Lost... What is love?

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by lostmypurpose, Jul 30, 2018.

  1. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Hi all, maybe this is just a rant, but at many times I just feel very lost. Married over ten years with 2 kids. During the marriage years I had countless quarrels, though mostly because she couldn't stand my mum, whom I have a very strong relationship with. The feeling of stuck between the 2 of them made me feel suffocated.

    We got pass that stage, ironically because they had a big fight and was beyond salvation. But at least my life was easier as long as I'm with just one of them at any one time.

    With the kids going into primary education we then had lots of quarrels too, over the discipline of children, their studies, we disagree over vast many issues.

    Divorce was brought up many times during the years but we've always pulled back, perhaps for the children, perhaps to give this marriage a chance.

    Now, my life revolves around waking up early, sending kids to school, go work, try rush home to guide them in schoolwork, rushing then to go to bed. Life has become a monotony, and it didn't help that my work can get intensive and stressful at times and children aren't on the best terms with her.

    This has gone on for many years, and recently I felt a void. Yes, this is because I'm working out the commitments of a marriage, but it doesn't make me feel better. I tried to recall those living times with her, but realities of life doesn't help me be positive in that aspect.

    Recently I got to know a married lady colleague who is quite nice and warm. I suddenly had a thought: maybe we could be very close friends, like in a courtship, but may down rules that we shall not have physical contact, and that we will never be together in a marriage.

    All this, only to relive the sweet, living monthsm and make me feel like I'm living again. I also hope in this way I will feel more positive about life and treat my wife better.

    Keen to hear views, though I know most would say one thing will lead to another, this is naive thinking etc.. perhaps any suggestion, esp from Bros who are in sweet loving marriages, who help too...

    Thanks in advance..

  2. ginkola

    ginkola New Member

    Hi, I felt your predicament. Not sure if I got it right but it feels like the problem lies with your Mother. I just attended a marriage course and where makes me feel deeply was that our spouse should seek predominance over our parents. Truth being, in most marriages, parents carry one of the heavier burdens (in terms of diff in communication, handling skills etc) in a marriage. It can be worked out. Perhaps you could try to talk to your mum and seek her understanding. After all she wouldn't wanna see your marriage fail cause of her. All the best
  3. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Well, I agree my mum isn't the easiest person to get along with. Despite talking to her over the years to ask her to open up and not think that most people are bad or daughter in law is no good etc, she is still of the old fashioned way of thinking that as a younger generation she should be given respect no matter she's right or wrong. Anyway, as I mentioned above the episode had blown past and I'm ok with things now.

    The question is more on the marriage, and how I view it. Did we really foresaw a life of slogging at work and returning home to chores and kids, and endless worries of finances, children, etc? Just felt my life becoming a tiring routine. Was hoping to hear from people in a sweet and loving marriage, esp those say over 10 years, how to do it or what made them so happy in their marriages?

    There is temptation to look outside for love (and for me, it's really love and being loved, not on sex), but then again, worried how would that turn out?

    Overall just felt like life is a tiring drag... Not sure if finding a lady for emotional support ou dependence will help.
  4. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Maybe to be succinct, everyday there's nothing to look forward to.. it's just the same routine week after week. Not sure how to get an aim or rekindle zest in life? Loving someone sounds like a plan but seemingly not the right thing. Just feeling lost and hoping time just pass quickly, kids grow up, etc..
  5. buddhabar

    buddhabar Active Member

    i think this is normal. you sounds normal too.
    it's kinda like the mid life crisis thingy
    tons of why... follow by probably what if ...
    you know. take it easy. i think we
    go thru many stages in our life. Bringing up
    the kids to adulthood is the longest stage
    by any context ye. so you're feeling mundane i guess. trust me, you're not alone on this.
    my 2 cents worth.
  6. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Hi Buddhabar, have you already passed this stage? Is it enough to just be cognisant about this stage and hope it pass?

