Devastated....Failed Marriage


New Member
Hi Tomas, 

Thank you. 

"for a marriage to work, you don't have to share the same hatred for socialism, enjoy the same humor or even speak the same language. life is short, keeping things simple and superficial can be less of a headache. leave the intellectual debates to your drink buddies. go home to someone who will serve you a bowl of tom ga gai for your hangover. someone who doesn't feel the need to tire you with her own existential crisis and women lib's expectations."

I am afraid this perspective won't work for me. This is partly because of the gender difference. This brand of marriage will work for guys, but it will hardly work for girls. 

Gender difference: Much like a man may have a one night stand and forget the name of the woman he slept with, the woman who have a one night stand will not forget the name of the man. Men can operate rather logically and not be emotionlly involved, but women almost always engage emotionally. In the same vein, a man might first make love to a his wife out of need, then feels very connected to her after the love-making, but a woman need to feel connected first, thereafter she can enter into love-making, otherwise she tends to feel used. These are typcially gender differences. Also like young girls in schools tend to visit the washrooms in droves, because going to the washroom is a girls' thing and there are so much to gossip about which guy is cute and etc. even after all the hair tying and powderign is done, and they will take forever to come out of the washroom. But young boys in schools do not ask each other "hey, wanna go toilet?" Guys just go, get your job done, say a couple of "hi"s to people who know in there, and is out of there in a jiffy. So ceteris paribus, a woman usually needs some level of emotional connection in a marriage to feel fulfilled.

The perspective is also not possible for me partly due to the educational level and career mindedness that both my husband and I have. If I am indeed a village/low level office girl who is financially not doing great, then a Caucasian expatriate willing to have me is a ticket for security. I might find it a good deal, and wouldnt mind to be at his service, whether it is cooking for him or washing his laundry. Much like Maslow's hierarchy of needs, a village girl is concerned with security, food and shelter: Physiological and Safety Needs. I am passed that stage. Belonging &Love, and Esteem&Self Actualisation are things that matter to me now. (to be cont'd)


New Member
(cont'd) Personally I have tried "compartmentalisation" in the past. For good fun, I go to pubs with these few people, for interesting conversations I go to the other few. At home, i shall be detached and not expect anymore, while my hubby pay my bills, and come pick me home when I am too tired to drive. So I do my own things. Pursue my hobbies. Further my studies. So I have it all, right? But what about my connectivity needs or emotional needs or intimacy needs as a woman? Where do I go to?

If keeping it simple and superficial is the order of the day, then for sexual release and intimacy needs, he can have flings and affairs and so can I. If heehaw hears this, she will quickly jump in and restart the promiscuity nonsense. But yet again, on flings and affairs, my hubby and i are both agreeable that infidelity is not the way to go. Many of my friends have been hurt when spouses engage in flings/affairs. Their children are hurt too by the consequences of having the other spouse found out, the mistrust, the betrayal, the incessant quarrelling and marital breakdowns. Everyone suffers.

Hence the times we both strayed, we admitted to each other, yes, we were not caught by each other, we admitted to each other, made a commitment to do better in future, let go and forgive. There are so many chances to stray out there. Every single day. Forgiveness of one party and efforts of the other party work as the safety net to save the marriage, in case when we leap and fail to reach infidelity. Without the safety net, marriages are failing, many due to affairs, as you and I can see.

So, if I don't endorse extra-marital romances/affairs, where do I get my intimacy needs fulfilled?

To me, my marriage offers little. I can pay my own bills. Why do i still stay just so he pays mine? If I am too tired to drive, I can always call a cab. For a bowl of soup, my maid can do it just fine. This is what i mean by living separate lives. There is really nothing significant that ties us together as a married couple. 

So, my husband needs to marry a village girl from Bangkok lol

(to be cont'd)


New Member
(cont'd) Of existential crisis and women lib's expectations, i suppose you are just saying in jest? Nevertheless, of existential crisis and absurdism, I resolved mine in my late teens. For those adults who are still struggling with the meaning of life, there are various avenues to get that department sorted out.

"i suspect this is how many folks view a marriage. if you observe most married couples, especially those who are older, their interactions are typically superficial and mundane. hows the kids, what shall we have for dinner, etc. fact sharing, in your own words, which to many people are a-ok. that's why you don't get a lot of sympathy or understanding from your circle of friends."

Yes, this is how many view a marriage. For my parents' generation, it is but a ticket to a supply of food and lodging 饭票. But society and expectations are changing. Amongst some 40-50 year olds in Singapore that i know, i am hearing more and more of talk from women who declare they are filing for divorce the minute the youngest finished sec 4, but not now. The kids are still in middle school and so it will be very disruptive. The flame has died. There are nothing left except for the kids. More women, particularly career women, are not settling for this anymore. If the guy comes home, have his dinner, sit down and watch tv, then go sleep because he has a long work day tomorrow, and leave everything else to wife, then this kind of arrangement serves only the short term. A decade or two passed by and when the kids grow up, the marriage has long been over. 
I can name 4 other such couples I know personally (1) A female friend of mine residing in Toronto. Children all grown up and working. Going to be 60 soon. Filing. (2) 2 friends' parents, both quite elderly, not divorced, but stayed in different children's homes because they can't stand the sight of each other, as in REALLY hate the sight of each other (3) One developed insomnia and depression - in her 50s and frequently had violent arguments with husband. Husband dropped dead from heart attack one day while at work. Her depression and insomnia automatically disappeared. She is now happy like a lark.

My circle of girl-friends are pathetic. Or I am pathetic to find such friends. My girlfriends ....erm doesn't endorse divorce for moral reasons, one doesn't endorse divorce for religious reasons, one pledged to give all the moral support I needed but instantly disappeared into her busy life - she really has a busy life, she is a single working mom, but she is also a NATO type (no action talk only) and another one told me "Danielle, you know i don't know how to give emotional support la har, but just let me know what you need and I can see how to help." Lols!!! Thanks!! What great friends I have!!

"keeping in mind your husband's stunted capacity for empathy, you may want to explore his view on relationships in general and marriages in particular." and ""trying to be clear... what i was trying to say is that your husband's reluctance or inability to change could be exacerbated by his view on relationships and marriage."

I tell you, Tomas, I have no idea what is his view on relationships and marriages in particular because he hasn't told me yet LOLS!! But from what I see, it probably resemble all those typical marriages i mentioned above that are "about to break down" type. If so, I am not keen.

"there are chinese phases such as 相敬如宾 and å›å­ä¹‹äº¤æ·¡å¦‚æ°´ that extol the kind of superficial mundane existence that characterizes your marriage."

