Need help with relationship issue

Q

qwertypie

New Member
Hello everyone....

Have been together with my boyfriend for 3 years. We are both in our mid twenties and he's schooling while I'm in the workforce. I feel that recently..... there is somewhat a breakdown in communication between us. First off... the communication between us get less and less. I understand it's because of his studies. He is busy studying and have less time for me. Be it meeting up or talking on the phone or texting. Sometimes I just randomly ring him up for a chat and he always sound uninterested to chat with me. I get pissed off at times because of this, and how he always choose not to meet me because he needs to study.

I know I may not be the most understanding gf.

But is it so difficult to spare a little time to talk to me or meet up with me? If I don't talk to him.... He won't really bother talking to me... If I don't mention meeting up.... He may not meet me either. Sometimes when I crack jokes, he will get irritated and angry with me (He don't used to react like that. But recently he will say things like 'Not everyone can take jokes') He no longer surprises me like he used to and I'm always the one doing it now.

Am I being demanding? I know that after a period of being together, we get so comfortable with each other and stop doing certain things. But I feel disappointed somewhat because of all these :(
 


As you said you are not the most understanding gf.

There might also be mismatch in expectations. Perhaps different love languages.

Personally I would wait until exams over and see if anything changes.

If it doesn't it's time to get concerned.

Anyway you are both very young, no need to be too anxious.
 
qwertypie said:
Hello everyone....

Have been together with my boyfriend for 3 years. We are both in our mid twenties and he's schooling while I'm in the workforce. I feel that recently..... there is somewhat a breakdown in communication between us. First off... the communication between us get less and less. I understand it's because of his studies. He is busy studying and have less time for me. Be it meeting up or talking on the phone or texting. Sometimes I just randomly ring him up for a chat and he always sound uninterested to chat with me. I get pissed off at times because of this, and how he always choose not to meet me because he needs to study.

I know I may not be the most understanding gf.

But is it so difficult to spare a little time to talk to me or meet up with me? If I don't talk to him.... He won't really bother talking to me... If I don't mention meeting up.... He may not meet me either. Sometimes when I crack jokes, he will get irritated and angry with me (He don't used to react like that. But recently he will say things like 'Not everyone can take jokes') He no longer surprises me like he used to and I'm always the one doing it now.

Am I being demanding? I know that after a period of being together, we get so comfortable with each other and stop doing certain things. But I feel disappointed somewhat because of all these :(
Click to expand...
instead of feeling disappointed, reflect if you guys could do better if given the chance to turn back the clock.
Couples either learn to grow together or they will naturally grow apart. If you are clueless, then, there are lessons that you could learn from it. How the relationship turn out isn't as impt as you understanding yourself. As newproject mentioned, you guys are still young.
 
newproject said:
As you said you are not the most understanding gf.

There might also be mismatch in expectations. Perhaps different love languages.

Personally I would wait until exams over and see if anything changes.

If it doesn't it's time to get concerned.

Anyway you are both very young, no need to be too anxious.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the reply... We actually sat down and spoke about our problems. He is not having his exams yet. But it's just that every entire semester the same thing will happen. Right now, he mentioned that he will be going overseas for 5 years to pursue his Masters. Anyone actually have any experience in LDR? Is it really possible to survive the long distance?
 
qwertypie said:
Thank you for the reply... We actually sat down and spoke about our problems. He is not having his exams yet. But it's just that every entire semester the same thing will happen. Right now, he mentioned that he will be going overseas for 5 years to pursue his Masters. Anyone actually have any experience in LDR? Is it really possible to survive the long distance?
Click to expand...
Not easy to survive. 5 years is a long time. Maybe he does not want you to wait so long and trying to let you pursue other happiness?
 
qwertypie said:
Thank you for the reply... We actually sat down and spoke about our problems. He is not having his exams yet. But it's just that every entire semester the same thing will happen. Right now, he mentioned that he will be going overseas for 5 years to pursue his Masters. Anyone actually have any experience in LDR? Is it really possible to survive the long distance?
Click to expand...

Dear qwetypie

LDRs are possible, but they are tougher than usual relationships.

Sorry, I'll be frank, I don't think prospects are good for a LDR of 5 years. (sidenote Masters don't take 5 years assuming he already has a UG degree, you referring to PHD? or is he doing his Undergrad + masters together)

1. You guys are currently in SG, and you already feel he doesn't give you enough attention, this shows you are a "needy" type (nothing wrong with that btw) . A LDR will mean even less attention.

