Support group - Divorce

[prettycure]

Hi cheerio
Tat is correct. the other party dun have to turn up unless that person wanna attend or create problems.

 

[cheerio]

this thread is pretty quiet yah.. not like the single thread so happening...

 

[sgbabydoll]

Action_Scripter, I don't think you can just buy over your wife's share of the flat since you are way under 35. My friend who was a few months shy of 35 years old had some difficulties too but in the end approval was granted as he sought extra help. Maybe you can consider co-owning the flat with a family member instead?

Cheerio - Contested divorce hearing are heard on some days of the week while uncontested cases take place on the remaining days. Uncontested divorces which are very straightforward take only a couple of minutes from start to end.

Separation, adultery, incompatibility, unreasonable treatment, and whatnots might not be as colourful as they sound to laymen if both parties agree to divorce. The court is only interested in evidences and facts, so even if it is adultery or spouse battery, the session can be as plain as vanila if the judge is satisfied with the evidences and facts presented. I heard from my lawyer that the interesting cases usually involve tough fight over child custody and assets.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hi icicle, I don't think annulment is a complete erasure of a marriage, as if one has never been married in the law.

According to Loh Eben Ong & Partners' website (http://www.law.com.sg/family.htm), "a decree of nullity (annulment) shall operate to annul the marriage with respect to any time after the decree has been made absolute (i.e. final). Notwithstanding the decree, the marriage is treated as if it had existed up to that time".

Like Pussycats has said, it's best to be upfront with your fiance now than later. While your future in-laws need not know the details, I feel, it's important that you have the understanding of yuor fiance at least.

 

[cheerio]

I guess the earlier you come clean the better, so that you dont appear to be trying to cover any things. whatever it may be, that is the past. and if the guy dont understand that and still mind what is already in the past, then I feel that he is probably not worth your love. in fact, he probably dont love you that much.

 

[sgbabydoll]

I agree with cheerio that telling it early is better than late, and being late is better than never. On the other hand, I can also understand icicle's unsettling fear in breaking the news to her fiance now when the relationship is moving to the next phase of marriage. If I were to find out that my bf has been married before and yet has deliberately kept me in the dark for a long time, I wouldn't be happy about it. It's not so much of not being able to understand and accept his past but I would question his character and intention.

I have been upfront about my divorce right from the start. Family, relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbours and bf all know that I am divorced though most did not know the details at length. Divorce is a reality for me and I didn't see why I should hide it from anyone. In fact, to become more resolute in my decision and to move on as soon as possible, I chose disclosure.

 

[cheerio]

I will do the same, to make known my status but not the detail.. i think that is my past and since the future one is not involved in my past, he dont have to know, is that the right mentality? its a sad incident and i just want to move on with my life, so if the other party loves me, why should he force me to recall those things right? Is that yoru sentiment too, Doll?

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hi Cheerio, when I got to know my bf I had only left home for two weeks and in the thick of my divorce proceedings. I confided in him as a friend and he was there for me as a friend.

We became an official item two months later as my ex-husband signed his agreement on the divorce papers. Had this new relationship started now or later, I still wouldn't think twice about coming clean in the first place. But I will give a summary of the case instead of going at length with the details.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hi icicle and everyone, I apologise for giving a piece of wrong info on annulment of marriage. Upon further checking, I found that "an annulment upon being granted by the Court would essentially put you in the position you were before you were married, that is, it is as if you have never been married before" (http://www.lawhub.com.sg/articles/splitting-up-part-1-divorce-judicial-separation-and-nullity.html)

 

[cheerio]

I think you are pretty fortunate, Doll. To have met your bf under that circumstances, it helps to build a stronger bond between the two of you. and, you wont have to exactly 'explain' to him, since he was there for you during the difficult time.

 

[saya]

Are you gals interested to meet up? Since we started with a new life, I thought why not make new friends too

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hi Cheerio

It was nothing fairytale like in the way my bf and I met, and later got together. He wasn't the knight in shiny armour who came to my rescue. In fact, we had a tumultuous start in the initial 3-4 months as I was feeling so insecure about everything. We almost broke off for a few times after a major quarrel. Good thing was that he didn't feed me the insecurity by giving in to me. Or else, I would grow to become dependent on him instead of taking charge of my own happiness. But from him, I have learned alot about myself and what a stable love relationship should be.

