Views on affair with a common friend

R

Roxie88

Member
I am married for almost 9 years with 2 beautiful children.. Throughout our marriage, my husband is a decent family man who seldom mix around with woman.. He dont drink, don't smoke and belongs to those category where woman will not want to hit on.

However, he recently admitted to an affair with our common friend who is a seasoned third party! We often went out as a group for food, chill out sessions and even went on numerous overseas trips . This woman was even the godma of my girl at her request!

I was devastated after knowing if the affair.. That woman not only offer her emotional comfort, her cash and even her body! She shamelessly brought my husband to hotels, 'scolding' him for not knowing all hotels offer hourly rate but never publish it! What crap!

They did it on our Bed when I was overseas too! Though a short 3 weeks before I confronted him and he admitted, the affair went very far.. He even told me initially that he loves her.. Not just pity all background.. This woman was born illegitimate and had attempted to break a few families before ..

What should I do? Hubby wants to come back to me, but she is threatening suicide.. He told me he don't love her anymore but thinks it's not right to be too harsh on that woman as she is in depression and sucidal..

Help! Should I trust my hubby?
 


I am sorry to hear this.

Are u sure u can trust him again?
If he love u in the first place he wouldnt do this to hurt u.. :(
 
Thanks for your reply.. I'm really lost.. Don't know what to do now.. He wants a reconciliation.. That woman really attempt suicide but he didn't waver.. But he did say as a human being, he will not push her too harshly.. And he will still reply her if she will to text him.. Just simple reply.. Couldn't understand his actions.. He kept saying it's over between them but his actions are weird. I was hoping he will make effort to win me back to trust him again...instead of flaring up when I try to ask if the woman is still contacting him. BTW, they met up twice, once cos the woman in hospital and the other when he claimed he want to get his things back from her. Both times he didn't initiate telling me he met her.. Why? How can I trust with such things happening! Guys, do u all pretend nothing happened and just want to stop mentioning the third party after an affair?
 
I made a big fuss about it and he just told me it's over between them. He won't love her anymore and he wants to move on with me and the kids. Wanted so much go believe, but his actions didn't match his words
 
Mayb u both want to go for marriage counselling to see if can work things out..?
Agree. Maybe u should highlight to him if he really wan to work things out, he should totally CUT TIES!...
Also u have to ask yourself, Can you forgive and FORGET his actions?
 
Anyone have any recommendations for marriage counseling.. It's really difficult to approach the topic.. When he is in avoidance mode.. Every time I mention that woman, ask if she still contact him or why he is acting as if nothing changed between us.. What happened to those cracks that he mentioned was in our rs? Any affair survivals can share some tips pls? Am really miserable.. Thanks in advance
 
Roxie88 said:
Anyone have any recommendations for marriage counseling.. It's really difficult to approach the topic.. When he is in avoidance mode.. Every time I mention that woman, ask if she still contact him or why he is acting as if nothing changed between us.. What happened to those cracks that he mentioned was in our rs? Any affair survivals can share some tips pls? Am really miserable.. Thanks in advance
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Time to search for counsellors. Even if you are attending alone. Important question to ask is if you can ever forgive and forget this incident. If not there won't be happiness. He has to cut off ties with that woman, like it or not. Otherwise there won't be trust. If not willing to spend, go for the family service centres nearby. There are many. No guarantee that you will get good advice from counsellors but at least try.
 
Thanks for your advice.. I can't get any suitable slots from cc.. Think have to try private family centres..

Will try to work on this marriage.. These days seems to be better.. He apologise again after seeing me in tears when I recall things that happened between him and that woman.. Remembered how he kept going out to text that woman when he was with me waiting in AnE when I had, dengue.. He lied that he wanted to eat dinner but went out secretly with her instead.. When it was confirmed I had to be admitted, he brought that woman back to our house! Heartbreaking.. Really a lousy feeling... Guess it really takes time..
 
I have personally went through something similar just recently. I can almost imagine your heartbreak and the feeling of loss. In my case, it was a case of where a co-worker with my husband who plotted for 6 years to break our family up. She herself was a mistress to her father's uncle on the grounds that her family needed to bring dough on the table because of her father's failed business ventures. Father himself was aware but chose to close two eyes due to $$ she brought to the table. Then, when she got to know my husband, she decided that she wanted to be with him, and even attempted to get a common friend to break us up. She even roped in her parents in her grand plan. The long and short of it, is that she did almost succeed, until my husband suddenly woke up one day and realize it was just a ploy she hatched. The road to recovery is not easy. I've tried marriage counseling, didnt work. I read up many books as reference and ideas to engage. Net of it, patience is key and there is no timeline to this. Trust takes time to rebuild. The best way forward is don't keep nagging. Men hates women who keep reminding them of their failures because of their ego. Build your network of friends whom you can confide to. Remember and ask yourself why you are still hanging around for this marriage and distract yourself with other things in life. Marriage is only one aspect of one's life, it's not everything and it should not define you as a person. Hope this helps.
 
Phoenix80 said:
I have personally went through something similar just recently. I can almost imagine your heartbreak and the feeling of loss. In my case, it was a case of where a co-worker with my husband who plotted for 6 years to break our family up. She herself was a mistress to her father's uncle on the grounds that her family needed to bring dough on the table because of her father's failed business ventures. Father himself was aware but chose to close two eyes due to $$ she brought to the table. Then, when she got to know my husband, she decided that she wanted to be with him, and even attempted to get a common friend to break us up. She even roped in her parents in her grand plan. The long and short of it, is that she did almost succeed, until my husband suddenly woke up one day and realize it was just a ploy she hatched. The road to recovery is not easy. I've tried marriage counseling, didnt work. I read up many books as reference and ideas to engage. Net of it, patience is key and there is no timeline to this. Trust takes time to rebuild. The best way forward is don't keep nagging. Men hates women who keep reminding them of their failures because of their ego. Build your network of friends whom you can confide to. Remember and ask yourself why you are still hanging around for this marriage and distract yourself with other things in life. Marriage is only one aspect of one's life, it's not everything and it should not define you as a person. Hope this helps.
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Thanks a lot for sharing your personal encounter an for your wise words.. Indeed, marriage is only one aspect of ones life.. There are so many things we woman can do on top of revolving around a man and kids. In retrospection, I used to be an independent person; survived alone studying in Singapore since primary school and then work while my family stay in Malaysia. I had survived days of tears and isolation where I have no one around.. Yet, Years of dependence on a man and putting all I had in building a family had taken a toll on me.. When a woman put all her energy and mind in her husband and kids for years, having to face the betrayal of an affair is cruel.. But nothing is fair in this world.. Really thankful to have an outlet here in the forum.. Thankful to all who offer a listening here and share your point of view..
 
Thanks a lot for sharing your personal encounter an for your wise words.. Indeed, marriage is only one aspect of ones life.. There are so many things we woman can do on top of revolving around a man and kids. In retrospection, I used to be an independent person; survived alone studying in Singapore since primary school and then work while my family stay in Malaysia. I had survived days of tears and isolation where I have no one around.. Yet, Years of dependence on a man and putting all I had in building a family had taken a toll on me.. When a woman put all her energy and mind in her husband and kids for years, having to face the betrayal of an affair is cruel.. But nothing is fair in this world.. Really thankful to have an outlet here in the forum.. Thankful to all who offer a listening here and share your point of view..[/QUOTE]
 
Roxie88 said:
Thanks a lot for sharing your personal encounter an for your wise words.. Indeed, marriage is only one aspect of ones life.. There are so many things we woman can do on top of revolving around a man and kids. In retrospection, I used to be an independent person; survived alone studying in Singapore since primary school and then work while my family stay in Malaysia. I had survived days of tears and isolation where I have no one around.. Yet, Years of dependence on a man and putting all I had in building a family had taken a toll on me.. When a woman put all her energy and mind in her husband and kids for years, having to face the betrayal of an affair is cruel.. But nothing is fair in this world.. Really thankful to have an outlet here in the forum.. Thankful to all who offer a listening here and share your point of view..
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Read your story and feel sorry for you. My husband betray me with prostitutes. But he is an addict and is currently doing what he can to stop the addction. We are rebuilding our marriage. It is very hard for me to trust again so i really google a lot to search for real indications that a cheater is really repentent. You can google too. From my memory, i think the signs include 1) saying sorry or apologise willingly which shows that he recognise it is his fault and not yours 2) cut off all contacts with other woman which shows determination that he is really stopping. Like you, i have kids so its not easy to break the family if the man did want to salvage it. If your husband has already cut off all contacts and can explain all his whereabouts to you, then maybe theres hope. Not sure about your case, but i m more protective of myself so my hubby is not supposed to stop me from asking questions about the affairs, but sometimes he flares up if i repeats the same thing too many times or i mob too much, preventing us from moving on. I suggest you to google and read up, it really helps me to understand more of what a cheater is thinking and also the actions that i should be taking and recognise whether there is a possibility of rebuilding our marriage by seeing whether he possess the signs of wanting to stop the cheating.
 