2. You guys are still young.

3. If you are already having issues with your relationship when together, it will be worse for LDR.

You do have one point in your favour, that you have been together decently long (3 years is not bad, assuming it is uninterrupted and relatively drama free).

It's possible that your bf has considered all this and his behavior is an attempt to make you unhappy enough to breakup or he might be consciously or subsconsciously distancing himself from you because he knows he is going overseas for 5 years and expects to breakup.

5 years is pretty long especially for young people like you , you really have to think carefully and have a good talk with him about this LDR.

How does he feel about it? If he is anything but certain LDR can work (e.g if he is neutral or even pessimistic), I think it's bad news for you as it is tough even if both sides are fiercely committed.
 
Sorry to say that, I think you should leave him. I was like you and ended up marrying a man that never had an interest for me, no birthdays surprises, no honeymoon, doesnt bother talking with me. Life is a misery. Look for someone that loves you and treasures you and you both will be happier otherwise you will end up suffering.
 
JasmineLuv said:
Sorry to say that, I think you should leave him. I was like you and ended up marrying a man that never had an interest for me, no birthdays surprises, no honeymoon, doesnt bother talking with me. Life is a misery. Look for someone that loves you and treasures you and you both will be happier otherwise you will end up suffering.
Click to expand...

Some guys are just boring but solid providers I can see no birthday surprises as ok.
But no honeymoon? Wth. What's reason given?
 
getting a little sad right now....

Is it so difficult to fork out just a few hours for me? Even at my university times, I bother to just make aside time for him no matter how busy I was. Feel so sian that his time are just spent on books. Can even go out to do his sports but when I ask for just a dinner or something he'll be like 'I need to study. I really got no time' :'(

When will he ever have time for me.... During his long break he'll go overseas with his family. Last year he went for 6 months exchange and just returned to Singapore this year. Ever since then he's been spending almost all his time studying.... This coming holiday he will be busy with intern, overseas holiday with his family and fyp.

Am I being very demanding to ask him out during this period? Ive sat down and talked to him before over this issue but all he said was he's sorry about it and he'll make time for me. But It feels like he's too busy to even make any change for me... I know that I'm possibly being too needy but it just feel depressing somehow
 
Think you should reconsider this relationship.from the way u described,he seems to put his priority on studies over you.there is nothing wrong with it but he did not put in effort to manage his relationship with you.It also seems that he is Uninterested in the relationship considering he is planning to study overseas for 5 years without taking your relationship into consideration and he would rather spent his free time taking overseas holidays with his own family.

To be frank,if a guy is interested,he will put in his best effort to make u happy.Ask yourself,are u happy now?if not you have to re evaluate this relationship.remember short term pain is better than long term pain.its better to give up now to pursue a happier relationship than to be stuck with someone whom you have issues with.anyway you are still young.its not too late.you mentioned you are with him for 3 years.its not the duration of relationship that matters.its the compatibility between the two of you.Do you think both of you are compatible?Seriously think over it.I believe you have seen most threads of here depicting marriage issues faced,divorce cases etc etc..it serve as a guide not to fall in the pitfalls of relationships and I'm sure you do not want to end up in similar situations.The point is that you do not Regret later on when you decide things are not working and it is too late....
 
You feeling him not giving you sufficient attention is already a red flag in your relationship.think over it.dun get too upset if things do not turn out the way you hoped to be.gd luck.
 
Let's put some numbers here. How often exactly do you meet in

A) last week
B) last month
C) last 3 months
D) last 6 months

We want to be sure this isn't a situation of you acting like a spoiled Princess upset he refuse to see you once or twice (as in you more upset he dare refuse you) rather than a case of not frequently enough.

No offense.
 
My personal take on relationships, if it's too difficult it can't be right. Unless you believe life is meant to be so hard, so tiring, so trying, so painful, so agonising endlessly till the day you drop. And that's pathetic.
 
i was once in a r/s with the exact same issue that you were facing. my ex didnt make any effort, could spend time with his friends for dinner, photography etc .. but didnt have any time for me, if I don’t text him he won’t text me till night time.. it’s like I don’t even know what is he up to or where is he thruout the day. of course, eventually we broke up because we were arguing almost everyday due to difference in expectations. in fact, he doesnt even see anything wrong in how the whole r/s was going.

well, but one thing i learnt is that you shouldn't compare.. the statement you said "Is it so difficult to fork out just a few hours for me? Even at my university times, I bother to just make aside time for him no matter how busy I was." clearly shows that you are thinking why you can do it but he cant. truth is, he will never ever see it your way. It will only make you feel more miserable.