Erm, my Chinese is typically CMI (cannot make it) but let me give it a shot: 相敬如宾 means to be polite and respectful, like treating a guest. Yes, i believe that. I believe in being polite and respectful. As opposed to being rude and disrespectful. But when my hubby hides in his shell and fail to engage in his marriage, would you classify it as polite or disrespectful?

å›å­ä¹‹äº¤æ·¡å¦‚æ°´ This is a good one, Tomas. I have no reply to this. Perhaps, at this stage of my life, I am passionate and full of zest. I have not reached the stage of appreciating this philosophy yet. Good point. I wish one day I can look back and understand the profound meaning in this. 

Thank you, Tomas, thank you.

PS: btw Tomas, "mundane" is my second most favourite word. The first being "absurd".


New Member
Hi miLo,

"My relationship went through a break up to become stronger. For me to reflect over my mistakes and for her to grow up and understand what were her priorities. But, for sure, context is not the same. The point is.... letting go can work either ways, sometimes it could turn out completely opposite as well."

miLo, thanks for sharing of your past experiences. I can identify better with your experiences. Previous posts from you sounded rather vague to me. Can't be helped. I can be so dim at times.

"This is not to give any false hopes."

Yes, I understand that perfectly.

Thanks again, miLo.

I am turning in now. See ya all


lol.. who`d have simple word "promiscuity " can cause such a firestorm.

to the uneducated and ignorant of cors.

it is not the act itself.. but the CAUSE of the act that should be pondered upon.

why does promiscuity affects some and not the others?

why is loyalty so important during our quest for a lifelong partner ? if all are equal then throwing a stone onto the busy street should suffice or doing the enee menee mineeee mooo.


"Distractions" (not the unfaithful kind) is the glue that holds a marriage together through ups n downs of life.

Raising a family , pursuing a career, pursuing higher education.. pursuing spiritual enlightenment etc are distractions.

maybe thats why some couples keep dogs...or travel the world..or adopt a child the later part of their life...distractions.

the MOST important of all, self esteem. lacking or having insufficient of that esteem causes much havoc and the end result is always irreparable damages.

but of cors.. i am just hee hawing...carry on.


Active Member

not so much on the relationship... but on Life Itself...

Love for Life... Love for Fellow humans... Love for Living... Love for Giving... Love for Bringing Smiles... Love for Bringing Joy... Love for Failing... Love for Trying... Love for Friendships... Love for Interaction.... Love for Movies... Love for Reading... Love for Art.... Love for Beaches... Love for Clouds.... Love for Mountains... Love for Sea.... Love for Rain... Love for Snow... Love for Dreams... Love for Goals... Love for Success.... Love for Highs... Love for Lows... Love for Sorrow... Love for Family...Love for Children... Love for our Partner...

Love For Simply Being Alive and Living.

the percentage that my family takes up in my life... from the above... u can see is not the biggest percentage, but part of the whole Equation. i am as much a part of the world, as the world is a part of me... i am as responsible for others, as i am to my family.

i give 100% to the world that my life is made up of. whilst most pple have difficulty balancing the many aspects of life, i think the key is knowing our priorities.... certainly, my kids can have less presents if that same money can bring food to 30 starving children. certainly if i need 10k a month for my family's needs - why not strive to make an extra 5k to better the lives of those who aren't able to.

i have a superbly understanding wife who has been shaeing me with the world... with my career... with my frens... with the Causes that i live for.... none of my ex-gfrens would have been too happy with me choosing the paths i have chosen, and sharing me and my wealth with total strangers... If i had married any of them, i might have to leave them... it was just a matter of time.

1 of my ex needed me to be beside her to sleep... and she sleeps at 10pm. i sleep at 3-4am and wake at 9. If i stayed with her, i may have to sacrifice 5hrs of my nitetime sleeping to accomodate her, than be out Living. being with her means i throw away 1/6 of my 24hrs of life - just sleeping away... Was her love, or my love for her worth doing that?

another one was abit into the tantrums and assumptions... she prefers staying home to watch korean dramas about love... whilst i prefer to be out with frens having coffee... she watched make-believe life that would Never belong to us... i couldn't do that... i thought my life was good enough for me to Live It, not watch others live thru dramtised scenarios that didn't add value. in fact i think it gives her the romantic notion that i could never fulfill becos of who i Am.

neither of them were wrong to enjoy what they enjoy... neither am i wrong to prefer to live my life how i feel it has to be lived. both of them are happily married now, 1 with kids... i wouldn't say they are at their happiest, but i am certain they are happier without me... living a life where my presence doesn't hinder them from their small happiness and joys...

who marries right? can we marry wrong? i dun think it matters as much as Am I Living Life?

my Life is not mine... it belongs to many Aspects which i lend importance to... i feel more for abused children than a single woman. many times i find myself willing to sacrifice myself for others... simply becos i know i can overcome the obstacles in doing so. this has nothing to do with being selfless or anything... it has everything to do with knowing i are In a Position to make a difference and therefore i should.

between sleeping with my wife n kid, and writing my thoughts... my choice would be to share my thoughts. i still gotta wake at 9am. If i were with the 10pm gfren, i would not be able to process my thoughts to share with u... if i were with the other one, i may be sleeping after watching 5hrs of back-to-back episodes...

of cos it doesn't mean it's everyday... but i need my time to Matter most, when it should matter most to others... and again, i have chosen Others... perfect stramgers like yourself... over my family, over my sleep.

sadly, i tend to be misunderstood and challenged. after awhile, i hate myself for wasting time on the deaf... cos i could have spent the same time posting - to make more money to help others, or give more time to help others... instead of wasting time to bicker with those who dun even exist on the same level of thought and love... for their idea of love is often possessive, measureable, and comparable. True Love isn't any of these...

hope u find meaning in this...


hee haww hee haww.. is a spiteful saint a real saint ?

judge a man by his actions (or reaction).. not by his fluffy words.

one has to wonder..hee haww hee haww


Active Member
Life is Beautiful
Joy Luck Club
Seven Pounds
What Dreams May Come
Dead Poets Society
Legends of the Fall
Powder (the movie behind my nick)
1 Litre of Tears (jap)
Love Actually
City of Angels
Rocky Balboa (yeah not typical)

and many more i guess.... that has sorta added to the philosophies of my life. a few good chinese/jap/foreign ones too but titles i have difficulty remembering...

u can see that Love n Relationships aren't the ones that influence me most. that said, i think one of the most beautiful movies is What Dreams May Come....