Thanks for the advice. Yup, I have been googling and reading the stories of others.Hoping to find some reassurance in the signs he showed. Surprisingly, things seems quite normal between us now but I'm just not sure. A part of me wanted very much not to be so emotional about this.. I will still think of the bitch everyday, harping on the betrayal and pain. While he seems to have totally forgotten about her most days; though at times, I will feel his sudden remembrance of her ESP when he heard some songs on radio while driving to work. Made me mad at that juncture but then again, he didn't say anything and I chose to just ignore it. His 'alone' time that he needs to handle those emotions I guess. Hopefully, bitch is just reduced to such a state.. A sudden memory.

I'm sorry about what is happening to you. Sometimes, I don't understand: confused about why man are as such. Yes, we understand sexual needs are important in a marriage, to keep the love and relationship going. But, to hurt your wife, risking all to just have sex with other women, is that worth it? I felt sad. We had a healthy sexual life, or so I think.. Though not 'wild' , as he described that woman.. But now, I know I loose out at those sexual skills; or rather as a wife, I don't just aim all out to please him all the time.. and to give it all without wanting the same.. While Xiao3 and prostitues have all to gain to please without asking for anything in return.. Sexually I mean.. But is pleasures and the excitation of someone new, someone skillful, worth it all? Even at the expense of family and kids? My husband said he loves the kids, he loves me, then why still do it at that moment? And to do it with a skillful home wrecker despite all warning signs. I wonder what he was thinking then. Is it really the charm of sex by those 'skilled ' woman that cause man to fall to temptations?
 
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Roxie88 said:
Thanks for the advice. Yup, I have been googling and reading the stories of others.Hoping to find some reassurance in the signs he showed. Surprisingly, things seems quite normal between us now but I'm just not sure. A part of me wanted very much not to be so emotional about this.. I will still think of the bitch everyday, harping on the betrayal and pain. While he seems to have totally forgotten about her most days; though at times, I will feel his sudden remembrance of her ESP when he heard some songs on radio while driving to work. Made me mad at that juncture but then again, he didn't say anything and I chose to just ignore it. His 'alone' time that he needs to handle those emotions I guess. Hopefully, bitch is just reduced to such a state.. A sudden memory.

I'm sorry about what is happening to you. Sometimes, I don't understand: confused about why man are as such. Yes, we understand sexual needs are important in a marriage, to keep the love and relationship going. But, to hurt your wife, risking all to just have sex with other women, is that worth it? I felt sad. We had a healthy sexual life, or so I think.. Though not 'wild' , as he described that woman.. But now, I know I loose out at those sexual skills; or rather as a wife, I don't just aim all out to please him all the time.. and to give it all without wanting the same.. While Xiao3 and prostitues have all to gain to please without asking for anything in return.. Sexually I mean.. But is pleasures and the excitation of someone new, someone skillful, worth it all? Even at the expense of family and kids? My husband said he loves the kids, he loves me, then why still do it at that moment? And to do it with a skillful home wrecker despite all warning signs. I wonder what he was thinking then. Is it really the charm of sex by those 'skilled ' woman that cause man to fall to temptations?
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There are just some men who may love their family and start off being decent but weak willed and perhaps also less mature. Despite knowing it hurts their family and its morally wrong, they stoop to enjoy the thrill of having someone new giving them attention and forbidden sex, they always bluff themselves that its a secret and no one knows, so they allow themselves to fault. My case my sex life is considered not normal bah. As much as i can remember, i lose interest in sex quite sometime ago even before marriage and we really seldom have intimacy, at the very start of our marriage, he ever complained before. After kids, even less intimacy and i wasnt very interesting or put in much effort even if we have intimacy. My hubby is the type who always give in to me and doesnt like me to b unhappy, with kids, he understand i m tired so he acted gentleman all along and kept his fantasies from me. But also paired with his pornography addiction, mundane life, work stress, he started to separate sex and love and start to go out to have fun. My hubby case i dont think he fell in love with anyone, more like having fun so i dont think he remembers the women fondly. He did say that if he ever got reminded of what he did, its more like a disgust and terrible feeling rather than good memory. I hope this is true though. By the way, did your hubby really cut all ties from that woman?
 
Carousell said:
There are just some men who may love their family and start off being decent but weak willed and perhaps also less mature. Despite knowing it hurts their family and its morally wrong, they stoop to enjoy the thrill of having someone new giving them attention and forbidden sex, they always bluff themselves that its a secret and no one knows, so they allow themselves to fault. My case my sex life is considered not normal bah. As much as i can remember, i lose interest in sex quite sometime ago even before marriage and we really seldom have intimacy, at the very start of our marriage, he ever complained before. After kids, even less intimacy and i wasnt very interesting or put in much effort even if we have intimacy. My hubby is the type who always give in to me and doesnt like me to b unhappy, with kids, he understand i m tired so he acted gentleman all along and kept his fantasies from me. But also paired with his pornography addiction, mundane life, work stress, he started to separate sex and love and start to go out to have fun. My hubby case i dont think he fell in love with anyone, more like having fun so i dont think he remembers the women fondly. He did say that if he ever got reminded of what he did, its more like a disgust and terrible feeling rather than good memory. I hope this is true though. By the way, did your hubby really cut all ties from that woman?
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Hi carousell,
Seems that your husband is truly wanting to change. I understand most man watch porn and mastubate, but to go to prostitutes and admit being addicted.. Is his willpower strong? I don't know, but I feel if it's an addiction, he might need more than just his will power and love for his family to kick off the habit. I'm not sure if professional help or counseling help in your case. It's not easy for your husband to come clean with you but it will be another step forward if he is willing to open up to profession help in dealing with his addicton.. Just my thoughts.. Hope you don't mind.

As for my case, it seems like my husband really cut off all ties.. At least no more secretive messaging or long periods in the washrooms when I'm around. But then, who knows? Sadly, i don't trust him like before after his affair. Couldnt really comprehen how he can do it with our common friend and fell into the trap despite me warning him of that woman! Do you know how ridiculous his affair was? 3 weeks, at least 3 hotel sex, numerous quick fixes in his car and everyday meet breakfasts, some lunches and he even went shopping with that woman to buy stuff for me! When I ask how that woman is ok with such things, he said she only want to spend time with the man she loves, or so called.. even if she will be scolded by the whole world, she dont care. What????!!!! Such tricks to hook man? I don't believe there are woman who are unhappy with sharing a man and happy with being an occasional fling. I'm sure she wanted him fully in due time. Hai... Many times, I regretted not confronting her earlier!When i sense something admiss, I should have reacted. Instead of thinking of what cheap friendship and relying on my husband's own willpower. I should have confronted and cut her off our lives the first time I found out about their secret meeting. Come on, he started off just pitying her ok? Her mother died and she is left all alone.. She had a few failed relationships and some with married man! Knowing such, we still let her join in our outings and frankly, i have never thought my husband will like such woman ! Warbed mindset, ithinkinghinking, numerous plastic surgeries and yet, this woman attract guys to her! Even seemingly decent family man. why? Anyway, I m still bitter about this and have to help myself forget. Forgive and forget..this is so difficult. I still need a lot of help I guess.
 
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Hi Roxie88,
Base on what you described about your husband, I can sense that he is a good man who has made a stupid mistake.

Eevryone one has a devil in his/her heart, your husband did not manage to fight the evil. Attraction from another woman made him lost.

He might have found something from that woman that he couldnt find in you.. it could be the sexual pleasure like you said, it could also be the "understanding"/listening/caring skill.. i'm not sure, but he knows best.

Affairs usually ended up sex in bed, hence it's common and convenient to conclude that men are there for sex only (which is true for prostitute cases), but there might be something else.

It's good that your husband is willing to come back to you.. at least that shows he's someone with sense of reponsibility. But more importantly, do you still live him and want to hive him a 2nd chance? And if the answer is yes, let time heals the wound, and at the same time work on the missing part in your relationship.
(Do it slowly on the "sexual skill" if you think this is one of the reasons... overdoing it may scare him off).
 
clem said:
Hi Roxie88,
Base on what you described about your husband, I can sense that he is a good man who has made a stupid mistake.

