Innocent flirting?
- Thread starter star_dust
- Start date
make_it_happen
New Member
You need to have a forgetful brain & a forgiving heart to build up the trust again. But is not easy for her.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Its not about forgetting. Only people with some medical conditions that affects the brain, can we forget. The idea that one can never be capable to forgive and rebuild the trust is really limiting the possibilities. I'm not painting a rosy picture here. I'm really being realistic. We need to look at the situation and the people involved. Some people do have bigger hearts and are willing to see beyond past mistakes. Its about seeing open and looking at the present and future.
Whether TS and her husband cannot do it or not, only they can find out for themselves. And is it worth it to try? She has to weigh the odds.
Whether TS and her husband cannot do it or not, only they can find out for themselves. And is it worth it to try? She has to weigh the odds.
if he wants to make me smile and laugh again then he has to do it on his own. i'm not going to make it especially easy. to be nicer to him? sorry i cannot do that. like i've mentioned, i have nothing more to lose. if he wants to return to that woman, then its just my cue to leave, and if i leave again, i will never return.
yes, i am willing to trust and he is also willing to assure. i wont make things difficult for him for the rest of my life. i just need to get over my anger first, then work on my hurt and pain, then i can perhaps start work on building trust again. he's the one who begged me to stay. he has only one last opportunity - if he squanders this, then it only goes to show that my love was badly misplaced.
yes, i am willing to trust and he is also willing to assure. i wont make things difficult for him for the rest of my life. i just need to get over my anger first, then work on my hurt and pain, then i can perhaps start work on building trust again. he's the one who begged me to stay. he has only one last opportunity - if he squanders this, then it only goes to show that my love was badly misplaced.
make_it_happen
New Member
I strongly agree. It is the individual's character n perception. On the same subject, everybody will have different perception. Whether negative, positive or.....Looking at stardust, (pls accept my sincere apologies)I dun think she can do it. At times she feels positive, but most of the time she is in negative territory.U need very strong will to be able to trust again (but u having frequent mood swings). You need to get rid of the woman in your mind on places they have been, things they have done etc (but the past is eating into her road to build the trust) Some people are born to be leaders, some people are born to follow instructions. Everything is possible. But her pessimistic character & negative tots will not bring her success.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Stardust,
just be honest with yourself. Don't look for reasons to believe or hope. See things as it is. Chances of it surviving infidelity is not high, so don't pin and hopes. Keep your options open and start living for yourself and gain back the self-belief and confidence. You can definitely be exciting without devaluing yourself in anyway.
If it works, good for the marriage. Else, you would have well prepared the future of you and your child. You shouldn't be crush if you choose to leave eventually.
just be honest with yourself. Don't look for reasons to believe or hope. See things as it is. Chances of it surviving infidelity is not high, so don't pin and hopes. Keep your options open and start living for yourself and gain back the self-belief and confidence. You can definitely be exciting without devaluing yourself in anyway.
If it works, good for the marriage. Else, you would have well prepared the future of you and your child. You shouldn't be crush if you choose to leave eventually.
sigh.. why did he treat my love like crap? is my love so worthless to him? doesnt he know i've loved him for as long as i can remember? why did he choose to break my heart? i've failed so miserably.. who's going to help me stand up and give life another go again? can i really thumb my noses at fate? he said i was too important to him to risk losing me .. but yet he took the risk, and what a fun risk it was for him..he had an exciting girlfriend, he had a stupid wife who loved him so blindly that she chose to close her eyes from the strongest signals, and trust him again and again and again and again until she lost her directions in life..
i've lost heart in love and marriage. let's see if he is able to bring my heart back again
i've lost heart in love and marriage. let's see if he is able to bring my heart back again
make_it_happen
New Member
Y r right. Who am I to conclude for her. No offence to anybody.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Stardust,
my guess, u r probably still in the stage coming to terms with the truth. Hence, all these questions. Eventually, u need to come out of that. Realize that many of these questions might not have an answer. And even if we find one answer, its probably an interpretation that we choose to believe in. Often, it gives hope, and/or closure.
When you really recovered from it, all these questions doesn't matter so much anymore. We are here to listen. You can survive this.
my guess, u r probably still in the stage coming to terms with the truth. Hence, all these questions. Eventually, u need to come out of that. Realize that many of these questions might not have an answer. And even if we find one answer, its probably an interpretation that we choose to believe in. Often, it gives hope, and/or closure.
When you really recovered from it, all these questions doesn't matter so much anymore. We are here to listen. You can survive this.
Dear Stardust,
I spent quite some time to read this entire forum page.
Frankly speaking, you are very independent. Although you sounds dependent on your HB but from all the words you said and the things you did, you are really very independent.
You prepare hot water for him to bath and make sure a light is always left for him. You stayed with him when his financial collaspse. You were always there with your children and him. Bottomline, you are always taking care of everyone, YOU ARE VERY INDEPENDENT. You can walk out of him and live. Stop destroying yourself.
Probably you think you cant live without him but I seriously think you can. Just more time to adapt will do.
It might be very unhealthy for your kids to grow up in a broken family but they wont be able to think properly too when they often see a crying mother. You are creating fear for them.
Although I have no experience in this kind of situations but I can see the situation in a birdeye view.
What he did had hurt you to the max. There is no way you can forgive and trust him all over again, even u do, those moments of them together will haunt you over and over again. Even the frequency will get lesser, it will still haunt you for the rest of your whole life.
If I am in your shoes (I had really pictured my HB is doing this to me):-
1) Continue to stay together with no love. Dont get involved with his life. Let him settle his debts himself. He is just there to play the supporting role as a father only. Stay together for the sake of the children. If lucky, can be together until the day either one left the world. If not, at least when your kids are ready to understand and accept. Lets see if this man is willing to accept that during this cold turkey treatment period, will he able to go without sex and family warmth. If you can forget the incident and love this man again, forget the bad experiences and start all over again.
2) Leave him and find a new life with some other man. This may sounds difficult as you may not be able to fall in love again BUT, definitely able to find a nicer partner to spent your rest of your life with.
I can truly understand how u feel. It may provoke many guys out there but I dun care how many bang shots post after I post.
I think these kinds of actions make a man "dirty" from top to toe. Even the sight of a handsome him is dirty. His clothes, shoes and accessories stink. His car and your bed which he slept on it too. A cockroach or a lizard, the sight of him just make hair stands.
If the woman is young, pretty and fresh, if not, smart, witty with brains, humourous etc, lose to her, I will LL as they have "reasons" why my HB go under her skirt. That 3rd party has a girl of 12, suppose she gave birth as early as 16, she is at least 28 this year. To think you HB f**ked some old lady... Tsk Tsk Tsk... And a waitress somemore... Who knows your HB is not the only "victim"? I do not know why she targeted on somemore who has got a family, probably they are easier targets but if your HB can be atteracted by such class of woman, pls la... they are all over the streets. You will be living with miles plant all over you. Do you think you can suffer all these?
And whatever la... I been to those clubs before. I am a drinker, very good one I will say. As a woman, I wouldnt dare to say I can remained faithful when I touched alcohol. Even if I do, I cant expect people stay faithful to their wives. Let alone men.
Entertainment? All crap. Even so, they need not to entertainment 5 nights in a row. I am in sales line as well. I am earning big bucks without the need to entertain. Even if I do need to go, I can escape fast enough to catch the 10pm news every night, its a matter of want or dont want nia. If your HB entertains and still cant settle his debts at this time, either hes not fit into salesline or hes not entertaining the bosses la...
The 3rd party picked the wrong bait obviously. She must have thought your HB is rich since he can appear in those clubs so many nights in a role. Owns a car and able to pay for hotels and holiday trips.
Aiyer, I hope u can leave this man la. He f**king dirty in every aspects la.
I spent quite some time to read this entire forum page.
Frankly speaking, you are very independent. Although you sounds dependent on your HB but from all the words you said and the things you did, you are really very independent.
You prepare hot water for him to bath and make sure a light is always left for him. You stayed with him when his financial collaspse. You were always there with your children and him. Bottomline, you are always taking care of everyone, YOU ARE VERY INDEPENDENT. You can walk out of him and live. Stop destroying yourself.
Probably you think you cant live without him but I seriously think you can. Just more time to adapt will do.
It might be very unhealthy for your kids to grow up in a broken family but they wont be able to think properly too when they often see a crying mother. You are creating fear for them.
Although I have no experience in this kind of situations but I can see the situation in a birdeye view.
What he did had hurt you to the max. There is no way you can forgive and trust him all over again, even u do, those moments of them together will haunt you over and over again. Even the frequency will get lesser, it will still haunt you for the rest of your whole life.