Active Member

it is becos of pple like u, who only live for themselves... that some of us have to do more for others... and not only that, i have to face the mocking of pple like u... whose only justification for a poor life - is to mock others.

using words like 'saint' excuses u from doing more... u hide behind such words to hide your inadequecies... as much as u are bitching here nonstop for some selfish agenda of your own. Nobody here can possibly believe that u're doing this for others... it has become more of your personal obsesseion for your own needs.

all should be revealed to u when u lay on your deathbed...


powder, you might want to check your own postings for signs of mocking..before casting that accusative finger at another.

i am sure many before me had left this forum due to your relentless attacks should they dare to disagree with you.

the sharpness of your tongue is legendary. ..

personal agenda you say ? well i wonder the same of you.

there's a thin, fine line.. between sharing and bragging..hee haw..hee haw.


a thin, fine line defines sharing and bragging...hee haw hee haww..

if your concern is but the image during your death bed, then all you are doing had not been for the sake of self actualization, but merely a means to an end.

some see my postings as mockery..but really but wry prodding to humans' short it not?


New Member
Oh Powder,

You are giving me a headache. I am still backtracking and re-reading all your posts to me because I learn so much from them and I am trying to understand fully what you were saying, and now I have two more excellent posts to think about

I need to process and will get back to you. Thank you very much


New Member
As i was looking through all the posts yesterday, I pen some thoughts about one particular forumer. I intend to share this with you all. It's more like a character study. Will post later. Have an appointment with a property agent in a while's time.


Well-Known Member

to share more personally on incompatibility. My ex had the complete opposite expectation as you. Throughout the relationship, I was expected to not talk to anyone about anything about her. Not to my buddies nor my family. She sees it as a betrayal of her trust and violating her privacy. At the same time, she challenged and question everything I shared or spoke about, what I did or did not do. I struggled for years holding on finally waking up and accepting that we are simply poles apart. I need to connect with people, talk about it while she expects me to bottle up everything about our relationship. I was so stubbornly hanging on. I had the thought of letting go for the longest time but the expectation grew and couldn't bear to disappoint and hurt her. So, I just gave in every time, suppressing myself. I was crying in bed alone for so many nights feeling completely helpless in the relationship.

Its normal to be emotional, to hang on, to feel completely weak and helpless. The fear of disappointing and hurting, just couldn't bear to do it. Till a point of realization that you cannot go on anymore. Tears will dry up. That is when you will finally let go.


D you appear to know very well what's not working and what you want out of a marriage. No absurdist doubts there... so why the fits of pangs when it comes to kicking his uncaring behind to the curb? You've told your close friends so it can't be the shame factor. Mil will be spared the news so that can't be it as well. Besides you are not on talking terms with your dad, presumably you are not someone who trades principles for good family relations. You're not in this for the meal ticket. What about kids? Is that it? You said you have a soft spot for the dude but surely after all these years of emotional abandonment there is a sense of... doing unto him? So why the inertia, what stopped you from pulling the trigger?
*Without prejudice*

I have reservations on some comments here and to say some are un-constructive to the extent, it doesn't make any sense and it becomes un-moderated (in layman terms posting in emotions and egos). That being said, for the benefit of doubt, for those giving can choose to express what they want simply because to each their own and we must accept that but not to the extent of personal attacks. And for those that chose to absorb? Don't whine about the comments received because you have the right to ignore and that right is your choice to exercise.

I must say this place was my starting point more than a year ago and I could only find one answer to everything and that is? No amount of advise or comments or even suggestions from counselor, psychologist, family or friends could help except myself and with time, everything became clear. Don't rush to a judgement nor listen to someone to conclude your findings because, you don't want to make decisions based on what others tell you, you got to be a mentor to yourself eventually and tell yourself what to do. If you find yourself in a situation, there isn't right or wrong per se. Rule of thumb is to make sure you are fair to yourself first by looking at yourself. Then, when you see yourself, then manage other aspects.

Let me then share a story which I believe I mentioned here once many eons ago:

A man seeks employment on a farm. He hands his letter of recommendation to his new employer and it reads simply, 'He sleeps in a storm.' The owner is desperate for help, so he hires the man without much considerations.

Several weeks pass, and suddenly, in the middle of the night, a powerful storm rips through the valley. Awakened by the swirling rain and howling wind, the owner leaps out of bed. He calls for his new hired hand, but the man is sleeping soundly. So he dashes off to the barn. He sees, to his amazement, that the animals are secure with plenty of feed. He runs out to the field. He sees the bales of wheat have been bound and are wrapped in tarpaulins (ok, tarpaulins are waterproof canvas if you are about to check the dictionery). He races to the silo. The doors are latched, and the grain is dry.

And then he understands. 'He sleeps in a storm.'

My friends here in SBF, if we tend to the things that are important in life, if we are right with those we love and behave in line without our faith, our lives will not be cursed with the aching throb of unfulfilled business. Our words will always be sincere, our embraces will be tight. We will never wallow in the agony of 'I could have, I should have.' We can 'sleep in a storm'. And when it's time, our good-byes will be complete.

Then the next question is, how to let go of pain or hurt? In my first paragraph I mentioned in time, everything will be clearer. Just like an example of an old monk who told his disciple: "if I pass you a cup and ask you to hold tightly with both of your hands and pour boiling water and kept pouring to the point it over fill and the hot boiling water spills onto your hands and the cup fell to the ground. The monk said, because the hot boiling water hurts, no matter how much grip you have on the cup using both of your hand, you will still let go of the cup. It was a natural reaction not that you want to let it slip, when it is time, you will naturally let it go. The pain, grudges and hurt are the same way the monk holds the cup with both his hands, tightly. And the boiling water is those emotions you pour into the cup and you will reach a point you let it go..

We can dwell on the points till the cow comes home, finger pointing as well as endless debates on who is right, who is wrong, what should or should not do. Thousands of post, thousand of threads in forums all over the world and what is the one thing that everyone eventually do? Have a thinker on this.


"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. " - Socrates.

So true.. hee haww hee haww...


New Member
Dear Ting Yi, 

I regret one part of my most recent post to you. The second para should read:

"You are very sweet. In the past, when one forumer said I don't love my hubby, you posted to say I do. When another forumer said he is sleeping around, you posted to say he is faithful. I didn't know cos I wasn't reading their posts till just now. Thank you, Ting Yi."

No names should be mentioned. I should understand that you might want to maintain amicable relationships with all other fellow forumers. I should not present it as if you were taking sides because you are clearly not. My apologies.
HI Danielle,

I have been following your post for some time- great you are frank to share your thoughts...

Re-wind back 20 years ago- many couples probably felt what you are going through, but the concept of divorce was not so prevalent, so most just live with their other halves due to societal expectations etc...

