Devastated....Failed Marriage

[momoftwo]

Danielle, you are feeling lonely in your marriage ?

Some times its ok to be the driver.. instead of being driven all the time.

He cannot relate to you, and he never will. Simply because he is a man, you are a woman.

Just as you can never be able to relate to him, because you are not a man.

 

[danielle367]

Hi monoftwo, emotionally not available. Well, let me illustrate my point:

Me: Can you believe that SOB boss of mine asked me to take over THAT project? That one that is a sinking ship?!! No one wants to touch it and I already told him last week I am up to my neck with all the board papers! That ass!
Him: (He looked at me while i was talking. Silence. Followed by) Heard the news today? There is this girl from Dehli who was raped by 6 guys (shaking head)
Me: (What? This is like the zillionth time it's happening. No no, i don't want to start another argument again. I really need to get my board paper going) Yeah, i heard. (I stood up and walked towards my laptop. He stood up and turn on the tv for the latest BPL news updates. He is a Man U fan. I am arsenal's)

 

[danielle367]

Hi monoftwo, you are right there. I am lonely in my marriage.

I can relate with guys in general. Most guys are normal and adequately emotionally in touch. I am not asking for the sky. Two friendships with guys found me realising how normal guys can be and how abnormal my man is.

Worse, I ended up romantically involved with them, while married. I don't believe in going third party way, so I initiated the break-ups. Followed by a decison not to have personal sharing with guys while I deal with this one on hand first.

I am not looking for perfect understanding from my spouse. No one can. Boys will always be boys. Just a bridge to connect at some level. I couldn't find it. Neither can he. He comes from an abusive family. He lost something back there. He is a handicapped man.

 

[momoftwo]

Danielle,

I see.
If he were to reply with ... "OMG ! That martherfarker ! What an ass, he's a heartless freak of a boss.. tell him to go eat shit !! Come, lets go for a spa treatment and then head to the temple so we can " dah xiao ren" !"

Is that what you are hoping to get from him ?
Well.. sorry.. you'll be disappointed.. because only a woman will do that for you.

Do spare your husband the agony of your negativity.

He just wants to live a peaceful life, but you are bombarding him with all the anger that is totally IRRELEVANT to him.

Your husband is not your emotional DUMPING ground leh.

So, may I know... how do you relate to him ?

 

[danielle367]

Monoftwo, also the question you asked me "Are you feeling lonely in your marriage?"

You used the word 'feel'. He never ever use such a word. It's not in his lexicon.

You asked me a question that showed you understand what i am feeling about. I am guessing you are a guy. If so, you are a normal regular guy. The guy I am living with will not comprehend such a situation nor sum it so precisely with a such a good question.

Of course if you are not a guy, then please treat my current post as irrelevant.

But thanks a lot for your comments. Yeah, I appreciate all the concerned replies from you guys here.

 

[momoftwo]

Those guys that you had affairs with are able to relate to you emotionally ? How ?

Are you and your husband still having sex ?

 

[momoftwo]

I am a mom of two kids. The last time I checked , there wasn't a penis down there.

Men are not feeling creatures.
I mean they know exactly how they feel inside themselves.. but they cannot feel how we feel inside because they cannot read our minds.

if they are they are most likely GAY. No offense to gays, I have gay friends too.. and it's true, I can relate to these gay friends way better than I can relate to my husband.

I think you need some gay friends to know exactly what I mean.

 

[momoftwo]

Danielle, do you want to be happy ?

Do you want to be in control of your happiness ? Instead of waiting for someone else to make you happy.

You know you are capable of making yourself happy, right ?

 

[danielle367]

Hi monoftwo,

I can't relate to him. I wish I can be there to share his life and his ups and downs but I can't. He doesnt let me.

He does not share anything with me. He will do his yelling in the shower and all the anger tantrums and f***-ing talk kicking his chair and everything in his study. I pop in and ask 'is everything alright?' he will look at me with a straight face and say 'yeah' turn back to his study and continue typing peacefully at his keyboard. I have no clue what happened to his day or what is happening in his mind or what is happening in his life.

He doesn't want to relate with me. Neither does he wants me to relate with him.

