Is Wife Having An Affair?

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by Adrian7878, Oct 9, 2017.

  1. Adrian7878

    Adrian7878 Member

    We just celebrated our 30th anniversary. We have 2 grown children and a 21-yo godson. We had a loving relationship and wife had an emotional affair with her colleague 10 yrs ago (when I was nearly financially ruined). Praise God I was wonderfully restored (financially) to what I had hoped for. Now, my children are overseas graduated and in good jobs.

    3 years ago I had a medical mismanagement issue that nearly took my life. I was semi-comatosed for 2 years (bed-ridden and cannot hold a conversation) and woke up ... spent 6 months physiotherapy to learn how to walk and talk again. Wife is holding a high corporate position and we were financially free (independent accounts). Noticed wife coming back after midnight (Mon-Fri) and when I kissed her, tasted alcohol in her lips.
    I told her to resign as the job is so demanding and we don't need the good cash she brings in. She said "No. I enjoy my work." She now comes home by 7 pm and my physical condition is gradually improving daily. Found she took $600K from our joint account.

    Noticed she whatsapp from 10 pm onwards and smiling/giggling after long texting sessions. One night I got out of bed to living room at 11 pm, she was texting and quickly left for bathroom (to delete phone logs & chats). When she got out from bathroom, I asked "Who is the secret friend you have been texting almost every night?". She replied "My private matter. You don't have to know." I told her "You both are texting in my time. I didn't get to spend time with my wife. You both can text during office hours and I won't bother. As an incentive, we can divorce to give you more freedom for your private activities." She said "No." I wondered why?

    Getting a PI to snap pics of her 'outside' activities. If got evidence of her affair, I will file for divorce.

  2. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    How old are you both
  3. buddhabar

    buddhabar Active Member

    Frankly, its not abnormal for gal to text and giggle to themselves . 8 or 80 yr old doesnt make it different . Perhaps you two need to discuss about the unilateral 600k withdrawal. "My private matter. You don't have to know." Depending on the tone, this could have very different underlining meaning. Dont jump the gun.
  4. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    Your wife is not having an affair. It is her right to choose again. You in the first place failed as a man, who ask you to be sick? You cannot blame your wife from trying to improve her life with the true man of her choice. And that 600ķ? Be a man and give her!
  5. meiji5

    meiji5 Member

    Do exercise some caution in your reply and don't apply it to your situation that you have gone through.
    No one asks to fall ill and it does not require you to berate them either.
    Hope you can provide more constructive comments rather than focusing on whether a person is a local or a failure, that is not for us to decide or judge.
    newproject and SingleGal like this.
  6. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    Why so defensive? Can't handle the truth?
  7. buddhabar

    buddhabar Active Member

    What "truth" are you referring to ?
    "Your wife is not having an affair. It is her right to choose again" how is this ok while she is still married. I dont understand your perspectives .
  8. Infernolord

    Infernolord Active Member

    Honestly, after several of "her" replies, i think it's a "he" and a troll that trying to disguise as a lady.

    The way u replied really give you away.

    Pathetic and shame of you to not even able to be yourself and resort to such nonsense and childish ways.

    Period. You dont have to revert back and defend that you are a "her" unless you be honest to yourself and reveal some truth. No one in this forum will give a shit what you said.
    CelynJui, miloice and newproject like this.
  9. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    Don't know how you local men can be so weak lah? You cannot respect a woman's right meh?
  10. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    Oh no...not again? Do you have something more creative?
  11. Adrian7878

    Adrian7878 Member

    Sorry Cath.rina, I don't think local men are weak. If you are dating, your man is not up to it then you can choose other men but not when you are married.