    Having read quite a number of stories here, it seems that a lot of ppl (both genders actually) got into a marriage, things drone off, routine, one side started to look outside for excitement or to feel love. I can understand this feeling now, but is this what marriage is really about? Hope to find out from ppl who has been in marriage for many years and still remain sweet and loving how did they achieve that.

    I kept asking myself this same question. I can appreciate that she has done lots for the family and children (perhaps sometimes overly so), that she has given me lovely (but naughty) kids. But does sometimes they didn't translate to lovey feelings. I tried to think back of the times we were deeply in love, but somehow find it difficult to pick up the same feelings again.
  7. Infernolord

    Infernolord Active Member


    I feel you too. Unlike you, i just got married, living together with no kids.
    Life aint the same as before. So much of committements and responsibilities. I guess is because we are responsible therefore we have to give up life that no longer the same as before.
    I think i am happier person when single.. lol then again, i guess it is another life stage we have to walk.
    I give up travelling, my kopi senssion with friends.. Everyday i fetch my wife to and fro to work, wash the clothes and do the house chores. My life become so dull. Yet i feel unappreciated, and these are not enough for my wife.
    Because i am so tired, i am not lovey dovey type now and my wife complain and complain. we quarrel alot too. haha she can never understand. I realise becos they are too emotional.

    I can envisage i am walking down the same path. haha no other way bro..
    This is because ultimately, we are responsible for our family and we are fulfilling our commitements
    felirocious likes this.
  8. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Hi Infernolord, read many of your past posts and glad (maybe not the best word?) that you finally found the one and got married.

    Ya its a totally different thing to be married, responsibilities and all. Recall in the past when in love just hope to chat and see each other everyday. When now we are married its a different thing, because living together comes with lots of responsibilities, etc. I guess in a way it's also because we want to be good husbands, try be nice and together with wife more, ending up losing ourselves.

    Yeah, there is nothing to look forward to now, actually work is probably the most interesting thing to me now, though perhaps it's me feeling empty and nothing else to focus on. At least I feel enriching myself intellectually at work and hopefully my good performance is rewarded. Alas relationships are not so simple...

    Sometimes recalling back I wished to find back the feeling of loving someone, with someone constantly in my heart, whom I miss and think about all the time. There is a lady in the office whom I hope to build a relationship with. I hope to tell her that can we be the closest friends, bond emotionally etc but never physically engaged. But I didn't do that. In my mind I imagine things where she cares for me and I care for her during office hours, that makes me have something to look forward to. But alas, that's all in my imagination and makes me hurt when I'm clearly aware it's not the reality.

    Really curious how some couples continue to love each other throughout the years. Envy those old couples who still hold hands and hug each other at old age. Maybe I'm really going through a transient phase that will pass and I'll stop thinking of this kind of stuff... Just tired for now..
  9. Noobee

    Noobee New Member


    I believe that relationship is a cycle.

    Courtship, marriage, family and so on

    Many times after marriage, couple start their complaints about life and why so, it is cause of the commitment. Couple took for granted and treat each other as family and taking care of the needs for their kids. Priorities given to children instead of spouse. What more if you have elderly at home! More duties.

    You want to build a relationship with your female colleague because you don’t find stress or committed with her yet. Which is normal in all new relationship.

    Have you ever wonder what’s your feeling if your Wife is the one asking to build a relationship with another man? Do you feel betrayed?

    What you cannot accept, you should not do it to others too!

    Maybe you can take up a new interest or hobby instead.

    FYI I’m also married for 17 yrs!
    miloice likes this.
  10. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Hi Noobee, I understand what you are saying. I "know" it's a wrong thing to do, but that's not making me a happier person.

    Are you happy in your marriage? Do you still have the sweet feelings to your spouse? Or is it just commitments? I'm starting to blur the line...
  11. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Hey bro.

    Really worried for you.