Eevryone one has a devil in his/her heart, your husband did not manage to fight the evil. Attraction from another woman made him lost.

He might have found something from that woman that he couldnt find in you.. it could be the sexual pleasure like you said, it could also be the "understanding"/listening/caring skill.. i'm not sure, but he knows best.

Affairs usually ended up sex in bed, hence it's common and convenient to conclude that men are there for sex only (which is true for prostitute cases), but there might be something else.

It's good that your husband is willing to come back to you.. at least that shows he's someone with sense of reponsibility. But more importantly, do you still live him and want to hive him a 2nd chance? And if the answer is yes, let time heals the wound, and at the same time work on the missing part in your relationship.
(Do it slowly on the "sexual skill" if you think this is one of the reasons... overdoing it may scare him off).
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Hi Clem,
Thanks for your analysis.. Yup, he is generally a good husband; help with kids and housework and truely cares for me. I really do not know what is lacking in our relationship.. Immediately after the discovery of the affair, he told me he felt a void in his heart and he and that woman is like 2 people with empty hearts comforting each other! Seriously, when I heard that from him, I wanted to divorce, my heart turns cold! How can he tell me he loves another woman in such a short time bcos he felt q void with me? Where is the void? What void? I tried to ask him now that we are both calm and he had made this decision to choose me.. I tried to ask what is lacking? He couldn't answer me. So, does that mean he was just using the void thing to justify his affair then? He said then that woman makes him feel like there's another person who understand him like I do.. Makes him feel wanted.. Hai.. I don't know, maybe you are right.. For affair it's more tangled than sex, with prostitutes..

What should I do now? It really feels normal most of the time. How can I just stop myself from harping on it and just move on.. Time heals but the process is so difficult.. If I ultimately still divorce him after he turn back.. Will it be stupid? I should stay for the kids.. Really do not want them to suffer and bear the social stigma since young..
 
Roxie88 said:
Hi carousell,
Seems that your husband is truly wanting to change. I understand most man watch porn and mastubate, but to go to prostitutes and admit being addicted.. Is his willpower strong? I don't know, but I feel if it's an addiction, he might need more than just his will power and love for his family to kick off the habit. I'm not sure if professional help or counseling help in your case. It's not easy for your husband to come clean with you but it will be another step forward if he is willing to open up to profession help in dealing with his addicton.. Just my thoughts.. Hope you don't mind.

As for my case, it seems like my husband really cut off all ties.. At least no more secretive messaging or long periods in the washrooms when I'm around. But then, who knows? Sadly, i don't trust him like before after his affair. Couldnt really comprehen how he can do it with our common friend and fell into the trap despite me warning him of that woman! Do you know how ridiculous his affair was? 3 weeks, at least 3 hotel sex, numerous quick fixes in his car and everyday meet breakfasts, some lunches and he even went shopping with that woman to buy stuff for me! When I ask how that woman is ok with such things, he said she only want to spend time with the man she loves, or so called.. even if she will be scolded by the whole world, she dont care. What????!!!! Such tricks to hook man? I don't believe there are woman who are unhappy with sharing a man and happy with being an occasional fling. I'm sure she wanted him fully in due time. Hai... Many times, I regretted not confronting her earlier!When i sense something admiss, I should have reacted. Instead of thinking of what cheap friendship and relying on my husband's own willpower. I should have confronted and cut her off our lives the first time I found out about their secret meeting. Come on, he started off just pitying her ok? Her mother died and she is left all alone.. She had a few failed relationships and some with married man! Knowing such, we still let her join in our outings and frankly, i have never thought my husband will like such woman ! Warbed mindset, ithinkinghinking, numerous plastic surgeries and yet, this woman attract guys to her! Even seemingly decent family man. why? Anyway, I m still bitter about this and have to help myself forget. Forgive and forget..this is so difficult. I still need a lot of help I guess.
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Hello yes i understand what you mean. Most people would advise professional help for addiction. I dont know how serious is his addiction, but he acted out in 2013 when he was at phuket, started w massage which he felt very guilty and stayed clean for 6 mths before he went for his second massage in dec 2013 and in 2014, he went more frequently but less than once a month. It became worse in apr 2015 when he bought his iPhone and i was preggy with my second child. Thats when he started with prostitutes. One thing to note is, i dont think we have intimacy much except when we were trying for our second child. So in his mind, he take it that i m not attracted to him and since i wanted to have only two children, he also take it that we are not going to have intimacy unless one day i inititate myself (anyway i dont think i initiate sex much, not even half year once i think). Actually my six sense and instinct did send some signal to me but like you, i have so much faith and trust in my hubby that i just put off the possibility that he cheated on me. Until feb 2016 is when i found out when i happened to see a flirty message between him and one of the prostitutes.

He was very much influenced by the sharing at sammyboy forum and pornography. So these two has got to stop which i think he did. He didnt want to attend therapy as most of them use therapy similar for alcohol addicts, which involves knowing people suffering same problem and practice abstinence from alcohol. But we dont practice abstinence from sex to stop sex addiction because sex is a need and something normal between husband and wife. I did google and found one of the therapist who used to be a sex addict for many years and he is helping people with same prob but he didnt agree with the twelve step program himself. He relyed on himself and was sober for nine years now. My hubby did promise me that if he is having urge and cant stop himself, he will first and foremost inform me first and go seek professional help.

As for now, to assure me that he is not acting out, he has been doing these

1) credit all his pay to my acct
2) atm and credit cards all kept by me so he cant draw money on his own
3) passport kept with me
4) no more OT
5) no more going out on his own during weekend
6) missed call using office phone when he reach offive and before he leave, i can also demand for a photo or make a call to his office desk anytime
7) video cam installed in our car so i can request to view video of car whereabouts anytime i like
8) no more passcodes to his phone and laptop, i can see anytime i like
9) he doesnt sleep later timing than me now and doesnt use laptop at home anymore. Also no more bringing phone to the toilet.
10) his annual and childcare leave all reported to me (he used to take leave to get his service wout me knowing)

As for us, i told myself i should not reject my hubby for intimacy in future so sex is regular now. He likes holiday overseas but i wasnt keen for past few years so he did not get to travel much, thats why he has so many leaves left to use for visiting prostitutes. So i promise him we will go holiday for him to destress from work. Previously he has quite a number of oversea worktrip which i didnt want to accompany him cos i want to be w my child in singapore and it made him felt lonely and unimportant in my life. Now no more work trips overseas wout me tagging along.

Actually i think my hubby is a immature, weak willed, low self esteem person who needs his wife to need him and give him assurance esp when he is facing stress at work. He put up a force strong front character in front of me but he was actually v insecure and he felt like a failure as compared to his peers. I think this is also one of the reasons he just decide to not think about his problem and go enjoy himself. I can only say, some men just dont grow up. Actually i think maybe your hubby also a little immature and take the everyday stable life for granted so smtg diff came along and he just lean towards that woman. I m glad he cut off ties now, but i hope u have some form of assurance from him, like how i m getting from my hubby. I m still having repercussions from his betrayal so these assurance help me stay sane.
 
Roxie88 said:
Thanks for your reply.. I'm really lost.. Don't know what to do now.. He wants a reconciliation.. That woman really attempt suicide but he didn't waver.. But he did say as a human being, he will not push her too harshly.. And he will still reply her if she will to text him.. Just simple reply.. Couldn't understand his actions.. He kept saying it's over between them but his actions are weird. I was hoping he will make effort to win me back to trust him again...instead of flaring up when I try to ask if the woman is still contacting him. BTW, they met up twice, once cos the woman in hospital and the other when he claimed he want to get his things back from her. Both times he didn't initiate telling me he met her.. Why? How can I trust with such things happening! Guys, do u all pretend nothing happened and just want to stop mentioning the third party after an affair?
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I just read this past post from you and i want to reply. I remembered i read something about what a betrayal 'is thinking' after disclosure. Its possible they dont want to talk about it because it is generates negative feelings, they know they did smtg wrong, talking about what they did wrong of course is not a pleasant thing to do. Sometimes they are also ashamed to talk about their failure to their wives because all men hope to gain respect from their wife but now they did someting that lose respect from their wife. However, if they realy care about our feelings and wanted to help us heal, they should undrstand that we need to know at least the general impt questions like when it started, duration of the affair and what has he done to make sure he ends it. Details about what they do can be omitted (not advisable to probe because the details does haunt us).

Maybe you can google on" how to help a partner heal from infidelity" something along that topic and see if he is willing to read up to understand what you go through. Maybe after some reflection he is able to empathise with you more and learn to cut contacts. That is the only way you can end a affair, remaining friends or contact once in a while will never enc a affair. But he will also suffer some post trama himself as a betrayal so you can read up and understand his position too.
 
