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PinkyDy,

oh dear... it's gonna be a tough decision especially u're pregnant now. Maybe u can try talk to ur FH again? Give him an ultimatum... either he change or u call off the wedding. I know some might say, go ahead with the wedding since u're pregnant.. but imagine IF he's going to stay the way he is in the future... its gona be tough when the baby is out, with all the expenses... is he going to be more responsible and cut down his extravagant expenses..? Or are u going to be the one supporting the family and fork out all the household expenses..?
 
He always say things will be better from 08 onwards when the debit is cleared. I dont noe if i have tat much of the patience to wait till then. But money is not realli the major concern to me. I juz feel tat everything tat happens, he will always pin point tat im the one tat coz him to react like tat. When he's angry, the things he say, he doesn't mean. He apologises after tat. But the whole process repeats again and again. Everytime he gets angry with me, he'll always say hurtful things which he claims he doesn't mean. And the reason for being angry definitely has something to do with me.
 
pinkdy, if your current issues not being resolved with your FH before marriage, it might end up divorcing later.
 
things will get better if he changes his way of spending..so wat if comes 08 he's debt is cleared?..if he still spend like a rich man, there will be another debt coming up..n god knows how he's going to clear his debt if he still continue spending??
 
Hi Pinkydy, so sorry to hear about your situation. I shutter at the similarity of the way your FH talks about things will be better from 2008, with my ex-husband. He used to tell me to look forward to the future which will be better than today. There was always a better day but it was never today. All in all I had waited six years and things just got worse instead. At the back of my mind I knew well that he was lying through his nose but still chose to buy his stories as I didn't want a divorce...
 
Hi Pinkydy

I guess the entire ball game just changes when you are preggie. On one hand, you are still very young and you have a life to lead, on the other, you have a future hubby and a baby in your womb who are seemingly 'tying' you down...

How old is your hb and how long have both of you been together before this marriage topic was talked about? Do you think he's mature enough to take care of you and your baby?

It's 'easy' to say things that you don't really mean. Apologise to him about the comment you'd made about your future MIL and tell him frankly how you feel. Sit him down and let him know the seriousness and the magnitude of the problem/issues that you are facing and will be going through after the big day.

Wedding day is just ONE day... you have the rest of the life to spend with him... Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with him?

Every girl, including myself, dreams of a wonderful wedding ceremony with our loved ones giving us their blessings... As a girl, i can understand your dilemma and your frustration...

But at the end of the day, it is how he's going to treat you after the wedding that matters...
 
Hi deadheart, I am feeling okay generally and pretty productive at work still. We didn't raise our voices but there was unhappiness from both sides. I admit that I feel more uncertain about myself than about him in this relationship. I just feel like letting it go now or leaving it to die its natural death. I admit that this is one side effect of the divorce - when problems pop up I will tend to think of the easy way out, which is to get out of the relationship. If I could survive a divorce, what is a relationship break-up.
 
sgbabydoll, i understand your uncertainity as you had recently undergo D. However, we cannot let ourselves be defeated by D. We have to be strong and find our new love.
 
Hi Gals, and guys,

It seems to be getting worse. Looks like there is not going to be an end to this. And also now it seems tat our mothers r both involved as well. He's juz acting damn blardy childish and stupid. I dont even want to speak to him after my future MIL called me. Asked me wat happened. I dont even noe wat to say when she asked me. I was juz damn blardy pissed. Im juz very sick and tired of this whole thing tat I think its better off to juz separate. As wat Hunky said, if continue like tat, it will also end up divorce. So dont even get into it, then wont have so much problems.
 
hi pinky,
have you spoke to your mum about your pregnency? do you forseen lifelong happiness with him?
if not, can you handle being a single mum?
 
hi pinkydy, when is the big day actually?

think both of you are still heated up to discuss. Give it some time to cool down. If after tat, still cannot resolve, then you will have to decide what is the best for urself.
 
Doll, guess after a divorce, we tend to become stronger. And for me, since i no longer believe in everlasting love, I will never pin high hope in relationships. To me, relationship is probably like dessert, good to have, too much just make you sick and fat. I prefer a good main course, my family
happy.gif
 
i wonder, after divorce or breakup,
1) how do u keep yrself bz with all sorts of activities or
2) how do u widen yr circle of friends

so that life continues easier without yr partner?
 