If I am in your shoes (I had really pictured my HB is doing this to me):-
1) Continue to stay together with no love. Dont get involved with his life. Let him settle his debts himself. He is just there to play the supporting role as a father only. Stay together for the sake of the children. If lucky, can be together until the day either one left the world. If not, at least when your kids are ready to understand and accept. Lets see if this man is willing to accept that during this cold turkey treatment period, will he able to go without sex and family warmth. If you can forget the incident and love this man again, forget the bad experiences and start all over again.
2) Leave him and find a new life with some other man. This may sounds difficult as you may not be able to fall in love again BUT, definitely able to find a nicer partner to spent your rest of your life with.
I can truly understand how u feel. It may provoke many guys out there but I dun care how many bang shots post after I post.
I think these kinds of actions make a man "dirty" from top to toe. Even the sight of a handsome him is dirty. His clothes, shoes and accessories stink. His car and your bed which he slept on it too. A cockroach or a lizard, the sight of him just make hair stands.
If the woman is young, pretty and fresh, if not, smart, witty with brains, humourous etc, lose to her, I will LL as they have "reasons" why my HB go under her skirt. That 3rd party has a girl of 12, suppose she gave birth as early as 16, she is at least 28 this year. To think you HB f**ked some old lady... Tsk Tsk Tsk... And a waitress somemore... Who knows your HB is not the only "victim"? I do not know why she targeted on somemore who has got a family, probably they are easier targets but if your HB can be atteracted by such class of woman, pls la... they are all over the streets. You will be living with miles plant all over you. Do you think you can suffer all these?
And whatever la... I been to those clubs before. I am a drinker, very good one I will say. As a woman, I wouldnt dare to say I can remained faithful when I touched alcohol. Even if I do, I cant expect people stay faithful to their wives. Let alone men.
Entertainment? All crap. Even so, they need not to entertainment 5 nights in a row. I am in sales line as well. I am earning big bucks without the need to entertain. Even if I do need to go, I can escape fast enough to catch the 10pm news every night, its a matter of want or dont want nia. If your HB entertains and still cant settle his debts at this time, either hes not fit into salesline or hes not entertaining the bosses la...
The 3rd party picked the wrong bait obviously. She must have thought your HB is rich since he can appear in those clubs so many nights in a role. Owns a car and able to pay for hotels and holiday trips.
Aiyer, I hope u can leave this man la. He f**king dirty in every aspects la.
"If the woman is young, pretty and fresh, if not, smart, witty with brains, humourous etc, lose to her, I will LL as they have "reasons" why my HB go under her skirt. That 3rd party has a girl of 12, suppose she gave birth as early as 16, she is at least 28 this year. To think you HB f**ked some old lady... Tsk Tsk Tsk.."
From the above statement, I think women understand very little of why a man may have an affair.. Just ask Prince Charles.. why he gave up Princess Diana for an old woman.. It is not always about beauty and youth..
And even you lose to a older and uglier woman, still still got to LL.. what can you do?
And it is not how good you are to your hb as well... nevermind all the sacrifices that you think you made.. there is obviously an emotional gap that some women can fill that the wife could not..
From the above statement, I think women understand very little of why a man may have an affair.. Just ask Prince Charles.. why he gave up Princess Diana for an old woman.. It is not always about beauty and youth..
And even you lose to a older and uglier woman, still still got to LL.. what can you do?
And it is not how good you are to your hb as well... nevermind all the sacrifices that you think you made.. there is obviously an emotional gap that some women can fill that the wife could not..
stardust,
I would suggest to give yourself some time..
Don't think too much.. put a little focus on yourself and your children..
Time is wonderful and with time, you will be able to think more clearly..
Time also will give you hb the opportunity to think and to prove to you..
I would suggest to give yourself some time..
Don't think too much.. put a little focus on yourself and your children..
Time is wonderful and with time, you will be able to think more clearly..
Time also will give you hb the opportunity to think and to prove to you..
yeah..i'm definitely still stuck in the stage where all the questions are shooting out one by one..i realise i've got so many roles,so many alter egos, and they appear at different times.
tonight he attended a company function, and he suggested i drive him home.he was a little drunk already. when we got home, he kept saying sorry over and over again n again. he promised again n again he wouldnt ever hurt me, and he;ll be a good husband n father from now on. then he went in to a daze for a while and then he started to weep n then cry.. he seemed so tortured, but i'm still not able to trust him as yet. i answered every one of his promises with 'we'll see'. i was hurting inside to see him so sad..but i still am not ready to forgive him yet. the bad memories are still so fresh. he kept blaming himself, scolding himself for being so stupid. in the end i was the one holding him and comforting him. but i'm not so stupid anymore - i recall vividly the episodes in the past 6 months where he'd mumbled he was a good husband, why doesnt his wife trust him...etc and i stupidly fell for all his false words and great acting.
earning my trust back will not be easy. i guess only time will prove whether he's really sincere or not.
time is really a good friend - it heals and proves..
denise,
you post sounds really bitter, have you encountered such a situation before or someone close to you had?
i believe in one thing - hate is very strong, but there is one other thing stronger - love.
although i cant be sure now that whatever he says is the real truth, true promises or empty promises, but i love him enough to at least try to forgive and give him the last chance to really make it up to me and our sons. it may take a long long time to finally say i forgive him, and let the scars fade, but i believe if he's sincere, it'll eventually happen. the voices in my head may be loud, but all it takes to drown them out is a louder sincerity from him. and perhaps one day, the voices will totally disappear and all that'll be left is just sincerity and love. no more lies and deceit, no more hurt n pain.
tonight he attended a company function, and he suggested i drive him home.he was a little drunk already. when we got home, he kept saying sorry over and over again n again. he promised again n again he wouldnt ever hurt me, and he;ll be a good husband n father from now on. then he went in to a daze for a while and then he started to weep n then cry.. he seemed so tortured, but i'm still not able to trust him as yet. i answered every one of his promises with 'we'll see'. i was hurting inside to see him so sad..but i still am not ready to forgive him yet. the bad memories are still so fresh. he kept blaming himself, scolding himself for being so stupid. in the end i was the one holding him and comforting him. but i'm not so stupid anymore - i recall vividly the episodes in the past 6 months where he'd mumbled he was a good husband, why doesnt his wife trust him...etc and i stupidly fell for all his false words and great acting.
earning my trust back will not be easy. i guess only time will prove whether he's really sincere or not.
time is really a good friend - it heals and proves..
denise,
you post sounds really bitter, have you encountered such a situation before or someone close to you had?
i believe in one thing - hate is very strong, but there is one other thing stronger - love.
although i cant be sure now that whatever he says is the real truth, true promises or empty promises, but i love him enough to at least try to forgive and give him the last chance to really make it up to me and our sons. it may take a long long time to finally say i forgive him, and let the scars fade, but i believe if he's sincere, it'll eventually happen. the voices in my head may be loud, but all it takes to drown them out is a louder sincerity from him. and perhaps one day, the voices will totally disappear and all that'll be left is just sincerity and love. no more lies and deceit, no more hurt n pain.
stardust,
At least for you, your hb is repentant and seems to be repentant. He asks for forgiveness.. and he wants a chance to reconcile
For me, it is the other way round. I forgave my wife instantly the moment her affair was known. I was also the one comforting her... I never hate her at all - even till this day. Never angry with her.
The cruel thing was that she cannot forgive herself.
But it is OK. I have since moved on and I am happy to be what I am now. As I said, time is a great healer...
At least for you, your hb is repentant and seems to be repentant. He asks for forgiveness.. and he wants a chance to reconcile
For me, it is the other way round. I forgave my wife instantly the moment her affair was known. I was also the one comforting her... I never hate her at all - even till this day. Never angry with her.
The cruel thing was that she cannot forgive herself.
But it is OK. I have since moved on and I am happy to be what I am now. As I said, time is a great healer...
stardust,
The only thing is that you should play your part if you really want to reconcile..
You may feel aggrieve and feel that your hb has to do all the wooing all over again.. rightly so.. but you still have to do your part..
Yes, trust may not be easy but you cannot possibly make it difficult for him.
Do it step by step. But don't be unreasonable and bring out the past.. or shun the places that they have been to..
The only thing is that you should play your part if you really want to reconcile..
You may feel aggrieve and feel that your hb has to do all the wooing all over again.. rightly so.. but you still have to do your part..
Yes, trust may not be easy but you cannot possibly make it difficult for him.