Fast foward to the world today- and people feel they should live their lives the way they want- so taking action is part of that...

Just 2 comments:
1. You mentioned you have a daughter- she must be in her teens now? Will she be emotionally OK once you split from your hubby?
2. Your hubby- will he be emotionally OK to see you walk away (I mean, he will not become violent and stalk or harm you/ your child?)

Just ensure these 2 issues are properly dealt with, and you are on the right track to singlehood...

My thoughts....


New Member
Hi all, let's take a break from my 'problem' k? Yesterday, I was reading all the posts of everyone since i started posting, and the following observations regarding one particular forumer come to mind:


1) Different Understanding Regarding What Is Moral Support:

This forumer I am commenting on said: "I dont support anything I cant understand.. cuz I wont know if I am doing more harm than good" (Posted on Sunday, February 03, 2013 - 8:27 am SG time)

Another forumer said: "Support as in lending a listening ear and a hug when they are upset. When I m upset, my friends doesn't say anything but they only cry along with me. u noe, the kind when u shed tears at their wedding, see their newborn and also when the moment, they r upset." (Posted on Sunday, February 03, 2013 - 8:44 am SG time)

The first forumer replied: "my type of support is different ... i support .. by...example... taking care of her kids when her last living parent had cancer. picking up the kid from school,bath him, fed him, do homework with him until his mom pick him up late at night .... opened up my home to provide shelter from her abusive husband while she file for divorce and try to find alternative shelter. Fend off her husband when he came looking for them in the middle of the night..... what you described as your kind of support is to me partaking in a pityfest. sure i do that a lot for my friends too.. but i really wouldn't classify that as "support" imho." (Posted on Sunday, February 03, 2013 - 10:10 am SG time)

From the word GO, there was already a different understanding between the first forumer and myself what is moral support. She appeared to interpret it as "to be in agreement to what i am about to do." Hence, she kept insisting I am here for validation I.E. to get people to agree with what I am about to do. Her version of moral support might be to advise, tell you what you should do, or what is wrong or right etc. Not so much empathy, understanding your struggle, cry with you when you are sad, or the like.

Another of her earlier post to me was: "Moral support. What kind of moral support ? What is it you wish to get as moral support ? An agreement ? A nod ? A go ahead ? The kind of moral support I give my child is to let her know that it's ok to jump off that monkey bars because I will be there to catch her. The moral support I will never give my child is one that ends with broken bones, or a night in jail. You keep saying you are here for moral support. Can you define what is/are your expectation of moral support?" (Posted on Monday, January 28, 2013 - 5:41 am SG time)

Unfortunately at that point in time, I had already left her posts and was no longer following. So I failed to clarify what is the meaning of moral support to her.

2) Her Conviction:

Because she is convinced that a marriage should be kept whole, and is against divorce or separation, she was/is trying with all her might to convince me, and later the rest of you, of her position. She sees me as trying to get everyone to agree to my cause - my divorce - and so she could have been doing everything she could to salvage my situation by convincing others not to agree with me.

3) The Golden Rule:

In her zeal to impart her value, which to her might be a highly important value, she may have along the way trespassed others' boundaries eg: she became abusive, and temporarily forgot about the Golden Rule. The Golden Rule is nothing but a set of values that govern modern societies, to protect individual rights, to promote freedom of speech, to live and let live ie: live your life how you want it to be and let others live theirs how they want theirs to be, do unto others what you want others to do unto you etc

So, we can argue with her till the cows come home, but until and unless there is a common understanding what is MORAL SUPPORT, the fight will continue and turn uglier, and no one will get anything good out of it.

So why not we attempt to build bridges instead of walls? Why not seek to come to terms with the very definition of MORAL SUPPORT? After all, to me, this is the point where all misunderstanding started.

(There might or might not be a PART II to this, I am just keeping my options open)


New Member
Hi Tomas,

"No absurdist doubts there ...."
- Lols!!

"What about kids? Is that it?"
- Nope

"... so why the fits of pangs when it comes to kicking his uncaring behind to the curb?" and "You said you have a soft spot for the dude but surely after all these years of emotional abandonment there is a sense of... doing unto him? So why the inertia, what stopped you from pulling the trigger?"

- Firstly, I love him. In this marriage, I always hope in time to come he will die before me, because the one who is left behind grieves. If i die before him, he will grieve and I do not want him to be sad.

- Secondly, by nature it is hard for me to pull any trigger. Unless it is to protect myself or someone. He loves me very much, in his own way. How to shoot?

- Thirdly, I do not feel a sense of .... doing unto him. It is like his handicap. There is another reason which I haven't tell. I understand his affliction. I, too, came from an abusive family and, once upon a time, I too was lost.

Whereas I have made peace (to a large extent) with my past, he hasn't. And so I waited for him to do so. And waited. And waited. And waited. 20 years passed by. And I end up with a 2-3 week case of mild depression as well. It's too harmful for me. I have to go.


New Member
Dear Fairyprincess,, 

I wish to deal with my marriage first, then ancillary matters eg: asset settlements and/or children later. This thread may not even be a suitable platform to discuss those issues by that time. The concerns you mentioned are good and valid, but I dont see any problems there at all.

Thanks, Fairyprincess


New Member
Hi miLo,

"Throughout the relationship, I was expected to not talk to anyone about anything about her. Not to my buddies nor my family. She sees it as a betrayal of her trust and violating her privacy."
- guess what, my hubby too. He is sooooo private I can't even say ANYTHING AT ALL about him, his family, his work, my problems with him to ANYONE. If he come to know about it, he will be so upset. Even anything like where our home is located is very sensitive and secretive and no one else is to know.

"I need to connect with people, talk about it while she expects me to bottle up everything about our relationship."
- My gosh! This is exactly how I feel.

"I was crying in bed alone for so many nights feeling completely helpless in the relationship."
- Thanks for being so transparent. I .... I am doing the exact same.

"Its normal to be emotional, to hang on, to feel completely weak and helpless. The fear of disappointing and hurting, just couldn't bear to do it. Till a point of realization that you cannot go on anymore. Tears will dry up. That is when you will finally let go."
- I hope this is the point of realization for me. I hope I will succeed this round to let go.

Thank you for your sharing, miLo, I really appreciate it.


New Member
Hi Torn_Guy,

Thanks for coming in. 

"No amount of advise or comments or suggestions from counselor, psychologist, family or friends could help except myself & with time, everything became clear. Don't rush to a judgement nor listen to someone to conclude ur findings because, you don't want to make decisions based on what others tell you, you got to be a mentor to yourself eventually & tell yourself what to do."
- I disagree. I am now at a crossroad and joining this forum had helped me very much. Practically all ladies are most supportive, and practically all the gentlemen are very willing to provide a listening ear as well as give different perspectives and options for me to consider. I might not be strong enough to mentor myself. Not everyone is. But this forum also serves as a bouncing board for me to think through my decisions and become more resolute. Thus, I can obtain the strength that i lack.