 

[dead_heart]

Hi doll,

How long did your divorce takes? Is there any separation prior to the actual divorce? If yes, how long is it?

Actually I'm looking at divorce without separation, meaning hopefully the whole thing will be completed in less than one year. Is that possible?

Btw, I've a son which i will definitely fight for his custody and hopefully he will not fight on this or else i don't know wat to do.

Am very happy for you to find a new Love....

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hi deadheart, the first consultation with my lawyer took place end Nov 2006 and I got the interim divorce certificate mid Feb 2007. My case was straightforward as there was no matrimonial assets except the HDB flat, no children in the marriage and no alimony asked.

Have you been married for at least three years, gal?

 

[dead_heart]

i've been married for 6yrs..... haiz....
Think my divorce will have more things to settle.... the flat, son and etc....

May i ask your divorce is based on what grounds?

 

[sgbabydoll]

The only ground necessary to file for divorce is that the marriage has irretrievably broken down under any of the five situations:
- Infidelity;
- Desertion;
- Separation for three years;
- Separation for four years; or
- Unreasonable behaviour.

Most divorces, including mine, have cited unreasonable behaviour to prove that the marriage has irretrievably broken down.

For your case, I suspect there will be more than one court hearing necessary - one for the divorce, one for child custody and one for auxiliary matters.

If divorce is already on the cards, I urge you to quickly consult your lawyer and understand your rights, before broaching the subject to him. This is because he might be able to instill fear in you and crash your confidence if you do not have the info at your fingertips.

Sadly speaking, divorce can be a mental battle. Be strong, OK.

 

[dead_heart]

Does both parties have to agree on the same grounds? If either one party refuse, can the divorce still proceed?

Actually i could like to divorce based on Infidelity but I know that he will not admit to it for face issue. Hence the other option is Unreasonable behaviour as I cannot stand the thought of separation of 3-4yrs, wasting my time on him.

Many thanks for your advice.

As for lawyers, my friend has already introduced one to me but she suggested to settle most of the stuff (eg. custody of child, maintenance for child, visiting rights/schedule, sale of flat, etc) before approaching the lawyer so as to save time and also be able to answer most of questions raised by the lawyer.

 

[dead_heart]

hi doll,

he won't be able to instill fear in me and crash my confidence, i'm already past that stage of threatening by him.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hi deadheart, you can sue him for infidelity if you have solid evidence or if he admits it verbally. But know that the grounds for divorce will have little or no impact on child custody, alimony, and division on matrimonial assets. So, don't spend too much time cracking your brain on that.

For unreasonable behaviour, it can be really anything and pretty subjective too for different individuals, but believable incidents. For me, I only wanted to tell the truth considering that I would be saying my oath placing a hand on the bible.

Some examples that I had given were:
- He threatened suicide for a few times;
- He stayed out of home after a quarrel and remained uncontactable for up to five days each time;
- He ledged the door and blocked my access to our home twice.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hi again, not sure if you were referring to your friend or the lawyer who gave the advice, but she was definitely right. If you could settle most of the stuff between yourselves, it would save money and time, and a quick divorce is possible.

But even if you do not have all the answers, it doesn't hurt to start working on your divorce petition now. Nothing will happen if you do not start somewhere.

 

[no_guts]

Hi, new member reporting. I'll like to learn from your experiences now that I'm about to join the club. I want to go for annulment but I'm afraid my husband will refuse for the purpose of making things difficult for me.

 

[prettycure]

Hi sgbabydoll
Your divorce procedure was fast. mine took coming one year already and hvnt complete yet. Mine was also straight forward but i think was due to my ex delay in signing those papers.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hi Chicken Little, my lawyer went through the different possibilities with me of his co-operation and otherwise. So, I had a Plan A and Plan B. The former being tangling a carrot to get my ex into agreeing to quick divorce but I was also fully prepared for a long battle in case he couldn't swallow his pride and decided to fight back. That was Plan B.

Pussycats, how did your ex manage to delay in signing his papers? Has he already signed? Do you have a court hearing date?

Deadheart, trust me, if you are armed with the legal knowledge, he wouldn't be able to hold you at ransom. That was how I "won" the mind game with my ex. I always had an answer to his threats of non co-operation. I literally told him not to shit me.