Do it step by step. But don't be unreasonable and bring out the past.. or shun the places that they have been to..
sm,
i guess once we've seen it through, everything becomes much clearer and simpler. guilt is something no one else can erase for another person.
i know i shouldnt bring up the past anymore, but everything is still so fresh, i blurt out things that are in my mind. whenever i recall the things he said to me were part of his double life, the pain just comes in waves again. and although my head tells me that whatever hurtful things he told her about me may just be lies to make her happy, my heart tells me that he meant it when he said it. and even if he insist that he didnt mean anything, it still hurt that the lips that could always kiss away any troubles i had could be capable of such vicious words against someone he claimed to love. the word is so right - vicious.
maybe my acceptance stage isnt really over yet, and thus i cannot bear thinking about going to or near the places that i know they'd went to together. part of me is so resentful, and full of hatred for the stranger i'd been living with and sleeping beside in the past year. the vicious stranger who i loved and cared for without knowing the kind of monster he really was. the devious stranger who manipulated me and my emotions so much so that he drove me into cycles of self-doubt and eventually depression,resulting in a mother who was unable to provide her best care to her toddler son and her unborn baby.
and yet part of me is still so in love with the young boy i fell in love with, who gave me such a strong sense of security, who made me feel as if i'd always be protected and safe as long as he was around with me. the man who would hold me tight when i was cold and made me feel so happy and contented that i found the right person to take care of me for life. the man who could make me laugh and smile just simply at the thought of him.the man whom i was dead certain would never, ever hurt me so deep, so long, so acutely, so painfully.
when did this person morph into someone so sinister and strange? someone whom i had to be careful of and not safe with?
he promised to return to who he was before, but can he really do it? when can i finally return to the person i fell in love with in the first place?
i guess once we've seen it through, everything becomes much clearer and simpler. guilt is something no one else can erase for another person.
i know i shouldnt bring up the past anymore, but everything is still so fresh, i blurt out things that are in my mind. whenever i recall the things he said to me were part of his double life, the pain just comes in waves again. and although my head tells me that whatever hurtful things he told her about me may just be lies to make her happy, my heart tells me that he meant it when he said it. and even if he insist that he didnt mean anything, it still hurt that the lips that could always kiss away any troubles i had could be capable of such vicious words against someone he claimed to love. the word is so right - vicious.
maybe my acceptance stage isnt really over yet, and thus i cannot bear thinking about going to or near the places that i know they'd went to together. part of me is so resentful, and full of hatred for the stranger i'd been living with and sleeping beside in the past year. the vicious stranger who i loved and cared for without knowing the kind of monster he really was. the devious stranger who manipulated me and my emotions so much so that he drove me into cycles of self-doubt and eventually depression,resulting in a mother who was unable to provide her best care to her toddler son and her unborn baby.
and yet part of me is still so in love with the young boy i fell in love with, who gave me such a strong sense of security, who made me feel as if i'd always be protected and safe as long as he was around with me. the man who would hold me tight when i was cold and made me feel so happy and contented that i found the right person to take care of me for life. the man who could make me laugh and smile just simply at the thought of him.the man whom i was dead certain would never, ever hurt me so deep, so long, so acutely, so painfully.
when did this person morph into someone so sinister and strange? someone whom i had to be careful of and not safe with?
he promised to return to who he was before, but can he really do it? when can i finally return to the person i fell in love with in the first place?
stardust,
It is not going to be easy.. you will have waves and cycles and cycles of emotions crashing upon you. The good thing is that the impact will be less and less if you put your mind to it.
And yes, your acceptance is important. Cry and grieve as you may but don't dwell too much on them. And once you have accept the inevitable it is possible to forgive and move on.
Don't have to believe nor doubt him. Let his actions speak for itself.
It is not going to be easy.. you will have waves and cycles and cycles of emotions crashing upon you. The good thing is that the impact will be less and less if you put your mind to it.
And yes, your acceptance is important. Cry and grieve as you may but don't dwell too much on them. And once you have accept the inevitable it is possible to forgive and move on.
Don't have to believe nor doubt him. Let his actions speak for itself.
sm,
'Don't have to believe nor doubt him. Let his actions speak for itself'
yes, my dr and my counsellor friend said the same words to me. its up to him to convince me.but his actions in the past were so convincing that i fell for it despite my deep suspicions. no wonder everytime after an incident happens and we resolve it, i somehow feel that there something more that i haven't dug deep enough to find out. there's something there that wasnt right although his explanations all seem so reasonable. plus his manipulations to shift all the blame onto me worked exceedingly well that i developed such a great self-doubt, and thus now, even when i feel his sincerity, this self-doubt that he had so nourishingly developed through his very own actions would always raise its ugly head and warn me to be careful and not trust anything or anyone so easily anymore.
how ironic that he himself was the one who created a person so mistrustful, whom he wants desperately to trust him now. its really true that what goes around will eventually come around.
for now, i guess its really just float along with the tide..and see through his actions if they're true and sincere or not.after all that i've gone through, if eventually i find out that he'd made a pact with that woman to keep it low for the time being until he regains my trust again to continue with their tryst, i'd be heartbroken again, but i actually wouldnt be surprised anymore.
she doesnt call or sms him anymore now, and the more low lying she is, the more i fear the repercussions. it seems almost too good to be true that the crazy woman has decided to let him go so easily after all the threats she gave him to keep him with her? either she's planning some great drama, or my guess about the pact may very well be true. i just dont feel right with her total acceptance and disappearance.
we'll see, but i think i have to protect my own fragile heart now and hold back until the day he proves himself to me once more.
'Don't have to believe nor doubt him. Let his actions speak for itself'
yes, my dr and my counsellor friend said the same words to me. its up to him to convince me.but his actions in the past were so convincing that i fell for it despite my deep suspicions. no wonder everytime after an incident happens and we resolve it, i somehow feel that there something more that i haven't dug deep enough to find out. there's something there that wasnt right although his explanations all seem so reasonable. plus his manipulations to shift all the blame onto me worked exceedingly well that i developed such a great self-doubt, and thus now, even when i feel his sincerity, this self-doubt that he had so nourishingly developed through his very own actions would always raise its ugly head and warn me to be careful and not trust anything or anyone so easily anymore.
how ironic that he himself was the one who created a person so mistrustful, whom he wants desperately to trust him now. its really true that what goes around will eventually come around.
for now, i guess its really just float along with the tide..and see through his actions if they're true and sincere or not.after all that i've gone through, if eventually i find out that he'd made a pact with that woman to keep it low for the time being until he regains my trust again to continue with their tryst, i'd be heartbroken again, but i actually wouldnt be surprised anymore.
she doesnt call or sms him anymore now, and the more low lying she is, the more i fear the repercussions. it seems almost too good to be true that the crazy woman has decided to let him go so easily after all the threats she gave him to keep him with her? either she's planning some great drama, or my guess about the pact may very well be true. i just dont feel right with her total acceptance and disappearance.
we'll see, but i think i have to protect my own fragile heart now and hold back until the day he proves himself to me once more.
maple_egreen
New Member
Stardust, i just want to say something to you:
<font color="aa00aa">Remember, when you are at life's bottomest pits, there is no other way than UP.</font>
And you can do it. Now you are grieving thats why you find it hard. But soon you will be healing and that will result in you being a stronger person. Do it for yourself and your children and your parents then lastly for your husband. Note i dont encourage you to give up on your hb totally but you deserve to place yourself, your kids and your parents first now, him later.
Each time you feel defeated, look at your kids, i believe you want to be there strong and reliable for them. Each time you weep, think of your parents and remember they didnt raise you up for others to trample over you so you gotta get over the hurts and emerge victorious.
<font color="aa00aa">Remember, when you are at life's bottomest pits, there is no other way than UP.</font>
And you can do it. Now you are grieving thats why you find it hard. But soon you will be healing and that will result in you being a stronger person. Do it for yourself and your children and your parents then lastly for your husband. Note i dont encourage you to give up on your hb totally but you deserve to place yourself, your kids and your parents first now, him later.