Your story of the cup and the overflowing boiling water makes a lot of sense. If it is just a bit of overflowing boiling water, one can still hold. If the amount is larger, it will become too painful. But when does it become too painful? I suppose for my case I had forgotten how much is painful enough.

"Rule of thumb is to make sure you are fair to yourself first by looking at yourself. Then, when you see yourself, then manage other aspects."
- I guess I can use that. Yeah, I haven't been fair to myself for the longest time. 

Your story 'He sleeps in a storm.' and "if we tend to the things that are important in life .... our lives will not be cursed with the aching throb of unfulfilled business .... We will never wallow in the agony of 'I could have, I should have.' .... And when it's time, our good-byes will be complete."
- Yeah, trying to do just that, except the part on wallowing. Wasn't really regretting what i didn't do, but my coming in here is to focus on getting the thing done this time round.

Thanks, Torn_Guy. Cheers.



New Member
Dear watching,

"If you decide again to let him have another chance, you could mitigate the contrast between your and his traits by learning to be apathetic to his non-reactions. But how to do it without frustrating yourself ?"

No, definitely not. The word Apathy does not exist in my dictionary.

“Best if he gets an epiphany -won’t happen"
- No, only in my dreams, I am afraid. And I should stop dreaming.


Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.
Bertrand Russell

Don't repeat your husband's mistake.


New Member
Hi Power,

I am slow at reading, so I am still stucked at 2 previous posts of yours:

"I think of death everyday... becos it is my motivation to live..... Death is the single most effective life-changing agent. i've embraced it as a fren for over 30yrs...." (Post dated Tuesday, January 29, 2013 - 11:16 pm SG time)    

"i go into a state where i imagine death as closely as i can... into a state of Nothingness... i go deeper n deeper into this until i am already there... i will start to see loved ones, living or dead... i can feel it, i also feel i'm dead... the feelings get intense, so intense til it builds to a point i just 'awaken' in cold swaet, and i feel like i just reached a stage of rebirth... the strong feeling of Nothingness comes back and just overwhelms me... tat's the best i can come to describing the Moment. it follows with an overwhelming urgency to see my wife, my kids, call my mum, and i can't wait for the day to begin, for me to Live the new day..." (Posted on Wednesday, January 30, 2013 - 12:21 am SG time)

Powder, the second post reminds me of meditation. But I think the motivation here is negative. You use negative force (death) to propel you into the positive (living). I look at it as using fear of death to motivate one to live their best. But in essence, fear is a negative emotion. Compare to waking up in the morning, drawing the curtains and looking out into a spectacular sunrise or a clear blue sky with dazzling clouds shining through it. Wouldn't that be a positive energy to harness and to embrace love and life in a better way? 


New Member
Hi Powder,

Wrt your post on Friday, February 01, 2013 - 8:00 pm SG time:

"there's stuff in there which i respect u and consider u a peer... thus i shared stuff with u at a higher plane. ... U cantrust me on this one Danielle - u already lead a much fuller life, and will continually do so..."

Thank you, Powder.

"i think Knowing that women like her exists - can only make u feel better in life .... sad that is has come to this... but i cannot lie to myself that she's worth saving... her life can only go downhill with that mentality."

Powder, I do lol a lot, but I do not feel better in life knowing that women like her exist. To me, she is worth saving, there is a good in everyone of us. I can try if not for the fact that I am going through something tough here.


New Member
And Powder, did you receive my PM about your more recent post? If not, can you PM me instead?

If you rather not, it's fine with me too. Cheers!!

PS: for some reasons, no one ever receive my PMs -.-


Well-Known Member
Danielle, such conflicts in personality cannot be resolved through compromise. It is a prison for the emotionally and socially extrovert.

My context is probably very different from yours. I had no expectations of her sharing anything, I respect her need for privacy, that's her right. I only needed her to trust me enough not to doubt my sincerity. Trust that I'm able to make my own judgement and caring for her interest and not impose her thoughts in everything. Trust is very important to most people especially men. Its so tiring and frustrating. When I think back, its freaking scary.

When I finally shared some details with friends, their reaction was like... WTF?!?

Maybe its just me.... if we need to explain everything to our spouses, there is no trust in the relationship. I do not need to know the reason for every actions, because I can trust her to always care for me interests as well. This is the fundamental for my marriage, without this, I don't see how I could be happy and free with the relationship.

There is only the need to align on things that are important to the couple and misunderstandings would cause frictions, we will fight and argue, trash things out and gain a better understanding of each other pov. If this is needed for every damn thing, there is no peace. To be frank, Danielle, how you are responding to basically everyone is quite scary in my context. Its kind of tiring maintain conversation with a person that seems to have an interpretation and response over every detail.

This is the reason I have been rather indirect in my initial msg to you.


New Member
Hi miLo, I can only envy you and what you have now in your marriage.

Earlier when I said I can't tell anyone about my hubby's family, work etc - it is not that I am such a gossip or blabber mouth, just to clarify. I was trying to say I can't say anything, not even anything. When my father in law retired from his work, my hubby told me about it like on the last day of his dad's work day (though he knew about it like for months), and then told me not to tell anyone. I said sure. Its weird to go around telling anyone that my dil has retired. I don't do such a thing anyway. The next time I met my dil, I asked him so what are you doing nowadays now that you have retired? I got such a scolding from my hubby. He told me that i am not supposed to tell anyone! Well, ..... I had taken the cue from then and had stopped mentioning anything about his anything to anyone.

Its okay the context is different, serious. The experiences strike a cord. And you are right about the prison. When Powder mentioned about the eagle and the cage, I didn't say but my fb profile pic is that of a cage with a woman inside, and I identify with that pic. In order words, I see myself in a prison.

"Maybe its just me.... if we need to explain everything to our spouses, there is no trust in the relationship. I do not need to know the reason for every actions, because I can trust her to always care for me interests as well. This is the fundamental for my marriage, without this, I don't see how I could be happy and free with the relationship."

You are right. I wish my marriage could be a fraction of what you have. I am happy for you.


New Member
"To be frank, Danielle, how you are responding to basically everyone is quite scary in my context. Its kind of tiring maintain conversation with a person that seems to have an interpretation and response over every detail. This is the reason I have been rather indirect in my initial msg to you."

