Thanks for all supporting friends here. This will be final post and an update of PI's findings of my suspicions and a question if someone can give a useful response to.
When I saw the report and pics I nearly had a heart attack ... but all is good now. I can now move on with full honor and not let this-type of people (wife & her lover) hurt me anymore. I will ask wife to sign divorce papers after CNY and then I will move out and find another love with zest and dignity. I will ask wife to return me half the cash she stole from our joint account (all contributed by me).
Btw, I am slightly disabled from my comatosed state 4 yrs ago. I now can walk (not jog), drive and take care of myself. I am 40% of my former strength. Still exercising to improve my mobility.
I nearly had a heart attack when I saw the report/pics becos wife's lover is (now was) my best friend (a married man with 2 kids) !!!! I have known him since Primary 1. I just said to PI, "Thank you for your excellent work and paid him his dues."
I will not publish the report on FB if wife settles amicably and not continue to tell her siblings I have lost my mind (koo koo old man). I also do not want to hurt lover's wife and children whom I know. Lover had extra-marital affairs before which his wife knew and they are not in good terms now ... with this issue exposed I think it will be very painful for her (I don't want to be the cause of this exposure). As I think deep on this issue .... it will end badly and I just let them (wife & lover) deal with the emotional trauma caused.
I did confide with my best friend (her lover) some months back. I told him "I think my wife is having an affair in the office." Then, I was surprised his face turned pale and he slowly told me "No la. She is a loving wife and maybe her corporate duties took some of her time la." Then, I was thinking "Good fella. Really thinking not to strain our wife/hubby relationship."
Hmmmm .... I really really cannot comprehend why a best friend would do such a thing to me? I am also certain he had told my wife all my secrets (which he and me only knew) .... no wonder wife looked at me with disgust when I woke up from coma.
Should I let my children (aged 28 yrs & 30 yrs) see the report when I divorce with wife?
Now, planning my move after CNY.
Hi...
First of all...I am sad that such a tragic thing happened to you too...as a fellow traveler...I cannot help but emphasize with you on what you had to go through....especially when your best friend and children involved.
Even though you have made your decision..I am posting some general thoughts due to my limited time....which may be helpful to fellow forummers who may be facing the same predicament as you...
1) What to do next?
Do you love her? Are you seeking for justice for her infidelity or hoping for her to return to the marriage?
If you love her....and want her to return to the marriage...your desire for justice will have to wait. This will determine the next outcome you will do.
If you don't love her...her infidelity is definitely an opportunity for you to leave her within 6 months. You have to file this within 6 months of your discovery with detailed evidence of her infidelity. Your divorce lawyers would be more than happy to assist you on this.
2) If you still love her...
Notice that I asked how you feel instead of how she feel towards you? Coz unfortunately, at this stage...she is already thick into her fantasy land. In her perfect world constructed with her affair partner...she would have falsely assumed that your children will approve of what she did and that her affair partner will leave his family for her.
However the hard truth is that when shit hits the fan...her fantasy lover will most likely leave her...waking up from this make believe world which two of them constructed..Judging from what you mention...I am very inclined to believe that her lover will leave her...and then she would realise that all these are just artificial world which could never withstand the test of reality.
Nevertheless, her next step will depend on what type of affair is she carrying out? A class 2 affair (which your wife thought that she is genuinely in love) or class 3 affair (sexual addiction) or something more?
https://books.google.com.sg/books?i...ult&ct=result&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false
If she falls under a class 2, you have to find ways to separate her from her lover to wean her from the "addiction". However, unfortunately this might take months before she realize the mess she has gotten herself in...
However, if she is certain that she had no love for you...her affairs are just an excuse for her to leave this marriage
3) what have you contributed to the state of this marriage you are in right now?
The way to get your wife to talk is not to accuse of her affair why she did it etc. This will make her defensive and refuse to talk and you will be pushing her deeper into the arms of the lover....
If you examined what you could have done or what is missing from the marriage...talked to her from that Pov...there a much higher possibility that you can open up an open communication channel between both of you that she might be willing to sit down and tell you what has been missing from the marriage all along.
Of course, all these reasons are not excuses for her to commit the ultimate most selfish act! Rather, this is a strategy for her to TALK. coz only by TALKING and COMMUNICATION that your marriage stand a chance to survive. Believe it or not...karma will make her pay what she has reaped...but now the most ultimate goal is to make her talk. This will allow you have a chance to work towards saving the marriage.
4) What about the children?
Believe it or not....children...regardless of how grown up or educated they are .....will be
affected by what has happened. In fact, from today onwards...whatever both of you did will be forever ingrained in their mind; they will emulate whatever choices which you two have made in their future marriage....after witnessing the hostility which both of you exhibited...or even blaming both one of you for the shit mess that both of you have created. Even if she is the one in wrong, they would have hoped that both of you try to make things up before choosing the path of separation and ultimately divorce. Studies have shown that unless violence is involved, no children would ever wish for their parents to be divorced. If you two have tried to work things out they would respect the choices which both of you have made. However all these have to be done without the 3rd party involved.
5) Educate yourself!
Choosing a quick divorce right after D-day and not arming yourself with sufficient knowledge is the worst strategy to handle a marriage under siege. Take time to read up; get advice from marriage experts. Sadly in our culture today, because of our own fears ....
our society has this belief that staying within a marriage when the partner has strayed is the new shame. This is because the reason why they condemn such acts and urged the betrayed partner to leave immediately upon discovery is to give
an overt signal to their own partners that they will never accept this kind of behavior.
They have hoped that this would make them immune to being betrayed too! They might even berate you for attempting to repair the marriage. However, they would exhibit this kind of behavior because of their self serving beliefs. Also, asking Divorce lawyers for assistance so early in the discovery is also very inadvisable; they would cloud your judgement because most of them would want to make $ from your messy divorce.
Hence, seeking advice in forums can become a double edged sword....which is why educating yourself with affair recovery books etc should be your first priority. If you have read up books and done your own research, you would have found out that people who divorced are much worse off; yes, you and your wife would be much worse off; in terms of financially, psychologically, relationships with families and children and so on. Whatever pain which you have experienced will transmit and infect your future relationship. Which why it is the most beneficial for you to think carefully before doing anything, for the sake of yourself and your children!
Lastly, I hope my small piece of advice would have helped somehow. Good luck!