The scenario I posted is just an example. I talk to both sexes of my pubbing friends in the same manner. In fact, that how we talk. The husbands of my girl friends in my pub group, when they hear me, if I talk something angry about my boss like that, will acknowledge as in 'So you are saying your boss is a complete jerk lol?!' and i will laugh and yeah that's all I ask.

It may not be always anger. In a marriage it can be anything. Like when i lost a family member. It is grief. It can also be something hurtful someone in office do. A lunch partner who stab you from behind. Loss of a friendship. Or a happy thing thst happen. Anything. But i can't share them with him. His response is a non-response.

Like you pointed out, he just want peace and he does not want anything, that is irrelevant to him. Period. Yeah, you are right. Truth hurts. But you are right. I should just let him lead the life that he wants and not share my stuff with him which is not relevant to him.

 

[danielle367]

Hi momoftwo,

To your post "Those guys that you had affairs with are able to relate with you emotionally? How? Are you and your husband still having sex?"

Firstly, wrt those 2 guys, we haven't reach the stage of bedding each other yet, but being romantically involved with others is a marriage wrecker already. They are married too. Someone has to pull the brakes.

I can deal with guys. I mentioned in my earlier posts that I prefer guys. They don't have to say all the very supportive words girls can, yeah, but if they care you can feel it. Their response and talk maybe a different language but I can deal with that. I was very close to my dad when I was young. Perhaps that explains why I can see concern from a man's eyes and hear the words 'I care' even if no such words were uttered but it is presented in a boy's way.

Nope, sex has left many years ago. He had to work out of town for a while and after that when he returned, we just lost it.

 

[danielle367]

Hi momoftwo,

To your post 'I am a mother of two kids ....'

LOLOL about the penis check.

There are a great many qualities in guys. There are less prone to oversensitivoty, more fun, more logical, cooler in the face of crisis and lots more. Most of them can care. Unless we are talking about those of our fathers and grandfathers borned during WWII, those are outdated and MCPs and yeah, there are still quite a few strutting around. But for those who are progressing with the times, our guys this age are less obnoxious and more amicable.

It's how the women draws them out, or so I believe. We have lots of 'tricks' up our sleeves, don't you realise? As for me, i always go for the hot buttons. That always work for me. And efficiently so. Whether its with colleagues or staff workwise, platonic pub friends, or the two guys I was romantically linked with: you get to know them, yank it and walk, and they will follow. (You should know I am not referring to anything sexual here)

But I have pulled all my 'tricks' on this one guy for so long, I have used up everything. Nope. No more bunnies coming out of my hat.

PS: Lest anyone comment that I am playing with tricks or playing with relationships, this is not the case. Read in context. I am talking about how I communicate across the sexual divide. I am talking about motivation. I do not play with relationships. I treat each of them, and each of you as well, seriously.

 

[danielle367]

Hi momoftwo, again,

In your post "I am a mom of two kids ..."

You said they (guys) know exactly how they feel inside them. Then let me say this: my current husband does not. He is emotionally handicapped. He can't reach within and grab an emotion. He can't do it. He is too damaged from his past. Or a least that's what appears to me.

Because he is emotionally absent to deal with his daily emotions (I know this sounds ridiculous), hence his inability to face his emotions automatically negate an ability to recognise mine, his spouse, which he claims he loves dearly.

Okay, my situation is quite peculiar for most of you. It's like you married a spouse you love, the next day you wake up to find he had suffered a stroke and is paralysisd from neck down. He is handicapped. From neck down, he is dead. Do you divorce him? He lies there and says he still loves you. Do you divorce him? He will do everything from laundry to cooking to everything, please don't go. He cries. Will you divorce him? Damned! My life is so screwed.

 

[danielle367]

And to momoftwo, yet again, 

To your post "Danielle, do you want to be happy? ...." 

Yes, i want to be happy. I just couldnt leave this man behind, on my own strength. I do not have the strength to do it alone. Repeating my same approach in the past, when i go for it alone, is not going to yield a different results this time. As Einstein has said "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

While trying to leave and failing thrice last many years, I am also a believer of creating your own happiness in other areas of my life. Marriage aside, i am in control of my life. I took a second degree on a part-time basis on a subject matter that I was very interested in, while working. The juggling of work and studies took up most of my waking hours. Then I went on to start and finish my postgrad studies, while working. I knew it would be tough but I went for it because that was what I wanted.

