Devastated....Failed Marriage

danielle367

New Member
Momoftwo, I am making plans to start filing. I made an appointment to see someone tomorrow about that. I am not here to ask for opinions what should i do. You misread my posts. Hence, no validation of my decision is necessary. However, support for my decision will be valuable.

In my first post, I said "my world is about to be ripped apart." I can't do it alone. Why?

In the past, I also started with the paper work, but I was convinced otherwise by well-meaning folks around not to proceed. The guy at home was not making it easier. I have a large part of my life here which I will have to remove. The pain is great. I caved in and went back to status quo. Three times.

I need moral support later. For now, i have to explain why i need them because you guys who do not know me are asking me why. But if it works, later on, i will have some place to run to for me to cry my eyes out. A shoulder for me. It is going to be long. That is the real part of moral support which I will need.

I can't have people telling me its best you walk out, but walk out and go regret what you miss.

If that be it, then it is best I go away from this forum.
 


danielle367

New Member
Momoftwo, well, you could have asked me to define what moral support I need, in the first place. I just answered. See post above.

Abandonment is a strong word. You can say my dad abandoned me recently and for the time being. There is hope he will come around. But I don't feel abandoned. Feeling abandoned is like a child thing. I am an adult now. I won't say I feel abandoned by my dad. I see him like an equal now, as adult as I am. I see it not as abandonment but more like an estranged relationship.

My husband did not abandon me. I don't know where you get that notion from. He is emotionally absent. But physically and every part of him is still here.
 

momoftwo

Member
Danielle.

3 women sits at a bar.
1 is unhappily married
1 is divorced.
1 is a widow.

Each envy the next. Unhappily married envy the divorced. Divorced envy the widow. Widow envy the unhappily married.
 

danielle367

New Member
I don't envy anyone, momoftwo. Maybe the guy next door who owns several properties in central part of town area. Other than that, no.

I don't envy the divorced nor the married. My divorced friends have got lots of anger and hate issues. My married friends have got lots of 'arghh!! How to get through today!' problems. Each will have their own sets of problems. The grass is always greener on the other side.

I am now at one side and the grass in my field is giving me a bad stomach. I have to eat from elsewhere. That's all. Sounds easy, but so hard to move. I'd never managed beyond a few weeks. One was two weeks. Longest was four weeks. Now I am on medication for depression. The odds are against me.

And good morning. Having a nice breakfast before meeting my shrink.
 

antman

New Member
Hi Danielle,
Go and get a DVD titled : The Story Of US
Starring Bruce Willis & Michelle
Pfeiffer

Hope u will see the whole picture...in the end
 

tomasulu

Member
Man this mot has a savagery that's only matched by her reading dyslexia. I am convinced she is albee's evil altered ego - only someone who has adopted an online persona can be so obstinately, extremely and consistently wrong.
 

npyl

Member
Hi Danielle,

I am in a very similar situation as yourself. I am at a cross road of to salvage or to exit. Nearly 40 years old now, have been with him for almost 18 years and nothing comes of it. But he is the one that always ask for separation and this is the 3rd time. Most probably I will agree to whatever he wants.

My friends are all happily married and I cannot really relate with them. When I go out with them, they will be talking non-stop about their husband and kids. Therefore I have declined gatherings.

Can PM me if you need to talk.
 

momoftwo

Member
Danielle,
Are you seeking a part of your life that is missing because of your past choices ?

You married young, had a kid very young.
You never had the chance to live a Single Adult life, dating many different men.
Are you hoping to find this missing piece to make you feel whole ?
 

momoftwo

Member
npyl,
Don't be a fool.
What you need now is someone to pull you out of that funk.
Not another depressed woman to give you that nudge towards eternal misery.

Misery loves company, that's a proven fact.

Like a bunch of teenage jackass triple daring each other to commit stupid acts.
 

scopefun

New Member
Both of you fools... LOL~

You think NPYL will listen?

Yeah she'd try to listen... but it's already in her to reject 'normal company'...

Telling an insane to do sane things is... rather ridiculous. You'd have to fix her problem first... ie if you do have access to her CPU and 'Windows' in her brains...

You don't.
 

npyl

Member
I know sooner or later I will be able to accept "normal company" but is just not now. Not when the wound is raw. Just want someone that I can relate to. Be it people that have been through or going through currently.

For "normal company", is it always have to be on husband and kids? Can't the topic be on the recent by election, their work?

Think I am not making sense.
 

scopefun

New Member
Momoftwo,

LOL~

Yeah, I am a fool. LOL~

Why not?

Hero dies first... ...

There is nothing sensual about Danielle, I am very interested in how she grows up... not because she is suspected of childhood trauma or what fug...