Roxie88 said:
Thanks for your advice.. I can't get any suitable slots from cc.. Think have to try private family centres..

Will try to work on this marriage.. These days seems to be better.. He apologise again after seeing me in tears when I recall things that happened between him and that woman.. Remembered how he kept going out to text that woman when he was with me waiting in AnE when I had, dengue.. He lied that he wanted to eat dinner but went out secretly with her instead.. When it was confirmed I had to be admitted, he brought that woman back to our house! Heartbreaking.. Really a lousy feeling... Guess it really takes time..
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I seriously can empthaise with you, what he did with her is really too much, really very cruel to his own wife whom he should be protecting instead of hurting. It hurts really badly i can understand. I dont know how is his approach of. Apologising to you but since his betrayal is with one woman where feelings are involved, i dont think he can just choose to love and now not love so easily. He needs time to get over the affair also but needing time doesnt mean stay in contact. Btw, have you thought abt the possibility of divorce and spoke to him about it? You know there are men who 'wake up' and think seriously when they got the divorce ultimatum. They can sometimes take us for granted so much so that they assume we are always there for them thats why they cheat.
 
Phoenix80 said:
I have personally went through something similar just recently. I can almost imagine your heartbreak and the feeling of loss. In my case, it was a case of where a co-worker with my husband who plotted for 6 years to break our family up. She herself was a mistress to her father's uncle on the grounds that her family needed to bring dough on the table because of her father's failed business ventures. Father himself was aware but chose to close two eyes due to $$ she brought to the table. Then, when she got to know my husband, she decided that she wanted to be with him, and even attempted to get a common friend to break us up. She even roped in her parents in her grand plan. The long and short of it, is that she did almost succeed, until my husband suddenly woke up one day and realize it was just a ploy she hatched. The road to recovery is not easy. I've tried marriage counseling, didnt work. I read up many books as reference and ideas to engage. Net of it, patience is key and there is no timeline to this. Trust takes time to rebuild. The best way forward is don't keep nagging. Men hates women who keep reminding them of their failures because of their ego. Build your network of friends whom you can confide to. Remember and ask yourself why you are still hanging around for this marriage and distract yourself with other things in life. Marriage is only one aspect of one's life, it's not everything and it should not define you as a person. Hope this helps.
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Hi phoenix80, so have you successfully rebuilt your marriage? Would like to hear from someone who managed to stay in the narriage and is doing well to encourage myself. When i look around, mostly end up in divorce, either trust system is broken so badly cant revive or either because the betrayal cheats again, so disheartening.
 
Roxie88 said:
Hi carousell,
Seems that your husband is truly wanting to change. I understand most man watch porn and mastubate, but to go to prostitutes and admit being addicted.. Is his willpower strong? I don't know, but I feel if it's an addiction, he might need more than just his will power and love for his family to kick off the habit. I'm not sure if professional help or counseling help in your case. It's not easy for your husband to come clean with you but it will be another step forward if he is willing to open up to profession help in dealing with his addicton.. Just my thoughts.. Hope you don't mind.

As for my case, it seems like my husband really cut off all ties.. At least no more secretive messaging or long periods in the washrooms when I'm around. But then, who knows? Sadly, i don't trust him like before after his affair. Couldnt really comprehen how he can do it with our common friend and fell into the trap despite me warning him of that woman! Do you know how ridiculous his affair was? 3 weeks, at least 3 hotel sex, numerous quick fixes in his car and everyday meet breakfasts, some lunches and he even went shopping with that woman to buy stuff for me! When I ask how that woman is ok with such things, he said she only want to spend time with the man she loves, or so called.. even if she will be scolded by the whole world, she dont care. What????!!!! Such tricks to hook man? I don't believe there are woman who are unhappy with sharing a man and happy with being an occasional fling. I'm sure she wanted him fully in due time. Hai... Many times, I regretted not confronting her earlier!When i sense something admiss, I should have reacted. Instead of thinking of what cheap friendship and relying on my husband's own willpower. I should have confronted and cut her off our lives the first time I found out about their secret meeting. Come on, he started off just pitying her ok? Her mother died and she is left all alone.. She had a few failed relationships and some with married man! Knowing such, we still let her join in our outings and frankly, i have never thought my husband will like such woman ! Warbed mindset, ithinkinghinking, numerous plastic surgeries and yet, this woman attract guys to her! Even seemingly decent family man. why? Anyway, I m still bitter about this and have to help myself forget. Forgive and forget..this is so difficult. I still need a lot of help I guess.
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Anyway you can forgive but there is no such thing as forget. No one forgets betrayal, once you know means you know unless got dementia. More like fogive and accept and let time slowly minimise the pain. There is something i read before that envourages me: remember that time always works to minimise pain and when the day you heal, is the day when you can think of the betrayal wout feeling pain because you know it is over. It is the past and not the now nor the future, provided that you are either in the situation whereby you leave the man and he could no longer hurt you or you choose to stay but he is really not repeating betrayal. For both of us, healing will take super long because both of us are staying. I know i can heal pretty well if i were to leave my hubby but with kids, i have to stay and healing for me will take super long i guess
 
Roxie88 said:
Hi Clem,
Thanks for your analysis.. Yup, he is generally a good husband; help with kids and housework and truely cares for me. I really do not know what is lacking in our relationship.. Immediately after the discovery of the affair, he told me he felt a void in his heart and he and that woman is like 2 people with empty hearts comforting each other! Seriously, when I heard that from him, I wanted to divorce, my heart turns cold! How can he tell me he loves another woman in such a short time bcos he felt q void with me? Where is the void? What void? I tried to ask him now that we are both calm and he had made this decision to choose me.. I tried to ask what is lacking? He couldn't answer me. So, does that mean he was just using the void thing to justify his affair then? He said then that woman makes him feel like there's another person who understand him like I do.. Makes him feel wanted.. Hai.. I don't know, maybe you are right.. For affair it's more tangled than sex, with prostitutes..

What should I do now? It really feels normal most of the time. How can I just stop myself from harping on it and just move on.. Time heals but the process is so difficult.. If I ultimately still divorce him after he turn back.. Will it be stupid? I should stay for the kids.. Really do not want them to suffer and bear the social stigma since young..
Click to expand...
Divorce cannot be a decision made in a short time, needs lotsa preparation. No it is not stupid to divorce later on even if you accept him back now. For some people, after some time taken to sort out their thoughts, they just cannot trust anymore and they dont like to live in a insecure environment and so they still choose to leave. I must admit that it is largely because of my kids and me being financially unstable that made me hard to leave. Plus he shows signs of remorse and he is doing things to make me feel safe. But there is a part of me that wants to end the relationship because i yearn to start afresh with someone who fits the character i am attracted to, someone upright, mature and commits seriously to their partner.
 
Roxie88 said:
Hi Clem,
Thanks for your analysis.. Yup, he is generally a good husband; help with kids and housework and truely cares for me. I really do not know what is lacking in our relationship.. Immediately after the discovery of the affair, he told me he felt a void in his heart and he and that woman is like 2 people with empty hearts comforting each other! Seriously, when I heard that from him, I wanted to divorce, my heart turns cold! How can he tell me he loves another woman in such a short time bcos he felt q void with me? Where is the void? What void? I tried to ask him now that we are both calm and he had made this decision to choose me.. I tried to ask what is lacking? He couldn't answer me. So, does that mean he was just using the void thing to justify his affair then? He said then that woman makes him feel like there's another person who understand him like I do.. Makes him feel wanted.. Hai.. I don't know, maybe you are right.. For affair it's more tangled than sex, with prostitutes..

What should I do now? It really feels normal most of the time. How can I just stop myself from harping on it and just move on.. Time heals but the process is so difficult.. If I ultimately still divorce him after he turn back.. Will it be stupid? I should stay for the kids.. Really do not want them to suffer and bear the social stigma since young..
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Hi Roxie88,
Why a good husband can fall in love with another woman? "Spark" might be the word.

You are married 9 years, your daily lifestyle become routine... handling chore, taking care of kids, work stress,... there's no more spark between you and husband.
Then suddenly, there's this woman come tell him, "I understand you", "Are you ok?", "Do you need me around?"... Men will melt.

This is the reality in a marriage. We face temptation everyday, the key is whether we are able to resist it. "We" here i refer to both husband and wife. In your case, your hubby failed to resist it.