I learnt the piano, something I wanted to do since young. I enjoy music. I went dancing classes with my colleagues. I went for solo travelling trips: ecotravel, if you want to call them. I also went mountain-climbing and did whitewater rafting etc. I love water sports and i did those too, jetski-ing being my thing. I read fairly widely. Though I don't write well, but I enjoy some categories of books and learnt immensely from them. I love a good comedy and I have watched quite a few movies, appreciating that each genre has its own appeal. I don't club, too old for that haha. I am nearing 40. But I still scream like crazy doing the Mummy Ride in USS again and again, and to my friends' dismay, i said after 'lets do this again!!!' I want to enjoy my life to the max.

Just that after all these enjoying things i do and i go home, it is an empty place with an empty man. 

In case you may wonder why I did them alone? I asked him to join me, but he is not interested and also too busy.  So, I still went ahead with other people.  I am very busy too. But you have to seize every minute you have. Whether he is coming or not.

I usually know what I want and I am a go-getter. I don't take nonsense from people unless they make sense as apparent from two replies I posted to two persons in this blog. The only time I lost my bearing is when I am with him. I can't think straight.

My marriage is the last frontier for me. This is something I need to do for myself. I just have to do it. But I know I don't have the mettle to see it through.

 

[triple]

Danielle

What u are expecting from your spouse is not a nice man, but a puppy. Clearly, he is not, and I doubt he will ever be.

Everything that has been written so far, is all about your point of view, and how he has failed to live up to your expectations. I don't see any reason to be upset about.

 

[tomasulu]

did you fail reading comprehension? her husband definitely has problem relating to her.

 

[danielle367]

Hey guys, nevermind .... I can't have everyone understand my situation. Even my friends and family can't. So, ....

But thanks, who? me? your reply means a lot to me.

In fact at another forum where I also shared but only posted the first two posts, someone just told me he might have a particular type of personality disorder called avoidance blah blah thingy and it usually stems from early childhood trauma and i should get that sorted out first. I didn't even share so much at that platform and I didn't mention about my current husband having any childhood issues.

The funny thing is that the counsellors we went to in the past always ask about our childhood. But he said no he has no issues there. So what can I do if he sincerely believe he is alright?

I have said I needed to leave. All I need is moral support to pull through this. Thanks, who? me? once again.

 

[scopefun]

Danielle,

You just don't love your husband, you jumped into marriage and now you want to bail out by drawing us to give you 'moral support'...

Nobody is perfect, it's all give and take. Yes yes yes, you know... we men are worried precisely that we married women who one day when we are bankrupt or paralyzed and she'd just say goodbye...

It doesn't matter who has the child trauma, and from a psychologist's view... local 'counselors' are well-known to be inapt in general.

You are too defensive... It's not that people don't perceive with their views... you just can't find people who'd agree with you.

LOL~

Many women are like you. Only difference, they don't come online to find support in a forum.

Like I said, you'd probably jump from a sinking ship to another sinking ship... because that's your character and how brains work...

Pissed?

Go ahead.

You expect me to lie about my 'view' about you? LOL~

Come on. Go ahead and ask the forum...

I am not the type who sayang people...

 

[susanna_low]

Correct me if im wrong, I believe you luv ur hb deeply, jus u r frustrated with him n urself.

U feel that u can "connect" with the guys out there, it's like when we get to know a new person, there's "新鲜感, interesting, curiosity. However when u get to know them better n their flaws, we will realize our hbs are still the best in our eyes. At least this is how I feel. I just can't afford to risk my marriage with another person while temptations will always be there right in his eyes too.

My hb is exactly like ur guy too. I guess that's how most RS are when it gone stagnant or after so many yrs? He used to be a boring n temperamental person. I get no response from him when he's watching tv hence I drag him out of the hse to hv supper, get a few beer n began rambling non stop.

Choose a right place, right time to talk.

Sometimes we will just chill at Dempsey, Holland V, order some fingerfood, a bottle of wine and spent a good few hours chilling.

Why not get more involved in his life then? Have u ever asked urself? What have u ever done for him despite him doing so many things for u?

These are thoughts that came into my mind whenever I felt frustrated with him. Marriage is a 2 way traffic, it couldn't always be u, u, u, u only. He is a human with emotion needs too.