    As for my wife, I asked her if she wanted a divorce so she can find someone else freely ... she replied "No." and behaved properly. Now home by 7pm and no more texting at home. I told her lovingly "If caught red handed, I will throw divorce papers at you. .
    SingleGal likes this.
  12. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    Is it very hard for you to be more gentlemanly enough to let her go?
  13. SingleGal

    SingleGal New Member

    I think your wife treasures you and the marriage. Don't worry too much about the texting. Perhaps she is really innocent and she could be giggling when texting a female friend (i am a girl and i also giggle and laugh when texting my female friends). Most important is that she has listened to you. I hope you will put the past behind you. All the best to you and your wife. May your marriage get stronger.
  14. meiji5

    meiji5 Member

    I wasn't even being defensive but just suggesting that you could provide something more constructive.
    But whatever you take out of anyone's comment, so be it.
    SingleGal likes this.
  15. SGoutcast

    SGoutcast New Member

    I have whatsapp chat groups in which we would chat until crazy hours into the night... very bitchy groups, really!!! Definitely giggling all the time.

    As for the $600K. Perhaps your children are closer to your partner and she knows something about the children and you don't. You both need to communicate.

    I'm just stating the other possibilities besides the possibility of affair.

    Good luck
  16. w26

    w26 New Member

    When 1 day u are sick I hope your hubby dump u and take all your money. There is something called "karma" in this world.
  17. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    This will never happen. Because I am telling the truth.
  18. cjkc

    cjkc New Member

    I really don’t understand why we have to reply to whatever Cath_rina says . Lol .
    Don’t know how old she is but seriously so childish. Like as if Adrian wants to get sick ...

    I mean seriously how old is she ? I’m 26 and at least I know what’s in the right mind to say... tsk.

    That aside (let’s not waste anymore time on her) ,
    Adrian , glad to her that you guys spoke it out or like be frank about the whole divorce thing . Really hoping that it won’t come to that. I guess no matter how long you guys have been tgt in this marriage , communication is still something every couple needs to work out .

    Esp maybe to clarify what that 600k was for (it’s still a big sum of money) and if it’s a joint account I believe u have the right to know .

    I mean 30 years of marriage I’m sure divorce is still not the way to go.
    You guys have lasted that long , I just don’t wanna see you end up like my bf’s cases he’s dealing with . Some 40 - 50 years and then divorce it’s really sad .

    Hopefully you guys work out well!
    Then again, I’m just commenting and not telling you what to do .
    I believe you’ll know what to respond wisely to any situation with your wife come what may.

    :) cheers .
  19. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    Another local man cannot handle the truth.
  20. HuiWen86

    HuiWen86 New Member

    Hi,Adrian...I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with your wife to find out what's going on in her life.

    From my POV based on your account of events,I don't think she is having an affair and that's why you need to talk to her and agree on certain issues rather than leave them hanging and no closure for the matter.

    It is 30 years of marriage mind you...And not easy to see marriages last that long.Keep on maintaining it with TLC and you will reap the fruits.

    Communicate with your spouse more and I am sure there will be better understanding between the two of you.

    Noted that she has been coming back early and no more texting.

    I like to think that is a good sign of improvement.
  21. cjkc

    cjkc New Member

    If you would have seen my profile Ms Cath_rina, I am a female, 26 this year . And I seriously think you have issues with local man. I’m sorry to see that from you that perhaps you have been hurt by someone (local man I guess?)

    I see you’re with a French boyfriend now ? All the best .
  22. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    Wait till you get your first caucasian bf and you will agree with me that local men are useless de
  23. Adrian7878

    Adrian7878 Member

    She finally confirmed she clubbing out there with a group of friends (5/6 of them ... ladies and men). Initially, told me she only out with few female colleagues. Once I called her at 11 pm, and asked where she was ? So I can go and get to know her friends, she replied "No." and came back immediately.