What is lacking? Your husband know. But trust me, he may not tell you the 100% truth even at this juncture. Because the truth always hurt and he's not sure if you can take it. This is not lie, but this is what men chose so as not to hurt the wife unnecessarily.
You don't think truth hurts? What if he say "I need your care but you are not there, you only care about chore/kids/unimportant stuff"... "you are like dead fish in bed."... "I need some quiet moment but you keep nagging"... "I need a listening ear and supporting wife, but you always throw me wet blanket"... "I want to try this sex position but you say I'm pervert"..."I want sex but you always say no mood or rush me off."
... and things go both ways.

The process of healing for sure will be painful, because the trust is no more there. That's why some people can't afford to complete the process and choose to let go and start afresh.
To go through the process or not - it's like gamble, no sure win, either side can also make you lose more.. but you can put bet on the side that has slightly winning chance.

You are a strong girl. Continue to be so.
 
clem said:
Hi Roxie88,
Why a good husband can fall in love with another woman? "Spark" might be the word.

You are married 9 years, your daily lifestyle become routine... handling chore, taking care of kids, work stress,... there's no more spark between you and husband.
Then suddenly, there's this woman come tell him, "I understand you", "Are you ok?", "Do you need me around?"... Men will melt.

This is the reality in a marriage. We face temptation everyday, the key is whether we are able to resist it. "We" here i refer to both husband and wife. In your case, your hubby failed to resist it.

What is lacking? Your husband know. But trust me, he may not tell you the 100% truth even at this juncture. Because the truth always hurt and he's not sure if you can take it. This is not lie, but this is what men chose so as not to hurt the wife unnecessarily.
You don't think truth hurts? What if he say "I need your care but you are not there, you only care about chore/kids/unimportant stuff"... "you are like dead fish in bed."... "I need some quiet moment but you keep nagging"... "I need a listening ear and supporting wife, but you always throw me wet blanket"... "I want to try this sex position but you say I'm pervert"..."I want sex but you always say no mood or rush me off."
... and things go both ways.

The process of healing for sure will be painful, because the trust is no more there. That's why some people can't afford to complete the process and choose to let go and start afresh.
To go through the process or not - it's like gamble, no sure win, either side can also make you lose more.. but you can put bet on the side that has slightly winning chance.

You are a strong girl. Continue to be so.
Click to expand...
Clem, you are very right. Everything in a marriage like hsework, kids, job, mundane life seeing the same person works to kill the sparks, only when two person are committed in the relationship and remind themselves not to forgo the love due to temptations or makes effort to keep the love burning then the marriage can go a long way. Unfortunately my case my hubby is very into sexual stuffs right from the start, unless he is very strong to see how harmful the things he is surfing, it will forever end up with him betraying me. Paired with my carelessness assuming he is a very loyal person with integrity and i can always show him more apreciation later on, which i didnt. I continue to put off sex and intimacy. By the time i realised and feel more sexually attracted to him, it was too late, he is not interested anymore becos he has experienced outside fun thrill. Now i dont know how isit possible that my hubby already went out, can still come back to me now. He says that he is still attracted to me but my mind keep thinking that i confirm lose out to prostitutes and i myself finds it tough to truly love him. I question myself whether i can still love him, i struggle with the issue of kids growing in broken fam and financially we confirm become poorer with divorce. Can a marriage really evolve greater or closer after recover from infidelity? This is what i read online how some people become more committed after the incident and it brought them closer. But i wonder if it only applies to ang mo.
 
Carousell said:
Clem, you are very right. Everything in a marriage like hsework, kids, job, mundane life seeing the same person works to kill the sparks, only when two person are committed in the relationship and remind themselves not to forgo the love due to temptations or makes effort to keep the love burning then the marriage can go a long way. Unfortunately my case my hubby is very into sexual stuffs right from the start, unless he is very strong to see how harmful the things he is surfing, it will forever end up with him betraying me. Paired with my carelessness assuming he is a very loyal person with integrity and i can always show him more apreciation later on, which i didnt. I continue to put off sex and intimacy. By the time i realised and feel more sexually attracted to him, it was too late, he is not interested anymore becos he has experienced outside fun thrill. Now i dont know how isit possible that my hubby already went out, can still come back to me now. He says that he is still attracted to me but my mind keep thinking that i confirm lose out to prostitutes and i myself finds it tough to truly love him. I question myself whether i can still love him, i struggle with the issue of kids growing in broken fam and financially we confirm become poorer with divorce. Can a marriage really evolve greater or closer after recover from infidelity? This is what i read online how some people become more committed after the incident and it brought them closer. But i wonder if it only applies to ang mo.
Click to expand...

Actually, all normal guys are into sexual stuff since their early stages :)... there are many masturbation and porn viewing going on behind the scene, just that you may not know how often... ;) then later stages with gf/wife - if satisfied then good; else for those who are more extreme, they may explore more... that's when the ONS, FB, prostitues etc come into the picture.

Your husband has strong desire, while it can be a "gift" to some wives, it can also be a disaster to others... your case seems to be the latter one unfortunately, since you didn't enjoy it as much as he does, and I'm sure you had shown it to him... guys hate that as you already known by now.

Good news is that, you said you started to feel more sexually attracted to him, and you also agree that he has been a good husband/father too. His body betrayed you, but his heart did not (I hope...). Since you are also willing to give him a chance, why not just take the opportunity to improve the relationship? Love doesn't apply to ang mo only, it's international. In fact, being asian, we tend to keep things to ourselves, thinking that it is a shame to say certain things out. But since you are already at this stage, what is there thing that you can't talk about?

Do not worry too much about those sexual skill that you husband experienced outside... Yes those skill are wonderful and amazing...guys for sure enjoy it very much. However guys (not all of them though) know it well that it is wrong. If they know it's wrong, why still do? Excitement.

Can guys get the similar excitement at home, from wife who is a mother of 2, who always nag and complains? Yes, because at home it is safe and without worries - guys can't get these from prostitutes. Furthermore, when in bed, if you can put his pleasure as higher priority than yours, and if he also do the same to you, then I believe both of you will enjoy together. If there is certain thing that you can't do or don't like to do, let him know gentlely, don't kick him out of bed.

Let him slowly find the gems in you... at the same time, you find his too. It takes time, but things will get better. Don't give up easily.
 
Carousell said:
Divorce cannot be a decision made in a short time, needs lotsa preparation. No it is not stupid to divorce later on even if you accept him back now. For some people, after some time taken to sort out their thoughts, they just cannot trust anymore and they dont like to live in a insecure environment and so they still choose to leave. I must admit that it is largely because of my kids and me being financially unstable that made me hard to leave. Plus he shows signs of remorse and he is doing things to make me feel safe. But there is a part of me that wants to end the relationship because i yearn to start afresh with someone who fits the character i am attracted to, someone upright, mature and commits seriously to their partner.
Click to expand...

Hi Carousell,
Yes! Like you, i have thought of a "new" me where i can find the courage to leave him and take care of the kids on my own from now on. I'm very tempted to just give up despite all the positive signs he showed and the supposedly happy family i still have. I don't know why, but this part of me is getting stronger these days. Some people may think its pride or wilfulness, but we are the new generation ladies, we don't have to resign to fate and "close one eye" on infidelity right? My mother kept asking me to let it go and appreciate that he is still here. For the sake of the children, she would usually say.. Come on! He betrayed me with a so called "friend". Why am i suppose to accept and close both eyes? Just to share, i was very close to divorce. 3 days after the discovery of his affair, he told me he have sorted out his thoughts and he knows those feelings for that woman is not just pity, he thought he loved her. I was game then and just said to divorce and i will move the kids back to my mum's place the next day. Guess what? At that time, i got numerous advices to retract my decision from friends and family members who mostly ask me to think of my kids and to give him a chance. Yes! eventually i did stop myself from reacting impulsively and told him i want to give us another chance to think through. I had this idea then that i should not let that woman "win" so easily! Who is she to break people's family and get the man so easily!! I want her to suffer more. Revenge mindset then i think.

Fast forward, in the end, he made that decision to come back to us. He admitted to his mistake and apologises. He said he can only do his best but he is very sure that i am who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Many people see that as good signs and i should just go back to him and close this chapter. I thought i can do it too. But, the feeling of betrayal is coming back to haunt me ; he still thinks that woman is good and innocent and she is in no wrong. He doesn't hate her but instead felt sad that he can no longer help her get out of her depression. In fact, i believe he will still text or meet up with her in the near future. How can i accept such possibility? Is my husband too kind? Why still pity and feel sorry for a loose woman like that. Why agree with her immoral mindset? That woman sent my husband an article that states "sometimes you must give up your roommate for a real soulmate"! I was mad after seeing that link in his handphone. Come on, which woman research on the word "soulmate", paints herself to be one and then encourages that man to leave his wife because the wife is just a partner, like a room mate? and i sometimes wonder how much of that he believes.
 
clem said:
Hi Roxie88,
Why a good husband can fall in love with another woman? "Spark" might be the word.