 

[dottyback]

Sgbabydoll, looks like i've found some1 to giv me great advice..perhaps i can drop u an email soon

 

[sgbabydoll]

Sure, Serene, if I could help at all. But just let you know that there are no two similar divorces and the dynamics between different couples are different too. What worked for me might not work for others. As you go along you will find that no one is able to tell you how to get him to agree to divorce and agree to your terms as much as possible. You still need to devise your own plan and get him to "bite your bait".

Email me anytime

 

[dottyback]

of coz of coz..guess dats how ppl learn from each other..all diff experiences

thanx

 

[sgbabydoll]

You are most welcome, Serene

 

[prettycure]

Sgbabydoll

He was to return the signed documents back to my lawyer with the time frame but he alway wait till last min. I have just had my court hearing in the beginning of auguest. I have to wait for 3 mths later for the signing of the divorce paper.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Pussycats, I think your case has gone by the book as he wasn't quite co-operative? I was able to speed up on my case because I gave him a deadline to decide on the different matters. I told him if he didn't respond I would just fall on Plan B. I also keep a close watch over my lawyer's progress and it helps that she is very efficient.

 

[no_guts]

Sgbabydoll, so just what carrot did you give ur ex husband that he agreed to divorce without any contest and problems? Can share your Plan A and Plan B?

For my case, he kept insisting that I suggested divorce so I'm being unfair to him, cause him to lose face. We have not discussed the details but he has hinted that I should pay more than 50% of whatever losses. Which of course I won't agree cos the breakdown of the marriage is thru no fault of mine alone. Furthermore he kept insisting that I have a bf but i don't, like I mentioned in my other thread.

The fact is we can go for annulment. But I'm afraid he might choose to be nasty and choose to separate and drag a few years.

 

[sgbabydoll]

I told him that I had talked to my lawyer and knew my legal rights, then I gave him a choice:
- Quick divorce, no alimony (Plan A); or
- Separation-to-divorce, alimony (Plan B).

He was given one week to think through and tell me his answer. If I didn't hear from him by the deadline then I would proceed to Plan B which also meant I would make things difficult for him as I was the one with the money and time to engage a lawyer and attend court.

Worked on him.

 

[dottyback]

hmm...its a little diff for me..he wanted the split n even wanted me to agree backdating the date of separation n i refused plainly becoz i dun c the point of lying in court

tink abt it oso sian

 

[sgbabydoll]

Why not, Serene? Backdating the start of separation is an unspoken acceptable practice.

How is your case now?

 

[simpleman]

Yes, backdating is an unspoken practice but does not mean you have to do it. You should only do it if that is what you want.

 

[no_guts]

Thanks sgbabydoll

I think my situation (as in husband's financial position) is somewhat like yours. Do u mind to PM your lawyer's contact to me? I think I need to speak to one to consider my options if husband refuses to file for annulment and try make me bear most of the money we spent.

 

[dottyback]

sgbabydoll i didnt wanna agree coz i wasnt in the hurry to clear my status anyway, he was the 1, n till now i still feel the same

i dun c y i shld lie when he's the 1 who wanted it n let him off so easily..indeed i'm still a little vengeful but seriously too bad for him

we r not moving forward to the separation coz my flat is less than 5yrs..i believe he will act again once it hits next april when 5yrs is up

 

[dead_heart]

hi serene,

are you not moving forward becoz of the flat? if yes, actually can write to HDB to appeal the sale of the flat even though it is less than 5yrs. My galfriend wrote in to appeal citing divorce as the reason and got approval to sell b4 even though her flat is oni 4yrs old (becoz her ex-hubby refused to divorce due to the flat, hence she wrote in to appeal). Now, she is happily divorce and the flat is already sold with a profit.

Same as sgbabydoll, her divorce took less than 6mths to complete. The oni difference is she has a gal, which she gain custody. Her ex-hb is suppose to give mthly maintence for the child , but sad to say, he din give at all citing no money when they had oredi sold the flat (with profits). But my galfriend refuse to "chase" after the money as she din want anything to do with him. So now, my galfriend is paying everything for her gal.

 

[dottyback]

hi deadheart

i guess i've tolerated so long n what's a few more months to wait?

