Project,

Honestly, adultery is wrong. Emotionally cheating is wrong. There is nothing difficult to understand. If you want a new relationship, divorce the current wife first then start a new one. These advices are darn clear. But whether it can be followed as easily is often the problem.

Hope you can continue to offer advices to people here, but not through bashing because it doesn't bring the point across. I'm pretty sure you have some friends who smoke and surely next time they have lung cancer you won't be bashing them by saying they deserve it, what's more they are perfectly sane when they choose to smoke. People do wrong things, but doesn't mean they are bad people. A smoker could be advising someone else not to smoke and of all the harms it bring, but this advice is no more worthless than coming from a non-smoker. He's just hooked on it and can't change, that's all.

 

[ginkola]

Now the posts here make me worrry and scared of marriage life esp when children comes :/

 

[lostmypurpose]

Kids require attention and resources, and really can be both joy and frustrations/worries. So I won't say it's a bed of roses...

 

[arsenal_84]

Now the posts here make me worrry and scared of marriage life esp when children comes :/

actually just try to obey a simple basic rule, never take your partner for granted.
always try to show some amount of appreciation whether in big or small ways.
good habits will go a long way in maintaining a rs.

 

[meiji5]

Hello. I've been on a hiatus and somehow this post seems to attract my attention. Haha.

To lostmypurpose, is there any chance that you could shower affection on your wife? (Sorry if I missed previous posts, I just read your first post and came straight to the end). Spend some time with each other to try to get back the feelings you both used to have. I know it's hard, but try or put in effort first before you decide that getting emotionally satisfied with another woman is what you need in order to treat your wife better. (Having type that out makes me realise that you are more in tune with what you want and expect for yourself and not so much for your wife. Do correct me if I'm wrong.)

Frankly, marriage is a whole new level and a never-ending phase of getting along with each other. I've remarried and had a child with my hubby. Things are so different from when you're single to dating to getting married just like what infernolord mentioned. I empathize with him as I'm in charge of everything at home including finances (carry the weight of expenditures) to housework and caring for my 7 month old. Feeling unappreciated is really an understatement, sometimes I feel like I'm a single mom but I always try to refocus on what's important. Once you know what's important and set your heart on it, things will slowly fall into place. No doubt everything is still routine but for it not to be so depends on you and what you can do to help improve the situation and not letting others get involved.

 

[lostmypurpose]

Hello. I've been on a hiatus and somehow this post seems to attract my attention. Haha.

To lostmypurpose, is there any chance that you could shower affection on your wife? (Sorry if I missed previous posts, I just read your first post and came straight to the end). Spend some time with each other to try to get back the feelings you both used to have. I know it's hard, but try or put in effort first before you decide that getting emotionally satisfied with another woman is what you need in order to treat your wife better. (Having type that out makes me realise that you are more in tune with what you want and expect for yourself and not so much for your wife. Do correct me if I'm wrong.)

Frankly, marriage is a whole new level and a never-ending phase of getting along with each other. I've remarried and had a child with my hubby. Things are so different from when you're single to dating to getting married just like what infernolord mentioned. I empathize with him as I'm in charge of everything at home including finances (carry the weight of expenditures) to housework and caring for my 7 month old. Feeling unappreciated is really an understatement, sometimes I feel like I'm a single mom but I always try to refocus on what's important. Once you know what's important and set your heart on it, things will slowly fall into place. No doubt everything is still routine but for it not to be so depends on you and what you can do to help improve the situation and not letting others get involved.

Thanks. Feeling unappreciated but yet you can refocus on what's important. Is that just because you feel its important to stay as a family, or is it because he actually still treat you quite well?

 

[meiji5]

Thanks. Feeling unappreciated but yet you can refocus on what's important. Is that just because you feel its important to stay as a family, or is it because he actually still treat you quite well?

My focus is more importantly on family as we both shared and agreed that we wanted to build a family together, and yes, he still does treat me well. He just needs to let go of his ego and pride and wanting to always be right sometimes.

You might think I'm staying to be a family for my son but it's not that at all. I am prepared to be a single parent if it comes to that but I honestly don't see that at all unless I become widowed (knock wood).

 

[lostmypurpose]

It's good to hear that your marriage is still fine. I guess we just have to be cognisant that marriage is not just sweetness and there are commitments to fulfill and that's going to be routine (though that's probably what most of us have in mind when we decided to get married).

Will bear that in mind, and maybe once the expectations are right I will be happier

 

[Infernolord]

It's good to hear that your marriage is still fine. I guess we just have to be cognisant that marriage is not just sweetness and there are commitments to fulfill and that's going to be routine (though that's probably what most of us have in mind when we decided to get married).

Will bear that in mind, and maybe once the expectations are right I will be happier

This is my personally experiences... haha
Expectation is never right. If your wife is the "dream" ger u imagine. Chances are you will give in and give her all that she wants, in order to maintain her "expectations"
This is not balance. In the long run, u will not meet her expectation and drop out.