Each time you feel defeated, look at your kids, i believe you want to be there strong and reliable for them. Each time you weep, think of your parents and remember they didnt raise you up for others to trample over you so you gotta get over the hurts and emerge victorious.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Stardust, you said that his actions in the past were so convincing. Actually, it was his words, not his actions, that were convincing or sounded genuine. That was why there was still suspicion that lingered even after sessions of the so-called heart-to-heart talk. Let his action speak means you look at his behaviours, if they are consistent with his words. Make sense I hope?
i know i feel so sorry towards my parents and that's why i dont think i want them to know anything. i know my mum would be heart broken for me, and my dad would probably not want me to return to this family. at the very least, they wouldn't have a peace of mind with my marriage any longer. i think since i've already decided on somewhat a course of action, i dont want them to find out.
i felt such a failure for the past days, and i couldnt even take care of my kids. when they cried, all i could do was to stare into space, or at the very most, say a few words of comfort which wasnt very effective. i just didnt have the energy to deal with them, and thus, i avoided them. they remind me too much of the person who betrayed me. but i'm slowly picking myself up..
actually i could see that my husband has lost some weight too..my mum actually commented a couple of months back that he'd lost some weight. i suppose it was the guilt and stress of creating lie after lie to cover the previous ones.
doll,
yup i think you've got it.. but i feel very battered now.. too weak to catch anything else. i'm living in limbo, hour to hour, day to day, night to night.. just simply floating along where the tide decides to take me. maybe after the dust has settled, the healing will begin.. and i perhaps may be ready to take him back as my husband again.
i promise to love you, honour you, comfort you and keep you in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to you so long as we both shall live.
he's broken every single word of the wedding vows we took. now all his promises ring empty and hollow, and the echoes are filled with my cries of loneliness and despair. i need to continue living, to find myself again. then when i've gotten my confidence and identity back, i then will be ready to accept him back into my heart. but he will no longer have the priviledge of being the center of my universe any longer - not that he'd cared about it in any way to begin with.
i felt such a failure for the past days, and i couldnt even take care of my kids. when they cried, all i could do was to stare into space, or at the very most, say a few words of comfort which wasnt very effective. i just didnt have the energy to deal with them, and thus, i avoided them. they remind me too much of the person who betrayed me. but i'm slowly picking myself up..
actually i could see that my husband has lost some weight too..my mum actually commented a couple of months back that he'd lost some weight. i suppose it was the guilt and stress of creating lie after lie to cover the previous ones.
doll,
yup i think you've got it.. but i feel very battered now.. too weak to catch anything else. i'm living in limbo, hour to hour, day to day, night to night.. just simply floating along where the tide decides to take me. maybe after the dust has settled, the healing will begin.. and i perhaps may be ready to take him back as my husband again.
i promise to love you, honour you, comfort you and keep you in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to you so long as we both shall live.
he's broken every single word of the wedding vows we took. now all his promises ring empty and hollow, and the echoes are filled with my cries of loneliness and despair. i need to continue living, to find myself again. then when i've gotten my confidence and identity back, i then will be ready to accept him back into my heart. but he will no longer have the priviledge of being the center of my universe any longer - not that he'd cared about it in any way to begin with.
Yeap, I can see you are willing to give him for another chance. No one will know what will happens next until you gave it a try. Good luck yeah? =)
It doesnt happen to me. It happened to my parents 10 yrs back.
The 3rd party was some beer waitress at a coffee shop in chinatown. I was a teenager that time. I am not interested to know who was at fault at that point of time. All I know I always have a complete family. My mother is always there before I get ready for school and my dad is always in time to join us for dinner. I have no position to judge if my mum is a good wife or my dad is a good HB. Being their children, I can only say I have a wonderful dad and mum.
Their incident is not as draggy as yours. Everything happened in 2 weeks only. I went to look for this 3rd party at her workplace and we fought. She screamed that my dad said that theres no longer love for my mum and enjoy being with her. Right in the coffee shop! Everyone heard and shes sounded so bloody right. And she sees there is nothing wrong when 2 person are "ni qing wo yuan". Then only after that, I realised that she was right. Takes 2 hands to clap. I was so silly to confront her and get myself into trouble for what my dad did.
When I went back, my dad was pleading for a chance. Same, says he dunno why he said those things to the woman and the woman threatened him to tell my mum.
So? Who was my Dad lying to that time? Lie to the woman that he loves her and sick of my mum? Or lie to my mother that he doesnt know why he said all those stuffs?
Aiya, we woman understand very little. Yes, what we want is very simple. Just a faithful husband nia. We dun understand why men must have an affair outside. Some men complained that women gave them too much stress.. Then dun get married in the 1st place if not ready to handle stress la! You can go drink, get drunk, get into fights etc but why must get a 3rd party involved and hurt all the people? Its not wrong to fall in love with someone new but why must one cause so much hurt to all the people involved? Cant they just make up their bloddy mind on just 1 person?
Princess Diana is so pretty but why Princes Charles left her for an older woman? Then? Diana have to think "Oh yes, I have to understand why my HB left me, I should let him go and keep quiet.." Like that? Ok, we women are just not so noble... and probably we cant be.
My mum gave my dad a chance eventually. Probably because of love, probably because of us. Dun think they are in good terms, they each slept on a single bed in the same room. My mum is strong and handled it rather well. As for my feelings to dad, I dun feel a thing. I always told my mum that all of us had grown up, if shes happy, she can leave anytime for a better man. She doesnt deserve all these.
Maybe I just cant get over what had happened that time and still get very heated whenever I hear such things. No one should deserve these after married, regardless men or women.
It doesnt happen to me. It happened to my parents 10 yrs back.
The 3rd party was some beer waitress at a coffee shop in chinatown. I was a teenager that time. I am not interested to know who was at fault at that point of time. All I know I always have a complete family. My mother is always there before I get ready for school and my dad is always in time to join us for dinner. I have no position to judge if my mum is a good wife or my dad is a good HB. Being their children, I can only say I have a wonderful dad and mum.
Their incident is not as draggy as yours. Everything happened in 2 weeks only. I went to look for this 3rd party at her workplace and we fought. She screamed that my dad said that theres no longer love for my mum and enjoy being with her. Right in the coffee shop! Everyone heard and shes sounded so bloody right. And she sees there is nothing wrong when 2 person are "ni qing wo yuan". Then only after that, I realised that she was right. Takes 2 hands to clap. I was so silly to confront her and get myself into trouble for what my dad did.
When I went back, my dad was pleading for a chance. Same, says he dunno why he said those things to the woman and the woman threatened him to tell my mum.
So? Who was my Dad lying to that time? Lie to the woman that he loves her and sick of my mum? Or lie to my mother that he doesnt know why he said all those stuffs?
Aiya, we woman understand very little. Yes, what we want is very simple. Just a faithful husband nia. We dun understand why men must have an affair outside. Some men complained that women gave them too much stress.. Then dun get married in the 1st place if not ready to handle stress la! You can go drink, get drunk, get into fights etc but why must get a 3rd party involved and hurt all the people? Its not wrong to fall in love with someone new but why must one cause so much hurt to all the people involved? Cant they just make up their bloddy mind on just 1 person?
Princess Diana is so pretty but why Princes Charles left her for an older woman? Then? Diana have to think "Oh yes, I have to understand why my HB left me, I should let him go and keep quiet.." Like that? Ok, we women are just not so noble... and probably we cant be.
My mum gave my dad a chance eventually. Probably because of love, probably because of us. Dun think they are in good terms, they each slept on a single bed in the same room. My mum is strong and handled it rather well. As for my feelings to dad, I dun feel a thing. I always told my mum that all of us had grown up, if shes happy, she can leave anytime for a better man. She doesnt deserve all these.
Maybe I just cant get over what had happened that time and still get very heated whenever I hear such things. No one should deserve these after married, regardless men or women.
denise,
you know, many of the things you said makes really good sense, and delivered in a seriously colloquial and straightforward manner.
i guess only when faced with a true problem would we really know how strong we are. i used to say very firmly that if he cheated on me, i would leave him for sure. but i guess i'm stronger than i thought i was. its easy to leave, it takes much more courage and determination to stay and tell myself to build a new life up again.
take it as whatever i've owed him in my past life has been all returned, and from now onwards, he's the one who owes me a happy and secure life.
i still love him as much, but i guess the love is buried under layers of crap and mess now. its not my problem to clear the mess, he has to be the one who does it. will he do it diligently out of true love and remorse, will he do it resentfully, will he give up halfway because he feels its too much work, i dont know. until the day he clears every single bit without a trace left, only then my love will be able to shine again.
you know, many of the things you said makes really good sense, and delivered in a seriously colloquial and straightforward manner.
i guess only when faced with a true problem would we really know how strong we are. i used to say very firmly that if he cheated on me, i would leave him for sure. but i guess i'm stronger than i thought i was. its easy to leave, it takes much more courage and determination to stay and tell myself to build a new life up again.
take it as whatever i've owed him in my past life has been all returned, and from now onwards, he's the one who owes me a happy and secure life.
i still love him as much, but i guess the love is buried under layers of crap and mess now. its not my problem to clear the mess, he has to be the one who does it. will he do it diligently out of true love and remorse, will he do it resentfully, will he give up halfway because he feels its too much work, i dont know. until the day he clears every single bit without a trace left, only then my love will be able to shine again.
miloice
Well-Known Member
my parents divorce and life experience gave me a different insight. Its easy to condemn and judge. But it isn't as simple as "dun get married in the 1st place if not ready to handle stress lah"
Most people do married for love. They were mostly sincere and geniue. As a teenager, I beat up my dad and kicked him out. After everything all these yrs, living with my mum and becoming her main source of trust and support, and my dad passing 2 yrs back, I realize how much they still loved each other. And I grown to understand my dad's pov too. Though not agreeing to it, neither do I impose my ideas on how he should live his life.