    It was very hurting then ... now no issue already. I am leaving her in mid 2018 (after daughter's wedding). She made me felt a 'hindrance' to her clubbing action. She told me "You can join me on Wednesdays only. Thursdays & Fridays I want to be with friends only .... nobody brings their spouse ... paiseh la." Broke my heart to pieces .....
  24. GreatScotch

    GreatScotch Member

    I am sorry to hear about this. You can drop me a message If you need a listening ear.
  25. Adrian7878

    Adrian7878 Member

    I had several talks with her already. First when I woke up from coma after 2 yrs. She not happy to see me getting better ... cos planning to intern me at hospice. Children got me physio therapy help for 6 months to helped me learn and talk again. Wife NEVER even accompany me to physio sessions ... I took cab to treatment center on my own as wife needed to go for her gym weekend workouts. When I got better and able to speak, we went to Bangkok for family holidays.
    1. I told her I noticed changes in her behaviour and closeness we used to have lacking. If she had an affair, I will close the issue and move on with her again. She said "I have my needs."
    2. I also asked if she wanted divorce if her 'affair' not ended yet. She said "No."
    3. I felt angry but she not aware (I didn't tell her) was she no longer wears our wedding band and the 1-carat diamond ring I bought her. She wearing a nice trendy ring instead of our wedding band on her left ring finger now.
    4. I also told her we should go for counselling to repair our relationship. She said "I have no issue. You are the sick one ... you go on your own."
    5. Started back to clubbings .... Weds to Fridays and back around midnight.

    Are these acceptable?
  26. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    Yes. Acceptable. It is her rights and you must accept it.
  27. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Writings are on the wall. Do what it takes.
  28. nanastar

    nanastar New Member

    In which universe it’s acceptable?
  29. nanastar

    nanastar New Member

    Not to be mean, but isn’t your wife a little too old for clubbing? A lot of stuffs can happen in 2 years when you are in a coma. Maybe all that suffering she gone through while you are in a coma shaped her this way.

    Anyway. This is not acceptable for me. I’ll have a serious talk if I were you, if she is not interested, then present her with the divorce papers. That might make her talk. There’s no point living with someone who don’t love you and cause hurt to you mentally.
    insecure_me likes this.
  30. imcoffeelover

    imcoffeelover Member

    thats a member from another universe. you can ignore.
  31. Adrian7878

    Adrian7878 Member

    She is not loving as we were before my comatosed. I suspect she found out I took her out of my will cos withdrawn $600K from joint account.

    I cannot handle why she needs clubbing (Wed-Fri) until midnight and I am not able to join. I am putting all these behind and looking forward to future.

    I told her I went to psychologist session today. She asked why? I told her I wanted to assess if I am ready/able to live on my own. She turned around with joy and asked "You want me to find a place for you?" Darn .....
  32. margret

    margret Member

    I think her heart is not with u anymore
  33. Adrian7878

    Adrian7878 Member


    She looks something (90%) like this and does not look older than 45 yo. Not a single gray strand on her scalp. No wrinkles on face and neck. Goes top spa to maintain her looks every week and yearly to Seoul for treatment ... for past 10 yrs.

    I am ok and ready to move on.
  34. buddhabar

    buddhabar Active Member

    I feel for you but it's quite clear what is not right here. Tho being a divorcee, i do not advocate divore but in this case it seems both of you have ended the chapter on your own. I dont think this divore is going haunt anyone. It would be a overdue conclusion. Take care pls.
  35. clem

    clem Member

    Just to share view from different perspective, before you make any damaging move. :)

    First of all, congrats on regaining your health; it's like second chance of life, though it's no longer the same as the original one.

    You lost 2 years, it's unfortunate, but I believe it was not easy for your wife and children too.

    You woke up in 2016 and realized she's not the same old her that you know; you find her not so loving anymore, but you haven't shared how she and children had gone thru that 2 years; your posts only tell us she is enjoying life, well-maintained, successful in career, having suspicious activities outside.

    You also haven't shared much about your current situation... are you fully recovered? Are you back to your original self, who was healthy, loving, confident and charming? More importantly, does she also feel that you have changed?