Get to know his friends, work. When I see his face souring, I can just sense his resentment. Just test the water by asking a few qns n he opened up n I started to share mine.

There are times when he just want some time off, I just leave him alone. Just let him know that u will support him no matter what. I ever told him its ok if he ever goes wo a job because I can work.
A hug or a pat in the shoulder do better than a thousand words. Let him know that u luv him.

I'm not sure whether its appropriate to share here but we add some naughty n kinky stuff, Get some uniforms n role play as a nurse, student, it adds fun n well, both of us enjoy the mind blowing sex. . n he's becoming more affectionate, initiate to hold hands in public n demand for a kiss in front of his friends.

In fact my group of "prim n proper" gfs have been actively discussing about it, SEX n we been spreeing in toys n lingeries from abroad :X.

Not sure whether this has been a attribute cause but my hb is becoming more advantageous n did more plannings during the weekend n more willing to open up. His attitude just change for the better, back to his teens.

I guess a marriage is like to keep falling in love again again and again with the same person.

 

[danielle367]

Hi Ting Yi, thanks.

I am frustrated we can't talk about anything beyond "Remember to get the maid to clean the grills." and "Punggol East is now with WP." or "There is a place that serves good French cuisine. And I have some discount from my visa card." Basically sharing of facts.

He can't tell me his unhappiness, happiness, frustration, joy. He just doesn't. He doesnt speaks beyond facts. And if I attempt to connect at a next level of communication, he will remain silent or change topic.

(I am answering questions now because I am asking for moral support. I cannot expect anyone to give any support unless you know my situation. This is not an attempt to be defensive. But i owe you to explain myself as clearly as possible what I feel is wrong with my marriage, and if there is any assumptions i feel that is held incorrectly, I also see the need to explain my position)

If communications can be divided into different stages: firstly talk about weather (that's what strangers and acquaintances do) then about facts sharing and opinions (that's what friends and acquaintances do) then about dreams and convictions and feelings (things you tell to closer firends). I only get pass stage 1 with him. We were in stage 2 twenty years ago. We are still at beginnng of stage 2 now.

No I did not go for 2 guys because of 新鲜感. At that time I usually hang out with male colleagues more. I had more guy friends then girl friends, and almost with all I can talk up to level 3. I know them well, their bad habits and good habits. There was nothing 新鲜 about guys to me. So i was happy with my guy friends, while staying remaining married and faihful. I didnt think there was any problem and I don't endorse extra-marital affairs as well.

My first romantic encounter was with a new colleague in my department. Brought him for lunch and soon he was my regular lunch partner. Then the friendship flourished and then I realised I fell for him, and like-wise he for me. It was an accident. I stopped it in time.

After that guy, I was wary and shared less. In another company, it was my boss. Actually I knew this guy for like 2-3 years before joining the same company and work alongside with him, or should I say reported to him. You should have seen how comical it is I avoided him as much as I could, and resist his attempts, but he got me where it hurts, my empty marriage. I don't want to go into details. But I left the company. He didn't understand why. He said I betrayed him and a lot of angry stuff. Lol. Anyway, after that, I closed my door to all guy friendships.

I missed those guy friends a lot. Only one is still in touch but I make sure my hubby comes along each time we go for a drink. Each time the drinking session will be the same. The guy and I talk about everything under the sun, I tried to get my hubby into the conversation, he doesn't follow, or just share some facts and that's it. After a while, he will look at the tv screen at the soccer matches while me and my male friend has a great intellectually stimulating and exciting conversation and time is just not enough. We had to go home it's late. So I will nudge my hubby, whose eyes are still on the tv screen and he would say "huh? What? Oh, yeah it's late. Let's go home." and he will give my friend a lift home, as a good friend would. Anyway, he tells me he doesn't like this guy. So, I have stopped getting him out for drinks as well.

 

[tomasulu]

No problemo D. That's why when I was dating, going to a movie is always the first litmus test. I'd pick a tear jerker like saving private Ryan or something. When captain miller told Ryan to earn it while the gurgle of blood rises through his voice... there will invariably be folks who would burst out laughing. If the date happened to be one of them she'd be going home on her own. Many people in our sunny isle find it hard to deal with outburst of emotions. They've no capacity to deal with it, empathize with it or even be in its presence. They laugh it off or they keep quiet because they are extremely uncomfortable with or embarrassed by any such exhibition. Your husband appears to be one of those and to make it worse he is also one of those who bottles up his own feelings tightly.