    You married only 6 months and already not loveydovey? Before that you only together 1 year and you two already start quarreling and you already thinking might want emotional affair?

    This is not normal! I with my wife 5 years we still loveydovey and I adore her. Yeah life changes when you get married and you given up things.

    But still to feel less happy married them single just 6 mths into it?? How to last?

    Dont take this lightly. Btw your wife working now?
  12. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    I read this thread and feel really sad.

    Am i the only one who feel Happier married than single?

    I dare say I love my wife much as much as the first day i met her. I wish i could share with you secrets but I guess part of it is we are both highly compatiable. That is had the battle won.

    Even today i wonder what she sees in me, i really didnt think i could find such a amazing partner.

    I think maybe People today too easily dissatified. Always want to upgrade. Dont value what they have.
    Noobee likes this.
  13. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Hi New Project, sorry to say it almost sound like you are "showing off"? Don't mean this in the negative sense. Do you mean that many people settled for someone whom they didn't love or whom wasn't compatible? I think it's quite chicken and egg whether we feel like shifting focus to someone else when my marriage "failed" or we didn't choose the right one from the start (hindsight is always perfect). Surely there must be something that worked for you? Is your wife a very submissive gentle lady and that has led to a marriage without much conflicts?
  14. Noobee

    Noobee New Member

    Hi lost my purpose,

    I used to think I was the happiest wife till things happened.

    I believe in trying my best. So I took up the gamble again for myself and my family. I truly understand and know clearly what to do and trust that I will be stronger.

    Don’t think about sweetness or loving feeling, think how grateful your life is when you and your family are all healthy. Don’t live your life feeling miserable thinking what you going thru are sad and suffering. Everyone has a choice to live happily or sadly.

    Everyday is a new start. Think positive! Since I have to live my life, I shall choose to be happy. The moment I thought of anything sad or negative, I will convince myself that I’m aware and know what to do. I will be strong and positive.

    FYI, I used to feel depressed and disheartened.

    Happiness is a feeling that you can give to yourself, change your mindset. The power of your mind can be strong if you think positively.

    I’m positive now, trust that this gamble is worth trying. Whether or not I win or lose, I know that I’m trying my very best without giving up so easily.

    I’m happy being myself, and yes with my family.
  15. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Thanks Noobee.. honestly I cannot gather from your reply whether your relationship with your hubby is still good and loving? Ou are you saying you are happy to stay in the family and esp kids are happy? Probably nothing very sweet with hubby but nothing majorly wrong as well?

    One interesting point you mentioned is to stop expecting the sweet loving feeling. I think without the reminder, most people tend to expect marriage as the upgrade of a courtship, something "happily ever after". But perhaps doing without that expectations in the first place helps in being less unhappy, though not necessarily more happy. But don't you yearn for the sweet loving feelings anymore?
  16. Noobee

    Noobee New Member


    My relationship is good, more time spend together, more positive communication.

    The sweet and loving is a feeling that comes very natural when you feel happy being with someone you love.

    I can’t tell how to improve the relationship between you and your spouse. So I thought maybe of sharing about being positive.
  17. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Ya will try that. Perhaps keeping expectation right is the most important first step. As many other ppl wrote on this forum, perhaps our imagination of other ppl of the opposite gender is always flawless because of the limited interaction and not staying together. Perhaps I should learn to stop indulging in these imagined thoughts...
  18. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Honestly I think I just got lucky.

    We just very compatiable. It's not so much she is submissive but we really agree on almost everything and if not we are both very accomodating to each other (which can be bad sometimes )

    The other thing is because I had horrible past experiences with truly evil women so I really really value my wife, we just work. I won't say more or else you say I showing off again.

    I'm not sure the level of compatibility you have with your wife. I assume it's not horrible for you to make it to 10 years.

    That said I know friends who married wives that I could tell were doomed from the start (eg together short time and already quarrel a lot ) and indeed did end hopefully yours isn't the case.
  19. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Let's not jump to blame the mother in law.