You are married 9 years, your daily lifestyle become routine... handling chore, taking care of kids, work stress,... there's no more spark between you and husband.
Then suddenly, there's this woman come tell him, "I understand you", "Are you ok?", "Do you need me around?"... Men will melt.

This is the reality in a marriage. We face temptation everyday, the key is whether we are able to resist it. "We" here i refer to both husband and wife. In your case, your hubby failed to resist it.

What is lacking? Your husband know. But trust me, he may not tell you the 100% truth even at this juncture. Because the truth always hurt and he's not sure if you can take it. This is not lie, but this is what men chose so as not to hurt the wife unnecessarily.
You don't think truth hurts? What if he say "I need your care but you are not there, you only care about chore/kids/unimportant stuff"... "you are like dead fish in bed."... "I need some quiet moment but you keep nagging"... "I need a listening ear and supporting wife, but you always throw me wet blanket"... "I want to try this sex position but you say I'm pervert"..."I want sex but you always say no mood or rush me off."
... and things go both ways.

The process of healing for sure will be painful, because the trust is no more there. That's why some people can't afford to complete the process and choose to let go and start afresh.
To go through the process or not - it's like gamble, no sure win, either side can also make you lose more.. but you can put bet on the side that has slightly winning chance.

You are a strong girl. Continue to be so.
Click to expand...

Hi Clem,
Thank you very much. I needed to hear that. Indeed, the process of healing is painful and sometimes i feel its really easier to give up. I also agree with you that sometimes, the missing "spark" is what that is lacking in marriages. Very often, the stress of everyday life and routines kill off feelings of romance and create feelings of "emptiness" or void. After reading your post, i was reminded of my husband telling me he felt i was too strong and doesn't need him and that's why he was attracted to the feelings of being needed by another woman. Really a timely reminder to all wives reading the forum. Man are indeed vulnerable and perhaps "words of affirmation" are still their main love language other than "physical touch" of course.

Like what Caurosell mentioned, really hope to hear some success stories of couples who overcame the infidelity and came out stronger! needed some encouragement and positivity badly! Maybe i can set up another thread for this? Hopefully, we can encourage one another and push through those hurdles to find out happiness again.
 
Roxie88 said:
Hi Clem,
Thank you very much. I needed to hear that. Indeed, the process of healing is painful and sometimes i feel its really easier to give up. I also agree with you that sometimes, the missing "spark" is what that is lacking in marriages. Very often, the stress of everyday life and routines kill off feelings of romance and create feelings of "emptiness" or void. After reading your post, i was reminded of my husband telling me he felt i was too strong and doesn't need him and that's why he was attracted to the feelings of being needed by another woman. Really a timely reminder to all wives reading the forum. Man are indeed vulnerable and perhaps "words of affirmation" are still their main love language other than "physical touch" of course.

Like what Caurosell mentioned, really hope to hear some success stories of couples who overcame the infidelity and came out stronger! needed some encouragement and positivity badly! Maybe i can set up another thread for this? Hopefully, we can encourage one another and push through those hurdles to find out happiness again.
Click to expand...
Please do, i m still hanging on here and want ti continue to hear people telling me their progress and i will share mine too, please stay in contact with me, i hope we both can tell each other in a few years down the road that we finally feel that our marriage is back on track and nv been better
 
Roxie88 said:
Hi Carousell,
Yes! Like you, i have thought of a "new" me where i can find the courage to leave him and take care of the kids on my own from now on. I'm very tempted to just give up despite all the positive signs he showed and the supposedly happy family i still have. I don't know why, but this part of me is getting stronger these days. Some people may think its pride or wilfulness, but we are the new generation ladies, we don't have to resign to fate and "close one eye" on infidelity right? My mother kept asking me to let it go and appreciate that he is still here. For the sake of the children, she would usually say.. Come on! He betrayed me with a so called "friend". Why am i suppose to accept and close both eyes? Just to share, i was very close to divorce. 3 days after the discovery of his affair, he told me he have sorted out his thoughts and he knows those feelings for that woman is not just pity, he thought he loved her. I was game then and just said to divorce and i will move the kids back to my mum's place the next day. Guess what? At that time, i got numerous advices to retract my decision from friends and family members who mostly ask me to think of my kids and to give him a chance. Yes! eventually i did stop myself from reacting impulsively and told him i want to give us another chance to think through. I had this idea then that i should not let that woman "win" so easily! Who is she to break people's family and get the man so easily!! I want her to suffer more. Revenge mindset then i think.

Fast forward, in the end, he made that decision to come back to us. He admitted to his mistake and apologises. He said he can only do his best but he is very sure that i am who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Many people see that as good signs and i should just go back to him and close this chapter. I thought i can do it too. But, the feeling of betrayal is coming back to haunt me ; he still thinks that woman is good and innocent and she is in no wrong. He doesn't hate her but instead felt sad that he can no longer help her get out of her depression. In fact, i believe he will still text or meet up with her in the near future. How can i accept such possibility? Is my husband too kind? Why still pity and feel sorry for a loose woman like that. Why agree with her immoral mindset? That woman sent my husband an article that states "sometimes you must give up your roommate for a real soulmate"! I was mad after seeing that link in his handphone. Come on, which woman research on the word "soulmate", paints herself to be one and then encourages that man to leave his wife because the wife is just a partner, like a room mate? and i sometimes wonder how much of that he believes.
Click to expand...
From that woman point of view, i think she is envious of other people having afamily and a good husband so she come in to create some havoc and prove her charm. In a way, i just think shes affected by her childhood and life which makes her become a home wrecker, hope she sort her mind out someday. From your hubby point of view, he gets positive treatment from the other woman, he cannot feel how you feel and see the woman like how you see. I highly likely think he chose to spend the rest of his life with you because he knows you have better morales and only you can take care of his children and provide him w a family. People are selfish, they dont like to b betrayed you see. If he leaves you to go to her, he is losing his children, reputation, a wife who doesnt cheat anf make him feel safe whereas with that woman, knowing her character, he might get ditched some day, of course he will choose you. But people are selfish, he chose you yet he also miss all the positive experience w that woman. Of course if he can enjoy the best of both worlds is the best for him lah. But he know he cant. I m not going to let my hubby think i will always be by his side, i let him know, i can leave also. Cant expect me to waste my time if he is not worth it. I m not financially secure now yet so also no courage to leave yet. My mum will b tramatised also, shes a negative person so i wont leave yet, i will see how he perform. But you might want to consider post nuptial agreement, i m going to get one in the future and my hubby is willing to cooperate.
 
Carousell said:
Hello yes i understand what you mean. Most people would advise professional help for addiction. I dont know how serious is his addiction, but he acted out in 2013 when he was at phuket, started w massage which he felt very guilty and stayed clean for 6 mths before he went for his second massage in dec 2013 and in 2014, he went more frequently but less than once a month. It became worse in apr 2015 when he bought his iPhone and i was preggy with my second child. Thats when he started with prostitutes. One thing to note is, i dont think we have intimacy much except when we were trying for our second child. So in his mind, he take it that i m not attracted to him and since i wanted to have only two children, he also take it that we are not going to have intimacy unless one day i inititate myself (anyway i dont think i initiate sex much, not even half year once i think). Actually my six sense and instinct did send some signal to me but like you, i have so much faith and trust in my hubby that i just put off the possibility that he cheated on me. Until feb 2016 is when i found out when i happened to see a flirty message between him and one of the prostitutes.

He was very much influenced by the sharing at sammyboy forum and pornography. So these two has got to stop which i think he did. He didnt want to attend therapy as most of them use therapy similar for alcohol addicts, which involves knowing people suffering same problem and practice abstinence from alcohol. But we dont practice abstinence from sex to stop sex addiction because sex is a need and something normal between husband and wife. I did google and found one of the therapist who used to be a sex addict for many years and he is helping people with same prob but he didnt agree with the twelve step program himself. He relyed on himself and was sober for nine years now. My hubby did promise me that if he is having urge and cant stop himself, he will first and foremost inform me first and go seek professional help.