Seriously how the heck did you miss it?

 

[danielle367]

Ting Yi (cont'd)

"Why not get I involved in his life then?"

I tried. I wasn't into soccer and tennis last time. He was. I am more a water sports person. I told myself I can watch some soccer and tennis so that we can have something to talk about. And so I watch soccer and tennis. I probably know more soccer and tennis than most girls do. I can tell you the strategy that Chelsea is using again Barca is lame, they cannot play 4-3-3. And when they should switch to attacking play or defensive play or change formation. For BPL, I love Arsenal. I can't stand Barca but I know the spanish generally play better soccer, for that matter the entire world play better soccer than England. Tennis? I supposed there is no need to hear me talk tennis. But it does not help my relationship at all. All the things I talk with him about soccer and tennis is stage 1 and beg. Stage 2 convo. End of.

He was into fishing. I picked up fishing and owned fishing rod and gear. South China Sea. Cold water fishing. I did it with him. He decided to stop fishing for humanitarian reasons. So I stop too. Nope, nothing is helping my mate to open up.

I did quite a bit so that I can relate with him. But it boils down to nothing. in fact, your ideas are great stuff. But I have attempted most of them.

About sex, I walked into a sex shop alone and got all sorts of stuff in there. But it didnt help. Nah, he is too busy for sex toys or play doc and nurse. We are in our late 30s. To me, he behaves like he is in his 70s. And I am not fat or ugly, just so that you know. I work out. It's important to keep fit.

You have a great marriage, Ting Yi, he is able to respond. Good job!

I did all i could to save mine. But i cant get a response. it has fo be over, am I right? What am I waiting for? Some day that I will wake up and find him different?

I just need to find some strength to go through it. I made an appointment tomorrow with my counsellor if she can't give me some pointers on how to do the divorce. I do not want to do it with a lawyer. I rather do it on my own. I will need moral support to go through the process. It willI be very painful.

 

[danielle367]

Hi Who? Me?,

Ikr!!! Ikr!!! Oh Gawd!!! How could I missed it???? Lol.

But sadly so, I did when I tied the knot.

If you wish to hear my unfortunate story, you can read from my post to Chocolatte on Sunday Jan 27 2013 - 2.47am.

My first post is dated Saturday January 26, 2013 - 3.01pm. The rest of the posts thereafter attempt to summarise my 20 years with this man in a nut shell. Hard la, so long a time squeezed into a few posts.

And your method is splendid, you clever girl! Great idea for young ladies out there! I wish I possess bit of your wit when I got myself involved with him. Sigh!

The Chinese has a saying ä¸€å¤±è¶³æˆ something something can't remember.

So now I want out. And I need moral support. That's why I am here.

And thanks, who?me?

 

[danielle367]

Hey Who? Me?

... Erm did you say your date was a 'she'? I read too quickly and didn't realise you are a guy. Sorry there.

 

[tomasulu]

Yeah I was born with a swinging aubergine. Some say a baby's arm holding an orange... But I digress.

No amount of "moral support" (from strangers no less) would do for you what 20 years of misery won't. There are some paths in life we just have to trek alone. And often we become a better person for it.

All the best.

 

[momoftwo]

Danielle,
Most people don't need their spouse to be into everything they do. They just need them to, not be a wet blanket and be morally supportive.
Look at those accomplished star athletes, their spouses don't play the same game they do.
Their spouses just sit quietly on the side and watch them, cheer them on. That's all the star needs.

The problem I see , is you are looking for a mirror image of yourself. And that's the reason perhaps, why you are afraid of letting go.

Have you ever heard of the doppleganger ?

 

[danielle367]

Who?me?

Thanks.

I trekked alone 3x and failed to arrive, remember?

I do not know if coming in here will give me what I need. I much prefer a twelve steps group (I have been to a few meetings some years back with a friend: i accompanied her - she was a drug abuser with ice) The meetings have some 'rules' where people don't hammer others nor give advice. Just affirmation and a sense of togetherness. There my friend found strength among total strangers and overcame her addiction.