    That issue is gone now but they still having problems. So let's not scrapegoat the mother in law.
  20. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Thanks New Project... To be fair my mum WAS a problem, leading to scars in the relationship that has weakened the marriage. Sort of happy that it's over now. Will try to focus on building a better relationship with my wife.

    Thanks all for your replies. @Infernolord please let us know how you are getting on. Hope you draw some support from us here and carry on strong (know it wasn't easy for you to find THE ONE)
  21. buddhabar

    buddhabar Active Member

    there comes a stage when contentment is above satisfaction.... as a matter of fact,
    there is no happiness without acceptance
  22. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Yeah that's good advice, perhaps previously with all the disagreements and quarrels I wasn't contented with the marriage and my wife, which was why I was hoping to find happiness elsewhere.

    Will try to see her good points and not think too much.

    Strangely, the perceived happiness with another woman pretty much comes from imagination. After speaking with the female colleague more I do realise it's not what I imagined it to be. Though she's still a nice lady but the feeling of wanting to be romantically linked had vanished.
  23. Infernolord

    Infernolord Active Member

    Haha not emtional affair bro..that's TS not me.. I aldy passed that stage and tired of gg tru another "exciting up & down". lol

    Lucky you that your wife appreciate you and agrees with you.. I am just ranting that mine is not appreciative.. Keep comparing and asking for more.. argh..

    Maybe TS is the same like me..

    "Put in all my saving get her a nice house, nice renovations. Every morning wake up an hour early, do my own breakfast and wait for her to wake up.

    Fetch her to work, that end up late and paying more ERP.

    After work, i need to rush off on dot just to fetch her. Then reach home, i do house chores 1st, vaccum, wash cloths and iron, clean house.

    She hungry, i drive out to buy for her. She complain no holidays, i sell my own shares and bring her out to holidays.

    I am happy to do all these for her, but the problem is she is not appreciating. Feel that i can do even better for her. This is tiring bro....
    newproject likes this.
  24. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Hi Infernolord, did she verbalise that she feels you can still do better to her? Was she like that in the past? I do think you are too nice to her, that she's taking for granted... You need to have a talk with her, telling her all these. But need to manage carefully because she may get all defensive and start a quarrel.

    I honestly feel you are already treating her very well. The important thing is whether she's been like that all these while, just that you married her in hope she will change. I've personally experienced that such "hopes" of the spouse changing after the marriage is wrong... If you cannot accept her the way she is before the marriage it's better not to marry her at all..
  25. Katejake

    Katejake New Member


    From what you said, you are a really good husband. Thumbs up for you! A pity about your wife though. Just wondering if she's being this way before you marry her?

    You need to have a good & deep talk with her. I have read your past posts and know that your journey to finding true love is not a smooth road.

    Hope things turn out better and wish you a blessed marriage!
  26. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    I also wonder was she like that before married? If no, be careful bro.

    Bro you like falling into same pattern as with your ex gfs.... you do everything, give in but girl still complain...

    Maybe this girl a bit different before married maybe a bit less alpha but...
  27. mooremm

    mooremm Member

    Hi lostmypurpose

    There is this saying that when a man and a woman get involved emotionally, it will naturally progress to physical, even though it is not the original intentions.

    This is from someone whom I know. I think he probably regretted it.
    newproject likes this.
  28. mooremm

    mooremm Member

    I am feeling bit suffocated and insomnia, feeling the need to rant about potential Mother in law problems.

    HTB doesn’t seem to understand my concern and feel that I am being narrow minded.

    Why does he always sound as though all he has said are right and make sense and mine are not. am so worried the lovey feelings would just take a 360deg turn before and after marriage. Is this the norm?
  29. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    currently in this stage and she is not even my gf yet...
    it worries me that at each different stage of a rs, there might be a likelihood that expectations will become higher.
  30. rainbowrainbow

    rainbowrainbow New Member

    Hi I I am experiencing this stage as well. Ftwm but once home, all time devoted to the kids. I would say my other half is a good Father to the kids but there is little or no attention on me. He does his fair share of housework and taking care of the kids so much so that our lives only revolves around the little ones. There is little intimacy and communication. I just felt like tenants staying under the same roof.