If I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't have encouraged their divorce but be the much needed bridge between them. When we come across other's problems and affairs, do we need to get personally so emotionally involved as to need to judge the people? Personally, my family history make me realize we need to give others the benefit of the doubt. We look at the person's character and integrity on the whole and not incriminate someone based solely on one mistake, no matter how big or small.
My uncle, his brother, gave him the strongest opposition and condemnation. They never made up. At the funeral, he shared how we had learnt this valuable lesson from us. His anlaogy, would you look at the dirt on the white shirt and call it a black shirt or do you accept that its not a perfectly clean shirt but its still a white shirt. My 2 cents.
Most people do married for love. They were mostly sincere and geniue. As a teenager, I beat up my dad and kicked him out. After everything all these yrs, living with my mum and becoming her main source of trust and support, and my dad passing 2 yrs back, I realize how much they still loved each other. And I grown to understand my dad's pov too. Though not agreeing to it, neither do I impose my ideas on how he should live his life.
If I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't have encouraged their divorce but be the much needed bridge between them. When we come across other's problems and affairs, do we need to get personally so emotionally involved as to need to judge the people? Personally, my family history make me realize we need to give others the benefit of the doubt. We look at the person's character and integrity on the whole and not incriminate someone based solely on one mistake, no matter how big or small.
My uncle, his brother, gave him the strongest opposition and condemnation. They never made up. At the funeral, he shared how we had learnt this valuable lesson from us. His anlaogy, would you look at the dirt on the white shirt and call it a black shirt or do you accept that its not a perfectly clean shirt but its still a white shirt. My 2 cents.
I went to that women because I want my parents to be together. I fought with her because I think she was wrong to do that. It was her shoutings who woke me up that my dad played a part in everyone's unhappiness.
Stardust's story is one out of so many examples. My parent's story is also another example. I wish stardust good luck as she is ready to give her husband another chance. No one will know until they give it a try. If she can overcome all these, its still happy ending isnt it?
My best friend had a total of 5 siblings. Her dad passed away in some year. On the 2nd day of his funeral, she found out that she got 7 siblings in total. -_- I dont know how her mum did it. She wasnt aware until the same day. Now, she sends money back (the 3rd party & 2 kids living in Malaysia) monthly for them. BTW, shes is a just factory worker. Women are generally noble creatures. Why men can get stressed out by them?
Sometimes I really hate the excuse "stress" which lead people to make mistakes. Yes, a person dies because he cross the road because he was stressed of something. But theres no way for me to accept a man having an affair outside is because he is stressed, having an affair is to release stress. Come on la... its the excitement. Once they cant get out of it, it will really become stress!
I can see my mum still loves my Dad. But she dont live with him blessed like before. Day by day passed... is my mum happy? Right now, even they are still together, her face tells me she is not.
Stardust's story is one out of so many examples. My parent's story is also another example. I wish stardust good luck as she is ready to give her husband another chance. No one will know until they give it a try. If she can overcome all these, its still happy ending isnt it?
My best friend had a total of 5 siblings. Her dad passed away in some year. On the 2nd day of his funeral, she found out that she got 7 siblings in total. -_- I dont know how her mum did it. She wasnt aware until the same day. Now, she sends money back (the 3rd party & 2 kids living in Malaysia) monthly for them. BTW, shes is a just factory worker. Women are generally noble creatures. Why men can get stressed out by them?
Sometimes I really hate the excuse "stress" which lead people to make mistakes. Yes, a person dies because he cross the road because he was stressed of something. But theres no way for me to accept a man having an affair outside is because he is stressed, having an affair is to release stress. Come on la... its the excitement. Once they cant get out of it, it will really become stress!
I can see my mum still loves my Dad. But she dont live with him blessed like before. Day by day passed... is my mum happy? Right now, even they are still together, her face tells me she is not.
I may sound absurb.
Honestly, if my HB did such a thing to me, I probably wont leave him too. Mentally, physcially and financially, he forms 60% of me. If he were to leave me, 60% of me is gone. And if I leave him now, I have to be 200% strong to work and support for my kid. Its very tiring... And I have at least 40 to 50 years to go... I wouldnt want to gamble.
Instead, I will do the same thing to him. Its not revenge. More on getting a balance. Its like... "you want me to understand why did u do it, I must experience it before I can understand." Then once I did it, I will be able to forgive because he has to forgive me too.
Yeah.
No wonder there are so many gigolo pubs recently! Wahahaha!
Honestly, if my HB did such a thing to me, I probably wont leave him too. Mentally, physcially and financially, he forms 60% of me. If he were to leave me, 60% of me is gone. And if I leave him now, I have to be 200% strong to work and support for my kid. Its very tiring... And I have at least 40 to 50 years to go... I wouldnt want to gamble.
Instead, I will do the same thing to him. Its not revenge. More on getting a balance. Its like... "you want me to understand why did u do it, I must experience it before I can understand." Then once I did it, I will be able to forgive because he has to forgive me too.
Yeah.
No wonder there are so many gigolo pubs recently! Wahahaha!
Stardust,
I have been following this thread since last year. I wish to share a story with you. Not that to I wanted to encourage you to leave your hb, but I deem no matter what, you will have to love yourself and your kids more from now on. Anything and everything you are going to do now, is for YOURSELF. Not for him. Try to put in effort to salvage the marriage and if you dont feel happy later on, then you will have to ponder what to do next.
The man (A), the wife (B) and the 2 girlfriends (C) and (D)
The man (A) looks like a decent man. But behind his wife (B) he is going after (C). Same like what Denise Goh said, the stories of affairs are pretty standard. The man convinced the girl friend that he is in the middle of separation with the wife. The girl trust him and they fell in love. So? The man was lying to the girl friend (C) that he loves her and sick of his own wife? Or lie to the wife that he doesnt know why he said all those stuffs? When the affair is revealed, the man is as remorseful as any other guy who had been caught. Kneel down, bring the wife travel round the world as a make up trip, lost appetite, insomnia blah blah blah and plead for another chance and forgiveness. You will never believe that beside the wife and the girlfriend (C), there's another one named (D). He is not 2 times! He is poking more girls at the same time. I do not know whether he is acting to be sorry, or what is in his mind. Can you ever trust a cheating man? For me, I dont after knowing this story. He broke up with (C) immediately after the affair revealed. Swear to the wife that he is really guilty in what he has done. End up, no one will ever expect that he is still poking his girlfriend (D) even after he promised to his wife that he will be faithful forever.
My 2 cents. Just love yourself more no matter what. Dont put him as the center of your life. Get support from friends or family members if needed. Talk to them. Dont kept everything to yourself. We are always here for you. Take care.
I have been following this thread since last year. I wish to share a story with you. Not that to I wanted to encourage you to leave your hb, but I deem no matter what, you will have to love yourself and your kids more from now on. Anything and everything you are going to do now, is for YOURSELF. Not for him. Try to put in effort to salvage the marriage and if you dont feel happy later on, then you will have to ponder what to do next.
The man (A), the wife (B) and the 2 girlfriends (C) and (D)
The man (A) looks like a decent man. But behind his wife (B) he is going after (C). Same like what Denise Goh said, the stories of affairs are pretty standard. The man convinced the girl friend that he is in the middle of separation with the wife. The girl trust him and they fell in love. So? The man was lying to the girl friend (C) that he loves her and sick of his own wife? Or lie to the wife that he doesnt know why he said all those stuffs? When the affair is revealed, the man is as remorseful as any other guy who had been caught. Kneel down, bring the wife travel round the world as a make up trip, lost appetite, insomnia blah blah blah and plead for another chance and forgiveness. You will never believe that beside the wife and the girlfriend (C), there's another one named (D). He is not 2 times! He is poking more girls at the same time. I do not know whether he is acting to be sorry, or what is in his mind. Can you ever trust a cheating man? For me, I dont after knowing this story. He broke up with (C) immediately after the affair revealed. Swear to the wife that he is really guilty in what he has done. End up, no one will ever expect that he is still poking his girlfriend (D) even after he promised to his wife that he will be faithful forever.
My 2 cents. Just love yourself more no matter what. Dont put him as the center of your life. Get support from friends or family members if needed. Talk to them. Dont kept everything to yourself. We are always here for you. Take care.