I am trying online forums as I dont have alternatives. Doing it alone has failed me before.

Thanks again for your well wishes, Who? Me?

 

[momoftwo]

Danielle,
So you are a daddy's girl. Is your dad still alive ?
Are you still close to him ?

Did he forget to give you that speech to wean you off before he left ?

Are you looking for the same kind of "feeling" your dad gave you in your partner ?

You think you are not damaged ? Everyone in this world is damaged.. the question is, how much.
Because the world is not perfect.

 

[momoftwo]

Danielle,
You are seeking VALIDATION.

Anyone who is able to give you validation, you are going to fall for.

Because your husband is not giving you validation, you are starved, you are deprived.

So you seek it in other men. When another man can give you the validation you seek, you think he can relate to you. You become infatuated with this person who is giving you what you seek.

You are chasing rainbows... hoping to find the unicorn at the end of it.

 

[momoftwo]

Danielle,
Your husband had an abused childhood?
How was your childhood ?

Unless you lived a day in his life, when his parents are abusing him. you can never relate to his feelings.

Your husband is a hardened man. It's because of his past, that's why he is much more mature and realistic in his emotions.

A man like him, has seen things and felt things , you the frivolous mortal will never get to experience.

What you experienced, the wrong in your world, are like fuzz to him. There is/are nothing, compared to what he had to deal with.
Perhaps this is why, he seemed an emotionless creature to you. Perhaps this is why, you can't feel him inside, because you arn't there yet.

Have you ever talked to a homeless/vagrant ? These people are not interested in your little frolick in Europe, nor are they interested in your occasional emotional tantrums. They are hardened people, with feelings way beyond our comprehension.

Your husband is like the rock, and you the kite tied to it constantly trying to break free.

 

[danielle367]

Hey momoftwo, not sleeping yet? It's kinda late. I am doing biphasic so I sleep little.

The concept you brought up is interesting. Yes, there is a possibility I am doing that, I wouldn't know, would I?

Doing the hobbies he did were, what i perceived, my attempts to share part of his life, which he shut tightly from me. Had he been emotionally not absent, I might not be so desperate. This is seen from my current vantage point.

My marriage looks to me not so much a partnership, using business terms, but a co-tenancy of the same premises. He has this part of the property, I have that part. He does not cross over to mine, and I can't cross over to his. Essentially two different businesses operating within a same shop space. Or two different people living together but living separate lives.

 

[danielle367]

Woho! That's quite a few posts there, momoftwo. Thanks, though.

 

[momoftwo]

It's late morning/ almost noon where I am now.

 

[danielle367]

Momoftwo, two posts before, the concept I was referring to that is interesting was that of a doppleganger. Just to clarify.

 

[momoftwo]

Men needs their man-caves.
That's where they seek sanctuary from the insanities of our world.
You need to let him have that cave.
Seek not to enter, nor infuse it with your own.

Learn to respect boundaries. You don't have to be all consuming.

 

[danielle367]

Momoftwo, yes i was daddy's girl. He was far from perfect but he gave me some idea how guys generally think and what usually guys want. My dad is not from my generation so there again i cant adopt everything I learnt from him. I need to evolve to be relevant with the times. And my dad has a sense of humour. Perhaps that's the best thing I got from him.

My dad is still alive but we are not on talking terms since few years ago. We fell out due to some serious difference over some family issues. If you are wondering if I have any hang ups about daddy, my answer is no. He shut his door on me. It's his choice. I get on with my life. I am fine with it. It does not bother me, though at times I wish things would turn out differently.

 

[momoftwo]

Danielle, what issue is so important to you that you are willing to sacrifice the father-daughter bond for ?

 

[danielle367]

Momoftwo, erm, no, I don't think you can say i am seeking validation as well.

To a large extent, the marriage institution is there not solely for procreation purposes. It offers more. But many marriages have failed where the couple fail to keep the fire burning or draw appropriate boundaries.

In my case, my husband draw his boundaries as a fence. Whereas I draw mine as a door. A door can be opened at will, to allow me to go out, to allow him or others to come in, and also to be shut for my own time and privacy.