Lol, miLo, I am glad you bring this up, hahaha. I was wondering why you are quite aloof here. I actually have a take on you prior to this, but i shan't tell you heh heh. I wonder if Torn_Guy feels the same ...... Hmmmmm ......

To be honest, I am rather good at this. I am personal with everyone I know, whether online or FTF. That's pretty much me. I am generally personal, warm and appreciative, and value each person i work or interact with. I would think anyone i meet in this forum for the first time and who tells me he/she feels for me would deserve a post saying thank you. And I make effort to say type your name properly, though it is difficult to do so because you use CamelFont. In other words, you and your preference is important to me. I also tend to notice little details especially in social interaction and dynamics. I am not as extroverted as you think, if you are thinking gregarious, but I am better at one-to-one. You can also say I am fairly intuitive. On top of this, i can multi-task well, and think pretty fast and in-depth at the same time. Plus, I do biphasic sleep or polyphasic or mono depends on my schedule, so that helps me become very time-efficient (do i sound like an egoistic prat? Lols)

Not on marital forums, but elsewhere on other forums of my interest groups, it is quite common I take on an entire thread on my own. Lols. That's something I feel silly to have to say it like that. But since you ask here in the open, I shall tell you just that.

Yeah, i am atypical.


As you can see...This woman is trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip. hee haww hee haw..

My new found allegiance lie with him, not her.

May the ending be swift and clean so life go back to normal.

20 years of tolerance is a long time, I applaud that man.


Active Member
hi danielle,

Death isn't a negative force, but a reminder of Life, a sign of the Clock ticking... dying without regrets and unspoken words is pretty much abt Living. the fear isn't of death... it isn't a fear... But A Realization.


New Member
miLo, I think i know what you were saying last night. I woke up this morning realising what you mean: Are you saying the way I interact in this forum reflects how i interact with my hubby? And so it is scary to you if your spouse is like!. this?

miLo, I interact in the forum for only slightly more than a week. Time is of essence for me to put across my story ASAP. I am supposed to file soon and i need moral support bad. In the forum, i spend time explaining myself for the first couple of days, another couple of days to fend off some promiscuous nonsense, as well as fending off the myth that my depression is so severe i can't think straight. Then basically the rest of the week was Q&A and enhancing understanding. I need this network and i need to establish it quickly, hence the need to explain in earnest. I don't have time. 

There is no need for me to talk like this to my hubby. I don't have just one week to explain something critical to him. In fact, how to explain if no one ask? He pretty much remain silent nor have he ever asked me anything about myself or what I am doing. I can sit right next to him and even text a male friend for 20mins and he basically does not care or bother to ask who. Its not a matter of trust here. He does not give a FD. I dont need to explain anything to him. Even if he is interested at first on something, and i explain it and i sensed he is not keen to continue, i will stop. I said i am intuitive, remember?

Recall how i interact with the first few posts of yours? The first post i misunderstood your intentions. Hence i explained your concerns. Subsequently i realised you are not keen, so was i too warm towards you? No, i gave you short point by point answers and sign off with my name. Tell me i didn't know you were not keen. I knew. Now tell me i couldn't stop chanting to you to explain everything to you when you are not keen. Of course not. I am not interested if you are not. Why impose on you if you are not keen? (to be cont'd)


New Member
(cont'd) My hubby responds somewhat like you. He is not interested in my affairs, miLo. So i can tell and i gave up trying. In case, you think he is just enduring me when i talk to him, then let me tell you something: he is not a pushover. Far from it. My hubby is a different man at home compared to when he is outside. At home, he is quiet, withdrawn and have his moods. While i appear to you to have a lot of say in everything, he is the ultimate decision maker at home. I am right at the bottom of his priorities list and he makes his decision according to his priority list. When he decides, he does it cleverly, not domineeringly. I said he is emotionally absent and bask in the here and now, which is true, but he is dead serious when money and career is concerned. He just stubbornly refuse to engage me in his marriage, otherwise financially and career wise he can hold his own just as well, if not even better. And does it charmingly.

He knows how to ask me to shut up. If he stares blankly and then change topic, its probably deliberate. When he ask me to shut it, it is unlike how you ask fellow forumers to shut it and stop discussing my case and generating hundreds of threads. My hubby knows how to put it clearly and nicely as well, when he is in the mood. You used too many words in your post to me yet dare not assert yourself clearly, and when it comes out it is tactlessly blunt. But why tell you negative things about him and parade it to the whole forum? This is essentially my problem with my marriage. His name need not be tarnished. You are in danger of projecting, miLo. There is just so much more you don't even know. Even my own family, you read it so wrong. Just because I can hold my own outside does not imply I am dominating with my family or in my marriage. I need to leave my marriage and I need moral support. I intend only to share the basic essentials. Don't apply your brand of psychology and read too much what you do not know.

miLo, once again, you have assume that the fervour I used to address every issue raised to me in the past one week in this forum reflects how I address every issue raised to me by my husband at home. There is nothing to address at home except to remember to get the maid to clean the grills! You are assuming! This is really disappointing, miLo, given that you are well respected from most of your posts and you are an old timer here. It is the exact same disappointment i get when I first posted and have Scope Guy laughing at me.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND IN CONTEXT, miLo. I don't have time to play with here. Plus, miLo, my situation is not common. It is expected that people will ask questions and want to understand more. I need their understanding and i try to be as honest as i can. I give examples to explain myself as clearly as i can. Chalking up more posts. I don't just present all the good points but also both sides (my hubby's) of the story as objectively as I could. Again chalking more posts. Perhaps in doing so, i chalked up so many posts in Torn_Guy's thread. But towards the second part of the week, it was pretty much clarification and Q&A, as i have said earlier. There is an interest in the situation I faced and some are interested to know more. miLo, not everyone have had your rich personal experience to tap from and find my explanations overbearing. 

If you notice, i usually, except for lolling at others' comments, address posts directly at me. if yourself and Ting Yi and momoftwo talks about my issue, I don't see the need to interfere, unless there is a significant misunderstanding. Seldom do you see me addressing someome's post to another, unless I need to clarify something. Except one time where i answer momoftwo's post to watching. That was NOT because of any allegiance i have with watching, in case you assume again, i hardly know watching! I took it up because momoftwo wagered her marriage! But usually i mainly respond to posts addressed to me, because i see the need to explain myself. (to be cont'd)


New Member
You need to understand how important this network is to me. Without the likes of Ting Yi, Powder and wandering helping me process, I would be still unable to take any step forward to file or to go hunt for a place to move out to. Perhaps Tomas and yourself find my story easy to understand. Tomas understood quick enough. And he helped me a lot the last couple of days. You had just revealed you had experienced somewhat similar situation but the context is different. Perhaps you find my posts too common sensical or extra because you have been there?