"i used to say very firmly that if he cheated on me, i would leave him for sure. but i guess i'm stronger than i thought i was. its easy to leave, it takes much more courage and determination to stay and tell myself to build a new life up again."
stardust, I think you did the right thing by giving both of you this chance to live life with no regrets. Imagine if you were insistent on leaving because of certain "principles" when your heart is screaming otherwise... will this man be the one you miss dearly for the rest of your life? If eventually everything turns out well, good for you, good for him, good for your kids and parents. If it doesn't, at least you know you've tried your best.
"It too shall pass"
This is what I always tell myself when I am in pain. Hope it'll serve you too. Best wishes.
stardust, I think you did the right thing by giving both of you this chance to live life with no regrets. Imagine if you were insistent on leaving because of certain "principles" when your heart is screaming otherwise... will this man be the one you miss dearly for the rest of your life? If eventually everything turns out well, good for you, good for him, good for your kids and parents. If it doesn't, at least you know you've tried your best.
"It too shall pass"
This is what I always tell myself when I am in pain. Hope it'll serve you too. Best wishes.
jellyheart
New Member
Stardust,
Can I ask how you found out about the details of him and the woman together? Just before the post where you said he slept with her.
Can I ask how you found out about the details of him and the woman together? Just before the post where you said he slept with her.
jellyheart
New Member
Stardust,
You are a very smart person, unfortunately, you are also proud and this has hindered you much of the way: you truly believe it couldn’t have been a bad judgment call from the start. You cannot blame him for lying to you, he never forced you to believe him.
So I have only one advice: the young boy is gone, don’t try to find him back. You must be in love with the man he is now.
Can you do that? Because if you can’t, the other woman can. She has shown to your husband that she can love him as he is. He knows she doesn’t love him because of how he was last time, some false memories he isn't even anymore. To him, she is the perfect one who accepts him as he is now, flaws and all. And now he has been discovered, she has dutifully backed down, whereas you are the one drawing all the rules and boundaries. Of course this is not your fault, it’s just the dynamics of the situation.
To be honest your husband is a great actor, his life is one big drama. To you he was the boyish, protective, caring boyfriend, then the responsible, loving husband. To the woman she was the special one, having met her too late, a tormented lover tied down by a loveless marriage he is unable to leave because of 2 young sons.
How could she (and anyone or that matter) not believe so, when he showed her he would be there for her no matter what, no matter wife was pregnant and alone, false contractions, confinement, in depression even seeing a counselor (even applauded by him as an effort to solve all her imagined problems), waiting for him to come home. And now, we can only guess intelligently what he has traded for her to give him this space for a while.
He has proven to her he loves her so deeply that she holds these memories dearly in her heart, believing that when the storm is over he will come back and do her right. You are human, but she is too and her heart now is aching just as much as yours.
He fought and struggled not to be exposed, but now out in the open, he has changed the act to fighting for this marriage. If you leave him, he may not be able to handle a big stage play to a suddenly overwhelming audience: his parents, colleagues and friends who respect him for being a faithful husband etc. upright man, 2 sons he will be guilty to face for the rest of his life. Acting in a small film and a blockbuster movie with unforgiving critics is a totally different thing. He can escape you, but the unforgiving critics will always be there to torment him.
Looking at your previous posts, I guess you might say deep down he is still the same guy. Yes he is, but for 13 years he had only shown you what was in one hand. Now he has opened the other and showed you what he has kept hidden in his palm all this while. As long as you face If squarely and bravely, you will be able to lead a happy life, whatever decision you take eventually.
Stardust, I don’t mean to be negative or positive, or to discourage or encourage you. You believe that if you do not live in denial, you might be miserable for the rest of your life. That is not true. When you see things as they are, it is always enlightening and easy to accept.
You are a very smart person, unfortunately, you are also proud and this has hindered you much of the way: you truly believe it couldn’t have been a bad judgment call from the start. You cannot blame him for lying to you, he never forced you to believe him.
So I have only one advice: the young boy is gone, don’t try to find him back. You must be in love with the man he is now.
Can you do that? Because if you can’t, the other woman can. She has shown to your husband that she can love him as he is. He knows she doesn’t love him because of how he was last time, some false memories he isn't even anymore. To him, she is the perfect one who accepts him as he is now, flaws and all. And now he has been discovered, she has dutifully backed down, whereas you are the one drawing all the rules and boundaries. Of course this is not your fault, it’s just the dynamics of the situation.
To be honest your husband is a great actor, his life is one big drama. To you he was the boyish, protective, caring boyfriend, then the responsible, loving husband. To the woman she was the special one, having met her too late, a tormented lover tied down by a loveless marriage he is unable to leave because of 2 young sons.
How could she (and anyone or that matter) not believe so, when he showed her he would be there for her no matter what, no matter wife was pregnant and alone, false contractions, confinement, in depression even seeing a counselor (even applauded by him as an effort to solve all her imagined problems), waiting for him to come home. And now, we can only guess intelligently what he has traded for her to give him this space for a while.
He has proven to her he loves her so deeply that she holds these memories dearly in her heart, believing that when the storm is over he will come back and do her right. You are human, but she is too and her heart now is aching just as much as yours.
He fought and struggled not to be exposed, but now out in the open, he has changed the act to fighting for this marriage. If you leave him, he may not be able to handle a big stage play to a suddenly overwhelming audience: his parents, colleagues and friends who respect him for being a faithful husband etc. upright man, 2 sons he will be guilty to face for the rest of his life. Acting in a small film and a blockbuster movie with unforgiving critics is a totally different thing. He can escape you, but the unforgiving critics will always be there to torment him.
Looking at your previous posts, I guess you might say deep down he is still the same guy. Yes he is, but for 13 years he had only shown you what was in one hand. Now he has opened the other and showed you what he has kept hidden in his palm all this while. As long as you face If squarely and bravely, you will be able to lead a happy life, whatever decision you take eventually.
Stardust, I don’t mean to be negative or positive, or to discourage or encourage you. You believe that if you do not live in denial, you might be miserable for the rest of your life. That is not true. When you see things as they are, it is always enlightening and easy to accept.
hm.. i'm not ego driven, so i wont insist on a divorce based on ego. beyond all the layers of hurt, anger, disillusionment, disappointment and a gut-wrenching pain, i love him very much still. and that is why i want to stay and start anew. many ppl who face this very same situation insist on a divorce in a fit of anger. i dont want to end up having a lifetime of regrets when all the dust has settled.
i found out the day he told me he was going to JB for dinner with his friends. i called him but no answer. on a gut instinct, i used a pay phone and called the woman. it was an overseas ring tone. i called him again repeatedly and after 10 mins, he finally answered and i asked him straight. are you with her. he acted blur and pretended not to know what i was talking about. i asked again and he tried to distract me saying he's at the customs and will be back soon. i told him to stop evading my question. are you with her - yes or no. he finally said yes. and then i told him okay,i';m leaving. and i left.
a woman;s instinct is really not something to scoff at sometimes.
i found out the day he told me he was going to JB for dinner with his friends. i called him but no answer. on a gut instinct, i used a pay phone and called the woman. it was an overseas ring tone. i called him again repeatedly and after 10 mins, he finally answered and i asked him straight. are you with her. he acted blur and pretended not to know what i was talking about. i asked again and he tried to distract me saying he's at the customs and will be back soon. i told him to stop evading my question. are you with her - yes or no. he finally said yes. and then i told him okay,i';m leaving. and i left.
a woman;s instinct is really not something to scoff at sometimes.
i'm really not sure. from what he says n when i check his phone, there's no indication that he's still in contact with her. but after being treated like a dumb fool, i have my reservations about believing whatever he says now. i have to observe for a period of time before i may be able to confidently say he's not in touch with her anymore.
i asked him when was the last time he had sex with her, he said nov - so it dawned on me that he took her to hk, and he admitted it. i saw from his phone bill that he carelessly left accessible to me that he's made calls from msia while he was supposed to be in camp. on one particular day, a call made in msia was made at 12+am, then the next call he made was 7+am. so glaringly obvious. i asked and he admitted again loh.
actually alot of the things i found out its thru my own instinct and gut feeling. but he would always cook up some convincing stories, and he played on my guilt for checking on his things so that i didnt probe too deep.
i blame my own stupid self for causing this actually. if i had been firmer in the beginning and threatened to leave, they might not have been able to drag this on for so long. i was the one who allowed them to go on and this is something i hate myself for. i had too much trust in him and when things didnt feel right, i talked myself out of those doubts. if you read back, all the friends here have warned me of that but i was so blinded my trust, and i loved him too much to want to believe that he would be this callous to me.
i asked him when was the last time he had sex with her, he said nov - so it dawned on me that he took her to hk, and he admitted it. i saw from his phone bill that he carelessly left accessible to me that he's made calls from msia while he was supposed to be in camp. on one particular day, a call made in msia was made at 12+am, then the next call he made was 7+am. so glaringly obvious. i asked and he admitted again loh.
actually alot of the things i found out its thru my own instinct and gut feeling. but he would always cook up some convincing stories, and he played on my guilt for checking on his things so that i didnt probe too deep.
i blame my own stupid self for causing this actually. if i had been firmer in the beginning and threatened to leave, they might not have been able to drag this on for so long. i was the one who allowed them to go on and this is something i hate myself for. i had too much trust in him and when things didnt feel right, i talked myself out of those doubts. if you read back, all the friends here have warned me of that but i was so blinded my trust, and i loved him too much to want to believe that he would be this callous to me.