Once in my guy friends' chat. One qouted, if 60-70% of the expectation is met, you can marry that lady.
I think same goes for the ladies. I doubt we are "perfect guy" they long for. LOL
Age and time play a big part as well too.

So what are the chances that both hubby and wife meets each other expectations... dream guy/ger? I think this statistc is very very low.
People in general like to compare. With social media, instagram facebook.. people like to post "glam, lomantic, high life" photo. Unrealistic expectations tend to grows..

Rather having expectation.. i think is be contented also make you happier..

 

[lostmypurpose]

More importantly don't marry a 70% girl and expect scores to improve. Chances are that will only stay at that level or even deteriorate when the commitments and increased expectations come in

 

[newproject]

This is my personally experiences... haha
Expectation is never right. If your wife is the "dream" ger u imagine. Chances are you will give in and give her all that she wants, in order to maintain her "expectations"
This is not balance. In the long run, u will not meet her expectation and drop out.

What is my dream girl is someone who will give in to me? So we fight to give in to each other?

Once in my guy friends' chat. One qouted, if 60-70% of the expectation is met, you can marry that lady.

This is not good advice. That's like a C or High B. You never only to last like that. Trust me.

Rather set your expectations right so your wife can meet 80%+

I think same goes for ladies. I doubt we are "perfect guy" they long for. LOL
Age and time play a big part as well too.

I think there should be balance. You shouldn't have insane standards. But your post reads like someone who decided to "settle" because he thinks he is getting old.

A bit sad.

 

[miloice]

Now the posts here make me worrry and scared of marriage life esp when children comes :/

My 2 cents, if you get worried from reading online posts, then you are not in a relationship that is in the phase that is ready for marriage. We can read about all kinds of things to pick up mistakes of others, but when we look at our own relationship, it should be unique. With reasons why we still believe in it. When even all other marriages fail, we believe ours will survive. Otherwise, why bother. Don't let negativity get to you.

 

[miloice]

More importantly don't marry a 70% girl and expect scores to improve. Chances are that will only stay at that level or even deteriorate when the commitments and increased expectations come in

The way I see, the woman I marry, is one that I never want to be without. If I cannot see that, then the reason to marry is very questionable. Is it for the folks, society and being answerable to your gf after years of dating or is it shortgun? Then, you are just going through the motion. Don't do it. You live only once. You need to be in control of your wants and needs. Else, we will always be a victim of the situation when its a situation that we choose and allowed ourselves to be in.

 

[newproject]

The way I see, the woman I marry, is one that I never want to be without. If I cannot see that, then the reason to marry is very questionable.

This a million times! I really super concerned people saying marry someone meet 60% of expectations... Is like anyhow settle..

 

[miloice]

Hi

I believe that relationship is a cycle.

Courtship, marriage, family and so on

Many times after marriage, couple start their complaints about life and why so, it is cause of the commitment. Couple took for granted and treat each other as family and taking care of the needs for their kids. Priorities given to children instead of spouse. What more if you have elderly at home! More duties.

You want to build a relationship with your female colleague because you don’t find stress or committed with her yet. Which is normal in all new relationship.

Have you ever wonder what’s your feeling if your Wife is the one asking to build a relationship with another man? Do you feel betrayed?

What you cannot accept, you should not do it to others too!

Maybe you can take up a new interest or hobby instead.

FYI I’m also married for 17 yrs!

Well said.
Also, it takes effort to rekindle the emotions and appreciate each other. Think when is the last time you missed your spouse and wish to meet her? Don't wait, msg her, tell her u miss her. Go down and have lunch together. Take days off from work without the kids. I'm married since 2004. Its not as exciting but we take time to pamper each other, to refresh our emotions.

We should continue to date our spouse, our own parents as well. They all need love and we receive the love in return. We are emotional being and the need to connect and bond, to appreciate and receive love.

 

[Infernolord]

What is my dream girl is someone who will give in to me? So we fight to give in to each other?



This is not good advice. That's like a C or High B. You never only to last like that. Trust me.

Rather set your expectations right so your wife can meet 80%+



I think there should be balance. You shouldn't have insane standards. But your post reads like someone who decided to "settle" because he thinks he is getting old.

A bit sad.

Exactly... that is why i said importantly is contentment. There is no perfert ten. perfect 6/7 is good, the rest is all up to you. (you must be able to accept the flaws and think positive)
Again i dont believe one can find their dream perfect partner and get marry. haha

I used to chase after perfect 10, chase till my feet sore and bleed.. then i slow down and walk at a slower paces, 6/7 is good enuf, because ultimately what we want is to walk with someone together till the end..

haha good for you bro, u manage to find dream partner and she give in to you.. (Super rare but you prove otherwise)