    This may sound cruel as you are the one badly ill, and your wife/family are obliged to take care of you. But from her perspective, probably she find it hard to give up her current lifestyle... and your current state is not fit to join her circle of friends/colleagues? You mentioned she hold a high corporate position.

    Is she having an affair? Yes it seems obvious, but still you have no evidence base on your posts. Therefore I would suggest you hold on your impulsive move before you find out more.

    At this stage I would suggest you to work hard on regaining your health, fitness and self-confidence first, while trying to find out what had changed her, and how she feels towards you waking up.

    I sincerely wish everything will turn out well on your side, all the best.
  36. Adrian7878

    Adrian7878 Member

    1. Children are very happy I awoke from coma and my current state of getting better.
    2. I am undergoing psychiatric sessions to assess whether my mentality and alertness is normal.
    3. I have not make any demand of her time. She is the one who sets schedule for me.
    4. Have been very sweet to her and acting bed ridden .... PI will start work tomorrow.
  37. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    From what you have shared, it doesn't matter what happened in the 2 years. What is clear, she has closed the chapter and moved forward with life without you , your waking up is a rude shock to her, hence her unhappiness. She has no intent to stop her current life, something she is clearly enjoying without you. So, just do the PI work and get the divorce settled. It takes 2 to tango. My feeling, her refusal to divorce has nothing to do with your relationship, nor the family unit. She is lying through her teeth.
  38. Zachary

    Zachary New Member

    Good luck, I hope you get what you are searching for and end things cleanly... this is mentally draining and hurting... so if your other half is more well to do, she has to split half her assets to you as well?
  39. Dan B

    Dan B New Member

    doesnt sound like anything worth salvaging...
    your only loss is that woman's charter won't cover your financial needs if youre relying on her ...
    i hope you have made good investments over your last 30 years and wish you all the best
  40. Adrian7878

    Adrian7878 Member

    PI came up with comprehensive report with pics. She cannot deny it anymore.

    I will move out and demand a divorce settlement .... after I find someone who would care for me.
  41. buddhabar

    buddhabar Active Member

    At least it' comes to a conclusion, you can start your new chapter now, your second halve of your life can
    and will be better. Live the life you always wanted without the nagging at the back of your head. Bless you!
    miloice and BobbyMaroony like this.
  42. Dis_heart

    Dis_heart New Member

    Adrian, jiayou... wish u will find someone that appreciates you more :)
  43. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    Typical local men. Why don't you just leave her? You still need someone to care for you? Mama boy?
  44. Adrian7878

    Adrian7878 Member

    Thanks for all supporting friends here. This will be final post and an update of PI's findings of my suspicions and a question if someone can give a useful response to.

    When I saw the report and pics I nearly had a heart attack ... but all is good now. I can now move on with full honor and not let this-type of people (wife & her lover) hurt me anymore. I will ask wife to sign divorce papers after CNY and then I will move out and find another love with zest and dignity. I will ask wife to return me half the cash she stole from our joint account (all contributed by me).

    Btw, I am slightly disabled from my comatosed state 4 yrs ago. I now can walk (not jog), drive and take care of myself. I am 40% of my former strength. Still exercising to improve my mobility.

    I nearly had a heart attack when I saw the report/pics becos wife's lover is (now was) my best friend (a married man with 2 kids) !!!! I have known him since Primary 1. I just said to PI, "Thank you for your excellent work and paid him his dues."

    I will not publish the report on FB if wife settles amicably and not continue to tell her siblings I have lost my mind (koo koo old man). I also do not want to hurt lover's wife and children whom I know. Lover had extra-marital affairs before which his wife knew and they are not in good terms now ... with this issue exposed I think it will be very painful for her (I don't want to be the cause of this exposure). As I think deep on this issue .... it will end badly and I just let them (wife & lover) deal with the emotional trauma caused.