I am more curious in the way she is brought up... her relationship with her parents, for eg. Usually, this type of cases have some issues with their parents... ...

Npyl,

There are many people in this world who have gone through communication breakdowns, relationship problems, and even funny funny issues...

Look at Danielle, you didn't catch her? She did try to talk about it, but she couldn't connect... And you want to connect with a self-confessed depressed case?

LOL~

Everybody is talking about by-election... ...

I can't be bothered about the world's thots...
 

momoftwo

Member
ScopeGuy, not only are you a steadfast fool, you are also an ignorant fool.

Do you know how to use the "search" function ? Try it.
 

danielle367

New Member
Hi Antxie, thanks. I will go check it out
happy.gif
 

scopefun

New Member
Danielle,

You do know who to trust... such as your husband whom you are now busy divorcing... LOL~

Why do you think I am in this forum...

So entertaining...
 

danielle367

New Member
Momoftwo, i had never said my current husband was my first boyfriend.

I am not seeking anything you said. Platonic friendships will guys are perfectly fine with me. I don't have hang ups on my choices nor am i trying to compensate anything I don't have. I am not the kind which you said is looking for something to make me whole. If not, how will I tell you my preferred lifestyle would be single hood. Please read my posts carefully before you comment.

You can interpret it as denial as you wish. I have no objections how you perceive me. You might be fitting me into some stereotypes in your brain. That is something I won't want to convince you about. It's all up to you.

We are human and we all make mistakes (if you are referring to my premarital sex). Just because I didn't abort my kid/keep it a secret from the whole world does not make me a fool. I still completed my studies and built a career. I married the man I love in my senior high. I said before in my previous posts I usually know what I want and I am a go-getter. Yes, even then, I knew that was what I had wanted.
 

scopefun

New Member
See Momoftwo,

Just dangle all those carrots to go-getters, and you will them... flying into your bed.

Smart women... LOL~

When women tell you they know what they want, better use your d|ck to believe...

But what Danielle now thinks she really wants is to get a divorce...

Who knows what she wants next...?
 

momoftwo

Member
Danielle, seem u hav rationalized everything .

So, no regrets walking through that door, yes ?

Good for you. It's time you set him free.

Good luck and all the best !

Come back and share your adventure one year from now.
 

momoftwo

Member
Danielle, post your hubby's contact leh.

Surely there must be tons of takers willing to have such a great guy for a partner.

One man's poison is another man's sweet sweet wine. For this case, women.

Please reuse, reduce, recycle. Thank you for your support.
 

danielle367

New Member
momoftwo, I came in for moral support from fellow users of this blog, as i kept saying. I do not have the strength to go through a divorce by myself, as I have done so in the past.

I will decide to use this blog as and when it deems fit for me, not after I have finished my divorce.

But thanks for trying to help. If your help is not accepted by others, please don't join the 'fools' to mock and LOL.

The choice is ultimately mine, just like you rightly said so that your principles pertains how you treat others. You dont have to agree with what they do, but you certainly dont have to dictate how they want to live their life.

Accept me as I am, as I believe, since you are quoting from Jewish texts you might be embracing Judaism, that your religion teaches you that your God accepts you as you are, with flaws and imperfections and all.

Thank you.
 

momoftwo

Member
Danielle, my LOLs are specifically reserved for ScopeGuy.

You need to recover from your depression FIRST before you make any life changing decisions that will affect not just you, but the people around you whom you care about.

I know how depression is like, I've walked that path before. I had dark clouds hanging over my head for many years. The world closing around me, suffocating, trapped. Post-Natal Depression. It is real.

You can get through this depression.
You are strong enough to do so.

Your husband does not know how to help you, he can only be as patience as possible. But everyone has their limits. Do not push it too far.
 

momoftwo

Member
Danielle, I am not a follower of any religion. I question too much, I do not believe in blind faith. But I believe in a higher power, one that I refused to give a name.

You can call me whatever you want, but people like me are Agnostics.

I read much, to understand what I do not know. The more I know, the more I realize how much I don't know.
 

powder

Active Member
danielle,

when i look at Life... the picture tends to be abit clearer... who has moved, who hasn't, who has move in which direction, who has regressed.

who we were when we were 18, 21, 28, 35... basically the 'milestones' in life... some of it has changed... whilst most of us still have our core values, i think Who we are changes becos of where we went, what we went thru, where we Want To see ourselves.

of cos, it's almost a moot point - my paragraph above... but i think it's worth a re-visit. Cos i have read thru all your posts and wanna place it, but then it's not 'placeable' in the sense that it's so fundamental... it's really not as complicated - as Just You Always Knowing What You Want. problem with knowing what we want is - Where we're at... i guess it's no different from being an eagle in a cage as a home.