As what others have been saying, if a guy really loves you, he will make time and effort. Well, I’m not saying that your bf doesn’t love you but think of it this way… the r/s between you 2 isn’t on the top of his priority list, which I know to you, it is.
 
Hi girl! I guess I can understand exactly how you're feeling right now.
Personally I'd been through more than 5years of LDR with my htb.
It was truly hard and if you ask me if I will go through the same LDR again, I'll say no.
It's not just about loving and trusting each other.
Alot has got to do with time commitment.
You like to spend time with him, but he doesnt seem to need to spend as much time with you to 'express' how much he loves you.
Maybe there isn't right or wrong to your answers.
One important thing is without constant communication, a relationship wouldn't work out the way you want it to be. =)
 
for me the main flag is when basic values contradict. Principles about morals and ethics. When it is OK to take advantage of others situation. There is no right or wrong, but within a couple, when these values are not aligned, it can never work. One will exploit the other. No one is a fool. They will see through it, just a matter of time.
 
miloice said:
for me the main flag is when basic values contradict. Principles about morals and ethics. When it is OK to take advantage of others situation. There is no right or wrong, but within a couple, when these values are not aligned, it can never work. One will exploit the other. No one is a fool. They will see through it, just a matter of time.
Click to expand...
ops, this is for another thread. sorry.
 
Hi dear,

Remember feelings fluctuates but commitment is what anchors the relationship. Sometimes we lose sight of his good when we place too much focus on his bad. It is also common to have the 热恋 stage where the guy does all the surprises and putting 101% effort to please you. This is not sustainable, relationship goes through phases and it does not mean he loves you less. It could be a different way of expressing love already.

The qualities of this man you once loved, may become the man you now dislike. (Example: You loved him being filial to his parents, and then at a later stage you realised you are not the only one that holds the #1 place in his heart. Then this starts to get to you.)

A man will always have his hobbies, they need to be engaged in those hobbies and hobby is not synonymous with girlfriend / wife. Hobbies keep them alive and help them to unwind. At the end of the day, woman wants to talk and share her day. The man may just need to soak himself in the quiet peace, with his lady beside him. As a relationship progresses, the needs become more evident and the desire to be yourself is very real. This is what we call the comfortable phase in the relationship which of cause- poses potential risks where complacency erodes the quality of relationship. This is where, it is impt to find the right time + right place + choosing the right words to talk to your partner.

I am in no position to conclude this relationship for you but it is important you give a careful thought. It is never easy to find a man who loves you and whom you really love.

Take care doll.❤️
 
TS, it sounds like you bf don't like you anymore & like someone else .. if not it seems it might be due to the stress that studies is causing him to react to you like this .. the signs are there .. i suggest u say u want to meet up with him to have a serious talk about your relationship.. see how he reacts .. at least you will get a better understanding of the situation ...
 
newproject said:
Let's put some numbers here. How often exactly do you meet in

A) last week
B) last month
C) last 3 months
D) last 6 months

We want to be sure this isn't a situation of you acting like a spoiled Princess upset he refuse to see you once or twice (as in you more upset he dare refuse you) rather than a case of not frequently enough.

No offense.
Click to expand...

How many times a week is considered enough/too much/insufficient?

What about meeting once every two weeks for just a meal? No longer have any proper conversation because he's too busy? Mentioned that he can meet me for a dinner after his sports but ended up cancelling the sport because he needs to study. Doesn't this show that he was actually willing to fork out spare time for his sport and then 顺便 meet me after that?
 
newproject said:
Ok he is ghosting you. As I said above he probably doesn't think LDR going to work so he is distancing himself slowly
Click to expand...

I really don't know. I really wanna give him the benefit of doubt. I'm just pondering over a few questions right now....

1. I asked whether we'll be meeting next week and he said to meet after his exams before his overseas trip with his family. That will be 3 weeks later. After this overseas trip he will be starting on his internship, and school starts after that & the whole cycle is just gonna repeat. Worse still, he only told me this after I asked. Why can't he let me know the plan beforehand since he already planned not to meet me during his exams period? It's frustrating.
2. Is it wrong to request for a just a meal and then he can go back and study all he want?
3. Is it wrong when I tell him that exams are important but not to the extent that he have to give himself so much stress until he can just forgo everything else? I don't want to add on stress to him so I'm trying to avoid saying too much lest the arguinig/quarreling starts but I can't help feeling angry and disappointed.
 
qwertypie said:
I really don't know. I really wanna give him the benefit of doubt. I'm just pondering over a few questions right now....