Ironically, both of us refuse to move out so we r still staying under 1 roof..guess i've reached the nirvana stage

 

[dead_heart]

hi serene,

Is there still any chance of being together? U seems reluctant for divorce.

As much as i'm in the divorce ground, i still hope that things will work out for others.

If there's any chance that you can reunited with ur HB (of course provided to resolve all outstanding issues and most impt both parties are willing to make the effort for the marriage to work), do give it a try.

 

[dottyback]

deadheart, u kidding me? i can't wait for it to b official just that both of us r too stubborn to wanna start talking dats y i'm predicting he will only make his move next april

 

[dead_heart]

oh, sorri for the misunderstanding.

if tats the case, why not get it over and done with? Isn't it a torture to have to be able to see him everything since staying under the same roof?

Like i mention b4, if its due to the flat, juz write to HDB and appeal.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hi Serene

In my case, a quick divorce was necessary as I started to develop great fear of him. All of a sudden, he became a stranger instead of someone whom I have known for 20 years (we knew each other when we were 15). I felt very unsafe in his presence. A few days before I moved out and made known my intention on divorce to ex, I started imagining he would come up and strangle me suddenly. I had a few nightmares of him after I moved out. Just a month ago I even screamed in my sleep having a nightmare of him hurting me, till my bf came and woke me up. For my own sanity I had to choose the shortest possible way out.

 

[dead_heart]

hi sgbabydoll,

in ur case, w/o any child, how come ur ex still need to pay alimony (i mean if he chose plan B)? I thought both still working, hence no need to give anything.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Deadheart, with me being gainfully employed and earning more than him, my chances of alimony was almost zero. But he wasn't aware of this, you see. It was part of the mind game I had to play to get what I wanted.

So even if I had to use Plan B, it wouldn't stop me from making a claim, right? I mean, if he wanted to play games I guess I had to go all the way with him.

 

[dead_heart]

hi sgbabydoll,

good for you, becoz of his ignorance, hence you are able to get divorce w/o any harrassment from him.

 

[dottyback]

deadheart i guess i'm oreadi ok wif the current situation n decided if he's not gonna do anythng abt it, then i wont too...honestly i'm not in the hurry but i tink he is

Sgbabydoll u muz hav been traumatised by ur ex..n i'm glad 4 u dat things turned out the way u wanted...guess 4 me..its the flat dat is dangling..n even tho he paid 4 almost everything..i will push 2 get a 50% outta it..i'm sure he wont agree so i'm expecting a tussle...

 

[sgbabydoll]

Deadheart, it's true that I didn't get much trouble from him on the divorce but he did make other things real difficult for me. For example, he refused to split the rental income with me citing that he was broke and all. His mobile service was under my name and I had been paying for it till last month. Then, although ordered by the court to pay me the petitioner $1.5K of the legal fees, he paid nothing. He also refused to settle the ownership of our two dogs after each of us took one back. Lastly, I don't think I can count on him to split the payment of the agent commission arising from the flat disposal. We are talking about $8K here.

Although I don't hate him, I am definitely sick and tired of him and his selfishness.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hi Serene, though unsolicited, my advice is to get the divorce over and done with ASAP if things cannot be on the mend at all, so that you can move on with your life. Look, time doesn't stop for anyone. You may think you're in no hurry and that your heart is dead now, but it may pain the people who love you to see you in this state? You know, one of the reasons I hurried through my divorce was because I didn't want my mom to keep worrying for me and she was losing sleep over this. She didn't want me to be taken advantage of by him anymore.

As for your flat, what is the split in terms of CPF/cash contributions?

 

[dottyback]

hi sgbabydoll i do understand ur view but i dun wanna b the one initiating this again coz i've been doing it for the longest time n since both of us refuse to talk..i'll juz hang in there

we used all our cpf when we got the flat..he threw in probably abt 70% n every mth he pays for the bank loans..in fact i do not contribute anything except for the 1st cpf payment..which is y i was thinking perhaps i wont b able to get anything out from him

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hi Serene, I don't quite get you...he services the housing loan using cash? What about the CPF money you two have in the ordinary account? I thought most people service their housing loan using CPF money and top up with cash if the monthly instalment exceeds that of your monthly CPF contribution to the ordinary account?