As for now, to assure me that he is not acting out, he has been doing these

1) credit all his pay to my acct
2) atm and credit cards all kept by me so he cant draw money on his own
3) passport kept with me
4) no more OT
5) no more going out on his own during weekend
6) missed call using office phone when he reach offive and before he leave, i can also demand for a photo or make a call to his office desk anytime
7) video cam installed in our car so i can request to view video of car whereabouts anytime i like
8) no more passcodes to his phone and laptop, i can see anytime i like
9) he doesnt sleep later timing than me now and doesnt use laptop at home anymore. Also no more bringing phone to the toilet.
10) his annual and childcare leave all reported to me (he used to take leave to get his service wout me knowing)

As for us, i told myself i should not reject my hubby for intimacy in future so sex is regular now. He likes holiday overseas but i wasnt keen for past few years so he did not get to travel much, thats why he has so many leaves left to use for visiting prostitutes. So i promise him we will go holiday for him to destress from work. Previously he has quite a number of oversea worktrip which i didnt want to accompany him cos i want to be w my child in singapore and it made him felt lonely and unimportant in my life. Now no more work trips overseas wout me tagging along.

Actually i think my hubby is a immature, weak willed, low self esteem person who needs his wife to need him and give him assurance esp when he is facing stress at work. He put up a force strong front character in front of me but he was actually v insecure and he felt like a failure as compared to his peers. I think this is also one of the reasons he just decide to not think about his problem and go enjoy himself. I can only say, some men just dont grow up. Actually i think maybe your hubby also a little immature and take the everyday stable life for granted so smtg diff came along and he just lean towards that woman. I m glad he cut off ties now, but i hope u have some form of assurance from him, like how i m getting from my hubby. I m still having repercussions from his betrayal so these assurance help me stay sane.
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Wa Carousell, your hubby is willing to go to that extend? Of you calling him to and from work and keeping his cash and cards? This is really something not all guys can do. He is really sincere about wanting to change and to cut all easy ways to fall back to temptations. What about those prostitutes? Are they still calling or messaging him? Ya, I agree with you that sex is a natural urge and nature's way for couples to connect and bring their relationship up another level. Perhaps, you can start to see it as a way to connect with him? Or to explore each other's sexuality.. Try out new ways? You will never know, maybe you will grow to like it more and will work something out together.. I was devastated when my husband told me in his affair that the other woman is wild in bed and he never knew he needed that. I always thought I am ok with giving him his release...Though I feel he isn't that skillful with his own skills either.. I'm embasrassed to share, but in the aftermath of the discovery, I actually went to research on bjs and sex techniques.. I don't believe I can't do what that woman can. Haha.. Stupid idea I know, but our first few "makeup" sex were good.. Of course I didn't and will not just do that because I want to prove him wrong.. After a while, I realised it's not difficult to connect in that sense to him anymore.. Though I cried the first few times and it still hurts every time I rem him n that woman on our bed! So feel like throwing out the mattress.. Dumping everything that reminds me of that affair.. But that is 3 k plus and I don't have the money to buy another.. Sadly.. :( Hopefully, I can erase that woman 's scent from the bed one day.
 
Roxie88 said:
Wa Carousell, your hubby is willing to go to that extend? Of you calling him to and from work and keeping his cash and cards? This is really something not all guys can do. He is really sincere about wanting to change and to cut all easy ways to fall back to temptations. What about those prostitutes? Are they still calling or messaging him? Ya, I agree with you that sex is a natural urge and nature's way for couples to connect and bring their relationship up another level. Perhaps, you can start to see it as a way to connect with him? Or to explore each other's sexuality.. Try out new ways? You will never know, maybe you will grow to like it more and will work something out together.. I was devastated when my husband told me in his affair that the other woman is wild in bed and he never knew he needed that. I always thought I am ok with giving him his release...Though I feel he isn't that skillful with his own skills either.. I'm embasrassed to share, but in the aftermath of the discovery, I actually went to research on bjs and sex techniques.. I don't believe I can't do what that woman can. Haha.. Stupid idea I know, but our first few "makeup" sex were good.. Of course I didn't and will not just do that because I want to prove him wrong.. After a while, I realised it's not difficult to connect in that sense to him anymore.. Though I cried the first few times and it still hurts every time I rem him n that woman on our bed! So feel like throwing out the mattress.. Dumping everything that reminds me of that affair.. But that is 3 k plus and I don't have the money to buy another.. Sadly.. :( Hopefully, I can erase that woman 's scent from the bed one day.
Click to expand...
Hi yah of course no more contacts from prostitutes, he was using line app or wechat or watsapp to make appointments for sex. The line app and wechat was deleted, only left w watsapp consist of friends and family. Actually when i got too worked up and we sort of was in anger, we threw each others phone on the floor. He threw mine because i was constantly surfing sammyboy and got really worked up when i saw those beautiful females photos, so he got enraged and threw it on the floor because he felt that i was immersed in those craps too deeply and he doesnt want me to see those stuffs. I threw his phone on the floor because i was frustrated that i couldnt retrieve much info from his phone as he deleted most stuffs, i m the type who wants to know everything and details type. So end of the day, ph spoiled and both of us change Phones. And he suggested to change his ph number to indicate that he want to cut off craps from his life and start afresh. So i think non of the pros has his contacts. Even previously i dont think they have his numbers, they use apps which doesnt show ph numbers. Only the bosses holding the prostitutes have his old number in their records.

I really peifu you, i think you are a gem that your husband should cherish. I think i will not be able to take it if my hubby bring woman back to my house and on our bed, i will confirm throw the bed away and constantly feel like moving hse. Even now i avoid places that i know hes been to cos i cannot take it.
 
Roxie88 said:
Wa Carousell, your hubby is willing to go to that extend? Of you calling him to and from work and keeping his cash and cards? This is really something not all guys can do. He is really sincere about wanting to change and to cut all easy ways to fall back to temptations. What about those prostitutes? Are they still calling or messaging him? Ya, I agree with you that sex is a natural urge and nature's way for couples to connect and bring their relationship up another level. Perhaps, you can start to see it as a way to connect with him? Or to explore each other's sexuality.. Try out new ways? You will never know, maybe you will grow to like it more and will work something out together.. I was devastated when my husband told me in his affair that the other woman is wild in bed and he never knew he needed that. I always thought I am ok with giving him his release...Though I feel he isn't that skillful with his own skills either.. I'm embasrassed to share, but in the aftermath of the discovery, I actually went to research on bjs and sex techniques.. I don't believe I can't do what that woman can. Haha.. Stupid idea I know, but our first few "makeup" sex were good.. Of course I didn't and will not just do that because I want to prove him wrong.. After a while, I realised it's not difficult to connect in that sense to him anymore.. Though I cried the first few times and it still hurts every time I rem him n that woman on our bed! So feel like throwing out the mattress.. Dumping everything that reminds me of that affair.. But that is 3 k plus and I don't have the money to buy another.. Sadly.. :( Hopefully, I can erase that woman 's scent from the bed one day.
Click to expand...

Hi Roxie88,
You are amazing... for being able to have "makeup sex" so soon (err actually I'm not sure how soon:) ).

To guys, the moment you make love with him, he will take it that you already forgiven him.
I think you should continue to let him know how you feel, regardless you have forgiven him or not; your anger, sadness, feeling like throwing up... you have to let him know that he is responsible for how you feel, and he better make up for it.
Having this said, I'm not suggesting you to be a troublemaker just to make him regret.. but I'm asking you to be yourself and show your trueself to him... request him to do the same to you too. This not just applies to emotion, but also to your activities in bed.

The 3k mattress indeed a heartpain to dump... but if it reminds you the affair, it reminds him the exciting moments with that woman too... well, why not you try to ask him to get a new one? He pay, of course.
 
Hi Carousell,
I peifu Roxie88 too, she actually move on to even learn the new skills...if i'm her hubby I will swear to love her only the rest of my life.

In contrast, sorry to be blunt, your hubby may do everything you request now, but I doubt how long it will last... in fact I think no man can tahan that for long time.

He's willing to do all these because he knows he had done the wrong things (which is good), and hence willing to do anything to exchange for your forgiveness. If you agree to these conditions, it means to him you are willing to forgive him.

If i were you, I would not "agree" for him to do such things...It is ok for him to volunteer anything, but everything he is doing now will not change what happened and cannot be exchanged for your forgiveness. He can do all these things so that he will feel better (he needs it in case he's truly regretful), but to forgive or not, it's your right.

So, should you forgive him? I suggest you give yourself some time if you can't decide now. But don't push him and yourself too hard.
 