The fence on the other hand does not allow this flexibility. It keeps others away. Period. If that being the case, all marriages are doomed. And I want to have no part to play with it. Why stay together and live separate lives, kept separate by fences and not doors?

I am not all consuming. My hubby has his night outs with the boys and his beer buddies. He goes to Batam with them. I encourage him to go. Believe it or not. He needs short breaks so I asked him why not go across the South China Sea? You can have an indomassage. He had gone on several occasions. I need not be there.

Look, momoftwo, I am here because i want to leave. Much as i hate to break my marrage vows, i am actually needing medical attention now for my depression as a result from it. My man is emotionally handicapped. He warrants professional help but he cannot see it.

Everyone is not healthy. Some has high cholesterol, others lead a stressful lifestyle that predispose them to heart disease, and some are overweight. But there are some who are ill with cancer or hypertension who wouldn't see them as a problem that hurt themselves and could potentially be a burden to others they love. Saying my husband damaged is a term our counsellors used. I merely borrowed from them, and I agree with them. It does not imply I am not damaged. If you say someone has cancer, it does not imply you are saying you are very healthy. No. I didn't mean it that way.

Thanks for trying to help, momoftwo.

 

[danielle367]

Momoftwo,

About me and my dad?

Issues regarding principles and integrity, and how another family member is being treated. I place a high degree of importance on certain things. A principles-centred life expects me to stand up for the rights of someone who is treated unjustly, whether by standing up for that person it will hurt my relationship with dad or not. The decision thereafter lies solely on others whether they choose me or not. I cant do otherwise to control their affliation with me.

Dad had been there in my past. But my life is in the now. He chose not to have any of his 'now' with me. I didn't choose that. I didn't sacrifice it. It's his decision not to pick up the phone when I called. It's his choice. I respect it.

 

[momoftwo]

It is unfortunately obvious, you are in self-denial.

Is your husband the source of your depression ?

 

[momoftwo]

Your principles pertains only to how you treat others.

How others treat people around them is their own business.

You don't have to agree with what they do, but you certainly don't have to dictate how they want to live their life or how they treat people in it.

 

[danielle367]

Momoftwo,

"is your husband the source of your depression? ...."

- I have earlier explained myself about this issue. My posts started Saturday, Jan 26, 2013, 3:01pm. Do read them I had explained my depression stems from a feeling of isolation outside and inside my marriage.

Thank you once again.

 

[danielle367]

Momoftwo, my family has issues, like many others. Someone in my family is being abused. I have to stand up and say something. I can't say it's none of my business. They are my loved ones. If you see your nephew being scorched by a burning iron as a form of punishment for breaking a vase, would you keep quiet? Would you continue having your dinner and keep up pleasant conversations while the kid is screaming from torture? No, my nephew was not scorched by a burning iron, but something similar, momoftwo. Please understand. Don't judge me or attempt to fix me. I have good reasons.

In any case, I spoke up. I did not dictate how others should behave. I spoke up for someone too weak to do so. That's all.

 

[momoftwo]

"my depression stems from a feeling of isolation outside and inside my marriage."

May I know, by leaving this marriage of 20 years, how does it help ?

How does it help the isolation problem when decided to walk the loner's path ?

Your husband is there all along, but you are unable to appreciate his presence.

For you, I suggest leaving him. There are too many who will only appreciate what they have lost.

There are many divorced, men and women, I've spoken to along the years, they are filled with regrets and remorse. Each wished they had done it differently.

From their weaknesses and regrets , I found strength in my marriage.

 

[momoftwo]

"Don't judge me or attempt to fix me. I have good reasons. "

Why are you fearful of judgements ?

If you have good reasons, then your reasons should stand in the face of judgements.

Your fear of judgements bellies your lack of confidence in your reasons.

I am not attempting to fix you.
A person who does not want to be fixed, cannot be fixed.
Do you want to be fixed ?

 

[momoftwo]

There are only a few good reasons worthy of divorce.

Any RELENTLESS form of abuse.
Any RELENTLESS form of vice addiction.
Constant destruction of trusts.

 

[danielle367]

Momoftwo, though this has little to do with my plea for moral support to leave my marriage, I still wish to clarify one point:

You were right on that our principles pertains only to how we treat others. It is true. That is a very good point.