    I did confide with my best friend (her lover) some months back. I told him "I think my wife is having an affair in the office." Then, I was surprised his face turned pale and he slowly told me "No la. She is a loving wife and maybe her corporate duties took some of her time la." Then, I was thinking "Good fella. Really thinking not to strain our wife/hubby relationship."

    Hmmmm .... I really really cannot comprehend why a best friend would do such a thing to me? I am also certain he had told my wife all my secrets (which he and me only knew) .... no wonder wife looked at me with disgust when I woke up from coma.

    Should I let my children (aged 28 yrs & 30 yrs) see the report when I divorce with wife?

    Now, planning my move after CNY.
    miloice likes this.
  45. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    It is what it is.... no need to hide. However, the report with all the details, probably not good to show to them. As slutty as she could be, leave her some dignity with her children. No point to cause a bigger gap between mother and children. They can judge for themselves as they are adults and marrying themselves.
  46. Rester

    Rester New Member

    Sorry to hear about this. Was just reading on your other thread.

    Agree with miloice. Need not provide the report to your kids unless they request for it. Pretty sure they will ask what happen and should they refuse to accept the truth and insist on seeing the report than release it.

    Kinda sad to hear whom the other party is.
    newproject likes this.
  47. Adrian7878

    Adrian7878 Member

    Will be showing children and her family members the report as she kept telling them "Ungrateful koo-koo man accusing me of affair after I took care of him for 2 years !"
    miloice and newproject like this.
  48. brokenbride

    brokenbride New Member


    First of all...I am sad that such a tragic thing happened to you a fellow traveler...I cannot help but emphasize with you on what you had to go through....especially when your best friend and children involved.

    Even though you have made your decision..I am posting some general thoughts due to my limited time....which may be helpful to fellow forummers who may be facing the same predicament as you...

    1) What to do next?
    Do you love her? Are you seeking for justice for her infidelity or hoping for her to return to the marriage?
    If you love her....and want her to return to the marriage...your desire for justice will have to wait. This will determine the next outcome you will do.

    If you don't love her...her infidelity is definitely an opportunity for you to leave her within 6 months. You have to file this within 6 months of your discovery with detailed evidence of her infidelity. Your divorce lawyers would be more than happy to assist you on this.

    2) If you still love her...
    Notice that I asked how you feel instead of how she feel towards you? Coz unfortunately, at this stage...she is already thick into her fantasy land. In her perfect world constructed with her affair partner...she would have falsely assumed that your children will approve of what she did and that her affair partner will leave his family for her.

    However the hard truth is that when shit hits the fan...her fantasy lover will most likely leave her...waking up from this make believe world which two of them constructed..Judging from what you mention...I am very inclined to believe that her lover will leave her...and then she would realise that all these are just artificial world which could never withstand the test of reality.

    Nevertheless, her next step will depend on what type of affair is she carrying out? A class 2 affair (which your wife thought that she is genuinely in love) or class 3 affair (sexual addiction) or something more?

    If she falls under a class 2, you have to find ways to separate her from her lover to wean her from the "addiction". However, unfortunately this might take months before she realize the mess she has gotten herself in...

    However, if she is certain that she had no love for you...her affairs are just an excuse for her to leave this marriage

    3) what have you contributed to the state of this marriage you are in right now?
    The way to get your wife to talk is not to accuse of her affair why she did it etc. This will make her defensive and refuse to talk and you will be pushing her deeper into the arms of the lover....

    If you examined what you could have done or what is missing from the marriage...talked to her from that Pov...there a much higher possibility that you can open up an open communication channel between both of you that she might be willing to sit down and tell you what has been missing from the marriage all along.

    Of course, all these reasons are not excuses for her to commit the ultimate most selfish act! Rather, this is a strategy for her to TALK. coz only by TALKING and COMMUNICATION that your marriage stand a chance to survive. Believe it or not...karma will make her pay what she has reaped...but now the most ultimate goal is to make her talk. This will allow you have a chance to work towards saving the marriage.