    Whenever I feedback that we are growing apart, he would lash back saying that he is always busy taking care of the house, the children and saying that I expect too much from him. I am the demanding one. Expecting this and that from him. He always say he is better than other Husbands out there and is contributing more than others do. I should be appreciative and not always ask for more. As a Wife, can I even ask for some love and attention from him. He does brings us out but he deemed it as part of his duty. At night he will always meet up with his friends once kiddos are asleep. I never once stop him from going out and do not text him on his whereabouts. When I am unhappy that he is going out too often, he will just reply with ‘ I brought u all out for shopping already’ what else do u want? And asked me to be appreciative.

    Nowadays I will just find time for myself, doing things I like. I ever thought of going to apps to find friends cos I just felt so lonely. But still did not do so in the end.

    Am I really too much to ask for some attention from my other half?
  31. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Honestly i sense your husband is very stressed. But he never says it right.

    I would also guess you aren't very clear on what you want either. You want more attention can be intrepreted many ways.

    You want to talk and he just listens to you? More hugs? Sex? More date nights?

    What? One technique ive learnt is go to a forum post out your unhappiness then ask your hubby go and read. Post like you letting out to a good friend. Writing it out on google docs and keeping it private works too
    rainbowrainbow likes this.
  32. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Not even your gf? Er. Danger Will Robinson...Danger...
  33. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Hi mooremm, i think this is a serious consideration before you take the marriage plunge. Most importantly: DO NOT MARRY AND HOPE FOR THINGS TO CHANGE. If the current situation is not acceptable to you on a long term basis, do not get married. Using myself as an example, my wife and mum had issues right before marriage. To be fair my mum was quite domineering and my wife did try to bear with it. But such tolerance cannot last, and even during the process it hurts a lot to quarrel. It took me a very serious quarrel between the 2 of them to see that i needed to change and side with my wife more. But if he is already thinking that his mother is correct and expecting you to give in, i would think it's not wise for you to take the plunge.

    Of course, need more details from you on what has happened, what is his thinking, etc. If you are happy to share we would be able to advise better.

    Good luck, and dont think that the past years with him is an important consideration to decide whether to stay with him. More importantly, dont succumb to social pressures (relatives, parents, friends) to get married. Always put your own happiness in the first place.
  34. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Hi aresenal_84, it does sound bad. Have a good chat with her, in a peaceful setting. Tell her that you've been trying to do your best, and ask if she still thinks its not good enough, or are there anything else she expects you to provide her with or even think you can do better. Assess those answers and judge for yourself whether she is reasonable person, and whether you would want her as your wife, as someone who walks the entire life with you.

    Given the limited understanding i have of your situation now, it's not wise to carry on with her as you are already bearing gripes. And it would not be easy to change her. As i mentioned in an earlier post, DO NOT go into a marriage expecting someone with change for the better. It rarely happens.
  35. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Tell us more. What's the concern?

    I don't know. I mean things change. You don't expect to be as lovey dovey as the first 3 months.

    Then again i see people saying they are happier single than married which is extreme.

    How many % are in that group.
  36. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Hi rainbow, i can totally understand what you mean, and i'm even worse i dont even meet my friends, because i'm better with the kids and they listen to me more. I hardly have time for myself, given my work sometimes stretches beyond office hours.

    You do need a good talk with him, best is take half day leave and go out to chat. Have a good chat with him, tell him what you need. I'm guessing you feel you need more love, more hugs, more of him looking at you and taking note of you. You need to tell him that. From the hubby viewpoint, there was a time when after being too focused on the kids during the baby stages, i felt very mushy and un-manly to say things like "I love you", or even hug her. She told me she needs lots of hugs from me, but i just couldnt do it. Yes, i also felt that we were partners in raising the kids and nothing more. What's worse, we disagreed a lot on how to bring the kid up which led to more quarrels.