Hi Stardust
Quote: i blame my own stupid self for causing this actually. if i had been firmer in the beginning and threatened to leave, they might not have been able to drag this on for so long. i was the one who allowed them to go on and this is something i hate myself for. i had too much trust in him and when things didnt feel right, i talked myself out of those doubts.
Please don't blame yourself for being silly and thinking that you are able to do something about it. You have to know that you are under's your husband influence and manipulation. A marriage based on love and respect from both parties do not warrant you to hold any suspcision in the first place. You have to understand that should you not had found out, they will still carry on and you will still be portrayed as your hubby as someone who dun trust him and bla bla bla. It's all his words and you chose to believe him as usual, that you are the hopelessly untrusting wife.
I mentioned to you before that relationship is not mathematics. It does not mean that 1+1=2. Does not mean that you being faithful and you will get the same back. It simply dun work that way. Values such as honesty and responsibility, integrity instilled in a married man is very important. I dun agree with your theory of which man will not get tired of eating the same good food for 13 years. Marriage is for life. It is more than the physical aspects. Marriage is a promise and a commitment to be true to each other. The daily communication, connection and expression of love all play an important role.
I asked my hubby what will be his reaction should i commit adultery, he will definitely leave me. But he will still be loving me, reason being he can't face me anymore. Cos i have betrayed him and this is him. I love him so much that I do not even allow myself to put into a situation where I will be taken advantage of, whether intentional or unintentional. True love looks into the welfare and feelings of both parties. You need to make sure your hubby gets that right, not by crying, kneeling and all those blah blah. Seriously. It's the daily expression of love, communication and being in love with each other that counts. The importance of honesty to each other and putting each other feeling's before self. Yes, in your mind, it's out of love that you gave him another chance to prove his love for you. I really hope he will make full use of that chance to rekindle the love you both shared and will walk with you through good times and bad times and hold your hands when you are old. Isn't marriage about loving each other till death do us apart and honour each other?
I believe you deserve the love in the highest form after you went through so much. Expect true love from your husband. I feel so much for you cos I'm pregnant too and had complications but my faith, hubby's and family love brings me through. I just had bone marrow test yesterday. I know how much support is needed throughout pregnancy (with/without complications) and i especially felt for you.
Also, one thing you have to know I witnessed as a child how a man can have so much affairs almost half of his life. I can't explained all to you. But i know how hurtful it is to be betrayed cos that happened to my loved one.
I wish you happiness.
God bless.
Quote: i blame my own stupid self for causing this actually. if i had been firmer in the beginning and threatened to leave, they might not have been able to drag this on for so long. i was the one who allowed them to go on and this is something i hate myself for. i had too much trust in him and when things didnt feel right, i talked myself out of those doubts.
Please don't blame yourself for being silly and thinking that you are able to do something about it. You have to know that you are under's your husband influence and manipulation. A marriage based on love and respect from both parties do not warrant you to hold any suspcision in the first place. You have to understand that should you not had found out, they will still carry on and you will still be portrayed as your hubby as someone who dun trust him and bla bla bla. It's all his words and you chose to believe him as usual, that you are the hopelessly untrusting wife.
I mentioned to you before that relationship is not mathematics. It does not mean that 1+1=2. Does not mean that you being faithful and you will get the same back. It simply dun work that way. Values such as honesty and responsibility, integrity instilled in a married man is very important. I dun agree with your theory of which man will not get tired of eating the same good food for 13 years. Marriage is for life. It is more than the physical aspects. Marriage is a promise and a commitment to be true to each other. The daily communication, connection and expression of love all play an important role.
I asked my hubby what will be his reaction should i commit adultery, he will definitely leave me. But he will still be loving me, reason being he can't face me anymore. Cos i have betrayed him and this is him. I love him so much that I do not even allow myself to put into a situation where I will be taken advantage of, whether intentional or unintentional. True love looks into the welfare and feelings of both parties. You need to make sure your hubby gets that right, not by crying, kneeling and all those blah blah. Seriously. It's the daily expression of love, communication and being in love with each other that counts. The importance of honesty to each other and putting each other feeling's before self. Yes, in your mind, it's out of love that you gave him another chance to prove his love for you. I really hope he will make full use of that chance to rekindle the love you both shared and will walk with you through good times and bad times and hold your hands when you are old. Isn't marriage about loving each other till death do us apart and honour each other?
I believe you deserve the love in the highest form after you went through so much. Expect true love from your husband. I feel so much for you cos I'm pregnant too and had complications but my faith, hubby's and family love brings me through. I just had bone marrow test yesterday. I know how much support is needed throughout pregnancy (with/without complications) and i especially felt for you.
Also, one thing you have to know I witnessed as a child how a man can have so much affairs almost half of his life. I can't explained all to you. But i know how hurtful it is to be betrayed cos that happened to my loved one.
I wish you happiness.
God bless.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Don't blame yourself nor fault the trust. Trust is needed for any relationship and marriage to function. It is simply the case of him abusing the trust. He is an adult, fully responsible about his own actions. You cannot control him, he needs to be respected. It wouldn't really be different if you had controlled him. Rather, the relationship would have been strained with the lack of respect and you will have another set of issues to deal with in the relationship.
i still believe that there must be something wrong with me that forced him to run to the arms of, or in his case, in between the legs, of another woman. but he simply refuses to tell me what, n keeps insisting it was his fault. he wants to close this chapter just like that n move on with our lives as usual. but i simply cant do it, at least not now. but i know he's losing his patience with me. sooner or later i'll drive him away with my inability to find it in my heart to forgive him for this grievious hurt. but he's not helping me..he keeps tellin me that we can file for divorce if i find it too hard to live with him. i've arranged to meet my parents for dinner n possibly a friend later in the night, but when he said 'so i dont have to be back home tonight? i can go out right?' i didnt want to let him go, n he started to accuse me of being controlling. he said he knows he hurt me very deeply but i keep rubbing in on his wounds. he says he doesnt want to see me cry because it makes him sad, but the way he responds doesnt feel sad, he's just frustrated. i know i shouldt push him to his limits, and i feel so sad that i'm driving him up the walll,but i cant be logical now.. i feel like a wounded animal lashing out at any attempts of help, and i feel so lonely. why cant he love me more to try harder to bring me back, to heal my heart again?
stardust, yes u are in the wrong previousily for trusting him too much. Thinking that he will never betrayed u. Maybe u are too confidence in yourself that u are the prefect wife.
That is when the opporunity and temptation come in and he grab it at the first chance.
even now he can love u as much as possible but u still will never trust him again. There are still things in your mind that's not clear yet hence u still feel the insecurity.
That is when the opporunity and temptation come in and he grab it at the first chance.
even now he can love u as much as possible but u still will never trust him again. There are still things in your mind that's not clear yet hence u still feel the insecurity.
joiedevivre
New Member
stardust,
your husband doesn't think that he is in the wrong... do you know that? he may say that it is all "his fault" but i think his actions show how he really feels. if he was really feeling sorry about what he did, would he still be wanting to spend the night out and accusing you of "controlling" him?
don't be a lovefool. i don't know any decent husband who after having an affair and being found out, still wants to spend the night out.
he says he wants to close the chapter and move on from the affair. so he expects you to instantly forget a betrayal? of the two of you, who do you think is being unreasonable?
i think you've been giving in to him too often, such that he is trying to bully you and make it seem as though you're responsible for what he did. and the worse thing is, you're believing what he says.
is he open to going for a counselling session with you? if he is sincere about wanting you back, BOTH of you have to repair the marriage together. at the moment, it seems that he is just trying to impose a silence on the issue. but it requires more than silence to repair trust that has been unbroken.
i still think you should seriously consider divorce. for yourself and for the sake of your children.
though your husband has admitted that he is the wrong, he still wants to go out and have his fun. sounds like there could be a "repeat" of what happened, if you ask me. from your point of view, are you able to visualise that life can get better for your family? how confident are you that it won't happen again?
depression is not just an emotional or mental issue... over time, it will take its toil on your physical health... and it's been proven that depression can be a contributing factor to serious illnesses.