u've been flying and soaring, always mindful to return back to the cage... maybe it's time to fly and soar and rest on the cliffs and not return to the cage. there are some pple who just isn't suited to be weighed down... (dun be too hard on yourself for choices u made early in life - if u feel they no longer count as being your core values. personally i dun view marriage vows in the same degree for 21yr-olds, 25yr-olds and 35yr-olds... some pple do not really know who they are yet... they are stiill undefined as individuals but define themselves more as a couple)

reminds me of Legends of The Fall... i think whether it be You having a higher purpose for Self or Life.. he having a stronger resistance and being more hardened... it doesn't matter.

for me marriage only boils down to whether or not we still wanna walk together in life... if only 1 party wants it, it Cannot happen. it can only happen if both parties still wanna do it... and even if both party does it - one day that will change.

things may have been perfect years ago... but since then u may have developed a zest for life and embracing it... sorta like Living It! whilst for him he may have developed a strong fighting spirit to deal with life and its issues... like a true survivor. both are enviable and marriage can only happen if it was a non-inclusive one... but i dun think that it wat You want.

Pls soar... your Life awaits, set in different horizons...
 

powder

Active Member
at points of discussions, this is almost like a very convicted monogamous married lady, trying to convince an admittedly-polygamous man that he should marry.

both can co-exist, else we'd be having religious wars every other day.
 

watching

Member
Dear Momoftwo.. Danielle is saying is emotional detachment and apathy are his vices. The inability to associate himself feeling-wise as a spouse is a struggle for the other half.

With girlfriends or potential girlfriends, we'd like them to be a bit engaged or we'd seek less contact, what's more with partners ? (rhetorical)
 

watching

Member
Danielle needs a more tailored response, Antxie. But cannot bank on someone like me responding...hee hee.

Some think it's about men who are not "in sync" emotionally with women. "Emotional detachment" (the detrimental type) is a clinical term....not to be confused with the male gender stereotype who are not in tuned with their feelings. To add on, I don't quite think the solution is to be intuitive being the wife.
 

susanna_low

New Member
Danielle, does he treat others the same too? Have u ever tried writing to him?

Have u told him ur decision yet? Sorry for not able to give good advice as its my first time to hear a guy who's devoid of feelings,

However search ur heart n if the heart tell u it's the right thing to do, just go for it.

U r responsible for your own happiness, I'm not sure sharing this will help u to walk out of depression.

I've placed happiness as the priority in life. Health comes first followed by happiness. Even if its my last day on earth, I die with a smile.whatever negative thoughts come to you, ward off with a smile, shake it off. Don't let it clouded u.

Stay positive , it influence the ppl ard u. This is my belief.
 

watching

Member
Danielle nor her counsellor called it, "emotional detachment". It was my call but I think that is what she is (or they are) saying.

Danielle's husband is not devoid of feelings, Ting Yi. He just cannot connect emotionally with others.
 

danielle367

New Member
Hi guys,

Knocked off late from office today. Thanks for all your input.

Powder,

Thank you. Your above post is beautifully and charmingly done, much like poetry. And you added a philosophical slant to it as well.

You are right in that what we want changes with time and according to our stages in our lives. I agree. Back then, settling down was what i had wanted. Now, it is time I look squarely at my marriage and face it, so that I can live a better tomorrow.

I have a clear definition of who I am as an individual. But i am mindful of the roles i play in my marriage, in my office and the list goes on. Wrt to my role in my marriage, I said my vows and I do not treat my words flippantly. If it is "till death do us part" then LET'S DO THIS!! I wish to honour my word, big or small, unless of course I really can't anymore. Then I am so sorry. Hence, I believe in monogamy and cannot do otherwise. Unless there are no vows, just friends with benefits, then it is a different story.

You are also right that in a marriage, if only one party wants it, then it cannot be done. Yeah, that's what my problem is, precisely.

And lol I wasnt convincing you to go get married, dude! Be who you want to be. Be happy, just as I am working towards happiness myself.

And thanks for your very encouraging post. Really. Inspirational, I must say.
 

danielle367

New Member
Hi watching,

I appreciate your inputs. It is so strange that I am getting more guys than girls here understanding what I am saying. Perhaps this site has got more guys visiting, I don't know.

You said can't bank on somene like you. Well, we are all not medical people. My husband needs professional help. But you showed sufficent insight to understand what I am going through. That is good enough for me.

happy.gif
 

danielle367

New Member
Hi Antxie,

Thanks for the link above. I watched a bit and will try to finish it later or tommorow. Might need to turn in soon. Didn't sleep a wink last night lol.

Antxie, so far you seem to be encouraging me to relook at my decision. I am not sure I can go through all that again, seriously.