Howdy, Serene!

Hi Deadheart, although I know that my bf's the opposite of my ex (has compulsive lying problem and spendthrift), being straightforward and non spendthrift, why am I still scared of making a wrong choice again? Why can't I trust my own judgement anymore? I feel so sad for myself sometimes.
 
hi cheerie, are you a member of the 'le divorce' club, hahaha... kidding yah..

anyway, to give you some suggestions:
- join cc activities, they are not just for retirees k
- grow your hobby, either learn more about it by signing up courses or just spend even more time on it
- you may consider joining online dating services
- learn a musical instrument, this will definitely take up a lot of your spare time
all the above can keep you bz PLUS get to know more frens

but, I feel that deliberately keeping yourself bz to quit thinking about the unhappy stuff is only in the beginning, when you are ready to move on, you will be totally at ease with yourself, your new life, and start to enjoy being single, like myself
happy.gif
 
hi cheerie

in the 1st place, i dun understand y would ppl forget abt their own circle of frens after they get attached..to me its a big NO NO..i seen too many frens who juz totally vanished after they get into a rship n when shit happens..then they come looking back for their frens so i would think frens r the most impt after family so dun keep them in the 'freezer' regardless of wat

1. for me i've been more busy than ever at work ever since i started the so called separation..time juz passed so quickly during workdays sometimes flying in n out n b4 i know it..weekend is here n besides sleeping in :P i try to play some tennis, catch up over wine sessions with kakis, watch silly movies by myself at times etc..theres so much to do!

2.seriously most of the ppl i get in touch with nowadays r from my work industry..otherwise it will b frens of frens n such..i dun hav much time to 'make' new frens anymore n i oreadi hav problem trying to catch up wif ppl i known for decades so intention of knowing new ppl isnt a draw for me ;)
 
Doll, pls dont feel sad for yourself, we have grown wiser and therefore tends to make more rational judgement. This will save us from possible future heartbreaks, we learnt from our lessons, right?

I dont feel that being skeptical about love is a sad thing because I dont believe that love is everlasting, unless its the love from your parents, its everlasting and unconditional.

no matter how deeply you love your partner, many things can happen that make them stop loving you.

I have stop pinning hope on finding the so call true love, no hope no disappointment...
 
Cheerio, I think I have definitely become wiser and less 执著, not necessarily stronger. When things are going well I am full of confidence but I feel easily discouraged with myself over a hiccup, like what happened yesterday. I know how to get out of a relationship fast if and when things get tough and beyond me, but seems like I don't know how to keep a relationship anymore?

Well, I still believe in everlasting love but not everyone has the luck to find it. So, it's not a must-have but a good-to-have. If my current relationship becomes everlasting, then I am in luck. Otherwise, guess it's not a big deal.

This is how I feel ever since divorce.
 
hey Sgbabydoll *kisses* to cheer u up kekeke

dun sad leh..if u so positive oso can feel sad then i jia lat oreadi lah

end of monday liao so come on, giv me a smiley hehe
 
Cheerio - I believe in everlasting love because my parents and three other siblings all have a blissful marriage. I am happy for them and have also accepted that my love life is just tougher than anyone else's.
 
sgbabydoll, you wrote "...have also accepted that my love life is just tougher than anyone else's."

If you're referring to your divorce, let it be clear that the tough life(with your ex-hubby) is over. Yours is a clean sheet of paper to begin with; to find someone who is better suited to you.

If you're also referring to your current bf in regards to that minor hiccup, let it be fair to him that you ought to be recovering from your lack of confidence (in marriage). Confide in him if necessary. Also, as i wrote earlier, we all have weaknesses but couldn't see 'em on our own perspective.

Cheer up yeah...
 
hi sgbabydoll, sometimes our past experience will "make" us become more prone to be doubtful of a r/s. Give urself more time as ur D was only 8mths ago, the scar is still there although getting "lighter" as the days pass. Talk to you bf about your thoughts and fear if possible. If he care enuff abt you, he will try ways to diffuse those negative thoughts/feelings from you.