    If you have the intention and will to change (just like i am in my marriage), just keep working on it. Try to get him to verbalise his fears, his worries, his taboos (eg whether is it he feels mushy like me, etc). First step is for him to open up and let you know how he thinks, before you can make things any better. It's hard if he closes up and there's nothing you will be able to do about it.

    Also, try writing to him. I would think whatsapp is a bad choice. Writing in paper, or even email, explicitly stating how you feel towards him and the marriage, in a single letter. Give him the time and space to read, and react. That should make him lower his defences and give a better response if he's not comfortable talking to you directly at first.

    Good luck to your marriage.
    rainbowrainbow likes this.
  37. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Says a guy who starts a thread saying he wants to have an emotional affair with a female collegue.

    Sure he then says he misinterpreted the whole thing and isnt going to do it. But i wouldn't be taking advice from a guy like this.
  38. rainbowrainbow

    rainbowrainbow New Member

    Hi newproject,

    I guess what u say is right. I do want more attention from him but I fail to do it in an explicit manner. Perhaps my ego is too strong to appear as the weaker one begging for some attention. Many a times I try to act tough, or behaving like it doesn’t matter but it hurts on the inside.

    I will give it a try. Thanks for the advice.
  39. rainbowrainbow

    rainbowrainbow New Member

    Hi lostmypurpose, I will try to understand from his POV but we always fail to communicate calmly when we talk about issues like that. Whenever I say something about him, he will get so defensive and aggressive and start to say things like ‘yah u are always right’ , ‘every time I am at fault’ , so much so I cannot be bothered to talk.

    Will still try writing to him like what u mentioned. Hope this works better than a face to face communication.

  40. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    You can say whatever you like. You haven't reach the end of your life yet, and hopefully you won't ever feel the same way as many of us right now. We are here to share some issues, and hopefully get some good advice. Being in a problem myself I can't see my position clearly, but that doesn't mean I can't see the position of other people in their problems. People here have some intelligence to judge whether my suggestion is workable or not, not to say that they will surely work. But the least this forum need to for one person to judge another person in useless comments like this. You do not know someone else problems entirely.

    I didn't think that I gave any nonsense advice, nor did I suggest rainbow go cheat on her hubby so surely your comments were not required.
  41. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    typically most men get married thinking that the other half will stay the same, however is often the opposite.
    so it goes back to the basic question where the best thing about the worst time of your life is that you get to see the true colors of everyone including your SO.
  42. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    That's at least a positive way of seeing things. But from what you wrote I do think she's probably not the one that can go through thick and thin with you... I dunno whether girls really need to be pampered. But for a wife she shouldn't really mind all these.
  43. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Honestly your postings made me suspect either you are a troll or you have very poor judgement or mental issues.

    Which sane person who is having trouble in relationships would think the following is a good idea and then go post this?

    And in the next post affirm that you committed to working out your relationship.

    Honestly this was what triggered me.

    Either you are trolling or your judgement is very very off or mentally unstable.

    Alarm bells are ringing.

    On the off chance you arent trolling take my advice. Go woŕk on your marriage.

    Reading stories by others and commenting on them just becomes a way for you to avoid your issues.

    Maybe its your wày to get some degree of intimacy you dont get with yourwife by talking to ladies here who are your counterpart.

    But if you really serious abòut your marriage commit to an action and go do that.

    Hanging around here to "help" others isnt going to help you
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2018
  44. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Its good you have enough insight. Its true that people both girls and guys now have too strong egos.

    In the past it was just the guys who didnt want to show vulnerability. Now is the woman too as they learn not to show vulnerability and weakness at work places and carries it with them .