But thanks for your response. Really appreciate.
 

danielle367

New Member
Ting Yi,

Yes, I only started realising that when we stayed together and I started noticing his interaction with our friends. He hides behind a veil of charisma, tons of facts and news and puns, as well as a huge sense of humor that frequently send everyone rolling on the floor laughing, literally. He is seriously damned funny and I love all his jokes a lot a lot. That is what i will be missing too. But after many many times of observation, I realised that that is all he has. Its his personality - as in a persona. Beneath that, lies an inability to touch his emotions, or simply put, a serious character flaw. Sometimes it's not what a person says, it's what a person not saying that speaks a lot more about him. I learnt that a bit late, didn't I?

Yup, tried writing too. Emailing. Fb chatting. All failed.

My counsellor, which is also our second marriage counsellor, who is different from his personal counsellor, is of the opinion that he is a very very sensitive person. Something in his very young past hurt him so bad that he had to shut his emotional life completely in order to survive the pain. Now, he can't come to grasp with his present issues and his marriage, and he is paying a high price for it. It is immensely painfully for him to even say the word 'I feel ...' He tried but he cannot. I saw him trying. It will turn into an anger outburst instead. It is too hard for him. There is a place for psychologists and counsllors for this type of things. You and I can't reach him.

"is he aware of my decision?" - please read my posts since sat jan 26, 2013 - 3.01pm. I have posted a lot and I rather not repeat myself.

The main reason I kept caving in in the past is because of my own character traits. I can't do this to someone. It runs against my nature. I am a "good friend who will stand by you through thick and thin" type of person. What more a marriage vow. So, .... my delimna and pain as well.

Thanks, Ting Yi, for your concern.
 

danielle367

New Member
And watching, I couldnt make out if you are male or female from your profile. So I assume you are male. Lol about the aubergine :D
 

watching

Member
Paiseh....I deleted that aubergine post, now your comment looks weird.

I think my gender is crystal clear on my profile as of now.
 

antman

New Member
Hi D - I'm like yr husband who kept all the emotion within myself. Cos I hv issue within me. I try very hard not to hinder my wife....career .....not letting her worries. I m old school...I tot I was doing the right thing.....but I am wrong. Now she is seeing another man. N wants to divorce me. We hv 2 kids.
I hv come to realise from the forum...the words, languages of each individual here uses...........we guys are logical creature (we do not know how to express our inner feeling) while ladies need emotional feeling of being loved to justified. Bottom line - deep down we still do love each other.... It is just we lost ourselves on the way as we grow old....we are protecting each other from getting hurt ourselves.......always seeking validation n assumption ....is very wrong....... and in the end we do not see our mistake of being MYSELF ( wat I Want to see, feel, hear) a selfish person always thinking I m correct/right. The WE just disappear....we kill the Conversation with our very hand.
 

powder

Active Member
i have my set of principles too... but i do think that we might eventually fall flat on some of them, nomatter how right we think we are.... i guess the acid test of principles is whether it's make us proud, or make us look back with a tinge of pity.. as we lie on our deathbeds taking stock of the life we've lived.

we age, like it or not... we lose value in romantic physical aspects as we exchange them for Wisdom in ways of the world...

i'd still like to believe in the magic of christmas, the joys of giving, the wonders of Life.... rather than be so wise that it'd be a poor excuse for my cynicism. i'd like to think i've tried it all and lived a fuller life than most...

herein lies another difference... A Fuller Life... spiritually? experiences? success? jobs? friends we've met? places we've travelled? we'd be foolish to live by Other pple's definition instead of our own...
 

momoftwo

Member
Watching,
Find me a guy who is capable of "emotional attachment" to a woman's feeling.

Really, find me one and I will also divorce my husband immediately.

This emotionally engaged guy..
He can't be gay.
He can't be a emotional wreck.

A man can only TRY to understand a woman.

The problem with Danielle is she has limited experience with men on a longer term basis.

Every outside FLING/romance she had was short lived. None went past the honeymoon period. ( except the one with her husband).

She's living in a fantasy.
 


momoftwo

Member
Danielle,

Stop blaming your husband for your desire to foul your marriage.

That man is innocent. He has done no wrong to you. His only short coming is his inability to think like a woman.

Everyone in his life seem to betray him in the end.

His parents abused him, you his wife treats him like a trash, to be used and discarded.

That man deserves better.

So what he is emotionally frigid. He is still a great guy for a husband.

He tolerated your shit for 20 years.

Set him free. Stop being cruel.

You Danielle is just a very SELFISH woman.

Any guy who had to live with a nutcase like you for 20 years will eventually have to become "emotionally detached" to protect their sanity.

You've had issues all along, it's only recently you got diagnosed.
 

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