I'm no better than you now except to find peace with my boi, who give me uncondition love
happy.gif
 
hi Sgbabydoll,

"I still believe in everlasting love but not everyone has the luck to find it."



I also believe in lasting love, but i believe its only achievable through hard work, not luck.

Note that i din use the word 'everlasting' cos i felt this word doesn't do effort any justice. In addition, i believe that nothing is forever, hence i only believe in creating a BETTER NOW.
 
Hi pigcahontas, I worked very hard for my previous marriage but it failed under my nose. Everyone who heard what I had done for my ex all took their hats off me. I was a very giving wife and always gave my best. So, my conclusion about love, lasting or everlasting, has got more to do with luck than anything else.
 
Hi Deadheart

I hardly talk to my bf about my past except during the two months when we were still friends, because I feel that it's not fair that he has to pay the price for some bad things done by others. Even when I do talk to him about something related to the divorce I stick to facts and not touch on the negative emotions. I don't know if I have done right or wrong...

Hey, I also have an ah boi but he is my dog who is 6.5 years old
happy.gif
 
Vios, I was referring to the divorce. I am and will never be a clean sheet of paper as I carry some baggage of the previous relationship. I cannot forget it because I take lessons from it.

I know my own perspective is not always right and never insist that I am always right.
 
hi deadheart,

Understanding that yesterday has already passed and tommorrow has yet to come. I believe that life is living for the 'here and now'. In fact, after adopting this belief, i no longer keep lovely messages in emails or sms from my love ones, neither do i guard gifts of sentimental values so dearly. This is because the past memories, no matter how good, has already passed. Life changes, good things won't last forever, neither would bad. The thing i can do to be better than the past good memories is to create them NOW. Similarly, what seems to be bad in the future has not come and it may not be so if we create a better NOW.


It requires a lot of efforts to create a better now and i'm still learning day by day. However, it becomes easier if the beliefs and practices becomes habitual. I apply this to almost all aspect of my life but i'll zoom in to r/s for this post. i'll list some of the basic qualities here.

1) Ability to reflect.

2) Seek to understand first, than to seek to be understood. Don't assume, don't speculate (esp. negatively), always seek to find out.

3) Effective communication. Just talking it out is never enough. The book 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' offers good perspectives and techniques to effective communication.

4) Knowing the meaning of your life. Determining what you want in life. Be focus. From what i observed, people who have not defined their meaning of life are often lead around by their life situations, hence becoming the victims of circumstances.


What i've listed may not be holistic, as this is what i can think of at this moment. It also takes experience to learn and even to know what to learn. Maybe you can add to my list if you know more.
 
Hi Sgbabydoll,

"I was a very giving wife and always gave my best."

I felt that in most aspects of life, hard work is needed but hard work in itself is never enough. We must first know WHAT and HOW to work on. Just like what i mentioned in my previous post, it takes experience to learn what to learn. Reflection is a good way to begin learning.

In addition, i felt that being a giving wife may not be healthy for us nor to the r/s, cos it drained us so much faster than we could replenish. In the long run, we become needy. When we are needy and the spouse is not ready to provide more support, we become disappointed and helpless. As a result, the r/s may turn into one which is heavy with meaningless responsibilities, hence the r/s has lost its initial meaning, when it first begun with love.


"I am and will never be a clean sheet of paper as I carry some baggage of the previous relationship. I cannot forget it because I take lessons from it."


I believe that taking lessons need not be in the form of baggage. Taking constructive lessons only means the person has grown wiser. Unless one has learned to be helpless about situations. Btw, as much as i could, i believe i start on a clean fresh sheet of paper everyday. The only difference is, by each day, i've learnt how to utilize the paper better. You can too, if you believe so.
 
pigcahontas,
pardon me, but i think what you mentioned are too theory based. you can say that it has been tested and proven effective, but same theory used on different pple will give rise to vastly different results, simply because, no two persons think alike on everything. the same theory might be applied differently.

and when you mention reflection and communications, what will you do if its the other party who has not done enough of those? you cant possibly force them to open up or to think from your perspective, nor can you change your belief or force yourselve to agree to the other party.

like Doll, I think I am quite a giving partner as well, and I dare to say that we dont give because we want something in return, we do what we did because we feel that its our duty to do so, by saying that, i mean it in a very willing manner, not with obligations. but when after being dutiful and the end result is so negative, you cant help but feel bitter about it right? and this has nothing to do with us wanting something in return.

btw, what is your status? married? single? I am not trying to challenge you, but I honestly feel that only pple who have gone through what we have been through will empathise with us.
 