I spoke up in defence of someone who is unjustly treated and too weak to defend himself. I cannot control how the abusers react. It is purely beyond my control. I can only control myself: whether I chose to speak up or not. If to keep my peace with dad i chose not to speak, it is also my choice, albeit one that I will have difficulty sleeping on.

As a result of my speaking up, my dad chose to fall out with me. This I cannot control. It is his choice. It is sad to me, of course, but this is life.

Look, I am clear-minded insofar as everything else is concerned. But with my current spouse, my logic departs from me. Hence my plea for moral support.

 

[momoftwo]

"As a result of my speaking up, my dad chose to fall out with me."

Danielle, it is not the question of why or should you or not have defended the victim.

The question is HOW was it done.
Was your dad the abuser ?

 

[momoftwo]

"But with my current spouse, my logic departs from me. Hence my plea for moral support."

You don't need moral support. You need validation.

You need to validate your pending decision to walk away from this marriage.

No one will give you the validation you seek.
Just as no one will say to a suicidal person to take his/her own life.

You can only find answers, after you have walked through that door, for no one else can give you the answer you seek, we can only share our knowledge and experience.

pack up those bags and head out that door,
When you leave, don't expect to return.

The door will shut, and all will be past.

Start the new life that you so desire, and reminisce what you have lost.

 

[danielle367]

Lol, momoftwo, I am forgoing my sleep tonight. It's alright. I am on half day tomorrow morning for my appointment with my shrink, so I can nap a bit later.

(1) my depression needs to be addressed from 2 parts. One part is out of my marriage, I need to find a social network that I can relate with. I am still looking. Haven't given up. The other part is inside my marriage. Which is the inability to relate with my husband. I intend to leave. I need moral support, as I have kept repeating myself.

(2) I will gladly hope he can find someone who will appreciate him for who he is. Yes, I do. No hard feelings there. He tried and I have tried. It's not working. So, let's not drag again. Hence, my entrance into this blog that I want to go, please support me.

(3) There are equal numbers of divorced people, who will tell you they are so glad they left the marriage, momoftwo. By my character, singlehood is most suitable. I am independent, financially and functionally, and I don't need my life to be tripped over and over again by someone who wants to have me to cherish and to hold, and instantly draw a fence around his property. I can do well without a partner if the alternative is not helping.

(4) I am glad you found strength for your marriage. Good to hear that. I wish you the best. Truly. I wouldn't write it if I don't mean it

(5) I ask you not to judge me. I am not afraid of being judged. I have been judged by several others in this very forum. I spoke up for myself and thereafter ignore them. How could this reflect I am fearful of being judged? If i am so afraid, i would defend against those and be still playing pingpong with them till now. I choose to answer whoever I think is sincerely trying to help. Momoftwo, you are trying to help me, i thank you and hence i am asking you to know more first before passing a judgement. It is purely based on goodwill.

(6) About the fixing me. Well, we are all well beyond that stage of maturity, momoftwo. No one can fix another. Thats why i asked you not to try. You are saying this and that about me which is trying to tell me what is my problem. Empathise first, momoftwo. No one can fix another. Isn't my husband a good example? I can talk for years and counsellors can asked him and advised him but he don't want to fix himself, so none of us can do anything.

(7) reasons for divorce: well, I cant fit myself into any of your above mentioned categories.

(8) you asked if my dad was the abuser. I am sorry I can't answer your question. That is personal family matter and i see no relevance to my plea for moral support for my divorce.

(9) you asked me how I did it. In a similar manner like you have been trying to talk to me the past several hours. Regardless how nicely I put across, I would have crossed the line and pissed off someone in my family. I knew the consequences of even daring to bring it up.

Hope I have answered all your questions.

 

[momoftwo]

Your dad has abandoned you.
Your husband has abandoned you.

Your husband is still the same person you married, the same guy you raised a child with.

Your circumstances has changed.

Moral support. What kind of moral support ?

What is it you wish to get as moral support ?

An agreement ?
A nod ?
A go ahead ?

The kind of moral support I give my child is to let her know that it's ok to jump off that monkey bars because I will be there to catch her.

The moral support I will never give my child is one that ends with broken bones, or a night in jail.

You keep saying you are here for moral support.
Can you define what is/are your expectation of moral support ?

Good night Danielle, have a good rest.