    But without vulnerability there cant be true intimacy. ..
  45. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    At least your current post isn't as offensive.

    Honestly, without knowing the entire issues of someone else's issues I think it's premature for you to make any judgement. Other than issues with my mum which I couldn't change, I felt that I've worked on the marriage for years, but too bad the mother issue was the main bulk of the issues. But I did do a lot, changing my temper and taking care of the kids most of the time. But that didn't help the marriage. She kept feeling I didn't place her in the first place.

    My suggestion was to find the feeling of sweet love, that should make me a happier person (which I hope can allow me to tolerate the "nonsense" and routine in my life). But I have never thought that it wasn't dangerous. I was only hoping to find someone in the same predicament, to be emotionally bonded but know the rules we both have to agreea to. That said, I've always known the dangers of that, but the idea does feel very tempting. (Which is why I haven't done it yet)

    As to helping others here, I was also hoping by giving "good & moral" advices to other it helps me to also clear up what is the correct thing to do.. contradicting, but that's the truth..
  46. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    That's a nonsense line. I see you giving advice to different people, how are you doing that without any judging?

    Im not "judging" your relationship with your wife or whos in the right etc except to "judge" the fact that its obviously bad enough to drive you to even think of such a unreasonable plan.

    When i say work on your marriage i dont mean you give in to everything! I mean focus on your issues with her. Could be counseling, talk to her etc .

    The way you can say "find feeling of sweet love" with a lady not your wife in a matter of fact way and pretend to yourself you are working on your marriage is so insane... why cant you see it?

    Sigh, the fact you know is dangerous is exactly why im worried.

    You are so desperate even crazy ideas seems almost doable.

    But leave that aside. Say you both have discipline to have emotional affair only. You now happier Then what? What next to heal your marriage?

    You dont think it willmake you even more dissatisfied and wish this lady was your wife instead??

    You see how insane this all this? I need to spell it all for you shows your judgement is seriously shot....
  47. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    These are all comments about how you feel I'm insane, not thinking the right way, how crazy I am etc. Obviously if there was a way I could have these sweet feelings towards my wife then things wouldn't be this bad. But living together does have its difficulties, esp when we each have our own thinking and we have joint responsibilities for the kids. Seemingly from what you have wrote so far, it's just fortunate that you are lucky to meet the one who is perfect for you.

    I get it that what I wanted to do is "wrong", both morally as well as it may not achieve the desired outcome (ie may really make me stray out of the marriage etc). But that also seem to suggest that despite all the quarrels and talks, if things are still unhappy then I should just continue in it, work on it (though vague on actions). I started the thread asking for advice on how people who are married and still sweetly married (like yourself) achieved that and what can be done. I also asked perhaps what other people in my situation can or are doing to make themselves happier. But seems like such request hasn't met with much answers (and hopefully you didn't really mean relying on luck to be with the perfect one)
  48. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    to truly win over a lady's heart, they do need to be pampered.
    there is no crash course in a rs leading up to a marriage unless it is a shotgun marriage...and keeping a lady emotionally happy will go a long way in keeping married life peaceful.
    rainbowrainbow likes this.
  49. lostmypurpose

    lostmypurpose Member

    Yes I understand. Pampering in terms of action maybe, to the best of your ability. But not in terms of materialistic wants, because unless you feel that those are truly worth it, you are going to feel sort of indignant.

    Not sure about you but sometimes going all the way to pamper someone does make me tired, unless it's being reciprocated. And tiredness isn't sustainable in a relationship.
  50. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Luck is part of it. But i had to take my time learn to be discerning to find the right one. Years ago i almost married another girl but she hated my mum for no reason even though my mum did nothing. If i married her, today i will be suffering maybe like you.

    Honestly ill be lying to you if i say comparability isn't a big part of it.

    But you are stuck with it now so no point worrying about this.

    Here's a question was there ever a time you felt absolutely lucky she was your wife? When was that? Can you remember how it felt?

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