I think it is possible to be the giving kind and yet the marriage still fail. But still I feel there is no need to be bitter about it.

There is everlasting love, perhaps it has not happen to us and we have failed although we tried very hard and gave a lot. Sometimes we gave a lot but what we gave may not be what was wanted and needed and even what we gave was wanted and needed there is no guarantee that it will lead to a blissful marriage.

The most important thing to me is to give my best and when it is still not good enough, then we move on.
 
i still feel bitter at times, its not healthy i know, but it just takes a long time to recuperate.. but i am stronger now, and who knows, i might believe in love again one day
happy.gif
 
cheerio, see more open. Ultimately if you are bitter only yourself will be affected. If you are not bitter, you will feel so much better.

Love is always there. Be hopeful.
 
easy to say loh, see open, i also want to, i also dont want to keep remembering the fond memories of the past, dont want to be reminded of him from things around me, dont want to weep sometimes when I hit the bed. but, easier said than done.

but alas, I can only console myself to see open, there are worse cases than mine, at least I still got my family and friends behind me.

sometimes i just think that although the wound has healed and not bleeding anymore, i still feel the phantom pain from time to time..

but like i said, i am getting stronger, i am so much better now than my 'darkest period'.. so when I heard pple whimpering that they cant forget their ex, i always tell them in a very old wise tone that "you will, just a matter of time", and I pat pat them on the shoulder..

hahahaha...
 
cheerio,

aiyo. My wife left me almost three years ago. And till today I still have to face her almost everyday. If I cannot see open, how do you think I can survive?

I am not saying just for the sake of saying because it is easy. But at times we make it difficult for ourselves by not seeing open.

By the way, our wedding portrait is still hanging in the bedroom. Her clothes are still in the closet. And tonight she came back and was still nagging like a wife. I would be dead long time ago if I have not mastered the art of ignoring her.
 
Good Morning everyone, think i'm the 1st one to start work cum surf net
happy.gif


hi sm, how come ur wife stuff are still in the hse? hasen't she moved out?

hi sgbabydoll, you dun have to talk abt neg things to ur bf. you can tell him how did the failed marriage impact you, etc. Communication is very impt in a r/s, we should never assume the other party to understand what's going on in our mind.
 
morning everyone...

i'm in office early too!

I agree with cheerio. Time will indeed wash away all pain...

SM: I admire your strength and courage for being able to face her daily without feeling resentful... I dont think i would be able to do that...

SGbabydoll: try not to bring your 'baggage' from your previous r/s to this one as it will only weigh you down further. Learn from your past mistakes and try to enure that you do not repeat them in your new r/s. Every individual is different. Keep an open mind and heart and try not to assume...
 
SM, what can i say but... 佩æœï¼Œä½©æœ..
I mean it, seriously, you have really mastered the art of 看ing 开.
 
work in town n work in suburb is v diff lor..apart from compelled to dress nicely, there's also more resturants to eat in..of cos end up spending more $ also
 
ya, i think its "in-built" that those working in town dress very nice. For me, i can come to work in tees and jeans
happy.gif
For makan, its either in the cpy canteen or outside coffee shop. If really want to go resturant, need to travel a distance.

One good and bad thing abt working in tuas is that we start and knock off earlier as compared to those working in town. No idea about the rest, but i prefer the early dismissal as that means i will have more time in the evening.
 
i worked in town all along..but i went to industrial park area b4..ya, the pple there like dress down everyday, mostly in tees n jeans..u dun see tat often in town area unless its friday..

depend on ur position or the work u handling...most pple wont knock off early too..these days pple worked longer than offical time
 


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