    4) What about the children?
    Believe it or not....children...regardless of how grown up or educated they are .....will be affected by what has happened. In fact, from today onwards...whatever both of you did will be forever ingrained in their mind; they will emulate whatever choices which you two have made in their future marriage....after witnessing the hostility which both of you exhibited...or even blaming both one of you for the shit mess that both of you have created. Even if she is the one in wrong, they would have hoped that both of you try to make things up before choosing the path of separation and ultimately divorce. Studies have shown that unless violence is involved, no children would ever wish for their parents to be divorced. If you two have tried to work things out they would respect the choices which both of you have made. However all these have to be done without the 3rd party involved.

    5) Educate yourself!
    Choosing a quick divorce right after D-day and not arming yourself with sufficient knowledge is the worst strategy to handle a marriage under siege. Take time to read up; get advice from marriage experts. Sadly in our culture today, because of our own fears ....our society has this belief that staying within a marriage when the partner has strayed is the new shame. This is because the reason why they condemn such acts and urged the betrayed partner to leave immediately upon discovery is to give an overt signal to their own partners that they will never accept this kind of behavior. They have hoped that this would make them immune to being betrayed too! They might even berate you for attempting to repair the marriage. However, they would exhibit this kind of behavior because of their self serving beliefs. Also, asking Divorce lawyers for assistance so early in the discovery is also very inadvisable; they would cloud your judgement because most of them would want to make $ from your messy divorce.

    Hence, seeking advice in forums can become a double edged sword....which is why educating yourself with affair recovery books etc should be your first priority. If you have read up books and done your own research, you would have found out that people who divorced are much worse off; yes, you and your wife would be much worse off; in terms of financially, psychologically, relationships with families and children and so on. Whatever pain which you have experienced will transmit and infect your future relationship. Which why it is the most beneficial for you to think carefully before doing anything, for the sake of yourself and your children!

    Lastly, I hope my small piece of advice would have helped somehow. Good luck!
  49. Adrian7878

    Adrian7878 Member

    Hi all,

    Thanks for all advice. Final updates.....

    1. Have shown children PI report, they discussed among themselves (2 of them) and asked me to separate from their mom. They suspected mom was having fun out there but not bedding someone.

    2. I cannot stay with a woman who will bed someone 3 nights/week and stay in my matrimonial bed. Thank God, a few close friends who I confided in are opening their home to host me ... while I regain my strength and mobility.

    3. I have financial capability to live on my own.

  50. H3LLO_S|uT

    H3LLO_S|uT New Member

    From your posts and your demeanour you seem like a reasonable, patient person who does not wish to jump into conclusions.

    I admire your magnanimity in wanting to preserve whatever that's left of her dignity and reputation with her family and your children, after what she has done to you

    However, truth has to be told that your wife just like Cath_rina however, is a slutty, no good, filthy, lying, gold-digging whore that needs to be dumped asap.

    It's easy to stay with someone in times of good. Her love for you however, would be truly tested in times of bad.

    I'm surprised you did not see this side of her while the two of u were dating.

    Once u fall sick she starts going clubbing till the wee hours of the morning and doesnt keep you updated on what she does?
    Msging someone else and brushing you off with the reply "my private matter?"
    Not to mention the cardinal crime of cheating on you

    Ask yourself if she's able to accept the same if the situation was reversed. If she cannot then she obviously is in no right to demand the same from you.

    You need to put your foot down, dispense with big-heartedness and establish certain ground rules so that she knows who the man of the family is

    Give your energy to your time and your friends and family. She is obviously not worth it.

    Oh and please get that 600k back in full.

    Since she did not contribute squat to that account, giving her a dollar even is a reflection of your generosity; Taking everything back in full however is is an entitlement of yours.

    It's going to be difficult but you need to dispense with your generosity and eliminate this poisonous woman, who probably shares the same characteristics with cath_rina, from your life completely.

    All the best to you and God bless.

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