Carousell said:
Hi yah of course no more contacts from prostitutes, he was using line app or wechat or watsapp to make appointments for sex. The line app and wechat was deleted, only left w watsapp consist of friends and family. Actually when i got too worked up and we sort of was in anger, we threw each others phone on the floor. He threw mine because i was constantly surfing sammyboy and got really worked up when i saw those beautiful females photos, so he got enraged and threw it on the floor because he felt that i was immersed in those craps too deeply and he doesnt want me to see those stuffs. I threw his phone on the floor because i was frustrated that i couldnt retrieve much info from his phone as he deleted most stuffs, i m the type who wants to know everything and details type. So end of the day, ph spoiled and both of us change Phones. And he suggested to change his ph number to indicate that he want to cut off craps from his life and start afresh. So i think non of the pros has his contacts. Even previously i dont think they have his numbers, they use apps which doesnt show ph numbers. Only the bosses holding the prostitutes have his old number in their records.

I really peifu you, i think you are a gem that your husband should cherish. I think i will not be able to take it if my hubby bring woman back to my house and on our bed, i will confirm throw the bed away and constantly feel like moving hse. Even now i avoid places that i know hes been to cos i cannot take it.
Click to expand...

No Carousell,

I'm no gem non that big hearted. I wanted very much to just dump that mattress! But then again, even if i do that, i will still remember that she was here in this room! What do you do when you feel/ just know that your husband is still thinking of all those things he said he wants to forgo? These days, i had episodes of sudden mood swings or unhappiness when i sense him remembering her. He did not say or do anything, its just the sudden zoning out.. maybe I'm too sensitive, but couldn't control myself for feeling like this. Though of course, i did not say anything or question him. Brought my kids to stay at my mother's place the last few days and though we texts each other everyday, i still feel he is not like before. Not sure where he went these nights that i wasn't home. Am i wrong in leaving him alone at home and bringing the kids away? It is the norm that i will occasionally take leave to spend some time with my maternal family - didn't think much until my sister commented that i shouldn't leave him alone at home and give him the space to err again. What if he contact that woman again? What if he bring her home or go hotel with her since i was not around? when faced with such questions, i suddenly realised i'm really stupid, thought i always say i don't trust him that much anymore, why did i still go overnight stay at my mother's place? Am i being careless here? but then again, i can't be watching over him all the time right?
 
Roxie88 said:
No Carousell,

I'm no gem non that big hearted. I wanted very much to just dump that mattress! But then again, even if i do that, i will still remember that she was here in this room! What do you do when you feel/ just know that your husband is still thinking of all those things he said he wants to forgo? These days, i had episodes of sudden mood swings or unhappiness when i sense him remembering her. He did not say or do anything, its just the sudden zoning out.. maybe I'm too sensitive, but couldn't control myself for feeling like this. Though of course, i did not say anything or question him. Brought my kids to stay at my mother's place the last few days and though we texts each other everyday, i still feel he is not like before. Not sure where he went these nights that i wasn't home. Am i wrong in leaving him alone at home and bringing the kids away? It is the norm that i will occasionally take leave to spend some time with my maternal family - didn't think much until my sister commented that i shouldn't leave him alone at home and give him the space to err again. What if he contact that woman again? What if he bring her home or go hotel with her since i was not around? when faced with such questions, i suddenly realised i'm really stupid, thought i always say i don't trust him that much anymore, why did i still go overnight stay at my mother's place? Am i being careless here? but then again, i can't be watching over him all the time right?
Click to expand...
Wah you are indeed v strong leh. I will get panicky when i didnt see him. Even at work i dont see him i still sometimes need miss call or ask him send a photo over, to let me rest assured he is not outside. But phone wise i cant supervised when he is at work. You really is v brave to leave him alone so soon after the affair. I will be having images of my huby with women if i dont see him and if i know he is not working. It still haunts me now.

I know we cant watch them 24 hrs but for now i need to have some signs that i m safe. Even the signs are around i can still get attack at times. If i were to leave him alone, it is more like i want him to know that i m preparing to leave him for good, that alone time is to let him feel how its like to live wout me and children for the rest of his life, a bit like revenge, to tell him to not do things behind my back anymore, just b free to do whatever he wants because he is not my hubby anymore. I dont have such a big heart
 
Carousell said:
Wah you are indeed v strong leh. I will get panicky when i didnt see him. Even at work i dont see him i still sometimes need miss call or ask him send a photo over, to let me rest assured he is not outside. But phone wise i cant supervised when he is at work. You really is v brave to leave him alone so soon after the affair. I will be having images of my huby with women if i dont see him and if i know he is not working. It still haunts me now.

I know we cant watch them 24 hrs but for now i need to have some signs that i m safe. Even the signs are around i can still get attack at times. If i were to leave him alone, it is more like i want him to know that i m preparing to leave him for good, that alone time is to let him feel how its like to live wout me and children for the rest of his life, a bit like revenge, to tell him to not do things behind my back anymore, just b free to do whatever he wants because he is not my hubby anymore. I dont have such a big heart
Click to expand...
How can u forgive? Such man only makes our love looks cheap and they will continue to hurt us. So difficult to find faithful guys these days. Especially when sex and prositutes seem so easy to get. Someone told me yesterday that other than foreign woman who came to spore for you-know-what, we have to now fight with our own to maintain the integrity of marriages. I know my case is pathetic. My hubby says he thinks that woman understands him, they work in same industry.. She Pampers him, call him bb.. Flirt with him and makes him feel unwanted. He sided with her even on her decision to abort her baby in previous relationships with married man! What kind of morals is that? And in their3 months affair, he still continue to go out with me with her in the group. They even went meals and gaming sessions, ktv with our common friends, using them as a bait to meet up legitimately.. Then sex in hotels where the girl pay for the room! As a woman, this is the ultimate.. I cannot accept this. He is now thinking and ask me for time to sort out his thoughts.. He said even if he decide to come back, he cannot dump that woman just like that. He claimed she has depression and she cannot live without him. What?? Just get out then! Why stay? Really heartbroken.
 
Ting2.1 said:
How can u forgive? Such man only makes our love looks cheap and they will continue to hurt us. So difficult to find faithful guys these days. Especially when sex and prositutes seem so easy to get. Someone told me yesterday that other than foreign woman who came to spore for you-know-what, we have to now fight with our own to maintain the integrity of marriages. I know my case is pathetic. My hubby says he thinks that woman understands him, they work in same industry.. She Pampers him, call him bb.. Flirt with him and makes him feel unwanted. He sided with her even on her decision to abort her baby in previous relationships with married man! What kind of morals is that? And in their3 months affair, he still continue to go out with me with her in the group. They even went meals and gaming sessions, ktv with our common friends, using them as a bait to meet up legitimately.. Then sex in hotels where the girl pay for the room! As a woman, this is the ultimate.. I cannot accept this. He is now thinking and ask me for time to sort out his thoughts.. He said even if he decide to come back, he cannot dump that woman just like that. He claimed she has depression and she cannot live without him. What?? Just get out then! Why stay? Really heartbroken.
Click to expand...
Are you planning to take him back? He is obviously selfish lah, he needs time to think because he needs to weigh the pros and cons, which woman benefits him the most becUse now exposed, of course he cant keep the best of both worlds. if not exposed, of vos he wants to keep both.

You see the reasons he give to you is not self reflective, its more like using excuses and blaming you for his choices. You shd dump him. I read before if a guy is truly repentent, he will admit its his fault, not you nor your relationship status to cause him to stray. This is a warning sign that his cheating will not stop. You dont have children yet so dump him, dont let him have the choice. He choose the actions, he face the consequence, dont let him choose you or the other woman!
 
Ting2.1 said:
My hubby says he thinks that woman understands him, they work in same industry.. She Pampers him, call him bb.. Flirt with him and makes him feel unwanted. He sided with her even on her decision to abort her baby in previous relationships with married man! What kind of morals is that? And in their3 months affair, he still continue to go out with me with her in the group. They even went meals and gaming sessions, ktv with our common friends, using them as a bait to meet up legitimately.. Then sex in hotels where the girl pay for the room! As a woman, this is the ultimate.. I cannot accept this. He is now thinking and ask me for time to sort out his thoughts.. He said even if he decide to come back, he cannot dump that woman just like that. He claimed she has depression and she cannot live without him. What?? Just get out then! Why stay? Really heartbroken.
Click to expand...

He actually said all these to you??? That's unforgiveable.

He shows no regret at all, and he doesn't seem to think that what he has done is wrong.

If that continues to be his attitude, even if eventually he chooses to come back to you, I believe same thing will happen again in future.

You don't need him. Take good care of yourself and be strong, you will have a long journey.
 
Yep ... Ting2.1 ... just be prepare for that rainy day ..safe guard yourself n your kids ...buy insurance n save $
 
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