Each and every support i get here means a lot to me. This is coming from someone who had struggled alone for so long, and needed any bit of moral support she can get to file a divorce, as she had written right at the first post in the forum. Over the week, some of us have settled down to discussing even about the tragedy of the 2 boys who were run over the truck and how life is short and some philosophical takes of life. Some posts were between forumers joking about something else. Those also chalked up so posts too. Is it not acceptable to you, miLo? So what if people gets comfy around here? Does it bother you a lot?!

And yes, I chalk out some posts just to post to those silent readers/observers to say "thank you". That is just me. I wish to be polite and appreciative.  I suppose you find that intolerable and overwhelming as well. 

Yes, I know what i stand for and what is my marital situation very well and can respond in depth. I have walked up and down this road for 2 decades, failed 3 times and i questioned why, exploring from each angle and so yes, i do have my explanation and interpretation of my marriage. Do you have a problem with that miLo? It is like people asking you about your physiques, your favourite types of food, your personal likings, your character or personality. You have all the answers don't you? After all you are more than 20? So why can't I have all my takes too after 20 years in my dead-end marriage? If you tell me about your personality and character, and i say this is just you interpretation of things, wouldn't this sound absurd?

miLo, its fine that you are not interested, or find my storyline so mundane and common to you, or my postings so excessive and redundant. Its fine you tell others to shut it and stop discussing about my situation. But, please don't post to me or about my situation again. I don't need people to assume further and read with tinted glasses. I have had enough fending off. It is tiring. I told you to go away if you are not interested, nicely and politely by signing off with my name. Why didn't you?

I was just telling this friend of mine that I have basically explained myself in the forum and the next thing i need to do would be to take action. Then my second batch of posts followed. Now I wonder if this forum is really working with the likes of you and Scope Guy and momoftwo, making so many assumptions and raving away.


Well-Known Member
hi Danielle, once again. I did not assume anything. It is an observation that I'm seeing. You drew that conclusion, I did not discredit any of your reasons. Everyone has a reason for their behavior. Yes, it is impt for you for all these reason you mentioned, I respect that. However, it doesn't mean others would agree with it. For sure, everyone's context is unique in different ways, I'm in no way trying to be label you in a certain manner. I hope through the short exchanges, you would be able to understand how another person would feel and read from the interactions.

Its in your personality and traits, this is why the main message to you is about incompatibility. When basic needs conflict, it is hard to find common ground. I have learnt that common sense and values are never common. There is nothing to envy about. I wish you find your happiness. Cheers.


Well-Known Member
don't feel misunderstood.

The point in the feedback isn't to challenge the very reasons for your reactions. In fact, most will not dig into all the details when its overwhelming. It is an honest feedback on what I felt. Our impressions are mostly instinctive. (even though it can be so wrong!)

I duno why you have the idea I'm trying to shut you off. I'm not. This is exactly how you are reading too much into things and into directions that was never intended to. When done often enough, figure the natural reaction.


Well-Known Member
one other thing... do not lump me with scope or momoftwo. They ridiculed you in condensing tones. Did it?

What I did was went slow in the exchanges, shared my own personal experiences which you were able to identify with. When I saw you were more receptive, I clarified an initial feedback.

With that, you reactions have went pretty negatively extended with conclusions way beyond its intent of the feedback. I was indirect not because I wasn't interested, rather, I read how you would react. Unfortunately, you still reacted this way. I don't mean to offend.


New Member
miLo, I regret my actions and words this morning. I have my points but regret the way i put it across. My apologies for the unnecessary outburst on my part.

I prefer to deal with any issues quickly rather than sit on them, and so here goes:

This is potentially a last post I will answer you if we continue interacting in the same way. I have my reasons, if you care to read till the end of post.

There are many things you don't understand of me, either because i am not ready to share yet, or you havent ask of me. If you ask me, I most likely will tell you, as you can see from last week's posts. I clarify or explain or give my point of view when questions were posted to me. I tried not to be defensive. I tried to make my points clear as far as possible.

The way I read your text is this, and I quote your text: "Maybe its just me.... if we need to explain everything to our spouses, there is no trust in the relationship. I do not need to know the reason for every actions, because I can trust her to always care for me interests as well. This is the fundamental for my marriage, without this, I don't see how I could be happy and free with the relationship. There is only the need to align on things that are important to the couple and misunderstandings would cause frictions, we will fight and argue, trash things out and gain a better understanding of each other pov. If this is needed for every damn thing, there is no peace. To be frank, Danielle, how you are responding to basically everyone is quite scary in my context. Its kind of tiring maintain conversation with a person that seems to have an interpretation and response over every detail. This is the reason I have been rather indirect in my initial msg to you." (Posted on Wednesday, February 06, 2013 - 1:39 am SG time)

Your post was in context of marriage, and the part about me explaining, if this is needed for every damned thing there is no peace, and then followed by how I respond to basically everyone is scary, and it is tiring maintain conversation with such a person, and about me having interpretation and response over every detail. And you appeared to have held on to this notion for sometime, as early as our first interaction (though I dont quite understand why this is the reason you have been indirect in your first message to me - I mean, indirect as in? Your first message was full of good points. I can't get how indirect is that? Perhaps you are saying 'subtle'? Maybe? But you didn't get your point across to me. You need to be point blank. I can take point blank, not subtly slipped in this or that, if that was what you meant by indirect. But this is purely my observation, like many observations you have about me. So what is there to dispute about observations? (to be cont'd)


New Member
(cont'd) How I interpret your post was this: I explain like crazy to forumers here last week. The way I interact in this forum appears to you to reflect how i interact with my hubby at home. And it will freak you out if your spouse is like this. And you held this observation since our first interaction or maybe even earlier. I held some observations of you too. But there again, all are but observations to you, isn't it so?

At the risk of being said that i have to explain everything, let me say this the last time to you:

If indeed i read your text correctly, it became clear to me how your observations was very much your own conjecture. My interactions at home with hubby is barely existent and entirely different from how i conduct myself outside my home including this forum. Hence our separate lives. For some details on my marriage dynamics, re-read para 3 of my post to you Wednesday, February 06, 2013 - 7:34 am SG time as well as para 1 and 2 of my post on Wednesday, February 06, 2013 - 7:41 am.

I wanted to point out to you this morning, but alas not in a too amicable way, that no i don't interact with my hubby at home like this. I was upset first thing i woke up and my interpretation of your post hit me, yes i was angry. And my emotions overruled. It was most uncalled for. 