i don't claim to know a lot, but you can verify with your doctor regarding the physical repercussions of being stuck in prolonged depression.
both you and your hubby should be more decisive. work together as a team and get help to save your marriage. an affair is just the symptom that something is wrong, so in order for it to not happen again, both of you have to address the problems that led to the affair.
either that, or just end it. he has brought up divorce so i believe it is on his mind as well. it is an option, and may well be better for both of you since both of you actually don't seem to have very compatible goals or values.
your husband doesn't think that he is in the wrong... do you know that? he may say that it is all "his fault" but i think his actions show how he really feels. if he was really feeling sorry about what he did, would he still be wanting to spend the night out and accusing you of "controlling" him?
don't be a lovefool. i don't know any decent husband who after having an affair and being found out, still wants to spend the night out.
he says he wants to close the chapter and move on from the affair. so he expects you to instantly forget a betrayal? of the two of you, who do you think is being unreasonable?
i think you've been giving in to him too often, such that he is trying to bully you and make it seem as though you're responsible for what he did. and the worse thing is, you're believing what he says.
is he open to going for a counselling session with you? if he is sincere about wanting you back, BOTH of you have to repair the marriage together. at the moment, it seems that he is just trying to impose a silence on the issue. but it requires more than silence to repair trust that has been unbroken.
i still think you should seriously consider divorce. for yourself and for the sake of your children.
though your husband has admitted that he is the wrong, he still wants to go out and have his fun. sounds like there could be a "repeat" of what happened, if you ask me. from your point of view, are you able to visualise that life can get better for your family? how confident are you that it won't happen again?
depression is not just an emotional or mental issue... over time, it will take its toil on your physical health... and it's been proven that depression can be a contributing factor to serious illnesses.
i don't claim to know a lot, but you can verify with your doctor regarding the physical repercussions of being stuck in prolonged depression.
both you and your hubby should be more decisive. work together as a team and get help to save your marriage. an affair is just the symptom that something is wrong, so in order for it to not happen again, both of you have to address the problems that led to the affair.
either that, or just end it. he has brought up divorce so i believe it is on his mind as well. it is an option, and may well be better for both of you since both of you actually don't seem to have very compatible goals or values.
confused09
New Member
dear stardust,
you're still grasping for straws now.
imo this has nothing to do with your lack of excitement or understanding.
this has nothing to do with you.
he has shown the 2 worst possible qualities a partner can possess, lying & cheating.
these traits were inherent in him long ago, and it has taken a while for them to surface. like one forumer has thoughtfully pointed out, what's inherent in everyone will surface sooner or later. now he has shown you the other side of him.
so show some guts and walk out. disengage completely.
not permanently, but for a period of time. 3 months, 6 months, sit on your arse and do nothing but getting back your life, your career, your health. do without the drama, the kneeling, the crying and begging... forget all of that. just live your life with your kids, on your own with your folks. cease contact with him.
it has been 13 years. what's 3 months compared to 13 years?
just wait and see whether he shows any sincerity during this period of time.
your gut instincts were right the first time round so don't ignore them again.
and even if deep down inside you still want him to come back to you, sometimes you have to drop someone completely before it's possible to get them back. ironic i know... but since you've already arrived at the worst case scenario, only something drastic can effect a change at all.
please consider it over. done and dusted. let him go out tonight and every other night. let him file the papers if he so wishes.
get a grip and move on. let him go and live his life the way he wants.
this is his journey and his making. respect his choice. this is his human right.
he has the right to fvck it up the way he wants to.
yours is uniquely yours alone.
don't talk to him anymore.
don't analyze his words and behaviour anymore.
don't indulge in those psychoanalyzing about the past.
what you have is today.
do take a break. start by going on a holiday, get a massage, get a tan, do pilates, enjoy yourself. the emotional relief will follow soon after.
accept everything that happened and let go... only when you make the conscious choice of letting go, then will you be free from the pain and turmoil.
just my 2 cents worth.
you're still grasping for straws now.
imo this has nothing to do with your lack of excitement or understanding.
this has nothing to do with you.
he has shown the 2 worst possible qualities a partner can possess, lying & cheating.
these traits were inherent in him long ago, and it has taken a while for them to surface. like one forumer has thoughtfully pointed out, what's inherent in everyone will surface sooner or later. now he has shown you the other side of him.
so show some guts and walk out. disengage completely.
not permanently, but for a period of time. 3 months, 6 months, sit on your arse and do nothing but getting back your life, your career, your health. do without the drama, the kneeling, the crying and begging... forget all of that. just live your life with your kids, on your own with your folks. cease contact with him.
it has been 13 years. what's 3 months compared to 13 years?
just wait and see whether he shows any sincerity during this period of time.
your gut instincts were right the first time round so don't ignore them again.
and even if deep down inside you still want him to come back to you, sometimes you have to drop someone completely before it's possible to get them back. ironic i know... but since you've already arrived at the worst case scenario, only something drastic can effect a change at all.
please consider it over. done and dusted. let him go out tonight and every other night. let him file the papers if he so wishes.
get a grip and move on. let him go and live his life the way he wants.
this is his journey and his making. respect his choice. this is his human right.
he has the right to fvck it up the way he wants to.
yours is uniquely yours alone.
don't talk to him anymore.
don't analyze his words and behaviour anymore.
don't indulge in those psychoanalyzing about the past.
what you have is today.
do take a break. start by going on a holiday, get a massage, get a tan, do pilates, enjoy yourself. the emotional relief will follow soon after.
accept everything that happened and let go... only when you make the conscious choice of letting go, then will you be free from the pain and turmoil.
just my 2 cents worth.
confused09
New Member
it's understandable why you wish to relinquish control over him by monitoring his emails, phone calls and social activities. it's palpable why you think you will feel more balanced by having him by your side. by making him jump through hoops to show his sincerity again.
it happens to all of us.
we want to regain that control as soon as an unexpected event happens. but please understand... that his behaviour and his choices... are beyond your control. what you can change is your own. what you can do, is be aware of your own state of mind. the need to possess, relive happy experiences and the romantic past are mistakes most of us make in human to human relationships...
sometimes it is best to experience, let go of it all and live in the now. think about what you have now and treasure it.
don't dwell on the past anymore.
it happens to all of us.
we want to regain that control as soon as an unexpected event happens. but please understand... that his behaviour and his choices... are beyond your control. what you can change is your own. what you can do, is be aware of your own state of mind. the need to possess, relive happy experiences and the romantic past are mistakes most of us make in human to human relationships...
sometimes it is best to experience, let go of it all and live in the now. think about what you have now and treasure it.
don't dwell on the past anymore.
jellyheart
New Member
Stardust, now that his affair has been discovered and all the lies exposed, your husband no longer feels the need to be the perfect husband to you (in front of you), since in your mind, he's already tarnished. This not your fault, it is a fact and nothing can change that. It will take years to bring things back to before but you can only go through this with love and patience. The reason why most marriages don't survive infidelity is because most (I dare not say all) infidelity happens precisely because love and patience were not there in the first place. You will need to call back these 2 things that were lost and this takes sacrifice and a lot of heart.
I really wished that upon your discovery he would realise what he almost lost and take the chance to treasure it. But now, look at the way things are... even when on the verge of losing you, he talks about divorce and even has the cruelty to put sarcasm where he knows you are in most pain.
Anyway stardust, you are only 28, with 2 children, and have your whole life ahead of you. I'm sure you can come out of it on your own, better and stronger.. and maybe by then you'll be out here giving some others good advice... =)
I really wished that upon your discovery he would realise what he almost lost and take the chance to treasure it. But now, look at the way things are... even when on the verge of losing you, he talks about divorce and even has the cruelty to put sarcasm where he knows you are in most pain.
Anyway stardust, you are only 28, with 2 children, and have your whole life ahead of you. I'm sure you can come out of it on your own, better and stronger.. and maybe by then you'll be out here giving some others good advice... =)
stardust,
it'll be weird if those philandering guys had wives like u... they will be going out to screw around and back home, wife blaqmingherself and wondering why...
what do u wanna hear? the girl gives fantastic blowjos? she's willing to have a threesome with another girl? she's alot more athletic?
some things dun have reasons as complicated as u think, some guys are not as deep n spiritual as u think.
for all u know he has a mtyr syndrome and the rewards are simply great sex.
it'll be weird if those philandering guys had wives like u... they will be going out to screw around and back home, wife blaqmingherself and wondering why...
what do u wanna hear? the girl gives fantastic blowjos? she's willing to have a threesome with another girl? she's alot more athletic?
some things dun have reasons as complicated as u think, some guys are not as deep n spiritual as u think.
for all u know he has a mtyr syndrome and the rewards are simply great sex.