1. I asked whether we'll be meeting next week and he said to meet after his exams before his overseas trip with his family. That will be 3 weeks later. After this overseas trip he will be starting on his internship, and school starts after that & the whole cycle is just gonna repeat. Worse still, he only told me this after I asked. Why can't he let me know the plan beforehand since he already planned not to meet me during his exams period? It's frustrating.
2. Is it wrong to request for a just a meal and then he can go back and study all he want?
3. Is it wrong when I tell him that exams are important but not to the extent that he have to give himself so much stress until he can just forgo everything else? I don't want to add on stress to him so I'm trying to avoid saying too much lest the arguinig/quarreling starts but I can't help feeling angry and disappointed.
Click to expand...
why don't you just go to his house directly? If your rs is stable, your bf should have welcomed you to his house.
 
seems you are not part of his priority list. What benefit of the doubt to you need? Its your life. We can be busy but if someone is important to us, we make time for quality time together even if its just a while. If you guys don't even cherish the limited time together, frankly, he is just using excuses not to meet u. You should accept reality than find more excuses.
 
verysadguy said:
why don't you just go to his house directly? If your rs is stable, your bf should have welcomed you to his house.
Click to expand...

That's seems like an ultimate move, what if he request her not to make impromptu visits? Or simply not to turn up as he might be busy with project? But again, that would really sum it up. I guess it would be a courageous move.
 
The best thing is to do nothing.carry on ur life as per normal.if he finds you,it's gd.if not just let go.goes to show he does not care abt u at all.
 
Some ppl,the more you tried to get close to him,the more resistant he is.let him be by himself.if he truly cares he will find u not matter what.let him be the one to take the initiative.you already did your part.during this period do something u like.find back the life u once knew,without his existence.ur life doesn't only revolves around him.
 
Going his house directly would be the final move to be played ... if things are as sour as it seems already it might be an relationship ending move.. but either way have to face the music sooner rather then later .. good luck TS.
 
qwertypie said:
I really don't know. I really wanna give him the benefit of doubt. I'm just pondering over a few questions right now....

1. I asked whether we'll be meeting next week and he said to meet after his exams before his overseas trip with his family. That will be 3 weeks later. After this overseas trip he will be starting on his internship, and school starts after that & the whole cycle is just gonna repeat. Worse still, he only told me this after I asked. Why can't he let me know the plan beforehand since he already planned not to meet me during his exams period? It's frustrating.
2. Is it wrong to request for a just a meal and then he can go back and study all he want?
3. Is it wrong when I tell him that exams are important but not to the extent that he have to give himself so much stress until he can just forgo everything else? I don't want to add on stress to him so I'm trying to avoid saying too much lest the arguinig/quarreling starts but I can't help feeling angry and disappointed.
Click to expand...

You are not his priority. May want to consider moving on. A guy who loves you will make time for you. I used to go out with ex at midnight because my schedule was super packed. She accommodated despite having a crazy study schedule. Still managed with minimal sleep. It's called sacrifice. What will he sacrifice for you?
 
Please leave him alone..... and enjoy your singlehood..... if he truly care about u, he will find you and make up for it. if not, just move on.

its impossible to not have time for something. it is a matter of want or not. obviously he don't want. u mean he only have time to sleep and shit and study and sports and food, but no free time at all?

worst case, he already had a girl outside, hence the lack of motivation to meet u.

try to be happier, life's short, enjoy while you can, no point worrying so much abt someone who don't give a hoot about u...females are a depreciating asset, so make full use of your youth while in the 20s. don't regret as time drags longer.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

C
Cheong Yip Kwong, William - The Wedding Solemniser From Hell
Replies
0
Views
2K
Chewmida
C
L
Feeling Lost in Marriage Life
Replies
1
Views
2K
DLo
D
C
advice from all please, urgent
Replies
4
Views
3K
novembernoodles
N
T
Confession of a married woman
Replies
0
Views
4K
Troublegal20246
T
X
Need help with parent expectation
Replies
1
Views
941
valerias
V

Back
Top