But your assumptions of my interactions are false. However you said you didn't assume: 

"hi Danielle, once again. I did not assume anything. It is an observation that I'm seeing. You drew that conclusion ..." ((Posted on Wednesday, February 06, 2013 - 9:27 am SG time)

If you didn't assume that, why your first post listed above is in context of marriage? And to you hence I am deemed scary and there will be no peace (the context being in a marriage) if i engage and explain everything to my husband incessantly, like I do in this forum? For surely that how i interpret your first post to me? Unless my English comprehension is CMI? Perhaps we don't use the word assume, or assumptions. We can use other words like premises or hypothesis or conjecture. If not, we can even stick with the word 'observation' as well. So, why you would 'observe' this of me in my home, from just one desperate week of me here in this forum?

I did say why i am time conscious and I wish to file ASAP. Refer to para 2 of my post Wednesday, February 06, 2013 - 7:34 am SG time. I didn't say this but each single day here is torture. I can't wait to leave (granted that i also cant bear to leave - so it is basically a case of 'the faster i get out of this huge mess, the better for me') And I do need people to understand and support and I found some, in fact quite a few, in this forum. I had also posted many thank yous and shown my gratitude, inevitably also adding on to the "hundreds of postings" (I am borrowing the words you have used previously to this thread) (cont'd)


New Member
(cont'd) miLo, I said you are not interested in my situation. Perhaps that was too blanket a statement. I would say on one hand you are, on the other hand you are not. Why do i say that? Usually you don't ask me, but gave me food for thought. Some are hardly relevant. But I still thanked you. 

Posted on Wednesday, January 30, 2013 - 4:02 pm:        
"Danielle, the reasons for the questions are not so for me"

Posted on Wednesday, January 30, 2013 - 4:11 pm: 
"MiLo On e RoCks, Thanks. I didnt know better. I thought you were asking me those questions for yourself, so I replied. Thanks, anw"

Your patterns of engaging is you tend to give feedback, then when I respond, you said it is just only me (food for thought? For my considerations?). ie you don't require a response. I closed the convo with a thanks. You came back with more "observations", you didn't attempt to ask me or clarify anything with me prior to giving observations. See below:

Posted on Wednesday, January 30, 2013 - 6:06 pm:        
"Danielle, what you didn't or may not have realize with the examples brought up was that you were always in (and dominant) in those conversations. Maybe talking to his friends to understand how he is without your presence ..... Questions about your dad strained relationship with you, wasn't to invade your privacy nor for curiosity sake. It is a suggestion to you that about an observation, you tend to dwell a lot into your own interpretations. To your family, they could feel unheard and confronted all the time by you. I know it is probably never the intention. Going back to ICT now..."

Here is another one:

Posted on Thursday, January 31, 2013 - 4:43 pm:        
".... its an observation not just from the use cases you spoke about but rather entirely, from your responses etc. .... I assure you that you do not need to share about your dad. The feedback is really providing you another view. If it is indeed irrelevant, then let it be. We can only read from what was observed and shared in here and I respect your need for privacy....."

Your way of engaging me is non-committal, from my point of view, you do not attempt dialogue, nor seek to understand or verify first. Rather you give your feedback or "observations", drop one and go, drop two and go. This is just my observation too. Sometimes your observations of me might be accurate, other times it may be based on unfounded assumptions (or rather 'observation') such as with my own dad. There is hardly any communication between you and me. I saw this trend between you and me and come to the conclusion that you are not interested to connect, or may be you are just not interested. I have no way of assessing accurately seeing that your method of engaging is such. Of course, this is another observation of mine, yet again. ( to be cont'd)


New Member
(cont'd) We are all entitled to our observations, arent we? But if your observations of me are based on false premises, and you tell me these yourself, I would like you to know so that you will get to know me better. From my vantage point, you are not really relating or trying to understand in the most effective way. Ask me direct and I will spill the beans, just like I have laid my vulnerabilities on the table for all to see. Then, when you give feedback, it will be more relevant and useful to me, wouldn't you agree? I am past the stage of playing games when relating with people. So I wrote this. I seldom sign off with my name Danielle. If I ever do, it is for a good reason. Can you make a quick guess from observation of this:

Posted on Thursday, January 31, 2013 - 7:18 pm:
"Hi miLo, It's okay. Thanks for your feedback. Cheers.  Danielle"

But I was also stupid to open a can of worms myself later when I said to you so miLo, this is how weak I am, I just gave 5 more days to drag or something like that. I regret that statement. Why address someone who does not want to dialogue? It is my bad judgement call.

And the rest .... Well, ended up like now, which is most unfortunate.

miLo, if you are really interested in my well-being, do not stand afar. Ask me and I might explain to you. You will know me better and able to give me your POV. I am not unreasonable. I will think seriously about what you have to say, just as I do for most of the forumers here. 

If you rather stand afar and "observe" like before, then it suits me fine. Just that, it is quite hard to have to decipher what indirect message you are trying to get through to me, and the feel (or observation) i always have when you post that you are either aloof or not engaging in dialogue, not entirely interested or holding some gawd-knows-what assumptions bad, i mean observation, in your head and not sharing. It does not benefit me at all, and if that being the case. I guess, you might want to give my saga a miss. That will be a good way for us to keep peace.

Once again, i regret my actions and words this morning. I regret the way i put it across. My apologies for the unnecessary outburst on my part. It was most uncalled for. Please forgive me. Peace.

My best regards to you and your marriage, bro.


Well-Known Member
Hi Danielle, no issues at all. We are not at war.

I do not chip in for the sake of personal interests. I point out something that I felt you might not be aware of. I have said what I believe I needed to. If you see relevance and value, its great. If not, I respect that as well. I do not always stand afar, it is in this current context that I believe its better this way because I foresee the reactions. No one waits for complete understanding of you before they make a judgement call. Decisions happens all the time and it can be in the split second to decide how and whether & how to respond based on our judgement of what seems likely to be suitable. It might be your personality to sincerely want to explore and uncover all shoes. Others might not appreciate that in all situations. This is my feedback, not everyone would appreciate your kind of passion in engaging others. Your husband is clearly finding it completely intrusive. Part of it is because of his extreme private personality and the other side of the picture is yours is directly conflicting making him cramp up deep in his shell.

There will be people that enjoy your company, I'm telling you not everyone would.

Most people do not spend time to engage, till the level that you do. Your marriage do not depend on the forum. Yes, you get listening ears, and different pov. But, you are having changes in your relationship now because of your actions you put to invoke the changes. Everything else are actually secondary. Powder or another forum cannot make you choose. The influence is limited to exactly how much you allow it to affect you.

I wish the best for your pursue for your happiness.